Lux et Veritas

Chapter 16: Commitment

Author: Knowhere

Rating: R

Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me.

AN: As I have previously stated, this story is supposed to be as realistic as possible. While I had addressed the issue of character's decisions and natural human flaws, let me make a note that concerns a more technical side instead. Since the story is to reflect real life, the conversations and the structure of what is spoken will be written accordingly. If something appears to be grammatically incorrect in a conversation, it probably is. When speaking, even the most educated, can fall into subtle grammar traps. It is not that I do not understand how the English language functions, it is because people simply speak like that. Please understand and discern the difference between the spoken language and written language.

If you are to leave a review in which you have an issue to address with me as the author, please be respectful enough to sign in or leave an email so that I might explain the reasoning behind my choices or answer whatever questions/comments you might leave. Thank you.

Please be patient with me for updates. This story is coming into its final chapters and I need more time to plan out and write in advance so that there are no loose threads between chapters. Thank you.

H: Thanks.

Summary: Literati. Rory, a college freshman, meets a confident adult Jess for the first time. What happens when the circumstances are changed? AU

---

The phone is ringing.

Hey, it's Rory. Leave me a message and I'll call you right back.

"It's me. I've been trying to reach you. I know the plan was for you to come up Saturday afternoon, but Ben has a meeting in our area and said that he'll drive me home tomorrow tonight. Uh, I'll try calling again later." Snapping the phone shut, I pick up some of my clothes on the bed and shove them into my duffel.

"Hey man. Let your girl know you're coming home?" Ben's head pops around the doorway.

I slip the cell into my back pocket. "Left a message."

He's lingering by the dresser, just watching me pack. "Listen, I know you haven't decided yet, but are you at least leaning towards a decision? 'Cause I hate to say it, but if there's a chance you might say no, I need to look for another guy."

Nodding, I hastily fold my shirt. "Yeah, I know." I stop to sit down on the bed, facing him. Nervously running my hand through my hair, I admit, "I…haven't told her yet."

"Ah." He leans against the wall. Absentmindedly, as if he can't decide whether or not to say anything, he picks at the piece of lint on his shirt. Sighing, he pauses and takes a moment. "I'm originally from California. The bay area. And I met this girl when I was college. It was…new for me." He chuckles dryly. "When the opportunity came for me to move to the city, she was…" Searching for the right word, he crosses his arms across his chest. "Opposed to the idea. And that was that. I left, we broke up, and still to this day, I think about how differently things might have turned out if I didn't leave. Or if she came with me. Or even if we tried to stay together."

"You think you made the right choice?"

"Honestly?" He scratches his head. "I really don't know. I like it here and I love my work. But…I loved her." He takes a breath. "I thought I loved her. I don't regret it, so to speak, but I wonder. I'm not sure if things really turned out for the better, but it is what it is, and I can't change it."

Caught off guard, there's no sarcasm between us. "I've never heard you talk like this."

He smirks. "Yeah, I know. The other guys…don't know. Scott knows some of it. He knows that there was a girl and that I left, but that's it. I've known him the longest, but the other two don't have a clue. They think I sleep around because that's who I am." He pauses. "Listen, I didn't tell you all this because I think you should make the same decision as I did. I don't know your situation…"

"Rory's…special."

Ben cocks his head at the sound of me cutting in, but stays quiet.

"She's different. And I don't know if I feel like that because we're together and I'm blind, or if she really is different from other women. But there's just something about her. It's something that I can put my finger on that made me pay attention. Nothing big, like, cosmic forces aligning to bring us together, or that shit, but something. Lately I've been thinking that if I choose to stay in New Haven, am I doing it for her, for us, or just because I'm scared to loose something that I've become comfortable with?"

He nods. "With Gwen, I thought that I wouldn't know how to be…me, without her. But I was wrong. People adapt."

With Ben not knowing much background on my relationship with Rory, it makes it easier to just talk without delving into specifics. "Sometimes I think that she's not ready."

"To be with you?"

I shrug. "Dunno." I think about it for a moment. "Yeah, to be with me, to be together, to be so serious. But then I think, who the hell am I to talk? I never thought I'd be serious about anyone."

"She's…younger than you." He remembers what I had told him a while ago.

"Yeah." I breathe out. "But I think that has nothing to do with it. It's really more about the responsibilities that come with being in a relationship. Or even just knowing that you're ready. And I don't think she does. Someone who's eighteen shouldn't be tied down to a long-distance boyfriend."

"Eighteen?" His eyebrows hop.

I glare. "Don't say a word."

His hands come up in surrender. "Hey, I'm not one to judge."

"It's not about her age. Or even the difference in our ages. It's just the feeling that she isn't really…ready. No matter how much she says she is."

"Don't you think you should let her decide whether or not she's ready?"

I look up.

"You already have enough to figure out on your own. You don't need to make her decision for her as well."

---

The answering machine beeps. "It's me again. I just thought I'd try to call you there in case you're at my place. I'm about an hour away. Ben's going to drop me off at home. I guess I'll just drive down to see you in Stars Hollow. Call me."

Looking over, I fiddle with the air condition vent. Ben's turned down the music and he just drums his fingers occasionally on the steering wheel. Relaxing back in the seat, I stretch my legs. "Did you ever run into her again? Gwen?"

He glances at me. "Uh, yeah. I visited a college buddy of mine and she was at a party I went to."

"And how was that?"

"One of the most awkward experiences of my life." He laughs.

I chuckle and wonder if I should continue. "Did she regret what happened between the two of you?"

"I don't think she did. She was there with another guy. Gwen's the kind of girl that will always have a boyfriend."

I nod.

"Hey."

I look in his direction.

"I think people survive. No one really needs a girlfriend to exist. It's more like, whether or not you want to live without one." He concentrates on the road. "Without her."

Resting my head, I peer out the window.

---

"Thanks man."

He ducks down to watch me through the open passenger window. "No problem. You have my number. Give me a call. Whatever you decide."

I nod. "Yeah, I will."

"Get outta here. Drive down to see your girl." He winks. "I'm sure she's dying to be with you."

I chuckle. He rolls up the window and pulls out of the apartment complex. Shouldering my duffel, I dig out my key from my pocket to unlock the entrance to the building. I stop to check my mailbox, but it's empty, and I smile thinking about how she's must have been here recently to collect my mail. Stepping into the elevator, I pause as a guy shouts for me to wait.

