Lux et Veritas
Chapter 6: Exhale
Author: Knowhere
Rating: Pg-13
Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me.
AN: Sorry. I know it's been a long time. But I'm still here: reading and writing. Mostly reading. The story's coming along, albeit slowly, but it's still coming. I must say that I very much enjoy this story. Odd to say that mostly inspiration comes not only when I'm sitting doing nothing, or on the commute (both times where the mind wanders a lot to this story), but mostly when I'm frustrated with the stories out there. Where are all the good Lits? It makes me so sad.
On a lighter note, I once had a review that stated that they enjoyed "watching" my story. It said that they didn't read my story; they actually felt that they were watching the characters. I loved that. Partly because I do that too with good stories, but mostly because it's so flattering to me to hear that would occur with this story.
Chapter picks up right where I left off C5. It's been so long that it would be better to go re-read that last one to get the feel of the atmosphere once more before you begin this one.
So, enjoy and I hope that you too can 'watch' this chapter.
Summary: Very AU. A more relaxed college freshman Rory meets a more confident adult Jess for the first time. Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors for the both of them. Literati.
Inhale, exhale. Repeat.
I've done nothing in the last hour; no, it's been longer than an hour. Definitely longer. The sunlight is not shining as bright. Not that I've paid any attention to the sun. But the true measurement of time is that I've lost almost the entire pack of cigarettes. Not lost, used. I'm down to the last one. I've just been sitting here, smoking. Not really powering through one after the other, but slowly. Taking my time. I've just been lighting one when I've noticed that I don't have a cigarette in my hand any longer. There are a couple of cigarette butts next to me on this small wooden bridge. Barely even a bridge, more like a footpath over a small trickling of a stream.
I'm almost done with the cigarette in my hand. One more inhale. Exhale. I toss it into the water. It makes an arch as the dying tip of the cigarette sails through the air and into the stream.
I'm feeling calmer after that pack. But I wished I had answers instead of nicotine pumping through my veins. I've just been sitting here in silence.
The cigarette has floated downstream and I can no longer see it.
"You know you could get fined for littering."
Despite everything, all the fear and apprehension, I smile. I turn my head. "Hey."
She doesn't return my greeting. "You smoke." It's not a question, it's a statement. One that is devoid of emotions, so I don't quite know what to make of it.
"Yes." Truthful answer.
"Hmm." She's plopped down next to me. Like a big fat raindrop on a cloudy day.
I think if I had another cigarette, I would light up right now. "Does it bother you?"
She's shaking her head. "Nah." Nervous chuckle. "Are you kidding me? I'm used to that kind of stuff."
She's such a liar. But a cute one at that. "Right, cause I'm sure there are plenty of smokers here in Maybury."
"Hey." She's trying to pretend that she's offended. "We sell cigarettes here." A beat. "Plenty of people buy them. Tons actually."
"Oh yeah? What brand are they?"
She's looking down at her feet, which are swinging back and forth underneath the bridge. "Um, the candy kind."
I laugh.
She joins me.
Our amusement dies down and we're silent. My thoughts about my failed relationships, or lack thereof, simmer in the back of my mind.
"You okay?" She bumps her shoulder against my right side.
"Yup." My response has no emotion in it.
She turns her head to look at me more, but drops her intense gazing after a second. She offers me a chuckle that has no laughter in it. "Am I being paranoid or are you lying to me?"
I don't answer.
She busies herself by tucking in some stray hairs behind her ear. She's doing it over and over again even though it's obvious that she doesn't have anything blocking her face.
I still don't say anything. I'm considering lying.
She looks over at me.
I can see her from the side of my eye. Without turning to face her, I reach over and wrap my arm around her shoulders.
She scoots closer. That's a good sign. She tucks herself into my side and sighs. "Jess?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you really have some deep dark secret to hide, or is the mysterious front you put up an act?"
I can't help but smirk. How many people have thought that about me? I've lost count. "Nah, I don't really have a huge skeleton in my closet."
"Then why the attitude?"
"I don't like to be an open book."
"Would you rather read a closed book?"
Nice metaphor for an English major. "I like to be a challenge."
"So you not answering my question is you being a challenge?"
