Lux et Veritas

Chapter 7: Close

Author: Knowhere

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me.

AN: Still here. Ideas bubbling up. Yay for vacation. Happy Holidays.

Summary: Very AU. A more relaxed college freshman Rory meets a more confident adult Jess for the first time. Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors for the both of them. Literati.

In between sleep and consciousness I hear a door close.

My back aches. My legs are heavy. I can't quite open my eyes, but I know something's sticking into my side. It feels like…an elbow?

I'm finally able to force open my eyes that seem so sticky. Reality comes flooding back onto me. She's still lying on top of me. One of her arms is wrapped around my torso and the other one grips my shirt and is digging her elbow into my ribcage. I look down at her face. Her eyes are shut tight. The fluttering behind her eyelids is apparent and I know that she's dreaming; or at least in the rapid eye movement cycle of sleep. What do they call it? REM? Something like that.

I shift gently so I can balance out some of the weight on my body. We've been lying here too long and it's taking its toil on the fact that most of her weight is resting on my chest and I need to take a deep breath. God, how long have we been sleeping?

Sleeping! Shit, I've spent the night right on her couch. My head darts from side to side trying to gauge just what time it is. Damn it; she drew the curtains shut last night to reduce glare from the TV screen and I can't judge the sunlight. What if her mom saw us? I'm about to wake her up when I notice that I can't wrinkle my forehead without an odd feeling. Bringing my hand up to my face, I feel that something is attached. High on my forehead, almost to the hairline is a post-it note. Bright. Yellow. Cheery. And my stomach sinks.

Well hello! Fancy finding you asleep on my couch. With my daughter. Alone. Can't wait for this conversation. Lukes' for lunch. Be there…or be square. –Lorelai Gilmore. (Victoria, not Leigh).

I don't know what to make of the note. I can't figure out if she's furious or just curious. She scrawled a lopsided happy face. Not quite happy, but like one of the weird looking smilies that no one ever knows what they mean when they use them in email.

I'd examine the note more, but she's stirring in her sleep. She lifts her head up from my chest to meet me dead on the eyes.

I can't help but laugh. She has a post-it note on her forehead as well. It only says: Read his forehead.

"Huh? What the hell?" So articulate. I'm guessing she's not a morning person. Her whole face has contorted into one of confusion.

I help her out by taking the note off her forehead and hand it to her. "Here."

She's shifted her weight and now she's resting her arms on the top of my chest holding the note in front of her eyes. She's trying to catch some light to read it. "What did your forehead say?"

I hand it to her.

She groans. "This sucks. I didn't want her to find out like this."

"You didn't want her to find out this way, or you didn't want her to find out period?" Even though it's early the feeling of annoyance came really easily.

She pulls back slightly. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, are you embarrassed to be caught with me?"

"Jess!" She's scolding me like I'm a child. "I never said that." She sighs. "I just wanted to tell my mom in person. Over a gallon of ice cream and a full pot of coffee." She gets this look in her eyes. "And before you even think it; not because I'm embarrassed, but because I wanted to do our typical girl talk ceremony with her. Like we do whenever there's a new boy."

I feel foolish. I'd been so worried about being caught that my mind just defaulted to the worst-case scenario. "Sorry."

She rolls her eyes in jest. "Boys." But I know she isn't mad. "Hey, shouldn't I be the one who asks you if you are embarrassed to be caught with me?"

The seriousness of her statement throws me off guard. It also doesn't help that she's still basically lying on top of me. "Huh?" Oh so lyrical of me.

"You were the one who was battling some deep dark issue when we first met. I mean, you even ditched me in the cafeteria 'cause you got spooked."

"Was I that obvious?"

"Yes you were. And you just avoided my question."

I shift her off my body. Not roughly, just causally so I can sit up a bit. I lean back against the arm of the couch and she's gently easing her weight off of me. My legs are still entangled somewhere with hers but she's backed off a bit to give me space to answer. My hands find her waist and I toy with the edge of her shirt. It's soft. "I've been thinking a lot. Ever since the other night on that bench."