The hallway is empty and as I open my door, the first thing I notice is that Adso is dozing on the couch by himself with his head on the cushion. "Hey Ad." His head picks up and tail thumps wildly as he comes over to greet me. Contending with his assault, I laugh, and sit down on the floor to ruffle his ears. "Why are you here by yourself?" He barks and something catches my eye.

The bedroom door is partially open with flickering light dancing in sight. Smirking, I realize that we're not here alone. Getting up I enter the room with the dog weaving in and out of my legs. Standing at the entrance of the adjacent bathroom, I lean on the doorjamb and gently push it open with a creak. She shifts her head, and the light catches her pale skin. One of her knees peek through a curtain of bubbles and her hair is piled messily on top of her head. Turning, the water shifts, and she leans on the edge of the tub with her chin propped up on her forearms. "Welcome back."

Chuckling, I drop my head and glance up through my eyelashes. I see that Adso's come to sit patiently, and I nudge him out of the bathroom with my foot. Closing the door behind me, I turn to look at her again.

She tilts her head. "No response?" She's teasing me.

If only she knew how physical my response actually is. "You didn't return my calls on purpose."

"Eh." She shrugs a bare shoulder. "I wanted to surprise you."

"That you did." I nod. Stepping over her abandoned shirt on the floor, I kneel by the tub to kiss her. My hand goes into the water to caress her back, and she reaches out to hold my shoulder as she deepens the kiss. It's sweet and hesitant and I realize that even if her original plan had been to seduce me, she's still shy about all of it.

Pulling out of the kiss, I notice that her hand retracts with a slight tremor. "Hey, what's this?" Taking her warm palm into my own, I kiss her forefinger.

She chokes out a startled laugh. "Just nerves, I guess."

Tucking a damp strand of hair behind her ear, I sit on my tile floor. "You nervous?"

"Yeah." She sets her chin on the tub's edge.

Laying a kiss on her forehead, I see her eyes darken. "It'll come back to us." I watch as her wet fingers come out of the water to unbutton my shirt. The top button, the next, the next…coming to the end, she slips it off my shoulders and I lift my arms up as she tugs on my t-shirt. Bare-chested with newly freed arms, I stroke the skin of her neck.

She leans into my touch and her eyes drift shut. Kissing each eyelid, I land on her mouth and she sighs and pulls back. "Jess."

"Hm?"

She looks over at me from her vantage point. "Get in, please." Simple and sweet. How can I refuse a request like that?

Standing, I struggle with my shoes, jeans, and boxers as she just tilts her head and watches me with an amused expression. She's scooting forward to the middle of the tub; I get the message, and climb in behind her. Sitting, my legs are on the outside of hers, and wet skin slides against my own, heightening the feeling of being with her. Turning back to make sure I've settled, she splashes water as she backs into my chest, and I cradle her from behind. She leans her head to the side, and I bend down to nuzzle the skin of her neck. Leaving my lips close to the space behind her ear, I feel her shiver as I kiss her. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Small hands come to grip at my kneecaps and I bend my legs to create more room for her. My arms are tightly wrapped around her, secure just below the curve of her breasts, and right now, it's all about the comfort of touch. She's not making a move to turn this into anything more, and I'm just content with holding her, even if my body is aching just being so close. She's tracing sloppy circles on my knees, and it seems she's just enjoying the moment to play with water like a child. "Oh, I forgot to tell you. I paid your bills with those checks you left, so that's all taken care of."

"Thanks." Oddly amused, I can't believe she's talking about bills when I'm behind her in the bathtub.

"And um, I stacked your mail on your counter."

Dipping down, I nip gently at the curve of her shoulder when I hear that she's still continuing to tell me about mundane day-to-day activities. "Okay." Loosening my grip, I keep one arm around her waist while the other cups her left breast.

"I also returned some phone calls for you. And your dad phoned and I told him that you'd call when you got back."

Brushing a thumb over a nipple, I lean forward. "Rory. I'm giving you some of my best moves and you're still talking."

She giggles. "Sorry." Turning, she catches my lips for a quick kiss. "I just didn't want to forget."

"Thanks, but I'm much more concerned about my wet naked girlfriend."

"Just using me for sex, huh?" She's teasing.

I raise an eyebrow. "Well, you did bring it up." I smirk.

Rolling her eyes, "And you say I make lame and dirty puns."

Pretending to be exasperated, "Are you gonna kiss me or what?"

"Well," she shrugs, "I guess I shouldn't waste the opportunity." She kisses me briefly, only to pull back at my groan. "And you do look pretty cute." Turning around, she's sitting on my lap and water sloshes as she wraps her legs around my waist. Her knees are sticking up awkwardly, and I can't imagine that she's comfortable, but as I feel her tighten her legs all rational thought flies out of my brain.

Now that she's sitting taller than me, I push her down and against me with flat palms on her lower back, and I lean against the shower wall as I continue to kiss her. Her arms are around my neck with an elbow bent against my collarbone, while her hand holds the back of my neck. Bare skin and erect nipples are rubbing at the skin of my chest, and I move her legs so that she can rest fully on my lap. But there's not enough room. "Ow." She pulls away from the kiss.

"Sorry." My voice is hoarse.

"S'okay." Bending down again, she kisses the side of my mouth and the angle of my jaw.

Relaxing beneath her, my blood is rushing towards the one part of my body that isn't getting enough pressure from her. "Rory…" My breath hitches as she suckles on my earlobe. "Can you just, sit down? I'm not…"

Even as I reach out to take a hold of her hips, she doesn't stop. "Nope." Switching sides, she licks at my jugular.

"Hey…stop teasing." I grip her backside just to emphasize my point.

Still ignoring me, she runs her fingers through my hair and tugs gently. She's coming back to kiss me on the lips, and I eagerly return her kiss. Feeling warm lips on mine, I reach up to take her jaw into my hands to apply pressure so that she'll open her mouth. Once I feel her parting her lips, I stroke my tongue against hers—wet, just like us in the tub. I'm getting some of the control back, as she moans into my mouth and I feel her settling down further into my lap. Almost feeling her on me, she seems to suddenly come out of the fog, and she gets up on her knees instead.

