A/N: I haven't forgotten about you! Same as before, I have had hardly any time for myself to breathe, let alone write, recently. Anyway, I hope this makes up somewhat for the wait. Part two should come sometime soon, I'm not sure when, though. I'd also like to thank everyone who has continued to read & review, and who patiently waited as I was absent once again for an inordinately long period of time.

The inspiration for this chapter is a review from a while back by Kill4Karamel.

Lesson Seven: Not Getting the Girl, and Other Clichés (Part I)

Fact: Clichés are tremendously overused.

I'm not having you on with that, by the way—even Hermione says so, and she's much cleverer than you. And probably a better kisser, too.

As it happens, a lot of clichés—particularly those having to do with sidekicks—aren't remotely factual (for most of us, that is; every group has its weirdos). And yet, they (the rumors, not the weirdos) continue to spread, misleading people all over the… well, in a lot of places. This is primarily on account of three things*:

*There may be more than what I've listed, but none come to mind presently.

1. OPMD (Over-Protective Mum Disorder): Symptoms include extreme mollycoddling, spying, and warning children away from pursuing rewarding, if dangerous, careers. Chronic and tragically prevalent (not to mention maddening). May or may not be contagious.

2. Those sorry sods the clichés actually apply to, who consistently delude the gullible masses with their blistering patheticness and uncontrollable need to blab about their problems. Don't be one of those people.

3. Bitter wankers who see it fit to fashion a bunch of vicious untruths to tell all of their equally unpleasant friends in order to bolster their dismal senses of self-worth. Sadly, this sort of nasty business is rife in all highly prestigious occupations (including sidekicking, but I'll get to that in a minute).

Fact: A distressing number of people choose to act in a way that suggests that common sense is the leading cause of death in the modern world. These people are strikingly dim. Do try to avoid them.

With all of these sources, it's understandable how these rumors/clichés begin to spread faster than Dragon Pox in a crowded lift. And soon, everyone is under the entirely false (not to mention absurd) impression that you spend your weekends prancing about in tight leather trousers, lip-syncing to Celestina Warbeck.

Now where have I heard that one before?

Don't even go there, mate. You know that Rita Skeeter is not a trusted news source. She doesn't know what she saw.

[Note to younger readers (and some older ones as well): you'd do well to remember to never underestimate the odds of your doing impressively daft things when intoxicated by Firewhisky—particularly in the presence of a camera.]

Anyway, as I mentioned before, the respected name of the sidekick business has received a triple helping of slander with a side of ridicule over the years. The injustices I'm about to whinge to you about (in a very authoritative and informative way, mind) are the most prevalent and particularly foul delusions you might hear about. In fact, you've probably heard some of them already. I'm going to assume you didn't believe them though, as they don't offer much in the way of incentive for entering this trade.

Common Sidekick Misconception #1: The sidekick is always the one saddled with the wussiest bits of nomenclature (e.g. Watson, Gabby, or Robin, to name a few).

Counter Example: Harry, Ron(ald). Enough said.

This is just one example of a prevailing 'sidekicks are a bunch of nancies' theme. Get used to being asked all sorts of idiotic and pointless questions like "Does he bring you along out of pity?" or "Do you have to fetch his tea and stuff?"

We are many things—chums, accomplices, amigos, shrinks—but we are not bloody interns.

Common Sidekick Misconception #2: The purpose of the sidekick is to make the hero look good.

Counterexample(s): "Don't worry, mate, the midget-with-glasses look is very popular with girls"; "Did you just make yourself look ridiculous intentionally?"; "Oi, four-eyes!"; "What do you mean, 'you can't reach it'? Just how short are you, anyway?"; "Are you sure you want to go out with him? I mean, he's kind of broody and whatnot."

Why the hell am I friends with you, anyway?

Because I'm funny, clever, and handsome, that's why.

Duh.

Common Sidekick Misconception #3: Sidekicks are uncommonly stupid.

Counterexample (sort of): Stupidity and "failing to apply oneself" (M. McGonagall) are entirely different things.

I honestly have no idea where people get these barmy notions.

Common Sidekick Misconception #4: The sidekick never gets the girl.

Counterexample: Hermione, Lavender, that third year who stalked me for the better part of sixth year.

However, all rumors, even that one about you and that Hufflepuff with the unibrow in the Trophy Room, have to start somewhere.

It's a sad truth that not all sidekicks are as mind-blowingly attractive as myself. I'm sure many of you have loads of other redeeming qualities (such as integrity, honesty, skill at hamster-training, and all that rubbish), but the fact is, your looks aren't going to get you very far.

OK, most of what you just read was complete and utter tosh. Still, beyond the bullshit, there were some very critical kernels of truth buried in that paragraph, and those kernels will make up the stew of this lesson. You must be tremendously thrilled—or hungry; I know I am with all this talk of kernels and whatnot.

The point is: it is fairly common knowledge that, when it comes to romance, the sidekick is basically shunted to the side and forgotten about as the hero gets all the action. This, my friends, is not (entirely) true, though it has been known to occur with shocking regularity. The important thing to remember is the early bird may get the worm, but the second hinkypunk gets the porridge… and this analogy made a hell of a lot more sense in my head (but then again, so do most things I do or say).

That explains quite a bit.

Yes, Potter, because you always think before you speak.

A/N: Cookies to whoever can guess what the flashback will be (approximately) ;). Do I still got it? Let me know!

(8/4/10) Thanks everyone who alerted me of the two number 3's issue! It's been fixed.