Author: Jess Pallas
Authors Note: This is a random stream of consciousness fic attack that struck when I saw the prompt/quote "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it." – Oscar Wilde in the rtchallenge and thought of another angle it could be approached from. I hope it makes sense but I can't make any promises!
Try by Jess PallasI don't know if I can do this.
The temptation will always be there and it's strong, so strong, stronger almost than I can endure. Too old, too poor, too dangerous – so many times I recited that mantra and so many times she retorted with one of her own, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care. Can one ever truly outweigh the other, can fear every truly retreat from a heart too battered by life to face one more despair? She loves me, I know that, and I love her, I know that too. But can that be enough? Will that be enough? Will temptation claim me once more?
I don't know if I can do this.
So much pain. The war is still in its infancy and many more will die, fallen bodies beneath a terrible wash of green light and high-pitched laughter. I have seen this all before, seen determined James and vibrant Lily torn from their son and their lives, seen Sirius ripped from his youth and Peter drown out his soul. I have seen a young man with his mother's eyes and his father's face forced to grow up far too young by the bitter words of a random act of prophecy.
Can I face this again? Can I face watching what it will do to her?
I don't know if I can do this.
They must have been tempted too. James and Lily, Sirius, Peter, Harry. At some point, surely, each and every one of them must have wanted to cast everything aside and flee for their sanity and their lives. They must have wanted to stop fighting, to never face their troubles, to leave it all behind because life would be so much easier that way.
They didn't though.
I did.
James fought for Lily despite her disdain. Sirius fought to save his godson. Even Peter, foolish Peter, fought to save his Master when all hope was swept aside. And Harry, poor Harry, the Boy-Who-Had-Faced-Too-Much but never once had he tried to abandon his responsibilities and leave all he loved behind.
I yielded to my temptations. I yielded to my fears. I ran away.
I am a werewolf. I am a coward. The temptation to hate myself was just too strong for me to bear. Why should she feel any different?
I told myself I was protecting her, too old, too poor, too dangerous. I told myself that whatever she said, deep down she had to care about all the things she seemed determined to so loosely fling aside. I did not fight to save our love. I hurled it aside because it was easier that way. It was easier to doubt than to believe.
I was selfish. I still am.
I don't know if I can do this.
They say the only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Well I yielded to mine, gave myself over to the temptations of fear and self-loathing, old friends/enemies that have travelled by my side all my life. She had helped me to fight them away until that time. I allowed them back.
They are still here. Once you yield, temptation never lets you go.
But I think I can hold them back.
Dumbledore is dead. The world is so very wrong without him.
But with Tonks, it seems so very right.
And when I let myself look deep into her eyes, all temptation to doubt disappears.
The fear will always be with me. My doubts will never quite be gone. I know myself too well to expect otherwise. But I intend to fight them. I want this. I want her.
I don't know if I can do this, if I can let myself just be in love, in spite of the risks of the war and the frailty of my mind. I really don't know.
But that doesn't mean I don't intend to try.