Lux et Veritas

by knowhere

Literati. Rory, a college freshman, meets a confident adult Jess for the first time. What happens when the circumstances are changed? AU

15. Departure

Lux et Veritas

Chapter 15: Departure

Author: Knowhere

Rating: R

Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me.

AN: In addressing a review concerning the distance between New York City and New Haven: I know that the distance is an approximate two hours (according to Google maps and the like), but we're dealing with more emotional distance. Yes, the trip can be made with relative ease with the train or car, but it's the emotional adjustment Jess and Rory would have to make versus practicality.

Thanks.

It's been a while since the last chapter…maybe you'd want to read 14 again to refresh.

Summary: Literati. Rory, a college freshman, meets a confident adult Jess for the first time. What happens when they discover each other? Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors. AU.

---

"So…"

I squint in the darkening room. "Yeah?"

"Big day today."

Smiling, I prop myself up on my elbow and glance over at her beside me. "Yeah, suppose so."

"Are you kidding? It's huge."

Smirking, "Why, thanks."

Appalled, "Jess!"

"What?" I smile broadly and lie back down on the bed.

Giggling, she can't but find my joke amusing.

I lift the covers and pretend to think about it. "You don't think so?"

Slapping my shoulder, "Jess! You're horrible."

I smirk. "Yeah, I know you want me bad."

"Okay!" She throws her hands up in surrender. "That's enough."

Laughing, I let it go, seeing that her face is bright red.

Taking a deep breath, she tries again. "I just meant it's a big deal that you graduated today."

"Oh…that." Adjusting my head on my pillow, I stare up at the ceiling. "Yeah, long time in coming."

Softly, "You still got here. So it's worth it, right?"

Turning my head to the side, to peer over at her, "Yeah, I guess it's worth it." I smile, taking in her appearance. She's pulled up the sheet to cover her body and wrapped it tight around her chest. Reaching a lazy hand out, I trail the freckles down the length of her arm. She's watching my hand, and I watch her face. Her eyes are dull, and I can only assume why she seems a little sad. "A lot is changing." It just slipped out.

She moves her eyes away from me and turns to her back. Lying still, she doesn't respond. Silent for another two minutes, she still doesn't move. It was obviously the wrong thing to say.

I whisper, "Rory?"

She shakes her head, but still refuses to make eye contact.

"Rory?"

Voice cracking, she finally speaks up. "I don't want to talk about it."

I'm trying to reach out to touch her, but she's unexpectedly rolled onto her side again. I face her back and I sit up in concern. "Rory, please come here."

"Stop." She's sitting up as well on the bed. "Just stop."

Bringing the sheet up to cover my lower body, I inch my way carefully to her side of the bed. Vaguely in the back of my mind, I think about how far we've come since I first met her in September. She pulled me in that first time I bumped into her and I couldn't shake her out of my mind even as I tried to resist. And when I saw her in Stars Hollow for Thanksgiving, I was thoroughly charmed by this girl. She held my hand in the middle of the town and I felt no regrets. And now…she has a side of the bed. Always on the left, on the far side of the nightstand. She had originally occupied the right side, but when my alarm would always wake her before she needed to get up, she asked to switch. Thinking about it, our routine now has become well established. She spends most nights over at my apartment, and if she doesn't sleep over, she at least has dinner with me. Once in a while we go out to eat, but mostly, I cook her dinner while she tries her best to help. But it always results in disaster. I still let her help because it lets her feel useful and I like spending time with her. Even if I end up cleaning the kitchen afterwards. Smiling to myself, I think about how we have our own system. She's moved in a lot of her stuff, and slowly I discover something new of hers next to mine. Her laptop now sits plugged in next to mine on the desk, the pink toothbrush I bought for her lives perpetually next to my own blue one, and her novels are mixed with mine under the bed.

"Rory…" I touch her shoulder and I wince seeing her pull away.

She's tucking her hair compulsively behind her ear, even though there's nothing in her face. Rocking herself gently back and forth, she's trying to isolate herself, as if that'll comfort her.

"Rory, please." I come to the edge of the bed and I rest my feet on the floor next to hers, but not touching.

"You just said that a lot is changing. But…" She hunches over. "I don't want anything to change."

I drape my right arm across her shoulders, and I bring her bent head under my chin. "I didn't mean that we have to change."

She sniffles and it makes my chest contract at the sound. "I know. But people change when things change around them."

"You sure about that?"

"Yes. You can't avoid change, even if you try. And when situations change, the people inside changes with it."

"Don't you think that," I kiss the top of her head, "some things can stay the same, even if change happens?"

"No. Even if you try to stay the same, you'll change."

"Huh."

"Like when we got together…" She leaves the thought hanging.

Ducking down to see her face, I ask. "What do you mean?"

"I swore that I would never be one of those girls that depended on their boyfriends. I hated those girls that defined themselves by their relationships. I thought that you could separate your own personal life from love and that things like that could be controlled."

I scowl. "I don't think that you depend on me to define yourself." One of the things that drew me towards her in the first place was that she was real. She was headstrong and almost defiant about whom she was as a person. She isn't a weepy girl that waits for a knight to save her. I like that.

"No, you don't define me, but I can't define myself without you coming into the picture."

Truthfully, I don't think I could examine and explain my life at this point without mentioning how she fits into it. "Ah."

Today has been a long day, and the effects are finally hitting home. She sighs and wraps her arms around my chest, but I feel hot tears run down my arm. "I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm being so stupid about all of this." Abruptly, she pulls away and scrubs her face with angry palms. "Ugh! I hate being like this. I told myself I wouldn't get worked up about it!" She moves back towards the center of the bed and she pulls her legs up to her chest. "Stupid, Rory."

Clutching the sheet to my waist, I sit facing her. "Hey, stop insulting my girlfriend." I raise an eyebrow and duck down to peer up into her face. "I happen to think she's very smart."

