Redemption
Disclaimer: Tamora Pierce owns all of PotS. Everything you recognize is hers; everything you don't recognize is mine.
A/N: I really have to stop listening to dramatic symphonic music when I write. I give you fair warning - this super-long chapter is full of angst and tears and some weak poetry, so you might need to have a box of tissues nearby. Not very much fluff here, but more will be forthcoming. I'm shuffling my music to something way more upbeat. Enjoy!
"Kel, I'm ordering you to lie down right now," Aron told her as he took the letter from her hand and made her get under her covers. "I'll be back real soon with some ice for you. We've got to get that fever under control. If we can't, then I must send you back to Corus immediately. Perhaps Duke Baird will know what to do."
A New Mission
Joren sat near the open window of the dining room of a small inn and breathed in the fresh summer evening air. He pushed his half-eaten food toward the outer edge of the long table and then drank deeply from his tankard of ale. He was not in the mood to listen to the lively tunes of the musicians by the hearth, but he had no choice. This was one of the only places for travelers to stay along the route to Corus, and he only planned to eat and rest for a short while before heading out again. Kel and Aron had a two-day lead on him, but he was traveling quickly and lightly, using hired courier horses instead of his own.
Joren desperately needed to catch up with Kel before she reached the palace. The day after Kel's birthday, when he visited Fort Stonebridge to bring Kel his present for her, the officer-in-charge informed him that Commander Keladry had taken ill and Sir Aron was escorting her to Corus to see the royal healer. Joren found Martin of Disart, who asked him if any of the Stone Mountain travelers had become feverish or continuously ill from the heatstroke they experienced during the caravan. Joren hadn't heard of anything like that, but it disturbed him to find out that Kel had been so sick since they all had returned from Corus. He quickly packed a bag and rode away from Stone Mountain, leaving his mother to preside over the final preparations for their Midsummer's festival. Joren thought hard about what might be troubling Kel, and he knew he had to talk to her before she saw the royal healer.
While Joren was brooding over how to tell Kel about what his mother had done to both of them and how the aftereffect of that event may be the cause of her 'illness,' the musicians started to play a slow ballad. At first, he ignored the song, as he had ignored the earlier tunes, but then the words of the refrain and a verse of the ballad caught his attention:
Who protects the Protector?
Out on her missions so bold?
And who will hold her in the night,
When it's dark and when it's cold?
Is there no man who is willing to stay?
Is there no man who is willing to hold?
The Protector of the Small
Out on her missions so bold?
Again into the Chamber
The Protector, she did go;
To hear of its instructions
For her to slay the foe
The Chamber sends her dreams,
So she knows which way to go.
But dreams cannot protect her,
That much we all do know.
Who protects the Protector?
Out on her missions so bold?
And who will hold her in the night,
When it's dark and when it's cold?
Joren sat there in stunned silence as the fiddler continued to play a slow interlude. Of course, he had heard about Kel's mission to stop the killing machines and her hero status from the war with Scanra, but this was the first time he had heard a romanticized musical version of the story. The ballad's sweet, plaintive tune almost made Kel seem like a tragic figure, even though she had been victorious. The words of the ballad made her out to be a solitary figure, traveling life's roads on her own and living by her own counsel - and that of the Chamber.
Suddenly, Joren wanted to know more about Kel's dreams from the Chamber. He realized that Kel's celebrated adventures took place while he was stuck in the Chamber for so many years. He wanted to ask Kel how the Chamber sounded to her ears - was it her own 'twin' who spoke to her or did the Chamber sound like that voice who demanded he make his choice? Joren's intuition told him that the Chamber itself would play a key role in solving his current problems. The minstrel sang the refrain again, and Joren wanted his name to be the answer to the ballad's main query. He quickly paid the inn keeper, hurried to stable to mount the horse which had been prepared for him, and rode off into the night.
The midday sun beat down on the travelers, but Aron was confident that they would be in Corus by nightfall. He was leading Kel's horse Hoshi and controlling his own hors's pace as they rode along. Kel was sort of drowsing in her saddle, but Aron had placed a simple spell on her to keep her from falling out of it. He was relieved she was getting this little bit of rest, because her fever had not allowed for a good night's sleep at the inn where they had stayed the previous night. When Aron heard the fast-approaching hoof beats coming from behind him and Kel, he figured that the rider had to be a courier riding so swift a horse. He was mildly surprised to hear the hoof beats slowing as they came nearer, and then he was shocked to see that Joren was the rider.
"How is she?" Joren nodded toward Kel as he trotted his horse next to Aron's mount. "Is she alright?" "Mithros! Please be alright."
