With a short burst from her whistle, their Phys Ed teacher signals the end of another rousing game of Kickball. Outfielders come in, leaving only the sweaty football players to their drills further down the field. Castiel hangs back as his team starts leaving so he can wait and walk along with one player in particular.

"Alfie.".

"Oh, hi," he smiles weakly, darting Castiel a sideways glance before seeming to focus on the group ahead of them dragging their feet back to the school.

Not wanting to waste time or prolong the awkwardness for either of them, he cuts right to what needs to be said. "Before when you asked about… well I already have someone." He wants to say it proudly but the fact that he can't say Dean's name makes it seem like only a half-truth.

"Yeah? That's- that's really great." Alfie's clearly disappointed but making an effort to sound happy for him.

"I didn't want you to think I was being rude. I really am very flattered, I assure you."

Alfie doesn't look at him when he asks, "So would you have said yes?"

Castiel opens his mouth, closes it then clears this throat. "Well it hardly matters now but I wouldn't have been opposed to it."

The other boy's smile starts to look a lot less forced and he supposes that's something though now he's the one slightly pink instead.

"Does he go here? Maybe you guys can both come to a meeting."

Castiel sighs before he can catch it. "I highly doubt that. He's not comfortable with other people knowing about us. Yet, that is."

Alfie rolls his eyes and looks suddenly disgusted which seems unnatural on his angelic face. "I know the type."

"No, he's not like that. He's just... this is very new to him." Seeing the unimpressed look he's getting, he rushes to add, "and of course I understand. It's a very scary moment, coming out. Even if it is as Bi. It takes a lot of courage and I can wait until he's ready."

Already shaking his head, Alfie scoffs, "Courage." He stares off at the jocks running in place, turning their direction at the short burst of a whistle every few seconds. "Just last week you were getting shoved around in the gym and I bet it's not the first time. That's brave, Castiel. That's courage. You being you, out and having to deal with that kind of- that kind of bullshit!"

Castiel's eyes widen at his empathetic little speech, pitched low and almost under his breath so as not to draw the attention of the straggling classmates a ways in front of them. Where did that come from?

He shakes his head again to himself. "Trust me, anyone who won't stand next to you is just going to hurt you."

"He's not like that..." Castiel repeats softly, troubled by the emotional outburst.

"If you say so," he says still craning his neck a little to watch the group of boys in jerseys.

Castiel tilts his head, wondering at his line of sight. "Wait, it wasn't… was it Michael?"

He could have swallowed his own tongue for accidentally letting that name just fall out of his mouth because if he was wrong he just implied Michael is gay and could possibly get the beating of his life if said party found out. But then Alfie's looking back too quickly, his already light skin going pale.

"No? No, just forget I said anything. Meeting on Tuesday okay? If you want to come…" He waves, sprinting ahead to catch up with the class.

Castiel looks back at the field and for a second is meeting eyes with Michael, a lone figure standing when all around him his teammates are on the ground, holding a pushup.

"Ashton! You on a vacation?! Get yer head together!"

At the coach's barking, he drops to the ground and Castiel doesn't look back.

"You're going to be late," he pants up at the roof while Dean's lips do something amazing to that spot on his neck that makes him squirm.

"S'okay, I'm already late," he murmurs, moving higher to nip his ear lobe.

Castiel's hand reaches up to cup the side of his face causing Dean to wince and jerk away a little. He realizes he pressed down too close to his still bruised cheek. "Sorry," Castiel breathes, quickly moving to run fingers through his hair instead. He can't really believe how easy it is now to touch him like this. Dean hums appreciatively, slowly relaxing back into kissing him then mouthing along his jaw.

Despite the dizzying tingles caused by the attention being paid to his neck, Castiel is distracted by the way Dean seems uncomfortable or maybe frustrated, shifting his hand along his elbow, arm, then settling back on the bench seat. Dean finds his mouth again but it's obvious he's still restless.

"What is it?" he finally asks with his eyes closed, never really stopping the kiss.

"Nothin'. Just, this is different from making out with a girl," Dean muses between catching his lips lazily.

Tipping his head up again, Castiel takes shallow breaths to maintain enough control in his voice so it doesn't shake. "Oh?"

"Mm," the other boy kisses against the bend of his neck. "Dunno what to do with my hands," he murmurs, sliding one up Castiel's side slowly.

He could think of a few helpful suggestions but that was probably just because he was half-drunk on hormonal teen lust. Everything became a warm pink bubble of good feelings and bad behavior when they were kissing in Dean's car.

"W-well," he sighs, squeezing his eyes shut and tightening his death grip on the back of the seat when Dean bites down a little just right. Clearing his throat he picks up the thought again. "You could always just put them where you'd they'd usually be. With a um girl, I mean."

