Neither of them says anything, Alec is sort of afraid to. He's scared what the reaction might be, so he doesn't say anything, doesn't flinch – doesn't even move a muscle. Just staring. A little bit in front of him, with his back facing Alec, Magnus is standing between them.
And about a meter from Magnus is Lewis. He's not looking at Magnus, after Alec had stepped into the room he hadn't looked at him, as if everything other than Alec had seemed to vanish around him, even if that wasn't the case. Anyone would be shocked to see their dead father coming in through the door – anyone.
Magnus had walked in first, telling Lewis that he had someone he wanted him to meet. Lewis had seemed hesitant at first – obviously not sure how he felt about his father meeting someone new. And then Alec had walked in, and…
Silence.
Lewis had frozen completely.
Then, out of no-where, he reaches up to his arm. Pinches it – rather hard, from the look of it. Nothing more happens for a few moments, Lewis pinching his arm and Alec and Magnus just staring at him. Alec then takes a step forward, to stop him from bruising his skin too much, and Lewis takes a step back.
"You're not real," he says. His voice sounds like he's trying to convince himself rather than Alec, which is more than likely to be the case. Alec takes a breath and gives a sort of crooked half-smile.
"I'm here, Lew," he says softly. "I'm sorry I haven't been here-"
"You're not real," Lewis says again. "You can't be. You're dead."
Alec closes his mouth, simply tilts his head to one side and looks at Lewis. He's not sure what to do, how to convince him- maybe he's just not supposed to do anything at all, he realises. Maybe Lewis is supposed to just know, and work towards accepting it. He's not sure.
"I'm dreaming, right?" Lewis says, turning to Magnus again. Magnus' mouth slowly opens as if he's going to say something, but closes again, and when he looks into Lewis' eyes, his own eyes are full of pity. Then he shakes his head.
"No," he finally says. "You're wide awake. I didn't know how to deal with it either."
Looking away, Alec runs his slender fingers through his hair and sighs. He's tired, despite having slept for almost the entire trip home. One is never really comfortable, sleeping in a car, but it's better than not sleeping at all and being in some kind of dull slowed down reality.
It doesn't take more than a few seconds for Lewis to realise he can't deal with it. Not right now, at least. So he tells them he needs to do homework, and leaves the living room and shutting his own bedroom's door behind him.
Alec isn't sure what to do, so he just stands there for a few moments until Magnus takes a hold of his hand. Then Alec looks up at him. "I need to talk to you," Magnus says, pulling at his wrist, tugging him toward the bedroom. "Come on."
"Magnus, seriously? Lewis is right-"
"That's not what I meant. Really. I just need to talk to you."
Finally, Alec gives in, following him into the bedroom and closing the door behind them. Magnus isn't sitting down, but Alec sits down on the bed, looking at Magnus. "What's up?"
"Take off your pants," Magnus says without even thinking. He realises how it sounds as soon as the words leave his mouth. "I didn't mean it like- … never mind. Just take them off."
Alec raises his eyebrow suspiciously, but obliges, getting up and taking off his jeans. He steps out of them, leaving them discarded on the floor, and sits back down on the bed. Magnus sits down in front of him, on the floor with his legs crossed, almost between Alec's legs. As Magnus starts trailing his fingers over his legs, Alec sucks in a sharp breath. Magnus looks up at him, and then returns his attention to his legs where goose bumps are starting to appear.
"What are these?" Magnus asks quietly, running his hands over what Alec hadn't realised is his scars.
As soon as he realises, though, he pulls away from Magnus' touch as if he had burned him. "You weren't supposed to see," he says, pulling the cover from the bed over his legs to cover them up.
"Well, now I've seen them," Magnus says, looks at him and starts pulling at the cover to get a closer look. "What are they from?"
Alec gives up and lets him pull away the covers. There are small, thin, scar lines all over his legs, mostly his thighs, but also covering some of the lower parts on his legs. He sighs. "Will you believe me if I tell you they're from the crash?"
