Redemption

Disclaimer: Tamora Pierce owns all of PotS. Everything you recognize is hers; everything you don't recognize is mine.

A/N: I love those wonderful reviews! Many thanks to all of you who contribute. I think the story is better because of your input. Enjoy! :D

For a long moment Raoul scratched Jump's ear. At last he said, "I hear this from women of the Queen's Riders, the ones who want to command. Men who join the Riders are able to fight alongside females, or they don't last. But what the women say is that if they take Rider men as lovers, and it's found out, they encounter trouble. Men who dislike their orders offer to work it out in bed. Jealousies spring up, particularly if the woman and the man are in the same Rider group. If the woman is in command and the man isn't, they're both mocked by other men and the woman gets treated like a trollop."

Kel looked down. "Sir -"

"Nobody makes men surrender private life when they take up arms, Kel," Raoul said, filing their cups. "We only ask that such lives happen off duty. It's more complicated for women. It's not fair, but I think you already know the world isn't."

-- Tamora Pierce, Squire

Alanna's Advice

Kel was numb and could barely form a coherent thought. After she broke down in tears over the thought of Lord Raoul being disappointed in her, Joren went back to her to hold her until she settled down. Neal and Raoul exchanged glances. Never in a million years would either of them have expected to witness the scene in front of their eyes. Raoul reassured Kel that he did not think less of her for what had happened and she could tell that he really meant it. As far as Raoul was concerned, Kel's business was her own and he only wished her happiness with Joren - if that's what she really wanted. Neal apologized for acting as though Joren had committed a crime by marrying Kel. Neal explained that he was only upset because he did not understand how Kel could have eloped and not given her friends and family the chance to celebrate her marriage. Then Raoul decided that it would be best for them to take Kel to Alanna as soon as possible. The men would continue their own discussion with Joren while the lady knights conferred with one another.

Neal took the small group down a seldom-used back way to get to the part of the palace where the Cooper's chambers were. George had accompanied Alanna to Corus to attend the Midsummer's balls with her, but he exited their rooms when Raoul escorted Kel in. He was going out to have a chat with Joren about life with a lady knight. George winked at Alanna as he shut the door behind him and she grinned widely back at him. Then the two lady knights of Tortall sat across from one another at a small table in the room George used as his office whenever he and Alanna stayed at the palace. Kel stared ahead blankly while Alanna did most of the talking.

"I suppose Raoul told you about the Council's decision," Alanna began.

Kel could only nod her head. Her mouth wouldn't move for her. Her Yamani mask was firmly in place again, but Alanna was worried about the haunted look in the younger woman's eyes.

Alanna continued, "I'm very sorry, Kel. I argued and ranted and threatened to quit again, but I couldn't win this battle for you. This time it's the so-called progressives who don't want anyone too closely related to Stone Mountain to be in charge of protecting the silver mines. They're afraid you might turn over the keys to the fort to Lord Joren just because you're married to him now. Men are such fools! I believe they voted to have Sir Faleron of King's Reach take over for you as soon as possible. Apparently, he's getting married in the autumn, and they want him to be settled into command before he brings his bride to the fort. I'll bet they didn't check his betrothed's family tree for dangerous ancestors."

"Faleron? Faleron of King's Reach? He's one of my closest friends!" Kel softly exclaimed, shaking off her stupor. "Is Faleron here at the palace now?" "No wonder Faleron sent me a maessage that he urgently wanted to see me!"

"I believe so, because the General interviewed several candidates while the Council was meeting. Kel, you seem ... almost relieved to hear of this." Alanna observed.

"I ... guess I am." Kel was surprised at herself. "Since I'mnot allowed to command the fort, then it's good to know that the new person is someone I already like and respect. I know Faleron will do a good job, too. And the woman to whom he is betrothed is one of my cousins." "At least I'll have good neighbors."

"Your cousin?" Alanna's voice was filled with sarcasm. "That figures. I wonder if they'll worry about your relative handing the keys to fort back to you. Humph ... I know they won't. The gods certainly have a funny sense of humor."

"They haven't seemed very funny to me." Kel turned sober again. "They keep giving me impossible choices to make. And every time I make a choice, it comes back to bite me." "It just keeps going from bad to worse to ... I don't want to think about what's next."

