..oo00oo..
Draco
He's avoiding me. Not in the obvious nose-turned-upwards "I'm not talking to you and I want the entire world to know" but the more subtle, hurtful way of simply slipping out of a room whenever I enter, melting away of a corridor whenever I pass by. It's been four days now. Four days since Sunday, four days since we… since I…
But I'm not going to break. No matter how bad this makes me feel. No matter how cheap. Cheap fuck, which is all I was. I wasn't even a good fuck, just an available and willing one. Gods, this is so appalling, so shameful, the way I practically threw myself in his arms, the way I believed all his sweet words and promises. It's insulting. It's degrading, for both of us.
What the hell was I thinking? I knew Oliver wasn't the faithful kind; you only need to read the society pages to know that he's the kind of guy that would shag any pretty boy around. So I guess I'm just carrying on the tradition of many before me.
Therefore, I will not break down and I will not cry or anything girly like that! I would just lie in my bed and stare up at the canopy above my head and feel utterly humiliated and miserable. Yes, I like this plan.
"Draco?" I will not cry in front of Pansy. I will NOT cry in front of her. "Are you alright?"
"Panssssyyyyy…" so much for not crying in front of her… "I'm such an idiot!" she was not expecting me to break down and sob on her shirt, I could tell. But right now I didn't care anymore. I just accepted the fact I was a little slut. And that did not feel good.
"Tell me what happened."
"N-nothing! He hasn't s-spoken a word to me since w-we…" she was fed up with conjuring separate tissues by now and settled for an entire box. I felt like some four years old kid, sobbing so hard I could hardly talk. Fuck you Oliver Wood for diminishing me to this.
"The son of a bitch! How dare he do that to you? Tell me exactly what happened!" Before I could stop myself or muster any sense of control I told her everything. The letter, the sleepover, the morning sex, the shower sex, the love bite… the betrayal. I must say she handled it far better than I thought she would, at least she didn't laugh.
"I was just another arse for his collection…"
"Of course you weren't."
"Oh, really? Then how do you explain this?" I could just see she was working hard on what to say next, she didn't want to say anything in favour of Oliver because she couldn't really stand him to begin with but she also didn't want to upset me further.
"You just have to try and forget him." She finally said and I gave her the most disappointed look, this is the best she can come up with? Just forget him?
"Don't you think I'd do it if I could?" I scolded her, Gods; I almost wish I was shagged by some stranger in some bloody loo! At least this way I would have known it was only sex and didn't really have to deal with more than physical pain. At least I wouldn't have become the emotional wreck I am now.
"Well, what the hell do you want me to say? That you should just accept the fact that you were a one night stand and get on with you life?" now she was pissed and that was good because so was I and I really needed that catharsis to vent my feelings.
"Fuck off, Pansy! Do you have any idea how I feel right now?"
"I have a news flash for you, Draco darling. You are not the first man to be stood up and defiantly not the last so stop acting like a bloody martyr!" Now my tears were all dried and what was left was the boiling, sizzling anger that I needed to unload. And Pansy knew me well enough to know that none of this was directed at her, and she also knew exactly what buttons to push to piss me off.
"I'm not acting like a bloody martyr!"
"Yes, you are! I'll have you know, I was in that state more times than I wish to remember. And I got over it! Because that's what people do. They get over things!"
"You never slept with someone you were in love with for four years, just so he would stop talking to you altogether after that." I said quietly. Pansy sighed and lowered her head,
"I know. Look, Draco- you have to let it go. This fixation on Oliver Wood is not healthy. He's totally wrong for you and you know it." I could feel the tears creeping back into my eyes. She was right, I knew it- deep down somewhere in my brain there was still a part that was capable of logical thinking and this part knew she was right and this part agreed that something is to be done, but that was so much easier said than done. I can't do it; I just can't stop thinking of the man that was constantly on my mind for so long just because he turned out to be a jerk. The worst part of it all was that I couldn't forget how sweet he was, how nice. I couldn't stop thinking that it's impossible that all it was to him was sex- he told me stuff, about his family, about his life- hell he told me about his first time. If I was just there for quick shag how come it took two days? Things didn't add up, they didn't make sense and that was slowly driving me insane.
..oo00oo..
Oliver
I know I disappeared without an explanation. And perhaps I shouldn't have, but I was put in a state where I actually had more to lose than gain in loving someone. I always believed that love should conquer all. Maybe that's why I was never in love before. Sex was easy, sex was safe- sort to speak, sex was something you did to feel good, to let out frustration and horniness, sex was all about exhilaration, giving your body that elevation you could never get wanking off by yourself.
