A/N: Thanks for the reviews, I hope you enjoy the next couple chapters, leave a review and make me happy. :)
Lightning is a strange thing, even beyond the scientific explanations for it. It lights up the whole sky, and for a brief moment, things are revealed, people are revealed, just for a second. It gives you glimpses, glimpses to a scene, a life, a memory.
Chris's hand was on the doorknob. He was getting ready to open the door and go outside to wait for Stephanie to leave. He had asked her one last time in what he thought was the best moment, the most perfect moment, and she had said no. He was devastated, devastated that she had said no to him again. And he had to get out of there or risk losing her and Finnegan forever. If he blew up the way he wanted to blow up then she would take Finnegan and never let him see his son again, and then she had uttered the words. Then she had uttered the words that were now ringing in his brain.
"I thought you didn't love me for five years!"
And then the confusion began. He narrowed his eyes as he looked at her. He couldn't believe the words that had just come out of her mouth. Was she serious with this? Had she really just said something like that to him? He just couldn't believe that she would say something like that, that she would believe something like that. It just didn't compute in his brain.
"How can you say something like that!" Chris said angrily, gaining his bearings back. "How can you even think that!"
"Chris, that came out wrong," Stephanie said, pursing her lips. "It wasn't supposed to sound like that."
"Didn't love you for five years? What, you think I was just dithering around like a jackass waiting for something better to come along or something, how could you think I didn't love you for five goddamn years?"
"Chris, please let me rephrase that better, I know that I can rephrase that better," Stephanie said. "I know that you love me, I know you do, and that's fine and everything, but it's just…I didn't think you loved me enough, or for the right reasons."
"What? Me doing everything for you wasn't enough? Me coming back to wrestling for you wasn't enough? What was enough, huh, Stephanie? If I had been fucking enough would you have married me?" he demanded to know. So it was that he wasn't good enough, he knew that now. He wasn't good enough for her.
"No, Chris, please, can we sit down and talk about this, there's a lot that I have to say, and I don't want to stand here and say it. I want to sit down and talk, really talk this out. I just need to talk this out with you, really," she begged, trying to pull his arm towards the couch.
"Why? It's over, you said it over a month ago and I'm just finally starting to see what you were saying. We are on two different planes, we are on two different roads leading to two different places. I'm getting too old to deal with this, Stephanie. I need some stability in my life, and I want a wife, and I want more kids, and if that's not happening with you, then I need to go out there and make myself happy. Obviously your idea of what'll make you happy and what'll make me happy are different."
"No, Chris, I never wanted it to be over," she told him, and sighed, going towards the couch. "I just…you wouldn't understand okay? But if you want to go, just go, if you want to find some woman that will make you happier than do that, just go…"
Chris turned to the door as Stephanie sat down on the couch. She was trying valiantly not to cry, and her lip was actually quivering as she kept the tears at bay. The flashes of lightning weren't helping either. They made her look even sadder, and after lying in bed, her hair was frizzy and she looked disheveled, like she was a lost girl. Her hand was over her mouth, trying to keep in the sobs and she sat still.
She had just given him permission to find another woman. "You want me to find someone else?" She was silent for a few minutes before speaking, lowering her hand from her mouth, but still not looking over at him.
"If you think there's someone out there that will make you happy," she said, but her voice was small. "You deserve that chance, you've always deserved that chance. I screwed it up for you five years ago, so you should get that chance."
Chris walked over to the couch and sat down next to her. "What do you mean by that, Stephanie? What do you mean you screwed it up for me?"
"I got pregnant," she said plainly, looking down. "I never meant to get pregnant, I didn't meant it at all."
"I know," he said. "And it wasn't as if you were some sort of miracle-worker and got pregnant on your own, I was there, I helped. It wasn't entirely you, it was the both of us."
"But I should've been more careful or something, I…believed that the reason you stayed with me for the past five years was over Finny. I believed that you never loved me, not the same way I loved you. I took your future, Chris."
"Stephanie, stop saying that!" Chris said. "You didn't take my future, you didn't take anything."
