And if it all goes crashing into the sea
if it's just you and me
trying to find the light
like ships in the night
ships in the night by mat kearney
"So you want to do something with illustrating these two lost ships trying to find the 'light,' am I correct?"
She nods. "Yeah, something like that. Not literally of course, but something of the concept."
"Bloody brilliant, love. All that's left is to plan the remaining out, and you can get started." He spins the pen with his fingers- he's apparently really good at doing that when he's bored or just wants to play with his pen. "What medium are you using for this project?"
"Thanks, and I was thinking watercolour or acrylic paint." She shrugs, rolling her shoulders. "Still debating though."
"I'd lean more toward watercolour," he supplies his opinion, "however that is up to you."
"I'll consider it," she says quietly.
Compliments mean the world to her nowadays, especially when it comes from someone who actually means it. After the entire thing with Walsh- who was never supportive of her artistic endeavors apparently- she didn't have much self-esteem on her works. She never believed in herself, and if it wasn't for David, Ruby and Killian, she'd probably be on the streets in all her horrible glory.
Her sheet of paper in the sketchbook is made of messy scribbles from both her and Killian, and it warms her a little bit. He wasn't kidding about the helping part, not that she was doubting him that much. She's good at calling out a liar, and a while back, he wasn't technically lying about the entire "I'm going to be a good friend and help you out" thing.
She glances at the time at the bottom right of her laptop. 4:41 PM. When did time go by that fast?
"Hey," he says softly. "You okay?"
"Yeah. I'm fine," she answers, stretching her neck. "I just didn't realize time had gone by that fast today."
He chuckles. "Indeed, you're right."
His laughs always make her happy somehow, just somehow, but she's not willing to diverge deeper into these observations. She doesn't like being let down, she doesn't want her heart to be broken a third time, she doesn't want to ruin a perfectly good relationship with Killian. If she lets these emotions break through her, it'll distract her and will probably drag her down to the depths of her troubles again- somewhere she's not wanting to visit.
Let's just say that she wasn't exactly in the light after Neal and Walsh. Everything was just nothing to her by that point. But, she was saved, luckily.
All these resurfacing memories, nightmares, hell-like thoughts are pulling her into a trance, at least for awhile she's able to keep her mind off of it while Killian helps her with her ideas. But running, running away from these things are just merely impossible. There are just some thing she can't run from, like pain and sorrow, loneliness and abandonment. The things that have bothered and burdened her entire life from the very beginning. Engraved harm and scars that never fade away.
She closes her eyes and lets out a small breath to calm her nerves.
"I've never really supported your art, Emma. I mean, how are you going to find a job?"
She really wants to punch him straight in the jaw and just run. And of course, she's holding back tears because she cannot cry in front of him like this. She's being strong and realistic here, she's not going to show him her vulnerability.
Giving her heart to him, to trust him was a horrible idea. It leads exactly to this. Heartbreak. Struggles and trouble, frustration and confusion, a sense in losing your navigation through life. "Screw off, Walsh," she hisses, pushing him away. "I thought I could trust you, but you're exactly the opposite of who I thought you were. You're a damn liar," she says, raising her voice with every word. "I'll find a job regardless of what you say." Her voice cracks.
She doesn't know if she'll honestly find a job being an artist.
"Emma?"
Her eyes dart open at the familiar accented voice. He never uses her first name. And when he does, it's only in the most serious of situations.
"You blanked out on me there, love. Is there something bothering you?" he asks, his hand moving up to rest on her shoulder.
She nearly flinches at his touch. Nearly. "Nothing, I'm fine," she responds, a little bit too quick though. "I just remembered something from before."
He nods. "Whatever you say. But you do know you can discuss anything with me, right, lass?"
"I know, Killian." She sighs. "I know."
She can feel her face turn into a frown slowly, her mood turning immediately sombre and lost once again. She can trust Killian, which is not surprising considering how he's helped her a lot within the past three years, but she just can't talk to him about this stuff. This is a problem- her problem. She bottles up emotions, thoughts and everything else possible, making it hard for others to ever really bond with her when they try to. In this case, it's her fault. She's the one pulling away from him, refusing to ever put such a load on his shoulders.
