Chapter 6: The Wedding Crashers
"So, any idea about when he's getting hitched?" Sky asked as the group wandered down another tunnel.
"No. She wasn't exactly forthcoming with the details," Stella replied. "You know, maybe we'll get lucky and Brandon has already convinced her to call the whole thing off. Then we can all sit down and laugh about it. Right?" Stella asked, sounding like she was desperately trying to convince herself.
"Doubt it," Abrupto commented. "Amentia is the stubborn type".
"What do troglodyte marriages even entail?" Bloom asked.
"Typically, only royals get married. Cements who has the leadership, even if one or both of the royals take additional mates," Abrupto explained. "As you might imagine, it saves us a lot of trouble. But sometimes, non-royals want marriage too".
"Right. And when you do get married, what happens?" Sky asked.
"You take the walk of virtue, go to the crystal altar, exchange gifts in front of said altar and usually seal it with mutual eye cleaning," Abrupto explained.
"Eye cleaning? That thing with the tongue you do?" Stella asked.
Abrupto emitted a grunt of confirmation.
"Alright. Not cool. No woman is going to jab her tongue in my boyfriend's eye," Stella angrily muttered.
"Also traditional, returning to bedchamber to mate after wedding feast," Abrupto continued.
"Brandon porking a troglodyte. Not a pretty image," Sky said and shuddered.
Stella grumbled something under her breath.
"But wouldn't it be kinda... Pointless?" Bloom asked. "I mean, we are different species. Could Brandon and Amentia even mate?"
Abrupto responded with a non-committal grunt and a shrug.
"Doesn't matter if they can, because they won't," Stella angrily muttered.
"Are you okay?" Aisha asked.
"NO, I AM NOT!" Stella furiously erupted. She took a deep breath and continued with: "My boyfriend is about to be forced into some crazy marriage because... Well, because reasons. Reasons that none of us even know. But I'm not going to let her. You'll see".
"Right," Amore stated. "Just don't go completely..." She twirled around in mid-air, now suddenly dressed in a blood splattered wedding dress and wielding a knife. "Yah, give me my beloved, stab, stab, stab," she manically exclaimed, before spinning around again, now clad in a pink dress.
"I'll go 'stab, stab, stab,' on that crazy lizard if that's what it takes," Stella continued, stomping down the tunnel.
"Alright, but how about we make brutally murdering someone plan Q?" Sky asked. "Still on the table, just really far away on the table. Sounds good?"
"I guess," Stella sighed. "Look, I'm just a bit agitated. Sorry for snapping".
"Well, it could be worse. At least Brandon can refuse to mate with her," Bloom said. After a moment, she turned to Abrupto and asked: "He can refuse, can't he?"
"He can also refuse marriage," Abrupto pointed out. "Look how well that's working for him".
Stella began gritting her teeth.
"It would probably help a lot if we were able to discern her motive," Tune suggested. "As of now, we know so little about this Princess Amentia and her plans for Brandon that we might as well assume she could pull off anything".
"That's what really worries me," Sky added.
"That's what tots pisses me off," Stella grumbled.
"I was just thinking. Won't forcing somebody like Brandon into a marriage cause troubles with Eraklion?" Bloom asked.
"It would, but I can't say how serious the response would be," Sky replied. "I mean, Brandon is 'just' my squire. My dad may consider him expendable". After a rather frightening glare from Stella, the blond prince immediately added: "Then again, since Brandon is officially in a relationship with Stella, it might make him a lot more important. Must admit I'm not always sure myself how it all works. And I for one most certainly consider him important, so that will probably also affect how my dad will rule on this. Not to mention that Brandon's relationship with Stella would mean that this whole marriage thing could also bring them into conflict with Solaria".
"Not could. Will," Stella stated in an ominous tone.
...
"I'm sorry, I must have heard wrong," Brandon said as he stared at Amentia. "Could you please repeat yourself?" The princess had had him escorted from the small room, which more or less functioned as his cell, to her own bedchamber for what she said was very important business.
"We're going to have a doctor look you over and check how compatible we are," Amentia replied. "It will be rather important for our marriage".
"Okay, I'm going to repeat what I think you said and then you can confirm or deny," Brandon said slowly. "You're going to have some doctor prod my junk to see if we can have sex, purely for the 'mating' we will do as part of a marriage act I have no interest in to begin with, thus making this all kinds of creepy and uncomfortable. Was I anywhere near getting that right?"
"Actually, that was spot on," Amentia replied.
"Alright, no, not going to happen," Brandon said firmly. "I'm only marrying you because otherwise you'd probably have your goons break my legs or something like that, but sleeping with you? I don't know if it at any time made its way through your skull, but I'm already in a relationship. An exclusive relationship, no hanky-panky with others allowed".
"Why do you insist on making this so difficult?" Amentia sighed in annoyance. "So, what, you're not going to see the doctor?"
"There's no reason for me to," Brandon replied stubbornly.
"Well, I do have a bed here," Amentia pondered. "So really, there's no need for us to go to a doctor to figure out possible mating issues. And after all, why wait for the wedding?"
Brandon just stared at the princess for many long seconds, before shuddering and saying: "Alright, you win. But I will say that you are sick in the head".
"Yeah, yeah, whatever, let's get this over with," Amentia said dismissively as she opened the door to the room. "Alright, he's ready".
An orange troglodyte with a bag full of different instruments marched in and observed Brandon as Amentia left the room. "Alright. Strip," the orange-tinted doctor ordered.
Twenty minutes of prodding, probing, touching, measuring and other medical procedures to get an understanding of the squire's anatomy followed.
Afterwards, the doctor let Amentia in again while Brandon finished getting dressed.
"Well?" Amentia asked.
