Lux et Veritas

Chapter 8: Sentiment

Author: Knowhere

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me.

AN: Okay, here it is chapter 8. I must say that it came out faster than I thought. I hit a bit of a roadblock right after I had posted the last chapter and I wasn't quite sure of the direction I wanted this chapter to take. But fortunately I overcame it and wrote the bulk in just a couple days. So, enjoy.

Summary: Very AU. A more relaxed college freshman Rory meets a more confident adult Jess for the first time. Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors for the both of them. Literati.

I get as far as the couch and I sit down with her still buried in my arms.

"Rory?"

I hear a sniffle and I assume that's a reply.

"Hey, you." I speak gently as if talking to a spooked horse. I can't see her face because she's still buried somewhere between my shoulders and my chest. I'm starting to get nervous. She hasn't acknowledged me since she held out her arms and I hugged her out in the hall. She had barely noticed me then.

I shift the both of us on the couch and she's landed in my lap. I pull her legs over mine and duck down to try to get a glimpse of her face. "Rory, Rory? Please say something. Please tell me that you're okay." God what a stupid question. Oh course she's not okay. "I mean, physically. Are you hurt? Do we need to go to the emergency room?" Please tell me she's not hurt. I couldn't handle it. I wouldn't even know where to begin. Why hasn't she said anything? "Rory, please just answer me." I tuck the hair out of her tearstained face. I look expectantly at her.

She shakes her head. I have my answer. But her face is blank. Her eyes are a clear blue that looks glassy due to the tears. But her eyes and face is puffy and she hasn't blinked since she's looked up at me. She shivers and I watch her wrap her arms around herself.

I get up but she's clinging to my hand. Fingers intertwined. Utterly intimate and yet there's no heat. A heat that should radiate from her to me and then back again. Something to show the physical reaction of being close. But there is none. Nothing but the fear as she looks dead in my eyes asking me silently where I'm going.

I bend down half way and lean in. "I'm going to get you a sweatshirt. I'll be right back." I assumed that she would let go with my assurance, but she doesn't. Instead she stands up and comes with me.

The tinkering of nails on wood signals that Adso has also followed. Not uttering a sound he climbs up on the bed and curls up on his normal side of the bed. He doesn't even pay attention to us.

I start to talk in order to break the silence. I try to lighten the mood; to get her mind off of whatever is plaguing her every movement. "So, this is my room. Sorry about the mess."

She doesn't respond. She just looks around, eyeing some of the clothes that I've thrown over a chair. I watch her eyes run over my bed, my dresser, and my nightstand. No reaction.

I grab a dark grey zip-up hoodie off the hanger and hand it to her. She silently takes it from my hands and slips it on. She looks utterly small in my sweatshirt. Lost among the excess space. So lost.

I step forward and gently reach out for her body. I hug her. Simple. Sweet. She sighs into my right shoulder and her arms come around my torso. And she clings. Tight.

I respond my holding her tighter as well. My left hand comes up to smooth down her hair and the right one stays sturdy at her waist, circling around. "Jess?" She's whispering, but it booms in my ear. This is the first she's spoken since we've come inside.

"Yes?"

"I'm tired. Can I lay down for a while?" Her voice is hoarse.

"Sure." I break away from our hug and turn towards the bed to pull the covers back a bit. Just enough for her to slip in.

She straightens the pillow a bit and I find it suddenly odd. She's seemed to snap back into reality and yet she doesn't seem to have come back fully. Watching her smooth out the wrinkles in my pillowcase would have put a smirk on my face under normal conditions.

She climbs into my bed like a kid. Hands and knees. Only difference is that she hasn't let go of my hand. She doesn't bother to look embarrassed or even glance back at me as she tugs on my hand. She's fully in now and she turns on her side and she ultimately drags me into bed with her. Still with my hand in hers she uses my arm to cover her exposed side and I scoot closer to her to get comfortable.

And that is how my day ends. I've climbed into bed without dinner, without a shower, and without answers. I'm just lying in my bed at five o'clock in the afternoon with my dog on the edge of the bed and a girl sandwiched between us.

She's broken. And I don't know how to fix it.

---

It's dark. I have no idea how long I've been sleeping, but my internal clock tells me it's not morning yet. My arms are still tight around her and I gently lean up on my elbow to look at her. Surprisingly enough she's wide-awake and my eyes have accustomed to the dark to notice that she has sensed my movement and is tracking me with her eyes.

I offer her a small smile. "I thought you would be asleep."

