Lux et Veritas

by knowhere

Literati. Rory, a college freshman, meets a confident adult Jess for the first time. What happens when the circumstances are changed? AU

14. Premise

Lux et Veritas

Chapter 14: Premise

Author: Knowhere

Rating: R

Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me.

AN: This is an evolution. Just like in real life, there isn't always going to be drama. Not every couple has fights all the time, and certainly not when the chapters follow each other in a relatively short period of time. And when the story seems…drab, or even to the point of tedious…life can be like that. One of the characteristics of Lux is that it's very real. Up to the point where people are boring and life just swirls around them instead of engulfing them whole.

Please remember to review when you're done. A lot of work goes into this story, and the small favor of a review really does make my day. Thanks.

And Hallon…thanks.

Summary: Literati. Rory, a college freshman, meets a confident adult Jess for the first time. What happens when they discover each other? Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors. AU.

---

"Jess?" He reaches for my hand and gives me a firm shake. "Nice to meet you. I'm Ben."

"Thanks for meeting with me."

"No problem." He gestures to the free chair across the table and I slide out the chair. "Pleasure's all mine." Looking around, he politely flags a waiter over. "Coffee okay for you Jess?"

"Yeah." I shrug off my jacket and drape it across my chair.

"Two coffees please." Hands clasped in front of him, he looks friendly. "So, why the publishing business?"

"To be honest, I didn't really know what I had wanted to do until recently. But this just seemed…right." I trail off thinking I must sound like an idiot.

He smiles. "I didn't know what I wanted to do until two years after I graduated. As long as we're being honest, I haven't hired anyone on my staff that wasn't there from the beginning when I had the idea for my company. And I have my doubts letting someone else into my inner circle."

"So why meet me?"

"You came highly recommended from Jimmy and my father trusts him."

"Your father?" My eyebrows shoot up.

"Yeah, Greg is my father. But he's also a large investor in Dog-Eared. So if my dad trusts Jimmy enough to do business with him, then I figured I can trust Jimmy's opinion as well."

"Alright."

"Jess, why should I hire you to work for me?"

Surprised, I think quickly. "I know books. I know them from classics to contemporary and I have the instincts to know what makes a good book. What makes one sell versus collect dust on the shelves, but I also know that not all great books sell and I still believe in them."

He smirks. "Good. I desperately need a scout for new authors. New York is crawling with them, but I don't have the resources to scour them all. The guys I work with are great business minds; I wouldn't have been able to get the company off the ground without them. But truthfully, they react to books with a pretty cover." Chuckling, "I'll make you a deal. I'll give you a month and you give me some authors. A trial run for the both of us. Represent Dog-Eared and look for fresh names. Because we're unknown, people don't send us manuscripts and we just have to do things this way until we do get known. We can set you up with a place to stay for the month and we'll just go from there."

I'm in shock. I had assumed this meeting would just teach me some practical knowledge about the publishing business, not an offer for a job. The opportunity is wonderful. I can't let something like this pass, especially knowing the difficulties that every college graduate faces when trying to enter the work force. I need to prove that I can stand on my own two feet without the constant aid of Dad's money. Even if that is what got me this meeting. "When will I start?"

"As soon as you graduate I would like for you to come and get a lay of the land."

"Okay."

"Great." He takes a sip of coffee. Moments pass and I just play with a packet of sugar. "Tell me about yourself Jess."

"Um, what do you want to know?"

"Whatever. Just tell me something. You'll find that working for me is really laid back. The guys and I loaf around more than I should admit. But we still get things done at the end of the day. They're my friends and sometimes it's like we're still in college. I'd like to know more about you if you're going to be spending time with us."

I chuckle. "I've just turned twenty-four. Spent more time at Yale than I should have, but I'm not complaining. I waffled around and there's no one else to blame. I have an apartment and a dog in New Haven, close to school."

"Girlfriend?"

I should be put off by that question, but oddly enough I'm not. This guy has a disarming personality. He can ask personal questions and tell you something personal without it seeming too soon or too much. I could like this guy. "Yeah."

"And…?" He gestures for me to continue. He's teasing me but in a friendly manner.

This meeting feels less like a business transaction and more like a personal lunch. "Her name's Rory. She goes to Yale as well."

"She about to graduate soon too?"

Shaking my head, I bite the inside of my cheek. "No. Not for a while."

"She procrastinates as well?"

"Not her. She's just a bit younger."

Nodding and reading my expression, he leans back on his chair with a smirk that I note looks a lot like mine. "That seems like a good story for another day."

I look away with a hidden smile.

---

Leaving the restaurant, I shove my hands into my pockets. I had chosen to walk given that the café was just a couple of blocks away from my apartment and it hasn't been that cold lately. Breathing in deeply, I smile at the opportunity that has just been offered to me. How exciting. In the stillness of the moment with just the sounds of my footsteps and heartbeat, I can let the full impact of what had just passed absorb into me. I've just been given the chance for a job fresh out of college working in a publishing house. Sure, it's not a big name company, but I'm also not graduating Yale only to go to the workforce where I'll have to get some guy his morning coffee. I'm not the guy who will get lunches, or do Starbucks runs, or file away papers hoping that one-day I can move up the corporate ladder. And plus, I never imagined myself putting on a suit everyday and punching in a timecard. With Ben, there's independence in sight. He's running his own business and still he's a hands-on guy. He knows what he wants and trusts me enough to go and find new authors for him. What an opportunity. I can make a difference. I can go and discover the next Hemmingway who's only a starving writer, working as a waiter in the day but scribbling away at a notebook by night. The fame doesn't motivate me; it's knowing that I've done something worthwhile for the literature community that will survive long after I die. It's something to say that I've contributed to the writing world.

