..oo00oo..
Draco
Lovely, lovely, wish you were here with me to share it… (Sigh).
Don't get me wrong, I love the French Riviera- the sun, blue sea and golden sand, fabulous food, the boys… Oh, the boys… all warm and golden and very scantly clad, parading all around me just begging to be picked for a night of pleasure- Yes, you can guess what I'm been doing in my head the last couple of times I went here…
Of course personally I can't really set a foot outside without donning several bottles of sun-block potion and even then sit in the shade otherwise I'd look like I've been poached in boiling water by the end of the day, but just looking at all that bronzed skin around… No-one can stay indifferent.
But April isn't the best of months to be here, the sun isn't scorching hot yet, the water is too cold to swim in, the food is still fabulous but the boys are not here yet. More specifically Oliver isn't here. I miss my boyfriend. All I can do is sit on the balcony of our Villa just outside Nice and pretend to read next to my mother while wrecking my brains to think what Oliver is doing at the moment. How did the try-out go, did he pass, does he think of me every second of the day like I do to him? He said he'd be in Glasgow, visiting his grandparents after he finishes in Montrose. I'd like to meet them, if they're anything like Eva they should be great fun.
I told Oliver that if he writes to me, he should do it under Pansy's name, but so far all I got were letters from the real Pansy, not to diss my best friend's letters; they just don't cut it the way a simple word from Ollie does.
I started composing a little wistful letter to Ollie in my head, just to lift my spirit,
'My bed here seemed so large and bare, it's even worst than the feeling I get in Hogwarts every night that I'm not with you, and I can't stop the dreams that come to my mind, of you here with me, holding me gently, the feeling of our bodies molded together so perfectly.
I need you here to keep me sane, help me to deflect the attacks of my parents- the plans of my future, the way they want me to be shaped, because if there is one thing that you taught me it's that no matter what 'wisdom' my parents are trying to beat into me, I would never turn out the way they want me to.'
Lately I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to be like them, I don't want to drown in the world of politics and schemes, that superficial world where you whore your name to gain power and influence on others. I don't need to be on top, I don't need to have a manor and servants and loads of gold. I'm not going to give it all up without a fight, of course, but I don't really see it as goal in my life. I don't need a trophy wife, one that would look good on my arm and know all the right things to say at parties, beautiful and smiling. I hate to see my mother and fathers doing it, and I don't want to do it myself. So far I managed to retain a little piece of myself during those banquets, but until now everyone saw me as a child and forgave all my little social stumbling. But all that is going to end as of June. No more 'little Draco' and 'Oh, he's so cute and lovely'. No, from now on it's going to be 'Mister Malfoy' and my every step will be looked upon through a magnifying charm. People will expect things of me. All my life I've been trained to meet their expectations, but now, when it's all rushing to me and suddenly becoming much more real than ever before I realize, I don't want to have to play by their fiddle. You might say that I'm becoming Gryffindorish but who knows, there might be some value to them lions after all- and if you dare repeat these words to anyone, I'll be sure to make your life miserable. I have ways…
'I love you. Simple as that, I never thought I'll say those words out loud, or even to myself. All my life I knew that I was destined to marry some rich girl from a respectable pure-blood family. I always hoped I could form some sort of truce with her, some sort of understanding. In my wildest dreams I wanted her and me to be the way I am with Pansy, close friends who understand and care for each other. But I never thought I'd fall in love, head over heels, madly and passionately in love- the way I am with you. Gods, I sound like a complete sap…
I wish I could see you right now, reading those words. Will you blush, a small smile creeping on your beautiful lips? Will it make you hot and hard, biting your lip and clenching your jaw, fighting arousal? Will you laugh at me and think of me an idiot? No, you wouldn't, you'd never think that of me.'
I robbed my forehead and glanced sideways to my mother, still absorbed in her magazine, good. Regardless of what Oliver might think of my words- I'm getting all hot and bothered by the thought of Oliver looking flushed, eyes sparkling with mirth, just thinking of me. I need to stop obsess and find something that would occupy my attention for more than three seconds. This is getting a little unhealthy.
An owl suddenly landed in front of me, it wasn't one I recognized. I looked at him suspiciously for a moment, until my mother's voice interrupted my thoughts,
"What is it dear?" I shook my head to clear it and reached to untie the parchment from the owl's leg. The envelope said my name in a loopy scrawl, a very familiar loopy scrawl that sent shivers through my entire body,
"It's a… note from Pansy." I lied quickly and pressed the letter close to my chest, so that my mother couldn't see the scripture on it.