"Nope."

"How long have you just been lying here?"

She shrugs as best she can with half my body draped on top of her. "Dunno. Hours maybe."

I tilt my head. "Hours?" I can't help but ask.

"I just felt…" She breaks off. "It just felt nice." Her eyes dart around. "You know, thinking. In the dark. With you next to me."

I try to gently prod the issue. "Thinking about what?"

She sighs. And rolls away. She's no longer touching me.

I'm suddenly afraid that I've pushed too much too soon. But she just rolls on her side to face me. I lay back down to look at her fully. We're so close, but not touching. I try again, "thinking about…" I leave it for her to fill in the blank.

"My dad."

I suddenly realize that I hadn't seen her father at Thanksgiving. I must have been so nervous that I didn't notice it was just her mom and Luke. "Your dad?"

"Yeah." She takes her index finger and draws random shapes into my bedspread. "He was never around. Wasn't ready to be a father when I was born. I don't think he was even at the hospital when I was born."

What else can I do but listen?

"He tried once or twice when I was growing up to connect with me. Never really worked out."

I reach out and take her hand that was drawing and enclose it into mine. She laces our fingers together. I give her hand a small squeeze for her to continue.

"He always said that he was trying to get his act together and that one day he would make it up to me. All those birthdays and holidays without him there. I thought that one day he would come back because it wasn't about me. It wasn't my fault that he couldn't stay. He convinced me; and I also convinced myself that if I waited long enough, patiently enough, then he would come back for us. And the three of us would be a real family."

Tears have begun to fall. I brush them off her face with my thumb.

She continued. "And then a couple of months ago he calls to tell me he was living with his girlfriend. And that she was pregnant. With his baby. And that they were getting married." She laughs without any humor. "He called me to invite me to the wedding. Damn wedding. Told me that his girlfriend wanted me to be her maid of honor. Bitch."

I finally move to pull her close to me. She snuggles into my body and she slips a leg in between mine.

"He broke his promise. He wasn't going to ever come back to us. To me. It really was because of me. I was a mistake that he made when he was a kid and now he was going to erase me and start fresh. He lied to me. And I believed his lie. I even lied to myself all those years."

I break my silence. "I thought you liked Luke. I mean, he is dating your mom and you didn't seem to mind."

She pulls back and looks guilty. "No, don't get me wrong, I love Luke. I love him more than I love my father. I mean, Luke is my dad is so many more ways than my real father can ever be to me. But…"

"But what?"

"But, since all of this…it really means that my dad didn't want me. He didn't want to be my father."

"Rory, that's not true."

She lies back down. "I know it sounds irrational. I mean, I don't think I would be as happy with my father as I am with Luke, but he chose another family. He chose someone else. He wanted to be someone else's father and not mine. He didn't even think about his promise to me. He didn't even ask or try to see how I would feel about all of this." She mumbles the last part.

I bite my lip. Nothing I can say will make her feel better. So I stay silent. And I do the only think I can. I listen and hold her. I wish I could tell her I understand. But I don't. My parents aren't the Cleavers but I've never felt that they didn't want me. No matter how much my Mom bugs me or however long Dad used to leave on his business trips, I never felt that somewhere down deep in their hearts that they didn't love me or that they didn't want me because they felt I was a mistake.

She interrupts my reverie. "My dad's an asshole."

"I'm sorry."

Suddenly she breaks out into a sob. Fresh tears stream down her face and she clutches my shirt tight in her fists. "My dad's an asshole who's in the hospital."

"Rory?" I'm getting a glimpse of her pain but I'm still in confusion.

She doesn't bother to wipe away her tears. "Bastard hit a patch of ice while driving and got himself wrapped around a telephone pole."

"Have you seen him?"

"No." She closes her eyes. "Mom called to tell me." She comes closer to me. Tucks her head into my shoulder. She breathes out.

Minutes have passed and I think she's fallen asleep. I kiss her shoulder.

"Jess?" Her voice comes out in a whisper.

"Yes?"

"My dad is in the hospital in a coma." She sighs.

I feel tears soaking my shirt.

"I never got to tell him that I'm angry for leaving me, but that it's okay because I'm happy with my family now. After all these years. I'm finally okay with the fact that he won't be the father I always dreamed he would be to me. I never got to tell him that I'm okay with it because I've found someone else to take his place. I've found someone to tell me that I'm not a mistake and that I'm loved for me. I've found that in Luke and I never got the chance to tell my dad that I still love him because he will always be my father, but the dad in my life would be someone else."