He didn't know what exactly he was asking for but they apparently still had another minute or two before Dean was leaving and he had to admit, he liked where this was going.

Dean's right hand curves cautiously up from his ribs and higher. He keeps kissing even though Castiel is only half paying attention with lips barely moving. A thumb rubs right around the area his nipple is, making him swallow shakily in surprise. What would that feel like without the barrier of his dress shirt? He hadn't even known that would feel good for him.

He feels Dean's other hand rest on his knee for a moment before beginning its own slow path upwards to his upper thigh. Higher. Sending terrifying, exciting little zings of pleasure. Oh god. He wouldn't- right? They were in his car, in broad daylight, in full view of any nosy neighbors that cared to walk by and peek in the slightly fogged up windows. But instead of dipping toward an area he would possibly seize up if touched, Dean's fingers sweep over his hip moving towards his butt. Castiel must flinch or something because he immediately takes back his hand and mumbles, "Sorry," against his lips.

After a second, he finds Dean's hand blindly and moves it back to where it was. Dean smiles into the kiss and curves down to squeeze his ass. It gives him an exciting jolt and he gasps into his mouth. It's nothing too close to anywhere he would die over but definitely amazing, adding to the overwhelming feeling of drowning in the boy holding him.

Hands rubbing down his back, sides and other more sensitive places were new and made him shiver with each pass of fingers. All at once he felt curious, scared and eager. The longer it goes on the more he feels his hips shifting a little, searching for something to rub against. God, any longer and he'd be humping Dean's leg.

He's already at an incline, dangerously close to being on his back in a boy's car. Dean's thigh brushes up against him in a very alarmingly perfect way when he shifts forward, making Castiel slam his eyes shut and gulp.

"Dean…" he gasps; eyes fluttering when those lips go right back to trailing down his neck. "My… um …my…"

What the hell was he trying to say again? It's hard to think when his body is all for pulling Dean down on top of him and winding his legs around his back for good measure. He does give in for a few seconds, clutching the back of Dean's AC/DC tshirt and tilting his head to give better access before remembering again. "My neighbors."

"Huh?" he mumbles against his throat, pulling him a little more underneath him and shifting so his knees bracketed Castiel's thighs. Lord help him. He moves his hand up to Dean's sweaty hair and tightens a fist to make him stop that amazing sucking thing he's doing at his neck.

"You heard me," Castiel pants, equal parts scared and excited to see what it would feel like if the Dean actually climbed completely on top. If he moved against him while they kissed instead of holding their bodies just far enough apart keep a sliver of decency.

Instead he groans, slowly pulling away like his limbs are made of molasses. "Damn this is killing me but at least I'll die with a smile on my face."

"I doubt it's fatal," Castiel says, blowing out a shaky breath to try and calm down. He pushes backwards with the heels of his hands until his back hits the door to separate them further. He needs space between them before he forgets why it was a bad idea to be making out in Dean's car on his street in broad daylight.

"I dunno, Man." Dean wipes down his face with his palm and smirks. "Feel like it." His eyes are half-glazed, hair sticking up and lips puffy. It's intoxicating. His own are probably the same. Why did he have to be responsible and stop it?

"Maybe we can have another driving lesson? Tomorrow? You don't work on Saturdays, I assume?" he asks, licking his own swollen lips. There, that was a legitimate excuse. It's not like he came out and invited Dean over to make out some more.

Smiling that lopsided slightly cocky grin, he leans forward to kiss him lightly again. "Nope, I'm all yours."

Castiel almost leaves it there with the promise of being together this weekend, excitement and anticipation bubbling inside him... but he has to ask. It's the proverbial fly in the ointment that keeps popping up and souring the giddy feeling of being with him.

"Dean..."

"Yeah?" he smiles, waiting.

"When are you going to tell your friends?"

Dean visibly blanches and leans completely back in his own seat. "What? Why?"

He frowns. "What do you mean why?"

"We're together, why do we have to… I'm just not.- I'm not big into the whole PDA thing okay?" Dean's scratching the back of his neck, not really looking at him.

Sitting up a little straighter, he asks, "When you were with Lisa, you didn't kiss her in front of your friends? Hold hands?"

"Well yeah but that was..."

Castiel narrows his eyes. "Please tell me you're not about to say that was different."

Dean worries his lip and looks at the ceiling for answers. "I kiss you at school."

"You kiss me when no one's around."

A sigh.

"So are you not planning on telling them?"

Dean shrugs. After a second of seeing it's just pissing him off, he amends, "I will."

"When?"

"What, you want a friggin date now? Damn, dude, just... I will okay? Christ."

Castiel stares at him a long moment before lifting his chin. "Maybe we shouldn't have that driving lesson."

"Seriously? Cmon, Cas… Cas!"

He gets out, managing to close the door without slamming it, which he is very proud of, and strides down the sidewalk toward the house.

