Alec woke up while it was still dark outside. The curtains didn't let in much light from the window, but there was a small crack, and through it Alec could see the dark blue, almost black, night sky.
It took him a moment, but then he realized why he had woken up. It was the sound of snoring coming from right outside the door to his office. It wasn't loud, but it was loud enough to wake him up. When he looked over at the door, he felt pain shoot through his neck and realized he must have strained it in his sleep. He yawned as he sat up, and then he sighed deeply. It was too early to be awake.
He stood, walking to the door, which led to the living room, and he turned the key still in the door to open it. When he did, the first thing he saw was Magnus sleeping in an arm chair positioned almost right in front of the office door. He must have dragged the chair there; it was one they usually kept in their bedroom.
Alec sighed and stepped closer to Magnus, bringing his hand up to cup Magnus' jaw. He bent over to bring his face to level with Magnus', and he stood there just looking at him for a few moments, listening as Magnus' snoring grew softer and softer, until he was just breathing regularly. After another moment, his eyes blinked open, and Alec let go of him and stood up straight. He kept looking at Magnus.
"Why aren't you in bed?" Alec asked as he watched Magnus wake up properly.
"I can't sleep so far away from you," Magnus said. His voice was coated in sleep, low, soft, slow. "I just wanted to be near you. And you locked the door to your office, so … I couldn't get closer than this."
Alec sighed. "You've been sleeping without me for years, Magnus," he said. "I'm sure you're fine."
"I didn't have a choice, then," Magnus said. His voice was more normal now, and his eyes didn't look just as tired. "Won't you come to bed with me?"
Alec looked away. "Magnus…"
"I won't touch you if you don't want me to," Magnus said, quickly, sitting up straight. "I promise, I'll stay as far away from you as I can. Please, just please, come to bed with me." He reached out, taking Alec's hands in his own. His thumbs brushed over Alec's, and Alec looked at their hands. "I just want you near me, Alexander. Please."
"I don't think I-" Alec started, but Magnus interrupted.
"Please don't say no," Magnus said. "I don't want to be away from you one moment, I can't bear it. Please just come with me. I'm begging you."
Alec sighed and closed his eyes, giving into Magnus. He never had been the stubborn type. Magnus stood up in front of him, Alec's eyes still closed, and suddenly lips were on his. He didn't kiss him back. He just stood there for a second, registering it, and then he pulled back. When he opened his eyes, Magnus was looking at him with a sad expression in his eyes.
Neither of them said anything, but Magnus let Alec's hands go, and Alec went to the bedroom. Magnus hesitated shortly, but then followed him, and Alec was getting into bed when Magnus closed the door behind him. He went to the bed, lying down on his side, and pulling the duvet up over his shoulder. He moved to lie closer to Alec, and put his arm around him. Alec wasn't facing him, and he tensed noticeably, but he didn't object, and eventually, he relaxed and they both fell asleep.
"I think you just have to give him some time, Alec," Jem said. They were sitting in Jem's hotel room, Alec on the bed and Jem on a chair.
It wasn't even 7am yet. Alec knew Jem always got up early and went for a run, so he had left before Magnus had even woken up. The breakfast at Jem's hotel would be opening in about half an hour, so they would go there when it did.
"I have given him time," Alec said. He sighed. "It's been three months. And I know it's hard losing your father, but what am I supposed to do to make it okay again?"
"I don't know what to tell you," Jem said. "You're just gonna have to wait it out. Give him space. It's not exactly something you get over in three months, Alec."
Alec sighed again. Deeper this time. "I know," he said. "I know." He looked down onto the bed and bit his lip. They were quiet for a few moments.
"What are you thinking?" Jem finally said.
"What I'm thinking?" Alec repeated. "What I've been thinking for as long as I've been with Magnus. I don't deserve him. I'm ruining his life. And now I'm taking it out on Lewis too."
"Alec, you know he-" Jem started, but Alec interrupted.