I finally turn to face her to look her in the eyes. I take my hand that isn't around her waist to touch her cheek. She leans into my palm. Her face is warm in my cold hand. "You're not being paranoid."
"Oh." She seems at a lost for words.
"Can we just leave it at that for now?"
She appears troubled. "Okay." It doesn't seem like it's okay, but she's dropped it.
I exhale again. I think she joins me and sighs but I'm not sure. I'm too busy thinking about how I'm going to solve this mess I've got into. I don't want to loose her, I'm really interested, but I have absolutely no confidence that I can make any kind of relationship work.
"Hey. You wanna come over and watch movies with me tonight?" She's suddenly perky again. Oddly enough, her enthusiasm seems genuine.
"At your place? I mean, at your house?" I thought we were keeping the subject of 'us' undercover.
"Yeah. Luke is taking Mom out to dinner and a play in Hartford." She offers that as an explanation.
I bypass all the innuendos that shoot through my mind as she mentioned that we would be all alone in her house. "Yeah, that sounds good." No matter how nervous I am about the uncertain future, I'm pleased that we can spend an evening by ourselves.
She's offering me her hand to help me up. My knees crack as I stand up from sitting half a day. "Let's go get supplies."
"Supplies?"
"Well, we need to load up on junk food for tonight. And if we have time, we can pick up something for dinner." She giggles like an excited child.
"Alright. Lead the way."
She reaches for my hand again and I smirk as she tangles our fingers together. It feels so natural and right to be walking through the town park hand in hand with this girl.
"So, what do you want to watch?"
"Whatever's fine," I just want to spend time with her. I won't be concentrating on the movie with all the things that I'm already thinking about.
"Oh, oh. How about we rent cliché first date movies? Just a bunch of romantic comedies that are deemed good date movies. Good idea?"
"First date huh?"
I've made her flustered. Her teeth chew down on her lower lip and she's gesturing with her hands as she tries to talk her way out of it. "Not first dates specifically to us. I was just thinking that it would be a funny theme for our movie night. Not that it's our movie night, like it's some sort of tradition. I was just saying out movie night because that's what my Mom and I call it. I was just thinking…"
I abruptly cut off her rambling, "Calm down. I was just thinking that we could go out on a real first date that includes a restaurant and not take out with enough sugar to feed a small town."
"Oh."
I love that I can make her so embarrassed with the simplest things. She leads me through the door of their local market. With her free hand, she grabs a basket and heads directly for the candy and chip aisle.
I follow. I don't mind. I'm a modern guy who doesn't care having the girl take charge. Kinda sexy when you think about it.
"Do you like this kind," She breaks me out of my reverie by holding up a bag of chips, "Or this kind?"
Classic versus sour cream and onion. "Tough choice. I don't care. I like both."
"Alrighty. Both it is." She winks and throws both huge bags into her already growing collection.
Her humor and good mood is infectious and I put my worries on the back burner to give her my full attention. Why not have some fun?
She's wrinkling her nose at some decision. How cute. "Are you a salty or sweet kinda guy?"
"Normally salty." I suddenly reach out to pull her close. She's flush against my body. "But I could go for something sweet right now." Couldn't pass up the opportunity to flirt.
I bend down and kiss her. I wrap my arms around her and her free hand is resting against my chest. She gives a little sigh and she bunches the cotton of my tee shirt in her fist as I lick her bottom lip to get her to open up. And she does.
I pull back and rest my chin on the top of her head. She's tucked her face into my throat. She's breathing deeply and I find that I'm mirroring her actions.
"So your mom and Luke are gone for the evening?" Suddenly I have the strongest urge to be with her in the privacy of her empty house.
She nods, not meeting my eyes.
I chuckle. "So you about done here?" I half expect her to say something about my urgency, but she doesn't.
Her voice is shaky. "Um, yeah. Just one more thing." She's backed away from me, but reaches behind to lace our fingers together.
It makes me smile. But she doesn't see. I watch how small her fingers look compared to mine. She has incredibly pale skin, and her fingers look washed out compared to my more olive complexion.
I've hardly been paying attention and I would have ran right into her had I not heard her surprised voice.
"Dean."
"Hey Rory."
