I do not own CSI; CBS does. None of the characters are mine. Thanks to CBS for these great characters
Sara called into work that night telling Janey, the receptionist, that she was very ill and would she please let her 'boss' know. Janey's voice was full of concern; after all, Sara Sidle never missed a day of work.
After Gil had left she had cried for what seemed an eternity. She never expected him to be angry and never dreamed that he would walk out on her. She told herself he needed time, it was a pretty big bombshell to take all at once, and he would call her or come back. They would work through this somehow. She herself had needed a few weeks to get used to the idea and she reasoned that he would need the same. Still, his reaction had upset her and she felt that not going into work was the safest choice for the evening.
By the second evening, he still had not called or stopped by and again she called into the lab. For the first time since finding out she was pregnant, Sara noticed that her flat stomach was filling out and she could smooth her hand over the bump that was forming there; her body was changing rapidly. Going through her clothes, she found that all she could really wear were her sweatpants, which she had been virtually living in since Gil left. She decided to go shopping for some new clothes, knowing it would be awhile before she could wear anything in her closet again.
She ended up at a 24-hour super department store, browsing through the racks for anything that would fit. Somewhat reluctantly, she made her way to the maternity section, glancing at the outfits with foreboding. She picked out a few blouses that she could wear now and others that she would need in a month or so, choosing pants off of the regular racks that she felt she could wear below the growing bulge in her abdomen.
She was heading to the checkout when she saw the baby section, a natural urge overtaking her, as she felt drawn to it. Before she realized it, Sara spent over an hour looking at the small clothes, the blankets, toys, bedding, and bottles. She felt the dread in her stomach again when she thought of Gil. 'I don't want a child' She tried hard to shake his words and felt tears in her eyes as she picked up a little bear, its soft fur perfect for a tiny little crib. Putting it into the cart, she made her way along the aisles, filling the cart with little booties and blankets and bottles. She tried to choose colors that were neutral since she had no idea whether this child was a girl or a boy. She made up her mind then and there that she would have to find out; there were so many cute baby things and she wanted to buy them all, but she needed to know what color first.
She loaded everything into her apartment, cleaning out a section of her closet to put the baby's things in. She would need a bigger apartment, this one was only a one bedroom with little room for a crib or any of the other things a baby would require. She decided to talk to her landlord first thing in the morning about changing into a 2-bedroom, but for now, she was happy to be making space for the baby; her baby. She placed a hand on her abdomen, noting how it was rounding out; she still could not believe how fast she had gone from not looking pregnant at all, to looking quite pregnant indeed.
She tried on some of the new clothes, checking herself in the mirror. She felt that she could hide the bump well, it wasn't too large yet, and she would deal with the expansion of it as time went by. Changing into sweats and a tank top for sleep, she checked her voice messages, noting she had missed one since she had left her phone home while she shopped. Flipping it open, she hit play and listened as Gil's voice came on the recording.
"I really hope you are planning on coming in tomorrow, Sara." He scolded. "This is not acceptable. We need you here and unless you are deathly ill, I expect you here next shift." There was a click as he disconnected and Sara felt like he'd kicked her in the stomach.
Feeling her excitement over the shopping experience dissolve, Sara began crying. She hated crying, and it seemed like she'd done a lot of it in the last few weeks. Lying on the couch, she let herself go, crying until she fell asleep hugging a pillow to her chest.
"Sara!" Greg exclaimed happily when she walked into the break room the following evening. He ran over, giving her a hug. "I am soooo glad you came in." He pulled back, whispering. "It has been hell around here..."
Warrick was smiling at her. "How you feelin', Girl?" He asked.
She nodded. "Good. Fine..."
"I'll tell ya, Sar" Nick said as he put the newspaper down. "You picked a good time to be sick. Grissom's been riding our asses like crazy."
She nodded again. "He's been grumpy?"
"No." Nick responded. "He's been a complete ass." He looked at Greg with a smile. "That guy needs to get laid."
'Oh, God' Sara thought as she choked on a sip of water. Greg and Nick were laughing at her and Warrick just grinned as Catherine came in. She looked at Sara, coming over to rub a friendly hand on her back.
"How are you feeling?" She asked, eyeing her knowingly.
"I am much better today, Catherine. Thank you."
"Just try not to over do it." Catherine suggested. "We need you here, trust me. Grissom has been just beyond anal..."
As if on cue, he walked into the room, stopping short when he saw Sara. She turned around with Catherine to face him, feeling her cheeks blaze as she caught his eye. He kept her gaze with a level glare of his own, walking into the room with their assignments. "I see you decided to come to work?" He asked coldly.
Her face flushed more. "I was sick..."
"Uhm-huh..." He said with sarcasm. "Next time you need time off, I'll find someone to replace you."
Catherine's mouth dropped at the comment. Why was he being such a jerk? She was about to say something to him when he handed her some paperwork with case assignments. "You get Sara." He said with finality, avoiding the younger woman's discomfort at his stinging threat. "She's on your team from now on."
