A/N: It's Saturday, as promised. (See? I'm getting better at this!)

Lesson Eight: Know Thy Press (Part I)

Sidekicking and Public Relations have a rocky marriage, but really, it can be boiled down to Way You Really Ought to Behave and a Way You Only Have an Excuse to Act if You've Been Imperiused. Basically any other approach will get you arrested—that, or a private ward at St. Mungo's.

I'm suspect that the biggest press releases about you right now are your weekly letters to Mum and Dad (Breaking News: Jimmy O'Connor Failed Last History of Magic Exam, "Should've seen it coming," says O'Connor). If that is the case (and if it's not, why haven't you used your celebrity status to promote this brilliant work of genius?), the above advice may seem rather irrelevant to your dull life. That will change—if you don't go and botch things up, of course.

This is because, as it turns out, saving the world is a pretty big deal. As a result, when all you really want to do is have a nice kip and eat some decent food (er, that's not to say that those charred fish and mushrooms weren't divine, of course… heh), a herd of reporters with a lot of questions and no concept of personal space will inescapably decide to make life (more) difficult for you.

Here is how you shouldn't deal with such a situation:

Insensitive Berk #1: Mr. Weasley, you have been on the run for the past year—

Person-Who-Really-Ought-to-Keep-His-Trap-Shut: No shit.

Insensitive Berk #1: … Uhm, right. Could you please tell our readers how it feels knowing your quest has finally arrived at its end?

PWROKHTS: If you don't budge over and let me at those bloody fritters within the next five seconds, I am going to blast your sorry arse back to the First Goblin War of 1532.

But that's just common sense.

In this Lesson, we (I say 'we' to give you the impression that you are at all important in this process, which you're not) will cover sudden fame and what to do with it; how to deal with nasty leeches (journalists); and the proper way to slice a rutabaga.

Now, like I said before: helping rid the earth of megalomaniacal wannabe-dictators gets you a fair bit of attention. You can expect to receive:

a. Fan mail (sometimes with… interesting gifts from overeager females. No, I haven't worn them.)

b. Ad campaigns

c. Free merchandise (for example, a lifetime supply of Wonder Witch products—cheers, George)

d. A bunch of people who know your name (or at least some variation of it, e.g. 'Don Wesley', courtesy of This Week in Wizardry)

e. Action figures (bloody creepy, they are)

But in addition to all that, everyone wants to hear "your story", even if you don't feel like telling it. Life isn't fair (and neither, incidentally, is playing hide-and-go-seek with Harry Potter—but that's a story for another time.)

Here are some basic guidelines for publicity/interview procedure.

Don't tell your interviewer he has a very nearly convincing toupee—you might think that's a compliment, but chances are, he won't.

Do try your best not to curse excessively (and I do mean in the "oh god damn it all, my shitty robe has got a bloody tear in it" kind, not the psychopathic, "I squish kittens for fun" kind.)

Don't use sarcasm; they won't get it, and nothing's more awkward than the silence that follows, "How did we disguise ourselves? Drag, mostly. Harriet, Herman, and Rhonda. Harry and I plan to stick with it, actually. Skirts really are quite refreshing."

Do adhere to acceptable social conduct (i.e. shake hands instead of head-butting)

Basically, don't make an arse of yourself; there are enough gormless gits in the world without you joining their ranks.

It is possible to avoid these awkward encounters entirely, but doing so requires quick thinking, precision, and most of all: stealth.

Stealth? Is that what you call hiding behind a nine-year-old to dodge Skeeter?

I didn't have a lot to work with. It was the best I could do at the time.

Ron, he was about two feet shorter than you.

That would explain why she spotted me so quickly. You've got it easy; all you have to do is whip out your—

Ron…

Erm—intuition?

Smooth, Ron. "Quick thinking, precision, and stealth"—you sure showed us.

Oh can it, the both of you.

The above is a perfect example of one of the drawbacks of being a sidekick: no respect, none at all.

But you get great dental.

Fair point.

A/N: I think I'll go back and edit this later; it's still a bit... rough. But I wanted to get it out to you all ASAP.

Reviews are better than Ron in drag.