Aron just stared at Joren. It took him a moment to process that the Lord of Stone Mountain had been traveling at such a fast pace in order to catch up with Kel. Whatever it was that was troubling Joren, he did seem sincere in his concern for Kel. Aron was not sure what Joren's motivation was, but he was not comfortable with the situation.
"I'm not sure that it's any of your business," Aron coolly began, "But, no, Kel is not alright. I don't know what else to do to help her, so I'm taking her to see Duke Baird of Queenscove, the Royal Healer. With his vast experience, he may know of the correct cure. It is deeply troubling to me that I cannot do more than keep Kel safe until we get to Corus."
Joren simply nodded his understanding and dropped back to ride near Kel. She was wearing a wide-brimmed hat to shield her face from the brutal sun, but Joren could see the sheen of the sweat on her brow. His heart was beating quickly as he decided what to do next. Aron glared at him when he saw Joren reach out to touch Kel's shoulder.
"Huh? What ... what's wrong?" Kel stammered as she came back to consciousness. "Joren? Is that you? What are doing here?" "Oh gods, I don't need this right now! Why won't you just leave me alone?"
"Hullo, Kel," Joren greeted her with a nod, "I ... I ... heard that you weren't feeling well and ... I needed to ... um, talk to you right away." "Ugh! I sound ridiculous!"
"Surely, whatever you need to talk to me about can wait until later." Kel told him; her voice had a hard edge to it. "Honestly, Joren! Is it too much to ask that you not butt into my personal life any more than you already have?"
"Actually ... no, it can't wait," explained Joren. "That's why I rode out here so fast." "You had a two-day lead on me, but I still caught up."
"Joren, I plan to stay at my parents' townhouse after I see Duke Baird," Kel was irritated, but she tried to offer a suitable alternative to speaking with Joren right now. "Perhaps, if it's really that important, you can visit us and speak with me then. I'll give you the address. They - my parents - have come back to Tortall for a while. The General has given me a short leave of absence so that I may visit with them now." "I have to talk to my mother. I need for her to hold me the way she did when I was a child and tell me everything is going to be alright."
"Kel, please ... please, can we stop under those trees over there and talk?" Joren pleaded. "You look like you could use a break from the sun anyway." "Oh no! Merciful Mithros, no! Not your parents, too? I thought I would have more time before they came back. You cannot find out that I've been writing to them, not yet. Gods, this is a nightmare! Please, please, please! I have to talk to you now!
"Thanks for your concern," Kel answered sarcastically, but her Yamani mask was firmly in place. "Aron, can we stop for just a moment so Lord Joren here can tell me his important ... whatever?" "Of all the ... Aagh, I just can't stand it! I know you'll never go away if I don't let you have your say, so we may as well get it over with."
Aron continued to glare at Joren, and Joren was glad that Aron would never be romantically interested in Kel. If Aron preferred female companionship, Joren was certain the healer/knight would have challenged him or fought him by now. He was just relieved that Kel had agreed to hear him out. Aron released Kel from her saddle-sticking spell and the three knights dismounted near the trees. Aron stayed with the horses and let them graze, while Kel and Joren walked further into the small wooded area to talk privately. When they were far enough away, Kel turned to Joren, crossed her arms over her chest, and glared at him.
"So, what's this all about, Joren?" Kel demanded. "What is so vital that you have driven your horse into a lather to catch me?" "This had better be real good, or else I'm going to pound you when I feel well again!"
"Kel, did you really go back into the Chamber of the Ordeal a second time to receive your mission?" Joren asked. "You know, the way some of the ballads say you did?" "This is really, really important right now. I have to know."
"Joren, please, please tell me that you did not travel all this way, and disrupt my trip, in order to get some sort of history lesson from me." Kel demanded. "I don't believe this! Have you truly gone insane?"
"I have to know, Kel, because I ... I'm ... I'm thinking I need to go back into the Chamber myself," Joren explained, "And I was wondering, if you did go back into the Chamber for answers, how did you do it?" "Tell me, Kel. Tell me the truth."
"You're joking, right? Wasn't seven years in the Chamber enough for you?" Kel was becoming angrier with every statement Joren made and her head was starting to hurt again. "Huh? What is wrong with you?"
"Kel, I don't think I'm crazy, but I'm having strange dreams." Joren admitted. "I think the Chamber might be sending me these strange dreams. Some of them have become real and I'm not sure what to do next. Didn't your dreams from the Chamber become real, too?" "Your eyes are telling me you think I'm crazy, but I'm not. I know I'm not."