"Funny, that's not the owl she normally uses." Damn you, Narcissa Malfoy for being so perceptive!
"Isn't it? I haven't noticed," Luckily the owl took flight the moment I took the letter from him, so I was speared from further investigation, "I'll just take that in my room, write her back instantly." I told my mother who already turned back to reading her magazine, and she waived me away gently. I raced to my room, my heart pounding at a hundred miles per hour, desperate to tear the envelope open and see what Oliver had to say.
"To my dearest friend Draco, (Prat, I told him to sign as Pansy, not try to be clever!)
How does it feel to date a Magpie? (YES! Oh, this is so great!!! Well done, Ollie!), Yes, as of this morning I'm officially a Montrose Magpies player. Of course I won't be joining the team until June, and then I'll have two months of training camp from hell to get me back in professional level shape, but hopefully (crossing fingers, toes and anything crossable) starting September, your dearest… Hmm, friend… Oh, fuck it! As of September your lover, boyfriend and personal secret is going to be the keeper of the best team in the league! And yes, you are more than welcome to start and working out the dirtiest, most sensual fantasy you can think of for us to act out when we get back to Hogwarts. (Kinky little… Well, I guess I have something to do tonight…)
I really miss you, and I wish you could be here in Glasgow with me. Hamish and Flora (my grandparents) are driving me mad in ways that would make Eva jealous.
BTW- Dave says hi, he's back in Glasgow, doing much better emotionally. I think that he's especially glad that I'm going to be relatively close next year.
Anyway, I have to go, lunch with the old folk…
I'll see you in four days! Gods, I can't wait to see your face again. Did I mention already that I miss you? Take care my love.
Yours, always… Pansy. (Git!)"
Four days… four days! What the hell am I going to do in four bloody days?
.o0o.
Returning to Hogwarts was never as anticipated and frustrating as it was today. The whole train ride I was fidgeting, barely able to sit on my backside. Oliver wasn't on the train, so I couldn't even tackle him in a dark corner for a quick snog or something. So by the time I arrived at the castle I was literally ready to burst with pent-up sexual tension.
Seeing Oliver in the Great Hall during dinner went straight to my cock and I had to endure a rather long, hard dinner complete with the teasing looks of Pansy, while doing all I could to subdue my over-active libido. Not to mention that last four days gave me ample opportunity to do as Oliver bid in his letter and let me tell you- I came up with some very interesting scenarios…
Just as I was about to finish my dinner and sneak to Oliver's room a firstie came over and handed me a note, saying that Snape wanted to see me right after dinner. Even my own godfather is conspiring against my sexual release, is that fair? So instead of going to my boyfriend's quarters for what would have no doubt been a spectacular night I found myself trudging down the stairs to Snape's rooms.
"Sit." That's Uncle Severus for you, never mincing words. I sat down in one of the plush chairs in front of the fire in his private rooms, accepting a cup of tea from my godfather and wondering what the hell he had to say to me. Sev took his time, though, and sipped his tea in nonchalance that irked me.
"So, Draco, this is your last year here in Hogwarts. Have you given any thoughts to what you would like to do when you leave?" Great, just great, this is exactly what I need right now!
"Hmm, not so much," I said with a shrug, hoping that Severus would get the message and leave me alone, "I just figured my father would find something for me to do."
"Is that what you want?" I bit my lip in frustration, why does he have to be so callus, rub it in and torment me like this? I know Uncle Sev gets a sadistic kink out of doing it during his class but for heaven's sake, I'm his godson, you'd think he'd have at least an ounce of bloody compassion in him!
"Does it matter?" I said bitterly, but Snape, fearsome bat that he is, is actually more like a vicious Chihuahua, who would latch on to it's pray no matter how much bigger the pray is than himself,
"Draco, this is your life," Damn, why do people always try and spew these nonsense on me? Never, in all my life has anyone in his right mind told me that this is my life, it's always upholding family name, continuing traditions, marry to a good family, produce an heir… Where in all that rot does the phrase- 'it's your life' fits? "You can't have Lucius mapping them for you," Oh, and does Lucius know about this? "What would you like to do with your life, given the choice?"
