..oo00oo..
Draco
I made it. I know I should be happier about this all, but I'm not sure I can. But the bottom line is- I made it. I passed my exam with the 'National Institute of Potion Making' and secured myself a spot for next fall should I want it. It does make me feel better, more secure of myself and my abilities, but I still haven't decided if I'm going to take it or not. I'm a coward, I know that, but I like the easy life- sweet lazy life, champagne and caviar… like one of Oliver's favourite songs say.
I was completely torn about what to do; on the one hand my heart was soaring with the notion of having a new, shiny and bright future, something that was my own and no one else's, but on the other hand… I felt like I was betraying everything that I was. I mean, it's ok for Sev- he never did anything that he didn't benefit from, or Oliver who was a half-blood Gryffindor with an uncanny ability to block quafles and had a crazy muggle mother that encouraged his dreams. I am a Malfoy, and apparently that still means something around these parts.
I got the letter over breakfast, a few days after the exam results came in. the moment I saw my father eagle owl I chocked on my toast, when I saw the insignia of the Malfoy crest I chocked on the pumpkin juice I was drinking to clear my throat of the dry toast- not my ideal breakfast. I held the letter in my hand for a while, running all the possible things my father could say to me- he found out about the exam and is disowning me, he found out about Oliver and is disowning me, he just doesn't like me anymore and is disowning me…
With slightly shaking hands I ripped the envelope open and pulled out the parchment from inside. It was a short note, written in my father unyielding sharp handwrite. Damn, even his script is demanding.
"Draco,
You have a Hogsmead coming up on the 13 of May. You will be introduced to your betrothed wife then. Meet us at the 'Three Broomsticks' at eleven sharp.
Lucius Malfoy."
Well, you can't blame Lucius for beating around the bush, can you? Hogsmead weekend coming up next weekend, I have eleven days to prepare myself for the event. Meeting my betrothed… this is just another sick joke the universe is playing with me… betrothed! The girl I'm going to marry and be a devoted husband to. The girl who's going to produce me an heir to carry on the most honourable and respected Malfoy name… Gods, what a laugh.
And the worst bit of it all- I need to tell Oliver. I guess this is the moment of truth- do I take the easy way out and go see this girl or do I stand up for what I feel and want and tell my father to bugger off and leave me the hell alone? I mean I don't even have to mention Oliver's name, just telling my parents I'm gay would probably do the trick.
"Mother, father, I hate politics and business, I think the dark lord is a complete git and I really hope the Potter will off his arse soon. I got accepted to the 'National Institute of Potion Making' with Severus' generous help. Oh, and I'm gay." Simple, right? I'm just a one big disappointment after another… Gods, if I was my own father I'd clock me over years ago!
All day long I walked with that ominous letter in my book bag all day, feeling like it was weighing on my soul with every step I took. I don't know what to do. I just don't know… I can't even think straight. When did things got so complicated? When did everything went bollixed up so spectacularly? I'm a good boy, I do what I'm told, I'm nice person all in all- why do I deserve that? You don't suppose Oliver would consent being my dirty little secret after I marry…? Yeah, that'll happen! Stubborn Gryffindor would never allow me to cheat on my wife, no matter what.
"My father wants me to meet this girl I'm supposed to marry." I said without much feeling that Friday night, sitting on Oliver's bed, covers pulling down my naked waist. It might seem a little unfair of me to drop this bombshell right after sex, but hey, I needed to know that if something really bad happens between us tonight, at least I'll have some good memories. Besides, a post-shag Oliver is always easier to deal with.
"Oh? And are you?" Oliver was rummaging in his wardrobe for something and didn't particularly seem to care,
"I think so." Well, that sure got his attention! Oliver's spine snapped straight and he turned slowly towards me. I tried my hardest not to drink in his naked form, so beautifully displayed in front of me, and stay focused on his eyes- which were clouded with suspicion and hurt. Oliver crossed his arms over his chest,
"And then what?" I looked down at my hands, picking threads in the duvet and hiding my face behind my fringe, I don't know what then- I didn't allow myself to think thus far.
"I don't know." I admitted softly. I heard Oliver approaching the bed, and felt it dipping as he sat down next to me. A soft hand cupped my cheek, thumb stroking lovingly and then the fingers were pushed under my chin forcing me to lift my head,
"Why are you doing this?" I looked into those beautiful eyes, just wanting do drown in the gold and green in their depth.
