I want to send a huge THANK YOU to everyone who reviewed. I was overwhelmed by all the positive feedback. You guys are awesome! So, I only missed my planned deadline by a day which hopefully means you won't tar and feather me for being late. ;) This was actually much harder to write than I thought it would be. There is so much to be said and I didn't want them to become overdramatic during it. I hope you like it because I'm actually pretty proud of how it turned out. And now without further ado I'll let you get to the story.
CHAPTER SIX
"I think we should talk" Arizona's words reverberate throughout the apartment as she waits for Callie to respond or for that matter even move. Ever since the brunette had suddenly turned off the television she had gone as still as a statue and Arizona's statement had not seemed to have helped with that.
Callie slowly unclenches the fist she has made and tries to blink away the tears that gathered in her eyes. I will not cry she repeats in her head. Not at something as stupid as a Friends episode. Taking in a deep breath she feels Arizona watching her. Callie is surprised to find that 'I think we should talk' are still the five most dreaded words, even after you've broken up with someone. Exhaling slowly she finally looks over at Arizona.
"I don't think that's a good idea." she says with tension in her voice.
Letting out a sigh Arizona takes a calculated risk, "I missed you," she simply says. Leaning forward ever so slightly, her emotions are evident in her voice as she continues. "Every day, every hour, I missed you."
Callie looks down unable to bear the vulnerability in her eyes. "Arizona…" she tries to interject in a desperate attempt to avoid this conversation.
"I know you weren't expecting to see me last night… or for the next few years." She says in a sad after thought. "But I truly, deeply, missed you and you need to know that."
Briefly shaking her head Callie plays with a loose string on her sweatpants. "Arizona, I…" But no words come to her. This was all too much. Hearing Arizona say she missed her while their breakup is fresh in her head makes it impossible for Callie to respond. As amazing as it is to hear Arizona say she missed her it wasn't enough. It wasn't nearly enough to undo everything and it would take more than a few words to fix this, if it even could be fixed. "That doesn't change anything." Callie finally states without taking her eyes off the couch.
"Calliope" Arizona says softly with remorse in her voice.
"Don't." Callie harshly responds. Her head quickly snaps up and she meets Arizona's gaze with fury in her eyes. "Don't call me that." It used to melt her heart when Arizona called her by her full name but now it only infuriated her. "You lost that right."
Pain flashes across the blonde's face and she drops her eyes. "I'm sorry."
"Stop. Please just stop." Callie demands in desperation. "I can't do this with you. We are not discussing this because it won't change anything." She attempts to move from the couch by Arizona is quicker and grabs Callie's arm to prevent her from running away.
"I'm sorry I hurt you. I shouldn't have left you." Arizona says somberly with pleading eyes.
Callie's armor cracks momentarily but she quickly shakes Arizona's hand off her arm. "But you did." She coolly replies. Although it comes out in a controlled tone of voice, Arizona sees the anger in Callie's eyes.
"I'm sorry." She tries again.
"Don't!" Callie shouts. Closing her eyes she takes a breath to control her temper before she speaks again. "I don't want your apologizes."
"Alright," Arizona says calmly. "What do you want from me?"
Callie pauses as a thousand thoughts race through her mind but her defenses are already in place so all that comes out in reply is, "Nothing." Shrugging her shoulders in defeat she slumps back into the couch.
"Callie" Arizona draws out in a knowing tone.
"What do you want me say, Arizona." The brunette snaps.
"Something, anything." She exclaims. "Tell me what you're thinking."
Seeing that Arizona wasn't going to let this drop Callie gives in. "Fine! Here's the truth." She says while she sits up and looks Arizona squarely in the eye. "You left me."
"I know." Arizona replies gravely but still encouraging Callie to continue.
"Do you?" The brunette questions as her eyes narrow. "Do you really? Because I don't think you do." Clenching her hand in a tight fist Callie hopes she can get through this without crying. "George left me for Izzie and that really hurt me. But it was more my pride that was wounded and deep down I knew we weren't meant to be. Then I met Erica and she helped me find a whole new side to myself. But when we couldn't agree on ethics she left me. She left me in a parking lot without even looking back." Callie's voice has a slight tremor but she sucks in a deep breath and presses on determined to get this out. "That nearly broke me but looking back it was more about losing the person who I could share this new side of my life with."