"Yeah?" Her tone is gentle. Like she doesn't want to scare me off.

My eyes dart to the door just adjacent in my line of sight. How easy would it be for me to just run off and avoid all of this? "And, I think that it's stupid of me to worry so much about it, right?" I feel my eyebrows hop up on my forehead waiting for her response.

"I think it can be silly. But if it's that important to you…" She's offering me a way out.

"It is important to me." A beat. "I mean, you're important to me."

She giggles. "I wasn't fishing for a compliment. I had meant, if it was important for you to feel," she's gesturing with her hands, "whatever it is you're feeling, then it isn't stupid."

I smirk. "I knew what you meant." I drop the look. "But I was thinking that you won't be my student after the semester ends. That's only like a month or so away. And when the semester's over, we won't be doing anything wrong. There's no rule saying that students can't date, right? Well, there's an unspoken rule about not dating your student when you're a TA but I won't be after the class ends for you."

"So what are you saying?" She's biting her lip. I hope it's in anticipation.

"I'm saying that we have to play it cool for the next month and then we won't have to hide anymore."

"Play it cool?" Somewhere in the back of my mind I can't believe I just used that phrase. I have a nagging feeling she's being nice and not mocking me.

"Like it probably wouldn't be a good idea to have our first date at the school cafeteria." I joke.

She's silent. She looks deep in thought. "I'm not a big fan of sneaking around." I want to ask if she's speaking from experience or not.

"What are you saying?"

"Nothing, just I'm not a fan."

"Well, that's saying something." I'm looking at her. "Are you saying that you want to essentially put us on pause until the semester ends?"

She grimaces. "Not exactly. But that would be safer than trying to sneak around seeing each other, don't you think?" She breaks eye contact.

I'm confused. "If you don't want to stop seeing each other, and you don't want to sneak around as you so put it, then how do you think we're going to do all of this?" I'm trying my best not to sound hostile. Though I'm sure she can pick up on my annoyed tone.

Her tone doesn't match mine. It's like she won't stoop to my level. She's basically whispering. It almost sounds like she's whispering in shame. "I'm sorry. I guess I do want a pause." She used finger quotes on the word pause. I hate those. I've always had.

I chuckle. But it's dry and definitely not in humor. "Why do I get the feeling that you're breaking up with me before anything's happened?"

I've just noticed that she's tucked her legs underneath her. When had she moved? "That's just it, Jess. Don't you understand? It's not that nothing's happened. I feel like these last couples of days with you have been more intense than any other relationship I've been in. Not that I have a huge encyclopedia's worth of knowledge, but it just feels like a lot." She bows her head. Her chin almost touches her chest. "I just think this month is a good time to take a step back and evaluate everything. You need to not be caught, and we'll both have finals coming up. I need to do well on them. I have a scholarship to maintain because otherwise I'll be in serious debt before I turn twenty-two. I'm talking like, Bill Gates kinda money." She's taking a breath. "I'm just saying that we should take some time to think about this. And it'll be good for us to use this time. It'll just be harder to sneak around anyways. Then, if we still feel the same at the end of the semester, we can pick things up again."

My eyes have glazed over listening to her speech. "If?"

"What?"

"You said 'if'. If we feel the same way about each other."

She tucks her hair behind her ear. "Well, you never know…" She trails off into nothing.

I'm not looking at her. Not at all. "You didn't strike me as the fickle type when I met you."

"I'm not." She sounds defensive. "How do I know you'll still be interested in me in a month? How do I know it wasn't just the thrill of getting caught that interested you?"

Damn, that hurt. Like a dry knife to the bone. I can feel my wall going right back up. Forget this. I don't need this. "If you think about me like that, then you don't know me at all." I get up off the couch. I've effectively thrown her off balance while doing it. "And you're not the girl I thought you were." I bend down to pick up my shoes and my sweatshirt that got discarded on the floor last night. Less than twenty-four hours ago I was happy. Ignorantly so.

