A.N. : Ok this is the last chapter before the climax. Next chapter will be a bomb. This one is a kind of filler. But I Hope you'll like it. It's a bit of an intrusion into Bella's deepest thoughts. Hope you like it :)

Disclaimer: Do I really have to say it? =[ *sigh* fine. I do not own the Twilight saga…or Jasper…or Carlisle; fine I said it!

Chapter 18 : Thoughts and Desires

Bella's POV

Jacob, Edward and Alice were great. Rosalie was awesome. Emmett was constantly trying to lift up my mood. Esme and Carlisle were treating me as one of their own. But nothing and nobody could erase my nightmares and my memories. Nothing and nobody could mend my heart. My heartbreak was unbearable. Jasper was lucky he was not around me; otherwise he would have felt this all and it would have broken him; feeling all of this pain piled upon his own pain which I had brought about selfishly by not being clear enough.

Everybody blamed Jasper for not giving me a chance. But I should have been clearer; I should have stopped him from talking and just told him everything right from the start. But instead I had kept my mouth clamped tightly shut and I had felt myself sinking into a deep hole of sadness and despair as the gaping hole in my chest , which Edward had dug up when he had left me, came back with a thousand times its original force. I had looked at him with pleading eyes and a shamed face. All I was giving off were messages of infidelity. No wonder he had mistrusted me. No wonder he had been hurt. I had broken him. I had been a selfish bitch and I deserved all of this pain.

Had I not been pregnant with Jasper's child and my own, I would have already killed myself. I felt like I didn't deserve to live after all the pain I had put him through. I could feel the desire to kill myself choking me. It was a pain that rushed through my chest like adrenaline. It hit me like thunder and almost felt like fear. It was pure agony. Every time I had the urge to kill myself, I could feel the colour being drained from my face, I could feel myself shaking; I could feel the pain of it all – the pain of the awareness that I feel like a piece of garbage; a piece of garbage that did not deserve to live. I felt that the sole reason of my existence was to give birth to his child; to give him life. I had recently found out that I was having a baby boy and I was ecstatic; well, as ecstatic as I could get in this state. Carlisle realized it was a boy and he was overjoyed. Esme and himself are looking forward to becoming grandparents. Rosalie was a bit distant at first and I didn't blame her; this was after all her dream not mine and I was living it for her. Eventually, she came around and started to spend countless hours with me. She even planned shopping trips to get baby items and I decided to let her pick most of the things. I loved seeing her smile. Nothing could bring me joy except for Jasper and the image of his child so I decided I couldn't deny her the joy of picking stuff for the baby. I hoped the baby would look a lot like him. I wanted him to remind me of Jasper. I knew it would hurt me to even look into the child's face, but it was worth it. I was broken already so I might as well end up being even more; it couldn't really get any worse now, could it?

Every night I had the same horrible dream. Every night I dreamt of a memory; the day that Jasper left and the night that followed. Even the dream of me being changed kept repeating itself, and every time I woke up to realize I was still human and alone and I would start to cry. Edward and Alice often lay down next to me, holding me in my sleep. But nothing could keep the horrible nightmares away. Jacob had made me another dream catcher but it was to no avail. I appreciated it of course, but it wouldn't work.

Every day, Jake spent a few hours with me. He never skipped meeting me once. He was being awesome and I wished I could repay him for all of this but I knew that I couldn't; I wasn't able to, because there was nothing I could do to make him happy. The only thing that would be good enough was to have me happy again but that was not going to happen any time soon. I knew it broke Jake's heart to see me like this; always talking about killing myself had there not been the baby, and always talking about what a piece of garbage I am and always will be, always talking about how worthless I have become. But I couldn't help it; I honestly believed those things.

His hugs warmed me up and made me feel welcome, but the moment he left my side I would start feeling alone again. I couldn't tell him this because if I did then he would abandon everything else just so that he could be with me and I couldn't possibly be that selfish; he had other duties to carry out and important people to protect. I was just the piece of trash that was his best friend; I was not important, even though he seemed to think I was. Edward and Alice also spent most of the day with me. They had both dropped out of their college course so that they could be with me. I had felt so ashamed and selfish when they told me but they insisted that they were only repeating stuff and that they had forever to repeat it all again. Esme often cooked me my favourite foods and tended to my unbearable cravings. I often craved chocolate and especially chocolate pancakes.

I wanted this to be over and done with. I only had three months of pregnancy left. I showed well now. My tummy was bloated enough to tell that I was officially six months pregnant but the rest of my body had remained fairly thin. Esme had said that this was a tell-tale sign that I would be having a baby boy and she was right; Carlisle had proved it on the previous week's ultrasound. I had still never called Charlie to tell him. I had cut all contact with my family; I felt it was for the best since I knew I would probably kill myself not long after making sure the baby was ok and with the Cullens to protect him.