She stops talking a moment as she braces herself for the pain she's about feel. Callie hadn't recapped the events of their breakup to anyone, not even Mark. It hurt too much to think about let alone say out loud. Arizona sits there attentively listening but at Callie's pause she opens her mouth to speak only to be silenced by a shake of Callie's head. Sitting up straighter Callie fixes Arizona with a hard stare. "But you…" her voice breaks instantly as the tears form in her eyes. Angrily blinking them away Callie forces herself to continue. "You show up and help me put myself back together. You make me fall so in love with you that I was willing to give up my family and my dreams just to be with you." Her tears subside as all the pain she is feeling quickly morphs into anger. "And then you win that stupid grant. You left me for grant money!" she shouts accusingly.
Her voice echoes through the apartment as she closes her eyes and takes another breath to calm down. Speaking again her voice is hollow and empty. "You broke me. I begged you Arizona." A stray tear slides down her cheek but she makes no move wipe it away. Her mind is already replaying the airport scene, 'Please, please. I can… we can do this. We can figure this out' she had begged in desperation but it hadn't made a different. Snapping back to reality Callie feels another tear slide down her face as she continues, "I pleaded with you and it didn't matter. You still pushed me aside like I was nothing."
"You weren't nothing." Arizona interjects unable to remain quite. "You are never nothing."
"I begged you." Callie says again with fresh tears in her eyes. Her voice wavers as she forces out the next sentence. "I never begged George or Erica but I begged you."
"I'm sorry." Arizona says with tears in her eyes. Her heart is in her throat as she brokenly gets out, "God, I am so sorry."
"You left me." Callie says not even acknowledging that Arizona spoke. "You knew about my history with George and Erica and you still left me. And it wasn't because you fell in love with someone else or that our morals didn't line up. You left me because a job meant more to you then I did." Callie looks away from the blonde knowing that she'll never be able to admit this while looking at her. "George wounded my pride and Erica was a sucker punch to the gut, but you…" Her voice changes to broken whisper as she fights back the tears. "You broke my heart."
"Callie…" Arizona trails off not knowing what to say. She had known that her leaving hurt Callie but never in all their time together had she heard the brunette sound so broken. What do I do? What do I say? Arizona thinks to herself. Watching Callie fall to pieces in front of her and knowing that she was the cause for it was pure torture for Arizona. She wished that she knew the right words to say but none were coming to her. Struggling to form a response she is surprised when Callie stands up and starts to leave the living room. "Where are you going?" she asks.
Callie stops walking but she does not turn around. "I'm done. You got what you wanted. I talked about it and now I'm done." She says in as firm a voice as she can muster. I just want to curl into bed and let myself cry, she finishes in her head as she takes another step towards the bedroom.
"Wait, please" Arizona frantically exclaims as she jumps up from the couch knowing that this would likely be the only chance she'd get to clear the air."I panicked alright. I called it wrong."
Callie pauses mid stride, "This is different then turning me down for date," she unsympathetically responds remembering their conversation in the elevator when Arizona asked her out. "I'm done," she coldly tells Arizona again as she takes another step towards the bedroom.
Panicking at the sight of Callie leaving Arizona throws caution to the wind and says the first thing that comes to mind. "I cried myself to sleep nearly every night." Callie again stops walking but still refuses to turn around. However, that's enough encouragement for Arizona to continue. "I put a fake smile on my face during the day but at night there was nothing to distract me from the pain." Taking a few tentative steps towards Callie she continues. "The only thought that calmed me down was when I imagined hopping on a plane and flying back to you."
"Why didn't you?" Callie edgily asks without turning around.
Arizona lets out a regretful sigh before answering. "Because I made a commitment to the grant committee and I was taught to keep my commitments."
A humorless laugh leaves Callie as she marches towards her bedroom door with every intention of slamming it shut behind her except that Arizona suddenly appears between her and the door. Callie stops short as to not crash into the blonde. "Move," she says in irritation.