Groaning loudly, it reverberates off the tile. "Rory, stop." My head drops back against the wall, and I just lightly hold her hips as I see her grinning impishly down at me. "Geez, what are you doing to me?"

She's snickering, but doesn't say anything else.

Sitting up taller, I pull her flush against my body, grinding into her to show my frustration. She whimpers. Grinning into the kiss, I pull back just slightly. "Payback's a bitch."

Leaning too much of her weight on me, she's starting to slip on the surface. "Jess."

I come up on my knees to match her position, and I feel her try to maneuver her leg around mine. "Out of tub…" I bend down to lick the water off the side of her neck. "Now." Using the side for leverage, I'm starting to stand, but she's still holding onto my shoulders as she kisses my neck. "Ror…"

She nods into my neck and steps out of the tub. For a brief moment, I see hesitation pass through her features and she starts to reach for my towel to cover up. Standing before she has the opportunity, I wrap my arms around her for a hug. She looks up and wraps her arms around my torso. "It's cold."

"Oh." Misreading her need to dry off as uncertainty about being bare, I grab the towel and throw it over her shoulders. "Sorry."

"About what?" Her question is muffled into my neck.

I shake my head. "Nothing." Angling my body, I blow out some of the candles with her still in my arms, and I try to walk her backwards back into the bedroom. "Let's go to bed."

"Hm." Detangling her limbs, she slowly walks into the room with me trailing a step behind. She grins and turns around, tucking the towel securely around her chest.

Standing in front of her, I'm hyper aware of the fact that I'm still naked and I brush some hair off her face and watch it fall back into place. Tipping her chin up with my forefinger, I kiss her and my other hand finds the curve of her hip. She pulls back to give me a quick peck and something lights up her eyes. "Did you have a good time in New York? You haven't said anything about it yet."

"Huh." Going again for another kiss, I position one of my legs between hers. "Really not thinking about that now."

"Oh." She smiles and lets me kiss her again. Longer. Much longer.

I ease her onto the bed, supporting my weight with my forearms. One of her knees bend and she holds me close and somewhere in the back of my mind, I think about how typical this make-out position must seem.

She stops. "What?"

I shake my head and chuckle. "Nothing. Just a random thought." Kissing her again, I brush aside any other feeling besides her. Trailing kisses down her neck, I blindly fumble for the knot of the towel and it falls to the side and offers me full advantage of her breasts. Kissing each once, I scoot down on the bed, and massage them in my hands as I trace my tongue along the circle of her bellybutton.

Squirming, "Jess, you know that tickles." She sputters out laughter as I dip my tongue into the crevice. "Jess…please…" She's full out laughing now, and the sound pierces the silence of the room. "Please…stop."

Tickling the sides of her waist for emphasis, I relent and go back up face to face with her as I feel her knees bend. She's cradling me between her and that feels more intimate than anything else has this evening. Arching up into me, her pelvis hits me just right and I grunt into her shoulder. She licks the side of my mouth and I return her kiss mindlessly as I rock into her. Setting a rhythm, I drop my forehead onto hers and lift myself up on my arms. She's holding my hips and I see her watching our lower bodies, just like I am. Not kissing, but feeling every inch of her beneath me, I grind into her hips and she matches me, movement for movement, push for pull. Her hands are gripping my hips so tightly that I'm afraid she's bruising my skin, but as I feel her arch her back once more, I don't give a shit about anything but her. Bending one elbow, I rest my weight as I suckle her right breast. My fingers find their way down and below her legs and I smile against her as I hear a surprised shriek come out of her. Falling into a steady pace, she moves with me, and I can feel her tightening in response. Increasing the pressure, her body goes rigid and I slow down as I watch her ride the waves of her orgasm.

Rolling off of her, I lay down to her left and prop my head up with my hand. Her eyes are still closed and she's blindly reaching for my hand as she sighs into the pillow. Shaking her head, she grins and looks over at me with bright eyes. Snuggling into the sheets, she flops over and gathers the pillow into her arms. "I missed you."

"Hm." I pull down the sheet to reveal the bare skin of her back. "Ditto."

Moving over closer to me, she smiles and pushes me on my back as she kisses her way down my body. I hiss, feeling her hand take a hold of me, and my eyes close tightly. She's pulling me too close to the edge, and I fumble for her. "Rory…no."

She stops suddenly. "Sorry, did I hurt you?"

Breathing out a laugh, I sit up on my elbows. "No you didn't, but it's just too much, too soon."

"Oh." A pretty pink blush creeps up to her cheeks and I smile at her reaction.

Pulling her body down onto mine, I roll her over and kiss her from above. Her hands are wandering across my back, and she rests her hands on my lower back and massages the muscles there. I hear her murmur something under her breath but I ignore it as I feel her part her legs. Sinking down into her, I stop for a moment. Her hair is a charming mess and the ends are still damp from the bath. I kiss her forehead and feel her breath against my neck. She's wiggling her hips and my eyes roll at the sensation. "Ugh."

"Sorry, I just need…here." She stops and holds my hips with warm fingers.

Nuzzling against the side of her face, I drop my head lower to trace a circle on her shoulder with my nose. Laying my head down to the side for a moment, I see her yawn. "Hey, don't do that."

She turns. "Sorry." Her hand comes to play with the curve of my neck. Smiling, she admits, "You're wearing me out."

I smirk. "Don't fall asleep yet."

"Hm." Her eyes drift shut. "Okay." She turns again so that she's on her back.

I watch her with a smile in my eyes, as I see her settle beneath the covers. Extending a hand, I rub her thigh, feeling the slight hairs on her leg. I brush my hand back and forth, and I angle up to mouth the skin of her breasts. I see her eyes open and darken out of the corner of my gaze. Swirling my tongue against her nipple, I feel her hands tangle in my hair.

"Alright." She grins. "You've got my attention."

Snickering, I return to her breast. The covers are getting all tangled up between our bodies and I feel her wrap her legs around my waist. "Hm." Switching my attentions to her other breast, her chest heaves with a heavy breath. Her legs are tightening around my hips, and every time I brush my tongue against her, she grinds her pelvis into mine. I'm getting close and suddenly I realize that I don't have much time left. Pulling away, I stretch out my hand for the nightstand.