I look up to see this guy address her, but he's staring at me instead. She lets go of my hand and starts to wave it between this guy and me. "Oh, right. Jess, this is Dean. Dean, Jess."
"Hey."
I nod my head in response to his half-hearted greeting. Boy, is this guy transparent. I get it; you don't like seeing me with Rory. I'd bet my life on the fact that he's her ex.
"So, you're back in town for Thanksgiving."
"Yeah." Her eyes dart around as if looking for a way out.
"Nothing's really changed since you left for college; well, of course since this is Stars Hallow."
"Right, right." She catches my eye as she glances towards me. "Listen, it was nice to run into you, Dean. I'd love to stay and chat, but we've gotta run."
He looks disappointed. "Oh, okay. Maybe we can grab some coffee before you leave; you know, catch up on stuff."
She doesn't respond; she just smiles.
The guy walks away with his shoulders hunched over.
I bump her shoulder gently. "So, you wanna tell me about him?"
"No." She gives me a sad puppy face and I know she's not serious.
"Oh, come on. You can't do that. That's not fair."
"What are you going to do about it, huh?" Playful girl.
I kiss her to wipe away that face of hers. That's a lethal weapon when used in the wrong way. I pull back abruptly and she stumbles into me at the disconnection.
"How about that?" I can't but smirk.
"Now that's not fair." She reaches up to touch her lips and my smirk grows wider just watching her.
I don't ask again about the ex. She doesn't say anything about it either, and I'm not one to pry. We can have that conversation some other day when we also have to dig into my past girlfriends. I'm in no hurry to bring forth from the grave all the dead relationships either of us has had.
The walk back to her house is entirely uneventful. It's not even filled with conversation. We're just walking in silence side by side. It's a short trip and before I even noticed, I see her rummaging through her pocket for her key. She holds the door open for me and shuts it behind us.
"Where should I put this?"
She gestures. "The coffee table. None of that is going to survive the night anyways." She smiles.
Somehow I don't think I'll survive if I consume even half of it. I hear her ordering a large pizza over the phone, and she quickly finishes the conversation and re-enters the living room.
"Okay, pizza's going to be here in about twenty-five minutes." Her voice is a bit higher pitched than normal; sounds shaky but I ignore it. Chalk it up to just jitters.
I'm sitting down on the couch with one arm against the back of it. I jerk my head in my direction and flash her a smirk.
She sits down next to me. "Hi."
"Hey." I pull her closer with my right arm. "Come' ere."
She doesn't move fluidly. She's jerky in her motions to come closer. Her shoulders are stiff and I'm wondering if I did something wrong. I wrinkle my forehead. "Something wrong?"
"No, no." She's smiling wide. Big ass fake smile. "Why do you ask? Why do you think that?" Her words come out in a flurry.
I fire back quickly. "Probably because you tightened up the moment I touched your shoulder." I recoil and my voice sounds gentler. Be considerate. "Was that not okay?"
Her shoulders immediately slump and she's sitting hunched over the edge of the couch. She scrutinizes her shoes. "No, it was okay." She's looking up at me. Her sigh comes out explosively. Suddenly she's frustrated. "It was more than okay. It was great. It's just…it's just…"
"Just what?" I want to reach out to calm her, but I don't think that would be a good idea.
"I'm just really nervous, alright?" She's raised her voice an entire octave. "I mean, I just don't know what to do." Her hands are flying about. "I don't know what to do in this situation. I mean, what was I thinking asking you to come over when I knew that no one would be around?" I think she's progressed into just asking herself questions. She's barely talking to me. "Stupid Rory."
"Hey, hey." I finally reach out a tentative hand to her arm. "What brought this on? I thought I was the one who was freaking out, not you."
"I'm sorry." She really does look sorry. "I just don't quite know how to handle all of this. I mean with Dean, it was safe. It was mundane. But just a couple of days with you, and it's like…dangerous…and, and, and…explosive and perilous." She stutters when she's nervous. I tuck that into my memories; add it to the long list of other things she does when she's flustered.
If the situation were any lighter I would have made some comment on those synonyms she just gave me.
"I mean," her voice is barely above a whisper, "I don't think I can help myself around you." She's not looking at me, but I can see that her face is bright red. God, that's so damn cute.