"Joren, now I do think you're crazy," bitterness hardened her voice, "If you'll excuse me, I really do want to get to Corus before nightfall." Kel tried to go around Joren, but he grabbed her wrist and held it tight. Her hat fell off of her head and hung on its tether down her back. Kel's face was stony.
"Kel, are your dreams filled with ... visions of me ... and of you ... together?" Joren's voice was ragged with desperation. "Do you dream of being on a grassy hilltop? Do you dream of ... of ... tadpoles? Tadpoles with strange-colored eyes? Tadpoles who wave their little arms at you?" "Don't lie to me now, Kel, just don't! I've got to know."
Kel froze. Joren had described her bizarre dreams exactly. How could they be having the same dreams? Why would Joren think that the Chamber had sent these kinds of dreams? Now Kel wondered if she was going insane along with Joren.
"The Chamber sent me dreams about my mission to stop Blayce!" Kel exclaimed. "There is nothing, nothing about my current dreams that could have come from the Chamber! Joren, I think you need to talk to Duke Baird, too." "If you're going insane, I don't want you to drag me down with you! Gods, did you infect me with something when we ... when we ... oh, my gods! This just gets worse and worse!"
"So you are having these same dreams!" Joren pulled her closer to him. "Don't deny it, Kel, because the truth is there in your eyes!" "I knew it! Mithros, can't you see what's going on with us, Kel?"
"No! I am not going to discuss this with you!" Kel pulled her wrist out of Joren's grip. "I am going to Corus right now to get healing help from Duke Baird. I suggest you come along, too, because you clearly need help." "We are going now - with or without you - but I sincerely hope you'll get the help you so obviously need."
"I also think you might be pregnant!" Joren blurted out. "No! Why did I say that out loud?"
Kel laughed. Actually, it sounded more like she barked, because her throat had gone dry when Joren said what he said. She walked in a circle around a large tree and ran her fingers through her sweat soaked hair. She knew she had to regain her composure quickly. She tried, but she just couldn't force her Yamani calm to find its way to her face. Giving up, she turned back to glare at Joren.
"Joren, you have gone insane! Nothing you're saying makes any sense! First, it's the Chamber, and now you think I'm pregnant?" exclaimed Kel. "How can I possibly be pregnant? We've only been together the one time and I had protection." She reached into her shirt and pulled out the chain with its dangling charm and brandished it in front of his face. "Of all the crazy things ... !"
Joren looked at Kel sorrowfully and shook his head from side to side. "Kel, believe me, I am so sorry it has come to this. I wanted you to love me first. I hoped I could win your trust enough for you to stay with me, and become my wife - never my mistress." He reached for her hands again but she pulled away from his touch. "Kel, please ... I love you more than words can express, but my mother and I have done a very bad thing to you. If you hate me after this, I will understand. I only know that without your love, I will die and Stone Mountain will die with me. Let's go to the Chamber together, right now. The Chamber will help us figure this out! I just know it will!" "Mithros help me ... you don't believe a word I'm saying!"
"This is completely ridiculous, Joren!" Kel replied angrily and paced back and forth, "I don't understand why you are trying to make me go insane with you. So we had sex - for one night!That certainly willnot happen again. And what's your mother got to do with any of this? Your family is just so ... just so ... well, I feel sorry for you in that regard. I don't think you really know what love is. I've seen real love. My parents love each other deeply. Baron George of Pirate's Swoop loves Alanna the Lioness enough to let her be who she needs to be. And Dom ... Dom truly loved me." "Even though Dom didn't come back to me, I can't be with you, Joren. That one night was pure insanity, but you took advantage of my weakness. You're the snake who 'bit' me and your touch was like a poison in my body. It's my own fault for picking you up, but you 'bit' me when I trusted you and I just can't be with you."
Kel could not stop the hot tears from rolling down her face as she continued to speak. "Dom wanted ... he even asked my parents for my hand in marriage. He was going to change his whole life to be with me. When he ... died ... a part of me died with him. I don't know if I can love anyone the way I loved Dom. I'm sorry Joren, but I can't love you like that." "And Dom ... I just don't know how to be happy right now. I'm sorry ..."
"I'm sorry, too, Kel. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry about Dom. I'm just ... so very sorry." Joren's eyes had tears in them now and Kel's breath caught in her chest when she saw them. "But I love you, Kel. And believe it or not, I have changed my whole life to be with you. I've tried to make amends for my past. I also have asked ... well, I've made plans for a future that include you. But now, I think ... no, I know the Chamber will help us figure this out. Please come with me, Kel." "I don't know what else to do!"
