Frozen

I can't feel my senses

I just feel the cold

All colours seem to fade away

I can't reach my soul

……

Jenny

8/31/10

6:05 p.m.

Almost as soon as we stepped outside the door, Lupin had gently took my arm and Apparated to a clearing in a forest. It was already dark outside, but I could see clouds that were shining with the moon behind them. "Jenny, I'm going to Apparate to another spot in these woods. I'll see you in the morning." His face was full of that pity again as my perfect façade of lifelessness didn't fade. Once he was gone, I put my bag against a log and sank down in the middle of the clearing, hugging myself. For once, I was alone, but now I was scared to be alone. What would transforming feel like? How would I transform?

For awhile, I watched the clouds get thinner and thinner, until I couldn't watch them anymore. Despite my best efforts, I started to silently cry as the clouds finally broke, and the dangerous light of the moon hit my skin. Instantly, tiny ice cold needles pressed into every inch of my skin. It felt like I was zoning out as the ground suddenly got huge, like it had been magnified. My clothing shredded, my boots fell away.

……

The forest was teeming with life. Wild rabbits and birds shuffled almost silently as they settled down for the night. A stream flowed noisily, and the forest seemed to twitch and tremble, twigs cracking and leaves swishing. Standing up and sniffing the ground, I moved into the forest, silently moving across the forest floor. The moon was shining brightly through the trees. It made my fur stand up, it's coldness made my body tingle with energy. Sitting on my haunches, I howled up to the moon for at least half and hour, in pleasure, in desire. The light on my fur was the best feeling, it made my senses sharpen, my energy double. Howling to the moon again and again, I wandered through the forest, listening and investigating. I sniffed heavily in all kinds of thorny and bramble-y bushes, moved rocks with my nose, and ran as fast as I could in the enchanting moonlight, branches whipping at my legs. The darkness kept me covered, but the moonlight made me happy. I found my way back to the clearing, and the sheer amount of the light in one space made me howl in pure happiness and bound through the woods, trees rushing by. My feet padded almost silently on the ground, the wind whipped and chilled the skin under my thick fur. Eventually, sleep nagged at me, so I curled up under a tree, swishing my tail over my nose to keep my face warm.

……

Something was poking me, all over. It felt like pine needles. Sun was warming my back, which felt taut. Harsh bark was rough against my skin. Skin? I had been having the most fantastic dream, where I was howling to the moon…I rolled over as fast I could and gasped, sitting up and then groaning with pain. I was stiffer than ever before, and naked. Last night's 'dream' came flying back to me, making me hold myself even tighter, relishing the feeling of skin, not fur. Glancing around, I felt my fear increase. Where the hell was I? With a groan, I slowly got to my feet, then started to follow my huge wolf tracks back through the forest and found ones much larger and realized Lupin must have been following me, carefully of course, but he had still been putting himself in harms way. More harsh guilt shot through me as I limped and hobbled over fallen trees, roots and forest plants, following my own tracks, occasionally picking leaves and dirt out of my hair, which had lost it's ponytail in the transformation.

Thinking about it made me shiver. The feeling of a million needles that were colder than cold hitting every nerve, every cell…I shook my head to clear it and kept walking, getting more and more panicked when I still wasn't coming up on the clearing. How far had I gone?? Along the way, I examined my body and was dismayed to find long scratches and short ones, deep and shallow, along with bruises and scrapes of various sizes, along with lots and lots of dirt. Thinking back on it, I was pretty sure that I had rolled 'happily' on the ground in the moonlight.

Finally, I stumbled upon the clearing after following my tracks in circles, cursing my stiffness, my long and winding path, and Greyback under my breath several times. But I was so thankful for clothes, although it hurt so much to get them on. At the bottom was a tiny mirror, and I thanked Hermione several times in my head as I pulled it out and gasped when I saw myself. My usually sleek and shiny blond hair was limp, ragged and dirty, with leaves and twigs sticking out of it. My face was covered in dirt, some bruises, but there an impressive and jagged scratch that started on my left forehead, crossed and eyebrow and the bridge of my nose, then all the way down my right cheek that took first prize. I also had collected a harsh and deep scrape on my jawline. Dried blood from the various other scrapes and cuts was all over me. Out of habit, I studied one of the four bites, the one on my neck. It seemed more prominent today, or maybe that was just me. I hastily tucked away the mirror and staggered around the clearing, cursing when I had to bend over to pick up clothing and finally, my boots, which weren't shredded to badly at all.