I want to laugh out loud at this situation. She's sometime so naïve that it scares me. I'd hate to be the one to open Pandora's box for her. I'd hate to be the one who has to tell her of all the world's disappointments and letdowns. I'd hate to be the one who has a great possibility of breaking her heart.
"Jess?" She looks up. She's expecting some sort of answer.
"I'm here." I slide over so that our knees are touching at an angle. Our sitting bodies make a 'V' shape. "I'm nervous too." I bump her knee. "I really am."
She bumps back. "Okay." She tries out a smile. She's barely able to tug up the corner of her lips. "Sorry I sounded so crazy."
"Nah. Nothing to be sorry about." I take her hands. "Just let me know if it seems like we're moving too fast, so we can avoid that in the future." I stick out my pinky finger. "Deal?"
She giggles and extends her pinky as well. "Deal." She shakes our hands.
I let go to reach up to tuck a lock of hair that's fallen into her face.
She stops my hand from retracting by laying her own over mine. "You were freaking out earlier?"
I've almost forgotten that I've let that slip out in the spur of the moment. "Kinda."
"Why?" There are no insinuations in her voice. Just plain curiosity.
I smile. And to my surprise it's genuine. With her small hands held in mine I look into her eyes and decide to tell her the truth now. She can decide if she still wants me when I tell her that I'm lousy at relationships. Maybe Pandora wouldn't have opened the box had she'd known explicitly how damaging the insides would become. "Rory, I'm no good at this." My thumb is rubbing the back of one of her hands. "I'm not good at relationships. I've never been in a long-term relationship. I'm just not good at them. And that never used to bother me because I never found someone I wanted to be with for more than a couple of months. But…" I've let go of her hands to run one of them through my hair. I don't even have the balls to look at her face anymore. "But now that I've met you I see what I've been missing. I'm just afraid that I don't know how to make it work. It doesn't seem like it matters that I want to make it work, I just don't know where to begin. I'm sorry."
I still can't look at her. Surprisingly enough, she pushes her forehead against mine and gives me a sweet smile.
"I'm glad that you don't feel like you have it all together; 'cause I sure as hell don't." She gives me a quick kiss. But she doesn't pull away. "Let's add a second part to our deal. An amendment. We'll both figure this out together. Okay?"
"Okay." She's made me feel better. I'm not sure if she really meant all of that, but it comforts me knowing at least she understands the surface. I lick my lips. "Is it alright if I kiss you right now?"
She giggles in a wonderfully childish way. "Yeah."
It's short and sweet, brimming full with the promises that we made to each other of truth and honesty. Who knows if either of us can keep them, but it's nice to pretend that we don't have a care in the world.
I like that about her. She makes me forget that the world is a crappy place. She makes me think of the possibilities, the future and the unknown. But she doesn't make me think of the unknown as a horizon where it drops off the edge of the world; she makes me think of it as this wonderful place that's full of colors I haven't seen, feelings I never knew existed, and experiences that are beyond words.
"I like you." I'm not embarrassed to say it. Though it does sound oddly reminiscent of the elementary love notes that are passed during class with a whisper to check the box yes or no to the age old question of 'do you like me?'
She's smiling so wide it's consuming her face. "I like you too." Check in the 'yes' box for me.
---
She's snuggled up against me. She's fast asleep. Eyes are closed tightly and she sighs every so often against my chest. I have one leg on the couch, the other hanging off bent at the knee so that I can rest my foot on the ground. She's in between my leg and the edge of the couch. She looks comfortable. I certainly am. I can't stop running my fingers through her hair. Combing out the tangles that appeared when we made out on the couch during the movie. I think we're watching "You've Got Mail" or maybe it's "Sleepless in Seattle." I don't really care. I think we watched them both. The night has been a bit of a blur, and yet I can clearly pick out any memory of tonight. The empty pizza box is on the coffee table, it's companions of candy wrappers and soda cans sit happily next to the cardboard box that only has one cold slice of pepperoni in it. My eyes are so heavy. I just want to close them for a minute. The day has been draining. Good, but draining. My eyes seem to have a will of their own. Between several simultaneous slow blinks and a long luxurious exhale I think about how perfectly she fits lying on top of me…
AN: Enjoy? Tell me; it makes for a happy author…