"He's only got one," the doctor grunted. "Also, it's somewhat inverted. So be careful, the whole thing is pretty sensitive".
"Okay. That's weird," Amentia said somewhat surprised. "Anything else?"
"Yes. He also urinates with it," the doctor continued. "Very confusing".
"Well, that's disgusting," Amentia said and shuddered.
"I can hear you!" an annoyed Brandon called from the corner, where he was putting his shirt on.
"Also note, skin is sensitive and full of weird growth. Don't pluck them, it hurts," the doctor warned. "Other than that, just follow standard medical advice and don't expect any children. You have a good day now". Then the doctor left through the door.
"Well, despite your, to put it mildly, unusual anatomy, it would seem we won't have any problems," Amentia stated.
"I disagree. I see plenty of problems," Brandon grumbled. "The first and foremost being that you're seriously planning on forcing me to mate with you for no other reason than to make sure your fake marriage seems authentic. That's seriously disturbing and fucked up. Not to mention it seems completely unnecessary. What, is your dad going to come in and check the sheets after the deed is done or something?"
"Why do you have to be so ridiculously difficult about this," Amentia groaned, scratching her head. "You get to be king, get loads of riches, mating rights to a princess who will be queen one day, plus you can still be with whomever you want on the sideline. Why can't you just accept that?"
"Maybe because that's not what I want;" Brandon stated.
"Whatever. Guards, my husband-to-be is ready to be escorted back to his room," Amentia called.
...
"Are we there yet?" Stella groaned.
"I think so. I think I recognise that tunnel," Aisha offered.
"Great. So in conclusion, we must still be somewhere in Underland," Sky stated.
"Hey, Abrupto. Do you know how far away Domum is?" Bloom asked.
The troglodyte shrugged and replied: "Depends. The recent cave-ins makes it hard to say". The group turned around a corner and walked into a tunnel filled with glowing crystals of all sorts, which were illuminating the cave to the point of making the use of a flashlight quite redundant.
Bloom observed a green crystal as they passed, before asking: "You mentioned a crystal altar. Is it made of this kind of crystal?"
"Not made from," Abrupto corrected. "Would be hubris to reshape crystals, to see whatever form we give it as being superior to its own. Brings bad luck. No, the crystal altar was found in the shape it is now, once it was freed from the stone. It brings blessings of fortune and fertility".
"Can a crystal do that?" Bloom quietly asked Stella.
"Tots possible I guess," Stella replied with a shrug.
"Anyways, so crystals bring fertility. Do they do anything else?" Bloom asked curiously, as she returned her attention to Abrupto.
"Crystals may bring any number of boons or curses," the orange-tinted troglodyte continued. "Depends on the crystal, really. Some can even predict the future".
"They do? How?" Bloom asked.
"When a troglodyte is born, they are brought to the crystal seers, who determine their birth crystal," the big troglodyte explained. "I'm born under the blue crystal. The seers interpret the glows of the crystals to foretell the future. Not foolproof, but can give an idea of what to look out for".
"Reminds me of astrology," Bloom said.
"Hmm?" Abrupto questioned.
"It's when people interpret the... Have you ever been to the surface?" Bloom asked, wanting to make sure she could explain the concept.
"Occasionally, yes," the troglodyte replied. "Mostly when the deep shadows have fallen across the land. The bright light that's there otherwise hurts my eyes".
"Right. Astrology is the art of interpreting the small lights in the sky for clues about the future," Bloom explained. "I'll admit I don't know that much about it, so I can't really tell you how it works. Back on track, you mentioned the crystal seers? Do they do anything else but reading into the crystals for a look at the future?"
"The crystal seers also commune with any new crystal, to find out where it draws its power from and what boons and blessings it might confer" Abrupto replied as he resumed his explanation. "Most common crystals are the crystals of communion. Brings blessings of understanding, cooperation and partnership. Usually small and used for lamps, though the hall of the crystal seers has one the size of me. Aids them in understanding the crystals".
"If they can really do that, I might have more use for them than mere decorations," Aisha mused.
"You will have to talk with the seers about that," Abrupto warned. "You must understand how to treat the crystal or its blessings will turn into curses. What the crystals give they can take away again".
"Right. Treat the crystals with respect," Aisha repeated out out loud to herself.
"But if the crystals are like this, won't the altar object to Brandon's shotgun wedding?" Sky inquired.
"Might. Crystals are fickle. There will be a seer for the wedding, so who knows. Crystals are not people though. They don't feel like we do," Abrupto informed. "The altar may not care that the marriage is forced, only that it is a marriage. I wouldn't know. Many troglodytes think the crystals benevolent, but if they were, they would give out blessings freely, not in return for rituals. At least, that's how my mom used to see it and I agree with her".
"Right. Don't count on glowing rock to save Brandon. Gotcha," Sky repeated. "I guess it would have been too convenient for the altar to just go 'Nope. That shit ain't right'".
"Don't worry. I can handle doing that," Stella grumbled while adjusting her ring.
"Should we be afraid?" Piff asked Tune.
"I think we should have started hours ago when she first started contemplating a possible premeditated murder vendetta," Tune dryly replied.
...
"Hmm, lots of guards," Abrupto noted. They had finally reached Domum and had stopped between several large rocks that allowed them to see the entrance, which was patrolled by several heavily armoured orange troglodytes with various heavy weapons, assisted by several lighter armed blue and yellow troglodytes.
"Isn't that normal?" Sky asked. "I mean, if it's a royal wedding, won't you need extra security?"
"Yes. At the castle," Abrupto pointed out. "There have been added extra guards to the borders after the rotting ones started showing up, but nothing like this. Stay here and make no sound". Then the orange-tinted troglodyte wandered off.
