Lux et Veritas

by knowhere

Literati. Rory, a college freshman, meets a confident adult Jess for the first time. What happens when the circumstances are changed? AU

17. Actuality

Lux et Veritas

Chapter 17: Actuality

Author: Knowhere

Rating: R

Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me.

AN: This chapter was particularly hard to write. The transitions of emotions and etcetera were hard to pinpoint. However, in the end, I'm happy with the way things naturally developed. Enjoy!

Please make all my time and effort worthwhile…review when you're done. Thanks.

The beginning picks up right were we left in C16: Commitment. Refresh the last half of that chapter if you so desire.

Asa: As always, thank you.

Summary: Literati. Rory, a college freshman, meets a confident adult Jess for the first time. What happens when they discover each other? Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors. AU.

---

The apartment's dark and I'm still sitting on the floor of the kitchen. How long ago had she left? My lower back is killing me and the hardness of the tiles feels like a knife cutting into my tailbone. My legs are numb from the knees down and I can barely feel the tips of my fingers. I'm concentrating on the steady beating of my heart and I now realize that I'm alive and awake and that this is actually happening. No, I shake my head, no, this isn't happening.

No.

I'm going to wake up any moment and sit up in bed and see that all this is just a dream. A nightmare. I'm going wake up and take several deep breaths and rub my eyes and then I'm going to turn around and see that she's not gone. She's going to be lying there in my bed, peaceful and beautiful. And once I realize that it's all in my mind, I'm going to slowly lie back down and reach out to touch her face and it'll all be okay. She'll stir and wake up and give me a sleepy smile and a lazy kiss. It's all going to be okay. It's going to be okay. It's just in my head. I'm not sitting in my kitchen. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not.

It's okay.

I'm okay.

I'm going to wake up.

She's going to be right next to me.

This is simply a cruel joke I'm playing on myself.

This isn't happening.

This isn't real.

No…

No.

No…

I bang my head against the counter in hopes of waking my body so that it can catch up with my mind, but instead I see stars. Suddenly I can't breathe. I can't catch my breath as I really see the situation. My eyes cloud over and bile rises in the pit of my stomach. Quickly shooting up to my feet, I turn around and throw up into the sink. The bitter taste is awful but I hardly feel it. My knees give way and I clutch the sink with white knuckles. Oh god…

---

There's a feeling of emptiness, a void that can't be explained nor filled. I sit in an empty apartment listening to the ticking of the clock. Each second booms and I resist putting my hands over my ears to cover the sound. At least I can understand the source of the sound and I know that if I covered my ears the pain would stop. The noise reverberates off the walls and onto my body. But I don't move even as the sound hurts. The physical pain is a welcomed sensation to the pain within my bones. It starts within my bones and travels into the muscles. From there it leads to the ends of my nerves and makes me feel like I'm on fire but I'm freezing cold. I want to scream just to stop the silence, but I also want the noise outside my window to stop so I can have a moment of stillness. I know how to stop physical pain. It's an easy drill; I was taught as all children are told at a young age. Stay calm. Put pressure on the wound. Call 911. But this hurt…the one inside…I have no idea how to stop it and it's scaring the shit out of me. It scares me more than the thought of being alone and it frightens me that I'm scared. I'm terrified that I'm so fucking scared…

---

It's been a long time since I've had a cigarette. I always fancied myself as a casual smoker, whatever the hell that meant. In all honesty, I use cigarettes as an outlet for stress. I haven't smoked in a long time, owing to the fact that I knew she wasn't exactly a fan of me blackening my lungs prematurely, but who cares now?

The smoke curls from the tip of the burning tip and I watch it make its lazy journey, disappearing and mixing with the air around it. Leaning back, the wall supports my back. In the corner of my bedroom, I find peace.

Inhaling deeply, I close my eyes.

---

The door is ringing. "Come in!" Realizing that it's not the doorbell, I trip over the laundry basket to reach the intercom. "Yeah?"

"Jess. It's your dad."

Buzz.

I unchain the lock and leave the door open.

Dirty, unshaven, and unfocused, I walk over to the kitchen to grab the bottle of Absolute. I take a generous swig and make a face as it burns its way down my throat.

"Jess, what the hell? I've been standing downstairs for over ten minutes." Dad walks in and closes the door behind him only to turn around and stop at the sight of my apartment.

I know what he sees. Even though I'm pissed drunk right now, I know why he looks so surprised. Books are scattered all over the floor, clothes are divided among piles, and every CD and movie I own is resting in stacks on the kitchen table. I got the overwhelming desire to start packing after she left my apartment a couple days ago, but then I found a twelve pack of beer and my concentration switched. When I finished the beer I discovered a large bottle of vodka in my pantry. It's been my friend ever since. Eyebrows raised, Dad steps over my mound of contemporary novels.

"I take it you didn't get the job?"

Swiveling around, I grip the counter so that I won't fall down. "Nope. Got the job. I'm packing for it."

"That's great, Jess."

"Yep." I blow across the top of my bottle and it whistles. Tilting my head back, I take another shot. "Got the job. Lost the girlfriend."

Immediately, his demeanor changes. "Son…I'm sorry." He's coming over and I can see even through my alcohol-induced fog that he's about to hug me.

"Hey, hey. It's okay. I'm alright." I put down the bottle onto the counter and ward him off by waving my hands. "No need to feel sorry for me. Nope. No need. I've got this new job that I'm good at. I'm moving into a new apartment. I'm getting the fuck out of New Haven and I'm doing it all by myself. Me. And I don't need anybody's help. I don't need anyone."

Dad is watching me with narrow eyes. "Jess."

"Nope. I'm okay. Do you know why? Because I finally get it. I really do." I gesture randomly with my hands.

"What is it that you get?"

"What?"

"You were saying that you finally got it. What is 'it'?"

"Oh, right. I'm not made for relationships. I suck at them. And do you know what else?" I pick up the vodka again to take another gulp. "I found out that I don't need them. Who needs a girlfriend?" I shrug. "Nope, not me. You just need some causal sex once in a while. That's it. Get laid once in a while to take the edge off, but who really needs a girlfriend? Who needs all that commitment shit? I certainly don't. Nope. I don't need to worry about what we're eating for dinner or what time I need to set the alarm for her because I like being on my own. I can make my own decisions at the very last minute and wake up whenever the hell I feel like it. I've learned my lesson."

He comes forward and takes the Absolute out of my hands. "I never wanted you to learn that lesson." He pours it down the drain.

"Hey! That's mine."

"You look like you've had enough."

"Never enough."

He looks down at me and glares. "You're drunk at nine in the morning. I'd say that's enough alcohol."

"Sure." I nod. "No problem. I think I still have some beer somewhere. And cough medicine that's like, twenty percent alcohol. That'll give me some kinda buzz."

Grabbing my shoulder, he shakes me. "Jess, snap out of it."

"Hey careful, that's my favorite t-shirt."

"Come on." Dragging me by my arm and waist, he's walking me towards the bedroom and into the bathroom. Shoving me into the shower, he turns the cold water on full blast.

"Shit! Fucking shit!" I try to get out, but he's holding me still. "Let go of me, damn it!" He pulls back and I scramble to turn off the tap. Shaking my wet hair, I reach for my towel. "God, what the hell is wrong with you?"

