Chapter 10: Jealousy
I walk the streets of Stars Hollow, pulling Steve excitedly with me from store to store and telling him the first story that comes to mind when reaching another familiar building. Steve turns out to be a good listener. He laughs at the right moments and seems to genuinely enjoy himself.
"And here, ladies and gentlemen, we have Miss Patty's," I say in my best official tour-guide's voice. "Dance studio during the day; Office for Town Meetings on Thursday evenings; and only God knows what kind of adult practices take place here at night," I continue theatrically, and Steve laughs loudly.
"I could tell you another story about this place, but the woman owning it is so much more interesting. Are ya ready?" I ask
"The woman with the adult practices?" he wants to know.
"The one and only," I grin.
"I'm good, thanks."
"Alrighty then," I continue just as cheerful. "Let me just say this one thing: as a young, good-looking guy, you'd better watch out, especially around her Founder's Day punch."
Steve stares at me for a little while, looking half scared as he registered what I just said. "Duly noted," he says eventually.
"Moving on then," I say laughingly, putting my arm happily through his and pulling him with me.
I see movement on my right side and notice Luke in front of the diner. He is holding the chain from April's bike, which he's probably supposed to attach to the lamppost, but instead he stares at me, the chain forgotten. I smile at him and wave with my free hand. Luke's wide eyes narrow and his lips are formed in a thin line. He doesn't wave back at me; he doesn't say anything; apart from staring at me, he doesn't acknowledge me at all. Instead, he quickly turns around and walks back into the diner, slamming the door shut, the chain for April's bike disappearing with him and the bike still outside for anyone to take.
"What was that about?" Steve asks me curious. I'm wondering the exact same thing.
I'm suddenly not so cheerful anymore. "Just a little small town charm for ya," I tell him, forcing a smile.
"William, from William's Hardware, I assume?" he asks me, reading the sign above the door.
"Luke, from Luke's Diner," I correct him.
"Of course," Steve says slowly, obviously confused, "Any stories?"
"I think, I think, you just witnessed one," I tease him as I nudge him playfully in the side with my elbow.
"So he's just an ass?" Steve asks carefully.
"No," I say, smiling at him, "He's grumpy, but he's no ass. He's a really sweet guy once you get to know him."
"So when are you going to get to know him?" Steve continues.
I laugh. "I know him better than anyone."
"Then explain me the 'sweet guy' part again," he says, grinning at me.
I slap his bicep. "You're the ass," I joke and he just laughs.
I open the door dramatically, clutching on the handle as I let myself fall into the diner; my hands the only tools that keep me from toppling to the floor completely. I take an extra step and close the door behind me, before I stumble slowly towards the counter.
"Need. Coffee… Can't. Move," I say to no one in particular, yet all eyes are on me. "Help," I yelp, before leaning my hands on the table closest to me, which happened to be occupied by a couple I don't know. They look surprised at me, wondering if I really do need help.
A loud girly laugh comes from behind the counter towards me. April takes my arm, places it over her shoulder and places her other arm around my back, supporting me towards an empty table. "Let's get you seated, shall we," she chuckles.
"Yes," I say weakly, a smile playing on my lips.
As I drop down on the chair April directed me to, she says, "Dad's right. You really are crazy." I just shrug my shoulders.
April walks back behind the counter and returns with a cup and a full pot of coffee. She fills the cup to the brim and sets it in front of me. I smile up at her and say dreamily, "My savior," before I take a sip and sigh contently.
April hovers nervously at my table, but she doesn't say anything.
"Where's your Dad?" I ask, hoping some small talk will break the tension.
"Upstairs, doing some inventory," she tells me without looking at me as she plays with her own fingers. She sighs deeply and sits down on the chair next to me. "Can I talk to you about something?" she asks nervously, finally meeting my eyes.
"Anything, sweetie," I tell her with a smile.
"It's just, eh… Well…" she stumbles, "You see, when I met Dad, I was young and foolish, but I'm not anymore."
"Of course not, you're fourteen now."
"Almost fifteen actually," she corrects me.
"Even more mature," I tell her and she's quiet again. "Hey," I place my hand on her arm, "Whatever it is, you can tell me."
April nods and swallows. She still doesn't look at me.
"Is it a boy?" I try.
"No, no!" April says quickly, turning to look at the curtain to see if her father hadn't accidentally heard that. "There's no boy. This is actually about you."
"What about me?" I ask confused.
"Um… You and Dad, you were married when I showed up."
"True," I say slowly, now patiently waiting for her to continue.