"Jess, wait!" I hear her call as I round the foyer. I reach for the doorknob as I feel her grab my shoulder. "I said wait." Her voice has a slight shake to it.

I spin around. I've scared her. I see it as she backs up. "What happened to last night? When I made that promise? Hell, what happened when you made that promise? Do you remember it Rory? That even though we were scared about this, we would figure it out together. Sorry if I actually thought you were telling the truth. And I'm sorry I was such an ass that I believed you." I don't wait for her reply. I open the door and step through. I slam the door. With force.

"Jess!"

I turn around once more. "Tell Lorelai sorry about skipping lunch. But I'm sure she'd understand since we don't have anything to tell her about us."

She's stepped out as well. Goosebumps appear suddenly as the cool air hits her. God, I want to reach out and touch her. Warm her up. But I can't. And I won't. "I hadn't meant…"

"What? To forget? To belittle me?"

She scrunches up her face in sadness. "To hurt you." She's wringing her hands together. "I thought it would be easier. I had," she shrugs once, "the best intentions."

"Yeah well, you did hurt me." I suddenly want to inflict as much pain on her as she just did on me. "And I'm sure you know the saying." My voice is bitter. I think it's worse than the biting wind.

I've achieved my goal. She's hurt. "I have a feeling that it has something to do with good intentions and the way they pave the road to hell." She hangs her head.

"Bingo." I click my tongue.

"Jess, please don't leave like this." She's pleading me, but I can't give in. I can't forget that she's hurt me.

"Don't use that tone with me Rory. Don't patronize me."

She thumps her foot like a child who hasn't gotten her way. "Damn it Jess! I'm not patronizing you!"

I feel better that she's fighting back. I need to get away. "Don't worry. I'm good at forgetting too."

A little voice inside screams, 'liar, liar!' and I struggle to keep it at bay. I don't fall for anyone. I never have. But I've been told that when I do, I'll fall hard. Grandpa once told me that. Said it was the curse of the Mariano men. Fuck the curse.

My brisk walk away from her house has turned to a jog. Now, it's a flat out race to my car. I need to get away. I don't belong here. I need some sense of normalcy in the moment. My car's friendly car alarm beep sounds like heaven's chimes to my ears. I rip open the door to climb in.

---

My couch is freezing. I shift to quickly whip my hood of my sweatshirt over my head. A whimper from my side catches my attention. I scoot over. The couch dips as Adso jumps up to curl against my side. He licks my hand. Once. I don't move. Twice. I move my hand to the spot behind his ear to scratch. He sighs contently. I wish I could join him.

I turn my head to look at the growing pile of papers that are starting to multiply on my coffee table. Propping myself on my elbow I reach over to pick one stapled packet up and my red pen. B+. Good enough. I don't even want to read any of these. I flip to the next one. Shaking my head I toss it back on the coffee table. I'll do them later.

Adso's ears perk up and he jogs to the door, pawing at it constantly.

A knock on the door escalates his pawing to a small bark. I ease myself off the couch. "Hey, don't bark."

He bows his head and sits down on the doormat.

I don't even bother with checking who it is first.

I open the door to find her standing with her hands clasped in front of her. I sigh and don't say a word. She can talk if she wants. She's at my door.

She bites her lip. "Hi."

I return her greeting. "Hi." But I don't step aside for her to come in. I'm not sure what I want yet.

Her eyes peek behind my shoulder. "Do you mind if I come in?"

I want to tell her that I do mind, but I nod instead and shuffle to the right. I've given her enough room to pass, but not too much.

Adso instantly goes to sniff at her legs and she smiles and bends down to pet him. Suddenly, I don't like that she's doing that. I don't like that she's making herself comfortable here in my home. She's hurt me and I don't like watching her make friends with my dog.

Rudely, I take Adso's collar and usher him to the bedroom and close the door behind me. I look back and she's taken aback at my sudden movements.

"What are you doing here Rory?"

She opens her mouth to reply but I cut her off instead.

"How the hell did you find out where I lived in the first place?"