"I'm giving you a chance to have your future, I'm giving you a chance to do what you want to do, and find someone who is better than me," she insisted.
He narrowed his eyes as the lights flickered again. He hadn't turned on many lights, just the one in the kitchen, but the flickering created a strange atmosphere in the room. It was almost like they were stuck in some bunker somewhere. But it was just a flickering light and it was just a stormy night, but they were hashing out everything, and the atmosphere was as charged as the lightning striking outside.
"Is this about that guy you went out with?" Chris asked suspiciously. Maybe she had lied and she had had a good time with that stooge. Maybe she did have a boyfriend or some guy lined up to be her boyfriend and she was just lying to him now. Now Chris had lost all sense of logic, so you were left with two people thinking rather illogically.
"What?" she asked, confused.
"That guy, the guy in Toronto, whatever guy you went out with when Trish was taking care of Finn," Chris said accusingly. "You're seeing him, aren't you? All of this shit your spewing to me right now, it's all because you want to go see other guys right!"
"Chris!" Stephanie said sternly, but Chris was pacing the room again and she could feel that the fight was still brewing and she wasn't going to get out the truth any time soon.
"No, it makes perfect sense," he muttered loudly so she could hear. "You want to set me free, or some such bullshit because you have a guy out there. You want me to find someone so you don't feel bad that you already have someone. You probably lied to me, didn't you!"
"Lied! I never lied," Stephanie yelled, standing up, and she was briefly surprised that Finnegan hadn't woken up yet with all the yelling, but the little boy was a pretty heavy sleeper, had been since he was a baby. "I didn't lie to you about that, Chris."
"Then why would you want me to see someone else if you didn't have someone lined up, or if you didn't want to see other people? You were the one who went on a date. Here I am, sitting and wasting away for you, and you're out there, having dinner with men who you don't know at all, men who aren't me!" he told her, the last part making her heart ache just the tiniest bit.
"Yes, I went on a date because I convinced myself that I could get over you," Stephanie said. "Because I knew that…I knew that you should try to get over me, that you should go out and find someone."
"I don't want to find someone, I had you!" he told her angrily.
"But you didn't want me! You just didn't, you never wanted me. I was just giving you what you wanted! I was giving you the chance to find someone you wanted to be with, which obviously wasn't me! I tied you down!"
"No, you didn't!"
"Yes, I did!"
"Stop putting goddamn words in my mouth!" he yelled at her.
"It's the truth," she insisted. "Shane tried to tell me I was wrong, but hearing the way you're talking, I know it now, you never wanted a future with me, I heard you!"
"You heard me what!" he yelled, standing up because this was turning more heated and he couldn't sit still. "What the hell compelled you to think that I was being insincere? I fucking proposed to you!"
"Five days after Finny was born when we were sitting in his room while he was crying! You only wanted to marry me because of Finny!" Stephanie yelled, losing all sense of herself and what Shane had told her. Her hurt was coming to the forefront and fueling her harsh words. "You only proposed because of Finny!"
"You don't know that!" Chris said, staring her down. "You don't know why the hell I proposed. I proposed because I loved you, though why I loved you is becoming a bit hazy at this point."
"Because I gave you a son, because I carried your baby. Do you know how it felt, Chris? Do you know how it felt to just be having fun with your boyfriend, and no serious commitments going on, and he's great with that, he's fine with living from day-to-day, in fact, that's just how he wants it, and then you get pregnant? Then you're thinking, well, what now, and your boyfriend gets told and suddenly it's all about commitment and moving in together and having a future together…do you know how it feels to know that your boyfriend only wanted that because you were carrying his child?"
"Well, what was I supposed to do, run away?"
"You wanted to," she pointed out, and it was free from malice and accusation, she was simply telling the truth because she knew that he had wanted to run away, he had the decency to tell her the truth.
"Yeah, but I didn't, so what, I started thinking of the future, I started planning, so what?"
