So like, my brother Gafinilan is currently refusing to come out of the closet. Seriously, that thing's like a freakin' TARDIS, only it's the size of Saudi Arabia on the inside and he's camped out in a Sadaam Hussein spider hole. But the main issue is that I heard he's on Earth, with some dude by the name of Yertle the Turtle, without anyone to talk to about how much he wants to do Yertle. So I thought I'd, y'know, go have a little talk with the guy, see what's up with him, if he needs to talk about anything.

Or if he needs a hoofjob. I know a shit-ton of hookers, both blue and purple. If Gaff-Gaff's gonna be gay I say let him. I'm not gonna deny I did some experimentation back in my day. We're all about science, y'know? And science requires the scientific method. And that requires getting your hoof sucked off every know and then.

Besides, I'm starting a porn company, and Gaff-Gaff is just the kind of guy old lonely purples want to see in orgasmic ecstasy. I mean, don't get me wrong, being able to have a stage name like Ron-Estrif-Jeremy is some of the most fun I've had in my life! But I need a little blue-on-blue action to satisfy the customers (or get the feminists off my back, am I right guys?).

So I go to Gaff-Gaff's house. It's hard being an Andalite in that neighborhood. Everyone gives you weird-ass looks and asks you what you are. But, there's a special trick I know to get anyone, and I mean anyone, to go away when you're psychic: think about 2 girls 1 cup. It's like a magic bullet with most guys.

I pound on his door, I adjust my Hawaiian shirt (damn right I wear clothes, that way people can distinguish a professional such as myself from other run-of-the-mill wannabes) and out comes Gaff-Gaff.

"What do you want, Zik?" he grumbles.

"Sup, Gaff-Gaff!" I say. Then I headbutt him in the chest. He apparently forgot that headbutts are our secret handshake, so he recoils and tries to slam the door in my face. I shove my tail in and I open it. I go into the house, and it's pretty spacious. I like it. I could go for a looooong scene with Jenna in this place. Plenty of echo room for her to scream.

"Dude! Why you gotta be like that? You're my shorm, bro!"

"Shorm? That's funny," said Gaff-Gaff. "I distinctly remember trying to kill you with my tail several times."

"But you didn't! And that's why you're my-"

"I missed."

I laughed and gave him a friendly smack on the ass with my upper right hand. He tried to whip his tail in my face but he missed again. He's such a dork. So I said, "So, where's Yertle the Turtle?"

"You mean Mertil?"

"Right! Shit, man, I can never get that right. Where is Yertle, anyway?" Fuck it, I liked that Dr. Seuss book. It's all about how you shouldn't go mad with power and/or stack turtles.

"He's out at the moment."

"Oh. So, when you going to Massachusetts and getting married?"

There was an awkward silence, then Gaff-Gaff got all blushy and shit and said: "What?"

"You know what I mean bro. You gotta get out of Narnia sometime."

"What's Narnia?"

"Some snowy place ruled by a witch with huge tits. Anyway, how would you and Yertle like to be in a porn film I'm doing for a side project? You can morph into anything you like."

"Mertil can't morph."

"Sucks to be him. But you can still turn into something sexy, if I'm not mistaken. And you're gonna need to morph for that, 'cause I'll be honest, you've gained a little bit of weight, and—"

The next few things I remember after that involve me getting slashed in the face a few times and now I'm in the hospital back on my home planet. The nurse is sexy as fuck. I think she's turning into a Yeerk but I've gone a long while without some nookie, so oh well.