She's wrinkling her forehead. It looks like I've almost pushed her to tears with my tone and I suddenly feel extremely bad. "I'm sorry. I asked Luke. I just made up some excuse about wanting to see what an off campus apartment looked like and he gave me your address. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have came." She's turning to leave.

"Wait." I sigh. Breathe deeply. "Don't go." I sit down on the couch but I don't offer her to do the same. "You obviously came for a reason. Stay."

A part of me wants her to tell me that she's sorry and that she wants to be together, and the other part of me doesn't know if I can accept.

"How have you been this last week?" Nice try Rory. I'm not in the mood to play small talk with you. Cut to the chase.

"You didn't come to ask me that."

She whispers loud enough for me to hear. "Wow." She scratches her arm underneath her sweater. "I um…" She sits down without an invitation. She's on the other side of the couch. "I wanted to clarify what I said the last time we saw each other." She crosses her legs and uncrosses them again.

It makes me feel a lot better knowing that she's nervous. "What?"

"I mean, I don't think I explained what I wanted clearly. I think that's why we got into a misunderstanding."

"You don't have to make it so damn politically correct. I think you made it pretty clear you didn't want to be with me."

She suddenly becomes loud. "Stop saying that."

I look up to see her determination.

She drops her voice back down. "I never said that. Not once in our conversation did those words ever come out of my mouth. I simply said it would be easier for us to take a step back and think about it since we'll have to wait until the end of the semester anyways."

"And then you went on saying that I was only interested in you because of the thrill of getting caught." I'm bitter. "Isn't that right Rory?"

She rubs her forehead. "I hadn't meant for that to come out. I was out of line."

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry about that. I really am. But please understand that I really hadn't meant to hurt you or anything. I just don't want you to feel obligated to be with me when the semester ends because we had that weekend of Thanksgiving together. Believe me, I've done that before and it sucks to feel like you're obligated to someone, out of responsibility or pity or something like that."

My tone finally softens. "Is that why you said you wanted a pause?" I scoot over closer to her. Finally I understand. "You didn't want me to feel like I needed to be with you?"

She stares at her lap. She nods. "I just want you to want to be with me. I don't want to force you because of some promise." She sniffles.

I'm close enough to her that our legs can touch. "Why didn't you just say that?" I bump her knee gently. "It would have made things easier."

"I don't know." She picks at her cuticles. "The words didn't come." She finally looks up at me. "I honestly didn't mean to hurt you. Really."

I forgive her. "Okay."

"I'm actually really good with promises. Keeping them, I mean." She smiles tentatively.

I give her the smile in return that I know she's seeking. I feel like I shouldn't say anything to ruin the moment, but I do. "Now that we cleared up what we meant. What do you want to do about all this?" My voice is calm and collected. I just want to know.

"We'll…" She giggles, "play it cool."

I smirk. "You remembered?"

She shrugs one shoulder. So dainty. "Well, I would have said something at the moment but then the landslide occurred in our conversation."

I nod. "Yeah, I know."

She breaks the moment and I'm glad. She looks around. "So this is where you live?"

"Yeah, I know it's like a shoebox."

"I think it's cozy." Her head turns sharply as she catches the sound of whimpering and frantic digging of the door.

"Sorry." I get up to let Adso back in. He hates to be locked in a room.

"Oh hello." Her voice becomes all childish and higher than normal. Normally I find it annoying, but right now I don't.

I roll my eyes as I see Adso lay his head in her lap. He loves attention.

"You're cute." She continues to talk to him. "I've always wanted a dog."

"You've never had a dog?" I sit back down.

She doesn't look at me. Apparently Adso is more interesting. "Nah, we never had enough room. And plus it's expensive to raise a dog."

I don't answer. I just watch her play with him. I see her casually glance at her watch. She looks surprised.

"Oh no, it's getting late."

"It's five in the afternoon. Are you late for an early bird dinner?"

She laughs. "No, I meant I'm late for this study session. You know, finals and all."

"Yeah. I do. I haven't even started grading those papers yet."