"Because there's no way that you would've started planning if it hadn't been for Finny, don't lie, Chris, you know that if there had been no Finny, then you wouldn't have moved in with me, we'd continue to have fun until one of us realized that it was getting boring, probably you, and then you'd dump me. Finny was the reason you stayed."
"You don't know that," he said, frustrated now. "You don't know that I didn't plan my future with you. My future was always with you."
"No, it wasn't, I heard you…I was going to keep Finny from you," she said suddenly. "I wasn't going to tell you, I honestly thought about it for a while. I was just going to raise Finny by myself, so that you wouldn't have to deal with the dreaded future. Chris, I took your future from you."
"No, you didn't," he insisted. "You didn't take anything from me, you gave me something so incredible. I love that little boy, Stephanie, I wouldn't trade him back for anything. I wouldn't go back in time because I love that little kid more than I've loved anyone on this Earth."
"And that's why you stayed," she told him, looking towards the ceiling. "You stayed because of Finny."
"Where are you getting these ideas!" he demanded.
"I just know, okay!"
"How the hell do you know!"
"You told Edge you didn't see a future with me!" she yelled and then she slumped down on the couch, willing the tears not to come like they had with Shane. She wanted to disappear right then and there. "You didn't see one, and then the next week, I'm telling you I'm pregnant and suddenly there's the future, there's the entire future, the house and being together, and why? It was all because you found out I was pregnant, what happens if I wasn't, huh? You would've dumped me and I would've been devastated. So I held myself back. For five years, I've held myself back because if you didn't see a future with me then, time will not change your mind…"
"I said that?"
"You said that," she confirmed.
"Stephanie…I didn't see a future with you," he said, coming over to kneel in front of her. "Because I didn't see a future, period. I loved being spontaneous with you, I loved the idea that at any given moment, I was going to do something crazy with you. Hell, if the mood had struck us, I would've hopped on a plane to Vegas and married you. That doesn't mean that in the long run, I wanted to break up."
"But you…with Finny, you only proposed after he was born, when I was holding him."
"You know, I once told Amy that the only reason I was going to propose would be because I wanted to marry you, and not because I had to marry you. You said that wasn't the right moment, and even though it felt pretty right to me, I didn't press the issue. I've been trying for the past four and a half years to get you to marry me because I want to marry you, not because I have to."
"You don't want to marry me, Chris, you really don't," Stephanie said. "I never even gave you a chance. I tied you down and wouldn't let you go. I know that you've…I just never gave you the chance to see if someone would make you happy. If we didn't have Finny--"
"If we didn't have Finn, I'd still love you, and I'd still be here. Please don't misinterpret what I said to Edge five years ago," he told her. "Take into account the last six years, the last four with Finn, think about those times, Steph, do you really think you were holding me back?"
"I didn't think you loved me like I loved you."
"I thought the same thing, I thought I wasn't good enough for you," he said.
"Not good enough…not true at all. So I've been living a lie these past five years then?" she said, broken-heartedly.
"Steph, I've loved you, and you've always been like…the one woman I'd want to spend the rest of my life with, that sounds dumb and cheesy, but it's true. I'm sorry that you didn't hear what I said in the correct way, and that we lost some years because of it that we could've been married…but…"
"When Shane told me I probably misinterpreted what you meant, I was a little wary to believe it, only because I'd spent so long believing it," she said quietly. "Even when I hear it from you, straight from the source, I don't know, it's still a little hard to believe."
"What is it going to take, Stephanie?" he asked, and there was a bit of frustration in his voice now. "What is it going to take to show you that I love you more than anything?"
"I don't know," she said honestly. "I've just had my mind so set on the fact that you were eventually going to leave me. I always left that part of myself locked away from you, so that my heart wouldn't be so broken when you did leave. I don't know what to do now."
"I need something, Stephanie," Chris told her, and the anger was rising in his voice again, against his will though. He didn't want to be mad at Stephanie, but he needed to know there was a chance. He just needed that one chance. "I need to know what I can do, because I've done everything I could think of to show you that I love you. And I do love you, Stephanie, and I haven't been with you these past five years just because you happened to carry my son."
