Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. But you'd know if it was.

Rating: This is PG13 for a reason, and if I could make it PG16 or something, I would.

Pairings: None, though I hint at everything.

Summary: Josef rants about the holidays throughout the year.

Warning: This work of fiction may contain material that is offensive to some people. If bashing religious and non-religious holidays bothers you, you have been warned. I would like to remind the readers that this fanfic does not reflect my opinions on any of the following: religion, politics, life, death, love and any other topic you don't like people to piss on. I am simply trying to write as a fictional character. Apologies in advance to all those who are offended.

AS I SEE IT...
Chapter 6
Prank Wars

I was lying in my freezer, not asleep, but peacefully dozing off to the hum of the fan inside the casing. It was late March or early April, I think, and I really wish I hadn't killed George. He was fun to mess around with.

I relaxed further at the thought of messing with George's head, and was just about to slip into blissful oblivion when my phone rang and scared the living hell out of me.

Or, at least, it would have if Hell had been living inside me. After letting out a string of colorful words as I slammed my head on the freezer door, I answered the phone with a characteristic 'What?'

"Did I wake you up, Josef?" asked Mick.

"No," I muttered, climbing out of the freezer. "What did you want?"

"Do I need an excuse every time I call you?"

I decided to entertain his pointless question with an answer. "Well, seeing as these conversations are pointless if you don't tell me why you called… yes."

He laughed shortly on the other line. "I suppose you're right… but I don't think you're going to like this." He paused for a moment. "It's about Beth."

"The tabloids? Do tell," I replied, excited. "What's she done now? Cocaine? Wardrobe malfunction?"

"Nothing like that," he assured me. "More fun, actually."

"Oh, really, do tell."

Either he didn't catch my sarcasm, or he just decided to ignore it. "It's April Fool's Day, and I thought you might be in the mood for a few pranks."

Now that got my attention. "Continue," I said with mild interest.

"Beth's going to a baby shower for her boss tonight, and she invited me. I'm going to tell her I invited you because I don't like babies much, and while we're there, we can pull a few clever pranks on her."

"Really, Mick, I didn't think of you as the prankster type," I mused, plopping down on the couch like (I hate to admit it) a teenage girl talking with her gal pals. What have I become?

Mick laughed. "You know me better than that!" he said. "Me, I'm after revenge."

"For what?"

There was an uncomfortable silence before he answered, "Beth booby-trapped my place sometime while I was out. I've walked into twelve traps so far, and they're getting very annoying."

I almost died at the thought of Beth's pranks being good enough to ensnare Mick. "So, Brain," I began, doing my best Pinky imitation. "What're we doin' tonight?"

"Be at my place around seven and I'll explain everything." There was a sudden rush of static from Mick's line, followed by a colorful string of curses that would make a sailor blush. He'd probably just walked into another one of Beth's traps.

"Dare I ask?" I said snidely.

"I can't believe I just fell for that one!" he grumbled. "She put a rubber band on the sink sprayer."

He hung up on me just as I fell off the couch, laughing my ass off.

That night, I arrived at Mick's place at about 7:30, give or take a few minutes. Traffic was horrible, so I stopped for a drink after some teenage punk flipped me off. Once I opened the door, I immediately realized what he'd meant with the trap thing. I could smell it: all the type A blood was switched with B negative, styrofoam popcorn was about a foot deep in some places, there was the lingering smell of tomato juice from somewhere near the kitchen, and... why do I smell frogs?

"She filled the dishwasher with them," he answered, and I suddenly realized I'd voiced my last realization.

"Well, kudos to her. At least she's original."

Mick rolled his eyes. "You'd be singing an entirely different tune if you took a swig of tomato juice without thinking."

"Couldn't you smell it?" I exclaimed. "Seriously... tomatoes."

"I wasn't thinking, alright? I was half-asleep!" Once my urge to laugh subsided, we got down to business.

"So, any ideas on how to get back at her?" I asked, trying to think of something really good. Sure, I had some ideas, but none were quite legal in the USA.

"Just one so far. While she's at the party, we can sneak out and rig her apartment."

Normally I would have agreed to this. I would have used all my pranking knowledge to aid in this quest. But then I opened the closet door to find some supplies, and an avalanche of water balloons fell on my head before I could even think about dodging. I was soaked. I was cold. And I was pissed.