But damn, it's in New York. That's a couple hours away from New Haven. This has never been my permanent home and I don't have any qualms about leaving here, but I'd have to leave Rory. I love New York, especially the city. I always wanted to live there when I grew up; watching city life from upstate just isn't the same as experiencing it for myself. How different it must be to leave the apartment in the middle of the night for Chinese takeout, or even just to walk around a city that doesn't sleep. Think about the all the things that I can encounter. New sights; new sounds; new smells. The real feel of New York City. The adventurer in me jumps at the thought and I can feel the anticipation building in the pit of my stomach.

But to leave Rory…how can I? After almost twenty-four years and never really having been in a really serious relationship, I don't know if I can just walk away from it. From her; from us. All that we've invested. Everything I've put myself through. Everything that I've promised her. Does a couple hundred miles change the fact that I love her? Will distance damper my feelings? Have I just been in this relationship because it was forbidden? Because it was convenient? In the course of discovering the city, will I discover someone else and ruin any chance I have with Rory? I might not have been committed in the past, but now that I am, I don't feel like I can run out on her. It's not who I am. I gave a promise and I don't like being the guy who bolts. Even though I have a tendency to run when there are problems. If I can't see the problem and it's not in front of me, then it doesn't exist. Just because I do that sometimes, doesn't make me proud of that fact. Gut reactions are just what they are. Defense mechanisms. Nothing more, nothing less. But I've relatively gotten over that with her. I like, no, I love being with her. And I don't want to disappoint her. I don't want to disappoint myself.

But what am I talking about? Plenty of people do long distance relationships. Contrary to what's been said to me in the past, people make relationships work even long distance ones if both people want it to work. You don't change your feelings just because you can't see the other person every day. People make relationships work because they choose to, damn it, not because they're forced to. Choice. And it's not like I'm on the other side of the country. I'm just a couple hours away. I can always make the trip to New Haven on the weekends. And she can always come see me. But not being able to see her pop by my apartment anymore? Am I willing to risk that? That spontaneity is something that I love. I like seeing her come by whenever she wants. Hell, she comes by when she has a half hour before class just to have a cup of coffee with me. She won't be sleeping in my bed every night. Not that she does that now, but she does spend at least a couple nights with me. Now that I've slept with her, can I just know what that feels like and still sleep alone at night? By myself? And just wait for the weekends where I can just spend a night or two with her? And what about her? Can she do it? I've seen other guys look at her when we're out. She might be naïve and blind to it sometimes but what would stop a guy from approaching her when her boyfriend is hours away? Hours away and only connected with a phone. Can I still be confident in the relationship and not be jealous? And her? Will I give her cause to be jealous as well? With all of my best efforts, can I be utterly faithful when I know she won't be there? What about when the nights are long and the city is bursting with opportunities for the eyes to stray?

Is it horrible for me to want to put my dreams and ambition before our relationship? Is it so bad for me to want this? Can I have both or is that asking too much? But I'm getting ahead of myself. If this whole thing doesn't work out, then I don't even have to consider moving to New York. Don't jump the gun.

---

"So, how did it go?" She questions behind me.

Concentrating on the lock of my front door, I reply. "It was good." Turning back as I release the lock, I smile in her direction.

"Yeah?" She has a broad smile on her face. "He offered you the internship?"

I don't correct her and say that it's actually a job and not an internship. "He offered me a trial run with him to see how it would work." I let her step into the apartment before me.

"That's great Jess." She launches herself into me for a hug.

Laughing, "Thanks. If it works, I'm pretty excited about it."

"You should be." Her face brightens. "Oh, we should celebrate!" Jumping up and down in my living room, her eyes are extremely wide. "Let's go out for dinner. Or coffee. Go shower and we'll leave." She's ushering me towards my room, but stops. "No, wait. Call your mom and dad first. No, let's eat first. Wait; shower first." She's rambling on.

I laugh despite knowing the fact that I have yet to drop the bomb on her. She has no idea how far I will actually be. "How about I just change my shirt and we'll go out for dinner?"

"Great. Good idea." Pushing me again, "Go, shoo. Go and change."

I drag my feet as I approach the closet and I stare at the choices for a long moment. Just what am I going to tell her? 'Sorry Rory, but I've decided to move to New York'. But that's not true right? I haven't even been officially hired, and I still need to test the waters to see if he'll still want me. That's right. Don't panic. There's nothing to be afraid about. I should be excited. I'm not leaving just yet.

"Jess?" I see her face poke around the corner and she stays at the entrance of the bedroom. She smiles softly. "I'm proud of you."

Forcing a smile, I pull a shirt off the hanger and sit back on my bed. The shirt is beginning to ball up in my fist. I'm making it wrinkled. Even though I know the future is not set in stone, and certainly that I'm not leaving for sure, I have the sudden urge to at least tell her the details. "Rory?"

"Yeah?" I hear her calling from the other room.

Still unmoving from my spot on the bed, I hang my head and call reluctantly, "Could you come in here, please?"

"Alright." She pops back in with a luminous smile gracing her features. "What's up?"

Her good mood doesn't lift my spirits. It just drops a sinking feeling into my stomach. "I think we need to talk."

"Okay." Sitting gently next to me her eyes search my face. "I know what you're going to say. I know it's your big day and all, but maybe we could try a new restaurant? Come on and be adventurous."

Despite the anxious feeling, I smile at her misunderstanding. "I don't think I was entirely clear about this whole thing with Dog-Eared Publishing."

"Why? What's going on?"

"Well, I had told you that Dad knew someone and that's how I got this interview."

She nods.

"Turns out this guy who owns Dog-Eared is his son. And he's willing to give me a trial run to see if I'll fit in and if it's worth it for him to hire me."

"Hire?" Her eyes widen. "Wow, that's great. I thought it was just an internship."

"Well, apparently this guy is pretty trusting in his father's opinion. That and Greg, his dad, is a large investor in the company. He's given me a month trial. If things work out, he'll offer me a full time job." I slowly end the sentence to gauge her reaction.

It's not what I expect.