She's finally told me the root of her misery. And I was surprised to hear her say the last couple of sentences with a clear and calm voice. I try to stay positive for her sake. "You can still tell him."

This time she really doesn't answer me. I don't know whether or not she really heard me, but from the sound of her breathing, I know that she's finally fallen asleep.

---

I roll over and find the bed warm. Empty but warm. I can tell it has only been recently vacated. Taking a peek out of my window I see the soft sunlight filtering in through the slightly frosty chill of a late winter's morning. Standing up I stretch my arms and shake out my legs to find that I've been sleeping in my jeans and shirt from yesterday. Both have become incredibly wrinkled and I quickly strip off both to pull on a pair of striped pajama pants lying on the back of my chair and a plain grey tee shirt.

Opening my door the small creak is responsible for Adso lifting up his head to look at me. He tilts his head and I walk over and offer him a scratch behind his left ear.

I see her perched on my kitchen counter, sitting crossed legged next to my coffee maker which has come to life and is percolating coffee into the glass pot. She has my latest copy of Rolling Stone and Blender in her lap and she also looks up at me. She smiles and I relax seeing that she has calmed down a bit.

I'm approaching the counter and I stand right in front of her spot on my counter. "Morning." I lean in and kiss her on the cheek.

"Hi." She looks a lot better than yesterday. Her eyes aren't dull; they're brighter than they were, and although they aren't as bright as I've seen them before, it's definitely a step up.

I brace my weight on my palms as I lean in between her bent knees. "You feeling better?"

She looks down. "Yes, thank you." She leans forward towards me and rests her forehead on my sternum.

"Good." I put my chin on her head. "You had me worried." She smells like an odd combination of citrus, dryer sheets, and my crisp cologne.

"Sorry." She's pulling back, but she's still apparently speaking to my chest.

I tilt up her chin with my finger. "Hey." I duck down to get a better look at her. "It's alright. I just didn't quite know what to do."

She smiles and I can tell it's genuine. "Thanks a lot for last night. I just needed to be with…" She trails off and looks down at my magazines, embarrassed.

I'm flattered and I lean in for a proper kiss on her lips. For what I intended to be a short and sweet kiss to thank her for her proclamation, turns out to be more passionate than I had expected. I move my hands to find her waist and her crossed legs now are dangling off the side of the counter to make more room for me to move closer. I feel her feet curling around the backs of my knees. She hasn't quite wrapped her legs around my waist, but I ironically find it more endearing. I suddenly notice that she's kissing my neck and her hands are moving down to the hem of my tee shirt. Quicker than I expected she's pulled off my shirt and her hands are all over me. I pull back and I think I've surprised her by the sudden disconnection.

"Hey, hey. What's going on?"

She looks confused. "Um, we were kissing. And then you stopped and asked me what's going on."

I roll my eyes at her sarcasm. "I thought we agreed to take things easy."

"Well, yeah. But…" She looks to her side at the open magazine.

"But what?"

She closes her eyes and sighs. Loudly. "You know, I didn't think you would turn down sex. Especially with me throwing myself on you." She's annoyed.

I chuckle. "Under different circumstances, I wouldn't have stopped you if a meteor hit this building."

Even though she's annoyed, she does give me a small laugh. "Then what is it?"

"Baby, I don't want our first time together to be the after event to what was a horrible day for you. When it does happen, I think that both of us want it to be a stand-alone memory. The main event." I lean in to brush my lips behind her ear. "I hope you're not upset." I lower my voice. "I just care too much about you to give you pity sex." I smirk. "Well, at least not the first time. After that you can use me in anyway you want."

She actually laughs out loud and I'm relieved to hear her. "Thank you, I think." Her tone is soft. "You're right. It would have been nice but I think afterwards I would have regretted the fact that the main drive behind it all was because I was upset about my dad."

I breathe in deeply. "Alright. Now that we've got that settled. If you would please hand me my shirt." I reach out with an open hand.

She pulls back. "You won't even just make out with me? I agreed with the no sex, but…" She smiles impishly.

I kiss her but pull back before she has the opportunity to deepen it. "Rory Gilmore, the things you do to me."

"Hey." She's giving me a mock look of exasperation.

I raise my eyebrows. "If you keep kissing me and with my shirt already off, it won't be long until that sweater of mine that you're wearing will be gone as well. And when that happens, all rational thought will just fly out of my mind."