But now things have changed. It was no longer just sex, it never was. And that what freaked me out so much- I wasn't ready for being in love and caring about someone else's feelings. I never thought that it would happen to me- even Peter was safe, because I knew I wasn't in love with him. It didn't stop me from feeling like shit when he left but I think it was because I felt betrayed by the fact that he actually did it rather than me.
Draco was different. Draco is different. I can't just shut him out, and in those four days I realised how much I didn't want to. And now I'm faced with a dilemma- do I throw cautious to all wind and try to make it work or do I take the safe "logical" step and break his heart and save my arse from being fired and what not? It's one of the most ancient dilemmas around, do I follow my heart or my head.
.oo0oo.
Thursday. He's sitting in my office, along with the other three captains, completely ignoring me. I can't blame him. I would probably do the same in his stead, but it still hurt, still pains me to see how badly I've hurt him and all because I fallen so hard for him. I don't remember much of the meeting, the others talked and bickered and I just sat there and wanted to shout at them all to shut the fuck up and then march and scoop Draco in my arms and promise him eternal heaven. Their faces would have made a priceless picture. When they finally stopped talking I called the meeting to an end, I couldn't focus while he was sitting there, looking so pure and angelic with an expression of hate on his face.
As they filled out of the room I called out,
"Mr. Malfoy, can I have a word with you?" He turned without looking at me and leaned against the wall near the door. I waited for the door to close behind Bruckholst's back before turning to him, "Draco," I said softly,
"Mr. Wood." He answered in a cold and quiet voice,
"Please, Draco, don't do that." I knew I had no right to plea but I did all the same, this time he turned his eyes to me, and I saw the cold fire burning in the depths of the icy irises,
"Do what? Bed someone and then ignore them completely? Oh, wait, that's your style, isn't it?" his voice was dripping with sarcasm and every word drove what felt like an ice pick through me,
"You're upset."
"Really, d'you think? And here I thought that professional Quidditch players share brain cells!" Ok, that's not fair!
"Are you done?" The cold feeling was replaced with fury for his totally uncalled for remark.
"Hardly!" Now he was no longer leaning against the wall, in fact he was advancing at me in such a way I actually found myself backing from him, "You know, there is one thing I don't get. You had me- from the first time you kissed me. You know it and I know it." I had a feeling I knew where this was going and it would not be pretty… "You didn't have to go through all the ordeal of actually talking to me, having dinner with me and all that. You could have just shag me and I would have let you." His words hurt. Far more than he'll ever know. Especially since they were absolute true, and now we both knew it, but it didn't make me feel any better. On the contrary, "In fact," he kept on charging ruthlessly, "I think I would have preferred you to just shag me and be done with it, because then at least I would have known it was only a shag, and I wouldn't feel so fucking humiliated!" I tried to reach to him, but he swat my hand aside, there was no stopping him now, "You disappeared, Oliver. For four bloody days! You vanished. We live in the same sodding castle and you fucking vanished!
"So thank you, Oliver Wood, for a most wonderful shag. At least now I don't have to lie when I tell people I'm not a virgin. Thank you, and stay the fuck out of my life!"
With that he simply stormed out of the room, leaving me standing there looking after him. I felt my chest tightening with pain, there was a bitter taste in my mouth and a prickly feeling behind my eyes. This is not how I wanted this conversation to go…
..oo00oo..
DracoI made it safely out of Oliver's office after delivering my fury. I managed to get all the way to my bed before collapsing into helpless sobs. I know I was doing the right thing, I know that this "relationship" will ruin me. It would never be a fantasy coming true, with beautiful sunsets and romantic songs. We are simply destined to hurt each other in every turn, and tonight it was me who delivered the pain. It didn't feel good. It didn't even feel right, it just felt lousy. But I had to say what I said; I had to drain the pus out of the wound, so that now I could start over and heal.
It was about time I take the charge back into my life. I was Draco Malfoy after all, not some sodding Hufflepuff who breaks down and cries from anything someone might say to him. And Oliver made me just that, and for that I really and totally and will always hate him.
I needed that bursting out tonight; I needed Oliver to know that even though I was a virgin I was no blushing maiden he could walk all over.
I rolled over in my bed and dried my tears. That's it; I'm done crying for you Oliver Wood. Pansy is right; I need to find a new bloke to fancy.
I tried to run my options in my head but I wasn't too sure who was optional to begin with. Ever since I hit puberty there was one guy I wanted and I never actually looked around on others…
"Draco, are you ok?" Ah, salvation.