She smiles. Broadly. "What's the problem then? Sounds wonderful."

Absentmindedly, I place my hand on her knee. "Ror," I speak softly, "The company is based in New York."

She's staring at me. Blinking several times as if she didn't hear me, she narrows her eyes. "New York City?"

"Yes."

"As in, not New Haven?"
"Yes."

"As in New York City? Sex and the City. The city that never sleeps. The Big Apple."

In any other case, I would mock her for those nicknames for New York, but under these circumstances, I just answer. "Yes."

Suddenly, she's springing back into the conversation. She's becoming more animated, and jerks her knee out of my reach. "What the hell? You're leaving to go to New York City?" She's gotten off the bed and onto her feet. "No. That can't happen. This isn't happening."

"No, not yet. I still have to finish the semester and graduate. I've already told him that I want to finish school first. And don't forget that if things don't work out after the trial period, he won't hire me at all."

She's not listening. "I just can't believe you're leaving. I mean, what am I supposed to say? You told me you wouldn't be leaving New Haven. You promised." She's almost on the borderline of a whine. "You can't leave. I refuse to let you do it."

Slightly amused, "You refuse?" Still calm, I try to reach out to her. "Rory, I never said that. In the library, I just said that I wasn't leaving yet. Not yet."

Not letting me touch her, she moves away from my grasp. "I don't care. You still said that you weren't leaving. You're breaking your promise."

I reiterate, "I never promised." Pause. "It's not even for certain. I'll go for the month and maybe things won't work out." If there's one thing I've learned about her since we've been together it's that she's stubborn. Once she has her mind set on something, she sticks to it.

"What if it does work out?" Her arms are flailing. "That means you'll leave New Haven, move to New York, get this fancy job. Leave. Get a new apartment, new friends, meet lots of new people. Be far away. Leave. And, and…" She takes a deep breath. "And, and…leave. You're just a big…leaver."

I can tell that she's really irrational now. "Rory, please calm down."

"No! I won't calm down. You're patronizing me. And stop using my name! My being calm is reserved for people staying here. My boyfriend just told me that he's decided to leave New Haven without even thinking twice. I mean…you practically jumped at the chance." Her arms are flailing with each punctuation of her points.

She's baiting me into a fight. And I resist. For now. "I didn't jump at the chance. But this is a good opportunity. Do you even realize how hard it is for newly graduated people to get a job in the field they want? Have you thought about it?"

"You can get a job anywhere."

"But this one is now. And it's really good. I can learn from a small company, and I'll basically be scouting new authors. How great is that?"

Arms crossed, she looks down at me from her height advantage due to the fact that she's standing and I'm not. "Great, great, great. That's all you think about, isn't it? Never mind that you're leaving." She's pushing me a little too far.

How can she not understand that this is a good opportunity for me? "Nothing is for certain yet. This is a possibility."

"But you want it to happen, don't you? You want to leave."

I stand up. "Yes, I want this to happen. It's a great career start. But I never, ever said I wanted to leave. If things were up to me, I would stay in New Haven and have this job. But I can't have both."

"So you're saying that the job is more important than me?"

"I didn't say that! I'm not choosing the job over you."

"Oh, really?" Her sarcastic tongue scalds. "I think you are. When someone leaves, it means that they've decided that something is more important. Worth more of their time."

"Rory, why can't you just be happy for me?"

"Happy? What the hell do I have to be happy about?"

"Uh, I don't know." My tone is unfriendly and biting. "Maybe you could be happy for your boyfriend that he's gotten this once in a lifetime opportunity?"

"My boyfriend? You mean the guy who can't wait to leave?"

"Could you stop saying that?" I shout. "I didn't say I wanted to leave. Why can't you hear that Rory? Are you listening?"

"Yeah, I'm listening alright."

I shake my head. "No, you're hearing what you want to hear. All you're listening to is that I might," I stress that word. "Might be leaving. Not will be leaving, but might be leaving. And you're not even considering the fact that this is a good thing for my life."

"How can you be only thinking about yourself?"

"Excuse me?" I'm incredulous. I can't believe she just said that.

"That's right. You're just thinking about how this is a good opportunity. You're not thinking about what this will do to us."

I roll my eyes. "I didn't say that even if I did get the job and moved to New York that I would break up with you. I didn't say that. I didn't even think it." I point at her. "And talk about being selfish. You're just thinking about yourself. And how hard it might be to have a long distance relationship. But people do it, Rory. They make things work. They just put more effort into it."

"Now who wants the best of both worlds? You think that you can have it all? Great job, new city, same girlfriend."

Under my breath, I mutter. "I won't want to keep the same girlfriend if you keep this up."

"What did you just say?"

"Nothing."

"Liar." With hands on hips, she mocks me. "But that's what you do best, right? Lie. Leave."

Who the hell does she think she is? "You know what, maybe leaving will be the best. Get away from here. I don't need this problem."

"Problem? That's what I am to you? A problem? What was I thinking getting involved with you?"

I'm practically shaking in anger. "I don't know. But obviously, we've both made a mistake."

"I'll say." She turns on her heels and I hear her crossing the apartment with quick, sharp steps and the loud banging of my front door.

Slumping down onto the floor, I rub my aching temples. Adso comes into the room inquiring after the noise of our fight, and I feel him nosing his way to my face. I drop my hand and stare at his eyes blankly. He whimpers and lays his head down on my lap. I sigh.

---

Hey, it's Rory. Leave me a message and I'll call you right back.

Liar. I snap my phone shut. Two and a half weeks and nothing. Not a word. No angry message. No tears. No nothing. Almost three weeks. I haven't been sleeping well during the night. My eyes are shadowed and I'm just so fucking tired. I haven't left my apartment for anything else other than class, walking Adso, and the occasional grocery run. Empty takeout containers litter my fridge and I'm surviving on just grease and coffee. I might as well just shoot it up my veins. Even Adso has stayed away from me these last couple of weeks. He comes to me for dinner and for his daily walk, but it seems like even he's upset with me. Damn dog, taking her side.