"I'm scared," I whispered, "I'm scared of losing everything."
"I know." He then enveloped me in a tight hug, letting me know that he'll be there for me. Which is the only thing I really want, all the rest be damned. We didn't speak of my future again that night, or for the rest of the weekend. I knew that Oliver was now plagued with thoughts about my impending nuptials as I was, it was in that faint, almost heartbreakingly soft way he touched me from that moment on- as if he knew that these were our last hours together and he wanted to make each second count for as much as possible, and I really felt like a dick for making him worry as well.
The next week was nothing short of hellish. I didn't make up my mind about things yet but from the way Oliver was carrying around it was obvious that he had already made up his mind that I wasn't going and that this weekend we'd be celebrating my freedom from interfering parents and dumb girls who think they can marry me just like that. But the problem was I didn't know what to do. In fact I was so dreading the approaching weekend that I had troubles sleeping and eating. Pansy, great friend that she is, was trying to force-feed me at meals and slipped me sleeping potions at every interval just to keep me going and functioning. She didn't say a word about the whole mess and for that I was glad- she was never too fond of Oliver and thought he was beneath me to be with, but on the other hand knew perfectly well that I could never be happy married to a girl. Pansy and I are the same in that matter, we both grew up knowing that we would someday marry someone our parents chose for us- that's part of the reason Pansy is such a little tart, you know squeeze in as much fun as she can before she would be shackled down to a bloke she never met before. The other part of her being a tart is simply because she is!
On Thursday night came another letter from my father- Another nail to be pounded into my coffin. This one was a thick envelope full of pages on the girl herself. I read them dutifully, because I couldn't help the feeling that my father is standing over my shoulder watching down on me. Yes, my parents have this strange effect on me, always had. When I was young it made me feel somewhat safe, knowing that whatever I did, they would be there watching over me, but ever since I got to Hogwarts and found I could actually function on my own it became a burden to me. In the last couple of years it was downright a hindrance and it made me somewhat afraid of them- the more I have to hide and lie about the greater the punishment would be when the shit hit the fan.
That Friday I went to Oliver's room, palms sweating and heart beating way too fast, I finally made my decision and I know Oliver wasn't going to like it. I opened the door and slithered inside; fighting the stupid urge to turn tail and run away, because Oliver deserved to know, for good or bad and I had a moral obligation to tell him.
"Hey lovely," He greeted me with a wide smile and a kiss that nearly broke my heart, when he pulled back his smile faltered a little, "You look tense, need me to release some… tension?" You have no idea how much… I opened my mouth to say this but what came out instead was,
"I'm meeting the girl my parents wants me to marry tomorrow." Because why have fabulous sex when you can have a fantastic row, right?
"What?"
"I'm sorry." I whispered and chanced a glance up at Oliver, he wasn't looking at me, in fact he looked like he's been trying to remember something really important- in short, he looked dead confused,
"I… What?" I swear it would have been funny if it wasn't so serious…
"I'm going to meet the girl my parents chose for me." I said in a small voice, and he still gave me that vacant expression that was really starting to worry me, "I'm sorry." I added softly and in a flash gone was the glassy eyed and slack jaw, to be replaced with a hard stare,
"Fuck, I bet you are!"
"I really am!" I tried to plea but he already turned from me and crossed his arms over his chest, his back half turned to me,
"So, you're going then." It wasn't so much a question but an accusation and it really hurt!
"I have to."
"Yeah, you have to." Oliver slumped on the bed and cradled his head in his hands, refusing to look at me,
"Ollie, please don't be cross with me…" I sat down next to him and tried to place a comforting hand on his knee but he shoved me away, "I have no choice."
"The hell you don't!" He said mockingly from behind his fingers,
"What?" Oliver's head slowly rose and he fixed me with a piercing gaze,
"Draco, how long are you going to follow your father's orders like some fucking lap dog?"
"Lap… What the bloody hell are you on about, this is my father, I can't defy him!" why does this conversation sounds so remarkably like the one I've been having with my conscience all week?
"So, go ahead, marry your little tart, and be miserable for the rest of your sorry life! Go on, go!" Oliver jumped from the bed and started pacing around the room. I watched him in complete shock,
"Y-You're kicking me out?" I felt the tightness in my chest almost to point of chocking and I knew I was very close to tears. I don't know what I expected, but I don't think this was it.