He has a bright future ahead of him, she doesn't want to be the reason of his downfall or any of his problems. It's the last thing on her mind for him. Although he can be a real dick to her sometimes, she's still very thankful for the fact he's been a supportive friend from the start. Flirting and innuendos aside, he's genuine and real. Smug smirks and bad boy behaviour aside, he's cooperative and hardworking for what comes for him. He does things; he fights for what he wants.
He's more than she's ever deserved.
Suddenly, the phone in her pocket goes off, making her jolt upwards. Reaching into her back pocket, she looks at the bright screen.
Not exactly the person she expects.
She doesn't answer the call, but slips the phone back in her pocket as Killian eyes her suspiciously. That's right, she thinks, he reads me like an open book. Without a second thought, she closes her laptop and sketchbook now, setting it aside for later.
"Who was it?"
"No one," she mutters, climbing into David's bed.
"That means it was someone."
"Not the time to pry, Jones," she warns him.
He sighs and nods. "Apologies, lass."
The rest of the afternoon consists of mostly silence and a couple of exchanged words. The person who called her has not stopped yet, and she's just about to chuck that thing across the room if she needs to. It's not until Killian starts getting annoyed with her distant behaviour does he steal her phone- he noticed the amount of times she had checked her phone over time. She doesn't even bother stopping him from taking it from her, because he's going to figure out at some point, whether it be by rumours or by her telling him the truth.
It's exactly the reason of why she hates fucking relationships. Sometimes, collateral damage just becomes her reality, and that's precisely the reason of why she hates it. She hates it when things spiral out of her control, where she'll no longer be able to make a proper decision, where she'll no longer be able to not take offense to words being yelled accusingly at her, where she'll no longer be able to stand stably, but has to run away and go into solitude before she breaks down. And the problem here is, Killian knows this stuff, he's seen it happen, he's been with her when she happened with Walsh.
He drops the phone on the table with a loud bang, shaking his head as he stares her down. "Why did you not tell me about this?" he inquires, perching down on the edge of the bed.
"Because I didn't feel like I should," she answers.
Killian exhales a breath. "You should've. He's calling you, love. How did he even get your phone number in the first place?"
"That, I have no clue," she mumbles, clenching her eyes shut at the thought. How does one get a phone number like that? Connections with others probably. But very little people have her number, and it consists of her closest friends; closest friends that would never betray her. "My life never goes by without a problem popping up one way or another," she complains and then purses her lips together in frustration.
"Do you know what he wants from you?" he asks.
"Nope." She scrubs a hand over her face. "Unless he wants to get back together, which is never going to happen. I really have no clue what's going on in that mind of his, I thought I made it clear that we weren't ever going to work," she says.
And she's admitting all this to Killian. Burdening him with more than she should. But it's tumbling all out of her mouth anyways, he knows the truth, he's probably not going to step away, which means he's in this for the long haul. Again.
"I've yet to see you fail, Swan. You'll figure it out in due time," he encourages. "And of course, you've got me, the man with the dashing good looks."
She laughs. "I guess. Thanks, Killian."
"Was that an indirect confirmation from Emma Swan that I'm good looking?" he taunts, his fingers brushing against her hand. "That's quite new for you, darling."
"You know you're good looking, do you need me to really confirm that you are?"
"No," he says, "but perhaps I just like hearing it from you."
Her eyes snap open, her heart clenches, her chest tightens, the butterflies she hasn't felt for a year return in full force. He makes her smile and laugh, he makes her angry and frustrated. He makes her feel cared for, he encourages her with all of his own heart. Why hasn't she realized this earlier? She's definitely attracted to him, and with Walsh trying to bust his own ass back into her life, her old, but resurfacing fresh feelings for Killian are threatening to take over her.
Forcing a smile, she shakes her head at how much he flirts. "You're good looking, alright?" For now, she can't do anything. She doesn't want to risk it. She doesn't want to fall for him like this, it's just probably a temporary infatuation for all she knows. A friendship, a good friendship is not worth her screwing it up because of some emotions.
"Ah, you have enlightened me for the day, love."
"For the day? Are you implying that I need to say that everyday now?"
"Perhaps…"
Emma rolls her eyes. "You're incorrigible, Jones."
A bright smile forms on his face as he laughs. Although she's in bed, she knees him in the back carefully- not too hard- which makes him stumble forward off the edge of the bed. Keeping the welling laughter inside of her in, she rolls onto her side.
"I'll take that as a warning then," he mumbles, flicking the light on. "It's getting rather late." He peeks out the window.