"Callie, please hear me out. I felt like I couldn't back out on the grant but as soon as the plane landed I wanted to. I wanted to come back and be with you but please understand that I thought I was doing the right thing." Arizona hurriedly explains to her.
"How does dumping me equate to you doing the right thing?" Callie venomously asks.
"You didn't want to go and I didn't want you to be miserable."
"That's not good enough." Callie says as she attempts to gets past Arizona.
"I was scared." Callie stops moving at those words and quizzically looks at the blonde. "I was afraid that we would fight the whole time we were there. I was scared that you would resent me for dragging you away from your life. I was worried that we would eventually start to hate each other and so I thought that you staying was for the best… but it wasn't." Arizona's eyes plead with Callie to understand as she continues. "I left you," she says matter-of-factly. "I shouldn't have but I did. And I can't take it back but believe me I wish I could."
"Arizona…" Callie says trying to silence her as she takes a step back putting distance between.
"No, you were right." The blonde continues in an unrelenting fashion. "I left you but trust me; I broke my own heart at the same time." Arizona soberly admits.
"It's not enough." Callie tells her unwaveringly. "I trusted you. I begged you and you left me."
"I came back for you." Arizona responds immediately.
"You came back because of budget issues." Callie fires back.
Arizona cringes at those words. I knew telling her that was going to come back and bite me in the ass, she thinks. "No, that's not true." She defends. "I used that as an excuse to come back but you're the reason I'm here." Taking a step towards the Latina she intensely says, "I came back for you."
Another piece of Callie's defenses crumble but she still can't believe the blonde. After all this time and everything that had happened it was still just words. Callie shakes her head disbelievingly and looks at the floor. "I wish I could believe that but the facts say otherwise. The money's gone and suddenly here you are."
Arizona's face falls at Callie's disbelief but she can't blame her for thinking like that. How can I make her believe me, she wonders. "I already have my job back at Seattle Grace Mercy West." Arizona abruptly says causing Callie to look back up at her. Arizona nods her head slightly as she continues. "It's been in place for weeks. I called Webber about a month ago and asked if he could hold it for me because I was coming back."
Surprise is evident on Callie's face as she softly breaths out, "When?"
"When what?" Arizona asks in confusion.
"When were you coming back?" Callie clarifies in a stronger voice now that the surprise was wearing off.
"April." She says with a hint of smile. "I was going to be back by the end of April."
"How?" Callie questions still trying process this new information.
"I spoke with the grant committee and told them that I could train the local staff. The chief doctor out there is more than capable of running the clinic on his own." Taking another small step towards Callie she continues. "I just needed a few months to train the staff and slowly hand over the responsibilities." With only a few feet of space between them Arizona searches Callie's face trying to determine what the brunette is thinking.
Standing there absorbing all this information took a moment. She had plans in place to come back, Callie wonders. "You had this in place before the grant money dried up?" she asks in confusion.
Smiling Arizona happily answers, "Yes. I didn't find out about the money issues until weeks after I spoke to Webber."
Callie briefly nods her head but remains quiet with her eyebrows furrowed in contemplation. Lost in thought she attempts to process everything Arizona was telling her. She was coming back before the money run out. What was her reason for leaving? What did she tell the grant committee? She couldn't just back out on the grant so there has to be reason. Finally breaking out of her thoughts Callie sees Arizona waiting for her to say something. "Why?" she asks.
"Why what?" Arizona responds in bewilderment.
"Why were you coming back?" Callie holds up a hand to stop Arizona's immediate answer. "I mean the reason you gave the grant committee. I doubt they just let you leave because you were heartbroken," she challenges.
Arizona's shoulders drops as she feels all the progress she has made slipping away. Discouragedly she quietly answers, "I told them that I was unable to safely perform surgeries in an environment where gun fire could break out. After the attack on the village, when I froze up again, I knew that couldn't stay there and do the kind of work that was being asked of me."