Catherine looked over at Sara, seeing the look on her face. She looked like a wounded animal and the tears in her eyes were evident, even though she tried not to show them. "What is your problem, Grissom?"
"Nothing Catherine." He replied with the same coldness. "I just will not work with someone I cannot trust..." He looked at Sara before laying out his team's assignments, calling Nick and Greg out the door with him.
On the way out, Nick stopped next to Sara, putting a hand on her arm. "You alright?" She nodded, trying to avoid the stares of the people in the room. "What was that all about, Sar?"
She was going to respond when Gil came to the door, glaring at all of them. "Now." He said to Greg and Nick, who reluctantly followed him out of the room.
Conrad Ecklie sat in his office, going over case files that Gil and Catherine's teams had turned in over the last few weeks. He picked up Sara Sidle's file, opening it up to find Gil's Letter of Recommended Transfer on top; puzzled, he read the form noting that Gil listed 'differing opinion on crime scene processing' and 'will flourish more pragmatically under different leadership' as his reasons for the transfer. He wondered how much of it had to do with Sidle's attitude and defiance to authority.
As he was signing the sheet, he was alerted by a knock on the door, looking up to see Sara herself standing in the door frame, holding a file. "Do you have a minute?" She asked nervously.
"Is this about your transfer?" He chided, holding up the form.
"What?" She asked momentarily confused. "Oh...no...no it's not."
" Come in, Sidle." He motioned to her to enter. "What have you got?"
"Uhm..." She walked towards him, handing him the file. "I have a medical form?" She said it as a question rather than a statement. "And, uh...well, you need to review it."
"Medical form?" He asked as he took it from her. "What is it for?" He opened it to begin scanning it, his eyes drawn immediately to the line listing her condition. "Is this a joke, Sidle?" He asked looking up at her.
She felt her cheeks flush. "I'm uh...I'm afraid not."
He stared at her a moment. "Sit down, Sara." He waited as she complied and finished looking over her form. "Does your doctor have any issues with you working through the pregnancy?"
She shook her head. "No. Not that he mentioned."
He nodded. "Good." He picked up a pen and signed the form, knowing she would need his signature for maternity leave and medical compensation. Handing the form back to her he asked, "You are not seeing anyone, are you?"
Her face became redder at the question. "Uhm...I am...was...it's complicated."
Again, he nodded at her. "Understood." He sighed, leaning back in his chair.
"Can you try and keep this confidential?" She asked him. "I don't really want the whole lab knowing about this... Not yet. I was going to wait, actually, to turn the form in but I have already been to the doctor..."
"Don't worry, Sidle." He smiled slightly. "I have never had a pregnant CSI before; you realize that as you get closer to your due date, I cannot send you into the field as much?"
She nodded. "Yeah...I figure I'll just do process." She stood up, hanging onto the file tightly. "Thank you, Ecklie...for not freaking out."
He eyed her levelly. "I am sure that you have freaked out enough on your own without me doing it also." She smiled, turning to go before he called out to her. "Hey Sidle?"
She stopped, looking back at him. "Yeah?"
"I hope that your...relationship...gets better." He said kindly. "I hope that the guy who helped you do this is a good one."
She smiled sadly. "He used to be."
Gil watched as Sara left Ecklie's office, noting the way that she was clinging to the folder in her hand. She stopped in front of the laboratory, saying something to Greg who turned to her with a smile. Gil studied Sara's figure, noting the light blue blouse she wore that hung loosely around her abdomen; wondering what shape her body was beneath it.
He couldn't help but still be amazed at her subtle beauty; there was something about her that he had found utterly intriguing. She had her hair in a braid this evening, a tight French style one that he had never seen her wear before and he found himself wondering what the braid would feel like to the touch.
He was angry with her, there was no doubt about it. There was also no doubt that he wasn't ready to accept that she was carrying his child, mostly because he wasn't ready to accept that he could have a child. He had trusted Sara intimately, had taken her word when she assured him she was 'on the pill'; that trust had evaporated when she told him she was pregnant. How could she be pregnant when she was on the pill? It didn't make logical sense.
As he watched, Nick came up to her and draped an arm around her shoulders, whispering something that made her laugh. Greg exited the laboratory and joined them, grabbing his coat as he switched off the light. They began to walk out and Greg looked over at him, waving slightly as they walked. Briefly, Sara looked his direction, locking eyes with his. Her eyes were full of sadness and confusion, and Gil looked away, knowing that the look in his own eyes belayed the overwhelming anger he still felt. When he glanced back up, she was gone, disappearing into the night.
After shift the following evening, Sara made her way to the parking garage, relieved to have the shift over. She and Warrick had worked a double homicide, one of the victims having been a child of only three. It had bothered Sara immensely and she found herself crying as they bagged the body of the tiny little boy, running from the house to wait for Warrick in the truck.