"It's just… Anytime I ask Dad about it, he brushes it off, you know? He doesn't want to talk about it, or at least not with me."
"Sounds about right," I nod sadly.
April nods as well. "But the thing is…" she continues, "…I've been kind of… concerned lately, I guess."
"Concerned? About your father?"
"Yes," she pauses a little while, "Well, no."
I laugh a little. "You gotta explain it better sweetie."
She takes a deep breath, and finally throws the words out. "I've noticed lately how lonely Dad is. I mean, he has me of course, and Elly and Abby, but as far as I know he hasn't dated anyone since that Rachel woman he talked about."
"Uh huh," I say, wondering if this is going where I think it's going. Is she trying to set Luke and me up, because she thinks Luke is lonely?
"It just made me think of your marriage. You were married for like, ten years or something, right?"
"Nine. Almost nine," I correct myself.
"Yes, and then I came and eight months later, you two are getting divorced. Is that… Am I…" she swallows hard. "Did I cause you two to break up?" she asks in a small voice, avoiding my eyes again.
I am surprised by her question. I'm silent for a few seconds, hurt that she is hurting like this, that she thinks she's to blame for our marital issues. "No," I say eventually. I place my hand under her chin and force April to look at me, "Absolutely not, okay? And don't you ever think differently. You are not the reason we broke up. You were just a girl looking for her father. You did absolutely nothing wrong."
"Okay," April says silently, wiping away a tear that involuntarily fell from her right eye.
"Stop torturing yourself with this, alright?" I trail my hand over her hair. "Luke is so happy to have you in his life, so are Elly and Abby. They all love you, and I feel very privileged to know such a smart girl as you. I would love to have been your stepmother."
April smiles genuinely at me, but she's not done yet. "So… Was it a coincidence then? Did you already have problems?"
I let my hand drop back to my coffee cup and sigh deeply. "No," I tell her honestly, "We didn't have problems and it wasn't a coincidence, but it wasn't your fault." She looks troubled. "This is gonna be very hard to explain without you thinking it's your fault," I tell her sadly.
"Please try," she says, and for a moment she looks very adult, yet her voice is as small as that of a child.
"I don't blame you, not one bit. Neither does your Dad. When Luke found out about you, he hid it from me for two months. Remember the time I came in and you were coloring with Abby?" She nods slightly. "That was the first time we met, and the time I found out about your existence. I had nothing against you, or your… existence. After all, I've got a daughter of my own with another man."
"But he hid it from you," April finishes for me and I nod.
"Yes. He lied to me about it for two months, but I forgave him. I wanted to get to know you. I was your evil stepmother after all." April chuckles slightly. "Only your father didn't want me to get to know you yet."
April knits her eyebrows together. "Huh?" she asks, "Why not?"
I laugh a little, but there's nothing funny about these memories. "Your dad called me a cartoon character. He said that once you got to know me, it would be all over for him." I shake my head at the memory, "It was ridiculous."
April agrees by nodding. "He really called you a cartoon character?" she asks with a slight smirk.
"He said I'm practically like one."
"Ouch."
I shrug my shoulders. "He was being positive about my personality, but it's insane to think you'd lose interest in your own father, especially such a good one."
"Totally insane," April agrees.
"So, this continued until your thirteenth birthday party. I tried to respect his space, so he could get to know you a little better, knowing that eventually, he would let me in."
"Which happened at my party?"
"Basically. I offered him to help him, 'cause I became an expert at it with Rory's parties."
"Definitely an expert," April agrees, remembering her party.
"Luke didn't want my help," I tell her, "He wanted to do it himself, but he screwed up."
"Big time," April laughs.
"So I came to the rescue."
"Thank God," April chimes in.
"I loved it so much. I finally got to know you and I really liked you and you seemed to like me…"
"I did… I mean, I do," April says awkwardly.
"So, you know, I had hoped it was finally over, that Luke would finally fill that distance and let me in again."
"But he still didn't want you involved?" April asks sadly.
"He did. Your mother didn't."
"My Mom?" April asks surprised.
"Yeah…" I say sadly, "It's completely understandable though. Your mom was a single parent for twelve years. She had you all to herself. It must have been very scary to let Luke into your life. Suddenly she wasn't a single parent anymore; suddenly she had to make her decisions with someone else. It must have been a difficult adjustment. But I remember when Rory's Dad had a girlfriend, who later became his wife. I was so scared of losing Rory to this woman; afraid she would take over the mother position. Of course that didn't happen. I raised Rory."