Pacing a tight circuit in his empty bedroom, in his empty house, Castiel feels the onslaught coming. All those negative thoughts that were just waiting to invade and fill in the blanks for him.

Was Dean ashamed of him? Of himself? Why wouldn't he just… some of his friends already knew, or suspected at least. Pamela? Maybe. Probably Benny and thereby Andrea. Maybe Jo by the way she'd been eyeing them. Why did Dean want to keep it a secret?

He thinks of his case under his bed several times but keeps seeing that damn book on his bedside table. The one he knows has a stupid piece of paper folded in it. When the thought hits him that what he has with Dean right now is basically the same thing that Michael wanted, it's enough to have him reaching for it and ripping down the zipper, scrambling for the first thing his fingers touch.

It's a safety pin, bent between his fingers, that makes a single long scratch down his arm. He gasps trying to give into that roaring ball of anger and hurt but he darts a guilty look at that damn book again. He wasn't even trying for Dean but then Dean wasn't trying for him either. Again he makes a quicker scratch then reaches out blindly for the book and throws it across the room.

Dean was ashamed of him. Dean was ashamed of him. Dean was ashamed of him.

Gritting his teeth, Castiel shoves his pathetic kit to the bottom of the bed and curls into a ball. When he opens his eyes, he sees the paper sitting a few feet on the floor next to the bed. He leans down, picks it up- just to see Dean's handwriting. Slanted and messy. It's pathetic he wants to feel close to him in this small way. He's pathetic but not enough to call Dean at least.

He looks at them, thinking of Dean making this for him. He cares about him. Right? What was so wrong with him that he couldn't admit to wanting to hold is hand?

Or didn't he? Maybe he just wanted to make out in secret until Castiel was willing to do more.

He looks at the list through bleary eyes before shoving it away. After a second where everything churns and rolls in his stomach, feeling like there's no way to get it out, Castiel turns into the pillow and yells. Screams. Over and over until he can't breathe, lungs burning and he turns his head to the side panting. After sucking deep pulls of air, he doesn't feel all that much better but he is too exhausted to mess with the bent safety pin he tosses in his small trashcan.

Over-dramatic. Why does he always do this? He angrily flips open his phone and thumbs out a text to Charlie in mere seconds. He wasn't doing this anymore.

"Dean's an idiot."

He sighs glumly, holding the palms of his hands against his eyes. "Yes, but a really cute idiot."

Charlie slides down to wedge a spot for herself in the beanbag and encircle him with her arms. He doesn't even put up a fight, just leans over into her willingly.

After telling a PG version of everything that had happened since the party, she handed him an industrial bag of starburst jellybeans and they turned on Downtown Abbey. She reasoned that the Dowager Countess putting people down old school style was just what he needed.

After a long while of pretending to watch it, he notices Charlie chuckling quietly to herself then sigh at the ceiling.

"You are smiling," he informs her.

Leaning forward to freeze the show, she hops up and starts waving both her hands wildly at him. "Well, yeah! I can't believe you've been having this like secret love affair with the boy I've been trying to engineer you together for forever and it took you this long to-"

"If by engineer you mean you kept winking with increasing exaggeration while ditching me with him then yes you're a world class match maker."

"Hey, next I was going to invite you both over with Dory and try some cliché Spin the Bottle action."

He raises his eyebrow, mildly annoyed for a moment. "What if you had to kiss Dean?"

"Oh gross, he's like a brother, Cas." He still frowns. "I'd have nuked the game and tried Truth or Dare."

"So far it seems your matchmaking skills are limited to slumber party games."

"It works in the movies."

He sighs. "I'm probably over-reacting, aren't I? Maybe-maybe he really would have… eventually… " He trails off, considering. "Or perhaps we could go on as we were. It's only at school after all."

Charlie chews on her lip like she's thinking over how to answer. "I think for some people that works. Just hanging out on the down low but I don't really think you're one of them." Charlie snorts. "Heck, I'm not even one of those people. If Dory only wanted to kiss me when no one was looking I'd kick her to the curb faster than the sorting hat named Draco a Slytherin."

He doesn't even bother to tell her he doesn't get her reference because she will only start harping on the fact that he has yet to watch the Harry Potter movies yet.

After what he assumes is too long of not responding, Charlie takes both his shoulders and makes him face her. "Either he's going to be able to do this or he isn't."

Biting his thumbnail, his voice is small when he asks, "What if he isn't?"

Charlie gives him a sad little smile. "Then as much as it completely sucks to say it, he isn't worth it."

He huffs unhappily and moves to face forward again but she pinches the tip of his chin, forcing him look up. "Because Cas, my grumpy, adorably clueless best friend, you're worth it."