Her legs are still wrapped around me, and she's focusing on just that. Glancing down, I see her biting her lower lip and she's following my movement with her eyes. "Jess?"

"Yeah, hold on a second." Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I dig mindlessly. Not coming into contact with any small package, I lift my head to look over. Sitting up, I move her legs to rest them higher so that I can shift my position on the bed. "Shit!"

"What's wrong?"

My back is boneless and feeling her continual grinding certainly isn't helping. Flopping down on the bed, I cover my eyes with my hand. Defeated, I mutter, "We're out of condoms."

Rolling over, she brings the sheet with her as she lies down on my chest. Resting her head on my sternum, she pries my fingers off my face. "Then it's a good thing I got some the other day, isn't it?"

I lift my brow. "You went and bought condoms?"

She blushes hotly and even I can see it in the dim light. "Yeah."

"Huh."

Refusing to let me embarrass her any further, she appears indignant. "Well, you're lucky I did, Mister. We would've been in an uncomfortable situation if I left it to you, wouldn't we?"

"How did you know we were out?"

"I was putting some stuff away for you the other day. And I just noticed." She shrugs.

I nod. "Ah." Nodding again, I smirk. "Looking to get laid, huh?"

Her mouth drops open and she swats my upper arm. "That's an awful thing to say!" She shakes her head.

Laughing, I wrap my arms tight around her to resist her squirming. "Just kidding."

"No you're not." Her reply is muffled.
I'm about to reply with another off-color comment, but she stops me, slapping a hand over my mouth instead. "Oh my god." She's absolutely mortified at the turn of the conversation. "Can we stop talking about this?"

Still delighted, I decide to drop it for her sake. "Fine." Pushing her up on my chest, I look at her darting eyes. "So?"

"So, what?"

"Where are they?"

"Oh." Climbing off of me, she takes the sheet with her and crouches by her bag in the corner of the room. "Here." Scurrying back onto the bed, she lands right on top of me.

"Umph." I glare at her.

She ignores me. "Serves you right."
Plucking one out of the box, I toss it on the side table and take the box from her hands only to drop it on the floor. I cup her cheeks in my palms and bring her down for a kiss. Working our way back the moment, I can feel my body responding quickly. I'm pressed insistently against her thigh, and she reaches down to grip me. I shudder and break the kiss as I feel her quick downward stroke. Kissing her harder, I maneuver myself on top and I part her legs with my knee. Quickly feeling her with gentle seeking fingers, I pull up to watch her expression. "Yes?"

She nods and grips my biceps. "Yeah." Taking the condom off the nightstand, she rolls it on me herself and gives me a reassuring squeeze when she finishes. Angling her hips up to mine, I enter with a quick thrust and I stop to give her time to adjust. It's been a while and I can feel it as she engulfs me. She's nodding again and her hips are moving away from mine in a signal to me. Resting my body almost on top of hers, skin skims skin every so often as she pushes up into me. Undulating my body, I dip down to capture a nipple in my mouth. Whimpering, she matches my movements and bites down on my shoulder.

Thrusting into her, I see her struggling to catch her breath. I stop as I feel her tighten up. "Relax."

She smiles shakily. "I'm trying."

Giving her a moment, the passion is slipping away from us as I wait for her. Reeling it back in before it evades us completely, I reach my hand down between us in hopes that I can relax her body for her. Coaxing her to unclench, I pull my hand away to concentrate. Long, slow stokes persuade her to loosen up, and she's moving with me once more. Her hands are touching my chest and suddenly she clenches her body. Feeling her tense below pushes me off the edge and I lift her hips as I reach my orgasm. I hear her utter my name as I roll onto my side. Breathing deeply, I turn my head and smile.

She wrinkles her nose at me. "What?"

I can't shake my grin. "Nothing."

"Why are you smiling like that?" She giggles and rests her head on my shoulder.

"I don't know."

"Weirdo." She whispers. "You're so crazy about me." She's making fun.

I look at her seriously. "Yeah."

---

Glancing over at the clock, I realize that I've been watching her for about a half an hour now. It's just past midnight and she's snuggled against me. Inching my way up to sit with my back against the headboard, I smile down at her. It's weird, all of this. I never thought that I would fall in love like this. Certainly not to the point where I sometimes I feel like I can't breathe without her. I trace my finger down the path of her nose and she turns her head away from me. Smirking, I kiss her shoulder blades that poke through the top of the covers.

Hearing a gentle, muted whimper accompanied by the scratch of nails against the door, I quickly climb off the bed to open the door. Adso trots happily into the room and curls up at the foot of the bed. Returning, I pull the blankets over her shoulders so that she won't get cold.

I lean against the headboard and close my eyes. There's nothing more I could ask for. I feel utterly satisfied and for the first time in a while…I feel happy. Content.

Looking down, I see that her hair is obscuring her face, and it falls down her upper back. Sighing, I take a deep breath, and I feel like this is the right thing to do. Reaching over, I pick up my phone from the nightstand and quickly selected Ben's number. Choosing the text message option, I slowly and deliberately type.

Count me in. Call me about the details.

---

"What do you wanna watch?" She asks from the couch while I make the sandwiches. Adso's laying down with his head in her lap and I grab the jar of mayo from the fridge.

"Doesn't matter. As long as it's not Animal Planet."

She turns to look at me over the couch. "Why not?"

"Adso gets all riled up when he sees it."

"Oh." She looks down and asks him instead. "Well, what do you wanna watch? Hm?"

Rolling my eyes, I slice the tomatoes.

"Hey. How about this, Puppy?"

Shifting my weight, I see that she turned it to the Cartoon Network and that Scooby Doo is on.

"No lettuce, please." She yells.

"Okay." Picking it off her sandwich, I add it to mine instead. Licking the excess mustard off my thumb, I grab the plates and balance them as I make my way to the couch to join them. "Ad, off." He jumps down and sits by my feet instead. Settling down next to her, I kiss her cheek.

"Thanks." Hungrily devouring her sandwich, she has a bit of roast beef on the side of her mouth.

I hand her a paper towel and she nods. Taking a bite, I listen to her chuckle at the show. Adso barks in response to her laughter and she giggles even more. Taking the remote off the arm of the couch, I mute it.

"What did you do that for?"

"Rory."

Her smile falters. "Yeah?"

