DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN GREY'S ANATOMY, I wish I did.
Meredith ended up being on call the next night. Then the following night Derek was in surgery. It was a testament to their lives. The hospital owned them, and it didn't matter what they wanted or what they had planned. Finally, by Thursday, they both had the evening off. Meredith was so exhausted, she tried to talk Derek out of going, but he insisted. Derek was driving down the road, and Meredith made him stop at Mandrake's, an antique store. They walked in and started looking around. Meredith saw it immediately, in the back of the store. It was a beautiful, antique crib. Derek walked over an examined the off white crib. It also had an armoire, changing table and small dresser. It was perfect. They immediately went up and purchased the furniture.
Meredith: It's perfect!
Derek: I'm glad you like it.
Meredith: At least we are finally getting this done. (She sighs.)
Derek: You act like it's a chore.
Meredith: It's just so overwhelming.
Derek: It's great! It's exciting. We are going to be parents. I think we should have ten kids. (He looks over to a shocked Meredith.) No?
Meredith: Let's just see how this goes...
Derek: I can live with that. For now. (He smiles at her.) Now let's go.
Meredith: More?
Derek: Of course. Some place called Birth and Beyond. Our baby needs things.
Meredith: We don't even know what we are having.
Derek: There are still things we can get. Neutral tones.
Meredith: Neutral tones?
Derek: Yeah, yellow and green colors for a boy or a girl.
Meredith: Okay, neutral tones.
Derek walked in the store, with Meredith's hand in his. His face was beaming. He looked like the happiest man in the world. He immediately started grabbing baby things. Meredith had to laugh, he seemed more into it than she did. She was so tired, she could barely walk. She wanted to be excited and into it, but her feet were throbbing, her stomach ached, and she had a dull headache. Not to mention the tiny ping of guilt she had in the pit of her stomach.
Derek: Are you okay?
Meredith: I'm tired. My feet hurt. But I'm okay.
Derek: I'm beginning to like yellow. Pale yellow is nice.
Meredith: Yeah, it is.
Derek: Look at these booties, aren't they cute?
Meredith: Uh, huh.
Derek: (He notices her unenthusiastic attitude.) Okay, well I think this is good for the day.
Meredith: No, you're having a good time.
Derek: But you aren't. We are supposed to be enjoying this.
Meredith: Derek, I'm sorry. (She looks down at her shoes.)
Derek: I'm beginning to wonder if you even want this baby. (Immediately he regrets saying it.)
Meredith: (Her eyes well up.) How could you say that? (She turns around and runs out of the store. She reaches the Jeep, and realizes she doesn't have the keys. She leans up against the car, and begins to weep.)
Sales Assistant: Is everything okay, Sir?
Derek: I'm just an Ass, that's all. (He sets the stuff down, and walks out.) Mer-
Meredith: What Derek?
Derek: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. (He leans against the car with her, and rubs her back.)
Meredith: But you did. You did say it. People don't say things they don't mean, Derek. They say they didn't mean it, but they do. If it came out of your mouth, you were thinking it.
Derek: You just don't seem happy. This should be a happy time in our lives. You just don't seem happy.
Meredith: (She turns and faces him.) I'm not, okay. At this moment, I'm not. My feet hurt, my head hurts, and the stress you are putting on me right now, it's making my back throb. The last time I did this, baby shopping, was before. You know when. I don't want to feel guilty, but I do. I shouldn't have another baby, if I couldn't keep the first one. It was fate's way of telling me that I would have been a shitty mother. So now, I've pushed it to the limit, I've told fate to screw itself, I got pregnant. I am praying that fate thinks I will be a good mother. Because if it doesn't, I can't take it. So that's how I feel, Derek. (He hugs her.)
Derek: You have got to quit blaming her death on yourself. She died. You had to bury her. No one should have to go through that, but you did. No one wants you to keep blaming yourself, Mer. It was not your fault, and deep down, you know it. It is not fair to our baby. You have got to let this go. I love you Meredith, more than life, but this has to end.
Meredith: Don't you think I know that! I don't know what to do. I don't want our baby to be born in guilt. I don't want my baby to feel resented because it lived. I'm trying, I really am. This baby means everything to me. This baby is ours. I want this baby Derek. I want him more than anything.