"I'm not going to be your dirty little secret." Oliver said in a harsh voice that was cutting through me, I guess that on some sub-level I knew I was masking his fear and hurt by snapping at me but right now it did little to help me,
"Who the fuck asked you to?" I yelled at him, tears now spilling from my eyes and I didn't even bothered to wipe them away,
"It's either her or me." He said quietly and I stopped dead, totally frozen with shock and the only thing I could do was stare,
"Are you shitting me?" The words sounded like they were coming from a long way, not from me,
"No." Oliver said in a flat voice, eyes boring into me, taking in my tears and not caring one bit. "It's very simple- you either be a good little boy who lets his parents and everyone else push him about and dictate his life or you grow a bloody spine and stand on your own bloody two feet! So, Malfoy, what's it going to be- dragon boy?" his voice was dripping with so much venom and his face twisted with such malice that for a moment I couldn't recognize the man I loved most in the world. I swallowed hard and tried to pull myself together, this is hardly fair that Oliver gets to keep his composure while I fall apart! But then again, I had much more to lose here than he did.
"This is not fair," I chocked between my tears, "I. Don't. Have. A choice!" I wiped my eyes furiously and made my way to the door, I have had enough of abuse for one week! Oliver's quiet voice stopped me as my hand rested on the doorknob,
"You always have a choice Draco; you just have to take it." I turned around slowly and gazed at him, this is so easy for you, isn't it?
"What the hell do you know about losing everything? You… you mama's boy!" I snarled at him, tears dry and anger pulsating. To be truly honest Oliver is the furthest thing from a mama's boy as it comes to but right now I didn't care, I just wanted him to feel even a sliver of the pain I was feeling.
"Fine, have it your way! But if you go to see her tomorrow than you won't see me again."
"You are such a bastard Oliver Wood." I said and turned to the door again,
"Well, at least I'm not a coward." I closed my eyes briefly before yanking the door open, leaving the room before he could hurt me anymore. This wasn't fair, this wasn't right and now I really feel like I lost everything. I was carried through the halls in a sort of a daze that made me feel numb all over. At some point I just gave up and sank down on the staircase I was descending, I'm not even sure where I was.
I placed my head in my arms and prayed for the tears to come again and wash the sorrow away, but just like everything else in my life I didn't get yet another wish. My eyes remained dry and stinging and my body was stiff and frozen.
"Malfoy, what are you doing here?" Well, you all know the scenario that just when you think things couldn't possibly be worst something comes along that makes you wants to break down in tears and wail like a toddler? Yes, well, in this case I was sitting on a staircase somewhere in the castle, Friday night, the place is deserted and who on earth do you think would happen to pass by?...
"None of your damn business, Potter, sod off!" I hissed at him without lifting my head, hoping beyond hope that the thick Gryffindor would get the message, but of course, being the thick Gryffindor that he is- he didn't,
"Hmm, are you… are you ok?" I lifted my head and fixed him with a scorching gaze, knowing that even a dolt like Potter would see I've been crying and frankly I didn't care one bit,
"Why the fuck do you care?"
"Jeez, you're in a right mood tonight, what crawled up your arse and died there? What happened did your little girlfriend ditch you?" And they say that kicking your enemy when he's down is a Slytherin trait…
"Fuck. Off. Potter!" Instead of doing the smart thing and bolt, the little bugger just stood there, looking like he was going to stand there for the rest of the bloody night,
"Sorry, I can't do that. I'm waiting for Michael."
"Then go wait for him somewhere else!"
"But we said we'd meet here! You go sulk somewhere else!" And once again we found ourselves standing and facing each other, ready to strike or pull out our wands to hurt one another, and Merlin is my witness, if that damn Potter won't move out of my sight I will hurt him, because right now I just need to let go of all that anger and hurt and unbelievable pain inside.
"Hey, love, hey Draco." We both turned to look at the cheerful Michael before Potter leaned in for a little kiss and I turned my eyes in disgust, "What are you doing here?" I shrugged, what business is it of yours you just take that boyfriend of yours and leave me alone to grieve.
"Careful, he might bite your head off." Potter supplied oh, so helpfully,
"What happened?"
