Redemption
Disclaimer: I do not own PotS, Tamora Pierce does.
"Back to the Beginning"
"There's been no mistake." stated the Chamber/Joren. "I suppose it was a bit confusing with the whole 'choose your death' routine, because there never was going to be a choice. The gods just needed to decide what to do with you. Pray that you will learn what you need to learn and change what you need to change. Otherwise, you will become a soul I will pity for all of eternity. Let's get started; we're wasting your time now."
Joren had nothing to say. His mind was numb from the horror of it all. His 'split self' was making him crazy. He didn't want to believe that this was how he sounded or behaved, but he knew it was true. He didn't want to believe that his life had sunk so low. This truly was unbearable. Joren knew that he obviously had no future, but he could only wonder, "Just how slow and unbearable would this death be?"
Joren woke up in a bed that seemed vaguely familiar to him. Pale sunlight was filtering through the gauzy white bed curtains. He was surrounded by plump pillows and soft coverings. Unfortunately, he was also drenched with sweat. His throat felt parched and his body felt sore all over, especially his lower abdomen. He wondered if everything that had happened within the Chamber was just some weird dream.
Suddenly, Joren felt that his body was being split in half by a terrible pain. He had never felt such an intense pain. He wanted to scream. He heard and felt his voice scream aloud, and realized with horror that he (in his spirit form) was within the body of a woman. This woman was writhing with pain and her thoughts were panic stricken.
"No, no, no! It's too soon! This babe cannot come now. It cannot!" thought the woman. "I need the nurse! Nurse! Someone please help me!" she cried out.
This was completely unacceptable! How dare the Chamber place him within a woman? And this woman was obviously about to have a baby. There was no way that he, Joren of Stone Mountain, would stand for this kind of nonsense! Joren wanted to be out of this body right away.
"Stop fighting what must be," stated the Chamber/Joren. "There's no need for alarm. You'll get used to moving in and out of different ... bodies ... soon enough. It's a bit disorienting at first, but that's why we left your own body back there in the present. As a spirit, I can place you within anyone without any ill effects - for them. Everything you will see, hear, feel and think has already happened. You cannot affect anything - you can only experience the events through the perspective of the person with whom I place you. You'll always be able to communicate with me; I'm the only one who can hear you now anyway. When I determine that you've experienced enough, I'll pull you out of the situation. Since you lack compassion, especially for the weak, and especially for women, I'm starting you here. It's always best to go back to the beginning. Just remember, this is your past ..."
Joren couldn't argue anymore, because the woman was having another painful attack. He was as speechless as she was due to the pain. Why wasn't anyone helping this poor woman? Finally, someone was dabbing her forehead with a cool damp cloth.
"Please, m'lady, you must calm yourself. The healer is on his way here now."
"My husband!" exclaimed the woman. "Where is my husband? Someone must tell him. Oh ... oh no ..." and her voice trailed off until it was just a low keening.
Joren continued to be horrified as he felt warm liquid oozing out of the woman's body and the sensation that his insides were being ripped out of him. The woman fainted from the pain and Joren experienced her fevered dreams. There were dreams of small bluish infants and tiny coffins, little gravestones near a stony chapel on a windswept hill, and heart wrenching sorrow. Joren wanted to pull away from this nightmare, but he couldn't. There were other voices - male voices. There was some shouting, but it didn't make any sense. Then someone spooned a thick liquid into the woman's mouth. Finally she drifted deeper into a dreamless sleep, and Joren took the opportunity to question the Chamber.
"What is this? Why am I here? What am I supposed to be learning - childbirth is painful? Everyone knows that. I can't see what possible good it will do me to experience this event for myself! Thank the gods I'm a man!"
"This is part of your journey. You are here to listen and to learn. Explore her thoughts. Try to understand what she's feeling. It won't be long now."
Joren felt the woman regaining consciousness and willed himself to listen for her thoughts again. She must have slept for a longer time than he realized, because the light coming in through the window was now the purplish hue of early evening, just after sunset. She was no longer sweaty or bloody. Her bedclothes and all of the bedding were clean. No one had seen that she was awake, so she lay very still and listened to the conversation that was happening across the room by the hearth.
"What a pity m'lady won't be able to bear no more babes," said the nurse, in a soft voice.
"A shame, ye say?" questioned the other voice, one the woman recognized as belonging to her long-time personal maid. "I say 'tis a blessin', it is. M'lady's been with child seven times in seven years, with only three live births. And there's only the one survivin' son. It's a wonder m'lady still lives at all. Our lord never gives her time to heal. I think the Great Mother Goddess did her a favor by closin' her womb this time. The healer told m'lord there's to be no more babes. They mustn't even try again, or m'lady'll certainly die. Now maybe the poor dear can get some rest."