The curtain of hair doesn't hide the fact that she's biting her lip to keep from smiling, and I relax just a bit. She plays with her toes and buries them into the covers. "Yeah?"

I smile. "Yeah."

Propping her chin on her knees, she looks up at me with damp eyes. "When are you leaving?"

"Friday."

She nods. "Okay."

"Are you going to come up with me and check out the place?"

"Do you want me to?"

"Of course."

She's smiling sadly and inches forward between my legs for a hug.

"Are you going to call me?"

She looks up and I finally hear her giggle. "Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

I jokingly make a face at her. "No. Guys like it too when their girlfriends call, you know?"

"Then yes, I'll call." Shrugging a bare shoulder, she rests her chin on my shoulder and whispers in my ear. "Since we have the same cell phone carrier, we have free mobile to mobile. So yeah, I guess I can call you."

Pulling back, "I'm hurt. Are you saying you wouldn't call me if it wasn't for free?"

Smiling broadly, she launches her body into mine for a bear hug and pushes me back flat against the bed. "I'd call you even if I needed to use a pay phone and carry around a big bag of change."

I smirk. "Sounds like you really like me."

Nodding, she pushes her face into my neck and hums. "Yeah, I really like you."

Hedging, "A lot?"

"A lot." She matches her hips with mine and I reach down to pull her sheet away. With her bare body on top of my own, I feel her relax against me.

---

Muted muttering slowly wakes me out of my sleep. Blinking in the darkness, my eyes adjust and I see the top of her head over the edge of the bed. She's whispering softly and holds a flashlight close to a book, reading.

"Rory?"

"Oh!" She shines the light in my face and looks startled. "Sorry."

"S'okay." I rub my eyes. "What are you doing?"

"Reading. I couldn't sleep."

"In the dark?" Suddenly, I see Adso jump up on the bed, and I realize that she's been reading to him. His tail thumps happily and he paces back and forth on the bed.

She's smiling, but doesn't get up off the floor. "He was just keeping me company."

I ruffle his ears and he huffs out a breath and lies down in the middle of the bed. "Come back to bed."

"I'm not tired."

Cracking my neck, it releases some of the tension as I throw my legs over the side to walk around the bed. Grabbing my sweatshirt off the chair, I slip it on and sit down next to her. "You okay?" This is the second night in a row I've found her out of bed in the middle of the night. Last night I found her sitting on my kitchen countertop with her legs tucked under her, nursing a hot cup of coffee. I watched her just staring into the digital clock on my microwave for a couple of minutes before I walked into the kitchen. And now, tonight…she's starting to worry me. I leave three days from now, and I know she's trying hard not to bring it up, even though I know she's constantly thinking about it.

She nods. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Geez, what time is it?" I crane my neck to look at my clock.

"Four."

I glance over at her. "Have you slept at all tonight?"

"Yeah. Couple hours when we went to bed."

"We went to bed at eleven. You've been up since one o'clock?"

"I'm fine." She puts the book down. "Really. I'm fine."

Not wanting to upset her, I just relent. "Okay." I place my arm over her shoulders and she leans into my touch. Using my other hand to reach her legs, I pull them over my lap and I tuck her into the warmth of my body.

She's unzipped part of my sweatshirt and her hands are stroking my bare chest. The moment dies down around us, and I just sit back against the bed, enjoying the feeling. "Jess?"

"Yeah?"

"Tell me something."

"Tell you what?"

Undoing the sweatshirt completely, she snuggles into me. "Anything."

I smile, remembering how she's said those words to me before. "Um…"

"Hm?"

"I used to swim in high school."

"Like, on a team?" She sounds amused. "I thought you were totally against all organized sports."

I chuckle. "I am; kind of. But it was more of an accident."

"How so?"

"My parents and I went to Europe for the summer and when I came back, I missed the registration window and the school just choose my classes for me. There were only two electives left, swim and home economics. So, I choose swim. Figured it'd be easier than trying to sew an apron."

She's laughing. "Were you any good?"

"Yeah, surprisingly enough."

Something clicks in her mind. "So…you were on the swim team."

I eye her warily. "Yeah."

"You swam in one of those little Speedos?"

I groan and hang my head. Gathering my wits, I turn and smirk at her. "Why, would you like to have seen me?"

Bravely, she surprises me. "I've already seen all of you."

"But not in the water." I continue to try to tease a blush out of her.

"True." She shrugs and gives me a look over her shoulder. "But I've seen you in the shower, and that's better than any pool."

Shaking my head, I give up. Trying to cover my mouth, I can't contain my yawn. "Aren't you tired?"

"No." Cocking her head, she indicates that I should get up. "Go back to bed. I'll be fine. I can read in the living room."

Standing up, I hold out my hand. "I want to sleep with you."

She smiles and I know she won't resist. "Oh, okay."

---

"Maybe you should take another jacket with you." She's rummaging through my closet. "You only have one coat? How can that be?"

I smirk. "Dunno. Just happened."

"It gets cold here in the winter. How have you survived with just one coat?"

Shrugging, I don't really concentrate on the conversation. "I layer up with sweatshirts." Walking over to the bathroom, I think about what I'll need to take with me.

"Well," she speaks up so that I can hear her, "I don't want you to be cold."

Ducking my head around the corner, I catch her worried expression. "It's summer. I doubt it'll be cold in New York."

"You never know."

"Rory." I raise my eyebrows.

"Okay. Fine." She takes a sweatshirt off a hanger anyways and throws it on the bed. Going back to dig through my shirts, she pulls out random ones. Pausing for a moment, she surveys what she's already picked out. "How many pairs of pants do you think you'll need?"

"Not much."

"What if they get dirty?"

"Then I'll do laundry." Passing her on my way back into the room, I kiss her cheek.

"You're only going to be there for a month. What if you don't have time to find out where the laundry places are?"