"Severus, it doesn't matter." Please don't do this to me, please don't let me develop any sort of hope that would be crushed and shuttered the minute I set foot in the manor, I don't think that my heart could take that…
"Tell me anyway. I promise none of this will go back to your parents." I grabbed the tea cup so tightly I feared it might break in my fingers, and Snape leaned forward and repeated in a silky tone that no one could resist answering, "What do you want to do?"
"I… I don't know…" I tried to resist the best I could, because I knew what he wanted to hear but damn if I was going to give it out without a fight! Admitting this to myself was one thing, buried deep in my thoughts a little sparkly fantasy for rainy days. Admitting it to Oliver was one step up I guess but still not something that would toss my world off its axis, just a little bedroom talk to keep my lover happy. But Snape, Snape is a whole different league here; Snape has the power to make my dream come true. He can make it happen and that would be the worst thing that could happen to me. I'm a coward; I admit it, when it comes to letting everything I know go just so that I could pursue some half-baked dream… The idea of giving up all I have, to live off… off nothing practically, not to have the influence and power I have right now. I don't know if I could do it.
"I don't believe you, answer me." Came that silky whipcord snapping and lashing at my soul, leaving red angry welts in its wake, but I guess I'm too easy to break,
"Potions!" I found myself jumping out of the chair, teacup smashing against the floor in a wide arc, my face flushed and my voice rose, "I want to make potions! I just want to brew potions and make a name for myself as a potions' master!" I yelled at him, feeling the sting and prickle of tears and hating myself tenfold for being so weak, "Are you happy now?" I slumped back into the chair, completely defeated and drained.
"More than you'll ever know." Good for you, you sadistic bastard! Snape leaned back in his chair and stippled his fingertips together, "Tell me, Draco, have you ever heard of the 'National Institute of Potions Making"?
"Of course I have," I answered gruffly, "It's the best place to learn potions in the entire island."
"How would you like to learn potions there?" I wanted to lean my head back and let out a mad laughter, this is worse than any detention with Filch, any trip to the Forbidden Forest, any punishment either of my parents could deal me, this was just… cruel!
"Stop it, Severus, please, this is not fair." I begged, again at the brink of tears. I can't handle much more of this; I know that for a fact. "You know my parents would never let me go there."
"Forget about them for a second." Easy for you to say, you're not the one sitting under Lucius and Narsissa's thumbs, knowing that one wrong move and they will crush you down like an insignificant bug.
"I can't."
"Draco, listen to me," Severus' voice is no longer silky and whipping but kind and warm. The voice I know that no student would believe me if I say exist. The voice Severus uses for no-one but me. Ok, maybe for Lupin, but I really don't want to think about that. "You have more potential in brewing potions than any for the others I've seen in a long time. Don't deny yourself this opportunity!" I curled around myself in the big plush chair, hiding my head in my knees and trying to minimize myself as much as I could, like a little wounded animal.
"My parents expect me…" I whispered brokenly, but he would have none of that,
"Your parents' expectations of you are absolutely unrealistic!" Snape snapped harshly and I winced, this is not something one likes to hear, even from someone who is so close to him. "You and I both know that you can never live up to them." So if I wasn't feeling like a complete failure before, here's a little more for you…
"What do you mean?"
"Your little infatuation with the flying instructor for one thing." He said in that voice, that smug one he used whenever he would torture Potter during his class. My eyes flew open and I could feel all the blood draining from my face, this is bad… very bad.
"You know about Oliver and me?" I squeaked before I could stop myself,
"Don't worry, I'm not going to betray your secret." He said in a dry bored voice, like finding this wasn't the biggest shock of his life, or the juiciest Hogwarts has seen in a while,
"How?"
"It doesn't take a genius to see the love shines every time you look at Mr. Wood." He said gently and I felt like crying again. "Draco, this is your time, use it wisely. I want you to try for a position in the Institute for next fall." I was hardly listening by now, my whole world just came crushing around my ears, I feel so… empty. "Draco?" He prompted gently and I lifted my eyes, looking at Snape like it was the first I saw the man,
"What?"
"I want you to try for a position in the Institute for next fall."
"How, how can I?"
"The head is an acquaintance of mine. I could arrange for an exam for you, combined with your NEWTs results you should have no problem securing yourself a spot." This sounded so… good, so simple and yet my heart was almost breaking. "Take the weekend to think about it, let me know your answer by Monday. I could arrange for an exam by next Friday."