Who the fuck was I kidding. My boots were torn to bits, as were the jacket and shirt I had gotten. My pants were gone for, totally destroyed. I had lost a whole night of my life, had gotten lost to the monster within…tears pricked in my eyes and I buried my face in my hands. I had loved being a wolf when I was a wolf, but now I was scared shitless. I had been alone that time. What if I ran into people, or Lupin? Another animal? I already knew what I would do, I would get aggressive, I would kill.

"Jenny?" I heard Lupin call tiredly, and he stepped into the clearing as I turned quickly and winced as my hip made a popping noise. Lupin looked like he had just woken up, and looked as stiff as I was, but he wasn't covered in dirt, scratches and scrapes like I was. "Good lord," He said quietly, coming over and gently tipping my head to examine the long scratch down my face.

Suddenly, I burst into tears. Lupin had only been trying to help me all along, and if I had just been willing to listen, to compromise, last night wouldn't have been so scary. I would have had the Wolfsbane Potion, I would have kept my head. Lupin immediately wrapped his arms around me as I cried silently into his jacket. My voice was totally gone from howling so much, and salt from my tears burned in my scratches, remoisturizing dried blood. "It's alright, Jenny. It won't be so bad the next time." Lupin said earnestly, pulling back and gently wiping tears off my face.

"It was a nightmare," My voice cracked and sometimes didn't even project sound it was so worn. Lupin sighed and gave me another hug.

"Kingsley was wrong for making you change the first time without help. If we had a plethora of Wolfsbane Potions, I would have taken one for you. Now, how about we go back to Grimmauld Place, and get some tea and a shower for you?" He asked, and I nodded meekly.

"Lupin…I'm sorry for what I said to you yesterday." My voice gave out, but Lupin understood and smiled sadly.

"It's alright, Jenny. You didn't know what it's like. Now you do." He took my arm again, and we materialized on the front step of Grimmauld Place. He opened the door for me and I limped inside. Lupin stiffly walked inside and shut the door quietly. He walked in a stiff legged fashion to the kitchen, and I limped after him. Mr. Weasley was reading the Wizarding newspaper, looking grim, and the rest of the house was pretty quiet. "Morning, Arthur." Lupin said tiredly, and Mr. Weasley lowered his newspaper and gasped.

"Merlin's beard," He stood up and hastily folded his newspaper as I watched Lupin make the viciously orange tea. "I'll call Madam Pompfrey; that is a nasty scratch, Jenny." He said quickly, and left. I sighed, and leaned against the counter and closed my eyes. I was exhausted and sore, each movement hurt.

"Toxic tea for you?" Lupin said humorlessly, but I chuckled anyway and opened my eyes, turned around, and accepted the goblet, the color seeming to burn into my eyelids.

"Aptly named," I spoke crackily, my voice getting higher and disappearing after my first word. Lupin chuckled, but his face was gloomy as he leaned against the counter next to me.

"Jenny?" I heard Hermione call and feet rushing down the stairs. Mr. Weasley must have passed her room to let her know that we were back. Hermione skidded into the kitchen and gasped, Ron and Harry catching up and stopping dead behind her. "Oh, Jenny," Hermione said tearfully, and I set down my mug almost robotically as she came flying over and hugged me. I slowly wrapped my arms around her shaking back, the soreness shooting pain down my nerves.

"She's fine Hermione, just very tired and sore." Lupin said quietly from next to me, and Hermione instantly let go and traced the scratch on my face in midair, tears shining in her eyes.

"There are more injuries in this place then at Hogwarts," I heard Madam Pompfrey say grumpily on the stairs as she started to come down.

"He's right, Hermione." I said, and her face twisted at the sound of my voice. It reminded me of the time as a kid when I had gotten sick and coughed until my voice disappeared; and when I tried to talk, it would get high and rough or would vanish all together.

"Gracious, child!" Madam Pompfrey scurried across the kitchen as I looked up to the sound of her voice. "You've certainly outdone yourself, haven't you? Goodness me, I'm sure you are scratched and bruised all over. Come along, we'll get you to a room for a shower and some sleep. Then I'll heal you the best I can."