I can't help but smile. She's been like this all day. I leave tomorrow and she's been helping me pack. I've realized that in all her anxiety, she's been channeling all that energy into mothering me instead. Whether her doubts about the month have gone away or not, she's been trying hard to keep her emotions under wraps. "I think I'll be okay."

"Alright."

Adso waltzes into the room and he jumps up on the bed to snuggle into my clothes. "Hey." Trying to push him off, I'm unsuccessful. "Ad…hey." He turns sideways to look at me. "Get off the bed."

"Come here, Puppy." Her voice is higher pitched, and he instantly gets off to sit at her feet.

I shake my head. "He listens to you more."

"But he follows you around constantly." She pets his head.

"I know it's late in asking, but do you think you could take care of him while I'm gone?"

She looks surprised. "You're not taking him?"

"How can I? I'm just crashing at Ben's place for the month, and I can't ask to bring my dog along with me. And plus, Adso loves you. Do you mind?"

"No, not at all." She smiles down at him. "I'm going to go home to Stars Hollow anyways, so I can take him with me. I've always wanted a dog." Crouching down, she gets eyelevel with him. "I'll spoil you rotten. Yes, I will." He sticks out his head to lick the side of her mouth.

"Stars Hollow?"

"Yeah. Plan is to go home and spend time with Mom. Don't worry, Mom loves dogs. She always wanted one too."

"Hm." I look down.

"What is it?"

"I just figured you'd stay here."

"Here? In your apartment?"

"Well, you stay here already. And that way, Adso won't mess anything up at your mom's place."

She walks over to me. "I already told her I'd go home. And Adso won't mess anything up. He's a good dog."

Wrapping my arms around her waist, I gaze into her eyes. "Yeah, I suppose so."

"But I can still come up here once in a while to check up on the place."

"Thanks."

"Oh!" Releasing me, she scurries out of the room. "I got you a map of the city."

Shouting to her in the living room, I'm amused. "You what?"

"Got you a map." Coming back into the bedroom, she leans against my dresser. "Just so you won't get lost."

I laugh. "Rory, I was born in New York."

"Upstate."

"Yeah, but I'm still familiar with the city."

She shrugs. "Just in case."

Bending down to kiss her nose, "Thank you."

---

It's late, past midnight, and even though my eyes are heavy, I don't want to sleep just yet. We've been in bed for the last hour, each of us silent in thought. I can only guess what she's been thinking about, but my own emotions are churning. I'm excited and scared to go tomorrow. I want to prove that I can do this and that I'm more than just the typical rich kid who sailed through life. I need to show that I'm worth something on my own two feet. But I'm also riddled with anxiety. I'm terrified to leave her, and equally frightened to find out how this coming month will affect us.

She's lying on her stomach with her head on my shoulder as I lie on my back. One of her legs is in between mine, and I reach down to adjust her hips. "You're digging into me."

"Oops. Sorry." She smiles.

I return her grin and comb through her hair with my fingers. Finally letting the words escape, I whisper, "I'm gonna miss you."

"Me too."

Adso picks up his head and whimpers. I chuckle. "I'll miss you too."

She giggles. "You've never really been away from him, have you?"

"Not really. But don't worry, he'll be fine. At least he's familiar with you."

Lifting her own body up on her palms, she looks down at me. "I've never been away from you for this long."

Shifting my body, I relax. "Sure you have."

"When?"

"When we were fighting."

She makes a noise. "That's different. We were mad. Now we're not."

I adjust my hips again and bend my knees so that she's hitting that right spot. "We'll be fine."

"I won't get to sleep with you every night."

Keeping the conversation light, I knew this was an inevitable topic for tonight, but I don't want to spoil our last moments together in bed. "Adso can sleep with you every night." He picks up his head and jumps off the bed. Watching him leave the room, I hear the jingle of his tags and I assume he's gone to sleep on the couch tonight.

She laughs. "Yeah, he's great company. But…" Kissing me gently, she massages my lips with hers. "He can't do that."

"I hope not." Hugging her to me, I pull her body into mine and she rests her full weight on me. Keeping my knees bent, she's cradled in my hips and she starts a steady rhythm of rocking. My arousal is quickly flooding into my body and I kiss her harder, stroking her tongue against mine. I thrust up into her, and I can feel the heat of her body even through both of our pajamas. Running my hands through her hair and down her back, I push her further down into me. Sinking her weight into mine, she's kissing me back harder, and I just hold her tightly. Sitting up slightly, I support myself on my elbow and I roll her onto her back. Breaking the kiss, I pull back and she's staring at me with wide eyes. Winking at her, I hover over, and bend down to trace circles on her shoulder blade with my nose. "Hey."

Snuggling into the covers, she smiles. "Hi back." Waiting a moment, she bends her knees and bumps my hips. "Don't stop."

Smirking, "Not stopping. Just taking things slow."

I watch her bite her lower lip and turn her head to the side to look at my alarm clock. She turns back to face me with wide eyes. "There's not a lot of time left."

Listening to her, the mood has suddenly deflated. "Hey, don't say that."

Her forehead wrinkles. "It's true."

Not knowing exactly how to answer her, because it is true, I just bend down to kiss her again. Pouring myself into the kiss, I know that she needs all the reassurance I can give her. I'm no longer surprised by the way she kisses, but I love it when she's just entirely involved in the kiss—body and soul. Nothing in between. I keep those memories to myself, not even sharing them with her. I just thank her by kissing her back in a way that I've come to learn, takes her breath away. That's what I can give her. Me.

She's moaning into my mouth, and I pull away to catch my breath. With my chest heaving against hers, I run my hands down her arm to gather my thoughts. I really have no other thoughts than her. Situating her onto her back, I kiss a trail down her throat to her collarbone. I rest my head against her belly, still covered by one of my shirts that she's chosen to wear to bed, and I breathe in slowly. Coming down to the hem, I inch it up just a bit, revealing a strip of skin between the top of her underwear and her stomach. I kiss the indent of her hips and my hands span the width of her abdomen. I dip my tongue into the little curve of her bellybutton, and she shifts, hands buried in my hair. "Jess…that tickles." But I get the result I'm seeking for.

