Our Solemn Hour

In my darkest hours

I could not foresee

That the tide could turn so fast to this degree

Can't believe my eyes

How can you be so blind?

Is the heart of stone, no empathy inside?

……

Jenny

8/31/10

1:30 p.m.

As the days passed, my stiffness faded, and was replaced with the strength I was used to. I had become a lot quieter, trying not to break down or act to childish as I constantly mulled over my one and only option. It's not like I could just live here at the Order and use their recourses, and I definitely wasn't leaving. Hermione had quietly explained to me who Draco Malfoy was, and he was definitely a git, but not someone I wanted to beat up. I now loathed Kingsley, and was only irritated by Lupin. I knew that he was trying to get me to connect, trying to make me feel comfortable, but he hated himself for what he was, and his pity made me want to beat him up, not Draco. "Jenny," Kingsley's voice made me tense, and I turned away from the magical window I had been blankly staring through to meet his gaze. "If you would come upstairs, please." And I knew exactly what he meant by that. I brushed past him without a word and climbed every step up to the final door on the fourth floor. The door was open, and as I walked inside, I wanted to walk back out. Four Aurors had Draco backed into a corner, wands out, leaving the rest of the attic clear.

Kingsley closed the door behind him, and leaned against the wall with everyone else. I ignored Hermione's gaze boring into me and crossed my arms. "Are you ready, Jenny?" Tonks asked, and I stonily met her gaze. She sighed, and one by one, the Aurors backed off, walked around me, and then went against the back wall. For a moment, Draco and I only watched each other. Madam Pompfrey had healed his face and stomach, and she was here today, but this was still sick. But what else could I do?

Malfoy was tall and lean, with piercing grey eyes, a constant smirk, and blond hair that looked like it had been slicked back, but was now hanging everywhere. "This is wrong." I said firmly.

"I gave you an order." Kingsley unflinchingly retorted, responding instantly, and I turned slightly to meet his gaze angrily. "Go on." He almost smirked, making my hands ball into fists.

"Fine, do you want me to beat him up, seriously beat him up, beat him until an inch of his life, or should I just kill him for you, Kingsley?" I snapped, and I saw Draco pale out of the corner of my eye.

"I told you to show us what you can do, that's all." He raised an eyebrow, challenging me, and I felt sick as I turned stiffly back around, and then took two steps forward, then five, until I was right in front of Draco, who surprisingly held his ground. Then, I picked him up around the waist and body slammed him onto the ground, locking away any emotion I had left, swearing to never let it out again. I let Draco get back up, brush himself off, catch his breath. To my surprise, he had the same determination in his eyes as I, and he went to deck me in the same spot, so I grabbed his wrist, jerked his arm around, and threatened to pop his arm out of it's socket until he gasped. Then I let go, spun and jumped, kicked him in the back, then did a back handspring and wrapped one arm around him, forcing him back into the middle of the room then in one jump, kicked him once in the nose, once in the chin, then whirled sideways and kicked him right in the side of the head.

"Good enough for you, Kingsley? Or does he have to be bleeding?" I said bitterly as Malfoy lay gasping on the floor, and the other side of the room was silent, until Mrs. Weasley of all people spoke.

"I think that is quite enough." She said it harshly, and glared at Kingsley, who was wearing a superior smile.

"I think he can take a bit more." As soon as he said it, I barely held myself back from attacking him and glared fiercely at him.

"Why don't you give it a try, Kingsley, and you see how it feels?" I snapped, then drop-kicked Malfoy as he tried to get up and rose to my full height, which was pretty tall when I wanted to be, and strode over. "You're sick Kingsley, and if I didn't have to work for you, I would cause you more pain than you could imagine." I hissed, until Lupin threw out his arm to stop me from getting in Kingsley's face.

"You would threaten a wizard…interesting." Kingsley almost snickered, making my blood boil.

"I would do more than threaten one like you." I promised him, then turned away from Lupin and started for the door.

"Oh…by the way… I wasn't sure if you were keeping track, but it's a full moon tonight. You'll be leaving with Lupin." Kingsley almost jeered, making me stop, stiffening. It had completely slipped my mind, and fear started to replace the anger. What would happen to me tonight? "Oh, and for disobeying a direct order, you can transform tonight without the Wolfsbane Potion." Kingsley added, and Lupin started to speak up, but when he stopped, and I assumed Kingsley had given him a look. What would it feel like, losing who I was, turning into a wolf in the moons light? "Hopefully, this will keep you from disobeying me again." Kingsley said; a veiled threat under his words.