She got to her car, unlocking the doors as her eyes caught something in the back seat. Perplexed, she opened the door to find boxes of her belongings stacked inside, along with a sealed envelope. She grabbed the envelope out, climbing into the front seat to open it. Dumping the contents into her hand, she found the spare set of keys for her apartment and a small note from Gil.
SaraPlease leave my items in my office when you get a chance. I'll leave your other car key in your locker
Gil
Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, Sara began to sob. She sat in her car all alone and cried, feeling as though someone was ripping her chest apart. It hurt so badly. A knock on the window made her jump, scaring her as she dropped the note to the floor. She looked over to see Catherine, looking at her with concern. "Sara?" Catherine asked through the closed door. "What happened?"
Sara opened the car door, looking up at her. "He put all my stuff in my car... She sniffled. "He wants all of his things back..." She began to cry again. "I am trying so hard, Catherine...I don't know what I am supposed to do...I don't want him to leave me..."
Catherine kneeled down next to her, putting a hand on hers. "Sara, I am so sorry." She said soothingly, trying to comfort her. "Men are jerks..."
"But he isn't!" Sara sobbed. "He's always been so sweet to me. Why would he do this?"
Catherine shrugged. "Maybe he's scared?" She tried. "Sara, is this guy married?"
Sara looked at her, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "No...no...he's never been...he just...I don't know why he is doing this." She took a deep breath to steady her sobs. "I think he is afraid of people finding out; he could lose his job..."
"How could he lose his job because of this, Sara?" Catherine asked. "That is just ridiculous...he's just feeding you full of B.S."
Sara shook her head. "No..." She whispered. "You don't understand, Catherine...the father is..." She shook her head. "Never mind...it's okay. I'll be okay..."
Catherine watched her carefully. "Hey, Sofia and I are going out to get some pedicures and have some ice cream." She said "We're going to grab Lindsey on the way and head to the mall, you want to come? It'll be fun."
"I don't think I'd be much fun..." Sara said with a small smile.
"It'll take your mind of things." Catherine said. "Come on, it'll be great."
After a few moments, Sara nodded. "Okay." She said. "Can you pick me up at my place...I, uhm...I have to unload all of this stuff."
Once Catherine walked away, Sara started her car and sat taking a few deep breaths before exiting the parking garage. If Gil wanted his stuff, she'd give it to him, but he just might have a tough time explaining to everyone why his personal belongings were lying in a broken heap in front of his office. But, she figured, that just wasn't her problem anymore.
True to her word, Catherine picked Sara up exactly two hours later. They headed to the ice cream shop first, Lindsey insisting that she was starving. As they sat enjoying their ice cream, Catherine elbowed Sara. "So, why don't you tell Sofia?"
"Tell me what?" Sofia asked, taking a bite of her sundae.
Sara looked at Catherine, seeing an encouraging nod. "Uhm.." She smiled with embarrassment. "I'm going to have a baby."
Sofia dropped her spoon, staring at her in amazement before grinning. "Really?" She exclaimed, jumping up to lean across and hug Sara. "Oh, my God...congratulations!" She sat back down, seeing the look on Sara's face. "This is congratulations, right?"
"Yeah," Sara smiled at her. "For me anyway...for the dad? Not so much."
"Wow..." Sofia was staring at her, her eyes aglow with amazement. "That is just amazing, Sara...I mean...I'm sorry about the dad part, but...wow, Sara..."
Lindsey was grinning also. "How big are you?" She asked
"Oh, not too big yet Linds." Sara replied as Catherine pushed her towards the edge of the seat.
"Stand up." She goaded. "Show us..."
Embarrassed, Sara did as she was asked, lifting her shirt just slightly so that they could see her swollen middle. "Oh, my gosh..." Sofia said with excitement, standing up to put her hand on Sara's stomach. "How far along?"
"I'm about 15 weeks." Sara told her. "Almost four months."
Sofia giggled as Catherine stood up next to Sara looking down at her stomach. "I don't know..." She said. "I think they may have to recalculate that, Sara...you are pretty big for only 15 weeks..."
"Twins." Lindsey said excitedly. "I bet you're having twins."
Catherine began to laugh. "Now, twins would explain your size." She said, catching the terrified look in Sara's eyes. "That or you are just further along than they think."
Sara put her shirt back down, sitting down again to grab her ice cream. "I had the ultrasound." She pouted. "There's only one in there."
"Ah, but maybe..." Sofia said, sitting across from her again. "Sometimes the early ultrasounds do not always pick up two fetuses, you know."
Sara started to laugh. "Okay, okay..." She said, holding up her hand. "I'm going to pretend that none of you ever said that."
They all laughed finishing their ice cream before heading to the mall. Sara had to admit that she was glad she had come along and was equally glad that she wasn't going to hide the pregnancy any longer. She didn't have to tell anyone who the father was and as long as no one pushed the issue, she was happy to just pretend that he was thrilled at the idea of being a father. She could fool herself into believing that someday he would be waiting for her at home, ready to welcome their child into his life as he had once welcomed her.
After all, fantasizing about being wanted was so much easier than accepting that you may never have been in the first place.