I crawl back up the length of her body and kiss her cheek. "At least you're smiling."

She smiles again, albeit sadly this time, and just asks in her serious voice. "Can we just…"

"Hm?"

She screws up the courage, and quietly asks, "Can we just make love?"

"Okay." I nod. "Alright."

She's pulling my head down, and I let her set the pace. She needs this tonight, and I'll do what I can to give it to her. Sinking down onto my forearms, I concentrate on the kiss. The feel of her lips, the wet brush of her tongue against mine, and the undeniable feeling I get when I kiss this girl. She lifts her chin, and I can read her signs. She wants me to move on. Detaching our kiss, I look down and slowly lift up her shirt. Coming up to the underside of her breasts, I leave it there. Bending down, I brush my fingers across the skin below her ribcage, and she shifts under me. I watch as she grasps the shirt and takes it off herself. Leaving herself bare, except for the underwear she's wearing, she's suddenly nervous as I continue to watch her. Hesitant arms come up to protect her breasts, and I smile softly at her reaction. Nudging her away, I mildly cup her left breast in my hand and feel its weight.

I feel her tugging down my boxers, and she shifts her weight to the side so that she can get rid of her underwear as well. Blinking twice, I wait for her to relax again, and then I touch her skin. Everywhere. Anywhere I can reach, anything I can find. Coming between her legs, I reach my palm around the back of her knee and she parts her legs in response. Leaning down to kiss her inner thigh, she bends her knees and I sit between them. She bites her lower lip, and I touch her gently, slowly. Warmth invades my senses and surrounds my fingers. Leisurely, moving my fingers, I'm creating a steady rhythm. Looking up, I see her reach for my headboard, but she comes up empty handed because she's not sitting tall enough to grip the top. Instead, tense fingers hold onto the bed sheet, wrinkling it beneath her clutch.

Body undulating with my hand, I hear a sharp intake of breath. Thinking that it's just her breath catching in her throat, I continue. But I jerk my head in her direction as she suddenly curls up and into my chest. Moving my hand away from her, I cradle her body to me and hear her choke back a sob. "Rory…?"

She's shaking her head swiftly and tears run down our bodies. She's soaking my shoulder, but her cry isn't violent. It's not like before when I've seen her cry about her dad. No. Right now, it's silent gut-wrenching tears that are tugging at my heart. Her head is buried in the crook of my neck. "Don't leave. Don't."

She's exhausted. I can tell. After several days of only running on a couple hours' sleep, she's reacting badly to a situation that is already hard. Rocking her against my chest, I don't know what to say. Honestly, I don't think I can say anything that'll make any of this any easier on her. "Shh…"

"I'm sorry." Her arms come to grip my neck tightly and she holds on.

"It's okay."

"No." Pulling back, she pushes me away at arms' length. "I'm so stupid. I ruined our night." Blowing out a breath in annoyance, she huffs. "Get a grip." She's talking to herself.

Soothingly, I tell her again. "It's alright."

"No, it's not." She doesn't want coddling. When she's upset, she goes through stages and I've learned to identify them. She might be willing to be touched and hugged in the initial stage, but immediately after that, she pulls into her protective mode. She thinks she can protect herself by tackling problems on her own. When she gets to that stage, no amount of touch can comfort her. She needs to draw herself out of it to move on. "I wanted tonight to be special. It's our last night together."

"It doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters!" She looks at me in indifference. "No guy wants a girlfriend who can't stop crying when they're having sex!" Entirely frustrated and humiliated with herself, she bursts into angry tears. Moving away from me, she edges to the side of the bed and stands up, naked and vulnerable.

Not bothering with covering up with the sheet, I stand up as well. "Rory, please, come here."

"No! I'm not worth it."

And that shocks me. She is a girl who is entirely self-confident, even when she's blushing bright red and has her arms crossed protectively around herself. A mix of assurance and doubt, there has never been a time where I questioned whether she really knew worth. She knows who she is and is not afraid to discover the truth. With that angry outburst, I can't help but force onto her the fact that she's wrong. "Stop it, Rory. Just stop." My voice is defiant.

Sharply turning at my statement, her mouth hangs open.

"Don't ever say that about yourself. Do you hear me?"

She nods halfway and stops. Deflated, her arms come around her chest to cover up and she's suddenly moved on to her next stage. Now is the time to reassure her physically. She's past the stage where she needs me to speak up or to contradict her with the truth. She's now back to the girl who's just needs someone to be there for her. Sinking down to the floor, she pulls her legs into her body. Huddling in a ball, she shivers.

Crouching down to pull her back up, she sinks into my hug and I rub my hands across her back to warm her up. "Come on." I try to walk with her, but she doesn't budge. She's just clinging onto me and I know it's not enough to get her warm again. Shifting her weight, I support her back with one arm and use the other to lift her up under the back of her knees. Walking into the bathroom, I don't bother turning on the lights and I step very carefully into the shower, with her still in my arms. Releasing her legs, she stands up, and I turn on the water. Hugging her to me, I dip her head back to wet her hair and back. Her eyes open, and it looks like she's suddenly become aware of the fact that we're in the shower.

Her blue eyes shine with previously shed tears and she smiles sadly at me. "Thank you."

I test the temperature of the water myself by stepping under the showerhead. The water feels nice on my muscles. Reaching out to pull her into me, I wrap wet arms around her back. She's stepping into my hug and I sigh. "Let's not think about it, okay? I'm right here. Now."

She nods. "Okay."