He halfheartedly rolls his eyes though a smile flirts with his mouth. For something to say, he murmurs, "Just please don't bombard him with your well-meaning wrath."

"Me?" She gives herself a halo above her head by circling fingers. "I'll be an angel."

"I'd rather you act as if nothing happened."

"I know nothing." She pantomimes zipping her mouth closed.

"Good." He nods.

Getting up to unfreeze the laptop on Maggie Smith's stern judgmental face, she starts talking out of the side of her mouth. "Nothing at all about the lame-brain stooopid way Dean's-"

"Charlie!"

"Pushing play!"

After spending most of the weekend with his best friend, he felt worlds better than when he'd left the house Friday. He'd even smiled once or twice but Sunday dinner felt too quiet in comparison to Charlie's bustling presence. Not to mention he'd eaten two slices of pizza before he left and can only manage to push his food around to make it seem like he's eaten. At least his mom doesn't go through as much trouble when his Uncle isn't here and he's only wasting meatloaf. His mother's voice breaks through his worrying about not getting a text from Dean all weekend.

"Did you have fun at Charlie's?" She's smiling at him in a weird way.

"Yes?" He frowns a little cautiously. They hadn't really seen each other much the last several days, her usually coming in late dead tired, him out the door the next morning before she was awake, and he hoped this wouldn't turn into a recounting of his week. He wasn't up for small talk or trying to remember points of interest right now.

She clears her throat. "That's great but not too much fun, I assume."

He frowns, not understanding what she could possibly mean. "We watched Downtown Abbey, so as much fun as you would imagine. A moderate amount if you need an estimate."

"Well now you're just being sarcastic." She shakes her head disapprovingly but grins at her forkful of ham. "There's no need to be defensive."

Squinting at her, he says, "I'm not hungry, Mom. May I be excused?"

"Of course, Dear," she says still grinning softly as if his retreat was somehow endearing. He gets up putting his plate in the sink and hears, "oh you're on your own for dinner tomorrow. I'm working the night shift again this week."

Ten minutes later, Castiel is spitting toothpaste out into the sink and wiping the mouth with a dishtowel when he gets caught staring at himself in the bathroom mirror. At one small spot in particular that is more noticeable now with his shirt off. He hadn't seen it until now because generally he tends to avoid mirrors but there it is. Faded but brazenly there. About the size of a thumb print. A hickey. His first ever. Eyebrows furrowing lightly, he rubs it with a fingertip, a little in awe. It's like one of his self-inflicted spots but not. A different kind of mark. He likes it. Why does he have to like it? He presses at it gently. It doesn't feel any different than the rest of the pale surrounding skin, except now he's remembering exactly how wonderful it felt to have Dean's lips kissing and teeth nipping there. And his scruff - scratchy and amazing – rubbing just under his chin and how it made him shiver a little.

His eyes fall to his inner arm to those two long scratches he'd made before he caught himself and stopped. Then back to his neck in the mirror.

His phone dings and he's almost scared to look at it. Mechanically he reaches down opens his msgs because if he doesn't now he'll just obsess and worry over it half the night until he gives in anyway.

i'm sorry

He frowns at the phone with pressed lips, then sighs. Rubbing the spot one last time, he turns off the bathroom light so he'll stop staring at it.

Monday Dean shows up at his locker as if nothing happened.

"Hey, Red. Cas." Dean's usual lopsided smile is too strained to look natural, just a shadow of his normal one. Neither of them answer and it seems to kill the remaining façade of a smile.

Castiel pretends to mess with a book in his locker to avoid looking at him more than he had to. Hiking his book bag higher up on his shoulder, he tries, "What uh what are you guys up to?"

Charlie's eyebrows go to her hairline but she just busies herself with her phone suddenly. "Not much."

It's wrong to feel perversely happy that Charlie is being a little cold on his behalf but he can't help being touched.

"Yeah? Uh, Cas?" Dean asks to try and force him to pay attention to him.

Castiel finally flicks his eyes from his open locker and holds his gaze. "Yes?"

"How are you?" Dean repeats, trying a cautious flirty smile.

His voice is his most flat when he answers. "Fantastic, Dean. Thank you for asking."

Dean chews on his bottom lip, darting a look at Charlie. He turns his shoulder a little and lowers his voice to ask, "Really? Cause, I know you were pissed at me on Friday, but-"

"I have to get to class."

Quickly shutting his locker, he walks away, Charlie trailing behind him without missing a beat.

Dean doesn't stop him.

He decided last night he wouldn't back down on this. He wouldn't cave and allow Dean more time like every part of him was reasoning and prodding him to do. Or rather he amended mentally that Dean could take all the time he needed but he wouldn't continue to sneak around with him while he did. Unless Dean showed him he was ready to really be with him then he would have to be resolute and force himself not to go begging back like he might pathetically kind of want to.

