It had been three weeks, now, since they got back to their apartment. More often than not, Alec would wake up to an empty bed in the middle of the night, always soon after Magnus had gotten up. It was almost like he couldn't sleep comfortably without the safety of Magnus' arms wrapped around him. They both grew more and more tired and more and more irritated as time passed by.

On several nights, he would find Magnus crying. Sometimes he would be slouched over a sort of leather-bound journal with yellowed pages. Alec asked him about it on the first night he saw it, but it was obvious Magnus didn't want to talk about it. He'd shrug it off, change the subject, and pretend they'd never even talked about it, but Alec couldn't shake it. He didn't know if it was just his curiosity, but he had to know. He had to.

Last night it had happened again. Alec had woken up, alone in the bed, the fairy lights above him turned on for some reason. He didn't bother thinking about it. It was enough. He had to know now. He had to know what was in that book. What was in that book? Why wouldn't Magnus tell him about it? What could possibly be so bad?

Alec had found him in one of the armchairs in the living room. The journal had been resting on the armrest, Magnus' legs pulled up under him and he had been writing in the journal. His reading glasses had been resting on the bridge of his nose. He had gotten reading classes a few years ago, but he only wore them when he was tired and he really needed them. Alec liked them. He looked beautiful in them. He always looked beautiful, though, so it wasn't new.

"Magnus, come back to bed," Alec had said. His voice had been rough from sleep, and he had known he sounded angry. Truth be told, he had been; he had been sick of waking up alone, sick of having things kept from him, sick of not knowing, sick of everything that had happened lately.

Magnus had looked up at him, before snapping the journal shut, and taking off his glasses. Alec had realised that Magnus had been crying. Again. It had taken some convincing, but after a while, Magnus had gone with him back to bed.

When he woke up this morning, the book had been hidden away again, out of sight. It was tiring beyond belief. So when Magnus had left with Lewis, to get him to school, and to go shopping afterwards, Alec had gotten obsessed. Until then, he had been convinced he would wait until Magnus told him himself. But he couldn't help it anymore.

He had found the journal underneath the mattress. Apparently, there was a pocket sewn into the mattress itself, easily large enough for the journal, and Alec had taken it out. Now he was sitting in his office, reading in it.

May 2nd
Alexander told me he was too good for me. Left me in the rain by myself. It's okay. It's not real. I love him.

May 10th
Alec doesn't want me. He said he hates me. It's okay. I love him. It's not real.

May 11th
He took Lewis. I love him. It's not real.

April 30th
Alexander hit me. We were fighting, and he hit me. I love him. It's not real.

June 20th
I don't know what to do without him. I miss him. It's all too real.

July 15th
Nothing is real. It's not real. He still loves me. He's out there. He has to be. I loved him. I miss him.

October 13th
He's back. I love him.

October 25th
They're back. Every night, they're back. I hate them.

It took Alec a while to realise, but some of them were about nightmares Magnus had had. Some of the notes were longer, telling more detailed of what happened in his nightmares, but they were all about Alec. Every last one of them. About losing Alec, or Alec dying, or something happening to both Alec and Lewis. No wonder Magnus didn't want to talk about it – it tore his heart up. And the nightmares were back. But Magnus had pushed them aside, to deal with Alec's nightmares and Alec's challenges with being back.

He flipped through the last pages, reading about them. He'd had nightmares almost every night since Alec got back. He dropped the book onto the desk, and covered his eyes with his hands. He didn't know what he was going to do. He couldn't pretend he didn't know about the nightmares, but he couldn't tell Magnus how he had been obsessed with finding it, and how his curiousness had gotten the better of him. He couldn't.

He was saved the trouble of deciding, though, because right then, the door to his office opened, and Alec looked up. It was Magnus, of course it was. Who else was it going to be? Magnus didn't move. He was staring at Alec, and the journal, and he didn't move.