"It's just so much to take in, Chris. It's so much to have everything you've believed in for so long taken away just like that. It's not so much that I've been living a lie, it's just the fact that I need time to adjust to this. I don't know," she rambled, running her hands over her face. "I don't know anything anymore. I don't know who I am, or where I'm going, or what part you play in all of this."
"I'm here, Stephanie, look around. Who is always here for you? I am," he told her. "I've stuck around. I can't do any more than that. I've tried to be the best boyfriend that I could be for the past six years, and I hope I've done okay, and I've tried to be a good father to Finn, I don't know if I'm succeeding in that, but I'm trying. I'm here, Stephanie, that's the most I can do. The most I can do is be here for you."
"I'm a pain in the ass," she said with a teary laugh. "I thought that you didn't love me like I loved you. I thought that I had done something wrong to make you think that you didn't want a future with me."
"You never did anything wrong," he said, sitting back down with her again. "Stephanie, you've been perfect. I love you so much."
"I love you too," she said softly, her voice barely heard from the raging storm outside.
"Good, that's a start," he said with a small smile. "And as for a finish…"
"What?"
Chris got up and went into his bedroom and walked back out, carrying something in his closed palm. He knelt down in front of Stephanie and took her left hand. He grinned up at her and she covered her mouth with her hand again. He licked his lips a little before clearing his throat nervously. He took a deep, calming breath and she did the same.
"Stephanie Marie McMahon, you've given me things that I never thought I'd get, namely a little boy named Finn. I love you for you though, not because we have a son. You are a great person and I just want to marry you, so please, will you?"
"Chris," she sighed. "I feel like we just got everything out in the open. I want to continue this discussion. I need time to think about how this change, how finding out the truth changes my perception. I need more time."
Chris groaned, "God, Stephanie, it's like nothing I can ever do is right, it's like nothing is ever good enough for you! I don't know what to do! I don't know what the right words are. I need to go for a walk, I need time alone because I don't know if I can give you more time. I'm through with this more time. I just don't think you want to marry me. Stephanie, I think that I can't take it anymore, I'm sorry. I'm sorry but I can't, this is it."
Chris stood up and went to the door again. He didn't know what Stephanie wanted, but he thought that he had finally understood, only to have her reject him again. He sighed and turned to her again. "You don't know what every single rejection has done to me, Steph. I've questioned myself over and over again, wondering if I was ever going to be what you wanted. I wondered endlessly whether I could ever be what you wanted. I'm finally figuring out that I can't be. Maybe you thought that I was with you for Finn, but did it ever occur to you that I thought you were with me for that reason too?"
"You thought that I was with you because of Finny?"
"Of course I did. After every failed proposal, I started to think it more and more. Like maybe she rejected me because she's going to dump me one day. Maybe Finn is the only reason she's with me, just to let him have his father be here. I went through that everyday, but I didn't leave, I kept trying. But maybe you were only with me for Finn, and you just now realize it. I tried it all, Stephanie, but maybe the only reason you clung to the belief that I was with you for Finn, was because you knew that he was the only reason for you to be with me."
Chris finished that painful speech and holding back all the hurt that threatened to crumble his very soul, he went to the door and unlocked it and turned the knob. He didn't know where he was going, but he was going anywhere he could find some semblance of peace. He needed to think and come to a conclusion that would help him and help Finnegan. Stephanie was going to be out of the picture now and he had to look to years and decades without her. The thought was certainly a painful one, but it was now his reality, and he would have to learn to accept it as his own.
"Chris, wait."
"No," he said quietly.
"Please?" she asked, standing up so she was a few feet behind him.
"Why?" he asked harshly. He didn't need more words. Words were starting to hurt more than any match he had ever been in. They were killing him slowly inside with the weight. The sound of her voice was cutting him, piercing him in ways that didn't hurt, but pricked, and soon the pricking would be too much and he would succumb to the numbing pain. But he would hear this one last thing from her and then be done with it all.
"Marry me?"