---

Walking through the corridor of the lobby, I see her sitting on the front stoop of the apartment building. Her knees are drawn up to her chest and her head moves occasionally, following people who walk in front of her. Today has been surprisingly okay. We woke up early and she helped me pack everything into the car, and our conversation during the drive wasn't filled with awkward silences or long pauses. She kept a constant stream of chatter, but it wasn't done out of nervousness. We talked like we did when we were first getting to know each other. It was nice. When we pulled up to Ben's apartment building, she watched as I took my duffel bag up and got situated. Later, we took a walk around the block and stopped at a hotdog stand for lunch. It was pleasant. I held her hand and walked leisurely around, watching people, and eventually settling on a park bench for an hour. She pulled out her book from her purse and talked excitedly about it while I just held her body against my side and listened halfheartedly. We left and walked back to the apartment when she said she needed to use the bathroom, and now she's sitting on the stoop, waiting for me to come back down to say goodbye.

Pushing the door open with a swish, her head turns back when she feels the air condition on her back. "Hey."

She smiles in response. Sitting down next to her, I pick up her hand and tangle our fingers together. She's watching intently. "You've been doing that a lot today."

My eyes move and catch hers. "Doing what?"

"Holding my hand." She shrugs.

I question her silently with a turn of my head and amusement in my eyes.

"It's just, you don't usually…" She smiles. "Well, you do. But not like today." Quietly, softly, she turns her head away and continues. "It's like today is different. You're not just holding my hand, but more like trying to keep me. Like you're memorizing how it feels."

Sighing, I don't answer her.

"Well, anyways. I think I better get going if I'm going to make it to Stars Hollow tonight."

I hold her hand just a little bit tighter.

With her voice still chipper, she continues. "Does Adso like to be walked in the morning or evening?"

"Morning."

"Alright then." She stands.

I follow and look down at her in question. "You're…okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, last night."

She nods. "Yeah, I know. But surprisingly enough, I'm okay. Really."

I blink a couple times. "You sure?"

She stands taller to kiss me. "Yup."

Slowly, I respond. "Okay."

She walks down the several stairs and I trail her half a step behind with my hands in the pockets of my jeans. Coming up to where her little blue car is parked, she unlocks it with a chirp. Since it's not practical for me to take my car, the plan had originally been for her to drive up mine and take it back, but last night I remembered that she doesn't know how to drive a stick and we had to take her car instead. Unlocked, she rests against the door and looks up at me. "So, this is it."

Bending down, one hand goes to the side of her face, while the other holds on gently at her hip. Caught off guard, both her palms are flat against my chest and she's trying to grip onto something. My shirt is getting wrinkled between her hands, and I lean into her so that she's trapped against my body and the car. Flush against me, I edge my leg between hers and bend my knees slightly so I can catch her lips again and deepen the kiss. Slowly, so slowly, I pull out of the kiss but rest my forehead on hers. "Call me when you get to Stars Hollow?"

"It'll be late." She whispers and I can feel her breath close to me.

"S'okay. Call me anyways."

"Alright." She pulls away and opens the car door. "Bye Jess."

I watch with my hands in my pockets.

---

"So…couch, kitchen, bathroom, my room, spare bedroom, and that's about it." Ben gestures at the general direction of each room in the apartment and I just nod with my hands in my pockets.

I'm torn at exactly how I should feel. Watching Rory drive away twenty minutes ago nearly made me regret my decision of coming here for the month. Just seeing her car turn the corner and speed away tugged at my heart. And now…I don't even know how to describe it. "Thanks."

"Okay." Ben bobs his head. "Um, I have a date tonight. But…"

"I'm kinda tired. Was up late last night packing and all…so I think I'll just head to bed early tonight." I'm not in the mood to be around anyone new, even with someone who's giving me a once in a lifetime opportunity.

"Alright. Well, help yourself to anything you want. We'll leave for Dog-Eared tomorrow morning before nine. I'll show you around, introduce you to the guys, and let you get a feel for things."

"Thanks." Oddly shy and awkward, I'm not very comfortable around strangers. My head ducks down and my eyes follow him as I watch him grab his keys and wallet and lock the door behind him. Taking in the surroundings, I walk over to the window and watch the people walking around. Swallowing, I turn around and quietly close the spare bedroom door behind me.

The room is small, but comfortable. There's a twin bed and a closet that Ben has apparently emptied out one side for me to hang my clothes. Not bothering too much with unpacking, I pull my shirt over my head and toe off my shoes. Lying down in just my pants, I cross my arms beneath my head to stare at the ceiling. Exhausted and feeling a bit lonely, I turn on my side to reach for my phone on the side table. Flipping it open, I select my pictures folder and scroll down to the one that I snapped when we first started sleeping together. It had been early one morning and I woke up to find her hugging the pillow against her chest. Adso was snuggled up against her belly and I couldn't resist. I've never even showed her this picture because it all feels way too romantic for my tastes. I took the picture without her knowing but I had woken up Adso with the click of the phone and it effectively ruined any hopes I had that morning of just watching her sleep. But I have that picture and right now…it reminds me just how far away I am from her.

---

The phone's vibrating against the nightstand and I reach to grab it in the dark. Flipping it, but not opening my eyes, I know it's her. "Yeah?"

"Hey." Her voice sounds tired.

"Hi."

"I just got here."

"Everything okay?"

I hear her rustling. "Yeah, everything's fine. Mom's already asleep and I think Luke is here as well, but I'm not sure. Adso's checking out the house, but he just settled down on my bed."

My head is heavy against the pillow and I close my eyes tighter feeling vaguely jealous of my own dog. "Good."

There's a noise and it sounds like she's yawning. "Yeah. You okay?"

Perhaps it's the exhaustion of the hour, perhaps it's the distance, but it seems like my thoughts have no filter. I breathe out, "God, I miss you."

I think if I could see her, she would be smiling sadly. "Yeah, me too." She tells me very quietly. "But it'll be fine. It won't be that long now."