She starts to get up. "Well, I need to get going." She appears nervous out of the blue. "So I guess I'll just see you around?"

I look down first. Then back up to answer. "Yeah, I guess so."

She heads for the door but turns back around. "We; I mean, everything's okay, right?"

"Yeah." I nod.

"Good." She has a broad smile on her face. "So, see ya."

I'm amused that she's so nervous. "Yup."

"Um, I don't know how this works into us 'playing it cool' or anything, but I don't even have your number."

"Oh, right. Here." I rip off part the corner of the envelope that had my Visa bill and scribbled down my number.

She laughs at me. "Very resourceful." She slips the scrap of paper into the front jean pocket.

My eyes follow. "Um, that was my cell phone. That's the best way to reach me anyways." I run my hand through my hair. I'm feeling a bit nervous too. Wonder why?

"Any more corners to rip off? You know, for my number?"

I glance down. Actually, there's not. I'd taken down a message this morning. "Just…" I hand her the pen. And I stick out my hand, "write it here."

"What happens if you wash your hands? I don't want you loosing this." She playfully flirts. I could practically see her batting her eyes.

I smirk. "Well, then." I roll up my sleeve. "Just for safekeeping."

"Okay." Her handwriting is loopy. Kind of like a child's. It's very fitting. She finishes and I examine her handiwork on my forearm.

She backs up. "I'll see you."

"Tomorrow." I nod.

"Right tomorrow. Class. Can't believe that the vacation went by so fast."

I smile. "I had fun over the weekend." I don't add 'up until that fight of ours' but I'm sure it's implied into the statement.

"Yeah, me too." She adds a blush to her smile. "Okay, bye." She surprises me by reaching up and laying her hand on my shoulder as she stretches to give me a kiss on the cheek. Chaste but sweet.

The door closes softly behind her.

---

Today was long. Exhausting and long. I'm counting the days until the last day of finals. And not just because of Rory, but also because this semester has been so damn long. Teaching and taking my own classes at the same time has certainly taken its toll on my brain. I've barely had a time to sleep, let alone get out and have some sort of life. I'll be really glad when I get that month long vacation.

I shoulder my bag and walk the first flight of stairs up to my apartment. Smiling softly I think about how Rory had left earlier. God, she was cute. After we made up that is. She can have a temper under that shy exterior. I liked it; thought it was even more endearing.

I'm just at about the top of the landing while I think that I'll order out from that Japanese place a couple of blocks away. I like that they deliver. There's no way I want to barrel through the snow and wind tonight. Mental note: pay electric bill. But transfer money first; heating bill was through the roof last month.

Right turn. Home at the end on the left. Reaching into my pocket I finger my house key and turn it around in my jeans to be ready to unlock the apartment. I can practically taste my take out and feel the warmth of the heater and my duvet cover on me. Cannot wait.

Looking up I see someone huddled against my door. I squint and I notice that it's her. She has her head down and her forehead is resting on her drawn up knees. Arms are hugging around herself and I briefly wonder how cold she must be sitting there in the drafty hallway.

Getting close enough to whisper, "hey." I don't want to scare her.

Slowly she lifts her head up and I can see that her face is streaked with dry tears. They've dried out and they mark their pathway down her face. Fresh tears gather in the corner of her insanely large saucer eyes and I squat down. "Jess?"

I don't even want to bother with lame excuses. "Come 'ere." I don't need to hear her embarrassed remarks about showing up at my apartment like this. I just want to get her into my house and warmed up. I've become so soft. The phrase 'blame it on the girl' floats in the back of my mind.

She's holding her arms out like a kid and I hug her. Very awkward position because we're now both crouched down. I slowly stand up and I take her with me in doing so. She's holding on tight. I stand here in the hall for a second. Slowly, very slowly, I pull out my key that I had ready just a couple of moments ago and unlock it.

No questions asked. Not yet.

With her still in my arms crying into my shoulder, I walk us both through the threshold. And I use my foot to kick the door close with a small swish.

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