The phone is ringing. I grab it off the hook. "Yeah?"

"Jess?"

"Who is this?"

"Luke."

Aw, shit. "What can I do for you?"

"Start by explaining what the hell you did to Rory." His gruff voice invades my senses.

Rolling my eyes, "I don't really have the time for this right now, Luke. Maybe we can schedule our duel for a later time. I'll bring my pistol."

"Cut the bullshit, Jess. You're going to damn well explain why Rory's been over here for the last couple of weeks, looking like someone ran her over with a bus."

"Yeah well, she drove her own bus."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

I shout, not caring who's at the receiving end of it. "It means that she's the one who insisted that it was either one or the other. Not both. People can have both, you know? Both. It's known to happen once in a while."

"What?"

"Never mind." I hang up. Grabbing the bag of chips off the coffee table, I turn on the television.

The phone's ringing again. Mindlessly, I answer. "What?"

"Did you just hang up on me?" Luke again.

"Huh. I guess I did." I turn up the television. "I'm a bit busy right now, Luke. I need to leave."

"Shut up." He growls. "Did you just forget everything we talked about during Christmas?"

"Why don't you ask Rory what happened? Since you seem so intent on finding out. I'm sure she'll be happy to oblige and give you all the details about how I'm unfit as a boyfriend." Bitter, I continue. "And while you're doing that, you might as well ask her why she even bothers to be with me if she doesn't trust me."

"Jess." He sighs. "I just wanted to let you know that she's here. If you want to come by and talk to her…" Trailing off, he leaves it to my imagination.

No. She should be the one who comes to apologize. She was the one who kept insinuating that I wanted to leave and that everything is my fault. "Good to know."

"So…you coming?"

"No."

"Grow up Jess. Just come and apologize."

"When she calms down and realizes the reality of the situation, tell her I'll be here. She has my number and she knows where I live."

Gruffly, "Jess, be a man about it and just swallow your pride. Even if it is her fault, you should be the first to give in. That's how women are. Well, at least that's how the Gilmores are."

Irritated, "Are you giving me advice?"

"I'm just telling you something that would be good for you. Think about it, okay?"

"No." I hang up on him again, and this time he doesn't call back.

---

Checking the answering machine for messages, I push the flashing red button.

Hey Son. Just called to say 'hi.' I'll be in your area again next week. Maybe we can have lunch? Give me a call. Oh, and call your mother. She's been complaining all week about how she hasn't talked to you in a while. Bye Kiddo.

Beep.

Uh, hi Jess. My head whips around at the voice. I stare at the machine. It's me. Susan. I know this is out of the blue, but…I don't know. I guess I just felt like calling. I know it's been a while, and you probably don't want to talk to me but…I just wanted to talk to you. I'm visiting my parents, so I'm in town for a while. I'll just try you again later. Thanks. Okay, bye.

Beep.

Susan. God, I don't even want to think about her. Not only are things not going well with my current girlfriend, but I also get a phone call from my ex out of the blue? What the hell is going on?

---

Three weeks. Twenty-one days. Three damn weeks. I stare at the phone. I almost laugh through my black mood as Adso jogs over to the table and pick up the phone with his mouth. He drops it on the couch and barks. Shaking my head at him, "No, if anything, she should call me. She was the one who was picking the fight. And you should have heard the things she was accusing me of. You'd think you would stand on my side." He barks again. "People do long distance all the time, you know? It's not impossible."

Standing, I pick up my coat from the back of the couch and grab Adso's leash off its hook by the door. "Come on, let's go." I might not want to leave the apartment, but owning a dog makes it difficult to do so. He trots over to me, although I notice he's doesn't look too excited, just like me. Snapping the leash to his collar, I grab my keys and lock the door behind me.

The air is cold and crisp and we're just taking our time walking in the direction of the campus. It's our normal routine and I just let him lead. He's sniffing the ground as he walks and I yank on his leash to stop him from eating bits of food off the ground. "Hey, that's trash. I don't want you getting sick and I know I'll be stuck in the middle of the night cleaning it." We come up to a bench and I just sit down with Adso mirroring my actions. He sits at my feet and his head moves back and forth as he watches people walk around us.

A quiet voice breaks my silence. "Hey." She's rocking back on her heels.

Adso chirps a friendly bark. Looking up, I squint. "Hey."

She gestures to the bench. "Can I sit down?"

"Free country."

She's hesitating, but I scoot over and she gingerly takes a seat on the far end of the bench. "How have you been?" She doesn't look at me.

I rub my face. "Shitty. You?" I've also called you many times and you didn't pick up your damn phone.

Whipping her head around to look straight into my eyes, she laughs nervously at my response. "About the same." She's quiet and we're both just looking around the nearly empty campus. It's the middle of the day, but at this time, most people are usually either in class or out at lunch. I hear her fidget with her backpack and I watch out of the corner of my eye as she picks at the cuticles of her nails. She's biting her lip and I clench Adso's leash just so that I won't take her nervous hands into my own to soothe her. Still angry with her, I successfully fight the urge to touch her.

A beat passes. "I've been doing a lot of thinking and maybe there's a solution to all of this." Tucking her hair behind her ear, she glances sideways at me.

I look at her. "A solution?"

"Yeah. You have connections to the publishing business now. Maybe this guy knows someone who can offer you something here, locally."

"Are you trying to solve this like a math problem?" I make a face at her suggestion. "You just don't get it, do you Rory? I don't want someone else to offer me something," I throw her words back in her face, "I have an offer now. A job offer, not just an internship. And I'm going to do what I can to get it once I finish that test run with him after graduation."

"I'm trying to help you. Help us! Why are you so opposed to staying here?" She scowls with her hands on her hips. "So you're going to do all you can to leave?"