Putting down my plate on the coffee table, I sit back and breathe deeply. "I…had a great time in New York. It was amazing. And I was good at it. Working with the guys was just…I don't even know how to say it."

"That's…great, Jess."

Adjusting my weight on the couch, I tuck one leg under so that I can face her. "Before I left, Ben offered me a job." I drop my eyes; I don't think I want to see her reaction. "And yesterday, I told him yes."

"Oh."

Eager to amend the situation, I'm quick to explain. "It's just that it felt right. And I didn't accept right away. I told him I had to think about it, but when I came home, and that night…" I trail off. "After we, you know, I just sat there and thought about it. And when I looked down at you, sleeping, all of it just felt right. I'm not doing this to leave you, Rory. I don't want that. I don't. I just need to do this for myself. You do understand, don't you?"

She nods.

"It won't be that bad. I can always drive down to see you on weekends. Ben's cool 'bout that kind of stuff. And you can always come up to see me. It's not that far away. You could always take the train up as well."

She nods again and I quiet down. She's pulling off the crust off her bread. "Rory? Please say something."

She looks up and I wince at seeing that her eyes are welling up. "Okay." Speaking louder, she screws up the courage to continue. "Alright."

Surprised, I ask, "Yeah?"

She smiles sadly. "Yeah. We'll just make it…work."

"Okay." Tugging her hand, I earnestly kiss her to let her know how much I appreciate her understanding.

She picks up the remote and turns on the sound again. Keeping an eye on her, I watch her take another bite of her sandwich, though I notice she's chewing slowly and isn't laughing at the show.

---

Picking up the phone, I hit the 'talk' button. "Yeah?"

"Hey man, it's Ben."

"Hey." Slowing my fingers on my keyboard, I turn down the music.

"So, I got your message and I met with my dad this morning. Everything pretty much worked out. Uh, he had no problems with another guy on payroll, and thought it was a great idea once I showed him the work you did for us last month." He pauses. "About the apartment. Just let me know when's a good day for you and I'll make an appointment with the realtors. Dad's already notified them, so they're expecting a call soon."

My eyes widen at the flurry of information. "Yeah, thanks."

"No problem. I'm just glad you decided to come." I hear some noise in his background. "So, I take it you told your girlfriend."

"Yeah."

"And she's okay with it?"

"Yeah." I swivel the chair. "Well, I mean, I think she is. She said she was, but she just seems…off since I told her yesterday. I don't know. I think she just needs time for it to settle in."

"I'm sure it'll turn out fine."

"Yeah."

"Listen, I've got to go. I've got a meeting with this advertising agency that might be doing some promotional stuff for us. Just give me a call when you're ready to look at apartments."

"Alright."

"Don't take too long. We'll need you as soon as you can move."

"Yeah, I know."

---

The door opens I see her slowly closing it behind her. Speaking up, I watch her from the kitchen counter. "Where've you been?"

She looks surprised, but doesn't respond otherwise. "Out."

Rolling my eyes, "Obviously."

She glances at me through a curtain of hair, and appears crestfallen at the sound of my sarcasm.

I exhale. "Sorry."

"No, it's alright. I've been sitting and thinking. I went to this coffee shop around the corner."

"It's after midnight, Rory." Conceding, I tell her what's really on my mind. "I've been worried about you. I called, but you didn't answer."

"Yeah, I accidentally left my phone on the dresser." Walking over, she stands in front of me. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you. I just needed some time to think."

I hang my head. Mildly accusing, I mutter, "I knew you weren't okay with it."

"No, it's not that. I am okay with it." She pauses at my raised eyebrow and amends her comment. "Slowly, becoming okay with the situation. I just needed to gather my thoughts and…" She sighs. "I don't know what I'm saying."

My arms drop to my side and I step forward to fold her into a hug. "I never meant for it to be so hard on you."

"I know." Her voice is muffled against my shirt. "And I'm not blaming you or anything. I'm not even asking you not to go. I know you need to do this, and I'm really happy for you. But…"

"Yeah." I rest my chin on her head.

"I'm really not trying to make things hard for you, Jess. Really."

I sway gently side to side. "I know."

"It's just…how will it work?"

I observe her sad eyes. "How will what work?"

"Us. Long distance. How does that all work?"

Vaguely thinking about Susan, how I came close to trying with her, I really don't know how to answer. "I'm not sure. I've never done long distance."

"What if it gets too hard?"

"Then we'll try harder."

She sputters out a dry laugh. "You make it sound simple."

"Look, I know it'll be hard. I'm not denying that. I just think that if we try and we both want it to work, then…"

She finishes my sentence. "It'll just work, right?"

I smile down at her. "Yeah." Kissing her, my lips linger close. "It's really not that far when you think about it. I looked it up."

"It's not the actual distance, it's the fact that you'll just be far away." She pauses. "When do you leave?"

"Soon."

She nods into my chest.

---

"Jess?" I feel her hand extend beneath the covers.

"Yeah?" My voice is hoarse and I clear my throat. "What time is it?"

"Uh, after three."

"Hm." Closing my eyes, I lie on my back. "What is it?"

"I've been wondering."

Opening my eyes, I see her on her stomach, clutching the pillow to her chest. "Yeah?"

"Why weren't you seeing anyone when we first met?"

"What?"

"Why didn't you have a girlfriend when I first met you?"

Letting my head fall to the side, I rub my face. "You have some crazy thoughts in the middle of the night."

"Come on, just answer."

Closing my eyes again, I mutter. "'Cause I'm a perpetual loner."

"Jess." She pouts.

"Why are you asking?"

"I was thinking about it." A beat passes. "I'll answer any question you want if you answer mine."

Cracking one eye open, I mutter, "But I don't wanna ask you anything." I see her huff in frustration. "Alright." I breathe out loudly. "I wasn't seeing anyone 'cause I had recently got out of a relationship."

"Who? Why didn't you ever say anything?"

I close my eyes again. "I already answered your question. You only get one." I tease her curiosity.

She reprimands me. "Be serious, Jess. How come you've never said anything about that?"

Resting on my side instead, I turn to meet her solemn eyes. "Because."

Rolling her eyes, she scoots closer to me. "Because why?"

"'Cause how I feel about you has nothing to do with that." I lick my lips.

"Why did you break up?"