Kel suddenly thought about the letters she recently had received from her long-time friends. They all said that Joren had apologized to them and asked for their forgiveness. Joren had dismissed his mistress, Lady Celeste, in a nice way, and there didn't seem to be anyone ready to replace her. The villagers of Stonesedge liked Joren, and they saw him as a benevolent overlord. The soldiers admired Joren's hard work to get back in shape and the way he bravely fought off bandits. Even Aron had said Joren was being extra nice lately. Joren was the one who remembered Kel's birthday.
Kel swiped at her tears and answered Joren, "I really do think you're insane now, Joren. Being held by the Chamber for so long must have made you insane. Maybe we can get the healers to help you." "Because I will go insane if I have to listen to any more of your nonsense! I have my own problems. I can't handle your problems, too."
"Stop saying that I'm insane!" cried Joren, "If you won't believe me, then maybe you'll believe the cursed Chamber. Just come with me and be there when I go inside. Just wait for me in the chapel. That's all I'm asking now." Joren grabbed Kel hand tightly and pulled her toward Aron and the horses. This time she did not resist him. Kel was just about ready to agree to anything that would get them all back on the road to Corus again.
Kel watched as Joren slowly approached the iron door to the Chamber of the Ordeal. Although it was the middle of summer, the Chapel of the Ordeal was cold. Kel almost welcomed its coolness against her feverishly hot skin. Aron was dumbfounded when they explained what they were going to do, but he could not dissuade them from their folly. He agreed to post himself outside of the door to the chapel so no one would disturb Kel and Joren. He also decided that both of them had lost their minds.
When the Chamber's metal door swung open on its own, Joren looked back at Kel with a pained expression on his face. It was all he could do to make his feet move forward into the too-familiar dark room. He hoped he would return soon and not in seven more years - or not at all.
"I love you, Kel." Joren's haunted eyes revealed his terror to Kel. "If the Chamber, for whatever reason, does not let me return, would you please tell my mother that I loved her, too?"
Kel nodded her agreement. "I will wait here for you. The last time I came here, the Chamber just let me go afterward. I walked out of this placeand looked for the opportunity to complete my mission. Perhaps the Chamber really has a new mission for you. Perhaps the Chamber will just tell you to turn yourself over to the healers so you can get some real help. I don't understand what you're searching for Joren, but I will wait right here for your return."
Joren stood in the center of the floor of the Chamber and waited for the door to close by itself. Once he was in complete darkness, he was almost relieved to hear the Chamber's rasping, ghostlike voice, and not his own drawling voice, in his head.
"You've come far, but not far enough." rasped the Chamber's disembodied voice. "Time continues to slip past you. There are decisions you may influence, but you cannot make the decisions for others. Why are you here?"
"I didn't know where else to go." Joren admitted. "Kel won't believe me. I barely believe me. What can I do? Please, will you help me?"
"You have come farther than you know. Humility is one of the best of the mortal traits. Love is another one. You truly love Keladry of Mindelan now. And you understand your inability to change anyone other than yourself. Your progress is commendable; I will help you."
The Chamber showed Joren images and scenes from his recent past with Kel that made Joren blush with embarrassment. From that moment on, Joren would never look twice at another woman, because he knew that nothing and no one could ever compare with what he had - and desperately hoped to have again - with Kel. Then the Chamber showed Joren the meaning of his bizarre dreams. The Chamber did not promise Joren success. It only advised him to be patient, to continue to love Kel, and to hope for the best outcome by the end of the year. Then, the Chamber released Joren, opened the door, and let him return to the world of the living again.
While Joren was inside of the Chamber of the Ordeal, Kel sat on one of the wooden benches in the cold chapel. Suddenly, she knew she had to touch the door of the Chamber. It had been many years since she had 'spoken' with the entity inside the Chamber, but she still was drawn to its mysterious power. Kel's overwhelming need to communicate with it finally overpowered any apprehension she felt. Kel cautiously approached the metal door, reached out her hand and gently placed her palm on its cold surface.
"Ah, you again." Kel heard the familiar, but strange voice in her head. It was as though her mission to find and stop Blayce had occurred only days before, instead of years. "Why do you hesitate to act? Isn't your current mission exciting enough for you?"
"What mission?" Kel asked mentally, "I stopped Blayce many years ago and you stopped sending me those awful dreams about him killing the children to make his machines work. But lately, I've been having different dreams, and I ... we ... wondered if they came from you."