"Stop saying that! You're butchering my words. I never said I want to leave, but I'm not giving this up Rory. I didn't know what I wanted to do until recently. And out of the blue, I get this offer. What would you have me do? Huh? Just sit back and let it pass me by, just because you're afraid of a long distance relationship?"

"Do you know the statistics of a long distance relationship? Eight out of ten people polled say that their long distance relationship didn't work. That's 80 percent of all people. They don't work! People realize that it's too much to only see each other occasionally and have to rely on the phone just to talk. Think about it Jess, before you make such a sudden decision."

Not caring that we're outside, I match her volume, "Fuck the statistics! It's not sudden. I haven't even graduated yet and that trial with Ben doesn't even guarantee me the job. It's just a possibility. And even if I do get it, people make relationships work. Long distance or not. You make it work because you want it to work."

"No. People get lazy or others get in the way. Who says that someone else won't get into the picture?"

"God! What is the matter with you? I don't want anyone else." I roll my eyes. "Even if this is making me question wanting anyone at all, I've made it pretty clear that I want to be with you. Why can't you see that?"

"I see my boyfriend leaving!" The vein in her neck stands out. "I see you not trying to do anything about it. I see you and your tunnel vision and not even trying to stay here. You're leaving!"

I lean back on the bench and clench my fist around Adso's leash. Muttering, "Possibility. The possibility of leaving."

"It's the same thing!"

Suddenly standing, I tug on Adso. "Let's go." Coldly, I look down at her. "People find ways to work together. It's not either or. Don't force me to choose between you and this opportunity."

"It looks like you've already made that choice." She replies snidely.

I shake my head. "Let me know when you want to talk about this like an adult."

---

The door closes behind Adso and I unhook his leash for him to run around the apartment. Odd how he always seems to be more energized after a walk than before. Watching him jump on the couch and roll around to snuggle into the cushions brings a small smile to my face even if it is pained. What I had hoped to be reconciliation with Rory just turned into a continuation of our fight. Maybe it's for the best that I might be leaving. All of this just proves that maybe she's not ready for such an intense relationship. Hell, I'm probably not either. Running tired hands over my face, I can't believe what just happened with Rory on campus. She can be so infuriating sometimes. The answering machine is blinking and I reach over to hit the button.

Hey man, it's Mike. Call me when you have the time. We'll go out for a drink or something.

Beep.

Jess? It's me again…Susan. Listen, I just want to talk. Um, give me a call.

Beep.

I shake my head at hearing her voice again. The ringing of the phone brings me out of haunted memories and I pick it up without glancing at the caller id.

"Yeah?"

"Jess?" Shit. Shit. Shit.

"Susan."

"I…called you a while ago."

"Yeah."

"Did you get my messages?"

"Yup." I sit down on the couch and I look over as I see Adso jump up to place his head on my thigh.

"You're probably wondering why I called."

"You could be a detective with those skills." I bite back.

"Right." I hear her shuffling around. "Listen, I was in town and I was thinking about you. About us—"

I cut her off. "There is no us." I shake my head. "You made that very clear when you left."

"I didn't leave you Jess. Well, not purposely anyways. You know I needed to do it for my career."

I chuckle without laughter. "You needed to? No, I remember you telling me that you got an offer and suddenly I didn't fit into your life anymore."

"It wasn't like that, Jess."

"No, it was exactly like that. I wanted to make things work. You didn't. I wanted to try; you insisted it wouldn't work."

"Things aren't that easy! You don't just decide to make things work and magically they do. You can't just make up your mind like that and expect things to work."

This conversation is hitting way too close to home right now. Even if it weren't Susan, this conversation is reminding me too much of Rory. "Relationships work when people work at them! You choose and you do it. You work. Things don't just fall into place without work."

The conversation pauses and I calm down as well.

"Jess, I'm sorry for leaving like I did."

Sorry isn't enough. Not now. Not from you. "You still did." A beat passes. "What do you want Susan?"

"I want to talk…about you. About what you've been up to."

"I can't."

"I made a mistake Jess. Can't people make mistakes and be stronger from them?"

"No. Not this one."

She sighs. "Jess, can't we just talk about this? About us?"

"No."

"Jess—"

"Please don't call me anymore." Pulling the phone away from my ear, I push the off button. Adso picks up his head off my lap and sets his paws on my chest to glance up at me eye to eye. He whimpers and licks my face. I lean against the couch with a sigh and I just close my eyes for the moment.

She left me. One day out of the blue, it was 'goodbye Jess.' No reason except for the fact that she got a phone call and a job offer. I was still slowly making my way through grad school and I still wanted to make it work with her. I told her that we could still be together while she left New Haven. But she didn't want to try. She insisted that she needed her freedom. Susan is really my only other serious girlfriend besides Rory. And when she left, it hurt me more than I wanted to admit. I thought that I was falling in love for the first time. But I was wrong. And when Rory came along…there's a part of me that's glad that Susan left. Because if she hadn't, not only would it have prevented me from even thinking about pursuing another, but also Rory would have never ended up being the first girl I've ever said 'I love you' to.

And no matter how angry I am with her right now, I can't push aside that feeling of knowing how much it means to Rory that she is the first for me.

---

I pop off the cap on my fourth bottle of beer. Tilting my head back, I drain half. The television flickers in the background and music is playing on my stereo in the background. It's not blaring, but might as well be pounding in my head. I want to attribute it to the beer, but I know it's my emotions instead. I close my eyes. It's been another three days since I saw Rory. I just don't feel that I was wrong. I have every right to take this opportunity and make the most of it. And I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to be happy for me. Nor do I think it impossible to still be together, even if I need to move to New York. The door is buzzing. Is it the door, or my head?

No, it's the door. I stand up but trip on my way to the intercom. "Yeah?" My voice is hoarse. I hear nothing. "What?"

"Jess?" Her voice rings loudly. "It's me. Can I…can I come up?"