His eyes are unwavering. "Take a hot shower. Sober up. I'll get some food." And with that, he closes the door behind him.

---

Out of the shower, water is dripping from my hair down to my neck, and I shake it out of my face. Rubbing my eyes, I notice just how messy my apartment really is. Dad has apparently come back and he's leaning against the kitchen counter with burgers and fries. "Here." He hands me a bottle of water. "Drink this before you eat."

Taking it from him, my mouth feels fuzzy and I finish the entire bottle. "Thanks."

He shakes his head and motions to the food. "Eat."

I make a face. "I don't feel like eating."

"Eat."

"Fine." Grabbing a couple of fries, I take a bite. Scarfing down the burger, I realize that I can't remember the last time I ate. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Dad watching me and I hate that I see pity in his eyes. Even from my own dad, I don't like seeing it.

"Jess…"

Mouth full, I hold up my hand. "Don't say it."

"Don't say what?"

"Don't say whatever it is that you're thinking." I scowl. "And for god's sake, don't pity me. I'll be fine."

"Oh, shut up, will you?" He matches my scowl. "I don't fucking pity you. You're my son. Of course I'm going to be worried about you. I know you don't handle these kinds of things very well."

"What things?"

"You know," he gestures, "these kinds of things."

"Just spit it out." I take another bite. "You were going to say I don't handle breakups very well."

"No." He stops my hand from going for another fry. "You don't handle disappointment very well."

"What are you going on about?"

"Remember when you were a kid and your best friend moved away right before you two were going to go to camp for the summer? I got a call almost every other day from the counselors telling me that my son has either got into a fight, tried to run away, or is hiding somewhere around the lake."

Frowning, I dip the fry into a mixture of salt and pepper. "I was six."

"And then there was the time where we thought we might get one of the neighbor's newborn puppies, and when they decided to keep them instead, you threw rocks and almost broke two of their windows."

"I was a kid. I really wanted a dog."

"And oh, when you were even younger, you asked for a brother or sister to play with, but never got one, you refused to talk to me or your mom for almost three weeks. You just kept on talking to that imaginary friend of yours, and we'd find you down the street at the park in the middle of the night, swinging with your 'friend.'" He makes air quotes.

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm just stating the fact that when you expect something, and it doesn't happen…you go a little crazy when you're let down."

Gathering the wrappers, I walk over to the trash. "Don't worry, Dad. I'm not about to slit my wrists over a girl."

He rolls his eyes. "I didn't say you were suicidal." He's watching me clean up the kitchen. "Jess…come on. Just stop for a second."

"What do you want from me, Dad? Huh?" I'm suddenly angry and I can't stop it. Throwing down the rag I was using to wipe down the counter, I turn on the facet to rinse a dish instead. "What the fuck do you want me to say?"

"Jess."

"She left me! Just fucking left. She gave me some bullshit excuse about me needing time by myself once I got to New York. I thought she was fine with everything until that night. And she just exploded on me." Pausing, I pick up the sponge on the side of the sink. "Well no, that's not true. I knew it in my gut that something was wrong. It was all just too easy." I turn the water over to hot. "Just all way too easy. She just said 'okay, we'll make things work.' And I knew, I fucking knew that there was no way it could be so easy. I was waiting for some kind of flip-out or crying or something…but nothing. And I let my guard down. I thought that maybe everything was going to be okay. Maybe it would work out."

"Jess."

Furious, I pay no attention to his voice. "I should have never got involved with her. I knew she was too young. She just isn't ready for anything serious. Hell, I'm not ready. I'm not cut out for relationships. Who was I kidding? Who do I think I am? But I thought that if I wanted to try and she wanted to try…then at least we could try. Try to make things work. I'm such a fucking idiot."

"Jess."

"And god! Just what the hell is happening to me? Susan shows up at my door saying that she loves me, and that she wants to get back together. For a moment, I have Susan and Rory standing right in front of me. And when Susan leaves…bam! All of a sudden Rory's flipping out, saying stuff, as if it'll be good for the relationship, when all I'm doing is trying to convince her that she's worrying for no reason and that nothing needs to change. But she's so damn stubborn. She just gets an idea in her head and no one can knock it out. Not even her."

"Jess."

Rotating, I sneer and slap away his hand. "Stop saying my name. Stop trying to calm me down."

"Son…"

Demoralized and defeated, I stop. My knees buckle and though my hands are still wet in the sink, I fold forward and my forehead thumps against the edge. My legs feel as heavy as lead, and I can't straighten my back. I feel the water running over my hands, and I clench my fists, but I grab at nothing but air. Taking a deep breath, I open my eyes to concentrate, but the sight of the counter is swimming before me and I feel hot tears building at the back of my throat. Opening my mouth, I can't seem to gulp in air, and my lungs are screaming. I feel like I'm burning and drowning all at once. My forearms are becoming bruised at the odd angle that I'm holding my body's weight. Somewhere behind me, I hear Dad shuffling his feet. I can feel his presence behind me. Ashamed and so embarrassed, I just can't find my voice. But he's not touching me. He knows that even if I need someone to hold me, to hug me…he's not the one I want it from. Quietly, so softly, I feel like I'm choking. "She said she didn't love me. She said it."

I feel Dad's hand come to grip the back of my neck, holding tightly, as I loose control.

"Oh god…"

---

Fuck.

My head is throbbing. How the hell did I end up on the bed?

Adso's nosing my face, and I gently push him aside. "Go, go play." Instead of listening to me, he plunks his head down on my stomach. "Umph." He barks once, but it's enough for it to ring in my ears. "No barking, Ad. Please." He stops and huffs out a grunt instead.

I turn my head on my pillow and rub my face. My mouth feels like it was stuffed with cotton. Swiping my tongue over my lips, I'm incredibly dry and if only I had a bottle of water within my reach…Something catches my eye and it's one of my old t-shirts poking out under a pillow. Stretching for it, I feel the soft cotton between my fingers. She's been wearing it for the last couple of months. She had this odd habit of shoving her pajamas under her pillow after she changed in the morning and I always wondered about it, but she said that it's just easier to locate when she's tired at the end of the day.

Pulling it out from under the pillow, I bring it up to the light to examine it. Closing my eyes, I can still smell her body wash lingering on the shirt. It smells clean but not fruity or heavily perfumed. Simple and crisp. That's what she smelled like. God, thinking about her in past tense is depressing. Rolling onto my side, I keep the shirt in my grasp. The last time I took this shirt off of her was just the other morning. I woke up and she was straddling my lower abdomen with a mischievous grin. I had rubbed away the sleep in my eyes and held her gently by the waist. She whispered into my ear and…

I need to get out of this bed.

Now.

There are simply too many memories.

Throwing off the covers and swinging my legs over to the side, I take a moment holding my head in my hands. God, I need to find some aspirin. Gingerly peeling off my shirt, I rummage through the drawer for another. The only thing I can find is an old Tool shirt that's snug, but it's clean and I don't have the strength to worry about it.

