Comfort and Reassurance
Their den boasted an oak rocker, and he took advantage of its presence to sink tiredly into its cushions. Signaling Vivienne and Elijah to join him, he pulled them onto his lap and placed one on one side and one on the other. Whispering soothingly as he rocked them, he relied upon the model of the thousands of times his father and abuela had rocked him to cuddle the youngest.
Both children sputtered to a stop pretty quickly, and Tony carried them out of the den, one on each hip. He put Vivienne down in her crib and patted her back softly, humming softly as she scooted onto all fours. Before he finished the song, she fell asleep facing the wall.
Clutching his hospital gown in one fist, Elijah insisted Tony continue to hold him, and fell asleep in the middle of the prayer Tony was teaching him.
Sliding out from under the toddler, he straightened the covers, then made his way into the hall, pulling both doors almost shut and powering off the lights.
Shrugging his shoulders, he tried vainly to unkink his shoulder and back muscles. This parenting sapped every ounce of energy within him, even what he thought he had in reserve.
Could it just be days in which he had evolved into the sole parent for these five children? How long ago did he pull out of D.C. anyway? Forever?
He would dance, and sing, and cheer and it would turn into a celebratory event the day Jethro and Maria finally agreed to discuss childrearing with him. All he needed was guidance, and specific instructions, but the two deliberately joined forces, as they so often had in the past, and decided not to share the wealth of knowledge they gained from- get this- from rearing him!
What kind of people did that? It was like those animals that ate their young.
Smirking at a mental picture of Jethro and Maria devastated at finding his lifeless body, emaciated and obviously broken, Tony assured himself they would then regret keeping him in the dark.
Necessity forced him back to the present and he groaned loudly.
What kind of energy did a parent have to embrace to make it eighteen years?
Sighing, he motioned to Ava and Levi once he returned to the den. Neither agreed to go willingly, whining about the television, and he barely held on to his patience.
"Yes, I understand that you would like to stay awake longer and watch another show. However, I have not offered that as an option tonight. Your only course of action involves coming with me right now and climbing into your beds. I will stay and listen to your prayers and kiss you goodnight, but then I expect you to sleep."
Ava managed to begin weeping, but Tony hardened his heart against any dramatics. Levi fell to the floor and insisted he would slither to the room like a snake, but calculating the time that would take, Tony nixed the idea.
Half carrying one and leading the other, he warned both not to wake Elijah and Vivienne when he led both to their bedrooms and into their beds.
Finally, he tucked in Levi, then Ava, worked on prayers, and offered goodnight kisses.
Evidently too tired to argue about bedtime, Ethan cut off the television when he spied Tony's return and made his way to his room without protest. Tony brushed back the boy's hair as he prayed, and planted a soft kiss on his forehead.
Mission accomplished.
At last, they were all down for the night.
Returning to the den, he tidied it, then worked his way into the laundry area. He double checked all of the clothing for anything left in pockets and divided everything into groups of whites or coloreds before calling it quits.
The laundry would have to wait.
Double checking that he had locked all doors securely, he peeped into bedrooms and checked each child before entering his own room and collapsing upon his bed. The past days had wiped him out, both physically and mentally, and within a matter of minutes he drifted into a deep sleep.
Later, something nipped at the edges of his consciousness, and Tony shifted in the bed, still fairly deep into his sleep cycle. Unsympathetic to his mental and physical fatigue, the intrusion continued however, eventually yanking him away from blissful slumber and into an unwanted, sudden awakening.
Blinking in confusion, he turned to regard the clock- a little after three.
He groaned loudly, every muscle in his body screaming for rest.
With luck he still had three or four hours ahead of him to fall back into welcome oblivion.
Again, though, a noise intruded, and Tony jerked himself upright, rubbing his chin until he pinpointed the origin of the sound. Disentangling himself from the comforter, he padded out of the bedroom and flipped on the hall light.
Peeping into Ava and Viv's room he saw both of his girls had barely shifted since he tucked them into their beds.
That meant one of the boys was restless enough to disturb him all the way down the hall.
He slipped the door open as quietly as he could, but held it ajar far enough to identify each child as he lay in his bed. Levi and Elijah cocooned themselves in mounds of covers, evidently having not waked at all.
That left Ethan.
Tony crept closer as he scanned the room. Ethan thrashed within the covers, his face mirroring some inner turmoil slamming into him as he dreamed. Pulling at the sheet, Tony managed to untangle the child and smooth the covers back, hopeful that the simple act would calm the boy. It helped somewhat, but Ethan turned his head and moaned softly, evidently mired in a nightmare.
Empathetic to the suffering, Tony lowered himself onto the bed and began rubbing the boy's temples and hair, whispering soothingly in an attempt to offer solace. The shift in the bedsprings disrupted the child's night terror.
Ethan's eyes flew open and he focused upon Tony with relief, then launched his body so that half of him lay across Tony's lap.
Startled at the evident, debilitating fear, Tony rubbed Ethan's back firmly. "You had a nightmare, Ethan, just a dream. It wasn't real."
Nodding, the boy made no verbal response and stayed immobile over Tony's lap and legs.