I can't speak. I just push the button for her. Opening the door, I stand out in the hallway. She's taking her time. Slowly, I see her coming up from the stairs and she stands about two feet from me.

I might be glad to see her, but I'm not over my hurt. "What do you want?"

She cowers at my statement. "I just…" Wringing her hands in front of her, she looks everywhere but at my face. "I came 'cause I just wanted to…" She adjusts the backpack that she's carrying. "I came…" Suddenly, her eyes focus and she's raising her voice, "You're leaving!" Her hands fly up.

My head rolls back. "God, not that again." I stalk back into the apartment without another glance. But I leave the door open.

I hear her follow me.

"I don't have the energy to go another round with you Rory."

"I didn't mean to say that."

"Well, you still said it."

Sitting down on a chair, she looks up at me. "I shouldn't have said it. I've been thinking. Thinking about what you said."

I join her on the table. "And?"

"I'm thinking that I might have overreacted."

"Might have?" I raise an eyebrow.

Relinquishing, "Okay. I did." She hangs her head. "I shouldn't have accused you of wanting to leave."

"No, you shouldn't have."

"But you have to understand where I'm coming from too, Jess. I wasn't all in the wrong." She says it accusingly. "How could you just accept it without talking to me?"

"Because it's not a sure thing. It's not set in stone."

"It still would have been a nice heads up to have known that this might be a possibility. The New York thing."

Conceding to her point, I sigh and sit down. With my elbows on the table I relax. "You're right, and I'm sorry for not telling you when I found out that it might be a possibility. But I didn't do that because it was just so abrupt. He was there and I was there, and all of a sudden he's offering me this…thing." I gesture with my hands.

Softly, "I guess you might be right. I would have been excited too if it were me."

"You understand that I'm not choosing to leave you, if that were the case? It's not because of you that I took this. I need this, Rory. I just can't let this slip by me."

"I get it." She looks up. "And I am happy for you. I know that might be way too late in coming, and it certainly doesn't sound enough after all that happened, but I am happy that you've found something."

For the first time in the period we've been apart, I smile. Really smile. "Thanks."

She bites her lower lip. "I'm sorry. I really am."

And that's all I need to hear. Sorry. It's all I need and it's more than enough to make me let go of my hurt.

I don't answer. I just lean over the table to kiss her unexpectedly. I meant for the kiss to be short and sweet, a prelude to something else, an apology, and a 'thank you' for understanding. But it's not. It's intense and consuming. Standing up, she grabs my shoulders tightly. Opening my mouth, I urge her closer by burying my hand in her hair. I've missed this feeling. She whimpers into our kiss and I run my tongue along the edge of her teeth. She bites at my lip to show me just how frustrated she's been with me, but soothes the pain with her tongue. Using my free hand I reach under her shirt, not caring that she still has on her jacket and sweater. Finding the cotton of her bra, I push the material aside to cup her bare breast in my hand, but then I tug at her nipple. She throws her head back but I refuse to release her from my kiss. I feel her frantically stroking my chest through the t-shirt I'm wearing, and her hands come down to the fly of my jeans. I worm my hand around her back to find the clasp of her bra. Unhooking it, I push it up over her breasts. Small hands are tying to pull my jeans down past my hips but they lodge at the backs of my knees.

I push her backwards to sit on my kitchen table and for the first time, I break the kiss. She looks back at me. Her eyes are dilated and mine must look the same to her. Never mind the fact that I've had those beers. My body is tingling. Every part. From the throbbing in my lower body to my fingers and toes. Everything is aware that she's here. All caught up in our moment, I pull at her clothes. Her jacket, her sweater, her tank top. Everything. And she's doing the same for me. She's running blunt nails down my bare chest and I practically growl at the feeling. I kick off my jeans and reach for the buttons of hers. Catching me off guard, she stands suddenly to discard her pants and underwear, but she's also walking me back towards the bedroom. She's kissing me again, but she's not being gentle. Not at all. Lips and tongue are working mine and she's biting through the kiss. I kick the door closed with my foot, trapping Adso out.

Framing her face between my hands, I lower my mouth to kiss her deeply. Applying pressure to her jaw, urging her to open her mouth again, I gently lick the front of her teeth before stroking her tongue with mine. She's sighing into me and her hands come to grip tightly at my hipbones. Backing her up against the wall, I vaguely hear the dull thump of her head against the plaster and one of my hands reaches down to her hips as I bend my knees to kiss her deeper. She's standing on her toes and I push against her, knowing that the wall will only let her push against me instead of letting her lean away. Pulling away from the kiss, I watch with darkening eyes as I run my hands down her sides, stopping at the outer swell of her breasts. Thumbs circle around tight nipples, and she sucks in a breath as I trace wet kisses along her collarbone. Her hands are tugging at my hair and she dips down to kiss the side of my neck. Pushing her against the wall again, I go back up to kiss her and she practically mewls against my mouth as my fore and middle finger find their way inside her. Bucking against my hand, she grabs at my shoulders and I push my lower body against her to increase her sensations. I can feel my body pulsing against her warm skin, and I pull out of our kiss to drop my head on her shoulder. I can't catch my breath.

"Jess…please." She cups one palm against my cheek and the other on my lower back. "Don't stop." Her pleading voice nearly hurdles me over the edge, and I continue the steady rhythm of my fingers once more. She's undulating in time with my hand and I watch the waves of her climax playing across her face. She nods, and whispers, "There. Yeah."

I'm surprised at hearing her breathy request. She doesn't speak up normally when we're at this point and I know that it's due to her manners. She might be a bit of a vixen beneath her bookish appearance, but she still has old-fashioned conduct that tells her that good girls don't talk during sex. It's taken me a lot of exploration and willing patience listening to only her moans as a guide to understanding what makes her writhe versus what pushes her to a plateau. Encouraged by her bravery, I comply with her demand. "Yeah?" My fingers slow down as I stoop down to catch her right breast in my mouth as well.