Alec looked down. "I'm sorry," he whispered, staring down into the journal. "I just, I needed to, I needed to know-"

Magnus hadn't made a sound, but all of a sudden, the book was snatched out of Alec's sight. "I didn't think you were this desperate, Alexander," he said. His voice was sort of threatening, but it wasn't meant to be scary. "You weren't supposed to know."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Alec asked, looking up at him. "God, I've been so selfish, I didn't think that you might be having nightmares too, God, I'm so sorry Maggie-"

"Save it," Magnus said, leaving the office, and leaving Alec to look after him like a lost puppy, because he really, really didn't know what to do.

Magnus didn't hide the book after that. He put it on the nightstand – "If you're that desperate, here. Read all you want. I just thought I could trust you." – and it felt like he was mocking Alec. It felt like he was saying that he couldn't hold back. But was he really that wrong? Alec had become obsessed with discovering what was in the book, just because Magnus hadn't wanted him to.

He kept apologizing, but it didn't help at all. Somehow, it seemed like Magnus got angrier and angrier every time Alec apologized, but he didn't know what else to do. He needed Magnus to know that he hadn't meant to be that selfish, but who was he to say that? He had been selfish right from the beginning, not caring if Magnus had nightmares too. He'd only asked when he found Magnus crying, and then he had gotten angry because Magnus didn't want to tell him about it.

"I don't know what you want me to do," Alec said. He was sitting in the couch in the living room, and Magnus was in the same arm chair he had found him in a few nights ago.

Magnus looked up at him, and then looked to the television again. He was watching some fashion show Alec didn't care about. "I don't want you to do anything, Alexander," Magnus finally said. "I wanted to trust you, but I guess that's not happening any time soon."

"You can trust me," Alec said, staring at him.

"Apparently not. Don't bother, Alexander, it's fine. Now can I watch this?"

"No!" Alec exclaimed. He sat up straight and looked at Magnus. "I want you to trust me. You did trust me, and I'm sorry I did this, but it was one thing, so why is it so bad?"

"Because it was private, Alec! Normally, I'll tell you everything with a little persuasion, but I didn't do that this time, so don't you think you should have stayed out of it?"

"I told you I was sorry," Alec said, slouching back into the couch. He was pouting. "I know I should have stayed out of it, and I said I'm sorry. When are you going to forgive me?"

"When I feel like I can trust you again."

Alec got up from the couch without saying anymore. He went into his office, sat by his desk, and started writing. Because what else was he going to do?

"Are you gonna come out and watch a movie with me?" Magnus asked, leaning on the door frame with his arms crossed and looking at Alec.

"I don't think so," Alec said, still typing with one hand and with an apple in the other hand. "You don't trust me, remember? So why would you want to?"

"Because I love you, Alexander. Come on, you can even decide what movie we watch. I'll go get some of your favorite snacks while you decide?"

"No thanks. I'm good."

"Please Ale-"

"I'm working."

Magnus sighed and nodded. When Alec used the "I'm working"-card, there was nothing to do to make him change his mind. "Okay. If you change your mind, I'll be reading in the bedroom."

Alec nodded and took a bite of his apple, not answering Magnus. Magnus sighed again and left the office.

Three hours had gone by when Magnus appeared in the door to the office again. Alec knew it wasn't long before he was leaving to pick up Lewis, but he couldn't be leaving already, could he?

"Lewis has been asking if we could go to the cinema and see this new kids' movie. I was thinking we could go today," Magnus said, looking at him. Alec didn't look back at him.

"Yeah, sure. Go."

"Don't you wanna come with us?"

"No thanks. I'm good."

Magnus sighed, but decided not to push it. He had obviously pushed Alec too far by telling him he didn't trust him. "Fine," he said. "Can I get you anything first?"

"No," Alec said. He still wasn't looking at him. Magnus walked over to him, put his hand on Alec's shoulder and gently massaged him. Alec shook his hand off of him.

"I love you, Alexander," Magnus said, quietly, and he didn't wait for the reply before he left. He was so tired of fighting.

AN: Hello there.

For the few of you who also follow my SPN fic, I'm sorry! I know I said this would be up saturday or sunday, but an essay and school got in the way of finishing it, but here it is, so it's not too late.

I hope you like it. Review? That'd be lovely.

Lea