As an answer, the chamber twisted Kel's view around so that she was standing outside of herself. Kel watched as the events of the nights Joren's mother put the strong potion into her drinks played out before her eyes. She saw Lady Virryn put the drops of liquid into her goblet and into Joren's wine glass. She saw the now-familiar dream scene on the grassy hilltop, but this time she heard Joren refer to her as 'Celeste' and she could see the wild glassiness in his eyes. Kel saw her own unfocused eyes and heard herself call Joren "Dom" and she watched in complete dismay as they hurried back to her room and fell into bed together. She noticed the polished stone necklace around her neck, intertwining with the chain that held her pregnancy charm - and she saw the ways she had intertwined with Joren, not just once, but many different times that first potion-fueled night. No wonder Joren thought she might be pregnant! When the dream flipped to the scene of the second time Lady Virryn drugged only her, Kel saw that Joren just held her in his arms the whole night -he had told her the truth- while she had believed she dreamed of sleeping in Dom's arms. Thankfully, the Chamber did not dwell too long on the passionate night she and Joren had recently experienced in the covered wagon. Kel closed her eyes against the shame she felt at being so exposed. She wanted to run away, but the Chamber held her there and would not release her hand from its supernatural grip.
"Your current mission is already in motion," said the Chamber in its raspy voice. "But there are choices only you can make."
Then the Chamber twisted her view again. Once more, Kel saw herself sitting on that familiar grassy hill, overlooking a stony valley. Two very little boys were running around her, waving their wooden toy swords at each other and giggling furiously. One boy had sandy brown hair and wide hazel eyes. The other boy had white-blond curls and sky-blue eyes. The Kel in the vision looked quite happy and quite pregnant, and her smile became wider as a pair of long legs came walking up the path behind the trio. The boys ran to and wrapped themselves around the legs, which kept coming closer until they were right next to the vision-Kel. Then a man tumbled down, falling quite literally into what was left of her lap. Kel saw her vision-self lean down and passionately kiss a smiling Joren full on the lips. Both of the little boys wriggled in between the laughing couple and when she looked into their cute faces, Kel suddenly recognized the 'tadpoles' from her dreams. The scene ended with the four of them all in a happy jumble of arms and legs together.
"But ... how can ... that ... be a mission?" protested Kel. "What kind of mission is that?"
"You are mending the Mountain and making it your own." replied the Chamber, echoing the words of that too-familiar song. "There is no greater mission than bringing new life to a dying House. The mortal queen of your realm is fulfilling a similar mission. Your love and your compassion are powerful enough to redeem Stone Mountain. You may choose to forgive the dying old woman whose actions sprang from her desperate desire to save her House. You may choose to protect the very small mortals who are inside of you now. They and the others will flourish under your love and care. Your children may become great warriors for your realm. You still may serve your mortal king with honor, for there are other battles in which you may fight and be victorious. Joren of Stone Mountain has made his choices - he chose life and love with you. Now you must make your choices, but you also must understand the consequences of your hesitation..."
The Chamber twisted Kel's viewso that she stood just inside of a small room. She watched as her parents rushed into the room and she saw her mother collapse to her knees next to a bed. Her father's shoulders heaved as he wept and kneeled down next to his wife. Kel heard Duke Baird's gentle voice, explaining to her parents that no one had ever known or guessed Kel was pregnant because she wasn't showing any typical signs of pregnancy. The healer told them that by the time he realized what was making their daughter so ill, it was too late; the babies inside of her were dying and so was she. He apologized sorrowfully for not being able to save any of them. When Kel's weeping parents stood up, with their arms wrapped around each other for support, Kel saw the horrible vision of her pale and lifeless body on the blood-stained bed.
The Chamber then whisked her away to a different scene - at Stone Mountain, Lady Virryn was draped over the open-eyed, blue-lipped, limp body of her son. This time, there was no sign of life left in him; he really was dead. Sir Alwin tried to comfort the weeping woman, but she kept saying over and over, "My fault! This is all my fault! She couldn't love him, but I forced their hands and now they're all gone! It's my fault! My fault!"
"Stone Mountain loves you and needs you more than you know." The Chamber rasped, "But the choices are still yours to make." And then it released Kel from its cold, cold grip.
Kel blinked and realized that tears were streaming down her face. She rubbed her cold hand with her other hand, massaging out its stiffness. She thought about everything the Chamber had shown her and she returned to the wooden bench. When Kel sat down, she put her head in her hands and wept. She didn't know how long she had been there when she felt a hand gently touch her shoulder. Kel looked up and Joren sat down next to her. Then he folded her cold, wet hands inside of his warm, dry hands, and silently - almost reverently - kissed away her tears.
A/N: So, I hope you liked it even though it was pretty angst-y. I know I used the word 'please' far too often. Does anyone know of a different way to convey polite begging? Please let me know what you think. :D Thanks for reading and reviewing!