Chapter 40-Part 1

(Catarina's POV)

The pain of losing Shan is like nothing else. It is horrible. It is crippling. When someone mentions him or anything that reminds me of him my heart hurts and I cannot breathe. Tears continue to flow, never ending. I know there will always be a huge hole in me. Shan was my soul mate, he was my life, he was my love. Life will never be the same. No one can ever fill that hole, not Vancha or anybody else. Not having him here beside me every day to talk to and hug and kiss and fight beside...it's awful. I cannot describe the depths of my sorrow for it defies even words.

Hakrat is the first one to get me moving out of bed. He is stern about it. He drags me with him. "Do you think Darren would want this for you? No...Darren would want you to move on and be happy...his soul will not rest if you are like this Catarina, he loved you...He sacrificed himself for us including you...He didn't want to see you hurt...You cannot just stop living because you do not have Darren...You are strong and incredible and you will get past this. You have to."

I nodded and I followed him around. He got me to eat a little. Truska made a nice soothing warm bath for me. I closed my eyes and let the water wash over me. I stayed beneath it until I ran out of air and came up gasping. I took deep breaths and I told myself it would be okay.

I put on fresh clothes and brushed my hair. I never take off the ring Shan gave me. He was my husband, my mate, and our love will last forever.

"Someone wants to talk to you," Alice tells me when I am done.

"Who?"

"It is Annie Shan."

I am not looking forward to talking to her but I know it must be done. I go to her house with Alice. Alice waits outside and lets us have privacy. "Auntie Cat!" Darius runs to me, greeting me with a hug. I am surprised. I return the hug nonetheless.

"Come on in Catarina," Annie says. I sit on the couch, Darius in my lap.

"Are you mad at me Auntie Cat? Mom says you're not but..." he looks about to cry.

"I am not mad at you. Do not worry Darius. You are my nephew. You will always be my nephew no matter what. I care about you very much."

"I care about you too."

"Darius honey, why don't you go play in your room for a while?" Annie suggests. He nods and does as she says. "This has all been so much, it's overwhelming," she sighs. "My son is now a vampire. I just found out my brother who I thought was dead was actually still alive then I lost him again so soon and it's for real this time! I just..." she shakes her head and wipes away some tears. "It's not fair."

"It's not," I agree.

"You have the ring on?"

"I won't take it off."

"So Darren gave it to you..."

"He is my husband."

She smiles lightly. "He loved you so much and you loved him. I know this must be horrible for you."

"It is."

"If you don't want to talk to me again I understand. I just thought I would let you know that I'm here for you. I'm not mad or anything. I'm just sad that all this has happened."

"I am not mad at you. I am very sad but I thank you. I do wish to keep you and Darius in my life. You are my only remaining links to my husband. He loved you very much and I want to get to know you if you let me."

"Of course! You're my sister now!" she hugs me and we have a long talk. She tells me what Shan was like as a kid and what her parents are like and what is was like for her growing up. She tells me a lot about Darius, my nephew. I in turn tell her about me and my time with her brother. She is amazed but happy to hear my story. She says it makes her feel better in a way to know that her brother found happiness and true love before he died. She is pleased at the amazing person he turned out to be and she hopes Darius turns out like him and not Steve. I tell her he will be fine because he is a Shan. There is nothing to worry about. I only do not tell her about Mr. Tiny. I will leave it to the others who help train Darius to tell her. I know she will not care very much about it. Darren will always be her brother, their parents will always be their parents. That is the way Shan would see it too. It would not change anything. Family is always family no matter what.

The next day I talk to Vancha about our plans. He says the cirque is going to regroup under the instruction of Truska and Evra and Merla. I am glad to hear that. Evra and Merla are still so sad but they are getting through it rather well. They have two other kids to raise. Lilia and Urcha both visit me but I still miss my little Shancus so much. It is not the same.

"So that leave us, where do you want to go? Harkat said he could go to the cirque again if that is what you want. I should go back to the Mountain right away but I could come back if you want to go to the cirque. I could stay with you there."

"No," I shake my head. "Thank you but I really just want to go to Vampire Mountain. Please, will you take me there?"

"Of course," he smiles.

I tell Harkat my plans later. "You may go to the cirque if you want. You do not have to stay with me. I have Vancha and the others."

"No, I am going with you. I want to...You and Vancha are my only friends. I will go where you go always."

"Thank you Harkat. You're wonderful," I hug him tightly. He smiles.

Vampire Mountain welcomes us warmly. Everyone is crowded around, anticipating our arrival. They have heard the news of course. They are silent when we first walk in, their heads all bowed respectfully and the death touch symbol on their hands. Then they rush in and cheer for us. They are excited and they honor us for our treacherous journey and how hard we fought for the clan. We stay and listen to them because it is our duty but finally we excuse ourselves away. We talk to Seba who gives us condolence as does everyone in the mountain. He also gives us praise. He makes sure he tells me how strong I am. Everyone tells me this but I do not feel strong right now. Even Vanez hugs me. I thank him.

Then we retire to our beds. Vancha first makes sure I am ok and that there is nothing I need. "I will be fine. I have Harkat."

"Goodnight Catarina. Sweet dreams. If you need me do not hesitate."

I hug him tightly then he leaves. I asked for a new room. I did not want to be reminded of my loss. I get a nice bed and Harkat gets one lower to the ground in the room with me. He said he could go to his own room if I wanted but I did not. "I need you Harkat. I cannot be alone."

He hugs me. "Do not worry. I will always be here for you Cat."

"Thank you," I said then we went to sleep.