"She left." I keep it as simple as that.

She presses on. "Why?"

"Doesn't matter why."

"Of course it matters."

I exhale. "It was the…situation. She felt that it was best to leave."

Her brows are drawn tightly together. "That doesn't sound right."

"Yeah well…" I shrug. "It is what it is." My eyes are heavy and I yawn.

"Were you together for a long time?"

"Rory." I rub my eyes with my palm.

"No, I wanna know." Her hand comes up to rest on my stomach.

Rolling onto my back, I hold her hand. "It wasn't a long time compared to other people. But at that time, it was enough for me to consider it long."

"Oh." Her hand's warm in my palm and her chin lands on my chest. "Did you love her?"

Abashed, I tighten my grip on her hand. "Rory."

"What?" She refuses to break eye contact.

"You know I didn't love her."

Quietly, she responds as if she doesn't know how to continue. "How could I know? You've never said anything."

My other hand comes up to cup the side of her face. "But I've already told you that you're the only girl I've ever fallen in love with."

"So, no?"

I shake my head. "No, I didn't love her." But I don't add the fact that I thought I was in love with her. In retrospect, I know I wasn't in love.

"She your age?"

"She's a little bit older. Less than a year."

"Hm."

"Why are you asking about all of this?"

"I just wanted to know."

I comb through her hair using my fingers and close my eyes again.

"What's she like?"

"It doesn't matter, Rory."

Quietly, "Why not?"

"Because I'm with you now." I'm getting a bit exasperated with this.

She's been quiet for the last couple of minutes and I think that she's dropped the subject. Glancing over at her, she looks thoughtful. Her hand comes up to tenderly brush the angle of my jaw and she pulls up to look in my eyes. "You were serious about her and she hurt you, didn't she?"

Breaking eye contact, I look at the ceiling and swallow hard. Minutes pass by and I don't dare to look at her again. Quietly, I breathe out, "Yes."

---

"Wednesday? That's fine. Yeah, I'll drive up for the day. Thanks man." Snapping the phone shut, I set it on my desk.

My head turns as I hear Adso's nails tinkering on the wood floor and I know that he's coming into the study to see what I'm up to. Sure enough, I see him saunter in dragging his blanket between his teeth. He stops, coming within a foot of my chair, and circles the same spot twice before lying down with the tattered cloth beside him. A thought pops into my head, and I roll the chair over by the door. "Rory?"

"Yeah?"

"You busy?"

I hear her footsteps. "No, what's up?"

"I'm checking out apartments on Wednesday. You wanna come?" I pull her down to sit on my lap.

She falls into me with a smile. "Yeah, that sounds fine."

"And about Adso…I'll need you to take care of him again while I move my stuff."

"Yeah, no problem."

Nuzzling her neck from behind, I kiss her shoulder. "Thanks."

"Uh huh." Her head drifts to the side to allow me more room. "Hm." She sighs out a moan.

"Yeah?" I run a finger down the path of a vein.

"Uh huh." Angling around, she kisses me sweetly. Holding her tight against me, I deepen the kiss as I lick her lower lip. She opens up and moans when she feels me tangling our tongues together. Hearing a whimper, she pulls back suddenly to see Adso worming his nose under his blanket.

She laughs. "Maybe we shouldn't do this in front of him."

Licking my lips, I lean forward to kiss her again.

Adso whimpers again. Putting her hands on my face, she stops me. "Seriously Jess…look at him. Poor thing." She turns around to face me, straddling my lap.

"Ad, out." I watch him huff and slowly walk out of the room. Kicking the door shut with my foot, I return my attention back to her. "Now, where were we?"

She snickers.

"Oh, yeah. Right here." Pulling her shirt up, I motion for her to lift her arms.

"You think I'm that easy, don't you?" She bites her lip with a tinkle in her eye. "You have to work at seducing me."

Smirking, "Don't worry. I'm on it."

Her laughter bounces off the walls.

---

"You coming home?" I switch the phone to the other ear.

"Yeah, soon. Maybe in an hour or so."

"Hour?" I stop the knife on the chopping board.

"What's the rush?"

"I'm making dinner."

"Oh." She sounds excited. "What are you making?"

"Lasagna."

"Okay, I'll see what I can do."

Shaking my head, I smile at how she always responds to food. "Alright. Bye." Opening the oven door, I check the food. Taking the garlic bread out, I slip off the oven mitts and cut off a couple slices. Grabbing the remote, I turn off the television and Adso picks up his head in question from the couch. I walk over to select a CD instead, and he barks as the music starts.

The doorbell rings and my head turns. Smirking, I can't believe she came home so soon. She must have been closer than I thought. Pausing the CD, I toss the remote on the couch next to Adso. Opening it, I question with a smirk. "That was fast. Did you forget your key—"

"Hi."

My face falls. "How the hell did you get into the building?"

"Someone left the door unlocked." Susan looks nervous. "Can I come in?"

I block the doorway. "No, I'd rather you not." Glancing down, I notice that Adso's come to sit at my feet, and he growls low in his throat at seeing an old familiar face.

"Hi Adso." She's reaching down to pet him, but he moves away from her hand to poke his head between my knees instead. He whimpers as she tries again to touch him.

"Leave him alone."

She straightens up. "Jess, please let me come in. I won't leave until I talk to you."

Dropping my arm, I walk away into the kitchen with Adso at my heel.

I see her gently push the door closed. "Everything still looks the same."

"Yeah." I lean against the counter.

"When I saw you on the street…that was, out of the blue. I didn't mean to shove all of that on you suddenly. It just that, lately, I've been thinking about you a lot and when I saw you…I don't know. It was like, everything came rushing back."

My eyes are hard and my expression unwavering.

"I miss you Jess." Her head drops down. "And I realize that I scared you off by telling you that day, and I'm sorry."

"It's not that, Susan."

"Then what is it?"

"I don't care that you miss me. I don't miss you."

She mutters under her breath. "That was harsh."

"Yeah well, it was harsh when you left me."

Pulling out a chair, she sinks down. "Don't you think I regret doing it? But, god, Jess…we were so young. How could you expect me to think of marriage and kids and forever when I'm just twenty-two?"

Disgusted, I don't move. "I never asked you to think of forever. I just asked that you let me be a part of your future, as a possibility."