"I think I'm oddly flattered." She kisses my cheek. "And rejected at the same time. And yet, you're so charming that I'm not offended at all."

I shrug. "Well, what can I say? It's the Mariano charm."

"Pig." She swats my forearm. She bites her lip to contain a secret smile.

"What?" Something's going on.

"Did you call me 'Baby' a couple minutes ago?"

"Ugh." I bury my face in my hands. "No?"

"Was that a statement or a question?" Her tone is teasing.

"I don't know." I move my hands. "Sorry, it slipped out. Was it too much?"

She takes my hands in hers and pulls me close. "No. It just caught me off guard hearing something rather intimate when I mostly hear you refer to me by my first name or by 'Miss. Gilmore' in class."

I laugh. My focus on her is disrupted as the coffee maker beeps twice to signal that it's done. I reach behind her to grab the only two mugs I have in my apartment. I offhandedly think that I'm glad I picked up a pair of the dull black mugs instead of picking up a single like I had originally planned. I pour her a mug full and hand it to her.

She smiles widely at me. "Yum. Thank you."

"You want cream or sugar?"

She looks horrified and uses her free hand to cover the top of her mug. "Shush, it'll hear you. You can't damage his perfect appearance."

I pour myself a cup but add in a teaspoon of sugar and an inch of half and half. I shake my head. "You're insane."

"You like it." Her swinging legs gently kick me without any real force.

I give her a quick peck on the lips. "Yep. No denying it." I turn around to take in a survey of my refrigerator. I pop open a container of my Chinese leftovers from the other night. I smell it and it still seems all right. Pulling it out and popping it into the microwave, I busy myself by taking out two forks from the drawer. "Rory?"

"Yes?" Her tone is bright.

I almost don't want to continue. "What are you planning to do about your dad?"

"What do you mean?" Her voice is no longer chipper.

"I mean are you planning on going to visit him?" I turn back around. "Cause I think you should." I'm hoping she doesn't take my last statement as a command or condescending.

"I…" She's biting her lower lip, "…think you're right."

The microwave dings and I pull out the paper container and I take the couple steps back over to the counter she's sitting on. I hand her one of the forks and she digs in with me. "I think it'll be good for you." I take a bite. "And good for him as well."

Her mouth is full of day old sesame chicken. "Jess? I know you've already done a lot, but do you think—"

I cut her off and reply. "I would be more than happy to go with you."

"Thank you." She looks a little embarrassed. "I've been saying that a lot to you this morning."

"You're still welcome." I take a bite.

We eat for a couple minutes in silence. It's comforting and my mind wanders to a future thought that we might be doing this more often and under better emotional conditions.

"Alright." She hops off the counter. "I might as well take a shower if we're going to go see him." She's taking a couple of steps away from the kitchen. "Sorry, I didn't even ask. Is it okay?"

"Yeah, go ahead. Use whatever you want." I smirk.

She wanders off but not before tossing me a smile that made me wish that I hadn't agreed to take things slow just so I could follow her into the shower.

---

I hold out my hand. "You ready?"

"Yeah, just one more thing." She grabs my travel mug off the counter that she took the liberty to fill up with coffee for herself.

"How long do you think it'll take?" I'm not a fan of traffic.

"Dunno. I've never really made this trip." She looks sad and guilty for saying that. "Is that a problem?"

I roll my eyes. She can be cautious about the littlest things. "No, of course not. I was just wondering how many cds we'll need."

"Oh." She looks embarrassed and a peachy pink hue rises on her cheeks.

I bend down to kiss her while one foot is holding the door open. "You're cute, you know that?"

"No."

I think she's kidding but she looks serious. I raise my eyebrows in question. "You're not serious are you?"

She shrugs like it's no big deal. "My last boyfriend wasn't too big into sentiments like that."

"Well, this boyfriend won't be like that so get used to it." I kiss her briefly again.

She smiles widely. "Did you just call yourself my boyfriend?"

"Did it have a nice sound to it?" I smirk.

"Definitely."

"Well, if it sounds good then we shouldn't mess with a good thing."

She shakes her head twice. "Nope." She reaches up on her toes to kiss me.

"Come on." I hold out my hand for hers.

She locks our fingers and steps through the threshold. I pull out my key and lock the door behind us. Shouldering the backpack I brought full of books, cds, and papers for me to grade, I use my other arm to wrap around her waist.

She takes a deep breath. "Okay, let's go then."

An: Favorite part? Tell me. I love reading all of your last reviews and being able to respond to them as well. Looking forward to doing it all over again!