"Alright, let's play the quiet game," Piff enthusiastically said, before sitting down in silence with a look of intense concentration.
"Right. Can do," Amore said, twirled and suddenly resembled a pixie statue in deep thought. Looks and shrugs were exchanged between the other members of the group.
Minutes later, Abrupto came back. "Bad news," he grunted. "It would seem Amentia was concerned that you might return, Stella. So the guards are under orders to keep an eye out for you or any other surfacers and detain you until the end of the marriage ceremony. Fortunately, they now believe I've escorted you back to the surface".
"Right. Thanks, big guy. That gives us an opportunity to sneak in," Sky said as he peered over a rock. "Damn it, stealth is so not my speciality".
"Stealth is not your speciality, survival is not your speciality, leadership is not you speciality," Stella listed while counting on her fingers.
"Yeah, I'm not that kind of soldier," Sky admitted. "But I'm very good at hitting things very hard".
Abrupto grunted in a way that could be interpreted as an approval for the talent of hitting things very hard.
"Unfortunately, that is not the skill set required for this particular headache," the blond prince continued, before he started to scout around, occasionally muttering to himself. "Alright, I might have an idea. How about this? Abrupto, you go chat with those guards, thus distracting them. Then we sneak through that door over there".
"What if somebody's home?" Bloom questioned.
"Just say you misunderstood orders from a guard, then ask to go through the front door," Abrupto said. "More serious concern is if the door's locked".
"Well, you could investigate it before speaking with the guards," Tune suggested. "After all, you did say that there were more monsters in the tunnels nowadays. Simply claim you're looking for possible entry points if anybody asks".
"Could work. Not currently on duty, but I am expected to keep an eye out anyway," Abrupto grumbled. "Okay, it's a plan. We meet on the other side. Don't go out until I'm there". The orange-tinted troglodyte lumbered off.
"Okay, but we gotta be fast once he's got their attention," Sky warned. "So just to warn you, if anybody trips and gets caught, then we're not going back for you. Abrupto said that you will only get detained, so there's no need to risk all of us getting discovered".
"I suppose that is for the best," Bloom muttered, though obviously not a fan of the idea.
"Guys, he's checked the door. It's unlocked," Piff informed them as she scouted ahead. "And now he's talking with the guards".
"Alright, on my mark," Sky ordered as he kept an eye on the proceedings, waiting for the right moment. "Go".
As one, the group moved forward, sticking to the shadows of the large rocks and trying to move both quickly and silently. Fortunately, whatever conversation Abrupto had started was both loud and enthusiastic, drawing the attention of many guards, even the ones not part of the discussion. As they neared the door, Stella stumbled over a rock. To her credit, she managed to suppress a yelp, but she had still made some noticeable noise.
One of the troglodytes turned to investigate the sound, when Abrupto hit him on the shoulder while declaring: "Listen, this is the best part".
With the guard distracted once more, Aisha hurried to help Stella up and get through the door that Sky was keeping open.
"That... Was close," he gasped. "Doesn't look like anybody's home".
"It is kind of rude, don't you think," Tune said. "I mean, I understand that this is our best option, but it just doesn't feel right to barge into somebody's home".
"I hear ya," Sky agreed as he headed to the front door. "Alright, I'll keep an eye out for the big guy. The rest of you, don't make too much noise".
"Why do the houses around here look so boring?" Piff questioned as she looked out a window. "This place could do with some colours".
"Well, they do have those crystals of theirs," Tune pointed out. "They add contrast".
"Yeah, but how much?" Piff asked. "Honestly, people should contact the troglodytes and start trading with them, if only to introduce them to paint".
"You know, I'm inclined to agree with the blonde one," Stella added while checking the scrapes she had gotten from the fall.
"Alright, he's signalling us," Sky said from the front door. "Let's go".
...
"So, where are we going?" Sky asked as they hurried down the street.
"We need to know when the wedding is," Abrupto explained. "The castle is secured, but the crystal altar is out in one of the outer courtyards".
"Right, I hear ya," Sky said in realisation. "It will be easier for us to get into the yard than into the castle proper".
"Right. But we need info from somebody we can trust," Bloom said. "We can't risk somebody alerting the guards".
"Sponsus," Abrupto grunted.
"I remember him. Poor guy. I can't even begin to imagine how he's feeling right now," Stella said, sadly shaking her head.
"HALT!" a voice suddenly yelled and the group turned to see three troglodyte guards, one yellow flanked by two orange, march up to them. The yellow looked the people over, before asking: "Aren't they the surfacers?"
"They are. I'm taking them to detention," Abrupto grunted as he stepped up to the yellow.
"Right, how kind of you. But you're off duty I see, so we'll just take them from here," the yellow-tinted troglodyte ordered.
"I said, I'm taking them," Abrupto growled.
"Trying to impress the royals? Sorry, but we'll make sure everything goes according to orders," the yellow shot back.
Abrupto suddenly stared at something behind the yellow, before asking: "And what about those surfacers?"
"What?" the troglodyte soldier said and looked over his shoulder. "I don't see any..." Abrupto's fist collided with his turned head and sent him flying into one of the other guards, knocking both of them into a stand full of urns. The remaining guard growled and raised his club, but Abrupto jumped him and grabbed his hands, the two massive troglodytes now wrestling each other for control of the weapon.
"We have to help him!" Sky exclaimed and drew his weapon, looking for an opening.
Meanwhile, Aisha looked to an urn and concentrated. A gout of water shot out and flew through the air, hitting the troglodyte guard in the face. He spluttered as his nostrils and mouth were filled with water, giving Abrupto the chance to head butt the fellow, knocking him to the ground.
"Alright, let's move!" Abrupto ordered and the group fled the disoriented guards.
