Decided to update today's chapter early today. Otherwise I won't get round to it at all.

The way I see it, some time around Chapter 6 (of 8), this will become the longest fanfiction I've ever written. I'm unsure as to whether or not this is a good thing. In fact, the real miracle is that I've stuck with it and updated it for this long this quickly.

For those of you not keeping score at home, the score of lives taken at half time was 3-nil, the away team clearly in the lead. With one own goal and two off the rebound, it would take either a miracle or a red card to prevent Squidward from practically running away with the ball.

Unsurprisingly, SpongeBob didn't see it that way. For no matter how much analogy the author uses, the tussle between life and death is not a football game.

My God, the questions tumbling about in his head right now. Why are you killing everybody? Why was Sandy the next to go? Who will be next? If you must kill, why not all at once?
And why did you call me Sandy's boyfriend?

Eventually, he found the one that was the most urgent.
"OK, I get it," he choked out. "You mean business, you want to kill me. I can see that. Now why don't you kill me? Why kill my friends and not me?"
The question surprised Squidward. He'd expected SpongeBob to say something, but this…was odd. Unsettling. And slightly incoherent.
"Are you serious? You want me to put you out of your misery?" His voice expressed no emotion as he said this – that was how surreal the question was.
"N…no…yes…I…" The words came out almost as fast as his tears. "Why t-torture me l-like this? That's a-all I want to know. Surely i-if you want me to suffer y-you'll kill me now."

Squidward needed almost no time to conjure up an answer to this. "Are you kidding me?" he demanded. "You've answered your own question there. The whole reason I'm keeping you alive is because I want you to suffer."
"…I'm confused."
"Look at it like this. I hate you, and – you got that lodged in? I don't want you to think otherwise."
(He almost laughed out loud at the faux politeness.)
"I hate – no – abhor you, and I want you to suffer as much as possible in your final hours. Just killing you and watching you burn won't be enough, because then you'll be dead. The sweet sweet sanctuary of death. Where you feel no pain, no remorse, and no guilt, and you don't have to watch all of your friends dying after you and you don't have to have that feeling in your stomach that prevents you from moving and keeps you stock still and you can't get away and oh God they're coming after you and you can't escape it and don't kill me Daddy I'm too young for this get the fuck away from me you can't torture me like this and and and – AAAARGH!"

He stopped his run-on rant just in time. Oopsie. Gave away more than you meant to there. Calm down, Squidward. Calm, good fear, deep breaths.

"…Let's forget that just happened," he said quietly, in fear of screaming again. "Anyway, you get what I'm saying. Doesn't it therefore make you hurt more that I am killing your pathetic little friends first?
"Tell me, SpongeBob – does it hurt?"
He could only nod. The sorrow clogged up his throat; he was realizing that Squidward had a point.
"Good. Just how I want you to feel."

Mr Krabs hadn't said anything for some time at this point. He was too busy trying to blend into the background. He too wanted survival. He wanted to escape from this alive, so that his money—
No, forget the money. Money wasn't important now. And Mr Krabs never thought he'd be thinking that.
All he had to do was remain unnoticed. Don't make yourself obvious and the enemy don't catch you, as they might've said in the navy…
At least he hoped they said that in the navy.

"Well, I can't waste all my time chatting about existentialism with the host," concluded Squidward, figuratively closing the book on the matter. "I really need to get on with giving my boss some well-needed payback. By the way," he added, turning to look him in the eyes, "pretty pathetic camouflage there. Red doesn't really go with orange. It's June, not November."

Well shit. They really should have said that in the navy.
(Come to think of it, they really should have said "well shit" in the navy too.)

Regardless, Mr Krabs scuttled off of the wall and up to the calamari. "I almost expected this. Always thought that you'd turn against the cap'n one day, Mr Squidward. I just never thought I'd see it for meself."
As soon as the words fell out, he knew that was a stupid thing to say.
"No fucking shit, Shellock. What are you gonna say next, that you always thought Plankton would never 'steal me secret formuler'?" For the last part he put on what he meant to be a pirate accent, but for all Krabs knew could have been Scottish.
"Ye always were a turncoat, weren't yeh, Squiddy?"
"You mean you never knew?" he gasped in mock horror. "I practically gave the formula away to that little shit Plankton. I suppose that's another good thing that'll come of this – the bad guy wins there too."

This is bad, the crab couldn't help think. That is, if I redefine bad to mean 'the worst fucking thing that could possibly happen.

"Look, M-Mr Squidward," he stuttered, "if it's money yeh want, I can give it to yeh…I got millions, a little extra in yeh paycheck won't-"
"If it's money I want, I can always steal it from your safe like I usually do."
Each new revelation was scaring SpongeBob more and more. Mr Krabs, however, was unaffected by this. Nothing Squidward said surprised him anymore.

"OK, if yeh don't want money, I-I got a boat ye can--"
"Oh yeah, right, a Lambo-fucking-homosexual."

This was getting frustrating. "What do ye want then? What do I have to do to appease ye, lad?"
"Calm down, Krabs," muttered the squid, rolling his eyes. "No need to yell at me, I'll get to killing you in a minute."
Ach! Stupid crab, stupid.

"One more thing first." Slowly, Squidward started backing up, presumably trying and failing to reach for something. "About that Krabby Patty formula. Remember when I said that Plankton would win as well?"
"Yeah, what about i-?"

Eugene met the business end of the massive flamethrower in Squidward's tentacles before he could say anymore

"I lied. I'm the only one who's gonna win this game. Coz no one's going to want to eat scorched crab meat."