The apartment's cold from the morning air and I pause by the thermostat to turn on the heat. It rumbles to life and I pad my way slowly into the kitchen. There's nothing in the fridge except for some beer and half-empty containers of old take-out that I don't remember eating in the first place. The side cabinet opens with a creak and I find a package of instant oatmeal. There's only one clean bowl and I rip open the oatmeal and stir in some water. Waiting for the microwave, I half-heartedly fill Adso's food to the brim with kibble. He's nowhere to be found and I assume he's still lounging in the warm bed.

The bland taste of oatmeal settles my stomach but my head still feels fuzzy and incoherent. The phone's ringing and I reach across the counter to grab it. "Hello?" My voice is croaky and I barely recognize it as my own.

"Jess? You alright?"

"Yeah." I take another spoonful of artificially flavored peach oatmeal. "Yeah, I'm fine." What the hell does that mean anyways? I'm fine? Fine with what?

He's pausing and I can tell he doesn't believe me. "Yeah, well I just wanted to call and make sure that you got up okay."

I can't help the roll of my eyes. "I didn't poison myself to death with alcohol if that's what you're worried about."

"You were pretty out of it when I put you into bed last night."

So that's how I got there. "I bet."

"Son, if there's anything you need…"

"I just want to be by myself right now, Dad." I falter for a moment. "Did you…did you tell Mom?"

"Yes, I did. She asked where I was."

I close my eyes. "I bet she had a lot to say." I don't mask my tone of annoyance. She's always hinted at my lack of ability to retain a steady girlfriend.

He sighs. "Jess, she's just worried about you. That's it."

"Yeah." I don't believe him.

His voice rings out clear. "It's true."

"Okay." I don't want to fight about it.

"Maybe I'll just drop by tonight with some dinner, huh?"

I shake my head. "No. I'll be all right. I can take care of myself. Don't worry."

"Okay." He's hesitating. "But call if you need anything."

"Yeah." I hang my head and whisper, "Thanks Dad."

"Bye."

Click.

---

I reach to grab the phone off the coffee table. "Yeah?"

"Jess? It's Ben. Where the hell have you been? I've been calling your cell."

"Sorry."

"You were supposed to come up yesterday to look for an apartment but you never showed. You alright?"

"Um, yeah."

"What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Well, can you come up today?"

"It doesn't matter. Just find a place for me that's near Dog-Eared."

"Well, you have to come see it."

"No, I don't care. Just find one for me."

"I can't just choose an apartment for you."

"Just find one, damn it!"

He pauses. "Jess, what's going on?"

"Nothing."
"I thought you were coming up with your dog and your girlfriend to find a place."

"Just find a place that'll let a dog in the apartment."

"And the girlfriend…?" He's hedging.

I sigh. "Just me and the dog."

"Oh." He doesn't ask and he doesn't dwell. "Okay, I'll take care of it for you."

"Thanks." I toss the phone to the other end of the couch.

---

I slide the shower door open as I shed my clothes. Stepping under the hot stream, I brace my hands on the wall, fingers gripping at smooth tile. Reaching for my shampoo, I blindly let the water wash over my head, matting my hair down. Popping the lid, I squirt a generous dollop and scrub it into my hair. Suddenly, I stop. Blinking through the foam that's stinging my eyes, I realize that I've grabbed her shampoo by mistake. Why didn't I see this earlier?

I wrench my eyes away from the nondescript bottle and grit my teeth as the smell over powers my senses. How many times have I buried my face in her hair at night, in the shower, randomly during the day, only to find myself calmed by the clean crisp scent? But now, it makes me nauseous. Bile raises up in the back my throat, and I vigorously scour my hair, ridding her scent off my body.

Quickly turning off the shower, I step out only to see that I'm gripping the bottle in my right hand. Angry, I throw it into the wastebasket with so much force that it tumbles over and the shampoo breaks and leaks all over the floor. Rubbing my wet face, I feel sick all over again. Kneeling in front of the toilet, I dry heave, but nothing comes.

Sitting down on the bathroom mat, I shut my eyes.

---

"Jess? I found a place for you. Three blocks down from my apartment, it's nice. High ceilings, it feels like a loft, but has much more open room. Two rooms, one bath. It's almost better than mine."

I scrunch my face and turn down the television to concentrate on the phone. "How much is that costing me?"

"Cheap. Told you my dad knew guys in real estate. Don't worry 'bout it."

"Are you doing me a favor or paying for it?" Ben comes from my socioeconomic world, and I know that he would do anything for a friend. Even if it means paying for it himself.

"None of your business." I imagine he's smirking. "All you need to know is that I found you a great place and that you move in next Friday. But you can't bring your dog right away. I'm…working on the landlord."

"Ben, don't make any hassles. I'll just find another place. Doesn't have to be this one."

"Of course it has to be this one. It's fucking great. Seriously. I'll just lean on the guy a bit, but it'll take some time. Give me until, like, the end of the month. Then you'll be able to move in your dog as well."

"What am I going to do with him for a month?"

"It won't be that long. What did you do with him when you were up here last time?"

"I had her take care of him."

"Oh." He pauses. "Well, don't you have anyone else who can watch him?"

I sigh. This really isn't what I want to be doing right now. "I'll call around."

"'Kay." He hangs up.

---

The bed is cold and I stare wide-eyed at the ceiling. Just one week ago, she had snuggled her way into my side as I kissed her forehead. Our muted whisperings spoke of our day and other menial things that meant nothing. But we were happy. I thought we were happy.

How could she?

Rolling over, I reach out to touch the empty side of the bed. Nothing.

Blinking, I realize that there is no one a person can rely on. No one. The world's cold and in the end, love means nothing.

---

"Alice, please. I just need this favor. You've watched him before."

"Yeah well, that was before my allergic boyfriend moved in with me."

I switch the phone to the other side. "Come on, it can't be that bad. I don't have anyone else."

"What about your parents?"

I roll my eyes. "They're gone until next month."

"Where did they go this time?"

"Austria or Australia or Amsterdam. I don't know; I wasn't listening."

"Sorry, Jess. I can't take him."

Sighing, "Yeah, alright."

"Hey, how about asking Mike?"

"Can't. He lives in a shoebox. And plus Adso weighs like, sixty-five pounds. He'll tear his place apart."

"What about that girl that was in our class…what was her name, Beth?"

I make a face. I would really rather keep away from her. "Uh, I don't think so."

"Why? She always seemed to like you."

"Yeah, that's why it's not a good idea to ask her."

"Ah, I get it. Beating them away with a stick, huh?" She teases.

"Shut up."

"Hey, I would have asked you out as well if you weren't dating that blonde thing when I first met you."

"If you break up with your allergy guy, let me know, huh? That way you can take Adso."

"Oh shove it, Mariano."

I smirk.

"I'll let you know if I think of anywhere else. The problem is finding someone with a place big enough. Seriously, you're lucky you have a big apartment. What you really need is some farm to send him to."

"And by farm, you mean put him to sleep? Kill my dog?"

She snickers. "No, I mean a real farm. Or at least some open area. It's not good for him to be cooped up in an apartment all day."

"Alright, just call me if you find someone, okay?"

"Okay."

---

Ring once, ring twice…I take a deep breath and pray that I can leave a message instead.

"Yeah, hello?" His voice booms through the phone.

"Hey, Luke. It's Jess." I'm met with silence and I awkwardly add, "Your nephew."

He pauses. "Jess."

My eyes dart around. "Yeah."

"What do you want?"