"So you think Mom was afraid of losing me?"
"I think she was terrified, even though it was unnecessary. And I think your father was just as terrified of losing you again, so he did what your mother asked him to do and I was left in the shadows again."
"That's sad," April says with a pout.
"Yeah, I agree. But you see, you are absolutely not to blame. It may have been about you, but it is the way we handled the situation; your mom, your dad, and I. We are to blame, all three of us. Not you."
April nods, before she asks, "So what happened in the end then? Were you done waiting and you just announced you wanted a divorce?"
I swallow the lump in my throat and look around me. The diner is very slow and no one is listening in on our conversation, but I lean closer to her anyhow. "I was done waiting. But I was an idiot. I talked to a therapist and she told me I had to decide how much longer I was willing to wait before I took actions into my own hands, so that night… I took actions into my own hands. I shouldn't have been so rash." I look down into my cup, ashamed.
"What did you do?" April whispers.
I feel the tears prickle in my eyes, but I don't want to cry. "I-uh…" I cough to get the lump from my throat, "I had been avoiding Luke as much as I could, but that evening I showed up at the diner during rush hour. We had the plan to leave for a few days, just him and me to reconcile, maybe to save our marriage. I gave him an ultimatum: now or never. He said he couldn't leave right now. To me that meant 'never', to him it meant 'we'll talk about it tomorrow'. I thought we were over. He didn't fight for me. It had to be over."
"Did you talk about it the next day?"
I scrape my throat again. "The ultimatum is not really the stupid thing I was talking about. I did something way worse, something I'd very much like to forget."
April looks at me and I notice the liquid in her eyes as well. I know she's waiting for me to continue.
"I went to Friday night dinner that evening by myself. Your father had to work and my parents had invited Rory's Dad, my oldest friend. So when I was in need of some comforting after the ultimatum, I went to him…" I look down at my coffee cup as the single tear finally escapes. "I woke up in his bed the next morning."
"You cheated?" April has her hand before her mouth in shock.
I just nod. "I came home the next morning and Luke demanded to know where I was. I told him, he moved out and two weeks later I had divorce papers in the mail."
"Wow," April says.
I wipe at my tears and finally look up at her. "I hope you feel better now that you know the whole story," I say with a slight chuckle.
April laughs too. "Not really," she says.
"I'm just glad that we're still friends, especially with the girls."
"Yeah, that would have been hell otherwise," April says sympathetically. "So… All Dad has to do is forgive you and you'll be together again."
I laugh. "I wish it was that easy, sweetie. Luke has already forgiven me, but we're not getting back together again."
"Never?" April asks.
"I don't think so."
"But what about happily ever after?"
"Oh kid… We're already past that," I say, leaning closer and hugging her to me. "Time to stop believing in fairytales," I tell her, before I let go. "I really should be leaving now. I'm already too late for work."
April nods, "Thanks for the talk."
"You're welcome," I smile at her, "See you next time." It's then that I notice Luke standing in front of the curtains, staring at us. Again he doesn't look very pleased to see me. I wave at him before exiting the diner.
"Oh, oh, oh! My favorite part!" I yell excitedly, standing up from the couch and holding my half eaten poptart out in front of me, my arm stretched. "At last, my arm is complete again," I say together with Sweeney Todd, earning a giggle from Rory.
She pulls on my arm and I drop back on the couch. "Be quiet you, you're gonna wake the little ones."
There's a knock at the door and we both look in that direction, not only wondering who it is, but neither of us wanting to get up.
"Did you order food?" I ask Rory.
She shakes her head. "You're gonna get that, or what?"
"Why me?!" I whine childishly, "You've got the younger legs. You go!"
Rory rolls her eyes at me. "It's your house, so whoever it is, is probably here for you."
"What if it's a murderer?" I try, after an even louder knock can be heard.
"You've lived longer and you leave your legacy behind in the form of three beautiful girls. I on the other hand, still have so much left to do in life."
I gasp audibly, "You're saying your life is worth more than mine?!"
"Yep. Now go," Rory says, pushing my shoulder at the sound of another knock.
"I am appalled," I tell Rory.
"Would you really be able to sacrifice your own daughter to save yourself? Could you live with that?" Rory asks reasonably.
I sigh. "Fine," I say as I slowly get up and walk towards the door. Opening it, I see Luke looking rather angry. "You're no murderer," I tell him, but he ignores me.
"What did you and April talk about?" he asks me rudely as he pushes past me into the hallway.
