Chapter 32

(Shan- Prologue)

['Now nothing seemed to matter. My closest friend had been killed. My world had been torn apart. I didn't care whether I lived or died.']

(Catarina's POV)

On our way out of the tunnels we run into someone. Vancha sets me down on my feet and places me behind him safely, preparing to fight. "Peace, Vancha," the person says. "I am here to help, not harm."

"Evanna?" he asks.

"What are you doing here?" Harkat questions suspiciously. I must admit, I am no fan of Evanna either. I do not trust her and for good reason.

"I came to bid Larten's spirit farewell."

"You don't look too cut up about it," Shan comments.

"I foresaw his death many decades ago. I did my crying for him then."

"If you knew he was going to die why didn't you prevent it?" Vancha is angry.

"It was not my place to. I was fond of Larten. I had hoped I was wrong but his fate wasn't for me to decide."

"Then whose was it?" he retorts.

"His own."

Fresh tears are falling down Vancha's face. I link my arm with his. "My apologies Lady. I don't blame you. I'm just so upset."

"I know," she nods. "You all must come with me. I have things to tell you."

I let go of Vanch and she throws a deer hide over him to protect him from the sun. We go to the forest where she has berries and water for us. "You have to eat Cat," Shan tells me but I just shake my head. "Drink some water at least." I shake my head again, just sitting there silently, staring into space like a zombie. He sighs. He has been numb through this, not crying yet.

"You still have one more chance but it won't come in the near future," Evanna informs us. "This may not help you but Larten's soul has flow to paradise. He died nobly and earned the reward of the righteous. He is at rest."

Tears fall down my face again and I lean on Vancha for support and comfort. He wraps an arm around me and holds me close.

"I'd rather he was here," Shan replies miserably.

"Are the vampaneze still in my city?" the police chief inquires.

"All have fled," Evanna answers.

"Is it over now?" Debbie questions.

"Your future is what you choose for yourselves."

"Where do you suggest I go?" Vancha asks.

"Vampire Mountain."

He nods. "I'll call a temporary end to the fighting and set everyone searching for Steve Leopard. I'll flit there as soon as night falls. Are you three coming?"

"No, I've had all I can take of this," Shan tells him. "I know I'm a Prince and have duties to attend to but I feel like my head's about to explode. Mr. Crepsley meant more to me than anything else. I need to get away from it all."

"It's a dangerous time to cut yourself off from those who care for you."

"I can't help that."

"I don't approve. A Prince should put the needs of his people before his own but I understand. Nobody will trouble you. Harkat?"

"I'm going with him of course."

"Catarina, you too?"

"Don't," Shan shakes his head.

I sigh. "I'm sorry. I have been told to follow my heart so I shall. My head says Vampire Mountain but my heart will always lie with my friends. I am in pain Vancha. I have suffered so much loss. I cannot take anymore. I would be of no help at Vampire Mountain while I am mourning. Please understand."

"I do," he nods. "Where will you go?"

"The Cirque du freak," Shan decides. "It's the only place outside of vampire mountain that I can call home."

"A good choice," Evanna smiles, knowing it is where he would choose already.

Vancha hugs us each separately. My hug lasts the longest and is so tight I can barely even breathe but I do not mind. I have grown rather attached to him and I know he has grown very fond of me too. "Be brave," he tells us as a group then he turns to Shan. "Don't do anything stupid Darren and please take care of Catarina for me." Shan nods then Vancha flits away.

Debbie is crying and she wants Shan to stay but he tells her he can't. I glare at her until she and the police chief leave. "Do you know where the cirque du freak is playing?" Evanna asks.

"No," Shan answers.

"Lucky for you I'm going there."

I walk holding Harkat's hand the whole way. When we arrive Mr. Tall already knows what is going on. He greets us welcoming then asks me if I want my own tent. I shake my head. "Very well," he claps his hands and shows us to our tent. There are three hammocks. Then he walks away with Evanna. Harkat, Shan, and I climb into our own hammocks and sleep, exhausted emotionally and physically.

I wake up in the middle of the night after a bad dream. I fell out of my hammock and landed on the floor then I just cried.

(Shan's POV)

I woke up to Catarina's scream. She must have had a nightmare. I hear a thump and crying. It's dark and I stumble over to her. She has fallen out of her hammock and is on the floor. She's laying face down and crying. "Catarina..." I kneel down.

