Hello! Sorry for the long wait in between updates. I know I promised no longer than a two week wait, but RL and kids and hubs getting sick, and then me hurting my shoulder. Its been a crazy few weeks. BUT I do currently have all of the last 6 chapters written completely! Just doing some tweaking. I two of the six chapters ready, another two off to the beta tonight(chapter 23 will be long!), then the last two and epi.

I can't thank you guys enough for liking this little story of mine, and being patient for updates.

Thank you to Darcysmom for betaing. Any mistakes are mine. I did some last minute tweaking. And thank you to Nikki for pre-reading.

Enjoy and see you at the bottom.

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Hearing her voice was everything to me, no matter how short the phone call was. To be honest, I wanted it to be longer, but emotionally, in that moment, it was too much for me. I found that there was too much I wanted to say, too much going on in my brain for me to adequately formulate my words and say all that I wanted and needed to say. But deep down I felt like whatever I said would never be good enough. I owed her so much more than words.

After I hung up the phone and passed it back to Carlisle, I began to think about what to do next. I wanted to get a notebook so I could sort out all my chaotic thoughts. I needed to hunt again. I didn't want to take any risks when I eventually got back to Bella. But most of all, I needed to get better emotionally, physically, and mentally before I ever left Brazil.

I wanted to give Bella my best, and all of me once and for all. I wanted to show her that I was capable of being the man, or rather vampire that was better than the one that left her behind all those months ago. I needed, for my own sake, to prove to her that I was better than my fears, stronger than them, that I would no longer allow them to control me. From now on it would only be the two of us, no longer would I allow the monster that once resided in me to come between us.

After sitting there for a while, thinking about the short phone call, I finally got up and changed my clothes. It felt odd to let them fall to the floor in tatters, like I was shedding an old skin, leaving behind all of the bad that would hopefully stay behind me.

As I put on the new clothes, I couldn't help but wonder if Bella would approve of how I looked. Would she like this black sweater? The pants? Maybe even the shoes? As I tied my shoes, I felt myself falling back into old doubts, but instead of being afraid of them, I was excited. Excited for a new beginning, and a hopefully better start than the one before with Bella, one that I wish would stretch for forever.

Once I rejoined my family, Alice handed off a notebook and a pack of pens to me. I had never been more thankful that she could see the future and always knew what I wanted without me having to verbalize it.

Carlisle walked over to me and clasped a hand on my shoulder and gripped it gently. "We are going to work out some details of getting you out of here, get some supplies, and let you have some more time to yourself to get your thoughts in order." He handed me his phone, leaving Bella's number pulled up. "If you need anything, just call one of our phones. We won't be long."

I nodded as I watched them all walk out of the personal hell I was staying in. I couldn't bring myself to call it a house, because it was no home to me. It held nothing to me, it was just a place, a place that was empty and cold and dark to me.

My home was elsewhere.

I placed Carlisle's phone in my pocket as I paced the room, a million thoughts bombarded my mind at once, all of them centered around Bella.

The notebook felt heavy in my hands, begging to be tainted with my scrawl and words as the ink bled into the papers, baring my new found soul to the outside world. I would keep nothing to myself now. This notebook would be for her, and only her. My only hope was that my words, feelings and thoughts would bring some sort of closure for the both of us. So much had happened. So much had been lost, whether it was time, feelings or each other. I needed this bound notebook to somehow heal us, and absolve all the wrong doing I had done.

Such high hopes for such a tiny book.

I sat down on the hard floor in what would have been the kitchen. The notebook and pen lay on top of the wooden surface, patiently waiting to be used. I opened it carefully, as if it was the most precious thing. It soon would be. It would know everything. Secrets were meaningless now.

The cap being pulled from the pen filled my ears as I became more anxious as my thoughts begged to flow out of the pen.

The first words I wrote: The most important thing you need to know, my precious Bella, is that I lied to you that day in the forest, and I regret it. Regret seems like such a small, insignificant word for this. Because there is so much more to it. To me, it is bigger than regret, there is no word for the hurt I have caused everyone, but most importantly you. And therefore, it is a black mark upon my soul, one I hope to make up for.

You also need to know that I kept a lot from you even before that day, and I held back so much of me for no reason other than to protect me and you in the long run. I used the excuse that the fact that you're human to make it all okay. And it's not okay, Bella. It never was. You are so much more than human. I think your soul knows you were destined for more than such an ordinary life. I think, now, after everything, that deep down, even I knew that you were made for this life, for me, for all of us.

You, my precious, sweet, extraordinary girl, were born to be a vampire's mate, or else we wouldn't have had the connection that we did, and I hope still do. You were made for me, just as I would like to think I was made for you, made to wait a century to love you. And I still love you, despite what you may think now. This is just another thing on my list to make right.

Those words I said to you in the forest, as I hope you know by now, were lies. The most blasphemous lies. I want you, my darling girl, I always will. I want you to always be by my side, by our family's side. I want you for days, weeks, years, centuries, and if we are lucky, a millennium and beyond.

I want you for forever. I can say that now, because I know now that without you, there is no me. I am nothing. It shouldn't have taken me leaving you behind to grasp this. Another regret to add to the already growing list.