"You're right. You're absolutely right. But I didn't know that until after I left. I'm sorry, Jess. But you were the one who told me that people make mistakes and it's fine. Because we're human."

I shake my head. "I didn't know what I was saying."

She nods sadly and I watch. Smiling, she looks over at me with tears in her eyes. "Remember when we first met?"

I look away. "Don't do this."

She ignores me. "It was at some function that your mom dragged you to. And I was in that stupid dress. I spilled champagne on it and when I went to go clean it off, I tripped over you on the stairs 'cause you were hiding with that book of yours. And I thought, 'Here is someone different.' You weren't like anyone I'd ever met. You had the money, the privilege, and yet you seemed uncomfortable. Like you still didn't belong even if you were born into our world."

Crossing my arms and my ankles, my chin drops on my chest and I whisper, "Stop." Yes, I missed her. Even as I began to see Rory. Hearing Susan tell me that I was different reminds me of how I feel about Rory. She is different. And that was what drew me into her. But…

"I didn't think you'd ever go for a girl like me. I mean, we were so different. I liked flowers and pink and the latest fashion, and you always wore the same pair of Converse sneakers and you were perpetually glued to black clothing. I knew nothing of books. But you still wanted to be with me. And you showed me a new world…one that you escaped to between the pages of your novels when you were bored with real life. You told me that you didn't care where you lived as long as it had wall to wall bookcases." She smiles.

And reluctantly…I grin as well. There is a lot of history with her. She truly was my first real serious girlfriend. Beyond the awkward first kisses, the long phone calls that kids shared in jr. high, and the fumbling of embarrassing dates. She was the first girl that I was comfortable with. I let her into my life, and consequently into my heart. We did have good times. For our first Christmas, even before she was officially my girlfriend, she spent weeks researching book dealers in hopes of getting me a first edition Hemingway. She wasn't successful and was only able to find a third edition. But that was enough to let me know how much she cared about me. That Christmas, I gave her a pair of black Vans slip-ons. They were her first.

"And when your grandmother died…that was intense." She winces at the thought. "You were so depressed. Remember? You wouldn't eat and you couldn't sleep. I took you to the pet store and showed you that golden retriever." She shakes her head. "But you just scowled and told me that you wanted to leave. Afterwards when we drove past the local pound, you asked to stop and we saw this scrawny black lab instead."

Inadvertently, I look down at Adso lying at my feet. He looked so lonely that day. Just sitting by himself in the little cell, he didn't jump up and bark at the people walking by the cages. He was the only one who stayed curled up by his bowl, and when I squatted down for a better look, he just picked up his head and locked those brown eyes with mine. And that's when I knew he was the one.

"And when you first kissed me—"

"Susan."

"—it was…" She sighs. "I don't even know how to explain it."

Squinting in the light, I shake my head. That was in the past. "Susan." My voice returns to its normal volume.

She cuts me off instead by getting up and standing in front of me in the kitchen. "Those were good memories, Jess. You can't deny that."

I lift my head up. "No, I don't deny it. But…" My gaze drops to the counter and I trace a finger along the edge of the sink. "But it's in the past."

"What do I need to do to show you that I've changed?" She's pleading with me.

I shake my head sadly. "I don't need you to do anything."

"Jess, I love you."

My head jerks at the sound of the door. It swings open and I see Rory's hands full of bags. "Hey, I was thinking on Wednesday, maybe we should take Adso up to New York." She backs into the apartment and kicks the door closed with her foot. Too stunned to say anything, it's like I'm watching this happen in slow motion. But she's still moving in normal time. "You know, that way you can see if he'll like your new place." Dropping the bags down, she shakes her hair off her face. Taking in the sight of us in the kitchen, she stops. "Oh."

I can feel my jaw clench.

"Um, hi. I'm Rory." She cautiously walks over to us.

Nodding, "Susan."

Shoving my hands into my pockets, I clear my throat. "Susan used to go to Yale."

"It's nice to meet you." Rory's eyes dart around between the two of us.

Suddenly, it dawns on her. She stares at me, accusingly. "You have a girlfriend." She spits it out bitterly.

Eyes up, I match her gaze. "Yes."

She blows out an irritated breath. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"You didn't ask."

Muttering, she keeps her voice low. "But you let me say all that stuff."

"I didn't ask you to say any of it. You wanted to."

Rory looks very uncomfortable watching all of this play out, but she stays still.

"Jess, I made a fool of myself!"

"You are the one who showed up out of the blue."

"Yeah, but you could have at least said something when I ran into you in New York. A little heads up would have been nice." She's talking as if Rory isn't standing next to her. She's angry and I know she has the right to be.

But so do I. "I didn't tell you about Rory because it's none of your business."

"Like hell it is. You should have said something. Anything."

Angry, I raise my voice. "My being with Rory has nothing to do with you!"

"Yes, it does!" She's shouting.

"No, it doesn't. You're not in my life anymore. And what I do, or who I do it with, doesn't concern you."

Rory's eyes focus immediately at the sound of that. "Jess?" She whispers and starts to reach out to touch my arm.

But I ignore her.

"Jess, what did you think I was getting at, driving all the way down to New Haven to see you?"

Rory's hand comes to grip my elbow.

"I don't know what the hell you're doing."

"You just let me make a fool of myself. Standing here in my ex-boyfriend's apartment, saying that I love you. Shit!"

I make a fist and dig my nails into my palm.

She's on a tirade. "I mean, I run into you on the street. But you walk away, only saying that I hurt you. And yes, I know I hurt you, but I'm sorry, Jess. Can't you get that through your thick skull?"

Adso's barking now; he doesn't do well with yelling, and he's starting to get nervous. Shooting him an angry glare, "Adso, stop!" He whimpers and his tail droops. Rory's bent down to soothe him, and he licks her hand. My eyes soften at the sight, and I wish I could calm down just as easily.

Susan sighs and crosses her arms.

"Please leave."

"What?" She drops her arms.

"Please leave." I repeat myself. "Now."

"Fine." She picks up her purse on the counter and closes the door behind her.

Hearing the door shut, my legs give way and I sink down on the kitchen tile. Adso's come to lick my face, and I bend my knees so that he can sit between them. Rory's standing now, looking down at me, and she appears oddly serene. "So…she's the one."

