Okay, I know I'm going to hell for this chapter. But in my defense, I honestly think this is how a vampire would feel about religion. Y'know, the whole immortality thing... Anywho, these are by no means my views on Easter. I respect all religions (even if I am not a follower), and I most certainly do not promote pissing people off by talking shit about their beliefs. I may have crossed the line with the December 8th joke and comparing Jesus' suffering to genocides, so I apologize for that. I am trying for a timeline perspective on Josef with the latter, but I may have gone too far. I'm adding a warning for the upcoming religious and otherwise 'rude to bash' holidays that I am about to make fun of.

Disclaimer: Not mine

Rating: PG13

Pairings: None, though I hint at everything.

Summary: Josef rants about various things during the holidays. May be a bit OOC, since this is my first fic. Reviews on OOC-ness are appreciated.

Warning: This work of fiction may contain material that is offensive to some people. If bashing religious and non-religious holidays bothers you, you have been warned. I would like to remind the readers that this fanfic does not reflect my opinions on any of the following: religion, politics, life, death, love and any other topic you don't like people to piss on. I am simply trying to write as a fictional character. Apologies in advance to all those who are offended.

AS I SEE IT…
Chapter 4
Zombie Jesus Day

I've decided to name my new bat. Why name her, you ask?

Because I'm friggen' lonely!!

I hate it when Mick takes his little appetizer along on a case without me! So now, I'm stuck in the house with Coraline the Bat. She's actually quite lovely company, once you get past the fact she likes to feed off cows and carries rabies.

Anyways, I was trying to get Coraline Jr. to bite that one guy who monitors the security cameras (Either I forgot his name, or else I never knew it. Who cares?), when the news he was watching suddenly caught my attention.

"Yes, Bill, it's a lovely Easter Sunday. Today will be sunny with a high of seventy and a low of forty-five…"

Easter.

Please do not get me started on Easter.

"Did you need something?" George (Oh! I remembered his name!) asked.

"Uh, no," I replied lamely, caught off guard by the holiday news.

"Oh. Well, then, Happy Easter." I shrugged at his well-wishing. Zombie Jesus Day always has amused me, and I often find myself wishing I could've been back in biblical times to see it happen. "Are you doing anything to celebrate?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure," I replied sarcastically. "Painting chicken eggs, shooting rabbits, the whole shebang."

George rolled his eyes. "That's not the whole point of Easter," he chided, missing my sarcasm. "The point is to celebrate the return of our Lord, Jesus Christ."

"Okay, George… can I call you Beth? Great." He blinked, confused like the poor human he was. "I'm sure you understand what the word 'commercialized' means, so I won't explain it to you. Just to save some time, I'll say outright that there is not a damn person out there who would remember Easter if they didn't get a friggen chocolate bunny from someone else."

"They most certainly would!" George argued. "Just because you've lost sight of the true meaning of Easter doesn't mean the whole world is hopeless!"

"I just call em as I see em," I commented lightly, stealing the seat next to him. "And I don't celebrate religious holidays, so don't go spouting any religious crap about some prophet rising from the dead. If I want to hear about that, I'll watch Resident Evil."

George glared daggers at me. "He wasn't a zombie; He was the Son of God!"

"Zombie." His left hand clenched on the arm of his chair, and I decided to switch topics before he forced me to kill him. "And what's with the eggs? And rabbits and chickens… Seriously, did someone say, 'Oh no! Quick, Jesus is back! Paint the eggs so he thinks he's dreaming! Oh, and tell him they came out of a rabbit's ass! That'll throw him off!' Honestly!"

George steepled his fingers, grinning as though he'd just won a game of sorts. "That's the commercialism you were talking about earlier. It has nothing to do with the rising of our Lord and Savior—"

"Could you just say 'Zombie-Man' or some shit instead of drawing it out?" I exclaimed in exasperation.

"Sorry. But other than the commercialism, Easter is one of the most important holidays of the year! You can't deny that."

I arched an eyebrow. "Oh yes I can. The only holiday I deem celebration-worthy is December 8th."

"What's that?"

Grinning, I replied, "The date of the Virgin Mary's immaculate conception."

For a moment, he looked shocked. "I thought you weren't religious?" he asked doubtfully.

I laughed, and kicked my heels up onto the table. "I'm not. I just think it's funny that people still believe she's a Virgin. I consider December 8th to be 'get knocked up and lie about it' day."

"That's blasphemy!" shouted George. "How dare you say that about the Blessed Virgin?!"

"She wasn't a freaking virgin!" I argued. "Zombie-Man's father was probably some lover of hers—"

"He was the Son of God! How else would he rise from the dead after dying on the cross for our sins?"

"Easy. He didn't."

I love pissing people off. Call it 'playing with your food' if you must, but irritating humans is one of my favorite pastimes. Mick used to be easy to irritate, but now I have to go to extremes to get any acknowledgement.

Either way, I can't help myself! Easter is just so… well, stupid! Everyone claims to be celebrating the zombie-like rising of a dead prophet who died without any intention of staying dead. They say his suffering is payment enough for the sins of all of mankind, but after you've seen what I've seen… well, let's say his suffering probably was enough to buy forgiveness for the men who killed him. People act like he was the only one to ever be crucified. Well, is it just me, or did the same thing happen to 6,600 slaves after they revolted with Spartacus? Where's their place in history? They're numbers now. Their names weren't remembered.

'Well, maybe it's because they didn't rise from the dead!' Bullshit. God must've been more creative than that! There were thousands of worse ways for people to die. Sure, the newer ones are a bit worse, but I acknowledge that the 'justice' system was rather limited.

Anyways, I'm just at a loss as to why everyone says Jesus suffered the most pain ever, when there are people today being slowly tortured to death over a span of months or years, instead of a day or two. What about Cambodia, Germany, Bosnia, Iraq, Rwanda and Sudan (to name a few)? Billions of people suffered and died in indescribable ways, and everyone focuses on the 'resurrection' of someone who may not have even existed? Get your priorities straight, people! Easter is just…

Ugh.

You know, I could go on with this. I could rant for hours, but I'm just going to stop while I've still got your attention. I'm just going to get a drink, change the channel, watch a movie, call Mick… I dunno. Anything.

"OUCH!"

I snatched up Coraline Jr. as she began lapping up the blood from George's arm. "Oh, you might want to have that checked out," I said sweetly. "She has rabies."

George went pale and fainted. I considered my options. Ah well, why not?

There's a reason why everyone working around here has AB- blood. And for such an ugly guy, I must admit, George was delicious.

Thank you for reading! Next up… April Fool's Day!