"So uh.. What's up with you and Dean?"

"What?" Castiel whips his head around in his seat to see Benny smirking at him. Oh, it's this again. He'd been throwing out little hints for the last few days but this was the more direct than his previous attempts. And if he had nothing to tell him before he definitely doesn't have an answer now. Mr Crowley is writing a question on the board that seems to have no ending so, feigning ignorance, he whispers back, "How do you mean?"

"How ya think I mean?"

"I couldn't guess."

Benny frowns, narrowing suspicious eyes at him. "You sure you don't know what I'm talking about?"

He's quiet, hating this entire day so far. Finally Benny shrugs and holds up a hand in defeat. "Alright, no worries, Brother. Just wonderin', S'all."

Waiting to make sure the coast was clear, Andrea leans over the isle next to her boyfriend waggling her finger at him. "Oh, leave him alone. Ignore him, Cas."

Benny smiles wide and leans the rest of the way over to kiss her cheek. "Just trying to bum the answer for number 5 from Cas here."

"Uh huh."

"Are we having a little party and you neglected my invitation?" Mr. Crowley chimes in from the head of the class.

They all jerk back to attention but Benny still has to take a turn suffering up at the board before he's dismissed back to his seat with disdain.

What was going on with him and Dean? It's a depressing reminder that he had no idea.

After first period he has to stop back by his locker to grab the English book he needed but had been too preoccupied with Dean to grab earlier. While he's still spinning his lock, Alfie appears out of the traffic of hustling students and greets him with a smile and a wave.

"Hi, Castiel. How's it going?"

He barely contains the growl when he misses the last number once again for the third time and has to start over. "Hello. Fine."

"Okay…"

"What?" He asks impatiently, whacking his lock in frustration .

"You don't sound fine."

Gritting his teeth he slowly repeats the locker combination, swearing if it doesn't open this time he might start kicking. "And how does 'fine' sound?" He knows he's being purposely obtuse but he can't seem to help it.

"Well not like that."

When it once again refuses to pop open, he starts tugging angrily even though he knows it's useless and Alfie pushes him away.

"Here, what is it?"

"32, 2, 15," Castiel barks, glaring at it.

Concentrating a moment, Alfie's whole face lights up when he easily tugs it open and hands the lock over. "See? Just have to have a little-"

Castiel swipes his lock out of his hand and sullenly tosses his Trig book in.

"Patience," he finishes lowering his hand.

Pulling out his English book, Castiel shuts his locker and turns to face the chiding look he's getting. Exhaling deeply through his nose, he searches for a calm he doesn't possess right now. "I apologize. I didn't have a very pleasant weekend."

Nor a particularly wonderful Monday either, because he was waiting for some impossible gesture from Dean. But every time he'd lost his temper and stormed off, admittedly a little over-dramatically, Dean had let him. He was beginning to doubt he was enough of a prize for Dean to take such a big step. He suspected he was going to lose the first relationship that never really started and it just sucked.

Alfie smiles at the genuine answer. "No problem. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help."

Castiel raises an eyebrow but it appears to be offered at face value without any underlining meaning. He really seemed to be just that nice.

Begrudgingly giving a small answering smile, he says, "I appreciate that."

They walk together for a few feet in companionable silence until Alfie elbows him. "Oh, by the way, that guy's been staring at you pretty hard. Is he.. um.. him?"

Castiel frowns, briefly finding Dean a little distance away leaning against another locker with folded arms. His chest tightens for a moment. The urge to go over to him and do something ridiculous like apologize is almost too hard to ignore. And that makes him furious, because he shouldn't feel like he has to apologize for wanting what everyone else has. As if to echo his thoughts, two goth kids walk down the hall between the space separating them hand in hand, the girls black clothes mingling with the boys they're so close.

"No," he says matter of factly, after possibly too long. "That's just a friend of Charlie's." He doesn't really mean it but it felt vindictively good to say just then.

He walks right past Dean without so much as another glance.

The self-righteous anger burns up sometime during analyzing a particularly boring passage of the Iliad in second period and by lunch he just feels miserable again. Alfie's words the other day about someone who wouldn't stand beside you ring in his ears.

When they're released for lunch, he goes to sit outside his next class in the hall not even bothering to go down to the courtyard. Food sounds about as appealing as the Trig homework waiting for him and the stress of whatever awkwardness being near Dean would bring keeps him away. Here, the halls are empty and quiet because everyone's either at lunch or in their 4th period. It's just what he wanted.

He texts Charlie that he's skipping lunch and pulls out The Iliad, trying to focus on the next chapter he needs to review. Seven or eight pages in, a foot nudges his and Castiel clenches his jaw when he feels him sit down beside him in the hall. Too damn close.

"Hey."

Without looking up from his book he says, "Hello, Dean."

"So you hiding from me?"