After I've spent so much time convincing her that everything will be okay, I feel very odd hearing it come out of her mouth. At this moment, during this first night, I don't feel like everything will be okay. In fact, I don't like how she sounds so damn sure. "Yeah." I can feel my automatic defense mechanisms come up. If I don't vocalize the problem, it doesn't exist.

"It's getting late. I think I'm going to go to bed now."

"Sure."

"Okay. Get some sleep, Jess."

"Yeah."

She's pausing and I think she can pick up on my sour mood. "You…okay?"

"Yup."

"Then why don't you say anything with more than just one word?"

"I'm fine." I defend my stance because she's right and I refuse to let her see it.

"Okay. Goodnight, Jess."

"'Night."

I listen to her end of the line click off.

---

"How is he?"

"He's…okay." She stops. "Well, like I said earlier, he seemed a little sad the first week. He kept on sniffing around the house as if he would find you hiding or something. But the other day I got an idea and we drove up to the apartment and I took your comforter home with me, so now we sleep with your blanket on the bed. It seems to calm him down. At least he's eating regularly now. So that's a good sign, right?'

"Yeah, that's a good sign." I pause. "So, other than that…he's okay?"

"Yeah. Mom loves him. And Luke secretly likes him too. Even to the point of spoiling him, but don't tell Luke I said that."

I chuckle.

Switching topics suddenly, she speaks up. "Do you think I would look good as a blonde?"

Switching the phone to the other ear, I take my time walking down the street. "Um, honestly?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Why are we talking about this?"

I can imagine her rolling her eyes. "'Cause I think it's time for a change. I think having brown hair is boring."

"It's not boring, it's you."

"Maybe I'm boring then."

"If that's true, then I like boring girls."

"So you're saying I'm boring?"

"No, I'm saying you look fine with brown hair."

"Just fine?" I can just see her pout.

"Yeah."

"Not more than fine?"

I wait with a half dozen other people for the pedestrian light to come on at the intersection. "Are you fishing for a compliment?"

She's pausing, probably debating whether or not to tell the truth. "Maybe."

I chuckle. "Is that a yes or a no?"

"Yes."
"Alright. I think you look fucking fantastic with brown hair. I think you look fine the way you are."

"Again with the fine."

I scoff. "Did you miss the first part of my sentence where I said you look fucking fantastic?"

She snickers. "Well…I guess that's okay."

The light changes and I step off the curb. "Why the sudden urge for change?"

"Dunno. I was thinking about how my life is changing."

"And when did you think about that?"

"I was just walking around town with Adso after breakfast. Quiet morning. Just him and me and we sat down at this bridge on the side of the park. I think you'd like it. I'll take you one day."

I nod. "Alright."

"Anyways, so I was thinking about how things are changing. You know, like going to Yale, living relatively on my own. And by that, I mean at least I'm not living with Mom everyday. And with thinking about what I'll do after college, and now that I'm seeing an older guy…" She trails off.

I cringe. "Do you have to say it like that?"

"Like what?"

I mock her. "Older guy…makes me feel like a lecher."

"Whatever." She's brushing it off. "I just meant that it seems like so much in my life is changing, but I still look the same."

"So what? I still look the same."

"That's different. You're a guy."

Crossing the street again, I see the coffee shop at the corner. "Yeah, I certainly hope so."

"Maybe I need a different look instead. I think I dress too preppy. What do you think?"

"I think I fell in love with you exactly the way you are right now." I'm rolling my eyes at myself. That was uncharacteristically emotional for me. Especially given that we're not even in bed.

"Aw, Jessie. That was sweet."

"Shut up."

She's giggling.

"Hey listen," I reach for the door handle and swing it open. "I just got to the coffee shop."

"Oh, okay. Good luck."

"Thanks."

"I'll call you later tonight."

"Alright." I look around for the guy I'm supposed to be meeting.

"Bye."

Slipping the phone into my pocket, I see a young guy sitting by himself in the corner. That must be him. Coming up to the table, "Are you Tom McArthur?"

He stands up to offer his hand for me to shake. "Yeah, you Jess?"

"Yup." Sitting down opposite to him, I flag the waiter. "Coffee, black please." Lifting my bag over my shoulder, I hook it to the side of the chair. "So, I read your book. It has potential. Why don't you tell me more about it?" After scouting new authors for the last two weeks, I've learned to just get right down to the point. There's no reason in wasting time.

---

"Hey man."

Closing the door behind me, I turn my head to snap in the lock. "Hey."

"Beer?" Ben's head pops around the refrigerator door.

"Sure." Coming up to the kitchen table, I take a seat. "Thanks."

"Yeah." Sitting across from me, he pops off the cap. "Anything today?"

I nod. "Couple perspectives. One of the guys that I met with is coming to the store tomorrow."

"Good." He takes a swig. "So, how are you liking it so far?"

I raise my eyebrows. "Honestly?"

"If it makes you feel better you can lie first." He smirks.

I chuckle. "It's…hard. But I like it. A lot."

He nods. "Yeah, it is hard. Obviously, you can tell by how few books we've actually published in the couple years since we've established the company. But it can be really satisfying."

Propping up my head with a closed fist, I listen. "Yeah, I can tell."

"Good." He's picking at the label on the bottle. "And to be truthful, we haven't had this many prospects since…ever." He chuckles. "So either you're damn lucky or…you might be actually good at this." Gesturing with his hands, he continues. "I mean, of course we might not sign any of these people you've found. But just the fact that we're getting our name out there is helpful."

I nod.

"So, what do you think of the guys?"

"Tim is pretty gung-ho about the business part of it all, Nate seems like he doesn't have direction but really knows his stuff when it's necessary, and Scott has a pretty impressive knowledge on books. They all know a lot more then they let on."

Ben laughs. "Yeah, that seems about right." Tilting the bottle back to drain the rest, he leans back on the chair. "So, you have any problems with them?"

"No." I shake my head.

"'Cause the guys and I think you fit in pretty well."

I narrow my eyes at this line of thought. "Okay."