Minutes later, the city became a frenzy of activity as news of the intruders spread. Patrols stormed around the city, questioning citizens, investigating alleys, searching hiding spots and generally leaving no stone unturned. Only Abrupto's familiarity with the city saved the group from discovery, though there had been several close calls.
"The princess really doesn't want us here," Aisha commented as they hid in another shadowy alley.
"This is abnormal," Abrupto stated. "Why is she so eager to marry this Brandon? This is much more trouble than it should be worth".
"Hey, I think he's worth the trouble," Stella interjected.
"I did not wish to insult your mate," Abrupto stated. "But there must be something else going on. She could have almost any troglodyte she wants. Why Brandon?"
"You think there's more to this than just a suddenly developed human fetish?" Sky asked.
"Maybe. We'll ask Sponsus," came Abrupto's grunt of declared intent. "Come. We move again".
...
Not long after, they managed to reach the clinic where Sponsus worked. Stella recognised it as the place he had taken care of them in.
"Coast is clear. Let's move," Sky said and the group followed him across the street. In the distance, the noise of guards could be heard in the form of yelling, orders and the rhythmic thundering of heavily armoured feet. The group ascended an outside staircase and entered the building.
The clinic was just as Stella remembered, sparsely decorated, but very utilitarian. By a table sat Sponsus, mixing medicine while reading various reports, occasionally taking a sip from a glass of amber liquid.
"Yes, just tell me what you need and I'll be right with you," he said as he barely acknowledged the presence of his guests.
"Sponsus?" Stella asked. "Are you okay?"
"Huh, what?" the blue-tinted troglodyte asked as he turned around. "Me? Why, I'm fine. I'm getting loads and loads of work done. So much I should have done before, but I didn't have the time for it before now".
Abrupto crooked his head as he studied Sponsus, before gruffly asking: "When did you last sleep?"
"Sleep? Haven't got time to sleep. Loads of work to do, lots of sick people to cure. Especially with all the guests coming in," Sponsus rambled, taking another sip of amber liquid. "Been busy, why, I've had consultations all morning. Troglodytes from all nearby cities and colonies, and even some that are far away, are showing up to see the royal wedding. It is a pretty big happening after all. Very big. So now, I'm mixing up more batches for medicine. Because that's what I do. I fix people up. And I need the medicine for what my magic can't handle. So that's why I'm very busy and need you all to leave and..." He kept on rambling, constantly getting farther and farther off subject.
"Alright, I think he's blown a fuse," Sky commented. "Or what do you think?" He looked to the side, only to notice Amore in a straitjacket, wearing a facial expression like she had just been smacked with a frying pan. "Yeah, knew it wasn't just me," the blond prince commented as he returned his attention Sponsus.
"...with the royal wedding and then there's also this new type of plant that's been messing with people up in the colonies, so my mentor sent me some samples that I also need to check out," Sponsus kept rambling, completely lost in his description of his busy everyday life, despite seemingly not having anything resembling a relevant point any more.
Abrupto just kept staring at his friend, before stepping up to him with a spark of determination in his eyes. He raised his massive hand and placed it firmly on Sponsus' shoulder, causing the blue to stop his rambling. Abrupto just looked at Sponsus for a moment, before he took a deep breath and said as empathetically as he could manage: "It's okay that it hurts".
Sponsus just stared at the massive troglodyte for a moment. Then his knees buckled and the orange had to catch him to prevent him from collapsing on the floor. "I just don't know what went wrong," the broken Sponsus moaned as he was laid down on the patient's bed. "I mean, I always thought that I would at least get a clear rejection. But instead, she just marries somebody else in front of me. Who does that? Couldn't she at least reject me first? Is that too much to ask for? She always seemed so appreciative of my gifts and favours, and seemed to like having me around, but she hasn't even talked with me since she decided to marry Brandon. I'm just so confused".
"You're not the only one," Stella said. "But listen, no matter what, I won't allow Amentia to force Brandon into marriage. We need to know when it is so we can save him".
"I understand. You shouldn't share my pain," Sponsus said firmly and took a deep breath. "Alright, I can do this. I actually got an invitation, but I was afraid of what I would do if I showed up".
"So you can give us some of the info we need?" Sky asked.
"I can do better than that," Sponsus said determinedly. "I can come with you. I need to look her in her eyes and ask her why she's doing this. None of this makes any sense".
"We noticed," Abrupto grunted. "She's put Domum on high alert because of the surfacers. She's afraid, but I'm not sure of what".
"You're about to find out," Stella grumbled.
"You sure you will be okay?" Amore asked Sponsus as they left the clinic.
"Yes. It'll be tough, but eventually my bond to her will fade," Sponsus said, causing the redhead pixie to rub her chin with a look of deep pondering.
...
"Yep, this is my big day," Brandon said flatly to the mirror in his room. "My big day. My wedding. Sure was unexpected, but here it is. My wedding. Just wish I could be wed in more clothes". He was dressed in a pair of multicoloured shorts, a cape and an elaborate crown, leaving much of his skin open to exposure to the cold cave air. There was a knock on the door and the squire sighed, before saying: "Come in".
A massive orange troglodyte in elaborate, though sparse, clothes entered. "Hello, Brandon was it? Amentia said your parents couldn't come, so I offered to escort you to the altar".
"How kind of you," Brandon muttered before tearing himself away from his reflection. "So, what should I do?"
"We'll take the path of one-hundred-and-sixty-one steps," the orange informed him. "One step for every good quality in a mate".
"Am I supposed to memorise them all?" Brandon asked as they left the room.
"Of course not. No one does, not even my husband," she cheerfully told him. "Just pick your favourites and do your best. I'm Quoeda, by the way. Looking forward to having you in the family. Amentia has said so much about your turbulent, but passionate courtship when..."