"Yeah." Surprising me again, she reaches down with her own hand to urge me to continue what I was doing before. I read her signals and she takes her hands away only to cling tightly to my shoulders.

I rest my head again on her shoulder, but continue my movements. "Come on, Rory."

She's clenching her thighs and the movement traps my hand between tight muscles. My fingers come to a standstill but my mouth is busy at her breast. Her cheeks are brightly flushed and she has her lower lip between her front teeth. Her chest is heaving against mine and I ease her off slowly by kissing between the shallow valley of her breasts. Her orgasm's lasting longer than usual and I continue to watch her as I remove my fingers. She's catching her breath again, and I brace my hands on the wall besides her head and I smirk down at her.

"Good?" Our relationship has past the need for flowery words when we're making love, and I've found out recently that words can turn her on just as much as touch.

Her lip is still caught between white teeth and she grins widely and reaches out for me. She nods. I give into her hug and she pulls me in to lean against her. Rubbing her face into my shoulder, she giggles. "That was insane."

I chuckle and continue to hold her close. "Huh."

She giggles again. "Yeah." Her fingertips are tracing lazy circles on my back and her other hand strokes the skin of my chest. A moan catches in the back of my throat as I feel her hands on my nipples.

I bend down and attach myself to the apex of her shoulder and neck.

"Jess…you're going to give me a hickey."

"Don't care."

She laughs, but I can imagine her rolling her eyes as well. "It's my neck. Not yours."

"Uh, huh." I continue to suck and nibble her skin.

"I have to go to class."

Detaching myself for a moment, I kiss her nose. "So wear a sweater." I go back to her neck.

"Jess…" Even though she's whining, I know it's not serious.

I switch to the other side just to placate her fears about a hickey. "God, you taste good."

She whimpers. "Jess…"

I pull back and kiss the underside of her neck instead. "Yeah."

"Oh."

"Yeah?"

"I don't think I can stand up anymore."

Responding immediately, I grip her below her inner thighs and I bring her up against me. She's wrapping long legs around my waist, and I rock against her while pushing into her. Her face is above mine, and she ducks down to kiss me. My lips are beginning to feel sore and hers looks like they'll be swollen in the morning as well. I'm walking blindly towards the bed and I fall on top of her as we tumble. She giggles and breaks the hazy moment. I smirk down at her. Sinking my weight on her, I sit up to adjust her hips against mine. Her hand is inside my boxers and I thrust into her hand and my muscles strain as I feel her tightly grip me. Rolling over, I place her on top and I lean up to take her breast into my mouth. Hot and wet, her head is titled back with a loud moan. I lift my hips and I nod as she pulls off my boxers over my hips. Tossing it in the general direction of my dresser, she crawls back towards me on her hands and knees. I settle flat against the sheets to enjoy the view. She wrinkles her nose at me and I look directly up at her as her hair creates a curtain around our faces. Sliding my hands down from her shoulders to her backside, I leave my palms cupping her bottom. Smiling and sitting down on me, she bends her elbows to rest on my chest and I close my eyes feeling her against my lower body. Skin to skin. It's driving me crazy.

She's rocking on top of me and my hands clutch her hips to move with her. She's leaning over and I push against her to place her on her back again. Almost a month is way too long without her and I'm approaching my climax so much sooner than expected. Her mouth is working its way down my chest and over my shoulders and she pauses to suck at my neck. The vein throbs and I blindly reach into my drawer for a condom. Ripping the package, and rolling it onto myself quickly, I press against her thighs with my knee. Outstretched fingers find slick warmth and I make sure she's ready. Entering swiftly, I can't bite back my groan and she tenses. Feeling the resistance, I stop for a moment to let her adjust. Slowly and hesitantly, she moves against me and I squeeze my eyes shut feeling her exploration. I smile down at her and she relaxes. Watching her brace her hands against my headboard, I pull back slightly and gently push into her. Her eyes flutter shut and I watch her back arch up as I enter again. The bed's making a dull squeaking noise, and if I weren't so caught up in the moment, I'd laugh at the situation.

My hands are gripping tightly to her hips. Leaning down, I kiss my way from her neck to her breasts and she hums almost absentmindedly. I smile and use my fingers to brush some hair off her forehead. She nudges against my neck, cuddling into me. Muscles are clenching, and I thrust into her once more. Moving away from her hips, I clasp our hands together, and she's squeezing my fingers so tightly that I feel like they'll be bruised. Holding onto her hands, I bring them over her head, and I use her for leverage. Rippling my lower body on hers, I pull out just enough to hear her whimper below me. Pushing into her again, I take my time and stroke, long and hard. My body strains to reach my own orgasm and as I feel her twisting her hips, I feel it. It's here. Thrusting into her for a final time, I feel my climax surround us. Shuddering waves and jerky movements take over and I fall against her body, heavy and tired. Her arms circle my neck and my name dies down on her lips in a whisper. I lie down next to her on the bed and bring her into my chest.

"Hey." My voice cracks.

"Hi."

We're silent and I just listen to the ticking of the clock on my wall. Some of her flyaway hairs are sticking to her forehead, matted with sweat, and she props her chin up on my chest to look at me. Her expression is dreamy and I cradle her face in one hand as I close my eyes. "I've missed you."

"Me too." She moves and tucks her head under my chin. "I haven't been able to sleep."

Chuckling, "Me neither."

"Sorry I got so upset."

I shake my head. "Forget about it. It's done. Let's not talk about it anymore."

"So, we're done fighting?" She asks in her small voice.

Smiling softly at her, I nudge her nose with mine. "Yeah."

"Good."

---

"Bagels or waffles?" She asks me from the kitchen, looking through my fridge. "You have no food in this apartment." She's rifling through my drawers and cabinets, bouncing around in one of my shirts that covers her to the tops of her thighs.