The woman let silent tears run down her face. She wished she had died this time. Now she feared her husband wouldn't love her anymore. She heard the concern in her maid's voice as the two servants talked of all her past pregnancies and the sadness over her unfulfilled hopes. The woman bit the inside of her mouth hard so she wouldn't make any noise while she cried. Joren heard and felt everything, too, and he wondered at the obvious care and respect this woman's servants had for her. He flinched at the thought of the woman having had seven times of this pain in seven years. Finally, Joren wondered who this woman was, to have endured so much agony, and yet still be alive.
There was a loud commotion outside in the hallway and then the door of the bedchamber flew open. The woman quickly closed her eyes and pretended to be asleep. It was no use. Quick little steps sounded on the stone floor and then someone had pulled back the bed curtains and was shaking the bed - someone little.
"Mama! Mama! Wake up!" shouted a child's voice. "Where's my baby brother, Mama? I saw the healer come on his horse. You said I would have a brother when the healer comes. Where is he? I want him now!"
The woman let her eyes flutter open just as a different maid rushed up behind the child and apologized for letting the boy escape her control. The boy was beautiful, with wide blue eyes, blonde hair like corn silk, and rosy cheeks. He looked to be about four or five years old. The woman loved her son so much, but she was still in too much pain to answer his questions.
"Molly, take young Master Joren down to the kitchen for a sweet treat," said the woman's personal maid, as she grabbed hold of one of the child's arms and led him toward the door.
The child wrenched free of the maid's grasp and pushed against the bed again. The sudden movement made the woman nauseous and she turned her head away from the little boy's angelic face. Joren felt the nausea, as well as his own shock as he recognized his own child self. Now he recognized the bed, the room, and all the surroundings, too.
"I don't want a sweet!" yelled the boy, "I want a brother! Mama promised me a brother."
"Master Joren, your mother needs her rest," his nursemaid Molly said smoothly, "Let's go find your father and he can tell you about everything. Come along now."
All three servants pushed and pulled the boy out of the bedchamber and locked the door behind him. His little fists pounded on the door for a brief moment, but soon there was silence. Once again, the woman, whom Joren now knew was his own mother, felt the cool damp cloth wiping away her hot tears as she let herself drift back to sleep.
Joren felt the ripping sensation as the Chamber pulled his spirit away from his mother's sleeping body. He actually wanted to cry as he thought about everything he had just experienced. When he found himself sitting atop a grassy hill, which overlooked a stony valley, Joren recognized it immediately. He turned and looked over his shoulder and saw his family's granite castle rising up in the distance. He also saw the image of the Chamber/Joren walking toward him, and he became angry.
"This is my hill!" Joren exclaimed. "This is where I come whenever I need to be alone."
"Technically, you are alone." replied the Chamber/Joren. "No one here knows about you except me - and I'm not really a person, but we've covered that already. Now, what did you learn?"
"What did I learn? Hah! Are you going to make me relive all the terrible moments of my childhood? Is this what you mean by a 'slow and unbearable death'?" Joren ranted, as he got up and began to pace back and forth. "Don't you think I know where my attitudes came from? Just look at my father, the brute! Look what he did to my mother - he nearly killed her with his foolish quest for heirs! All these years he degraded her to me, telling me that she was weak and that every other woman was weak, too. I had so much contempt for my mother, but all this time it should have been him. My father nearly had me convinced that it was my duty to get married right away and produce heirs for Stone Mountain. I would have done the same thing to some poor woman, and my father would have cheered me on. I don't know how my father passed his Ordeal. Why didn't you kill him instead?"
"Well, well, well," drawled the Chamber/Joren. "Aren't you just the picture of a loyal son? You do realize that if your father had not passed his Ordeal, you would not exist?"
"Obviously, considering my current status, it was a complete waste of both of our lives. And my poor mother - what a pity! I was such a monster to her. You know I actually resented her for never giving me a brother. She gave me anything else I ever asked for - toys, clothes, horses, armor, anything - but I only wanted a brother. Gods, she must have felt such pain every time I asked about that. She never let on, though. I never knew how much I hurt her until now. I mean, I knew about the little graves near the family chapel, but I didn't understand what they really meant. My mother is so much stronger than I knew- I think I felt in her a bit of a desire to be dead herself, but she wanted to be there for me. She truly loved me."
"As I said before, it's best that we go back to the beginning," declared the Chamber/Joren. "You can learn so much."
A/N: I apologize for taking so long to update. The end of the summer break was so hectic. I hope to update more frequently as I settle into my new schedule. Please Read & Review. Thanks!