"Yeah. And warm."
He nods. "Summer is in a little over a month. Are we doing that cottage thing again this year?"
"I think." She props herself on her elbows. "We'd have to ask Ruby, who'd have to call Elsa, who'd have to ask Anna," she explains. It's literally a snowball of people to ask.
"Ah, that's right. The sisters. Well, it'd be a nice getaway from all our educational stress," he says.
"Last year was a mess though," she mutters, recalling when they jumped into the really freezing cold water that surely made her nearly fall to the ground.
They're probably thinking about the same thing as they both glare at each other with the same look. He smiles, and so does she, and oh- here comes the flutters in her stomach again. Ignoring this is going to be more difficult than she had anticipated, but if it means keeping her close friendship with him, then she is willing to go through the troubles of shoving the thought of it to the back of her brain.
"Shall we go grab something for dinner? Coffee does not supplement our needs for the day, love." And there's that of course. She's barely eaten the entire day, not really noticing any hunger in light.
She nods. "Yeah, sure." Now, she's far more aware with the way he says 'love' to her, and it's not good. She's never really paid attention to the pet names, but it's there, and it's very evident to her.
Punch her in the gut, but she's falling into something far more worse than she's expected. And she's the one who's gone through heartbreak a deadly two times. She's the one who should have her walls super high, where no one can penetrate them. But clearly, Killian can, and he already has because she trusts him more than anyone. Which is weird, because she doesn't remember ever putting up with any of his shit from before. Just how exactly did he do it without her even properly noticing it? Not that it's a bad thing to her of course, it's just she's being overly cautious.
He feels herself stirring as she walks alongside him, strolling down campus to head over to the nearby diner to get some food to settle their stomachs. If Killian notices that she's still acting a little bit off, he doesn't question, and she's eternally grateful that he doesn't. She's not ready to come in terms with her dumb feelings that probably won't last longer than a week; at least she thinks they won't last longer than a week.
It's a bad deduction she's already made about her own emotions, but knowing Emma Swan, being Emma Swan, she knows well enough she's not ready. But then, there's something nagging her about the way he acts toward her differently compared to many of the other girls he's come across. Everything is making itself clear, and it's way too painfully clear for her to handle. She's tapping her fingers impatiently on the table as they wait for their food.
And when the food does come, she immediately digs into it- mannerly of course- to avoid conversations. Except, typically you're supposed to actually hold conversations when eating, and she's not the one who wants to actually talk at the moment.
"Spill it, lass," he demands quite blatantly. "You've been on edge for the past half hour. What's wrong?"
"Something dumb," she mumbles as she takes a drink from her hot cocoa. "Like, really pointless." It's not pointless, it's a sign, it's a god damn attraction that's beating me down. Except she's unable to say that of course.
"When you insist something is pointless," he says, popping a fry into his mouth, "it's quite the contrary."
"Am I seriously that easy to read?"
"When I've known you for this long, yes, indeed you are easy to read," he tells her, taking a sip from his drink. "It's about that buggering Walsh, isn't it?"
She sighs, shrugging. "Sort of, I guess."
"You're going to be fine, Swan," he assures her, smiling while he says it. "Try something new, darling, it's called trust. And if you trust me and all the others around that care for you, then you'll be as safe as a babe in their crib."
"Sometimes they can climb out," she mutters.
"Don't be such a pessimist, love."
"When you're me, these wounds and issues tend to linger far longer than you want them to."
"I know."
"And how would you know?" she asks, the curiosity getting the best of her.
He glances away out the window they're sitting beside. "I've lost a love once too. Was a long time ago, but I know how the pain never really does subside when you'd like it to." He looks back at her, and she notices the flash of pain, there's no longer a bright blue, but something neutral. "Or when the feelings have resurfaced, but you're cautious and reluctant on ever wanting to act on them because of fear," he continues.
"Read me straight from the book," she murmurs, finishing off her food. "And it then feels like hell when you feel hopeless." But, she does wonder what he means by resurfacing feelings. Does he like someone? Hell, it's just a mere, probably irrational observation.
"Aye." He chugs the rest of his water down. "It's a bad feeling. But you learn to bear it- to overcome it at some point," he says, "and I have faith that you can overcome your own pain."
