Lux et Veritas
Chapter 3: SOS
Author: Knowhere
Rating: Pg-13
Disclaimer: Normal applications. I own nothing but the idea...and perhaps the idea of the dog.
AN: To comment on some of the reviews: 1)For those who have asked the meaning of TA: it is teacher's assistant. However, it does not mean for certain that Jess is going forward in the education career, only that he's helping this particular professor. 2)Please keep in mind that this is a point of view story and so most of the text will be in description and/or internal comment through Jess. Conversation, although important, is not the main focus of this story. We are seeing things through Jess and when he does come across another person there will be dialogue, but this is not a script format story. Do not expect every line to be dialogue. 3)Lastly, this is an AU story, so there will be times where the characters can seem a bit different from the ones that we've seen on the small screen. That is an element of the story that I enjoy and have done on purpose.
Personal note: I do not believe in discontinuing stories just because real life has kicked in. Stick with me, and I will finish this.
Summary: Very AU. A more relaxed college freshman Rory meets a more confident adult Jess for the first time. Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors for the both of them. Literati.
She's watching me with passive eyes. She's paying attention to the words. My words. The words of others. Words she's no doubt writing down. But I can tell she's not putting her heart into this discussion. She never really participates. Not actively, that is. She'll interject when she's called on, or when she feels so strongly about the subject that she can't help but comment. Mostly, she keeps to herself. She sits in the front right corner with her dark grey notebook, jotting down notes that she thinks will help her on future tests or assignments.
I've come to learn to watch her without being noticed. When I'm lecturing, I'll glance around the room like you're supposed to. But if anyone were to pay attention, they'd notice that my gaze will linger a bit longer to the right side than necessary. No one notices. Or at least not enough to make it even an issue. I can just chalk it up to an odd preference to glance toward my right side. More importantly, she doesn't seem to notice at all.
After than brief encounter we had over a cup of coffee, I didn't avoid her. However, I didn't seek her out either. I watched her come into the room the next day, with her hair in a high ponytail, scarf hanging around her neck, and a cup of coffee in her free hand. I could feel her looking at me, trying to figure out what had happened the previous day. I didn't return her look and when she walked out I looked down at my belongings, pretending to be engrossed in the activity of packing up my stuff. She didn't say anything and didn't even pause at the door like she was hoping I'd stop her. When her back was turned I peered up through the corner of my eye and saw that she had already crossed the threshold.
Nothing happened after that. No more lingering glances. No secret smiles. No witty banter after class that could be mistaken as flirting. She seems to have lost whatever interest I had saw for certain on that first day. I'm glad. At least I think I am. You would think, I would have become more relaxed with the situation. But I'm not. I liked having the feeling that I could make her smile. I liked knowing for sure that I threw her off by saying something silly and unexpected. I liked seeing that blush creep into her cheeks when I leaned forward toward her.
She's looking out the window now. Her eyes have glazed over like she's not really looking at anything at all. My eyes dart over to her but then flick back to the girl who's commenting on the discussion. I bring up my wrist to check the time. "Okay, that's all the time we have for now. I've emailed the reading assignments that are due the day we meet after vacation. Enjoy your Thanksgiving." There's a slight rumble in the room as everyone packs up their things.
I sit down at my desk and watch everyone rustle out of the room. She's about to get up when her phone rings. Reaching into her bag, she sits back down to answer it. Her voice is soft and I can't make out any words as she continues to have her short conversation. Her eyes have regained their spark and a smile plays on her lips as she talks. An unfamiliar feeling stabs at me as I watch her. The thought of her talking with another guy makes me want to wish that I had left earlier. But I'm rooted to my chair. Unmoving. Staring. Unashamed.
She snaps her phone closed and glances up so fast that I don't have enough time to pretend that I wasn't staring. I flush. So much for unashamed. She slips her tiny phone into her front pocket of her jeans and I follow the movement with my eyes. I can't help but check her out. With no one else in the room, I don't feel the need to tear my eyes away. She seems to be moving in slow motion as I watch her walk towards me.