"I uh, need to ask a favor of you."

"What?"

"Well, I move the day after tomorrow and I can't take my dog until two weeks from now. I just, haven't quite settled things with the landlord yet."

"And…?"

I sit down. "I was hoping you could take him." I'm quick to add, "Just for two weeks. Maybe even less if I can talk the guy into letting me bring Adso sooner. Really, I just need some place for him to sleep for the time being."

"Can't you just put him in some dog kennel?"

"I've done it before and it didn't work out. Adso freaked out being cooped up, he caught some sort of skin allergy from the other dogs, and he refused to eat practically anything the entire time I was gone. I had to fly home early because the kennel people were saying that they weren't responsible for anything if Adso refused to eat."

"Jess, I don't know if it's a good idea."

"I wouldn't be asking you if it wasn't important. You're literally my last option." There are limits to the pleading I'll do for myself, but when it comes to my dog, there's nothing I wouldn't do for him.

"I know. It's not that I don't want to help you, it's just that…well, the situation is not the best."

Ah. News travels quickly. "You heard." I don't need to specify what.

"Yes."

I nod bitterly. "And now you hate me."

"No…I don't hate you." He pauses. "Jess, I told you. I warned you at Christmas. This girl is like my daughter. And I know you're my nephew, but…"

"You're closer to her. I get it." I sigh.

"Jess, you're still family. And I just don't know what's happening, that's all. No one really does."

"It's…complicated." I pick at the lint on my pants. "Luke, I know I'm asking a lot from you. But, please, I really need this favor."

He sighs and hesitates. "Alright."

"Okay?"

"Yeah. But try and get him early."

"Thank you. Really, thanks, Luke."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Can I bring him down next week? Tuesday?"

"Yeah, that's fine. Around three o'clock or so."

"Thanks, Luke."

---

Adso's tags jingle as he hops down from the passenger side and he trots over to me as I cross the street. His tail wags playfully and he pants with wide eyes and a big smile. I peek through the windows trying to get Luke's attention. He lifts his eyebrows and walks around the counter to open the door.

"Hey Luke."

"Jess." He looks down.

"You remember Adso."

"Yeah. He stayed at Lorelai's last time."

"Yeah."

"You probably want to come up and give me all the stuff he'll need, but it's just…" He looks a little nervous.

"What?"

"It's just that I didn't tell Lorelai about you calling or the fact that I'm watching your dog."

"Oh."

He gestures with his hands. "She's here, Jess. She's been here for about a week."

"What?"

"She's been staying at home."

"Oh. Is she…here now?"

Luke looks entirely uncomfortable with all of this and he shrugs. "I don't know. Maybe. Give me about an hour before you take him up to the apartment. I'll see what I can do."

I glance into the diner and nod. "Sure, okay." I whistle and Adso's ears perk up from ten feet away. Jerking my head to the side, he gets the picture and comes at my call. "I guess…I'll just come back later."

"Okay." Gruffly, he turns and the door shuts behind him.

Sighing, I close my eyes for the briefest of moments and look down to see Ad plop himself down on the diner stoop. "Come on Buddy." It's a cloudy day today with ominous darkness over the horizon. It looks like it might rain by tonight, if not earlier. I briefly contemplate whether or not I should go back to the car to get a leash, but he's being good and staying right by my feet. Crossing the street, there's some people setting up what looks to be a carnival booth in the center of the town, and I avoid the people's questioning looks by ducking my head down. Walking around them, I pass by the modest park and spy the slightly beaten path that leads to the bridge. Having been there once before, I shove my hands in my pockets and let my feet retrace the steps. Adso has taken the opportunity to explore and he trots back and forth, weaving from left to right, sniffing odd bits of bark and rocks.

The wood beneath my feet is muted as I tread to the middle and sit down with my legs dangling off the edge. Adso's nails tinker on the surface and he sits down next to me. I breathe out, letting the full effects of my emotions wash over me. I've distracted myself with packing and preparations for my move, not for once second letting the reality catch up with me. Pushing myself to my limits, I've fallen asleep in my bed these days, utterly exhausted for my brain to think of anything else. But right now, in the quiet and the gentle sloshing of the water, I can't avoid the situation. Biting down hard on my lower lip, I can barely feel it, the pain a welcomed feeling to the numbness I feel inside. A blur of black runs across my vision and I notice that Adso's suddenly picked himself up and run across the bridge. "Ad?"

He's barking wildly, happy and very much like the puppy that he is. Getting to my feet, I'm about to chase after him when I hear a voice. "Adso? What are you doing here?"

Frozen, I stand and wait for the inevitable. She's walking towards me, and Adso gallops back to me. With his tail wagging a mile a minute, he circles the closing space between us and barks when she stops short a couple feet away. "Hey." Her voice comes out crackled and it breaks the moment.

I nod, feeling my defensives going up. I notice that she's casual in jeans and a t-shirt, and instead of feeling the usual tingle within my body, I feel numb. She hurt me and I can't see past that.

"What…" She looks around as if the trees are going to tell her. "What are you doing here?"

"Luke."

"Luke?" She's staying still with her arms jutting out awkwardly from her pockets.

"What? Did you think I was here to see you?" I reply with venom on my lips.

I watch her swallow. "Guess not."

Shaking my head bitterly, I look down. "Adso; let's go." I see him reluctantly getting up, but not before going over to her legs to give her a friendly sniff at her shoes. "Now." He concedes and obeys.

"Jess…" Her voice is small like a child's and for some reason it sets me off. I don't like how she's playing the victim when she's the one who ended things.

"Don't." I warn her as I pass by.

Jerking out of her stillness, she follows a few steps. "Jess, wait." Her reaches out for my elbow.

Pulling back, I narrow my eyes at her. "What the hell do you have to say to me? What could you possibly have to say, Rory?"

"Well, I don't know exactly, but…"

"Yeah, that's what I thought." I turn.

"Jess! Stop."

I face her. "Don't worry, I get it. We're over. Done."

Her face falls. "That's it?"

I snort. "If you don't remember, you're the one who ended things. So don't give me that innocent Bambi routine and make it about me."

She's getting annoyed. "I'm not giving you any kind of routine."

"Fuck you."

Hands on hips, her voice raises. "Oh, how very mature, Jess. 'Fuck you.' Yeah."

Joining her anger, I speak louder as well. "Don't even get me started about being mature."

"Oh? That's just how it works with you, isn't it? Nothing's your fault. You, with your secrets and your brooding thing, which, by the way, isn't as sexy as you might think."

"And you with your little innocent small-town girl thing? You think that's what guys want? That's what you do isn't it? Pretend you don't know what to do and then when things get tough, you pull away citing that you got scared."

"Hello Pot? This is Kettle. My, how black you're looking today!"

"Give me a break." I roll my eyes. "I'm not the one who insisted that long distance relationships wouldn't work out. I wanted to give it a chance. You're the one who shot it down. You! Not me!"

"And a lot you did to help! Secrets, always so many damn secrets! Hiding the fact that you were talking to your ex-girlfriend and even the entire fact that you were moving. Moving, Jess! How could you just pick up and go?"

I sneer. "Excuse me for wanting to do something good for myself. What a fool I was to believe that you would support me."