"Ooh, kill me now," I mumble under my breath. I raise my eyebrows and close the door. "Hello to you too."
"What did you and April talk about?" he repeats through gritted teeth, looking intently into my eyes.
"Ex-cuse me?" I ask him irritated.
"Do I have to spell it out for you? What. Did. You. Talk. About?" he hisses.
"That's non of your damn business," I say through clenched teeth, wrapping my arms defiantly over my chest and frowning my eyebrows angrily.
"It is my damn business, because I'm her damn father, so I have a damn right to know," Luke replies, getting louder.
I scoff at him. "I have three daughters too, and trust me, I don't know every single conversation they have."
"She was half in tears when you left, Lorelai. She didn't want to tell me why, so I'm asking you."
"Is that what you call it, asking? I didn't hear a 'please' in there."
"God dammit Lorelai!" Luke says loudly, throwing his hands to the side as if he doesn't know what to do with me.
"Ssssh!" I hiss at him as I point at the stairs, "Your other daughters are sleeping up there."
"Can you just tell me?" he asks softer. "Please," he adds, though not genuinely.
"I told her the truth." I shrug my shoulders.
"The truth about what?" he wants to know.
"About what happened, of course."
"What gives you the right to tell her about that?" he's getting louder again. "Whatever you decide to tell Rory is your choice, but you don't get to tell April about my personal stuff."
"Yeah, 'cause her thinking it's all her fault is so much better," I spat back at him.
"What?" Luke demands.
"Why do you think she's been asking you about it? She was feeling guilty, Luke."
"You mean..."
"Yes, that's what I mean, so I told her what really happened. She's a sweet young girl. She shouldn't have to feel guilty about us."
"No, of course not," he agrees. He takes a short pause and swallows. "Did you tell her everything? Even that you—"
"I did," I quickly cut him off, before he finishes his sentence.
"Alright then," he says doubtfully. He doesn't leave though. He stands there, fumbling with his own hands and looking down at them.
I sigh. "Anything else?" I ask impatiently.
"Um…" He swallows again and I can see he's working his jaw as he clenches his teeth, something he does when he's angry, but tries to suppress it. "Who's the guy?" he asks eventually.
"What?" I ask confused.
"The guy. Who is he?" he asks irritated, with a roll of his eyes.
"What guy?" I ask, getting annoyed myself.
"The one you're dating!" Luke throws out angrily, "Geez. Why does everything have to be so difficult with you?!"
"Yeah, because you're always so easy," I mumble.
"Just tell me who he is! Why is that so hard for you?!
"What are you even talking about?" I'm starting to get mad as I try to wrack my brain.
"That guy! Yesterday evening. Your memory can't be that bad!"
Suddenly it dawns on me. He's talking about Steve. Finally it makes sense to me; his reaction when he saw me arm in arm with Steve; his expression when I left the diner this morning.
I fold my arms defiantly in front of my chest. "So what?" I ask challengingly.
Luke stares at me wide eyed before his eyebrows knit together in anger. "Come on, Lorelai. We had sex not even two weeks ago, and now you're already with another man!"
"Are you calling me a slut?" I ask through gritted teeth.
"N-no." He sighs deeply and rubs his face tiredly. "That's not what I meant," he mumbles.
"Not that it's any of your business," I say angrily, "but Steve is simply a new colleague I was showing around town."
Luke's mouth hangs open for a little while and then he casts his look towards his feet, before he says, "Oh."
"Yeah, 'oh'," I continue venally, "And please correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it was you who told me a few days ago that there's no hope for us, so how dare you come here accusing me of dating someone."
Luke swallows hard. "Y-you're right."
"My love life is my concern, not yours," I poke my own chest softly and then his hard, "You made that very clear."
"I just…" Luke starts, but he doesn't continue.
"You just what?" I ask him, trying not to get too loud. "I'm not playing this hot 'n cold game with you, so just pick one and stick to it!"
"Lorelai…" Luke sighs.
"No Luke, don't 'Lorelai' me. I've had it with this. You almost kiss me, then you pretend it never happened; you sleep with me and again pretend it didn't happen. When we finally do talk about it, you tell me there'll never be an us again," I point between him and me, "and now you're yelling at my door, practically telling me I cannot date someone else. What is it that you want?"
"I—" I don't give him a chance to continue.
"You don't want me, but someone else can't have me either? Are you really that jealous tha—"
I am cut off as Luke takes a step forward, wraps his arms tightly around me and crushes his lips against my half open mouth, my eyes closing involuntarily.