And Mick was laughing like he'd inhaled a bottle of nitrous oxide. So now, rigging Beth's apartment was out of the question. I needed to do something better. Something ingenious. Something... something I just couldn't think of.

"We prank the party. We get her in front of her boss and coworkers," I said decisively. "You can do that. I'll rig her apartment."

For a second, Mick looked apprehensive. "Nothing too terrible, Josef," he warned. "Keep it humane."

"Within the Geneva Convention?" He gave me a look that obviously meant 'yes', so I raised my hands in mock defeat. "Fine."

"No piranhas in her bathtub, no glass on the sheets, and nothing that would get her fired."

"Oh, take the fun out of living, why don't you?" I said in outrage. "It's not like she'd even get in the bathtub anyways!"

"Josef..."

I glared. "Fine. But other than those rules, I get to pull any prank I want."

"Done," he said. "Now go grab some dry clothes from upstairs. We have to be at that party in twenty minutes."

Gratefully, I trudged up the stairs, leaving foot-shaped puddles in my wake. Okay, so maybe I wasn't allowed to pull ant good pranks. That didn't mean I didn't have any back-up plans. I'd probably need to make a stop at the store, but I was betting I'd be able to double Beth's pranks in less than a quarter of the time she used.

And, what's to say I couldn't pull a prank on my good ol' pal, Mick? We've never celebrated April Fool's Day before, but that was probably because we spend so much time annoying the hell out of each other every day. Why set up a special day for the things we hate about each other?

The party was, in a word, dull, and in a phrase, boring as shit. Apparently alcohol is a bad topic around expectant mothers, as well as the topic of birth defects. Well, honestly, you can't blame me! For my first ever baby shower, I think it went pretty well.

That is, until I asked if we were supposed to say 'good luck pushing that thing out of your vagina'. I was then indirectly asked to leave, meaning Beth asked Mick to 'do something about him, would you?' He offered to take me home, since I left my car at his place. We got some funny looks from a few of the younger women, and I began to wonder if a guy can say anything without a chick making some sexual innuendo. Apparently not, I realized, as one of them giggled.

"What's the point of these things?" I asked Mick as we exited the party. "They're clearly not meant for guys. Only women understand the hormonal tendencies of other women, so we should be excused from this crap."

"Yeah, well 'we' did not just ask Beth's boss how a baby's head fits through—"

"I know, I know. Can we prank Beth now?"

Mick rolled his eyes. "Seeing as Beth will get fired if we ruin the party any more than you already did? Fine, sure, do it."

We drove in silence for the next ten minutes, and I had the nagging feeling that he was just the slightest bit irritated with me. Oh well. I had bigger fish to fry.

I was in and out of Beth's apartment in five minutes and twenty-three seconds. Mick was kind enough not to ask what I'd done, but I knew he was curious, so I let him in on a few pranks.

"I filled her shower head with those Easter egg dying tablets, I put crickets everywhere, I put non-carnivorous marine life in her bathtub, and I put icy-hot on the toilet seat."

Mick grinned. "Don't tell me that's all."

"Oh ye of little faith!" I exclaimed, aghast. "Just wait until she finds the fish I stuck under her car's radiator."

The next morning, I was greeted by a rather unwelcome sight. I don't know how Beth got in my room, but she did not look pleased. "If this is about the baby shower, I apologize and—"

"Save it, Josef," she snapped. "Mick is good, but he's not this good! I want you to round up every last cricket in my apartment, and while you're at it, I think that chicken you let loose in the ceiling is dead, so you might want to get that too."

I winced. "Please don't talk so loud, Beth. You'll wake Coraline Jr."

"Who?" she said, confused. "Oh, nevermind. Josef, what the hell did you put in my coffee? Whatever it was—"

"Turned you piss blue, right?" I asked, amused. "Did it work?"

"Yes it worked, you jackass! Now get over to my place and clean that mess up!"

Me? Disarm the traps? I think not! She's going to find them the same way Mick and I did. "Well, I'll give you a clue on one of them," I said slyly. "Check your sink for hermit crabs."

Thank you for reading! Next... 4th of July!