Chapter 9

"McGee, what are you still doing up?"

Startled, Tim turned his gaze from the coals of the fire and blinked the glare out of his eyes. It was Gibbs. He tried to quash the feelings of fear and resentment, coupled with an intense feeling of inadequacy and embarrassment, that welled up in him. He couldn't explain those emotions.

"Sitting," he said. Then, he winced at the belligerent tone and sighed. "I'm sorry. That was uncalled for."

"What do I say about apologies, McGee?"

The reply was on his lips before he even formed a conscious thought. "They're a sign of weakness."

Gibbs smiled. "That's right." He stirred the fire a little and then turned away.

Tim hesitated and then said, "Gibbs?"

"Yes, McGee?"

"What did you mean?"

"About what?"

"You said that you knew how I felt. What did you mean?"

Gibbs turned back. "I temporarily lost about fifteen years of my life."

"How?"

"An explosion."

Another memory clicked into place. "On a ship?"

Gibbs nodded. "I had to find out all over again that my wife and daughter had been killed and grieve as if it had just happened yesterday."

"How did you remember?"

"I remembered things out of necessity. There was an important case that I had information on and I was forced to remember. It wasn't pleasant, but it was necessary."

"Do I have... something like that?"

"Like what?"

Tim swallowed. "Like what happened to you... to your family. Is there something like that in my past?"

"No, McGee. You have your share of sad memories, but you aren't married and you don't have children... at least, not that you've seen fit to mention in the last four years."

"Then, why can't I remember? You remembered; why can't I?"

"I guess you're not ready to remember."

Tim stood up, wincing involuntarily, and faced Gibbs, angry at himself and at Gibbs. "I am. I hate this feeling, this not-knowing. I look at you and at Ziva and at Tony and I think that I should be saying certain things, doing certain things, thinking certain things about you all, but I don't. I have vague impressions of emotions, but nothing real, nothing to hang onto. What do I do, Gibbs? What do I do?"

"I can't tell you that, McGee. This is something you have to deal with. From what little I know, amnesia is a tricky thing. It could be permanent; or, everything could come back to you tomorrow. You know that the memories are there. You access them unconsciously every time you are able to bring some little bit to the foreground. I don't think that trying to force yourself will help much though."

"But I don't want to stay like this, Gibbs."

"You won't, McGee. Just give it some time. Go to bed."

Tim shook his head and sat back down by the glowing embers. "I'm not tired."

"Do you want some company?"

Tim looked into the dying fire and said, "No. I just want to think."

Gibbs nodded as if he understood what Tim meant and returned to his tent. "We'll be heading back to town tomorrow morning and we'll get you checked out at a real hospital."

Tim just nodded and didn't look up. He stared at the coals as they flickered and died. The sky was brightening when he finally drifted off to sleep, slumping in the camp chair.

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He dreamed. As soon as his conscious mind went on break, his unconscious mind took over. Images swirled through his dreams, but too quickly to be understood. Tim sat watching as if it were a movie, but the reels were out of order and damaged and on fast forward. He couldn't take any of it in. Then, the swirling stopped and he was in a glass cage, pounding with all his might. He shouted and shouted. In the way of dreams, suddenly, he wasn't alone. Gibbs, Ziva and Tony stood outside the cage pointing at him. He begged them to let him out, pleaded with them to break the glass. They just pointed and started laughing.

"Let me out! Let me out!" he shouted. They didn't listen. Another woman appeared, standing right in front of him, just outside the glass. She was young, younger than he was and he knew who she was, but he didn't know. She put her hand on the glass, with her fingers splayed. Tim stopped pounding and did the same, but as soon as he touched the glass where her hand was, he was back in the forest.

"NCIS! Freeze!" he heard himself say. There were crates with the Navy insignia on them. Two men, one had his gun; the other was laughing and pointing. He was going to be shot with his own gun.

"NO!"

"McGee! Wake up!" The voice seemed to echo through the trees and the image froze. Someone was shaking him, and the image flickered and faded into darkness. Still, the shaking continued.

"McGee! You're dreaming. Wake up!"

Tim forced his eyes open and found himself staring into the eyes of the man Gibbs had identified as Tony. He leaned backward, away from him, and would have toppled the camp chair if Tony hadn't grabbed it.

Tony righted the chair, then backed off and said, "Good morning, McGee."

Tim forced himself to calm down. No one here was trying to hurt him. "Good morning... Tony."

"You know this reminds me of a movie."

The seemingly random nature of the comment made Tim curious enough to ask, "What movie?"

"Actually, a couple of them. There's a classic Hitchcock movie with Ingrid Bergman and Gregory Peck called Spellbound. It's about a man who has a traumatic experience and forgets who he is. In his state of amnesia, he takes on the persona of a man he saw die. The whole movie is about how he and Ingrid Bergman fall in love while they try to find out who he is."