"Nothing." I said still looking the other way, not wanting to meet any of their eyes,
"And that is why you're sitting on the main staircase feeling sorry for yourself on a Friday night instead of having hot sex with…"
"He dropped me, alright?" I yelled- that constricting feeling in my chest back as soon as I said those words and made it into a reality which was more of a nightmare. "Are you bloody happy now, you bastard? It's over!" I clutched the marble banister and tried to regulate my breathing when a soft hand rested on my shoulder,
"Shit, mate, I'm sorry. You want to t…" I slapped his hand away,
"Fuck off, the lot of you! Leave me alone!" I cried and rushed down the stairs past the startled couple and moved towards the dungeon. I need Pansy, I need her to hold me and whisper sweet nothings to me while I cry out my heart in misery.
As soon as I reached the common room, I saw her; she was sitting in the lap of Stephen Cornfoot, snogging him with passion and oblivious to the rest of the world. I didn't really have the heart to tear her away from him, although part of me wanted to ruin everyone's fun- make them all miserable like I was but it hardly seemed fair. So instead I just trudged to my room and fell on my bed, finally letting the tears flow, even though I knew they won't bring me any solace.
..oo00oo..
Oliver
Who knew that doing the right thing would feel so rotten? Because deep down I know that I'm doing the right thing, for both Draco and myself, I just wish I would have chosen a different approach to things… once again I let my big mouth and hot temper run on me and this time I hurt the one person I never wanted to hurt.
I just had the worst night of my life, and knowing that Draco was in the same building as I was, probably suffering even worse than me only made it ten times harder to bear. I had to fight myself for control, not to jump out of the bed and rush to the dungeons and apologize for everything, because he was going to meet that girl and he was going to be a good little boy and do whatever his parents say he should and I just don't want to be a part of that!
I keep telling myself that maybe this whole defying your parents thing isn't the best- after all, look what it did to my father, but then again, even in my darkest moments I can't see anything similar in the two situations. Draco has opportunities, a whole life ahead of him to live. My father was just horny.
When I woke up on Saturday morning alone in my bed I decided to go and apologize to Draco for pushing him so far when clearly he wasn't ready to face something like this. As much as I want Draco to take charge of his life and remain with me rather than live a life half lived, I couldn't really force the decision out of him. He's right; I don't know what it's like. Eva never pushed me to do anything I didn't want and my father was a git who didn't give a flying fuck about me- I was the bane of his existence after all. The embodiment of everything that went wrong in his life, driving him away from his family, driving him away from Eva, my only luck was that Eva preferred me over him at the end.
It's amazing really, for once I'm trying to do the right thing, to make things better for myself and my love and I just botched it all. My one functional relationship, the one I'm actually happy being in and I tossed it to the wind, because I decided to keep my pride! The one thing I never had when dealing with other men and now I had to find it… It's really not fair, that just because I actually care about Draco I would hurt him more than anything else.
A loud knock was heard on my door, and I sighed heavily, why do people always come at the wrong time? Is there some monitor on my door informing people when I least need company and inviting them to knock on my door? This is not fair! I reached for the door handle and pulled it back, forcing myself to act cordially and not snap at whoever it was that was standing on the other side, when I saw the wide grin of Harry Potter,
"Hiya Oliver, what's up?"
"Where are Ron and Hermione?" I asked suspiciously, frankly his appearance here was a little strange, and that little glint in his eye spoke volumes of things I didn't want to hear,
"You are aware that we are three separate people, right?" I rubbed my forehead and smiled, accepting the chiding,
"Wow, you look like you had a rough night." I tightened my jaw at the unwelcoming reminder of my stupidity last night, running my hand through my hair, I tried to sound as casual and calm as I could,
"Yeah, I didn't sleep well, last night. What can I do for you?"
"Can I come in and have a word? Please?" I tried to stifle a sigh, not wanting to chase Harry away but not overly eager to have a word with him either,
"Sure come in," I finally gave up and led him to the little sitting area of my office, a part I don't normally use, since I don't really have that many visitors. Harry perched himself comfortably on the sofa and I called for tea before settling in an armchair next to him. "What is it?"
"What happened with Malfoy?" To say that I was glad the tea hadn't arrived yet would be an understatement. But then again, maybe I need something to spew and choke over right now.
"What? What are you on about?" I tried my best 'I have no idea what you're referring to' face, but Harry didn't seemed fazed by it,
"Come on Oliver, drop the act, Michael told me everything last night."
"Great." The house-elf chose that exact moment to pop with a tea tray and for the next couple of minutes we busied ourselves with fixing tea cups and trying to avoid each other's eye.