"He loves me. Yes. I know," Alec said. He hesitated for a bit. "But sometimes love just isn't enough. And life has done its damndest to pull us apart. I don't know that I can do this to him and Lewis much longer."
"So, what?" Jem asked. He leaned forward a bit in his chair, resting his elbows on his thighs. He was looking at Alec. "You're going to leave him? Them?"
Alec was still biting his lip. It ripped, and he tasted blood. He licked his lips. "I don't want to," he said quietly. "But I have to do what's best for them. And staying with them is not."
"Are you sure it's not?" Jem asked. He was still watching him. When Alec looked up, he caught his eyes. "Think about it. Losing the person you love more than anything in the world, and being left alone with your son. Finally getting him back, and believing everything might just be alright. And then he leaves you."
Alec looked away, his lips pressed together to be nothing more than a thin line. He slowly shook his head from side to side for a moment, and when he looked at Jem again, tears were burning in his eyes. "I don't want to hurt him anymore, Jem."
"Leaving him is hurting him, Alec," Jem said as he stood and went to sit next to Alec on the bed. He put his arm around Alec's shoulder.
Alec didn't answer that. He just stayed quiet for a moment, looking for a way to get out of there. He glanced at the clock. "Breakfast starts in 10 minutes, and you haven't had your shower yet," he finally said, softly. "You have to get ready."
Jem sighed, taking the hint. "I guess so," he said. He stood. He went to the closet to take out some clothes to wear after his shower. After a moment, he turned to Alec again. "Don't do it yet, alright? Stay. Think it over. If you think leaving him is what's best, I won't stop you. But you know everyone is going to be hurt if you leave." He hesitated. "I have your back no matter what, Alec, but don't choose anything because it's the easy option. Do what's right for all of you."
Then Jem went into the bathroom, and Alec stayed on the bed until he heard the shower starting. Then he got up and left the hotel, walking home. He needed time to think, but how was he going to do that with Magnus around at home?
When Alec closed the door to the apartment behind him, it wasn't more than a few seconds before he was pushed up against it. Lips were on his, Magnus' lips, and hands were removing his shirt before he had even realized what was going on. He only hesitated for a few seconds, and then he kissed Magnus back and helped him remove his shirt.
"What about-" he started to ask in between kisses, but he stopped to take in a sharp breathe as Magnus' lips went to that spot below his ear. He was breathless.
"Lewis is out," Magnus panted. "He's out, so just-" He cut off his own sentence, kissing and licking a warm trail down Alec's neck, then his chest, while he was trying to open Alec's jeans without stopping. It wasn't going so well.
Alec closed his eyes briefly, and placed a hand on Magnus' shoulder. "Mags, stop," he said. Still breathless. He opened his eyes.
When Magnus did stop, he looked up at Alec and then stood up. He was standing too close. Alec could feel his breath on his lips. "What's wrong?" Magnus asked.
"I don't know if this is a good idea," Alec said. He hated saying it. He wanted to give into whatever Magnus wanted, but when he had been talking about leaving him half an hour before, it didn't feel right.
A moment after, Magnus' head was resting on Alec's shoulder and his arms were wrapped around Alec's waist. "That's okay," he whispered in his ears. "It's okay that you don't want to. I just need to be close to you."
Alec nodded and wrapped his arms around Magnus' shoulders. He sighed. "I'm sorry. It's been long."
"Don't worry about that," Magnus said quietly, and then he pressed a kiss to Alec's jaw line. Alec breathed out, relaxing against the door behind him. "I love you."
"I love you, too, Mags."
"Please don't ever leave," Magnus said.
Alec tensed. "What?" he asked.
"After our fight, and everything last night, and you left before I even woke up," Magnus said too quickly. He paused and took a deep breath. "I was worried you wouldn't be back. I was worried you'd left."
Alec closed his eyes, brushing his hand softly over Magnus' hair. Every word broke his heart. "I could never leave you, Magnus," he said. He sighed. "Not for anything in the world."
AN:
Life's a bitch. I'm sorry.
Review if you like.
Lea