Derek: Him?
Meredith: Yes, him.
Derek: Did you find out without me?
Meredith: No. I just have a feeling.
Derek: Hmm, him...a son.
Meredith: I will be okay, Derek. It's the hormones. I will love our baby. I just need to let go of her.
Derek: You don't have to let go.
Meredith: I do, Derek. I have to. John, he let go. I refused, I refused to believe it. I know she's dead. But this small part of me, it thinks she will come back.
Derek: She's not coming back, Meredith.
Meredith: Nine months, I talked to her. Nine months, I told her I loved her. I told her stories every night. Nine months, then, in one day, she was gone. Like she never existed. Like a dream. Like I had imagined up. It really hurts me, she never got to know me. She never knew she had a mother, and a father who loved her.
Derek: She loved you. She knew. I promise you, she knew. I believe that she is okay now, Mer. She has Lois, and John. She is okay.
Meredith: Do you think so? (She looks up at him with a tears stained face, full of hope.)
Derek: I know.
Meredith: Thank you. (He holds her for a few minutes.) Derek?
Derek: Yeah?
Meredith: I'm starving.
Derek: I knew there was a reason you were grouchy. (She whacks him in the arm.) Ouch! Let's feed you.
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Meredith and Derek hadn't gotten around to doing anymore baby shopping. Meredith didn't want to let him know, but she was working as much as she could right now. She knew that when the baby came, she would be on maternity leave for a while, and she wanted to keep her edge as long as she could. Meredith had been working way over one hundred hour work weeks. Derek had been quite busy himself, but he had been able to go home several nights a week. Meredith scrubbed in on a procedure with Addison.
Addison: So how are you feeling? (Addison asked while working on the patient.)
Meredith: I'm okay. Managing.
Addison: You aren't working too hard, I hope.
Meredith: I can handle it.
Addison: You don't have to prove anything.
Meredith: I am only at eighteen weeks.
Addison: That is true, but you have to be easy on yourself.
Meredith: I'm beginning to wonder who's worrying more, you or Derek. Or did Derek get to you?
Addison: He did tell me to try an influence you. But I know you well enough to know you will do what you want.
Meredith: He worries too much.
Addison: It's only because he loves you so much. We can do the ultrasound before you leave tonight.
Meredith: Okay. I have to make sure Derek isn't in surgery. We decided that we want to know, if it's a boy or girl.
Addison: What do you think it is?
Meredith: I think it's a boy. With Annabella, I was wide. I mean wide. I weighed so much, it was unbelievable. This time it is more in front of me. It's a boy, I'm sure.
Addison: We shall see...
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Meredith laid back on the table. Derek hadn't arrived yet. He was fifteen minutes late. Luckily, Addison knew how it went, how doctors got pulled into emergency surgeries. Meredith convinced Addison that she could go do some paperwork until Derek showed up. She closed her eyes, actually grateful for the much needed rest. She hadn't been home in four days. Bailey actually demanded that she go home tonight, and Derek was beginning to wonder if she didn't want to come home. Derek and Addison come in on a deeply-sleeping Meredith.
Addison: (Chuckles.) She does snore loudly.
Derek: You can't tell her that!
Addison: She has got to slow down.
Derek: Bailey is making her go home tonight. I think she is trying to make up for the time that she is going to be off.
Addison: That is just foolish.
Derek: This is Meredith we're talking about. (He leans down and kisses Meredith.) Mer.
Meredith: Hmm? (Opens her eyes, and looks at the clock.)
Derek: We're ready.
Meredith: Crap, Bailey is going to kill me! I've been sleeping for an hour.
Addison: Honey, your shift is over.
Meredith: Oh, I guess you are right.
Addison: Are you ready?
Meredith: (Looks at Derek.) Are you?
Derek: Of course. I'm ready to see my girl.
Meredith: Boy.
Addison: Well, let's see. (Meredith pulls up her shirt, revealing her large stomach.)
Meredith: I know. I'm a cow.
Derek: You are beautiful. (Addison squeezes jelly on her abdomen. Addison runs the doppler over her abdomen, and watches the screen.)
Addison: Everything looks good.
Derek: And? (He looks at her like a child waiting to open a present.)
Addison: Derek, Meredith, meet your little boy.