Magnus gives him his best 'are-you-fucking-kidding-me' face, but his voice is calm when he says: "No. You're gonna have to come up with something better."
"I… I needed to get it out, okay?" Alec says as Magnus trails his finger over the scars again. "The pain."
"You did this," Magnus mumbles. "When?"
"For a long time. It's been a while, though," Alec says. "Well, other than that one," he adds, pointing at one that still haven't turned into a scar. There's still a crust of dried blood on it.
Magnus sucks in a sharp breath. "Why did you…"
"Our fight. I hated myself for being like that to you, and I had to-"
"No!" Magnus exclaims, staring at him. "No, you don't. I don't want you to do something like this. This hurts me more than anything ever could. Alec, every scar is a scar too much, especially when you did it to yourself. When was… the first time you did it?"
Alec is quiet for a moment, thinking back. "I must have been around 13 or 14 the first time."
Magnus mouth becomes a thin, white line. "How did I never see these?"
"Well, I'm pale, so they fit with my skin colour. Almost, at least. And I always hid them from you. How did you see them?"
"I woke up, and you weren't wearing the duvet. You usually always are, but I guess you forget when you were drunk. I was just glad you were there, and I was running my hands over your skin and- something didn't feel right on your legs. And I looked and…"
"Scars," Alec finishes for him, nodding and looking down. He worries his bottom lip between his teeth for a moment. "So… Now what? What are you going to do?"
Magnus sighs and looks him in the eyes. "I need to know something before I can think about that," he says and Alec nods.
"Anything."
"How did you… After our fight. I know for a fact you didn't have anything sharp on you."
Alec smiles sadly. He's tired, and now he's sad, too. That's never been a good combination for him. "I smashed a glass at the bar. Pretended like I accidently pushed it from the counter because I was drunk. They believed me. I took a piece of glass while they were getting a broom."
Magnus looks down again, his eyes following his fingers as he trails over the scars again and again. "Was something in the glass before you smashed it, Alexander?"
"I… I think so? I don't know. Didn't look. Didn't really care."
"That's dangerous, Alexa-"
"I know that. But I don't care. I don't really do it anymore."
Magnus sighs. "What was this one for?" he asks, indicating one of the obviously older scars, but also probably the deepest one.
"That one was… My first fight with you. Remember? I don't remember what it was about, but it was back before we moved here. I threw you out of my apartment."
Magnus nods, biting his lip. He moves his hand to one of the other deep ones, and without saying anything Alec takes it as a question.
"That one was when you told me… When you told me about Lewis being bullied. I hated myself for not seeing it, but I didn't… I didn't really think. I should have told you about all of this so long ago, but instead I just kept locking myself in my office and kept doing it instead. Then I wouldn't have to face it, you know?"
"Was that why you slept in your office sometimes?"
Alec nods. "I was afraid you'd see my cuts, so I'd tell you I had to work on my book. The next day I would use the rough side of a sponge in the shower, and scrub away the dried blood, so it wouldn't be as obvious."
"But… Didn't that hurt?"
Alec bites his lip between his teeth and nods without saying anymore. He felt like a failure and a disappointment. He hadn't been able to keep it secret, and he had let Magnus down. And letting Magnus down was the worst thing that ever happened in his life.
"I love you, Alexander. I'm sorry you feel like you had to do this to yourself. I'm sorry I didn't see before. I'm sorry I talked to you about it, because I know it's the last thing you want. But I love you too much to ignore it."
Alec sighs and nods again. He's keeping his eyes on Magnus' fingers, still touching scar after scar, but thankfully avoiding the fresh one. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."
Magnus nods, but doesn't say anything. Instead he leans forward, kissing Alec's leg softly. Alec reaches forward, running his slender fingers through Magnus' hair several times before he settles his hand buried in Magnus' dark hair, and keeping his eyes on Magnus as the kisses gets further and further up on his leg.
"Let's change the subject, shall we?" Magnus breaths in between kisses. Alec lets his head roll back and breathes out.