Brandon mentally shut her out, instead occupying his thoughts with trying to device a way to figure out a troglodyte's gender on sight.
...
"Okay, can we just take a short break?" Bloom gasped as the group hurried down a street. As the wedding came closer and closer, the city of Domum became more and more desolate, making it easier for the group to get around. "My sides are starting to hurt".
"Me too," Aisha huffed. "This has been much more trying than my usual exercise routine".
"Sorry, wish we could, but we're low on time as it is," Sky replied understandingly.
"Uh, uh, I know what will help," Piff sudden squealed, before cheering: "Everybody go, everybody run. Because forced marriage ain't no fun".
"I'll agree," Amore added. "These kinds of things just mock the whole concept. I do not like it one bit".
"Not to mention how rude it is," Tune added.
"Right, we all agree on that. Which is why we need to get there as quickly as possible," Sky said.
"ALL OF YOU, HALT NOW!" a voice yelled behind them and the group was suddenly being chased by several guards.
"Alright, not feeling like taking a break any more," Bloom gasped and sped up.
"We have to turn right at the next intersection," Sponsus advised as they ran.
"What? That path will exhaust us," Abrupto replied. "We turn left".
"No, that will make it easy for the guards to follow us," Sponsus argued. "We go right".
"I am not scampering all over the city. Left," Abrupto shot back.
"It's not my fault you're as athletic as a boulder. Right," Sponsus retorted.
"MAKE UP YOUR MINDS ALREADY!" Stella yelled, as the intersection got closer.
"Right".
"Left".
"For crying out loud!" Bloom gasped as they reached the intersection, resulting in the group splitting in three. Sky went with Abrupto, Stella followed Sponsus and Bloom and Aisha kept charging down the street with the pixies.
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think they ever said anything about straight ahead going anywhere. Do you think this will lead us to the wedding?" Tune asked conversationally.
"I DON'T KNOW!" Bloom yelled while glancing over her shoulder at the pursuing guards.
...
"...and this step is honesty, this one is faithfulness, this one is cooking..." Quoeda continued as she enlightened Brandon on the meaning of the many steps. The squire had never imagined that the path would be an actual stairway, with the virtues hammered into the stones. It was quite something, though the brunette was very sure the writers had run out of inspiration at some point. That was the only reason he could think of why pillow fluffing was considered a virtue for a mate.
...
"Over the wall," Sponsus called, before running up a couple of crates.
"There tots had to be less exhausting way to do this," Stella gasped as she replicated the blues' parkour.
..
Sky ducked as a rock flew over his head, crashing against an nearby wall. Not only were several guards pursuing them on foot, but other troglodytes on the rooftops were using their slings to pelt them with rocks.
"DODGE!" Abrupto yelled as another barrage of rocks was sent flying.
"There really had to be a less dangerous way to do this!" the blond prince exclaimed.
...
"What about that way?" Piff suggested as the group stormed through the city. "It leads towards the castle".
"No, there's a wall," Tune sighed. "Try than one instead".
"Wait, no, there's guards," Amore warned. "Try going up there, we need to know where we are".
"Hey, I think I recognise that street," Aisha said helpfully.
"I SWEAR, THERE HAD TO BE A LESS INFURIATING WAY TO DO THIS!" Bloom exploded.
...
"...and you have to let it simmer for a while. My personal spice choices are..." Quoeda continued, oblivious to the complete one-sidedness of the conversation. Or maybe she just hoped small talk would make Brandon less nervous. Not that it did, the squire instead found himself pondering where he went wrong with this brilliant plan of his. Maybe he shouldn't have agreed to the marriage. Seemed like there really was no way of convincing Amentia. He was pretty sure at this point that there had been a less stupid way to do it.
...
Sponsus and Stella leapt from roof to roof, as Abrupto and Sky charged ahead in the alley beneath them, while the rest of the team ran past the opening of said alley. Dozens of guards were pursuing them, occasionally joining and splitting up as the groups zigzagged through the city almost at random. To the guards, it seemed like the group had initiated a brilliant stratagem of evasion that made sure that they couldn't all be caught at once. To the group, it was clear than nobody had any idea what anyone else were doing. In fact, some of them weren't even entirely sure what they themselves were doing.
"This is no good," one of the troglodyte slingers hissed to his commanding officer. "They are getting closer and closer to the castle. What should we do?"
The officer scratched his chin for a moment, before lifting a silver whistle. "Well, she said we could," he grunted. "Might as well". Then he blew into it.
A sound that could not be heard by human ears rang across the city. Then the rocky walls outside of Domum collapsed and massive eyeless beasts with brown, serpentine bodies and massive fanged maws slithered into the city.
...
"What was that noise?" Brandon asked as he was let into the courtyard. It consisted of a great plaza, in the middle of which was a dais on which rested a massive, rough hewn, blue crystal altar, a light softly pulsating within. By its side stood Amentia, impatiently awaiting him while a troglodyte dressed in multicoloured clothes, to the point of barely being visible beneath the layers of fabric, stood by the altar. Surrounding the plaza were seats upon seats, where dozen upon dozen of various troglodytes sat and awaited the ceremony.
"Sounds like they called in the tunnel wyrms," Quoeda said. "Weird, why would that be necessary?"
Brandon found himself hoping that it was necessary because something was about to happen that would allow him to get out of this wedding mess. Amentia's mother let him walk the rest of the way to the altar himself, as she went to join her husband in the seats.
"NOT GOOD, NOT GOOD!" Sky howled as he charged down the alley with one of the tunnel wyrms in pursuit, its body crushing anything that had been left in the alley.
"She's authorised wyrms. What is she afraid of?" Abrupto grumbled.
"I WILL FORCEFEED THAT STUCK UP LIZARD BITCH HER OWN TAIL!" Stella roared from the roofs above.