"It's ... difficult ... to be touched by the gods. Believe me, I know." Alanna spoke softly to Kel, even though the room had powerful anti-eavesdropping spells. "When the Great Goddess appeared to me this morning, she informed me of your ... situation. I know this is hard for you to understand and accept, Kel, but the union between you and Joren has become an important part of the gods' plans for the future safety of our realm. That knowledge won't make any of this easier, but at least you should know that there is no malice behind their actions."

"I never ... asked to be part of any divine plans." Kel said, astounded that the Goddess had spoken directly to Alanna about her. "I just wanted to be a knight - a good knight." "Why couldn't the gods use someone else?"

"You should talk to George about all the lovely adventures he has had with the trickster god." Alanna tried to sound lighthearted. "Be glad Kyprioth hasn't been involved in your life. Trust me, my daughter's path in life would be much different if that god had not intervened. Different, but perhaps less ... enjoyable."

"Why do the gods have to meddle at all?" Kel's voice sounded hollow. "My life was already enjoyable. But now I am married to a man I never would have considered marrying, and I am carrying children I never would have planned to bear, and I am losing a command I never would have given up voluntarily. Why did the gods decide to ruin my life?" "I was living the life I chose to live. Why did they choose to pick on me?"

"Kel, I don't know all the answers," said Alanna. "The Goddess simply told me that your children are important to the realm. She also said that your love for your husband is important to the realm. I don't quite understand that, but today I am merely a messenger. Kel, can you love your husband, even though being with him will take your life in a different direction than the one you planned for yourself?"

"I ... I ... am trying ... to love him," Kel said and she placed her hands on her abdomen. "But every time I think I'm making progress, something else bad happens. I'm sure I can love these children - and I'll raise them to be good warriors since that's what the gods seem to want from me. I can do that much, but I don't know if I can make myself love Joren right now. It's because of him and his family - my family now - that I can't keep my command!" "If Dom had married me, nobody would have noticed us. Our life would have been a private life."

"That's a good, honest answer, Kel." Alanna stood up and walked over to the window. "I'll tell you the truth; there was a time when I refused to love either Jon or George. Love can cause a lot of grief. My life was ... alright ... but not great. Love makes up for a lot of grief, too."

"When did you ... once you made your choice ..." Kel stammered through her question. "How did you ... stop loving the one ... and only loved ... the other?" "How do I stop loving Dom? How can I ever trust Joren enough to love him back?"

Alanna chuckled and turned to face Kel. "I simply ... decided. Honestly, it was and still is George's complete and unconditional love for me that has made my choice easy and lasting. Obviously, King Jonathan and I haven't been able to distance ourselves from one another the way you are away from Dom. Yes, I know about that, too. Anyway, George lets me be who I am meant to be and we figure things out as we go along. I think your Joren has the look of a man who loves you in that same way, Kel."

Kel looked into Alanna's concerned violet eyes and nodded. "I know Joren loves me, even though it took the Chamber of the Ordeal seven years to convince him to choose to be with me. I just can't ... I wish I knew why ... why Dom didn't choose me. My life would be so much easier if Dom had chosen to come back to me." "Why didn't Dom love me enough to choose me?"

Alanna looked at the grieving lady knight in front of her and her own heart almost broke. Her face was frozen in the Yamani blank stare the Lioness had seen so often when Kel worked for her. Kel still had her hands on her abdomen as though she was trying to hold herself together and silent tears were streaming down her face. Alanna took a deep breath and placed her hand on Kel's shoulder and began to speak calmly to her.

"Kel, I only know this from speaking with Raoul when he was grieving over Dom's decision not to return to Tortall. You know, he went to the Yamani Islands to try to talk him into coming back. When he was first rescued, Dom never expected to have contact with or to see Tortall ever again. He did not realize where he was or how close he was to being able to come home. Dom told Raoul that after the warlord rescued him, he felt obligated to serve him. At his lowest point, when his body was broken, the warlord's daughter lovingly tended to him. They couldn't even communicate with words, but he came to appreciate everything that family did to help him recover. Kel, it's true that Dom didn't choose to come back to you, but it wasn't because he didn't love you enough. Dom only learned that he could have made a different choice after he had committed his life to the warlord and after he had married the man's daughter. By the time anyone in Tortall found out he was alive, Dom had become Yamani. Knowing men the way I do, Kel, I'm sure that part of him will always love you. I know Jon still loves me in his own way. But we each made our choices - good choices, the best choices - and our lives are richer for us being committed to those decisions."

"Dom really didn't ... know?" Kel asked in a surprised tone and wiped away her tears. "He was ... already married when Raoul found him?" "Oh gods! That means he might have ..."