Castiel's eyes don't flicker from his page.

"Got an earful from Red earlier," he says conversationally. "Girl can cuss like a sailor when she's fired up."

Damnit. "I didn't tell her to talk to you, if that's what you're thinking."

"Wasn't, but then you're not talking to me so you got no idea what I'm thinkin'."

The silence in the empty hall stretches. Dean picks at his cuticles for second out of his peripheral before saying, "Missed ya this weekend."

He doesn't want to admit the same but it's nice to hear. "It was a whole two days, I'm sure you managed."

"Yeah well maybe I'm addicted to you now."

Castiel bites on his cheek to keep from looking at him.

"So gotta work tonight but after that, I'm off for a few days."

"Congratulations."

"Thanks." He rolls his eyes. "I was kinda hoping we could hang out. You could come over and button mash on xbox or I don't know, whatever you want."

"I notice you didn't say the skatepark." Could he not even be seen there with him anymore?

Dean stiffens up a little next to him. "Yeah well that's done for a while."

"Why?" he asks before he can stop himself.

"Kinda hard to skate without a board," Dean mutters, then waves that away after a second as if he got off topic. "Don't matter. Look, important thing is I wanna see you."

"Important for me or for you because I'm perfectly happy reading my book."

Castiel grips said book tighter in an effort to keep his face passive. He wanted to give in. They could be kissing within a few short hours but that wouldn't fix anything. He wanted to be able to hold his hand when other people were around. He wanted other the girls to stop smiling at Dean and flirting like he didn't have someone. Was that so much to ask?

"Come on, what are we doing here? Didn't you miss me... even a little bit?" Dean trails a finger up his inner arm making him shiver minutely.

"If I did, I wouldn't tell you," he stubbornly says, helplessly tracking that finger with his eyes over the top of his book. Dean rubs his fingertips slowly in a circle at the crook of his elbow.

"Yeah you're a hard ass like that. C'mon, let me drive you home. We'll talk about it..."

"Um.." He watches Dean move closer as if he's a helpless spectator until they're breathing each other's air and his eyes are drifting shut but it's when his other hand comes up to cup Castiel's neck that he jolts back to himself. "N- No!" He pushes him away and scoots a foot further to the right.

Dean drops his hands in his own lap with a thump. "Dammit Cas."

"There's nothing to talk about. Either you want to be with me or you don't. I'm tired of hiding."

"Who's hidin'? Like you said some of my friends probably know. Charlie damn sure knows. Let 'em think what they want. What do you want, a press conference? Why do I have to be all out in the open about it?"

Castiel exhales harshly through his nose. "Because you can't hold my hand when someone's looking. Because if I had different genitalia, you could kiss me before class. That's hiding, Dean."

"Genitalia?" Dean scoffs at his wording.

He lifts his book again and pretends to read but is just staring at the same couple of words so hard he might burn a hole through the pages.

Dean tips his head back to rest on the lockers behind them and blows out a frustrated breath. Apparently they were at some kind of stalemate and Castiel wishes he would just go so he could stop feeling that nauseous tension roll in his stomach.

After a long while when it's obvious he doesn't have an answer, Dean asks another question seemingly out of nowhere. "So, who was that kid you were talking to?"

He has to think for a second then snorts to himself. Seriously, Dean.

"Alfie."

"Pfft, seriously?" After a hard look from him, Dean holds up his hands and tries to sober. "No, no. Cute name. Right so uh, what'd Alfie want?"

"To talk to me," he says knowing exactly what he was asking but damned if he'd make it easy.

"Yeah I got that Cas. Why?"

Raising his eyebrows subtly, Castiel says to his book, "Does he need a reason? Maybe he enjoys my company and doesn't mind being seen in public with me."

Dean grabs the book out of his hand. "Stop, okay? You made your friggin' point."

"Have I?"

They both look up at the sound of a door opening far off but it's in the other hallway and soon it's silent again. Lowering his voice, Dean continues.

"Look you just don't get it, okay? What's it's like for me. My dad and- and I'm not used to being all touchy feely and stuff. Not with dudes. Doesn't mean I'm not totally into this, I just-"

Castiel snorts, getting to his feet because he doesn't want to sit here and listen to this anymore. He should listen and try to understand but he's not feeling that kind at the moment. Dean frowns up at him then gets to his feet too.

"Why are you acting like such a freakin' girl all the sudden?"

Castiel snags his book out of Dean's hand, clenching his jaw. "If I was a girl this wouldn't be an issue, would it?"

Huffing impatiently, Dean steps forward to catch him in a kiss, pressing him against the locker. His whole body tightening, Castiel lets him, enjoying it for a handful of seconds, even bunching his hand in his tshirt to clutch him close. Just as Dean makes a happy noise and leans more fully against him, Castiel forcefully shoves him away.