"You might as well be my therapist," she quips, finishing her hot cocoa. "You know everything about me by this point, and you've continued to support me like this from the beginning. Though, I was never really fond of all your jokes when we first met."
"You know me, love." He smiles, and the usual blue in his eyes returned. "Split the bill?"
"Yeah." It's a thing she likes about him. He never insists on paying for her, and in return, neither does she. Instead, the both of them does the equal work, and that is another reason why Killian is far more than she deserves from any man. "I think I'm going to have to work off all that fat I've gained from the food," she mumbles under her breath, slipping out of the booth.
"Nonsense," he exclaims, "you're beautiful no matter what, love. Needless to say, you aren't fat either."
"Wow, you're being really nice to me today and I don't know why." She brings her hands up in her defense. "Not that I'm complaining," she adds on.
"A friendly reminder that I am your neighbourly gentleman."
"Fancy as always, Jones."
"Anything for you, m'lady." He winks.
He winked at her. She takes in a sharp breath before she smiles and smacks him playfully on the arm. "This act is going far more seriously than expected."
When they get back to the dorm, her phone has another load of messages and calls from Walsh, and then some from Ruby and Mary Margaret. She deletes everything from Walsh of course, at least until she accidentally presses play on the voicemail. Killian spins around at the sound, but she quickly closes it and gets rid of it.
"Woops," she murmurs.
Checking on Ruby's messages are mostly apologies and the asking of her whereabouts.
calm yourself, Ruby. i'm rooming with Killian for awhile
Not a second later, her phone buzzes.
wait, what?! but that's literally like two steps away from our dorm
oh, and killian? what about david?
David is with MM. after last night, i think i'll stick to a room where i know it'll be quiet for working on my project. he even helped me
oooooooooooooh. well, sorry.
i know you are.
well good luck with killian
why? he's perfectly tolerable… sometimes
you know it seems like he likes you.
as a friend? yeah
more than that. look, Emma, he offers you his room, you're alone with him, he's helping you with your project. doesn't that seem more than friends?
uh, no not really
think about it Em
no thank you.
you can't keep living in the past. if you want my input, i think Killian's the perfect guy for you. trust me.
if he likes you, he won't stop liking you until you reciprocate the feelings. but i think you already do like him soooooo...
It takes her a couple of seconds to consider what Ruby's saying. She glances over her shoulder at Killian, and he's typing away on his laptop in bed. Trust me. Trust- that's a problem. She can trust her, but… there's still self-doubt within her. And that's an issue for another day.
shut up. i don't need you to tell me how i feel. i'd know if i like him or not.
im telling you my observations, girl. it's probably accurate too.
To be frank, there's a chance she does like him, and it's scaring the living shit out of her. Ruby's sort of right, but Emma's not willing to take her risk.
ttyl.
this conversation isn't over!
She places her phone on the table. "I'll be back. I need to get some stuff from next door," she mumbles as she heads out. While she knows Ruby is possibly in there, she takes the risk anyways and swings the door open.
The lights are off, and the room is clean and empty. Thank god, she thinks, going over to her side of the room, grabbing some stuff and stuffing it into her bag. Books, clothes and enough to last for another week or two go with her into Killian's dorm. He eyes her the entire time, and she can feel the burning gaze on the back of her head.
"What're you staring at, Jones?" she asks, keeping herself occupied with the book she pulls out.
"Nothing, really." He's not lying. "But Emma Swan being my new roommate- temporarily- stuns me, love."
Two can play at that game, she thinks. "So I make you speechless? That's new."
"Not new," he mutters.
She doesn't catch that on time, instead she turns around to look at him. "What?"
"Nothing," he responds, smiling at her.
Instead of asking again, because she realizes he's lying, she just rolls her eyes and grabs her toothbrush and toothpaste. With that, she heads off into the washroom, and the entire time she brushes her teeth, her mind is set on a couple of things. Particularly things that she doesn't actually want to shed light on, things she tends to run away from; feelings, the truth, false hope. Given that she never had a good start in life, being the orphan she is, it's always been hard for her to really work at it. To do something, find her passion, and now that she has, even after two heartbreaks, she's still trying. Trying and failing, but something keeps her going.
And although she's not going to probably ever admit it, Killian is the one person who keeps her going. He's the one who believes in her, encourages her more than anyone. She'll never think past that though, and because of this barricade she's already put up, it's keeping out more than what she's keeping in.