I know what she means. Closing my eyes, I thump my head against the base cabinet. "Yeah."

"And she's blonde." Pausing, her arms hang awkwardly at her side. "Why didn't you tell me what happened in New York?"

"Because it doesn't matter to me." I cover my face with my hands.

She sits down across from me. "It obviously matters enough for you to get this upset."

"I didn't know she would come here. I thought I saw the last of her."

Nodding, "She wants you back."

"I don't want her."

She's picking at her cuticles. "She's very…pretty."

Scoffing, "Didn't notice."

"You have a lot of history with her."

"Inevitable."

"She left you…why?"

Exhausted, I don't have the strength to evade. "She got a job offer in New York. She didn't think we would work out with the distance. And she left."

Her eyes widen. "Wow, talk about irony."

Dryly, "Yeah, I'm well aware of the obvious parallels."

"You wanted to make it work with her, didn't you? You wanted to stay together."

I shake my head. "She didn't." There's no need to affirm the fact that I had, indeed, wanted to at least try to make things work with Susan.

"What would have happened if you guys stayed together when I met you? We would have never dated."

I reach for her hand. "Who cares? It didn't happen that way." Closing my eyes, I just feel her fingers between mine and let the minutes pass by.

"I can't believe…I ever thought…" Pulling her hand away, she stands. "Jess, I can't do this."

My head whips around at the sound of that. Apparently while I had taken the last couple of minutes to calm down, she did the exact opposite. "Do what?"

"This."

Annoyed, I wish she'd just get to the point. "This, what?"

She raises her voice. "This! Us." Shaking her head, "I can't do it."

"What?"

"Seeing all this and listening to you…I don't know what I was thinking."

Rubbing my face, I cannot believe she's doing this now. "Rory, you don't mean it."

"Yes, I do."

Getting on my feet, I stand. "You're just freaked because of what happened right now."

"No, it's not just that."

"Then what is it?"

"It's New York City. It's you." Her hands gesture quickly between our bodies. "That's what it is! It's far."

My eyes narrow at her pathetic fumble for an excuse. "It's not that far away. You know that. You can take the train, or I can drive down to see you."

"This is not even about distance anymore! It's not about driving or the train. It's about proximity. It's about us. I don't even feel like I know you anymore! It's all just changing!"

Grasping for straws, I reach out for her, but she backs away. "Rory, it'll be fine. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Susan earlier, but I just felt that was in the past and you're my present. The two just doesn't mix in my head. We'll make it work. Please don't do this. Not now." I sound like a broken record.

"No. I was right before." She hugs herself protectively. "Being away from you for a month was too long. We won't survive being so far away indefinitely. And you've changed."

"I haven't changed." I'm defensive. "You aren't sure that we won't survive. You haven't even tried."

"It'll be better to end things now. Before it gets complicated."

And that sends me around the bend. "Fuck, complicated! It's too late for that. This isn't our first date or our first week of seeing each other. It's been nearly a year!"

"Not yet."

I roll my eyes. "Stop it, Rory. Don't do this to me."

"No, don't tell me what to do!" She stomps her foot childishly.

Seeing her do that stops me. Right in the middle of my thoughts. It startles me beyond any of her surprising words. I realize what I told Ben about feeling that she's not ready was true. She's still so much like a child. Young and yet, not young. Mature but not quite there. She really isn't ready for us. I was right. Calmly, "Think about what you're saying."

"I've already thought about it."

I close my eyes. "You're going to throw us away because you're getting a little insecure?"

"Don't tell me how I feel."

Exasperated, I throw up my hands. "Damn it Rory, I'm not telling you how you feel. I just can't believe you changed your mind so suddenly."

"I didn't change! This was always in the back of my mind."

"So you were thinking of leaving even when you told me that you wanted to stay together?"

"You're the one who's leaving." She mutters under her breath.

"Not that again!"

"It's not." Biting her lip, she pauses. "I understand that you need to do this. I get it! I'm not asking you to give it up and stay. But maybe this is just something you need to do by yourself."

I shake my head and the response comes from low in my throat. "Don't make my decisions for me."

"I'm not. I just think that maybe I need to figure out what I need to do as well."

Bitter, "And you need to do that alone, right?"

"Well," she crosses her arms, "Maybe."

"And what brought on this sudden need for soul-searching?"

"You got me to thinking…about my future, about everything."

"So this is my fault?"

"It's no one's fault!"

"Then why are we breaking up?"

"I just think it's not a good time now."

"And who are you to make that decision for us?" I rub the bridge of my nose. "Things will never be the perfect time, Rory. Perfect timing doesn't exist. You just make the best out of the situation."

"You just don't see it, Jess. You'll need time alone, and you certainly don't need to worry about your girlfriend who's stuck in New Haven."

"Why are you doing this? You're being irrational!"

"No, I'm not! I'm not! I just can't be your girlfriend any more." Her eyes glaze over and I see her scrambling for an explanation just to get out of this conversation. "I don't love you."

Hearing that is like a dull rusty razor slicing through my skin. "What did you just say?"

Her head bows and she stops. But she's already said it and I know she won't back down. It's who she is. She's the kind to say something and stick to her guns, no matter how foolish her statement is. She squares her shoulders and straightens her spine but hesitates and stutters. "I said I don't…love you."

She doesn't mean it. I know it. I can see it in her eyes. But she said it to hurt me and it does. It hurts. She wants out and I can't do anything but give her what she wants. "Fine." I turn my back to her and brace my hands on the counter. "Leave."

Her hand reaches out for my shoulder and I flinch away. "Jess..."

"Leave, damn it!" I turn and see that she's crying. "Just go!" I hear quick footsteps out of the apartment and the gentle closing of the front door.

I turn around slowly and I feel my vision becoming hazy. My body seems to be moving on its own accord without permission from my brain. I want to sit but I can't seem to bend my knees. I want to scream but my voice isn't coming at my command.

My legs finally give out and I sink down to the floor again.

Adso has walked over and now puts his head on my thigh.

I rub my face.

My eyes are wet.

I didn't even notice.

She's left.

And that's that.

---

The oven timer beeps.

Lasagna's ready.

---

AN: Read? Review. Please keep in mind my author's note above about the issue of time. Be patient, and I promise that the story will be finished. Thanks.