"Go away," she mumbles.

"Cat...come here," I pull her into my arms and I hold her, comforting her the best I can. She doesn't protest. Eventually she falls asleep and so do I.

(Catarina)

When I wake up I am on the floor of our tent cuddled up near Shan who is still asleep. I stand up and go freshen up, washing the grime off of me. I tie my medium length hair back with my red ribbon then pull on the shoes I made. I sit down at the table for breakfast and poke at the food, taking a few bites. "You look so sad," Truska tells me.

"I am."

"Cause Larten?"

"That is a big part of it."

"More?"

I sigh, frowning down at the plate in front of me. "My mate doesn't want me anymore. He's...stupid. There's someone else. I'm very upset with him."

"Darren?"

I nod.

She sits down beside me. "He will see his mistake soon. Give time."

"I hurt so badly Truska, right here," I point at my heart.

She hugs me. "It will be okay. You here now with us. We take care of you."

I nod. "Thank you."

It does cheer me up when I see Shancus. "Catarina!" he runs to me and I hug him tightly, smiling and picking him up.

"Shancus! I'm so happy to see you!"

"Where's Darren?"

"He's still sleeping. What have you been up to this whole time?"

"Lots of things," he laughs.

"You'll have to tell me all about them," I say.

He does and when he's done Shan walks over with Evra and Merla.

(Shan's POV)

It's so good to see Cat smiling again. She really loves Shancus. I feel bad though because I know part of the reason she is hurting so much, is me. When I walk over her smile fades and she looks very sad again. I know I'm stupid and I'm so sorry but I know it's too late. There's nothing I can do now.

(Catarina's POV)

I talk to Merla and Evra by myself once. Evra tells me he's sorry about Mr. Crepsley. He also says I am welcome here anytime. "Shancus adores you," he grins.

"I adore him," I respond affectionately.

"Darren told me about your break up."

"Oh..."

"You're a really incredible girl Catarina. You should hear the way he talks about you. It's like he doesn't think he even deserves such an amazing mate."

I shrug.

"He says he's sorry. He knows he was stupid and he loves you...a lot. But he also knows you won't be able to just forgive him for how he hurt you. It's killing him though, knowing the pain he caused you by his mistakes."

I don't respond.

"You still love him, don't you?" Merla asks me. "I can tell."

I nod. "The truth is, I know that I will never stop loving him. It's part of why it hurts so much."

"I know Darren," Evra tells me. "And I know that he'll make this up to you somehow. Just give him time. He's dealing with a lot right now."

(A month later...)

A month passes and Shan only gets worse. He isn't talking at all, only grunts when people ask questions. He doesn't even shower or change clothes. He won't talk about Mr. Crepsley, not even to Harkat who wants to. It makes Harkat upset.

I myself have mostly withdrawn. I can't find the energy to do much anymore. I can't smile or play with Shancus. I just sit here like a zombie, barely saying anything to anyone, gazing off into space. I wake up a lot on the floor of our tent after screaming and crying from bad dreams. Shan used to get up a lot and try to comfort me but not anymore. He asked what I dream about but I didn't tell him. I dream about the night Mr. Crepsley died, Steve and Debbie and all the horrible stuff that went on at that time. The only one I do talk to is Harkat. We talk about everything from Mr. Crepsley to Vampire Mountain. We talk about Shan and Debbie and Steve too. And of course we talk about nightmares. He is the only one who knows what my dreams are really about. He is the only one who knows my true deep down feelings about everything. I have no secrets from him. Of all my lost friends, all the ones who meant the world to me, he is the only real one remaining.

(Shan)

There is a birthday party for Truska. She brings a piece of cake for Shan and when he refuses it she shoves it in his face. "You don't know what I'm feeling! Nobody does!" he yells stupidly.

"You think you the only one to lose somebody close?" she responds. "I had husband and daughter. They get killed by evil fishermen."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"Nobody here does. That's why I left home and joined with Cirque du Freak. I hurted terrible inside and had to get away. My daughter was less than two years old when she die. The death of somebody you love is the second worst thing in the world. Worst thing is letting it hurt you so much that you die too inside. Larten's dead and I am sad for him, but if you go on as you are being, I will be sadder for you because you will be dead too even though your body lives."

"I can't help it. He was like a father to me but I haven't even been able to cry yet."

"You will and then you feel better."