"Blaize, can I talk to you?" Blaize sauntered to my bed, looking rather perplexed by the fact I actually wanted to talk to him and not snap at him as I did so often since the beginning of this term. He gingerly sat on the edge of my bed, "I kinda need your help with something." I said and he nodded, signalling me to go on, I took a deep breath, let's do it fast and clean as possible. "You're gay, right?"
"Yes…" He said slowly, this was something we never talked about before, and if I didn't needed his help I would have found it very comical indeed. "But I don't really want to shag you, if that's where you're going with this…" now it was my turn to look stunned,
"I don't want to shag you! Of course not!" I said too quickly and too passionately before I realized it was probably rather insulting. Shit. "I didn't mean it that way. The thing is, I'm kind of too."
"Kind of what?"
"Kind of gay…" I let the words sink between us, to give Blaize time to process it,
"Tell me something I don't know." I was gobsmacked by that. All I could do was blink, and that made Blaize smile, "Come on, Draco, you think I didn't see the way you ogle Wood every chance you get?" Gods, is it that obvious? So much for being an aloof, arrogant and cold Malfoy heir.
"Well, that's the thing. I need a new bloke to ogle." Hell, if I'm going to get somewhere with this I must stop Blaize from distracting me all the time.
"You want me to set you up with a guy?"
"No, just give me a couple of names." Blaize looked thoughtful at that, I was very much hoping he was running lists of possible guys and not trying to figure out how to blackmail me for that. He didn't really have a case, but then again, he had less to lose if he was outed.
"Let's see… I'd stay away from Slytherins if I were you. They'd shag you and stab you in the same turn." He said cheerfully and we both sniggered, takes one to know one after all,
"Hmm, I take it Hufflepuff is out," I nodded, there was no possible way I could ever live it down, I can't help it, I'm a snob and proud of it. "Shame really, Justin Finch- Fletchly is a great lay." Blaize said thoughtfully and I breathed slowly in, trying to clear my head of the disturbing images. "Ok, moving on, Gryffindor… If you had a thing for Wood, you can't really turn your nose at them." He said and emphasised his point by shaking his finger at me, I wisely refrained from commenting, "I guess there's the little Creevy boy, but he's a little creepy, if you ask me- I don't really fancy finding pictures of me naked all over school. There's also Slope, heard he gives great heads. And of course Finnigan. But you can't touch him, he's mine!" Ok, that was news to me, Blaize with Finnigan? Disturbing, yet oddly hot. I can imagine it, chocolate skin against cream, Finnigan chocking out words in weird Irish or whatnot… Urgh! All right, nuff of that! I returned my attention to Blaize, who was still babbling happily,
"…sworn that Boot was a poof till he started dating the mudblood. But then again, he still can be- I don't think she's that much of shag…"
"Blaize!" I cried out, "Can we please focus here?"
"Sure. Let's see, Ravenclaw… I'd say your best shot is Corner. Michael Corner." He added at my puzzled face, "He just broke up with the Weasley girl."
"Doesn't that kind of make him straight?"
"Ha! You'd think! As a matter of fact he broke up with her when he realized she wasn't the Weasley of his choice…" He said meaningfully.
"But if he's into Weasleys…" I tried not to commit to anything, hell; I can't even picture Corner's face in my head, so how am I supposed to seduce the guy?
"For the love of Merlin, Draco! It was just a figure of speech. Besides, the only other Weasley in school right now is Ron and they use him as model in rulers' factories!" I'm assuming this was his way of saying the Weasel was straight, a rather interesting metaphor- it was a little bit too creative for Blaize to come up on his own. I wouldn't be surprised if it came from Finnigan. Maybe this unholy union would actually mount up to something…
"So?" Blaize's eyes were practically sparkling with anticipation for my answer. I suddenly realized that this conversation was probably a little too early, a little too much. Another insult added to the growing list of wrongs that Oliver Wood did me lately.
"So nothing." I said firmly and turned my back on Blaize, clearly indicating the talk was over. Blaize snorted in disdain and got up from my bed,
"You are such an arse, Draco. You know that? No wonder Wood never looked at you twice!" I turned with my wand raised ready to hex the life out of that insolent shit when I heard the door bang behind his back. Lucky sod, but don't worry, he'll get what's coming to him.
I slumped against my pillows again and closed my eyes. Michael Corner… Alright, what the hell, I could make it work. I'll just have to ask someone at breakfast tomorrow to point me in the right direction- I don't really want to make an embarrassing mistake.
See, Oliver, I can do just fine without you. Two can play this game and now that I've learned the rules- it's going to get interesting!