I expect her to ignore my steely gaze and walk out the door like nothing has happened but she's brave today as well. I can't tell by her look whether she's amused or about to call me a pervert for so obviously checking her out. I don't know whether to hold my breath or to run. We haven't actually talked since that moment where I ditched her in the cafeteria.
"It was a good class today." A lame start on her behalf, but we have to begin somewhere.
"Thanks." No other words come to me.
"Going home for Thanksgiving?" Chatty.
"Something like that. You?" I swallow the lump in my throat.
A smile plays across her face. "Something like that." She's mocking me. Well, well, well...is that flirting once again?
"My parents and I are having dinner at my uncle's." I give her a look that asks, 'there, you happy?'
"I'm going home to spend some time with my mom and her boyfriend, get some sleep, read some books that I want to and not ones that were assigned to me." She speaks as if she were mentally checking off a to-do list.
I can't resist. "Don't like the books that I've chosen for you to read?" I smirk.
I expected her to flush and to stumble over her words like I've seen her do before. But I'm the one that is surprised instead. "Nope." Very straight forward.
"Well, I do beg your pardon."
"Begging already?"
I raise my eyebrows at that.
She drops her eyes. Nervous and shy once more. "Sorry." She mumbles.
I dismiss it by changing the subject. "Well, I hope you enjoy your break. I'll see you after Thanksgiving."
She looks up at me. "Thanks. You too."
"Bye Rory."
"Bye Mr. Mariano." I flinch as I hear that. Good thing she doesn't see me since my back is turned. Hearing her call me anything but 'Jess' makes me feel old. Out of place.
---
I push the lock button on my remote controller and the beeping noise seems to disturb the quiet little town. How quaint. I spot the diner across the street and I don't even have to bother looking both ways before crossing because there isn't anyone out here but me. The qualities of a small town. The bell jingles as I open the door and I see my parents sitting on two bar stools. I can't help but think that I've never seen the pristine Elizabeth Mariano with her DAR meetings and exquisite benefit galas, sit on a stool of any kind. Not even when she went out to a bar with her snotty friends. I've seen her insist on sitting at a table. Stools are no place for a lady, I've once heard her say.
"Honey!" I can't resist the smile that comes to my face. No matter what, I still love my mom.
"Hey Mom." She comes up to hug me and to kiss my cheek.
"Hey kiddo." Dad. I'm more happy to see him. We always connected more than I did with Mom. He's always understood my need for space and when I wanted to leave home to test my wings against the wind, he was the one who defended me against my Mom's wishes that I stay closer to home.
I walk up to give him a hug. At the same moment, a guy comes down the stairs and stops at the sight of us.
"Oh Honey. This is your Uncle Luke. Remember him?"
Nope. "Hi. Thanks for having us for Thanksgiving."
"Oh no problem. We're all family. It's been a long time." His voice is rough. Burly.
"How long has it been, Luke?" My mother asks. "I remember bring Jess over for a visit when he was eight or so. Wow. Has it really been that long?"
"Yeah well, schedules always clashed." I can tell that Luke is being extremely generous with my mom. He is kind enough to not mention that my mom probably never even bothered to try to see him. I exchange a covert smile with my dad.
"Right. We're going to have so much fun. It's been a too long since I've seen Stars Hallow. And now it'll be just the four of us for Thanksgiving. I'm so looking forward to this." I haven't seen my mom this excited since they've elected her to the position of vice-president of that women's club. I briefly wonder if she's had a drink before I showed up.
"Um, about that." We look over at Luke. He seems uncomfortable. "Before you called to say that you were coming, I had actually invited someone else to have dinner. I hope you don't mind them joining, Lizzie." Weird to hear anyone call my mom anything but 'Elizabeth.' However, this is her older brother standing in front of her. I bet he has some good stories to tell.
Caught off guard, she remarks, "No, of course not. Are they friends of yours Luke?"