Callie's face falls at the answer she was expecting. I knew it couldn't be because of me, she sadly thinks. "So you came back because you were afraid." Callie says disappointedly. Quickly realizing how callous that sounded she hurriedly says, "Not that it isn't a good reason. You shouldn't be somewhere where you fear for your safety."
"I had to tell them something." Arizona says trying to salvage the conversation. "I needed to give them a reason to let me come back."
"I know." Callie acknowledges sadly as she looks at Arizona. "But I also know that it's what actually got you to book a plane home." Silence falls between them because they both know it's the truth. Knowing that Arizona couldn't deny that fact Callie slowly steps around her and heads toward the bedroom. She is no longer angry, just exhausted and sad.
"I needed a reason." Arizona says again as she turns around. She knew this was tipping a point for them. If she couldn't convince Callie that she truly came back for her then Arizona doubted if their relationship could be fixed. And she needed it to be fixed, she needed Callie in her life.
Glancing back over her shoulder Callie defeatedly says, "I know you did."
It's the calm understanding of Callie's voice that breaks Arizona. She was giving up on them and that filled Arizona with fear. She could handle screaming, yelling, crying or anything else Callie threw at her but not apathy. "I had to have a reason. Me." She firmly says while pointing to herself. "I needed a reason because it's me. Because I have this overdeveloped sense of duty built into me that I couldn't walk away without justifying it to the committee."
Emotionally exhausted Callie just nods her head understandingly hoping to finish this conversation and curl up under her covers away from the world. "I know Arizona. It's ok. You don't need to explain it to me, I get it."
"No, you don't get it!" Arizona exclaims with her voice rising. Her chest fills with dread at Callie's defeated words. She could see the brunette slipping away and it terrified her. "I needed a reason alright. I needed to be able to justify leaving and that's what I used. I can't be sorry that the attack happened. It's what brought me home." Arizona searches Callie's face for any kind of a reaction but she just stands there with the same resigned expression.
Grasping at straws Arizona hastily tries to make Callie understand. She needed her to understand because their relationship hung in the balance. "Did you ever think that the shooting and the money running out was fate?" At that Callie at least rolls her eyes and crosses her arms over her chest. "I know how that must sound," Arizona follows encouraged by Callie's response. "But I was looking for a reason to come back Callie. I couldn't just walk away without one and if those things hadn't happened I would have found another." Stepping closer she can see the calm mask on Callie breaking. "Maybe it would have been after I caught something and got sick. Or if that didn't have a happen I would have come up with something else. Sun poisoning maybe? I'm not really sure what I would have used." She says while closing the remaining distance between them until they were face to face. Softening her voice when Callie doesn't move away she fervently declares. "All I know for sure is that I wanted to come back to you the moment I stepped off that plane."
Hearing the honesty and love in Arizona's voice gives Callie pause. She looks at the blonde woman standing before her and isn't surprised to discover that against all her efforts Arizona still made it past her defenses. Searching her face Callie knows she's telling the truth. Arizona would need a reason to leave Africa but it was obvious that she came back for her. Feeling overwhelmed at this realization Callie can only process a single thought, 'she really did come back for me'.
Arizona holds her breath as she watches Callie, waiting for some kind of response. She didn't know what else she could say to convince the brunette that she came home for her. As the seconds drag on Arizona feels all hope start to slip away until Callie's expression finally changes to one of hopeful bewilderment. Letting out a breath of relief Arizona quickly speaks not wanting to waste another moment. "I know I messed up. I know I hurt you. And I don't expect you to forgive me right away but, I came back for you." Unable to stand the few inches of space between Arizona reaches down and clasps Callie's hand in hers. "I want to be with you. No, I need to be with you." She corrects as she pours her heart out. "So I'm going to fight for us. I'm going to fight for you, for as long as it takes."
This ended in a totally different place then I had planned but I think it still turned out well. I have more for them to discuss, mainly the Mark issue, but I didn't want to keep you waiting for an update. I'll do my best to post in another week but with Christmas fast approaching and the financial year ending at work my spare time is getting smaller. Fear not, because I am determined to finish this story with a happy ending! And speaking of happy endings, you would make this writer very happy by pressing the review button after reading this sentence. :)