Redemption

Disclaimer: Tamora Pierce owns PotS and I'm just playing around in her world.

Choice of a Lifetime

"I make allowance for your grief." Kel had never heard that tone of voice in Raoul's voice. White-hot rage seemed to smoke off his skin. "Go. Bury your boy." Raoul hauled the lord of Stone Mountain up one-handed and thrust him at his wife and brother. "While you do, ask yourselves where he learned to be so rigid that he shattered under the Ordeal. Get out."

They left. Kel shut the door, trembling.

Raoul rubbed his face with both hands. "Gods," he whispered, "I need a drink."

-- Tamora Pierce, Squire

Joren's own thoughts reeled after the distraught man had burst into Kel's room, waking her up and accusing her of causing his son's death. Joren didn't want to believe what he was seeing. Shock and confusion filled both Kel and Joren as Lord Raoul attempted to calm the situation. Kel could not understand what the white-haired man was ranting about. Joren understood perfectly. The man was his father, Lord Burchard, and the other people were his mother and his uncle. This awful scene meant that he had not survived. Whatever the Chamber was doing, Joren knew then that his life truly was finished. He wanted to cry out to his mother and somehow comfort her, but he could only do what Kel was doing, which at that moment was nothing. Her mind was trying to absorb what had happened, but she couldn't. Kel didn't relax until after Lord Raoul had thrown out the grieving Stone Mountain clan and explained everything to her. Joren was numb, too, but he felt the pain again when the Chamber removed him from the situation.

Once again, Joren found himself sitting on his grassy hilltop, hugging his legs to his chest. "What was that ... that last 'visit' all about? Did my father truly attack Kel just then, or was that a vision of the future? Am I ... am I dead now?" Joren asked the Chamber, his voice breaking.

"Time and space are not the same here as in the Mortal Realm. Others have come and passed their Ordeals while you have remained with me," explained the Chamber/Joren in a casual tone of voice. "You are so stubborn that it has taken quite a while for you to show any of the attitude changes necessary for me to release you. All of the 'visits' were meant to help you understand and acknowledge the error of your ways - now you know what you need to know. There is not much more I can show you that would make a difference. Very few people have had the chance to experience life from so many different points of view. What have you learned?"

Joren sat there for a long time and pondered everything he had seen and heard during his 'visits' within other people. Something finally 'clicked' in his mind. He now realized - and regretted - the pain and anguish he had either caused or contributed to during his lifetime. He knew that his actions were his own responsibility and not just a product of his faulty upbringing. He also knew that his punishment in the Chamber of the Ordeal was just. If he had been back in his own body, he would have wept bitterly. Then Joren recalled looking down at his limp body in the middle of the stone floor of the Chamber. The expression frozen on his face had been one of despair. If he didn't know better, he would have thought he was just sleeping and dreaming. But Joren did know better. He was not dreaming; this was a nightmare, and he was ready for it to be over.

The Chamber/Joren sat next to him, watching his face intently.

Joren turned to his 'twin' and asked, "What will happen next? Earlier you said I have to make another decision. Has this been 'slow and unbearable' enough for you to ... for me to ... to be done? I can't bear any more 'visits' like the last one. I'm sorry for the way I lived my life - I truly am! If it was possible, I would go back in time and do many things differently."

"You cannot undo what has already been done. Some of the things you did, even the malicious ones, had tremendous effects you don't fully realize. I will tell you that because of you, Keladry had to work many times harder than any boy ever had to in order to earn her way and she is stronger now than most knights who have passed through my door. Because of you, Keladry finally vanquished her fear of heights, and gained the everlasting respect of those who witnessed her feat. Because of you, Keladry had to endure challenge after challenge as you goaded your friends to joust against her - now she is one of your realm's best warriors and she will go on to do greater things, as well as inspire others to do greater things, too. Because of you, the laws of your realm will change to provide more equality and better justice for all its citizens. No, you cannot go back in time - you may only choose which path to take next."

Joren made a rude noise and said bitterly, "I can hardly wait to hear what my next choices will be. How many times must I choose my cycle of death?"

"You should be grateful that the gods have decided to allow you to make another choice. This is beyond rare." declared the Chamber/Joren, his voice chilly with the disdain that Joren so despised, even though it was his own voice. "Now that you have seen and admitted to the errors of your ways, the Dark God is willing to usher you into the Peaceful Realms. You may choose to go with him and be done with me. The Great Mother Goddess, however, has seen in you the possibility of redemption. Therefore, you may choose to return to the Mortal Realm and live out the remainder of your life, however long that may be. However, Mithros has agreed to require you to meet the Goddess' conditions: make true amends for your misdeeds, live faithfully by your realm's Code of Chivalry and find love with your enemy, Keladry of Mindelan. If you fail to meet any of these conditions within one year's time, you will return to me and relive the worst moments of your life over and over again. After that, Mithros himself will send you to the blackest pit of the Dark God's realm - and I will not pity you."

Joren now stared at his mirror image with his mouth hanging open and his thoughts whirling around crazily. He realized that he no longer had to choose between certain kinds of death - one of his choices would allow him to live! He knew he could make peace with his mother and all the other people he had harmed in some way. He knew he could live an honorable life and be the kind of knight who would make Lord Wyldon proud. He knew he could ... well ... he didn't know if he could love Kel. The very thought of it made him cringe. Certainly, after everything that had happened between them, she couldn't love him, could she? How could he possibly find love with someone who hated him? The price of failure was extremely high. Was it worth the risk? Joren's mind nearly froze as he tried to make his decision, and the expression on his face was one of dismay.

"Ah, I can see you do understand that you should not make this choice lightly," drawled the Chamber/Joren. "You need to know that many things will have changed in your world since you entered this chamber. You have been away from your own body for a long time and it will not be easy to return to it. You can have eternal peace now if you take the Dark God's choice. There is no guarantee of success with the Goddess' choice; indeed, it is highly likely that you will struggle and perhaps fail if you go back. Of course it will help that you may remember the things that happened while you were in here with me. Keep in mind though, it is like any other Ordeal and you may not speak of your experiences here to anyone. You must consider everything very carefully."

Suddenly, Joren found himself back in the stone Chamber of the Ordeal. His "twin" was no longer with him, and neither was his physical body. It was dark and he was alone. He was facing the metal door of the Chamber, which he now could see because it glowed eerily. The carved face on the door seemed to come to life and speak to him, even though its mouth did not move. He heard the unnatural voice vibrate in his mind.

"Joren of Stone Mountain, make your choice now."

A/N: Yikes! It's a cliff-hanger. (Oh yeah, like you can't guess which choice he'll make) ;D Please R & R. Thanks!