"Thank you sir." I whispered, feeling drained of emotion and strength. All I wanted right now was Oliver wrapping his arms around me and telling me that everything would be fine.
"Nothing to it, Draco, go get some rest. I'll see you on Monday." I rose from the chair; feeling like my body was made of lead and managed some sort of grimace which meant to be a smile at my godfather. Stepping out of his rooms I felt dizzy all of a sudden, and had to lean against the wall for support. My head was throbbing and I felt like being sick, but I managed to suck it in until I reached Oliver's door. Gods, I can't believe such a small thing as a talk with Severus could get me feeling like I'm about to keel over with something serious.
I rested my head on the polished wooden surface for a moment, trying to find that happy, almost desperate feeling I had before stepping into Snape's office, the one that wanted to see Oliver more than anything, jump into his arms and smother him with kisses, both for seeing him again after so long and congratulating him for making it to the Montrose Magpies. I could feel the desire, just bubbling slowly under the surface like molten lava trying to find a crack in the earth crust to erupt and explode.
I pushed the door open and entered the room. Oliver sprang from the bed the moment he saw me and plastered me against the wall, catching my lips in a bruising kiss. I tried not to let myself think about anything but those lips and that body pressed against me, because if I did I'll surely go mad.
"Draco, what's wrong?"
"Mm? Nothing." Oliver pushed me to arm length and I tried to smile reassuringly but he knew me too well, "I had a little chat with Snape." I admitted in a small voice, Oliver sighed and enveloped me in a tight hug, leading me to sit on the bed,
"Tell me." I bit my lip and laced my fingers with his,
"It's nothing really; he just wanted to know what I plan to do when school is out." Oliver gave me a slightly pained look and I sighed. Maybe Eva does have a point, and talking about things does makes one feel better, well no time like the present to find out… "He said he could arrange for an entry exam to the National Institute of Potion Making for me."
"That's great, Draco, this is what you wanted!" He cried out in excitement, well, of course he would be ecstatic, he's not the one how is going to lose everything.
"No, it's not. I don't know what to do!" I practically wailed, jumping to my feet I started pacing the room, arms flailing and racking through my hair- a clear sign of distress. "If I take this exam, if I pass I lose everything! My parents would never, not in a million years, let me go there! I'm the Malfoy heir!" Gods I hate these words, 'Malfoy Heir', so empty, yet so burdening, "I'm the only Malfoy Heir, my parents have expectations of me, plans, Oliver, they have bloody plans for me! I can't just take off and do whatever I want to, that's not how things work!" Oliver stepped into my path and I collapsed in his arms, "I can't lose everything, I can't start from nothing. I can't." I whispered against his chest.
"Shush, it's ok lovely, it's ok. Whatever you decide I'm going to support you. You know that." I nodded my head, his words didn't offer any sort of practical solution but they were still good to hear. Oliver pushed me to the bed again, sitting next to me and holding my hand, "I take it that Snape isn't going to tell your parents about this?" I nodded again, "So, what if you take the exam, just to see what happens," He added hastily when I lifted my head to protest, "Come on Draco, this is something you always wanted to do, don't you think you owe it to yourself to find out if you can even do it? Just take the exam, and work from there, at least you'll have more options…"
"But what if I fail?"
"You won't." I let out a snort,
"How would you know?"
"I hear things. Didn't you know this castle has ears? When you enter these gates as a teacher, you hear a lot of things you don't give a toss about when you're a student." He said, wiggling his eyebrows mischievously, and this time I really smiled, because he's so cute when he does that.
"Liar." Oliver's expression turned to one of betrayal, complete with a dramatic hand over his heart,
"I do not lie…" He cried out with indignity that made me laugh, "Oh, alright, let's just say that everyone is raving about you, even the Gryffindors, though they tend to think that you only do well because you've got Snape in your back pocket." Stupid Gryffindorks, as if Snape would play favourites like that! Every mark I ever got in potions was my own, I'm just naturally good at this, I guess.
"You really think I should do it?" I chewed my lip and tried not to sound too whiny,
"Of course I do. You're a great potion maker and there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be doing what you love. Give it a try, that's all." That's all, so simple. Give myself more options… Set myself for destruction more likely, but there is nothing I can do about it, so I might as well do it.
"Ok. I'll take the exam." I said gravely, though Oliver's smile made me feels heaps better about my choice.