"You don't want someone to support you. You want someone you can pick up whenever the hell you want and look pretty. You just want to be able to say what you want, when you want, and hide everything else." She taunts me. "I was so stupid to think you could commit. I was an idiot to think you were a good guy who just wanted to be with me for all the right reasons. You were thinking about no one but yourself."

Surprising her, I get right into her face and look down, my jaw set in determination. "Don't ever accuse me of using you. I never treated you with anything but respect."

She stands up taller and refuses to be scared. "Is that before or after you decided to leave the city and chat up your ex's?"

"Susan showing up had nothing to do with me."

"You never said anything!"

"What was I supposed to say? It meant nothing to me."

She snorts. "Yeah, right. That's rich. Your ex-girlfriend comes out of nowhere and confesses her love to you and you expect me to believe that it meant nothing?"

"Yes, that's right. Nothing. At that time, I was in love with my girlfriend." I pause and look her up and down just to punctuate the point. "A mistake, I will never make again. That's for certain."

I expect her to look hurt, but if she is, her anger's overpowering it. "A mistake? That's what I am to you, isn't it?"

"What? You don't think I know you regret being with me as well?"

"You just don't get it, do you?"

"I get that I wasted almost a year."

And that does it. Her façade is crumbling. "Wasted?" She gathers her bearings, and her chest heaves with anger. "You're just afraid of needing someone. Afraid that someone might see just who you truly are and understand that beneath that hard exterior, there isn't anything underneath. No substance."

Muted, but strong, I sneer. "I don't need you."

"You made that very clear."

"Ditto." I refuse to let my emotions show. "I can't believe I ever thought we could be together."

She nods. "And I can't believe I ever thought you were good enough."

I scoff and become increasingly nasty. "Good enough for you?"

"You're a bastard, Jess Mariano." She backs away. "I regret ever having laid eyes on you."

I watch her retreating figure, and shout, "That makes two of us!" She gives me the finger and I set my jaw. Tightly.

---

"Where the hell have you been?" Luke looks at me as I walk through the diner door. "I told you to come back in an hour."

"Lost track of time."

He looks like he wants to say more but doesn't. Gesturing with his arm he points upstairs behind the curtain. "Take your dog upstairs. People eat down here."

Nodding, I look over my shoulder and see that Adso has taken the opportunity to sit down and request a handout from a little girl eating a burger. "Ad." He looks back and forth from the burger to me, and finally gets up to follow me upstairs.

Opening the door to the apartment, I take in the surroundings and Adso wanders around to do the same. The floorboards squeak, and I feel Luke come up behind me. "Listen, I don't have much time to watch him and all, but he can stay up here. I'll walk him when I can. Did you bring food for him?"

Emotionally drained, I nod. "Yeah. It's in the car. I'll go get it." Adso's following me out and Luke trails our steps as well. Coming to the car, I pop the trunk and pull out a duffel bag complete with Adso's blanket, food, and toys. "Here. Everything you need is in there. A cup of dry food at night. There's some treats and stuff in here as well. He'll sleep anywhere but he's used to my couch. If you don't want him on the furniture, just push him off and he'll get the idea after a couple times. He prefers to walk in the morning, but any time will do. He likes to wander around a lot, but he knows how to come back. The blanket's his. Just give it to him and sometimes he'll carry it around all day."

Luke nods. "Okay."

"This is my phone number, along with the new apartment's address in case something comes up. The vet's number is there too, but I'm sure there's a local one nearby. Just uh, call if you need anything." I glance down and Adso returns my gaze with his big brown eyes and I'm saddened to have to leave him. Petting his head, I ruffle his ears and he whimpers and scoots closer to my legs, as if he knows I'm leaving him off a stranger. "Don't yell at him." I turn to Luke. "He wasn't treated well as a puppy, that's why he was at the pound when I got him. He goes berserk if there's yelling. It's worse when you're yelling at him. So just…don't. If he does something wrong, just tell him 'no.' He knows to stop." Adso's wormed his head between my knees and of all things, or maybe because of what just happened with her, I'm starting to get choked up. My throat feels tight and my chest constricts. Crouching down, I take his expressive face into my hands and smile sadly. "Just…take care of him, okay?" Quietly, "He's all I've got."

Looking up, I squint into the sunlight, but I can make out Luke's sympathetic gaze down at me. "Sure."

"Bye Buddy." Standing, I walk away and Adso tries to follow. I see Luke reach down to hook a finger into his collar to stop him from crossing the street. Looking over my shoulder once more, I nod to Luke. Adso's fidgeting and he barks continuously trying to get my attention. Unlocking the car and getting in, I can still hear his sharp barking.

---

"Hey, it's Ben."

I buzz him in through the intercom and go to open the door. "Hey."

"So, what do you think?" He gestures around.

"It's nice."

His smile is proud and smug. "You're welcome." Walking to the kitchen, he opens to fridge and helps himself to a beer. He pauses and looks surprised that it's only stocked with alcohol, but doesn't say anything. Popping the cap off, he looks at him. "You look like shit, you know that?"

"Yeah, thanks." I scratch my head and lean against the counter. It's been less than a week since I've moved in and the apartment is entirely too quiet to sustain my sanity. My nights are filled with emptiness and anger. "Have you talked to the landlord? Can I bring my dog yet?" I don't add the fact that being without Adso has just made each night that much more lonely.

He swallows. "I'm still working on it. I'll call him again tomorrow."

"If I can't bring him, maybe I should look for another place to live. I can't leave him with my uncle."

"No way. You're not giving up this place. It's amazing. Give me a week. I'll have my dad call in to the guy who owns the building and we'll work something out."

I shake my head. "I don't wanna bother anyone."

"You're not."

I nod and let the subject drop.

"The guys and I are going out tonight. You wanna join?"

"No." I begin to walk away from him and the kitchen.

"Jess, listen…"

"I don't want to talk about it." I dismiss him without even turning around.

Quietly, "Alright." He pauses. "Well, I'm gonna go. I'll see you at work tomorrow."

From inside the bare bedroom, I hear the door click.

---

I hear the phone ring from my place on the couch. Old reruns of I Dream of Jeannie blare through the otherwise silent apartment and I wait for the answering machine to kick in. It beeps.

It's me. Susan. I hear her sigh, and I take my eyes off the television. Listen, I'm…sorry about what happened. I shouldn't have barged in. I'm sorry. Maybe I'll see you around…maybe not. Bye Jess.

For the first time in a long time, I let myself think about Susan in a way I've forgotten. In the midst of all my solitude, I realize that she must feel quite alone as well.

---

I wait, listening to the ringing of the phone.

"Hello?"

"Luke, hi." I sit up on my new bed. "It's Jess."

"Right. Jess."

"How's…Adso?"

"He's okay." I hear shuffling. "Your dog doesn't eat much, does he?"

"It's 'cause he's not home. But he is eating, right?"

He pauses. "Well, yeah. Now he is."

Alarmed, I listen closely. "What do you mean, now he is? He wasn't eating earlier? Why didn't you call me?"

"Look, I took care of it. That's all. He's fine."

"What do you mean, you took care of it?" With only Adso in my life now, I'm crazy protective. "What the hell is going on over there?"

"I took care of it!"

"How?"

"Jess, you don't want to hear it. So just drop it and accept the fact that I took care of the situation and everything's fine. Really. Adso's fine."