My mind was going crazy. Every month, I wrote letters to Jasper telling him of the baby's progress; letters I would never send. I would write more than just one page; they would be seven pages long – I often told him how much I loved him and that things would have been clearer if he had given me a chance to explain. I also attached ultrasound pictures to the papers so that he would be able to see them. But I didn't know where he was so I couldn't send the letters. And even if I had known, I wouldn't have had enough courage to really send them – I would have held back and kept them locked up inside a drawer. I wanted to talk to him so desperately ; I wanted to tell him that I loved him more than I had ever loved him before and that I couldn't possibly live without him; that only our child was holding me back. I wanted to tell him everything; to pour my heart out to him, but I knew I couldn't and it would have to do for now.

The time to write another letter had come, so I sat down at my desk and got out my favourite pen; the pen I always used to write him letters.

And I started: Dear Jasper,

Jasper's POV

I feel like a man without a purpose; a child without a smile; a body without a soul. I feel like my heart has been ripped out from its position in my chest. I feel like I have left most of me back with Bella. I feel like only parts and pieces of me are left scattering about. I am a nothing and I always will be. I want to die so desperately but I can't. I can't die before I make sure that she's happy; I am however not ready to see her again yet; seeing her would bring back all of those horrible feelings of betrayal and infidelity. Seeing her would break my little broken heart all over again into tinier pieces if that is even possible. Seeing her would officially shatter what is left of my soul. I would risk it for her; but not just now. I love her too much to disturb her and probably cause her to lose her child. I love her too much to break her up with Jacob. I need to give her time so that she can settle down before I check on her again. Perhaps I won't even talk to her; I'll just view from the outside and run back here again; back to the middle of nowhere; back to my hometown in Houston.

I have settled down here now ; but I only hunt animals. I travel alone. I don't care if they find me any longer. Alice has probably seen me now. But I don't care. Bella is surely over me by now; they won't need me, and they probably won't even want me back. I clutch her necklace close to me and I kiss it. Invisible tears roll down my cheeks, but I can't feel them, smell them or taste them because they are not really there. It's all in my head. I can't cry but my mind is weeping. My head is screaming inside. I am in a rage. All I want is to kill everything and everyone that gets in my way, but I have to keep my cool and control myself. Living on the blood of animals has never been so easy; I couldn't care less about my nutrition now that I have so much on my mind.

I truly hope that she's ok. Every night before I lay down in my bed and pretend to sleep, I think of her and then I close my eyes and pretend to dream of her beauty. But it's all a charade; I can't sleep and I can't dream. But I want to; I want to see her with me again – pure and innocent and beautiful as always. She's pregnant with his child and probably glowing right now; even more beautiful than before. I'm sure Jacob is capable of keeping her happy. But why did he have to do that to me? Why did she have to do that to me…to us? We were great together; everything was perfect…what did he have that was better than me? Was it his tanned skin? Was it his ability to eat human food? Was it his more human nature and his normal needs like sleeping and eating and using the bathroom? Was it his hatred of blood? Was it the fact that they were so much more alike?

Well, whatever it was, he has won her heart from me fair and square. Perhaps I never deserved her after all. Perhaps all I deserved was to be cold and hard and alone. Perhaps all I deserved was to be stuck in the corner of this room, where there is no sunlight and no rain; where there are no emotions but my heartbreak and despair, my sadness and my loneliness, my hatred towards myself. I wish I could starve myself to death or bleed myself to death. I wish I could strangle myself or jump off a twelve-storey building and crash to the ground. I wish I could drown myself. But there is only one way to die, and I'm not going to them. Besides, I have to check on her first; I couldn't possibly die without knowing she was truly fine and well. I couldn't do that to her; I love her too much.

The time has come for me to close my eyes and pretend to sleep and dream of her again. So here goes…

Oh Bella…

Bella's POV

When I woke up my letter was gone from my desk, and a note was there to replace it.

Bella, trust me. Edward xx

Mmm..I don't get it.

Edward's POV

He gave it up and Alice finally saw him, in his room, pretending to be asleep. She saw his location, his whereabouts. And I couldn't wait one more second.

Now I run at vampire speed towards my destination; Houston, Texas.

Jasper's POV

I felt a breeze. I could have sworn that a familiar scent hit my nose; Edward. But when I opened my eyes from my pretend-sleep, there was nothing and nobody, just an envelope with a familiar handwriting and a familiar scent.

Bella…

A.N: Ok, so next chapter is going to be exciting. I hope you liked this one. It was not a very long chapter, but it was a pretty important filler. It kind of gave further details of how Jasper and Bella were feeling.

Hope you liked the short part with Edward's POV.

Read and Review xxx

Peace out peeps.