I've always loved Hikaru. Never in my life have I not loved Hikaru.

I guess... sometimes I get really mad at him, I don't think I should do that. I mean, I love him so much. So much more than I love myself. In our relationship, there's "Hikaru" and "Kaoru" but never "Myself". So no one can tell me that hating myself is like hating Hikaru as well. I am Kaoru, Hikaru is Kaoru, Kaoru is Hikaru. Myself is neither of those two. Myself is me. I am me. Hikaru is not. Hikaru is himself. It's never ourself, it's always us. We are us. I guess that's kind of hard to understand.

Lex showed me something, that nothing ever turns out the way I want them to. No one really understands me. Just thinking that they understand me is gonna send me to hell. I need to stop thinking of us and more of me. It's kind of hard to do that though.

It's not their world. It's our world.

People are evil creatures. Sneaking into our world and stealing Hikaru from me. They're the ones going to hell. I won't feel sorry for them in the LEAST. It's their own faults. They damn themselves.

I'm hiding. Hikaru found me for moment... but then he lost me again. While he was gone I ran into Haruhi. She's one of the best things that's happened to me.

But I can't forgive her. The relationship will never work out.

I CAN NOT forgive her for what she did.

Life used to be about us, and only us. We were the twins. It was Hikaru and Kaoru, until we were pulled out. Now it's just Kaoru. I hate it.

So, I went to Haruhi's house for our date. I ended up getting sick and stuck over at their house. Ranka-san said that he'd take care of me. I don't want him to take care of me. I want Hikaru to take care of me...

There's a new predicament, however. There's something new about my relationship with him.

I want to hurt him so badly.

Hikaru wanted me to come home. I am NOT going home with him. I'm so mad at him... I can't stand being around him anymore. I can't stand seeing him. I can't stand not being able to touch him. I wouldn't necessarily say it's love love, but it's love none-the-less. I love him so much.

I know he sees me. I know he hears me. Yet he blocks it out and pretends I'm okay.

I'M NOT OKAY.

I'll never be okay unless SOMEONE finds me. I mean, Milord, Haruhi, Lex, Kyoya, Hunny, Mori, everyone's found me. Even Chris.

I don't want them.

I want him.

Hikaru.

Sometimes I think I'm a freak, that I'm obsessing over something idiotic, that I should just get over it and stop worrying about it. Stop throwing my life away for some stupid fantasy. I could do that. If he wasn't here. I can't forget when the thing that I love so much is infront of me.

Just the sight of him makes me cry sometimes. Those beautiful fingers, that smooth face, that soft majestic hair he has. It just overwhelms me. My face with an added touch of beauty. Yes, Hikaru was made for heaven. His hair is a tint lighter than mine, his voice deeper. He's a true male. He belongs in heaven. What about me you might ask? I have this... high voice, like a girls sometimes, I have darker hair, and I get sick all the time. ALL the time. I never stay home though, that'd be selfish. It'd be selfish to make Hikaru go alone. Hikaru would be lonely, he'd die without me there by his side!

That's the lie I believe.

I love that lie, I can't let it go. Because it's killing me. It killed me.

Hikaru doesn't care.

I see him watch me, and he smiles at me. He loves the way I look. He loves the way I cry. He loves the way I bleed. It hurts, really bad. To know that Hikaru loves to see me in pain. Yet it's a relieving feeling, to know that he loves me somehow.

I'd die if he hurt.

There's a difference between us. I care. He doesn't.

I hate that.

I hate him

If that face every cried, if there were ever tears in those eyes. If those lips EVER say, "I hate you," again... I don't know what I'll do.

I do know what I'll do.

I'll die.

I can't take that. I can't take those fights. I try not to let him realize it, but everytime he yells at me, it hurts. So I yell back. Because I hate him.

But I don't.

I love him.

He hates me.

He loves me.

But I know the true answer now.

Hikaru just doesn't care about me. I'm his toy, as long as I please him I belong. If I don't, he leaves.

I HATE how he does that. I love how he does that.

I love my Hikaru. I hate this Hikaru.