Dad and I watch the two of them like a tennis match. The ball is back in Luke's court. "Um...actually, it's my girlfriend and her daughter." He's rubbing the back of his neck. He's nervous and I don't understand why. It's like he's not used to the idea of having a girlfriend.
"Well, it will be fabulous. When are they coming?" Mom's always the kind to make lemonade when she's handed lemons. Must be the reason she's so social. With me, I'd rather shove the lemons down the garbage disposal. To hell with lemonade. Too sugary.
Luke opens his mouth to answer but the bell on the door jingles once again. I'm learning very quickly to hate the cheery sound.
"Luuuke, we're here!" The woman announces herself like Ricky Ricardo would to Lucy.
"Lor, good. This is my sister Lizzie, her husband Jimmy, and my nephew Jess."
"It's very nice to meet you. Luke has told me all about you."
Dad is the first to step up. "Well, I assure you that none of it's true." Leave it to Dad to charm his way into any situation.
Luke finishes the introductions. "And this is Lorelai and her daughter Rory."
Holy crap. Please tell me that it's a different Rory. Please.
"Hi." She steps from behind where she was gently closing the door behind her. Always the cautious and polite one.
She finally looks up and catches my eye. She's surprised. So am I, and with very good reason. But she's not reacting. Except that her eyes have widened to an enormous size for just a brief second.
If that's the way she's going to play it, then I can certainly play along with the game.
"Well, dinner won't be ready for a couple of hours. Just make yourself at home."
"Oh Luke, come on. We should give them a tour. Not like there's much to see, but I'm sure your sister will want to at least catch up on the town where she grew up in." Lorelai's perky. But not to the point where you'd want to strangle her.
"Sure, that would be fantastic. Jimmy, want to come along?"
"Nah, you gals have your fun. I'll stay here and help Luke." Sell out. Way to cop out of the situation, Dad.
"Okay well, let's get going." Lorelai ushers Rory out of the door while Mom has grabbed my arm and dragged me along as well.
The two women are up in front and is it my imagination or has Rory dragged her feet on purpose to walk besides me? Our moms seem to be safely out of earshot as I see Lorelai gesturing to various buildings and talking animatedly to my mom.
I stick my hands in my pockets just because I don't know what else to do with them.
"So this is ironic." Does she always seem to be the first one to speak?
"What is?"
"You, me. This whole situation." She moves her hands to indicate the space between us but her voice is low, not wanting to reveal anything. "I mean, I thought I'd get some time away from all of this." She's gesturing once again.
I'm a bit offended. And annoyed. "It's not like I deliberately planed this. Just so happens that your mom's boyfriend is my uncle. So sorry that I couldn't have arranged my DNA to be different so that you could have some time to yourself during your vacation." Needless to say I could be brutal when I wanted to.
Her sigh comes out explosively. But her voice is still calm. Calculated. "That's not what I meant."
By now, Lorelai and mom are significantly further from us. They're so far away that they don't notice when I plop down on a park bench. Rory joins me. But at the other end. Far away from any contact.
"What did you mean then?" I scowl.
"I just meant that I was hoping to have some space." I open my mouth to reply but she starts up again. "Time away from school. The people. The whole running around schedule and the hectic work load. I'm not blaming you for anything."
I turn my head towards her. "You didn't answer my question. Why is it ironic?"
She sharply tilts her head to my direction. Fire lights her eyes. Her voice is no longer calm. She's far from collected. "Because I don't know exactly how to handle you being here. When we're at school, it's easy to avoid you. Aside from the fact that I see you three times a week in class, but even then there are about thirty-nine other people there in the room. But now. Here. It's just us. Just you. And I just don't know how to keep away."
Excitement grips my chest. But also despair. "You want to keep away?" I whisper.
"I guess." She whispers back.
I look at her. Dead on the eyes. "You guess?"
"Do you want me to want you to keep away?" How utterly childish. Way to volley the ball back to my side.
"No." I cannot believe I just said that.