"MAYBE THAT!" Sky loudly suggested.
The two of them charged out into an open street, wyrm in close pursuit. Only to watch Bloom, Aisha and the pixies charging towards them with another wyrm following them. Eyes widened as the groups realized the inevitable conclusion, even as they kept charging at one another.
"Well, this is bad," Tune dryly commented.
"YOU THINK?" Bloom yelled.
Abrupto suddenly accelerated, club in hand, and ran past the others before leaping. His massive body sailed through the air, before landing on one of the wyrms' head. The serpentine beast hissed and began shaking, but Abrupto gripped its collar and began smacking its head with the club. This distraction allowed Bloom, Aisha and the pixies to turn around and run past the wyrm, alongside Sky.
"WHAT ABOUT ABRUPTO?!" Bloom yelled as they kept running.
"I'M ALMOST SURE HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING!" Sky called as they charged ahead.
They hurried up a stairway, only to see one of the castle gates. Which was currently blocked by a dozen troglodyte heavies.
"I'm don't think charging them is a wise idea," Tune nervously advised as the group charged the guards.
"NEITHER DO I!" Sky roared and drew his weapon while Bloom began charging her magic.
...
"The altar has nothing but blessings of fertility for you," the crystal seer, the troglodyte in the multicoloured clothes, intoned.
"I suspect the altar is being sarcastic," Brandon commented.
"Right, right, blessings be upon us, but does it give consent?" Amentia asked impatiently.
"Hmm, it is very weird. I am not sure I understand," the crystal seer admitted. "It seems to... The altar allows the wedding to proceed but... That's odd".
"What is?" Amentia asked confused.
"Never had this reading before," the seer said. "It seems to be awaiting... The true wedding? And the inevitable... Punchline? I'm not entirely sure, but the ceremony has the altar's blessing".
"Goody," Brandon mumbled.
"Don't mind him, cold feet," Amentia said. "Now, let us get the gifts exchanged".
"You really are the romantic type, aren't you," Brandon sarcastically added.
"And I've already chosen the gifts you will be giving me. I figured it would make things easier," Amentia continued.
"How considerate of you," Brandon said while rolling his eyes.
"I'm a very considerate person," Amentia stated.
"Why is the altar laughing?" the seer mumbled confused as the gifts were brought in. Flowers for Amentia and a ring for Brandon. Terribly generic gifts in the squire's opinion. He'd always imagined his wedding would have involved more personalised gifts. Then again, he also imagined that his wedding would be the real deal, not some sham cooked up by a nutty princess. He started getting lost in thought as he pondered exactly how he would have done his wedding. He probably wouldn't have wanted it to be a public spectacle like this one at least.
"Alright, then do you agree to be bound together, as more than just mates?" the seer asked.
"We do," Amentia quickly said before Brandon could get a word in, not that he seemed to be paying the ceremony any attention any more.
"Princess, I imagine your husband-to-be can speak for himself," the seer added.
"Right. Of course. Silly me," came Amentia's strained voice.
"So, Brandon, do you agree?" the seer asked.
Five seconds passed, as Brandon was still lost in his thoughts, until Amentia lightly kicked his shins, causing him to ask: "Huh? Yeah?"
"You heard him. He agrees," Amentia quickly said, while a bewildered Brandon tried catching up with current events.
"Very well. Then I declare this marriage binding, unless anyone else has anything to protest?" the seer said.
"I DO!" came a furious yell and everybody turned to see Stella stomp down a set of stairs in the side of the plaza. The blonde's clothes were torn and dirty from the exertion of the last couple of days, which combined with scars, wounds, tangled hair, the murderous glare and the ever-tightening grip on her sceptre made the blonde look quite imposing. "I AM PRINCESS STELLA GUILDENSTERN, HEIR TO THE THRONE OF SOLARIA AND I FORBID YOU FROM FORCING MY BOYFRIEND INTO MARRIAGE!"
"Don't mind her. Finish the ceremony," Amentia said quickly.
"Princess, it's okay to be enthusiastic, but there is a time and a place for it," the seer said. "Because I'm pretty sure that that declaration counts as a protest. And one that will need some explanation".
Suddenly, an explosion rang out and several guards were flung through a door in the other end, as a ragged Bloom, Sky and Aisha marched in, flanked by the pixies.
"Alright, let Brandon go. I will not sit by and watch you force my best friend into a marriage," Sky declared threateningly, pointing the sword at the altar. The troglodytes in the seats began to mumble and mutter.
"Princess, is there something you have forgotten to mention?" the seer asked innocently.
"No, they're just crazy. All of them," Amentia desperately said. "Just get the marriage over with".
"Actually..." Brandon began, only for Amentia to clamp a hand over his mouth.
The seer just kept looking at the princess in a way indicating he wasn't particularly busy with finishing anything any time soon.
At that moment there was a roar and several troglodytes scattered as a tunnel wyrm, ridden by Abrupto, slithered down the seats and unto the plaza.
"Stay!" Abrupto loudly ordered the serpentine creature, before jumping off and marching up towards the altar.
"Let me guess. You want to protest this marriage because it is forced?" the crystal seer dryly asked.
"Sums it up," Abrupto growled.
The seer turned to Amentia and seemed to await her response, although at this point she could only manage to mumble something that sounded like: "Mimblewimble".
A tense atmosphere descended ovn the plaza, as everyone awaited what would happen next. Amentia looked around, as the various people she had managed to piss off slowly surrounded the altar. And that's when she noticed Sponsus, who had been following Stella.
And when their eyes met, he didn't yell, demand or get ready to throw down. He just quietly asked: "Why?"