"And given the way things are going, I think you'd be a benefit to Dog-Eared."

I cock my head to the side.

"Once you finish this coming week, I'll meet with my dad and see if we can afford another guy on payroll. It won't be great at first, we're still really small and you see how business goes for us. But, it'll be something and we can hook you up with an apartment not far from the store. My dad knows a couple of guys that deal in real estate locally, and so that won't be a problem. And you'll be doing pretty much what you're doing now, only with pay." He's pausing. "So what do you think about working with us full time?"

Rubbing my face with my hand, I finish off my beer and set it on the table gently. "You're offering me a position. Right now."

"That's right."

Slowly, I hesitate. "Not that I don't appreciate it, but can I have a couple of days to think about it?"

He nods in understanding. "Sure, not a problem. I'll need to know as soon as possible. I prefer before you leave, but if you still need time you can have another week. But I'd really like to meet with my dad as soon as I know, and I'll need some heads up."

I get up. "Of course."

"Okay." He stands as well. "And Jess? If you really don't think this is right for you, moving here to New York and all, there's no hard feelings."

"Thanks."

Clapping his hands together once, he sighs. "Alright. I've got a date with the lovely Amanda tonight." He stops. "Wait! Is it Amanda? Shit." I watch in amusement as he digs out his palm pilot to check. "Oh, thank god I checked."

Chuckling, I ask from the doorway. "What's her name?"

"Lauren."

I shake my head. "Have fun."

"Thanks." He leers at me and smiles. "Don't wait up."

---

Listening to the ring, I wait for her to pick up. "Hey Baby."

I chuckle. "Hey."

"I thought it was my turn to call tonight."

"Yeah." I shrug. "Just wanted to hear your voice."

"Alright." I hear music being turned down. "So, you come home at the end of the week."

Sitting down on the bed, I lean against the wall. "Yeah, almost."

"When should I come up to collect my boyfriend?"

"Saturday afternoon will be fine. Thanks."

"No problem. I can't wait to see you." She pauses. "Do you have a lot of presents for me?"

I make a face. "Like what?"

"I'm shocked! You don't have anything? What about that list I tucked into your bag?"

"That was a list of things you wanted?"

"Yeah, of course."

I pull if off the side table under my watch and wallet. "It's like a to-do list."

"Well, did you do it?"

"Um…" Taking the sheet, I read off the items. "One. Eat hotdog in Times Square. Take picture as evidence. Did that."

"Great."

"Two. Have cup of coffee in the Village. I had tea instead, does that count?"

"You're straying from the list. But I'll let it slide."

I shake my head at her insanity. "Okay, let's see. Three. Ride subway." I pause. "Rory, I've already been on a subway before I came this time."

"Well," she sighs, "Did you bring me a subway token?"

"They don't have those anymore. I used a metro card."

"You still have it though, right?"

"Yeah, I think." I dig it out of my wallet.

"Can I have it?"

"If you want."

"I do." She breathes out. "Next on the list?"

"Uh, four. Buy some knockoff from street vendor." I roll my eyes. "This is so lame."

She's laughing. "Well, did you do it?"

"I bought you a fake Rolex."

"Yay."

Picking it up next to my own watch, I examine it closer. "Hope it doesn't break before I get back."

"That's fine. Next?"

"Sheesh. Five. Stand in crowd for TRL." I scoff. "I did not do that. Can't believe you even wrote that."

"That was just a joke."

"This whole thing is."

"Hey, it's the least you can do for me when you leave for a month."

"Don't pout."

"I'm not!"

I roll my eyes. "Yes you are."

"Well, you can't see me, so you can't prove it."

"Yeah, right."

The conversation stops for a moment. "Jess?"

"Yeah?"

"Are things going to be the same when you come home?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean…well, you've been away for a month. A lot changes in a month."

I shrug. "Not that much."

"Are you the same Jess?"

I chuckle. "What does that mean?"

"I mean, are you the same?"

"I don't think I changed." A beat. "Are you the same? My girlfriend still a brunette?"

"Oh, that. Momentary lapse of judgment. Good thing I didn't do it."

"Yeah. I don't have a thing for blondes anymore."

"Anymore?" Her voice is curious. "You used to?"

I snicker. "Let's just say that I'm stuck on brunettes for the rest of my life now."

"Good answer. So, Saturday."

"Yeah." I relax on the bed. "Saturday."

"Should I bring Adso?"

Considering it, "I don't think so. Maybe it's best to leave him there when you come."

"Okay. Mom and I are having a movie night tonight, so…"

"I'll let you go then."

"Thanks. I'll talk to you in the next couple of days?"

"Sure."

"Bye."

---

It's warm outside and the slight breeze feels nice as we sit on the patio of the restaurant.

"Dude, that guy was scary." Nate takes a sip of his coke. "Why the hell would you send him to the office?"

I shrug. "He had a good manuscript."

Scott buts in. "I thought he was going to go all Tyson on me and threaten to eat my children."

Ben throws a straw at him. "You're so pathetic. Plus, you never get laid, let alone have children."

"Hey." Scott fires back a packet of sugar. "At least I can keep track of the names of girls I see, unlike some people."

Tim rolls his eyes. "That's 'cause you never get a date. Pretty easy to keep track of nothing."

Taking a sip of my green tea, I smirk. "You guys are sorry excuses for bachelors in New York City."

"Just 'cause you're jealous of our fantastic lifestyle," Ben tosses me a smile, "Don't trash the way we do things."

I shake my head. "I don't think I've seen you go out with the same girl twice in the month I've been here."

Scott raises his eyebrow. "Even if you're all monogamous and everything, doesn't mean that Benny is."

"Hey, I can do one girl if I wanted to."

Tim scoffs. "Yeah right. When was the last time you had a girlfriend and not just dates?"

"Well there was…" Ben trails off.

"Ha! That's right. Never." Tim leans back on his chair.