"It doesn't make Catarina feel better."

"She have many deaths close to her. Only thing make her better is friends now. She need you. She hurts over you being gone too but you are still being here. You need to show her that. Show her you not gone too."

"I can't."

"You dirty and smelly. Let me help clean you."

He takes a long bath then gets dressed in his 'pirate costume.' Truska points out in the mirror how his eyes look empty of life and hope. "Larten not want this. He love life. He want you love it too. What would he say if he saw this alive-but-dead gaze? Even Catarina have full eyes, of sadness and pain, but not empty. You empty."

Finally, Shan cries and Truska holds him until he falls asleep.

(Catarina's POV)

I don't like parties anymore. I don't feel like celebrating. I remember the party in vampire mountain with Arra and Mr. Crepsley and dancing with Shan. It makes me sad. I go back to our tent and sit on the floor, crying. I'm surprised I still have tears left. Harkat sits beside me and hugs me. I wish Vancha was here.

Christmas is a few days later. I wake up more than once that night screaming louder than usual. Once I ended up all twisted in my hammock, the other times I fell to the floor. I have bruises from doing this so often.

In the morning I sneak away. I don't want to be there with happy people and celebrate. I just want to be alone. I wander through the woods aimlessly. It is cold and I have on a long red sweater, black leggings, and black boots. Eventually I stumble upon a river. The water swishes by quickly. I stare at it, sitting down on frosty bank. After a while I pull off my sweater, boots, and leggings. Then I jump in, closing my eyes and falling. The water is icy and it hits me like knives. It's an intense pain but welcome. I felt so numb on the outside. At first I just let the water take me. Then I try to kick to the surface. I make it and take a deep gasping breath but the current is stronger than it looks. It pulls me under and I am helpless. I can't fight it and I stop trying after a few minutes. I just accept death.

(Shan's POV)

I wake up and notice Catarina isn't in her hammock. "Do you know where she went Harkat?"

"No," he answers. I look for her all around the cirque, asking anyone if they know where she went. No one does. I hurry away and look for her in the woods, calling her name.

It takes a while before I find anything. There's clothes. I pick them up and realize they are Catarina's. Why did she take her clothes off? "Catarina?" I call. No one answers. Where could she be? And then a thought finally pops into my head as I hear the rushing water going past me in the river. She's in the river!

I jump in without even bothering to take off my own clothes. I swim as hard as I can, reaching out my hands to find her. It reminds me of when we escaped Vampire Mountain together last winter.

I am desperate. I can't find her. I have to find her. 'Please help me Vampire Gods. Don't let Catarina die.'

Sure enough, my hand reaches something solid yet soft. It's Catarina. She is against a rock at the bottom of the river. I pull on her and kick hard to the surface. The current is strong and I almost don't make it to the other side. Finally I get to land and I yank her up. I listen for her breath then push on her chest a few times. All she has on is a soaked bra and underwear. Her long hair is soaked too and dripping around her. Her skin is tinted a pale blue color. She coughs but doesn't wake. I pick her up and carry her. I'm freezing but I hurry with her to the cirque. I have to get help. I yell to the first person I see. "Urcha! Get Mr. Tall now!" I demand. He runs with wide eyes. Mr. Tall and Truska arrive. Mr. Tall takes her while Truska helps to warm me. I am shivering so bad that my teeth are chattering. I get dry clothes and blankets wrapped around me then some warm tea. When she is done with me she goes to Catarina.

I pray that she will be okay and she is. I get news soon that she is alright and awake. I go see her. She is sitting up against pillows on a cot. Her hair still hangs loosely but she has tea and a ton of blankets on her. Merla brought Cat's clothes back from the river bank but she has new ones on now. I can see the dark blue long sleeved tunic peeking out from the blankets. Her skin isn't as blue anymore and she isn't shivering. There is tea beside her on a small table. "You saved my life again Super Shan," she half whispers.

I smile. "I guess I did."

"How will I ever repay you?"

"You've done your part for me, trust me. We had our share in Vampire Mountain."

"True."

"How are you feeling?"

"Horrible," she closes her eyes.

"What were you doing in the river? Are you crazy?"

"Probably a little," she answers. "I don't know...I wasn't really thinking. I just wanted to go in and let the water wash over me and then I was going to get out. I didn't know the current was that strong."

"It's ice cold Catarina. Don't do that again."