I also want you to know that I want you in other ways. I want more than kisses, caresses, cuddles, hand holding from you. When I get home back to you, I plan to leave the 1918 gentleman here, there will still be pieces of that man in me, but just a more, hmm, modernized version. Hopefully, you won't mind.

One, I hope, is worthy of you, your love and affection.

I want you to know that you deserve everything and anything, and I want to be the one that gives that to you. I will strive for these things when I get home, and hopefully back into your arms and good graces.

I stopped and noticed that I had already filled many pages, but my fingers twitched to write more. And so I did. I wrote about how I chased after Victoria, eventually coming to Brazil to wallow in my self-pity, self-hate and my loneliness. I went on to tell her everything that happened to me up until now, including my elaborate hallucination and all that I went through while in the grips of it. I told her my fears of losing her, not being able to find her, even though it was just a hallucination.

I wondered, as I wrote, if the hallucination was more than just a hallucination. If it was meant to make me realize that we did lose pieces of ourselves along the way. And maybe even ignored others all together. I still needed to find all those pieces and put us back together. Maybe this was all one huge wake up call that I am never supposed to be without Bella. Or her without me.

The notebook was about a quarter of the way full when I closed it and sat the pen down next to it. I flexed my fingers, feeling remarkably lighter after purging myself of all of that, than I had in such a long time.

It felt good. Promising. Right.

A ping came on Carlisle's phone, signaling an incoming text.

B: Carlisle, please tell me he is okay. Will you guys be back? I miss you all so much!

I stared at the phone, the need to call her grew with each passing second. But should I? Would she want me to? I hated feeling like some bumbling, not-so-confident teen.

I gave in and pressed call, the ringing echoed in my head until her voice over took the phone.

"Hello?"

I don't know why, but my breath caught once I heard her. "Bella," I sighed as I pressed the phone closer to my ear, as if that could bring her closer to me.

I could hear that she was barely keeping it together, ragged breaths came through the line.

"Are you okay? Where are you?" She asked quickly before whispering, "I miss you so much. It hurts to hear you and not see you." I don't think she knew I heard the last part. It broke me. I yearned to hold her even more so then.

"I'm fine, Bella. More than fine. I don't know if you want to know this, but from here on out I have vowed I will never keep another thing from you again, so I have hunted... a lot. And I am still in Brazil."

"Oh. So far away." She sounded so broken.

"Yes, but I plan to fix that soon. I want to get better before I leave here. I don't want to take any chances when it comes to you, love."

She sobbed into the phone, her breaths came faster.

"I miss you so much, Bella. I know you probably don't believe me, but I miss you, and I love you so much. You need to know this. I always have loved you, always will."

I could hear the tears falling on the phone as I talked, and it broke me, but gave me that much more resolve to fix her, fix us and make everything right when I made it back to her and Forks.

"Edward...I just...I can't...God, why does this hurt so much?"

"I am going to make it better, love, I promise. Just give me the chance to prove to you that I can make it better, maybe even better than before. Just please, please, give me that chance."

"I can't make promises, Edward. I can't, not right now. It hurts too much to." She whispered into the phone as I heard her wipe the tears away. "I just want you, all of you, back home."

A sob escaped me as my grip on the phone tightened. "We will be, Bella, and we will never leave you again. I will prove this to you."

She let out a meek okay, almost as if she didn't believe me. What did I put my love through? My chest ached with an intense pain. My knees buckled and I fell to the floor, the phone still up to my ear as I curled up into a ball as a whimper escaped me.

Her voice came through once more. "I... I.. do love you, Edward" The pain receded a little bit at those precious words.

"Thank you, my Bella. I have longed to hear that."

I remained curled up on the floor as we stayed on the phone with one another and listened to each other breathe. It felt like, on some level, that we were reconnecting.

Darkness came into the place I rented, and I still did not move, but Carlisle's phone beeped and signaled that the battery was dying.

"I am sorry, Bella, but Carlisle's phone is about ready to die. I don't want to hang up, but I promise I will call you again as soon as I can. Do know, that I love you."

"Okay, Edward. Be safe."

The phone clicks and she's gone, but I have a new force inside of me now and one more reason to hurry up and get to her.

Carlisle and the others returned shortly after, immediately filling me in on the plans. I was to hunt as much as I could before we left Brazil. From Brazil, we would fly to Los Angeles commercially. After that, we would board a private jet on to Forks. We were due to depart at the beginning of March. It was a ways off, and I wanted to get to her now, but I knew I wasn't in the right frame of mind yet.

I still needed to get fully used to her scent and hunt again. The last thing I wanted was to see her and have the monster escape. He was buried, for now. I hoped he remained there never to see the light of day again.

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Thank you guys for reading and sticking with me, favoriting and following. I can't thank you enough.

So, after this, just five more regular chapters and then an epilogue. I do promise that his writing to Bella in his journals have purpose, which you will find more out in chp 23. That chapter will be their full reunion, and a much needed very long talk. So, from here on out, expect long chapters.

Thank you for reading. I look forward to your thoughts!