"Hey, hey, four o'clock, check her out…" Nate's head swivels at the sight of a pretty redhead and we all look in her direction. He blows out a whistle. "Your girl look like that, Jess?"

I smirk. "You're digging for information."

Scott slaps my shoulder. "Of course. One month of working with you and you don't spill anything. Not even when we got you drunk." He laughs.

"It was just a couple of beers."

"Yeah, but we got Tim to tell us about the time he wet his bed at camp." Ben chuckles. Checking his watch, he pulls out his wallet and signals for the waiter to bring the check.

"So how 'bout it man," Nate turns to me, "You coming back to stay for good or what?"

"I…don't know yet. I have to figure some stuff out."

Tim rolls his eyes. "You're so evasive sometimes."

"More like, all the time." Nate chirps in.

"If you're worried about your girl," Tim gestures with his hands, "We can have Ben's dad fix you up with an apartment big enough for two."

I shake my head. "It's not that."

"It's not?"

Ben has remained uncharacteristically quiet. In fact, I've noticed since that night he offered the job to me, he hasn't really brought it up anymore. He always sits back and lets the other guys talk when it comes up, but he doesn't push. Ben might be immature at times, but he knows his boundaries and he respects them. Especially when it comes to me. He knows who he can push and who he can't.

"No, it's not." I trace the rim of my mug with my fingertip.

"Well, we've gotten used to you." Scott can be so blunt sometimes. "So, if it's possible, we'd like for you to stick around." But he has heart.

"And if you do stay, Tim promises not to hit on her." Nate snickers.

Tim's hands come up in surrender. "Hey, I know the rules for friends' girlfriends. I'm not that much of a bastard."

Finally Ben interjects. "So eloquent." His chair scraps the cement as he gets up. "Alright, let's get out of here. We have actual work to do."

"Jess? You coming back to the store with us?" Scott slips on his sunglasses.

"Nah, I have some packing to do. I'll just head back to the apartment, if that's alright."

Ben nods. "Yeah, we'll see you later tonight after we wrap up."

We stand at the entrance of the restaurant and the guys start in the opposite direction. Nate turns around, "Hey, we'll have some drinks before you leave, okay?"

I smirk. "Sure."

"Later."

---

Adjusting my messenger bag on my shoulder, I smile to myself at the thought of those guys. I've enjoyed the last month with them. Oddly enough, we get along, which is kinda surprising granted the fact that I usually like to keep to myself. But these guys are…tolerable. Even to the point of fun. Keeping my eyes halfway focused on the street in front of me, my thoughts are mainly on the thought of living here for good.

"Jess?"

I squint into the light. "Susan." My amused expression drops. She looks the same. But different. Hair's shorter, just above her shoulders, but it's still that same shade of golden blonde that I remember. She's dressed for the office with a knee length skit and a matching blazer. She's wearing heels and stands just a hair taller than me. With heavy eyeliner around her eyes, I'm vaguely thinking about how she keeps that look in the humidity of summer. But she's very sleek; her look is not the relaxed college student I remember her to be. Her put-together look only serves to put me off.

"What, what are you doing here in New York?"

"I'm just here 'til the end of the week."

"Oh." Stepping to the side, I'm hoping to bolt, but she's moved as well, effectively trapping me between the entrance of a store and her body. "So, you've been in the city?"

I roll my eyes. "Looks that way, doesn't it?"

She's unfazed. "Listen Jess, I wanted to explain about the phone calls."

"No need." I shake my head. "I don't want to know."

She huffs. "I want to tell you."

"I don't want to hear." I shift my weight in preparation to step around her.

But she puts her hand on my forearm and that makes me freeze. "Don't you…" She sighs. "Don't you ever think about me, Jess?"

"No."

"That's a lie if I ever heard one."

"Doesn't matter whether it's a lie or not. You're not in my life anymore."

She's not listening. I can tell by the way she's just powering onto the next sentence. "I think about you."

I raise my eyebrow in question.

"I do. I think…I think about how I shouldn't have left like that."

I rub my face. "No, you shouldn't have. But you did. And it's done."

"But things can be undone." Her voice is sharp.

"Not this."

Suddenly, her posture softens and so does her tone. "Jess…"

I'm waiting.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you. Really, I am. I thought I was doing the best thing for us. For me. But all this…" She gestures at the space between us. "I don't think my job was worth risking what we had."

I sigh.

"I mean, my job pretty much turned out to be everything I expected. Everything I wanted."

Bitter, I reply. "Good for you."

"But, this wasn't what I wanted for us."

"It's what you chose."

"I was wrong."

Irritated and impatient, I look down and my curiosity gets the best of me. "Why did you call all of the sudden? Why now?"

"I was dating this guy. And it didn't turn out well. Then I was thinking about how maybe I didn't want it to work with him because I still care for you. It was just such a transitional time for me, Jess. I didn't know what I wanted. I chose wrong."

"So you decided to ring up your ex as a rebound?" Scowling, I turn crass because I know it'll upset her. "What? Needed to get laid, so you call me?"

Her eyes narrow. "No, that's not what this is about."

"It's not?"

She grimaces. "No, Jess. It's not."

This is enough. "I need to go."

"Can we talk? Go somewhere and talk like adults? Preferably not on a street corner."

"No."

"Come on, Jess. Give me one reason."

I sigh. "I don't want to."

Her hands go to her hips defiantly. "Give me a good reason."

Leaning down, I retort. "You left. You. Not me."

"If you gave me a proper chance to just explain and maybe…"

I cut her off. "No. There's nothing you can say to make things different."

"It was a while ago." She's getting upset. "Can't we just start over? Clean slate?"

"There isn't even a slate to clean." I step to the left.

"You're not even going to try to give this a chance? I'm saying sorry now. You're just going to hold onto some grudge and not even try?"

Walking away, I don't even turn my head to glance back.

---

AN: As before…read? Review, please.