"It upset you, though," Tony theorized, "because I heard you from my room and I think it was because you got scared."
"Sorry," the boy mumbled into the covers bunched around him.
"No problem," Tony reassured him, "but I want you to tell me about it."
For several seconds Tony expected the boy to refuse.
However, the opposite occurred.
Ethan flipped so that he faced Tony, and quickly brushed away tears that suddenly made their appearance as a reaction to a maelstrom of emotions.
"What happened, Ethan?" Tony prodded gently, continuing to brush back the child's hair.
Ethan closed his eyes again but whispered, "My mom- my mom and I were chased and she yelled that we had to run and jump over this fence- a wire one. I jumped and landed on the ground on the other side, the safe side, but when I scrambled up there was no mom with me. I screamed and screamed for her and tried to climb the fence to get back to the other side, but every time I made it up halfway I would slide back down and fall on the dirt."
"Oh, wow," Tony murmured, "That was rough. That would terrify me, too."
Ethan put one hand over Tony's, squeezing into Tony's palm. "No, you don't understand. I failed her."
Shaking his head slowly, Tony put one hand on the side of Ethan's cheek and held it there. "It seemed that way to you, didn't it, because you just saw one side in your dream? But the truth is that you didn't fail her at all. I can promise you that you made her very happy because you obeyed her instructions and ran. She knew that you made it to safety over the fence. Even though she didn't join you, you gave her a tremendous gift, the gift of knowing you would be ok."
Ethan regarded him, evidently weighing Tony's interpretation and hoping to believe it.
"To a parent," Tony continued, "nothing compares to keeping the children safe, and I do mean absolutely nothing. You gave your mama relief and hope, Ethan, and that is exactly what the dream tried to tell you. It was your subconscious reminding you that you always brought happiness and love to your mom."
Tears began to trail down Ethan's cheeks. Scowling, he began wiping vigorously at his cheeks.
"See, you mixed up your real life, and losing your mother, into this dream tonight. Personally, I think that you needed to be shown, even if it were a bit scary, that keeping you protected was something your mom considered her main mission."
Leaning down, Tony smiled sadly. "Let me assure you, Ethan, that I am so terribly sorry that you lost your mom, son. I know how deeply it hurts you."
A flash of appreciation crossed the boy's face.
Tony slid off of the bed and stood, stretching as he finished. "The dream won't return now, because you just answered it yourself within the dream. However, what upset you deep down before the dream and every day since you lost her was about your mom not being able to save herself. Ethan, son, you could not have saved her, either."
Ethan watched him, and Tony saw comprehension cross his face.
"Why don't you go use the bathroom and get a drink of water? I'll leave my door open, and if you get scared or worried again, just come get me." Patting the child's leg, Tony left.
Without waiting for a response he returned to his own room. Sliding into the covers a second time, he listened as Ethan did as Tony suggested.
Plumping his pillow, Tony sighed with relief, grateful that he had found the words to calm the boy.
Before he could close his eyes a small shadow appeared, approached, and then climbed onto the empty side of the bed.
Tony reached a hand behind him and patted his temporary bedfellow.
He and Ethan fell back asleep at the same time.
Juggling bowls of breakfast cereal the next morning as he filled glass after glass with orange juice, Tony decided his foremost mission involved staying afloat the next couple of days by any means he could employ.
Sighing, he grabbed the spoon Ava dropped to the floor and replaced the utensil with a clean one. Though grateful for the dishes, silverware, and supplies stocked in the kitchen, he needed to personally (and actively) shop for those items he felt would help smooth their meals.
Grinning at Vivienne holding court in her high chair, he rounded the table to right Elijah once again on the suitcase he had placed in the boy's chair to help him reach the table. Whenever the boy moved, the luggage followed. Next to him little Ava sat uncomfortably on her knees, stretching her torso to provide height enough to reach her bowl and glass. Like Elijah, she could certainly benefit from a booster chair.
Pursing his lips, Tony added seats to his already incredibly long and detailed mental shopping list.
Though Levi chattered non stop throughout the meal, Ethan remained pretty quiet. Tony glanced at him several times, concerned that he still worried over the nightmare of the night before. At least the rest of his night had passed peacefully, and he had slept later than any of the others once secure in Tony's room.
Replacing the cartons of juice and milk to the refrigerator's top shelf, the only adult in the room recognized the necessity of distributing age appropriate tasks.
Soon, Tony decided, he would allocate small chores to all of them, just as his dad and abuela had done. Both had firmly believed in the importance of fostering responsibility.
He could remember that even as a toddler, the expectations centered around participating in the successful running of the household.
Noting a dozen eggs on the second shelf, he felt a stab of guilt. He should have whipped up a hot breakfast for the kids, rather than sugar laden cereal.
Maybe he could plan menus, ahead of time, of course. Then he would address everyone's health by supervising what he offered and served.
First, though, he wanted to lead the children in exploring their neighborhood, already pretty sure that they would gain a sense of ownership to the new home if they felt a part of it. It had occurred to him earlier that in their little lives, they existed as transients who moved from one place to another with little reason to care about their environments. For the length of time they spent with him, though, he could add a layer of belonging to their security, rooted in the flora and fauna of their new environment.