Meredith: It's a boy?
Derek: You're sure?
Addison: I'm sure!
Meredith: Look at our little boy. (She looks at Derek, who has a very emotional look on his face.) We're have a little Derek.
Addison: Well, we better keep him a away from the little girls in the nursery when he is born.
Meredith: No kidding.
Addison: Would you like me to print it for you?
Derek: Yes. I can't wait to show everyone my son. Thank you, Addison.
Addison: No problem.
Derek: Let's go home. I have a surprise for you. (She starts to talk.) You have to wait!
Meredith: Okay.
As they walked down the hallway, Derek stopped everyone to tell them he was having a son. He was walking on clouds. When they reached the elevator, it revealed Ellis and Richard.
Richard: On your way home?
Derek: Yep, you?
Richard: Yep.
Derek: (He couldn't hold it in any longer.) It's a boy!
Richard: A boy? Congratulations!
Ellis: A boy? (She moaned. Meredith's face dropped.) I'm kidding. It's great. But you do know that you will have to have a Grey woman eventually. We have to keep it going. A long line of Grey surgeons.
Meredith: Yeah, a girl. (Derek looked over at Meredith, who was now looking at the floor.)
Derek: Hey Richard, I need to show you something in my office. Mer- I'll meet you in the lobby in a few minutes.
Meredith: Okay. (He winks at her. She knows why he is leaving.)
Ellis: I'll be with Meredith, Richard.
Richard: Okay. (They exit the elevator at the next floor. Meredith and Ellis get off in the Lobby, and sit down.)
Meredith: Mom, I need to tell you something.
Ellis: (With a face full of growing concern.) Okay...
Meredith: It's been hurting me for a while, and I need you to not judge. I need you to--
Ellis: What is it?
Meredith: I had a baby, Mom.
Ellis: What? What happened? Where is it? When?
Meredith: When I was eighteen. Before John and I got married. When you and I weren't talking. She--she died. She was stillborn. (She begins to cry, Ellis embraces her, her own eyes tearing up.)
Ellis: Meredith. Why didn't you tell me?
Meredith: Mom...
Ellis: Right. I would have judged you, I would have given you a hard time. I'm so sorry, Meredith. When you needed your mother the most, I wasn't there.
Meredith: You didn't know... It's just so hard, dealing with it, you know? (Derek and Richard are stepping off of the elevator.)
Ellis: Why don't we meet for lunch tomorrow? We can talk.
Meredith: Okay.
Derek: Are you ready to go?
Meredith: Yes, I am. (They walk to the car.)
Derek: Are you okay? How did it go?
Meredith: It was good. It was okay
Derek: Good.
The ride home was silent. They were both thinking. Thinking about the future, and the past. So much had happened to them both. But if it hadn't happened, they wouldn't be where they are now. Having a baby, having a wonderful life. Derek pulled his car into the driveway. They walked in together. Derek immediately led her upstairs.
Meredith: Where are we going?
Derek: Your surprise! Close your eyes... (He opens the door. He leads her in.) Open them.
Meredith opens her eyes to reveal a perfect, freshly painted nursery. The walls were pale yellow, and the trim was white. There were murals of nursery rhyme characters painted on the walls. The baby furniture that they had picked out was all placed in the room. Derek had gotten matching curtains and bedding for the crib. In the corner was a rocking chair. Meredith's eyed welled up. He had put so much work into it. It was perfect.
Meredith: Oh my God, Derek. It's perfect. Who did it?
Derek: I did. Well, not all me. I picked out the colors, and painted the walls and trim. My mom came in for two days, and painted the murals. I went to the baby store and bought the bedding. Do you like it? Is is okay that I did it without you?
Meredith: It's wonderful, Derek. You are the most amazing man in the world. I can't believe you did all this! How?
Derek: When you were at the hospital all those nights, I was lonely. I stayed up late and painted. I never thought I would be able to pull it off.
Meredith: Your mom--
Derek: She had to go home. Nancy and David were going on their second honeymoon and she had to watch the kids.
Meredith: I think I love you more than anything, and then you do something like this, and you make me love you even more. I don't deserve you, Derek Shepherd.
Derek: It is I, who doesn't deserve you, Meredith Shepherd.