"So, who am I going to fall in love with?" Tim asked.

Tony chuckled. "I'll admit the comparison is a bit strained in that respect."

"What's the other movie?"

"It's called The Long Kiss Goodnight. Geena Davis plays an amnesiac who was this amazingly skilled assassin. Then, someone tried to kill her and she forgot who she was, but latched onto this alter ego she had used. Get this: she was a housewife. She got married and had a daughter, volunteered in the PTA."

Tim furrowed his brow. "So, you're saying I'm some sort of combination of Geena Davis and Gregory Peck? That's not exactly comforting... or flattering."

"They're movies, McGee. They're supposed to be representations of real life, not real life itself."

"Oh? You know many amnesiacs, Tony?"

"You're missing the point, Probie. It's a metaphor."

"I think that I'm not the only one missing a screw." He looked down. "What time is it?"

"Oh, about five. Too early."

"Why are you up, then?"

"Because you were moaning in your sleep. That's not conducive to my sleep."

"Sorry. I had a... a dream."

"What were you dreaming?"

Tim still didn't look up, but he flushed at the question. "Nothing important."

Tony sat down across from him. "Come on, McGee. As Dr. Alex Brulov said in Spellbound, well he said a lot of things including 'Any husband of Constance is a husband of mine,' but that's not really important. He said, 'Good night and sweet dreams... which we'll analyze in the morning.' It's now morning. So? What?"

Somehow, Tim knew that Tony would not give up once he got on the track of finding out about Tim's dream. He sighed to himself and mumbled, "I was locked in a glass box. I could see you and Gibbs and Ziva. I asked you to let me out, but you wouldn't. Then, I saw someone else. I knew her then, but I don't now. When I reached out to touch her hand, I was in the forest. I saw two men. One of them was about to shoot me with my gun. That's when you woke me up."

The silence that followed his recital caused Tim to look up and meet Tony's gaze, which, to his surprise, was sympathetic rather than teasing. Neither spoke for a few seconds, but Tim found himself blurting out, "I don't want to be... no one, Tony. That's who I am right now: no one. I'm nothing and I don't know how to change it."

"You're not nothing, McGee. You have a small problem right now, but it won't last forever. You'll remember."

"What if I don't? What if I'm like this forever?"

"You won't be."

"How do you know that, though? It's a possibility, isn't it?"

"Sure, it's a possibility, but you'll remember."

Tim had a flash of intuition which told him Tony was saying this as much for his own benefit as for Tim's. Suddenly, he could see that Tony didn't want to think about the possibility that he would not be back to normal. He could also see that Tony would never admit to feeling that way because it wasn't macho. Tim found himself wondering if he was this astute in normal circumstances.

"I'll take your word for it. Right now, I'm not feeling so optimistic."

"Okay, I'll be optimistic for the both of us. How are you feeling otherwise?"

"Like I got hit by a truck. If I stop breathing my chest doesn't hurt, but there's an obvious drawback there. If I don't move my head or my legs, they only throb slightly. Are you sure these things aren't life-threatening?"

"Sure as we can be without a real doctor."

"Pity," Tim said with feeling.

"Oh, come on. It won't last forever. We'll have you on powerful painkillers before the day is out."

"Great."

"Hey, cheer up."

Tim gave an intentionally humorless smile.

Tony stood up and clouted him gently on the shoulder. "There's the computer geek we all know and love. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go see a man about a horse."

Against his will, a laugh escaped Tim's lips as Tony headed into the woods. Once he was out of sight, however, the smile disappeared. As much as Tony would like to pretend everything was okay, it wasn't.

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"Where's Tony?" Ziva asked a few minutes later.

"Seeing a man about a horse," Tim replied glumly.

"What? Why does he need a horse?"

Tim smiled again. "That's another of those idioms."

"Well, what does it mean, then?" she demanded.

"He went to the bathroom."

"Why does seeing a man about a horse mean peeing?"

Tim started to answer and then realized that he couldn't. "I have no idea, but at this point, I'm probably not the person to ask."

"True." Ziva turned as Tony reemerged from the trees. "Tony, why does seeing a man about a horse indicate peeing?"

"I don't know, Ziva. It's just an expression."

"It's a euphemism originating in the 19th century when someone didn't want to reveal their business. Peeing generally fits in that category."

The three all turned toward the tent from which Gibbs was emerging.

"How do you know that, Boss?" Tony asked in astonishment.

Gibbs just smiled and said, "Now, I'm off to see a man about a horse."

Later, they all packed up, leaving a few rangers behind to finish the cleanup of the site, and headed into the nearest town with a hospital.