"I won't."

(Catarina's POV)

The next few months Shan cries at anything that merely reminds him of Mr. Crepsley. Everyone helps him through it.

I still suffer from nightmares but I don't cry as much during the day. I have even started to play with Shancus again. Harkat's own nightmares have returned. "I don't know how any one can rest around here with all the screaming," I tell Shan in our tent. Harkat is sitting near me. "I feel bad that I wake everyone."

"You shouldn't. It's not your fault. They are not mad at you. They feel bad for you and Harkat. They wish they could help."

Another thing that has changed is that Shan wears normal clothes now. He felt too childish in the pirate costume. Truska says she will give it to Shancus when he gets older.

In March there is a birthday party for Corma. It's bright and cheery with a lot of candles and music and dancing. I don't feel like celebrating with anyone. I wander away and I dance in the meadow. I am wearing a tunic, leggings, and my ballet shoes. The grass is damp with frosty dew but the stars are shining brightly in the night sky. I don't want to feel sad. Mr. Crepsley and Arra would not want me too. Mr. Crepsley would want me to be happy and go on. That's what would make him happy in Paradise, to know I am happy and going on.

(Shan's POV)

I eat some cake to be polite then I go find Catarina. When I do, I stop and stare. She has her eyes closed and is dancing in the meadow. Her ballet moves are elegant and flawless and most of all graceful. It's absolutely beautiful. She's beautiful...

When she stops she opens her eyes and looks at me. A smile spreads across her face. "Were you watching me?" she asks.

"Yes," I admit. "That was incredible. You look so beautiful."

She blushes lightly. "You're just saying that."

"No I mean it. It's the truth."

"Sit down with me," she sits in the damp grass so I sit beside her. When she lies on her back and looks at the stars I do the same.

"How are you doing?" I ask her.

"I'm good," she really is and that makes me feel good too.

"Do you think Mr. Crepsley is happy in Paradise?"

"Yes, I believe he is. He knows we are okay now and he is with Arra and Gavner."

"That's true."

She nods.

"Your nightmares...are they about him?"

"They are about everything that happened in the tunnels. They are about his death, about Steve, and the others..."

"Are they about me?" I push even further, hoping she says no. For a while she doesn't say anything.

"Yes," She finally tells me.

"I'm sorry Catarina. It was killing me to know that I was hurting you. Are you still...does your heart still hurt?"

"It does," she says slowly. "But not as much. It's a lot better."

"I'm sorry for being so stupid. I don't mean to. It was a mistake and I know I can't take back my actions but I could if I would. I acted foolishly and I hurt you because of it."

"It may sound strange to say this but...part of me still misses you. Obviously you are here but not in the same way."

"Truska tried to tell me that."

"I miss holding you, being held by you, sleeping beside you, resting my head on your chest and listening to your heat beat, your kiss, your touch, dancing with you, holding hands with you, being able to call you my mate...my everything...all that we did together and could do, that feeling...of love and adoration and belonging. It pains me to say because I know in my heart I will never feel that with anyone else. I will always love you and only you no matter what happens."

"Even after I hurt you?"

"I think you could hurt me a thousand times and it would not change my feelings for you."

"Even if I betrayed you?"

She thinks about if for a moment and then says "Yes. I will always love you. Nothing will ever change that."

"Do you forgive me?"

"Yes."

"Catarina?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you too."

She turns and looks at me now. Impulsively I lean forward and kiss her lips. She doesn't pull away but she doesn't kiss back either. I sit up and so does she. I push hair out of her face and look into her hazel eyes.

"You are my world...my everything Catarina. No one means more to me than you. I will always love you. No one or no thing will change that. No one can ever compare to you. You are amazing and the way I feel about you...the way I feel with you...We're meant to be together. I know it. We're soul mates. I can't be without you. I couldn't be where I am today without you. All that we've been through together...all that lies ahead of us...I can't face the future knowing you are not by my side. I want you in my arms again. Please Catarina, take me back. I may not deserve it but I need you. I love you so much...words cannot even say it," I plead, spilling my heart's content. There are tears in both of our eyes. She takes a long moment to think about it all. Then she nods.

I kiss her and she kisses back. We make out and hold each other tightly, laying back down in the grass. For a long time we just lie together, holding hands and looking up at the stars. I could not feel happier or more right. This is where I belong, here with Catarina my soul mate.