"You should be more careful, Dean," he pants. "Someone will see you being touchy feely." Remembering he once said something similar to his ex-crush, Castiel moves close at the last minute to growl, "You know, what you want... is pretty much what Michael wanted."

Dean's mouth falls open. "What?" He genuinely seems shocked. "That is not goddamn fair. It's- it's nothing like that."

"You said I deserve more than to be treated like a dirty secret." He gives Dean a level look, letting that sink in. The day he'd said that they'd been sitting in the Impala with Castiel crying, scratched up and Dean had been so angry on his behalf. "Apparently not."

He turns away without seeing Dean's face. His eyes sting and he wants to get far away. But of course the bells rings and signals he has to return to class. By the time he circles back, Dean's thankfully gone.

How had things gone so wrong from one day to the next? Dean had liked him, actually liked him, despite his issues, and he'd ruined it. He'd been greedy. Maybe he should have given him more time. Why couldn't he just be happy with what it was? Why couldn't Dean give more? Yes, it was a lot to ask but… why was it too much to ask? He should have listened. Too late. Could they still be friends? Would he be able to watch Dean move on to one of those girls from lunch? The one with the purple hair that pushes him when he tries to balance on his skateboard? Jo? Pamela?

Every time his mind strays to Dean and darker thoughts, Castiel pinches just above his wrist. It distracts him out of spirally too far down into his own head. He finds he doesn't have that desperate panic that usually has him reaching for the first sharp edge, instead it's a hurt that leaves him aching and cold. But the pinching helps. Just until he can get home and be alone. Then he fully plans to give into being miserable. And if he plans to wrap himself in a certain green flannel and listen to a Led Zepplin rock ballad on repeat, then Dean need never know.

Unexpectedly, Charlie comes and finds him after school at his locker. "Hey, you coming over, Novak?"

"Pardon?" He didn't remember talking about coming over today.

"Come on, I'm in serious need of my B.G.F.F. Halloween's coming up and I only have weeks to choose whether to go as Amy Pond or Leia. Red hair, sure I can totally pull off Amy but is that reason enough? Should I stick to the classics? Or should I just nix the cosplay route and be a kickass Mage?"

"B.G.F.F.?" Castiel asks though it's only one of several things he wants to ask after this seeming stream of consciousness.

"Best Gay Friend Forever. Now please can you focus? I have mere weeks to make this very important decision. I mean, there'll probably be some party to get all spiffy for and it makes a real statement which fandom you represent."

Her rambling is somewhat soothing, familiar, and he gets swept up walking along with her until he pauses abruptly.

"Wait. Have you talked to Dean since lunch?"

"What?" Her voice squeaks in that tell-tale way when she's lying.

He squints at her until she breathily admits all at once, "Okay, he said you might need company. Crap on a cracker, I suck at being sneaky."

Presumptuous. Like they needed to babysit him. Like he couldn't be trusted after talking to Dean.

Squeezing his eyes shut and blowing out a breath, he agrees without a fight. "Sure." If he went home he would be miserable and probably work himself up so fine. He'd be weak and go to Charlie's instead of being weak in another way. "And while I'm there you can tell me verbatim what you told him earlier."

Charlie looks away guiltily. "And what makes you think I talked to him about you?"

"Yelled more like. He mentioned you were not unlike a sailor."

She laughs, linking their arms and pulling him along. "Maybe Sailor Moon."

Dean calls 5 times that evening. On the last call, he leaves a voicemail from what he assumes is work since there's a persistent beep and a zipping drill in the background.

"C'mon Cas, Pick up and let me talk to you. Please?"

Beep. Drill. Beep.

"Well I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow. I wanna- look, what you said... Christ I hate talking to your fucking mailbox."

Drill. Beep, Drill.

"Shit."

Beep.

"Just…yeah, I'll talk to you tomorrow then."

The next morning, Castiel doesn't wait at his locker. He slept like crap and the comfort he'd taken from hugging the flannel to him at night had turned to sadness by the time he woke up with it. He's doesn't particularly want to see anyone. Not Alfie, not Charlie, definitely not Dean, so he walks on to Trig and stands outside waiting for to open the door.

Dean shows up just as everyone starts trudging inside. He grabs his arm to keep him from following and lowers his voice. "Cas. I need to talk-"

"You may find this surprisingly but I don't want to talk to you, Dean."

He walks away, having to clench his fist very hard not to look back.

At lunch, he doesn't want a chance to be around Dean alone. He'd found him last time after all and he wasn't up for a repeat of yesterday with an emotionally draining talk ending with a brief angry kiss. Lack of sleep and headache were making his head feel foggy as it was. He just wanted to get through today as quick as possible so he could go home and sleep. He asks Charlie if she wants to go talk to Benny and Andrea. Surprised, she goes along as they leave the sanctuary of their bench and tree to cross the courtyard to the group he usually pretends doesn't exist.