"I met Malfoy on the steps of the Entrance Hall last night. He looked like he's been crying, said you dropped him." Harry stated in a quiet voice and I felt the little needles and pricks of guilt stabbing at every part of me, like I was a human pin-cushion. "Fuck! I didn't even know he was gay!" Harry sounded amused from some reason, and I wanted to roll my eyes. Everyone with two eyes in his head could see that Draco was the epitome of gayness! But then again Harry was never one of the most observant people in the world… "Come on, Oliver, talk to me…" I stared into my tea and tried to fight the tears back, because I'm not so good at bottling my feeling and right now I just want to let go and embrace misery.
"Did you ever have this feeling you were doing the right thing but it made you feel like total crap?" I mumbled without rising my head, Harry chuckled dryly,
"Only every time someone says my name…"
"Right…" My eyes were still stubbornly fixed on my cup but I decided there was nothing for it, "I love him, and I fucked up big time last night."
"You love him?" Harry's incredulous exclamation got me to raise my head,
"As strange as it may sound to you, yes, I do." I snapped and Harry looked sheepish, slight blush creeping high on his cheeks,
"I'm sorry; I didn't mean it like that…"
"It's ok. It doesn't really matter." Another silence stretched between us and I was starting to feel like we would be sitting like this for the rest of the weekend, which might not be so bad considering my choice of alternative was to go to a damp in the lake, and tease the Giant Squid a bit.
"Look, Oliver, whatever you did it couldn't have been that bad… I mean, you guys are in love right? That should be enough." Well, if only it was that simple…
"You're beliefs never left primary school." I teased the raven-headed Gryffindor, who took that bait and blushed furiously,
"Yeah, well, it's the first time I've ever been in love its fun."
"Yeah, I suppose."
"Don't sound so morose, you probably been in love heaps of times before." All that youthful optimism… When did I lose mine? Oh, yeah, must have been that night against the wall in that disgusting loo of that stupid pub back when I was fifteen…
"Nope, I've had heaps of sex but not real love, not until now." Harry was silent for a while staring at his tea cup, before raising his head and looking at me, biting his lower lip awkwardly,
"Hmm, I've never been in love before either. I mean, I thought I loved Cho, but that was just a really stupid crush I guess, and then there was Ginny- but she never wanted me, she wanted the 'Boy who lived'… Michael seem to want me, for me… though I'm not sure why." I looked up and caught the little blush gracing his cheeks,
"Because you're a great bloke?" I suggested and he shrugged, smiling shyly,
"I thought the whole Weasley gang was going to kill me when they find out I didn't want Ginny. Ron is still in a strop over it, but I met Charlie over the holidays and he said that Ginny could fend for herself just fine and that there was nothing wrong with being gay."
"Well, he should know." I remarked dryly, oh, what fun, talking of Charlie bloody Weasley. Guess this is my punishment for hurting Draco…
"Charlie is gay?" I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes and smack my forehead and go 'duh' because that was even obtuse for Potter. "Did you guys…? Were you his boyfriend?" Well, that would depend on how you're looking at it I suppose… No, actually- no matter how you're looking at what Charlie and I shared there is really one way to describe it, one way that I've been trying to avoid using and even thinking about because it made me feel cheaper than a two sickles whore,
"I wasn't his boyfriend, I was his sex toy. His very stupid, willing and well-fucked sex toy, that's was how he wanted it and that's was how he got it." I tried not to sound too bitter, I really did because it doesn't really matter in the long run, but it still stings.
"Bullocks, that sucks." Oh, you're telling me? "So, what are you going to do about Malfoy?" Never say that Gryffindors are for shit when it comes to abrupt changes of conversations…
"I don't know. I don't want to think about it right now, I think I need to go and fly for a bit." Harry nodded and stood up,
"Yeah, I know what you mean. Look… I'm sorry things got bad between you and Malfoy. I hope you guys can fix it." That makes two of us…
Once Harry left the room I grabbed my broom and headed out. Flying, that the only thing in my life that never been complicated, that always soothed me. I just need to feel the wind on my face and ride so high and so fast that all my problems would just be too slow to follow, I need a couple of minutes of pure freedom before I return to earth and feel like shit again.
A/N: The line Draco quotes in the beginning of this chapter is from Tracy Chapman's "Mountains o' things".
Er… I was debating whether to put the bit between Oliver and Harry in, and I was about to drop it but in the end I just made it longer… oh, well. It was really for the Charlie revelation…