Voice low, I have a sinking feeling that I shouldn't press any further. But I do. "Luke. Tell me."

He breathes out explosively. "All right! Fine. Yes, Adso wasn't eating when you first left and I didn't know what to do. So, I took him over to Lorelai's because he stayed there last time just to ask her to help me. Rory was there and…"

Frighteningly calm, I grit my teeth. "And what?"

"Adso's with them now. She's taking care of him. Not me."

Angry, I can't control myself. "Luke, my entire life I've asked one thing of you! This was it. I just asked you to watch my dog for me. How can someone fuck that up?"

"Hey!" He's angry now as well. "Don't you ever talk to me about family. I know family. I take care of family. I agreed to take your damn dog even though I knew what was going on between you and Rory. I warned you not to get involved with her. I told you to be careful. And now look what's happened. You're making me choose sides. I cannot choose between family and Lorelai. I can't. I won't. So, don't put me in this position! Rory is like a daughter to me. I watched her grow up. When she got sick, I was there for her and Lorelai. I was there when Rory graduated elementary school, jr. high, and high school. I've seen every birthday since they moved here. And now I have to sit back and watch her go through this hell while I'm still watching your stupid mutt. Don't talk to me about responsibilities and family. You know nothing about it. You're just a kid."

Not having any connection with her except for that brief moment at the bridge is affecting me. And now hearing Luke talk about her brings something entirely too real into the conversation. Defeated and powerless to go on, I just give up. "Okay. That's fine. I'll call you when I can pick him up. From you." I leave the implication clear that I don't want to see her when I get Adso.

"Okay."

I hang up.

---

"Hey, you about finished?" Ben stops by my desk.

Without looking up from my laptop, I reply, "Yeah, almost."

"Well, the guys and I are going out to this new bar. You wanna come?"

"No."

He sits down in front of me. "You can't hide out forever. You've barely left your apartment for anything other than work."

I scowl. "I'm not hiding out. And how do you know? Keeping tabs on me?"

"Jeez. You're grouchy."

I sigh. "Sorry. It's just…"

His posture changes and his voice softens. "You wanna talk about it?"

"Not really."

He shrugs and doesn't take offense. "Could help, you know."

Ben hasn't pried into the technicalities of my situation. He knows that I'm obviously single again, but he has politely refrained from asking anything. Right now, I'm tired of pretending that nothing's wrong. For one moment, I'd like to believe that maybe, just maybe, for once in my life, talking to Ben might actually be an okay idea.

But my stubborn behavior prevents me from uttering a word. He's looking at me without judgment in his eyes, and for some reason, it helps. I start slow, and even that sounds foreign and stupid to my ears. "We broke up."

He nods. "I figured."

"It was really just out of the fucking blue. I didn't see it coming at all."

"Really?"

I jerk my head up at his soft question. "Yes."

He starts slowly, not wanting to anger me. "Didn't you say you had a hard time telling her about the move, and that you felt that maybe she wasn't ready for a serious relationship?"

"But the point is that she said she would try. That we would try." He smiles softly and I don't like it. His expression is meaningful and it really bugs me. Arrogant and irritated, I raise my hand to stop him. "Look, don't even say what you're thinking."

He looks amused. "What am I thinking?"

"Whatever." I wave off the insinuation. "I just don't want to hear that I should have seen it coming, I shouldn't have been surprised, blah, blah. The point is she broke things off with me. Not the other way around. I don't need her."

He raises his eyebrow.

"I don't."

"Okay." He drops the subject.

But for a second, I allow myself to really absorb the fact that I'm alone. Alone. The minutes tick by and we don't say anything. He's not staring at me, and his subtle gaze lingers on other objects in the room. But I don't return the courtesy. "Why don't you have a girlfriend?"

He looks surprised and he picks at his cuticles. "Just haven't found the one who likes long walks on the beach and romantic movies over a bottle of red wine."

I roll my eyes. "Come on. You were the one who wanted to talk." I mock him, knowing that I'm being mean.

He matches my eye roll. "Oh, don't give me that James Dean attitude. You're so full of shit sometimes, you know that?"

I'm angry but not enough to take it out on him. He knows he has enough room to be straight with me, even calling me on my attitude. "Just answer the fucking question, will ya?" My words are harsh, but my tone has softened.

"I don't want one." His posture changes and he shifts in his seat. "I don't want the responsibilities of a girlfriend."

"Why?"

"Because."

Still, I press. "Because why?"

He snaps out of his private moment and I see his anxiety melt away with his easy smile. Once again, in a blink of a second, he's back to his charming, carefree self. "Listen. It's just the way it is, all right? Now, come with me and the guys for some drinks and relax."

The moment has fizzled for him but I refuse to let him out of it. "You wanted to say something. I know it. You're holding back."

He looks away. "I'm not joining your pity party."

Dryly, "You're not invited." Licking my lips, I sigh. "Love's shit, isn't it?"

He barks out a laugh that's devoid of humor. "That we can agree on."

"Yeah."

He picks up the phone and holds out the receiver to me. "Why don't you call her?"

And instantly, my gentle mood has soured. "Fuck off."

Not insulted, he places the phone back into its cradle. He looks into my eyes as if trying to convey the strength of what he's about to say. "I never called her. Gwen." He glances down into his folded hands. "When we broke up; I never called her. I was angry and felt justified in my anger. I was…stubborn."

"But you moved on." I state the obvious.

He scoffs. "Yes, of course. It's inevitable. It's reality. Eat or be eaten. I had a job and responsibilities to my company and I just went at it, all pistons firing. I left her behind. Literally."

"You don't need her anyways."

He shakes his head. "You don't get it, do you? You think that having a successful career doing something you like is all that'll make you happy. You think that because I'm doing well, that I don't have regrets. That is what you think, isn't it?"

I blink in response.

He runs his hand through his hair. "You were looking for me to confirm what you did. Tell you that you made the right choice. You wanted me to tell your sorry ass that you didn't just make a big mistake."

Pointing an accusing finger at him, I yell. "Don't think you know what I'm feeling! You have no fucking right! You started all of this. You. If it weren't for you I wouldn't even be in New York. I would have never been forced into a decision of leaving." My brain is telling me that I'm being irrational, but the pumping adrenaline just isn't listening.

Calmly, he remains stoic. "Don't pin this on me, Jess. You wanted to come. You choose to come. You made a choice. No one held a gun to your head."

Chided, I drop my intense stare. He's right. I did choose to come. "But I didn't choose to leave her behind."

"No. No, you didn't." He speaks slowly as if talking to a spooked animal. "You're angry. And right now, you're choosing to be angry."

"I have every right to be angry."

He clicks his tongue. "Maybe. But it's blinding you."

"From what?" I rest my head against the back of the chair.

"From the fact that you miss her."

I look back at Ben. "It'll fade." I rub my forehead, feeling the oncoming headache. "It'll go away." I pause. "Right?"

Flippantly, he dismisses my solemn question. "Sure. Of course." Serious again, he breathes out. "But you're going to regret letting it go away."

I clench my jaw. "I just need for it to go away. I don't need her. I was an idiot thinking that we could work out. She's too young." I hesitate. "I'm…too young."