Something seemed to break inside Amentia. Her limbs shuddered as the slowly crumbling façade she had built up finally collapsed. "BECAUSE OF YOU!" she wailed. "BECAUSE YOU'RE BLUE AND I'M SUPPOSED TO MARRY SO I CAN HAVE LOTS OF CHILDREN. BUT I CAN'T MARRY ANY OTHER TROGLODYTE, BECAUSE I WANT YOU". She gasped as her pent up emotions exploded.
"You... What?" Sponsus asked confused.
"Don't you see," Amentia pleaded. "If I married another troglodyte, we could never be together. But there aren't any rules with somebody like Brandon. This way, we could be together".
"Sorry, but I think I notice a little flaw in that 'brilliant' plan of yours," Amore said as she fluttered up to the troglodyte princess.
"And that is?" the princess snapped.
"Simple. In your clumsy quest to free yourself of any problems, you might have created a few new ones," Amore informed her. "Like, oh I don't know, maybe you should make sure Sponsus would be okay with this arrangement".
"Of course he would be," Amentia replied.
"Really now?" the pixie redhead asked. "That's a fact?"
"Yes," the troglodyte princess insisted.
"WRONG!" Amore roared at the princess, causing Amentia to flinch in shock. "You just assume that because that's how you want things to work out. Look at Sponsus and then tell me, without a hint of a doubt, that he would approve".
"He would," Amentia insisted and turned to Sponsus. "Right? You understand why this is necessary, right?" Her voice became steadily more and more uncertain as she stared at Sponsus. "You... You do understand, right? I... I did it for us, Sponsus".
"My dear, I would follow you to the highest mountain and into the deepest abyss," Sponsus started. "But I'm sorry to say that you are wrong. You did this for yourself. I'm sorry, but I could never be with you like this".
"Not only that, but you are this close to bringing the wrath of two entire countries down on your head," Sky added. "So I'm also pretty sure the welfare of your people and your country never crossed your mind in your haste to patch up this problem".
"Wouldn't be the first time," Abrupto added. "I was separated from my closest mate just because I was orange and thus 'Could find another'. She doesn't think of anybody but herself".
"Indeed and then there were the implications you were going mate with Brandon afterwards whether he liked it or not," Tune said disapprovingly. "That is just not okay. You ought to at least have the respect for others to get their consent".
"You think that was weird? I was forced into a medical examination on threats of having her doing an intimate examination herself in order to find out whether we could mate or not," Brandon added.
Amore stared at the princess with open mouth, before saying: "Alright, Princess. This is you". Then she began spinning around. She was now dressed in clothes that managed to mimic Amentia's pretty well and she continued by saying in a creepy voice: "Look at me. I'm princess Creepy-Pants. I'm here to steal your boyfriend and force him into a relationship. I'm also a potential rapist, just by the by".
Amentia seemed to shrink as the accusations kept pelting her.
That's when she sudden noticed her mother was besides her. There was a loud smack as her flattened hand hit her, almost sending the princess tumbling down the stairs. "What were you thinking?" she angrily asked. "If you wanted to marry a blue, why didn't you just say so instead of doing something so... So horrible? I expected better of you".
"But... You always said you... You hoped I would have tons of kids," the now completely broken Amentia stammered.
"That was a personal wish. Not an order," Quoeda frustratedly groaned. "We have plenty of blues in the family. The traditions say you should marry orange or yellow, yes, but it's not a requirement".
Amentia just stared at her mother, before completely collapsing before the altar.
Quoeda sighed heavily, turned to Brandon and said: "I do apologise. She has always had a habit of being stubbornly short-sighted. We had hoped giving her some more responsibility would help, but it seems to have spun out of control".
"As long as I don't get married, I'm willing to forgive and forget," Brandon said diplomatically. "Though I would also like to get properly dressed again".
"So, are we done here?" Stella asked.
"No, not yet," Sponsus said and marched up to Amentia. He looked at her, before reaching out with his hand. Shocked, the troglodyte princess took it and was pulled up. "Look," Sponsus began. "I know you didn't mean to hurt me. I know you never meant to hurt anybody. Or maybe I'm just being stupidly naïve in that regard. But I am willing to forgive you".
"Why?" Amentia asked confused.
"Because he loves you, silly girl," Amore sighed. "All you had to do was to go for the one you loved. There was never any need to make it this complicated. You've only made things harder for yourself".
"That is... I don't even know what to say," Amentia giggled sadly. She turned to the seer and said: "I'd like to finish the ceremony. But with a different husband. If, and only if, he wants me," she added, turning to Sponsus.
"I do," the blue-tinged troglodyte said.
"HIP HURRAY FOR TRUE LOVE!" Piff exclaimed.
"Well, then this bond has been forged. May your lives be filled with bright moments," the seer intoned. He moved his hands over the altar and said: "The crystal altar has one last message".
"And it is?" Amentia asked.
"Cherish the moments you have together, for all things must end," the priest said. "Well, words to live by in my opinion".
"Well, seems like this fracas is over with," Sky said. "Also, Brandon, my man, you look utterly ridiculous".
"Yeah. I know," the brunette squire sighed.
"And we owe you a big thanks, big guy," Sky said as he turned to Abrupto.
"Just didn't want her to end up like me," Abrupto added.
"Well, well, I was wondering if you were even going to show up," a voice said behind them and Abrupto's eyes seemed to widen.
He slowly turned, as if he was afraid that he was just imagining things and gasped: "Teela?"
"Missed me?" the yellow troglodyte asked. Abrupto didn't speak, he just enveloped her in a massive hug, easily lifting her off the ground. "I've missed you too," she giggled.
"I never thought you would come back," Abrupto said.