"Raoul didn't find him." Alanna explained. "Once Dom was bound to Tsakuyo's daughter, the warlord told him where he was and contacted Raoul on Dom's behalf. Then Raoul went to see him. I thought Dom sent you a letter, too."

"He didn't tell me everything," Kel replied. "He ... he didn't tell me that he really didn't know where he was when he got married." "I can't believe he didn't tell me this in his letter!"

Alanna gasped in dismay, "Kel, have you been thinking all this time that Dom consciously chose the Yamani woman over you?"

"All this time ..." echoed Kel. "I've wasted all this time being sad for no good reason."

"No wonder the Goddess wanted me to talk to you." Alanna shook her head in amazement. "Men can be such idiots at times - leaving out important details, giving us half of a story, telling us what they think we want to hear. Give me the whole truth and nothing but the truth. That's something I can work with even if it hurts!"

Kel felt like a ton of weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. She felt ... free. Dom had chosen to live his new life before he knew he had a choice to return to his old life. Dom didn't choose Kyoko instead of her; he thought he was making the only choice available to him. Now Kel felt a little glimmer of hope that she might be able to love Joren the same way he loved her. Like Alanna, she just had to ... decide.

"Alanna, what about my life as a knight?" Kel asked, afraid of the answer. "What am I supposed to do now?" "Will I have to give up everything I've worked for all these years?"

"Oh, Kel, you'll always be a knight of the realm. You probably will command again someday - just not at Stonebridge." Alanna sounded apologetic. "For now, you will be considered a knight errant; free to wander and find adventures on your own or just to fight when and where you're needed. I did that for a while, too. I know it's not command, Kel, but I think you'll need to take a break in the not too distant future anyway. Twins are an adventure all by themselves. Welcome to my world!" Alanna bent down to hug Kel and Kel hugged her back.

Kel felt a small jolt in her abdomen and the surprised look on her face told Alanna that something had just happened. Having 'been there and done that' a couple of times, Alanna just smiled knowingly.

"Is this the first time you've felt the babes fluttering around?" Alanna asked.

Kel nodded and put her hands on her belly again, "Yes, I ... they're really ... there, aren't they?" "My happy little tadpoles!"

"Ha! Ha! Kel, you don't know how lucky you are to be so tall!" Alanna laughed. Then she pulled Kel up out of her chair and tugged at the hem of Kel's tunic to inspect her belly. "When I was carrying my twins, they popped my belly right out. It was embarrassingly obvious that I was pregnant from the very earliest stage."

"How do you think the Council will react to this bit of news?" Kel asked worriedly. "I don't know how much more my reputation can take." "They might just fire me next."

"Bah! Don't tell them - it's none of their business anyway." Alanna scoffed. "They've already found your replacement, so just make yourself comfortable at Stone Mountain and don't worry about it. People flapped their lips when I was sleeping with Jon a hundred years ago, but neither of us has died of shame. When word of your pregnancy gets out - and it won't come from my lips - hold your head up high and ignore the comments." Then Alanna said something quite unladylike about what nosy busybodies could do to themselves and laughed.

"I need to take you to see the General now, Kel," Alanna straightened her own tunic and looked at Kel. "Are you ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," Kel nodded. "Alanna, thank you. I don't know what I would have done if I had been forced to see the General first. You saved me today and I'll never forget this." Kel had tears in her eyes again, but they were not sad tears.

"Kel, you're very special to me," Alanna grasped Kel's shoulders and looked up at her. "You're my 'other daughter' and I'll do whatever I can to help you in the days to come. Just let me know what you need and I'll be there for you."

Kel smiled gratefully at Alanna and said, "One last thing before we go ... how did you manage everything with your twins?" "I'm not ready! I don't know what to do!"

"I have only two words for you to consider seriously." Alanna's purple eyes sparkled with humor.

"Alright." Kel wondered about Alanna's suddenly wicked grin. "More sleep? Less worry? Double cradles? What?"

"Wet Nurse."

Then the two lady knights of Tortall both laughed and walked out of the room.

A/N: So ... I hope you enjoyed that chappie full of more explanations and character development. BTW, I'm not sure I want to write a detailed chapter about Neal and Raoul and Joren and George chatting and all that. Sorry! My thoughts are that no one was killed or beat up and, although they're still not friends, the guys are no longer enemies. I look forward to your reviews. Thanks! :D