Dean's off to the side, sitting by himself with hunched shoulders and elbows resting on his knees. He'd been over here and hadn't even attempted to come over. Maybe he's not trying anymore. Well that's what Castiel wanted so good. Great. If only he could ignore the awful stabbing behind his sternum. Dean glances up at them for a second but doesn't come over, instead apparently ignoring them to continue his brooding.

"Hi, Cas and Charlie," Andrea waves from down where she's sitting on Benny's knee. She laughs suddenly and smacks Benny in a way that suggests he tickled her or something out of view.

"Hello." He nods to them both as Charlie takes a seat with her bag of chips on a stone slab to his left.

Benny moves the arm wrapped around his girlfriend's lower back to flick a finger in Dean's direction. "What'd you do to my buddy over there? Been sulkin' on his own all day."

"I don't know. Why don't you ask him," he answers flatly, sneaking a peek. The sun is doing its job of making Dean look gorgeous just to spite him. His hair appears golden and if he were closer, he would be treated to a view of all those freckles but he's not going to get closer.

"Yep, tried that. He bit my head off."

Somehow it made him feel a little better to know this was getting to him just as much.

Charlie cups her mouth and yells, "Dean! Stop being so grumpy!"

He doesn't look up.

Frowning at her, Castiel begrudgingly says, "Don't do that. Just leave him alone."

"Hey don't knock my methods, he's coming over."

"What?" His heart kicks up a notch seeing Dean leave his perch to stomp their way. He looks… angry. Great. Whatever he says, Castiel determines not to leave the safety of the group. He didn't want to fight anymore about this. It was cowardly but he'd rather avoid the part where Dean tells him he can't do what he's asking.

Dean jerks to a stop abruptly when he gets to their little semi-circle almost directly across from him, and just shifts his weight from foot to foot for a second as if he ran out of steam. Not really making eye contact with anyone but staring somewhere in the area of Castiel's shoes, as if it held the answer to the universe. Benny looks between them with raised eyebrows and he can only shrug weakly. He wasn't really sure either.

"Uh, hey there, Skater boy?" Charlie forehead wrinkles. "What's up?"

He holds up a finger. "Gimme a sec," he says gruffly while pacing a little in place like he's amping up for something.

Ash calls out from a few feet away. "Yo man, Dean! I've been lookin for ya all -"

"Shh," Charlie stage whispers. "I think Dean's about to do a magic trick or something nifty and he needs complete concentration."

Ash folds his arms and nods. "Cool."

But Dean just shifts in place for a few more seconds frowning at the ground again, cracking his thumbs down by his sides. What is he doing?

Finally he can't stand it. Castiel caves, asking a soft, "Dean?"

As if that was all he needed, Dean raises his eyes. Blowing out one last heavy breath, he crosses over right into his personal space and completely catches him off guard when he dips his head forward for a quick kiss. It lasts only a couple of seconds; more than a peck, far less than they'd done. Then Dean is pulling back with wide slightly panicked eyes.

Castiel stares back with an almost equally shocked expression.

Dean licks his lips looking bright pink maybe a little queasy before smiling warily and flicking his eyes to the people around them. Clearing his throat, he starts off with a hoarse, "Whats up Red? Andrea, Benny… Hey Ash, dude. Uh, what's going on?"

Several people in their group must have noticed the display and stopped talking to gape. One lone girl makes a wooo noise of approval. Castiel is just as stunned but the dawning realization of what Dean just did is starting to sink in and with it every wounded, aching part inside him evaporates in an instant.

It's still too quiet until Charlie's face splits into a huge grin and she snickers. "So, Casanova, do we all get a greeting kiss now?" Dean's ears go red at the tips like he's noticed they sometimes do.

"Nah those are uh reserved for Cas."

Basking a moment more in the happy glow bursting somewhere behind his ribs, Castiel finds his voice to help him finally. "Yes, I would object." They were really doing this. Dean was really doing this.

Charlie scrunches her face in mock annoyance. "Dude," she whines and punches him lightly on the arm. "You don't share your sweets either. Cas gets all the perks."

Author's Note: Firstly, I'm not condoning Cas pushing Dean to come out like he did in general. That's a very personal decision and he doesn't know what Dean's dealing with home-life wise. For many it's not safe and please don't misunderstand my viewpoint on it. I am saying, Cas wouldn't have been able to be with him in secret and he had a right to say he wouldn't see him that way.

Also I'm thinking of doing a one time Dean chapter next, just a quick catch up on his side of the story so far to fill in some blanks and that way you get the benefit of the Dean/Michael fight some people were asking for and get to see kind of where his heads at lately. And Dean's always my wheel house so I enjoy writing from his POV most.