"If that were true, you'd never be interested in her in the first place. She isn't too young and you know it."

Barely hearing him, I start up again. "You're wrong. I don't miss her."

"That's such a fucking lie."

Defenses going up again, I harden. "Don't act like you know me."

He rolls his eyes, unaffected. "Yeah, yeah. You're so distraught. So misunderstood."

"Shut the hell up."

"Oh what? I hit a nerve? You think you're so fucking justified. You think that because she broke up with you it's all right to put all the blame on her. But that's not the truth. Maybe you don't know it right now, but eventually you'll figure it out that you're not so innocent in all of this. Something made her break up with you and it always takes two to make a relationship fail. Two, people. Not one."

I open my mouth to retort, but his words strike a chord within me.

The chair scrapes as he pushes it away and begins to stand. Voice and emotions normal again, he nods down at me. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I stare up at him. "Yeah, tomorrow."

---

The apartment is quiet. Too quiet. Sitting on my bed, I stare at the phone in my hands. Blindly, I find that my fingers are dialing a familiar number.

It's ringing. Once, twice…"Hello?" She sounds tired.

I can't seem to bring myself to say anything.

"Hello?"

My voice cracks, and it sounds hoarse. "It's me."

I hear her sigh. "Hi."

Dumbly, I don't know what to say. "Hi."

She pauses. "What are you doing, Jess?"

"I'm calling you."

"Yes, I'm aware of that. Why?"

"Because, I don't want to be the one who never called."

"What?" She's confused.

I am too. What am I doing? Calling her solely because Ben said he never called his ex-girlfriend? Am I just trying to disprove everything he said to me? "Never mind."

"If you're calling because of Adso, you don't have to worry. He's fine here. And you won't have to see me when you come pick him up."

"That's not why I'm calling." I stall. "But thanks."

"You're welcome." The conversation is falsely polite. We have not forgotten about our last meeting and the tension is thick. "So…how is New York?"

"It's fine."

"And the job?"

"Fine as well."

"Yeah."

We're skirting around the real topic at hand. But I don't feel brave enough to bring it up. And I highly doubt she will initiate it.

"I'm taking summer session. Business ethics."

"Right." I have no fucking clue what we're doing in this conversation.

"It's okay. It's long and meets three times a week. The people are dull. So is the professor. But it keeps me busy." She's rambling and I know she's nervous.

"So, you're…busy." I want to ask how she is, but it comes out in my own twisted version.

"Yeah. Busy." I imagine her picking at her clothes or chewing on her lower lip. "You? You must be busy as well. What with the new job and all."

"Yeah."

Silence is swarming around us. It's closing in on the conversation. Switching the phone to the other ear, I almost miss what she says. "Jess, I just…"

I cut her off. "Don't. Just don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't finish that sentence. You don't mean it and I'm not ready to hear it."

"You have no idea what I was going to say."

I shake my head. "I do know. That's why I don't want you to say it."

"Jess, I never meant—"

"Stop!"

She does. I hear sniffling and I know she's crying. "I didn't want this to happen."

For once, I don't have a sarcastic reply. "I know."

"I miss talking to you."

I swallow and remain silent.

Her voice is thick and it comes out heavy with emotion. "You're not going to say anything are you?" I hear her sigh. "No, I know you won't." She pauses and I think she's trying to gather up her courage. "I'm not going to say I'm sorry. You don't want to hear it and I'm not willing to say it. But…"

I clutch my bedspread.

"Do you miss me?" Instantly, she sputters out a laugh. "No, don't answer that. I don't want to know."

"I, uh…" I want to say something to her. Everything. You hurt me, Rory. I don't know if we can fix it. I don't know if I even want to try. "I have to go."

"Yeah." She's shutting down and her tone is short. "I'm sure you do."

I hang up the phone first.

---

She kisses the side of my mouth and I fumble for the zipper of her jeans. Warm hands search the skin of my chest and wet lips find my own. Kissing her harder, I pull her flush against my body, grinding into her. She whimpers and I nudge her back onto the bed. Big doe eyes return my steady gaze and I smile, lingering the back of my fingers on her cheek. Her hands make their way into my boxers and…

I wake up in a rush. Sitting in bed, I realize that it's all just a dream. I'm obviously hard and I flop back down, refusing to let the arousal command my attention. Turning onto my side, I divert my thoughts from soft hair and warm skin to something more mundane. The sun's streaming through my windows and I stare out into the light, letting it momentarily blind my vision. In that extreme glare, I see her face again. Shutting my eyes and engulfing my world into darkness once more, I try to block out her face. In my mind, I reply the one moment that made me doubt my feelings for her.

I don't love you.

My erection deflates as I remember those faithful words. Even with that phone call four days ago, I realize that love, or lack thereof, is not enough to make anything work. Right now, I'm remembering my anger and the gaping hole somewhere in my being that I can't shake.

---

"Hello?"

"You're going to love me."

I roll my eyes. "What is it Ben?"

"Jeez, all my hard work and that's the thanks I get. I got the landlord to let you move in your dog."

"It's about time." I smile for the first time since god knows when. "When?"

"Today, if you want."

"Good. Thanks." I'm met with silence and I continue. "I'll drive down now."

"Okay. Bring him by tomorrow. I want to at least meet the dog I went through so much trouble for."

I smirk. "Sure."

"Okay. Tomorrow."

He hangs up.

Scrolling down my phone's address book, I select Luke's number. Waiting, I'm anxious.

"Luke's Diner."

"Luke, it's Jess."

"Hi."

"Hey. I was wondering if I could come get Adso today."

"Uh, sure."

I listen to the hesitation. "What's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you just hesitated. A couple weeks ago you were yelling at me for dumping him on you. Now what? You're too attached?"

"Your mutt? No way. When he's at the diner, he refuses to stay upstairs by himself. He insists on lying down behind the counter while I constantly trip over him every time I go back to grab an order."

I frown. "He hasn't been that much trouble, has he?"

Luke's voice softens. "No, he's not as bad as I made it sound."

"Good." I sigh. "So, today? I want to see him today."

"Well…" Again with the hesitation. "What time were you thinking about?"

"Now." I tilt my head. "Luke, what's going on?"

He doesn't respond right away and I get worried. "I don't have your dog." He blurts out.

"What?"

"Calm down, I didn't mean it that way. I just meant, he's not with me now."

"Oh, that makes me feel a whole lot better."

"He's with…them."

Ah. I don't have to ask whom he's referring to. "They took my dog?"

"It wasn't kidnap. Jeez. They took your dog to some spa, or whatever."

Amused, I question him. "What?"

"Rory read some article in the newspaper about this new dog spa and they took him this morning."

This is the first time Luke has mentioned her name. I assume he's done it by mistake. We've both concentrated on not mentioning her by name, and despite it all, it makes me smile. Though it's a sad smile, I can't help but think about her taking care of Adso. "Do you know when they'll be back?"

"Probably later this afternoon."

"Okay."

"I'll call you."

"Thanks."

---

I close my car's door and hit the lock button on my remote. Crossing the deserted street to the diner, I step through and listen to the friendly bell above the door. Standing taller, I try to get Luke's attention and he motions to the counter. I take a seat.

"You're early."

"There wasn't traffic." I lie. I knew there wouldn't be any traffic. I just want to get my dog. I've missed having someone with me in my empty apartment.