"I almost didn't," the yellow continued. "We had to go pretty far. The drought affected many of the nearby cities, so they had no room for us. But then invitations were sent out and I joined a troupe of travelling yellow tailors who brought me to Domum for free. I planned on seeing if you still had room for me".
"Always," Abrupto said.
"YAYNESS!" Piff exclaimed at all the tender scenes going on.
...
"I wouldn't believe it if you weren't all insisting on it being true," Riven said. The group had been escorted back to the surface, where they had quickly been able to signal somebody. Moments later, Timmy and Riven had swung by and picked them up in the Red Fountain owl.
"Well, this report will fill in a lot of blanks about the troglodytes," Timmy said as he finished writing. "There's been talk of more contact with them and possible trade. This will probably help a lot".
"Plus, Amentia was so grateful and sorry for it all that she gave us six bottles of the finest wine in all of Underland," Sky added, lifting the box with the bottles up. "So all in all, I look forward to happy hour".
"Didn't take you for a wine person," Riven said. "You always seem to be chugging down beers whenever you decide to fill up on alcohol".
"That's because beer tastes good and is cheaper," Sky replied.
"Right, because the crown prince of Eraklyon needs to save his money for, what, his second gold plated yacht?" Riven snarked.
"Actually, I'm considering making the next one diamond studded," Sky shot back with a smirk.
"I'm just happy to be back on the surface again," Stella said happily, using Brandon's shoulder as a pillow. "I've missed the sun so much".
"And now we're heroes," Bloom said. "We actually accomplished saving the pixies, despite everything".
"Right. We've managed to correct my unfortunate mistake," Aisha added.
"Don't get any ideas into your pretty little heads," Riven advised. "I'll admit that you all got some pretty good skills and some experience. But according to this report you just gave me, you were also really lucky".
"What, jealous that our luck beats your skills?" Stella asked.
"Not at all. Because my skills will at least never result in anything quite as ludicrous as what you all just went through," Riven replied. "What with poor Brandon here almost having to bone a lizard".
"Yeah, could we not ever talk about that ever again?" Brandon asked in an annoyed tone. "I would appreciate that".
"Alright, Alfea is just ahead," Timmy said. "Say hi to Techna for me. And good luck with the teachers".
"What, you think the celebration party is going to overwhelm us?" Bloom cheekily asked as she picked up three of the wine flasks.
"I heard the reception will be quite something," Riven said with a smirk. "Have fun".
"Will do," Stella said as the three girls and the pixies left the owl. They confidently strode through the iron gates of Alfea and then halted. Faragonda had shown up to meet them, although from the expression she had, she was not there to throw them a 'Welcome back, heroines' party. Musa and Flora were also there on a bench to the side, looking quite disapproving, accompanied by Techna, who was giving them all a big grin and thumbs up.
"Hi," Bloom weakly started. "Funny story, you know. We've just been to Underland. And Brandon almost got married. Ha ha, isn't that hilarious?"
No one laughed, though Techna did chuckle.
Faragonda sighed, pinched the bridge of her nose and asked in that really disappointed voice that could make just about anyone feel bad: "Bloom, I consider you a smart young girl. Maybe not brilliant, maybe inexperienced, but smart. So with that in mind, could you possibly inform me how this managed to seem like a good idea?"
"Ehm... Eh... Uhhh," the redhead mumbled and fidgeted with her fingers.
"We had to free the pixies. And we managed to do so," Aisha stated, pointing to said pixies. "See, they're free".
"She's right. We are free," Piff said jubilantly.
Faragonda spent a moment rubbing her temples before continuing with: "I want you girls to imagine a hypethetical scenario. Imagine a man on Limphea who runs into the forest naked while screaming his phone-number as loud as he can. You would think that the man is an idiot with little regard for his own safety. If he in the process manages to scare of a predator that was about to eat somebody else, thus saving them, would that suddenly make him stop being an idiot and start making him a hero?"
"Ehm... Was it intentional?" Stella asked, causing Flora to facepalm.
"Even if it was intentional, there are thousands of dangers on Limphea that makes that particular course of action foolhardy at best," Faragonda sternly continued. "There would be many better options available. Thus, while I commend you on actually managing to free the pixies, I cannot consider your actions to be the product of anything but a complete lack of consideration and forethought. You have been short-sighted, risked too much and managed to ruin Avalon's cover when you had to be saved".
"Reminds me of a certain other princess we ran into," Tune mused.
"Don't go there," Stella warned the pixie.
"Despite all this, the school does not vest me with any power to punish you for this. This is outside my influence and jurisdiction, so I can only disapprove of your actions," Faragonda continued.
Bloom and Stella breathed a sigh of relief.
"But I can punish you for skipping classes without informing your teachers," the headmistress continued. "So expect to spend the next month assisting with various chores. I will also be writing your parents some letters. And yes, that does include you, Aisha. Griselda will be in contact with you. Now do yourself a favour and get to the hospital wing". Then the ageing fairy marched off. On the bench, both Musa and Flora looked quite satisfied with the verdict, while Techna took the chance to charge up to the girls and ask: "Why did you leave me behind?"
"Sorry, you weren't there when we left," Bloom said apologetically.
"I know. Damn it. It would totally have been worth a month of odd jobs," Techna said, shaking her head. "So what's up with Prince being married?"
"Prince?" Stella asked.
"You know, your boyfriend," Techna said. "Come on, did you two get hitched or what?"
"It's a long, long story. A story that is both kinda stupid, kinda weird and maybe also just a tad bit pointless," Bloom said.
"Awesome, those are the best kind of stories," Techna replied happily. "Let's go back to the common room. Then you can pop open one of those bottles of yours and tell us all about your long, stupid, weirdass adventure of pointlessness".
Bloom eyed the pixies for a moment, before thoughtfully saying: "Well, it wasn't entirely pointless".