"No?" She smiling.
"No." I return her smile.
She looks away. "Okay then."
I still stare straight at her. "Yeah, okay then."
---
How long have we been sitting? Ten, maybe fifteen minutes? She's looking at me. Shy once more. She peers under her eyelashes. There's a giant elephant sitting between us, begging one of us to ask the question.
"So...what now?" Apparently, she is closer to the elephant than me.
I shrug. "I don't know."
"Can we just pretend that we've just met? Pretend that you're not my TA and that we're just two regular Yale students who happened to be loosely connected?"
I swear she lives in her own little world. "What good will that do?"
"Because, if for some reason we find out that we can't stand each other then there's no reason to wonder anymore. So no weirdness when we go back to school."
"What happens if we find out we don't hate each other?"
"I haven't really thought it through to that point." She's biting her lip.
We're silent once more.
She's staring at her shoes. They're blue. Converse. Just like the black ones that I'm wearing.
"Why can't you just try?" She's whispering again.
I let out a chuckle. It sounds somewhere between bitter and amused. "What's the point in trying? The reality of the situation will come crashing back down on us."
"Would it kill you to humor me; to not be so damn realistic?"
"It might." It sounds like a joke, but I'm not joking. Pretending to be something we're not and then ripping that situation away from me just might very well kill me in the process. If I can't have her, I don't want a glimpse of what it might feel like. Ignorance is bliss.
"Is this the way you tell me that you don't want me?" She's bolder than I would ever think she could be.
Her question hits me hard. Blunt. To the point. If I were smart I would just swallow whatever I feel and say yes. It would be so easy to just forget. Move on. But who ever said I wanted to be smart? "No. It's not."
She nods. I barely catch the movement. "So what are you saying?"
I look up. The stars have begun to be visible in the dimming sky. "I'm saying that I can't pretend. But I'm also saying that I want to spend Thanksgiving with you."
She raises her eyebrows as if to ask if there's more.
I answer. "I don't think I can offer much more than that."
She's quiet. I wonder if she's disappointed. "Do I still call you Mr. Mariano?"
I chuckle. And the laugh is real. "I hope not."
"Okay." She looks over at me. "Jess."
Hearing her say my name wipes the smile off my face. Hearing it made me shiver. Even in my jacket. Who would have thought that hearing your own name could sound so intimate? Am I shivering out of cold or out of want?
Her eyes have not left my face, but she doesn't question my sudden change of expression. Her gaze flicks suddenly to my lips but I chose to ignore it. "You want a tour of the town?"
My lips quirk up in a grin. "Sure."
She gets up and I follow suit.
She's pointing to something and describing the shop but I barely hear her. She's moved closer as we're walking. Our sides would brush if I would just move a couple of inches closer. She's teasing me without even knowing it. Who knew innocence could be so seductive?
We amble along the quaint town square and she speaks softly once in a while in an effort to show me her hometown. We've walked in a circle back to the bench. That was a short tour.
She slows her steps as we near the bench we were sitting on. She looks at her shoes again. I look down too. Her arms hang down a bit awkwardly at her side. I slip my hand out of my pocket and skim down the left sleeve of her sweater. As I reach down towards her hand, I don't dare to glance up. I don't want to see what reaction she has plastered on her face. I don't want to ruin the moment.
I reach her fingers but she's not moving at all. She doesn't help. But she's not pulling away either. My fingers have finally entwined in each of hers. I'm still staring at our hands. I can't look up.
But I see her feet shuffling closer to mine. She's close enough for me to get a whiff of her shampoo. It doesn't smell like any kind of fruit, but it has a clean scent. I like it. It's making me dizzy.
She's coming closer. I stand still. Unmoving. Like a statue. The only part of me moving is my thumb which is moving on it's own, rubbing gently back and forth on the skin of the back of her hand.
She leans her forehead on my shoulder. She lets out a breath. I do the same. And we stay still. Right in the middle of the town. Next to a bench.
AN: Well, what do you think?