"You're willing to risk me attacking Lupin for your own gain?" I said it softly, and I could almost feel his triumphant grin boring into my back as my shoulders slumped.

"Lupin can take care of himself. Welcome to the Order. We're grateful to have you." He said, and he walked smoothly past me and out the door.

"That was barbaric, absolutely cruel." Tonks spluttered sounding indignant.

"That wasn't because I'm a werewolf, or because I disobeyed him, although it certainly helped. It's because I'm a filthy dirty Muggle to him, that's it." I said it softly again, staring at one spot in the wall, memorizing the grain of the wood.

"Don't ever say that." Mr. Weasley said almost fiercely, and I forgot that he found Muggles like me fascinating. I laughed softly but bitterly and turned around to meet everyone's eyes, locking the emotion down for good.

"I can't deny what isn't true, Mr. Weasley. I'm the stupid Muggle girl who can't use magic, but is stuck in a world full of it." Mr. Weasley went to reply, looking almost hurt, but Lupin raised an arm.

"I think I'd like a moment with her, alone, if you all wouldn't mind." He said this calmly enough, and everyone except Malfoy silently trooped out. "You can't let who you are hold you back. I've already made that mistake. If you want to be able to stand up to Kingsley, if you want to be seen as an equal in his eyes, you need to stay strong. What did Hermione say to you, when she was quoting you? 'Pain is not my enemy, because I cannot define it. Therefore, it does not define me.'" Lupin quoted, and anger spiked in my veins. I had learned that from my father, who I would never see again.

"That's none of your goddamn business, Lupin. If you haven't done what you just told me to do, why the hell should I do it? I'm not going to change who I am to fit in here, no matter how much it hurts. I only hope that I don't hurt you tonight." I ended bitterly, and Lupin's look turned stony.

"I'm not giving you advice here. What happened to you is tragic, but—"

"Get out." I snarled as the pity came back. I had seen enough of it. Lupin looked surprised, but didn't move. "Get out!!" I screamed at him. "I don't need your fucking pity!" Lupin looked sad, and the pity was still there as he walked past me.

"Be downstairs in an hour, and we'll leave." He said this like I hadn't just screamed at him, and as he left, I kicked the door shut so hard, cracks appeared in the plaster as I pressed my head to the door, hands flat on the door, emotion coursing through me as silence descended in the attic. I was dimly aware that I was trembling slightly, and I could hear Draco moving, but I could care less what he did.

I curled up in a ball, head down, hugging my knees to my chest, leaning my back against the door and tried not to cry and scream; tried not to have a breakdown. I wouldn't sob over this. I wouldn't shed a single damn tear. Even Lupin knew that what Kingsley was doing was wrong, everyone knew it. I wasn't going to change for one man. "I'm sorry," Draco's smooth voice suddenly filled the silence, and it took me a moment to actually register that he had said something. I slowly looked up. He was in the far opposite corner, lightly rubbing the side of this face where a bruise was forming.

"As much as that makes my situation so much better…" I smacked my forehead onto my knees, then sighed. "But I am sorry for what I did to you. Kingsley is such a…" I struggled for words to accurately describe him and failed.

"As much as that makes my situation so much better…" Malfoy quoted humorlessly. I snorted.

"Yes, because your life is so difficult right now. As much as I would love to stay here and get to know your life story, I need to go turn into a fucking werewolf now." I said bitterly, and stood up, then stalked outside, past a depressed looking Tonks, and started down the stairs until I finally reached the ground floor. Lupin was waiting somberly in the front hallway, along with Hermione, Ron and Harry.

"Good luck," Hermione whispered, already starting to tremble as I silently put on my boots. I crossed the hall and gave her a brief hug.

"See you three in the morning." I said, and it came out more chillingly and lifeless than I had thought it would. Hermione fanned her eyes, then handed me a bag that had a change of clothes and then an old jacket with a high collar that would cover my bites. "Hermione," I started as she continued to tremble, "it never was your fault." I meant to be reassuring, but again, it was lifeless. Feeling cowardly, I slipped into the jacket and picked up the bag and silently followed Lupin down the hallway and out the door.