"Well, they're not back yet. You want something to eat?"

I shrug. "Sure, I guess."

"What do you want?"

"Whatever."

He rolls his eyes. "So specific."

Walking away to help other customers, I reach for the menu and flip through. Seeing him come back around the corner, I speak up. "Burger's fine. No cheese."

"Okay."

Five minutes later, a decent sized burger is placed in front of me in silence and I nod in thanks. Taking a bite, I realize that I haven't eaten. Shaking my head, I notice that I've been loosing track of time way too easily these days. I need to get a grip. The door chimes again and I hear the thundering of paws and I turn with an easy smile already on my lips. Adso's charging his way to the counter and the slippery floor is making it hard for him to stop. He collides with my legs and jumps up and down as I chuckle and ruffle his ears. Too excited, he jumps up right into my lap and I almost tumble backwards with my large dog dangling precociously on top of me while I'm perched on a stool. "Hey Buddy." He chirps a friendly acknowledgment and sniffs at my burger briefly before taking a big bite. I look over at Luke who has an odd smile on his face, trying to refrain from saying anything. Getting up, with Adso's four legs suspended between my arms, I get off the stool with him trying to lick my face in happiness. Turning, I see that Rory and her mom have been watching by the door. My smile drops and I set down Adso gently. He scampers over to her legs and sits down with a smile, as if he expects me to greet her like I once used to. I swallow but I don't know what to do.

I watch as Lorelai eases away from her daughter's side, leaving her standing awkwardly by the door with Adso at her legs. She crosses her arms nervously across her stomach. "Hey."

I nod.

"Sorry we're late." She seems to be scrambling for something to say.

"It's all right." Seeing as she's making an effort to be civil, I return her efforts. "Luke said you took him to some spa?"

She smiles and drops her gaze down at him. "Yeah. They gave him a bath and trimmed his nails." Suddenly, she looks alarmed. "Is that okay?"

Quickly, I reassure her. "Yeah, of course. Thanks."

"We had fun, didn't we?"

I feel pained listening to her talk to him like I've heard so many times before. She always used to tuck him into bed at night or on the couch in my apartment. I've heard her read to him or even ask him rhetorical questions about her homework. At the time, it only made me smile at how much she cared about my dog, but now…it makes me remember what I don't have anymore. I bite the inside of my cheek. "I should probably take him home before rush hour hits."

She nods. "Yeah. That's probably a good idea."

A gentle hand rests on my shoulder and I look to find that Luke has suddenly appeared behind me. "His stuff is upstairs if you want to get it."

"Yeah, yeah." I break eye contact with her and turn to walk through the curtain separating the diner from upstairs. Picking up his blanket and other things I've left, I shove them into the duffel and sling it over my shoulder. She's no longer in the diner and neither is Adso. Passing by Luke, I stop. "Thanks. For everything."

He nods. "Sure."

Crossing the street, I see that they're waiting by my car. There's no one else there and the intimacy is overwhelming me right now. I feel like we shouldn't be doing this. She stands up straighter as I approach. "You have everything?" She's asking a useless question.

I answer her anyways. "I think."

"Good."

I hesitate. "How's…your class?" I feel stupid in making small talk but I'm reluctant to leave just yet, even if I feel like being this close to her is about to make me explode in a myriad of emotions.

"Fine." She bobs her head. "Productive, I guess. It's class, what can I say?"

I shrug. "Yeah."

She speaks up. "I'm thinking of trying out for a better position for the school paper in the fall. There's a political reporting column opening, and I thought maybe…"

I nod. "Yeah. That's a good idea."

"You think?" She sounds a little bit like her old self. Back when we…

I smile. "Yeah. I think you'd be good for it."

"I have to get some recommendations for it. Usually you have to be a junior before they consider you, but my journalism professor who's the chair of the department said that sometimes they make exceptions."

"It's been done before. Two years ago. A sophomore wrote that column. And a couple times before that."

"Yeah. I got my journalism professor to write me a recommendation, but he says that I'll still need more."

Before I can censure myself, my mouth runs away from me. "I can do it." I pause, feeling the blood rushing to my face. Not one to normally blush, this is a new experience for me. "I mean, if you want. I wrote that same column when I was a sophomore."

She furrows her brows. "You did? How come I never knew that?"

I smile softly. "It was a long time ago during the spring semester of my sophomore year. I didn't really like it. Too competitive. But you'd fit right in."

She smiles sadly as well. "Yeah, thanks. I'd really appreciate it."

"Sure. No problem."

She tucks her hands into the front pockets of her jeans. "You settling into your new place?"

I shrug. "Guess so. It's pretty big. I think Ad'll like it."

"I'm sure he will." She bites her lip. "Work good as well?"

I lower my eyes. "It is. Adjusting, but good."

Softly, she replies. "Yeah." She leans a fraction closer to my body and whispers. "This has been nice. Talking to you again."

I nod.

"I still want to be able to talk to you."

The moment crackles and instantly it's gone from us. "Is this your 'let's be friends' talk?"

Eyes snap up at me. "Maybe. You make it sound ridiculous."

"That's because it is ridiculous."

"So you're saying that just because we don't sleep together anymore, we can't be friends?"

I swallow the lump of anger in my throat and my voice comes out sharp. "I don't know how to be your friend, Rory!"

"Oh." Her mouth forms a perfect circle. "We were friends before."

I shake my head at her naïve response. "No, we weren't. We were circling each other for months, but we weren't really friends. We were friends during. But not before."

"So, we can't be friends." Why is she reiterating the same fact again?

"No." Seeing her disappointed expression, I add softly, "Not yet."

"But later?"

"I don't know." I shove my hands into my pockets to squash the urge to take her into my arms. "You broke up with me." There it is, finally out into the open. Said without yelling, and still so important. A sentence we both have been avoiding.

"Yes."

"I…" I run my hands over my face, trying to gasp some sense of the situation. "I'm still angry."

"I know." She nods with her head down.

"I don't forgive you."

She looks up with a passive expression. "I don't regret it."

I wince. "I know."

"I miss you. But I still think it's right."

My eyes are dull. Not knowing what else to say, I restate, "I still don't forgive you."

"I don't expect you to." Listening to her answers, I would have never known she was younger. Ben was right; age isn't a factor. It's something else. Something I don't know yet.

"I better go."

"I guess this is goodbye, then."

"Suppose so."

She steps back. "Drive safe."

I whistle for Adso. He comes over and sits down between the two of us. Opening the car door for him, I motion for him to get in. He doesn't move. "Ad, up." He whimpers and rears up on his hind legs to stand with his paws on her thighs. I sigh.

She squats down and takes his face into her hands. "I'll see you later, Baby."

I look down at the sound of that word. The connection to that word makes me ache. "Adso, please. Get in the car." There's an edge to my voice and he obeys without another sound. Shutting the door behind him, I turn to her. "Bye Rory."

"Bye Jess."

Getting into the car, I roll down the window for Adso and he sticks out his head to bark at her. She's standing with her arms awkwardly at her side as I put the car into gear. Adso doesn't make another noise and sits down with his head down on my forearm. "I'm sorry Buddy. I know you like her." He whimpers. "But we won't see her again."

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AN: Please Review.