I smirk, watching her leaning on the frame of the bedroom door. "Doesn't matter."

"Waffles, then." Taking two Egos from the box, she pops them into the toaster.

Adso picks up his head from the couch to glance at me as I walk past him. "Hey Buddy." He barks once and scampers away before I have the chance to pet him. I can read him like a book. He's upset that I locked him out of the room last night. Smirking at the predictability of my dog, I watch his tail turn the corner into the bedroom and I duck back to see him jump on the bed and worm his way under the covers for a nap. Shaking my head, I choose not to scold as I see him resting his head on my pillow. I guess I can let him get away with that for today.

"I'm having some trouble in my writing class. Do you think you could look over some of my notes for me? My outline is absolute crap."

Coming up behind her I wrap my arms around her waist, and drop a kiss on her head. "Sure." I like how we've suddenly returned back into our routine.

Turning around, she laces our fingers together and brings them up. "Morning." She tastes like mint and coffee.

"Hm. Hello." I kiss her again. Taking in her disheveled appearance, I'm amused. Her hair is a mess, my shirt that she's wearing is wrinkled from the day before, and it's way too small to cover her entirely. Dipping down, I whisper low into her ear. "You look like you've been properly fucked." I'm nowhere near polite when it's early in the morning.

"Jess!" She pulls back to give me a shocked look and she swats my chest in reproach.

Eyebrow raised, I question. "What?"

"That's horrible."

Delighted, I watch her prim manners redden her face. "You disagree?"

"Well…" Her mouth opens and closes like a fish.

"You think you weren't?" I tease. "Shall we go at it again?"

"No!"

I smirk. "No?" I lean against the counter casually. "You don't want to?"

"No." She ruffles her hair. "No, I didn't mean…no." She's stuttering.

"No?" I pretend as if I can't follow her insane line of thought. "So you don't want to have sex with me again?"

Her face is bright red and she wets her lips. "No, I mean…" She brings her hands up to her hips in frustration at being teased so much. "Jess!"

"What?"

Rubbing her face with her hands, she shakes her head. "Stop."

"Stop what?"

"Just stop!"

I laugh. "Stop what?"

"Jess!"

Relenting, I reach out to draw her into my body. "Oh alright. Just tell me you liked it and I'll stop." I still play with her, not ready to give up on how easily I can embarrass her.

She's shaking her head into my shoulder. "No."

"No, you didn't like it, or no, you won't tell me?"

"I won't tell you." Her reply is muffled.

I coax her. "Come on."

"No." She's so stubborn.

Again, I try. "Come on."

"You ego doesn't need to get any bigger."

"Okay." I laugh and let it drop. Holding her close against me, I sigh and rest my chin on her shoulder. "You have class this morning?"

"Nope. Not until later this afternoon. You?"

"Free day." I hug her properly. "Come over later?"

"Not if you have nothing in your fridge."

I laugh. "I'll go grocery shopping today."

She pulls out from our embrace. "I mean seriously Jess, what the heck is in some of these containers here? It looks like it was once beef or pork, mixed with some sort of pasta? Yuck." She tosses it into the garbage. "What have you been eating lately?"

Softly, "Not much." Leaning back against my counter, I cross my arms over my chest.

Her face scrunches up. "What have you been doing?"

Again, "Not much."

"Oh."

The waffles pop up and I grab two plates out of the cabinet. I spread on the butter, and she pours the syrup. I playfully bump her hips with mine and I tease a smile out of her. Taking the plates as she grabs two mugs of coffee, I glance over my shoulder to make sure she won't drop anything. Sitting down at the table she looks over at me. Out of the blue, she admits. "I liked it." Blushing, she bravely continues. "It was crazy and nothing like I've ever felt before."

Shrugging, I nonchalantly reply, as if hearing her say it doesn't make my heart clench. "Oh, I know."

Digging into her waffles, she sticks out her tongue at me. "Pig."

I wink in reply.

We eat in silence for several moments until our heads jerk at hearing Adso's nails tinkering on the wood flooring. I smile, seeing him happily trot over to the kitchen table. He plops himself down between our feet and wags his tail, hoping for a handout. I ignore his request and instead reach down to pet him.

She puts down her fork and picks up her mug of coffee. "I went to Stars Hollow."

Taking a bite, "Yeah, I know."

"How?"

"Luke called me one night."

"What did he say?"

"He just demanded to know what I had done to you."

With an eyebrow raised, she looks surprised. "What did you say?"

Sheepishly, "I hung up on him."

She giggles but then looks serious. "Jess?"

"Yeah?"

"If I promise not to freak out about it in the future, will you promise to tell me if anything else happens with this New York thing?"

I grip her hand across the table. "Sure."

She nods. "Okay. That sounds good."

Suddenly, everything hits me. The past with Susan reminds me about how hard it must be for Rory to feel that I might be leaving. Remembering old feelings makes me sympathetic towards Rory. I understand that crossroads. But the big difference here is that if I were to leave, I'm willing to do long distance. I'm willing to put in the work and effort to make things work with Rory. I'm willing. And that's the difference. It makes all the difference in the world. But still…almost a month without Rory gives me a glimpse at how hard it would be to live far away from her. Smiling sadly over my plate, I reach out to cup her cheek in my palm.

She pauses and smiles at my gesture.

"I've missed you."

"Me too." She leans over the table and kisses me sweetly. "But I'm here now. And you're here."

"Yeah." Even though I told her not to worry about our fight, it's still fresh in my memory. "Rory?"

"Yes?"

"You know I won't do anything to purposely hurt you, right?"

She looks over at me with wide eyes. "I don't like where this is going."

"No, no." Shaking my head, I take her hand and pull her up out of her seat. Urging her over to me, she sits down on my lap. "No, nothing like that. But you do know that, right?" I push my forehead into her shoulder.

"Yeah." Smoothing my hair off my face, she replies softly. "I know."

---

AN: Read? Please review.