"What about Lewis?" Alec says as he's closing his eyes.
"I don't care right now," Magnus says. "I just want you. You haven't let me since you woke up, and I need you."
Alec breathes out again as Magnus resumes his kissing. He nods, silently giving Magnus permission, and Magnus starts moving faster.
"Are you going to start writing again?"
They were still in bed – hadn't left it for about an hour. Alec was resting his head on Magnus' stretched arm, and they were laying against each other, fitting together like two spoons, Magnus' other arm draped over Alec's stomach.
"Of course," Alec said quietly. "I love it. I have no reason to stop."
Magnus nodded and kissed his neck softly. Alec smiled. Whenever Magnus did that, he would think of their honeymoon. Magnus had kissed him, his neck, his entire body so many times none of them had bothered keeping count. It had been so long ago, but it had still been the best time of Alec's life.
"It's unfair, though," Magnus said, breaking the trail of thoughts in Alec's head.
"Mmm?" Alec said. "What is?"
"You have my full attention all the time, but I have to fight for yours. And I have to fight your writing. It's not fair."
Alec smiled, turned his head back and kissed Magnus on the tip of his nose. Magnus grinned. "You don't have to fight anything."
Opening the door to Alec's apartment, Magnus stepped inside. He had expected Alec to be sitting on the couch in the living room, but he wasn't there, Magnus knew that as soon as he stepped inside. Because there was soft music coming from the bedroom.
He walked over to the bedroom door, standing there for a second, just listening to the guitar's soft music, before Alec started singing inside. He had to see this, so he slowly opened the bedroom door, being sure not to make a sound. As he had hoped, Alec was sitting with his back towards the door, and his eyes probably closed as well.
Magnus had never known he could play guitar. Or sing, for that matter. But he sounded fantastic. His voice was rough, but smooth enough to work, and his fingers worked over the guitar strings like that's what he was born to do. He listened and watched.
"Oh a good man said,
If you're feeling dead,
you gotta try to find a way to be alive.
This is not a game
that you have to play.
Don't need a reason to breathe
just like you die.
Give me thunder, give me lightning,
and I will give you every part of me
Take me dancing, get me fucked up.
Play that old guitar and we will sing.
Oh my old man said,
you must lie in your bed
The way you make it, no one can make it like you do.
Oh you're not alone.
You still have a home.
No matter what you do, my son, I'm still proud of you.
Give me thunder, give me lightning,
and I will give you every part of me.
Take me dancing, get me fucked up.
Play that old guitar and we will sing.
Yeah, we'll sing
Give me thunder, give me lightning,
and I will give you every part of me.
Take me dancing, get me fucked up.
Play that old guitar and we will sing.
Yeah, we'll sing.
We'll sing."
Once Alec stopped singing, he just sat there for a moment. Magnus didn't know what was going through Alec's mind, but the only thing going through his mind was that he had to kiss him. They weren't together, so it wasn't right, and Alec didn't even know he was there, but how could he not kiss him after that?
So he silently walked over to Alec, watching him freeze as the floor creaked slightly. He didn't move, though. Just kept still. Leaning closer, Magnus started softly kissing his neck. Alec didn't do anything.
"You never told me you played guitar," Magnus whispered in his ear. Somehow it felt like he'd ruin something if he spoke with normal volume, so he didn't.
Alec didn't answer. He hadn't told him because he didn't want him to know. He didn't know why he didn't want Magnus to know – he just didn't. Somehow it felt embarrassing, even though it shouldn't be.
He liked it, but Magnus' kissed tickled him, so he had to softly push him away. When Magnus looked at him sadly, he gave no explanation. He just left the room to continue his daily routine.
AN: Fifth chapter here, woo.
This one wasn't exactly happy. Not all of it, at least. The song Alec sings is Take Me Dancing by The Maine. (Also I'm using a lot of music in these chapters, I think, so if you don't like my musictaste I'm sorry but you're going to have to deal with it)
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I hope you liked it, review and tell me what you thought
Lea