Before we begin…I'd like to address a reader/reviewer. Count Happenis, flames usually don't bother me, but I would have gotten your message in another way. Telling me to drop dead and threatening to rape me in my sleep really wasn't necessary, but thank you for you…enthusiasm.
Oh, and a few of you have been wondering why I made Kingsley such and evil and arrogant little ass. Well, Kingsley is always so glorified and goody-goody. What good is a story if there isn't a little (or maybe a lot) of darkness thrown in there? If it is to OOC for you, then stop reading.
Perfectly Lonely
Nothing to do
Nowhere to be
A simple little kind of free
Nothing to do
No one to be
Jenny
9/2/10
5:02 p.m.
"You've done impressive work for your first run, Jenny." Kingsley looked sour as he said it. "But now describe your day for us." He added. So I did. I told them about the offices I went into, people I had followed and seen. Then I went into detail about being in Umbridge's office and finding Ron and Harry, then following Harry to the courtrooms, Hermione, and finally, my attack on Yaxley. I left out everything about the locket. Kingsley wanted to interfere with what my friends were doing, and I wasn't about to let him do it. "You took risks." Kingsley said with a sour face again, mulling over the part about the Dementors. He was obviously unhappy and a little pissed off that I had done so well, because I was a Muggle.
"Risks were necessary. I can't be careful anymore, not when the Ministry isn't." I said firmly. Kingsley eyed me for a moment, trying not to congratulate me, and desperately thinking of something else he could say to break the moment. Then a smile that made red warning flags flash in my brain stretched across his face.
"Normally, I would have rewarded you with the Wolfsbane Potion, but since you so chivalrously told me you don't need them, a simple congratulations will do." Kingsley shook my hand briskly in the stunned silence then swept out. Shhhiiiittttttt. I mentally assaulted and killed Kingsley repeatedly in my brain as Tonks looked at me sympathetically. She was the only one who knew. I couldn't even look at Lupin.
"What was he talking about, Jenny?" Mr. Weasley asked almost dangerously, as dangerously as he could ask a question. I sighed, steeling myself for the fight that was sure to follow.
"After I came back from the full moon, I told Kingsley that he had helped me conquer my fear and that I didn't need the potions anymore, that Lupin could use all of them. I did it to let him know that I wasn't afraid of him." Lupin had turned a fierce shade of red over in the corner, his face livid, clashing with the heat spreading across his face.
"Is that true?" Mr. Weasley asked in a forced calm. Before I could answer, Lupin spoke up harshly.
"Of course it's not true. Jenny, you were so scared in the morning, you-"
"I'm perfectly aware of what I've done, Lupin. It's a luxury I don't deserve, and since I haven't experienced changing with the potion, it's not a sacrifice." I cut across him just as harshly, adrenaline slowly filling me up. When I got mad, I got a rush from it, an instinct for a fight.
"Not a sacrifice? Jenny, you were torn to ribbons. I can't let you do that to yourself every month!" Lupin insisted, standing up and leaning on the table to glare at me down its length.
"You'll just have to stop following me when I change. I did this not just for me, Lupin. You'll have to keep yourself safe—"
"Keep me safe? I have all the experience I need. You can't—"
"I can, and I will. I only have two things I have to do now, spy in the Ministry and be a werewolf once a month. Both are dangerous no matter how you slice it. I'm not afraid to get hurt."
"I can't allow it. I won't allow it." Lupin looked beside himself. Slight guilt rose in me before I squashed it. This was for his own good, really.
"You are worth every drop of the potion we have, Lupin. Pain is not my enemy, because I cannot define it. Therefore, it does not define me." I said calmly ignoring the looks of horror and almost grim admiration on the rest of the members faces. Lupin's face flushed brighter if possible as I quoted my father, something I told him never to do again. I turned and walked away then, up the stairs, and seeing nowhere else to go, up all the stairs to the fourth floor where one of the twins was leaning against the door, tossing his wand and catching it repeatedly, but straightened up as I climbed the last few steps.
"I heard a lot of shouting down there…how did the first day go?" He asked, and I noticed a Extendable Ear hanging out of his jacket pocket, and I couldn't help but smile, but it turned out more like a grimace.
"You tell me," I said, gesturing to the fleshy string, and he flushed slightly, stuffing it further into his pocket and out of sight.
"What you did for Lupin…it really is a sacrifice." He said honestly, and I shrugged, leaning against the railing, and on a quick peek downward, saw Lupin storm across the front hallway, grab his cloak and slam the door on his way out. It made me wince. "And you did a great job today in the Ministry. I'm just surprised that Ron had the balls to do what he did." George said lightly, dropping the werewolf subject altogether, much to my relief. I had finally recognized him as George because he had made the ridiculous bow when he saw me. At least, I thought it was George.
"I just hope they are safe…and I know that this is going to sound strange, but could I possibly get in there?" I asked, pointing to the door. George rolled his eyes in mock drama and unlocked the door and bowed ridiculously again, gesturing me inside. Thanking him quietly, I stepped inside. Draco was surprisingly just inside the door, he must have been listening. "Dark Wizard," I greeted him, moving past him into the spacious attic. I heard him clench his teeth, and it almost made me laugh. Why that would piss him off, I had no idea.
"A mission today?" He asked, looking paler than usual. He didn't call me Muggle, but I didn't expect him to. He was still trying to get me to open up to him, like he was good after all. I just nodded, going to the little window to look out into the London night.
"And I promised to visit after each one, didn't I?" I asked almost to myself, tracing grit from the outside window with a finger, then turning as I heard him move, the floorboards creaking. "You look pale." I sat by the window as he opened his mouth to say something, and he looked irritated that I interrupted him.
"So do you. What did you do for Lupin?" He asked, and I felt my muscles tighten instantly. I knew that Lupin would probably yell at me again; try to reason with Kingsley, all of that awkward nonsense.
"You look lonely too." I added quietly, tracing circles in the dust on the attic floor, ignoring the question, and I heard him sigh angrily, but before he could talk again, I surprised myself by telling the truth to this dark, angsty and seriously messed up in the head wizard. "Since no one here is really that skilled at Potion making, the Wolfsbane Potions are running low. I told Kingsley that I wouldn't need them, that I wasn't afraid to lose my mind and be a vicious wolf every full moon. He's now using it against me, even though he knows I'm not afraid of him anymore. Lupin is furious." I said this all very quietly, with my gaze fixed perfectly on the symbols and patterns I was drawing in the dust, even when Draco swore quietly under his breath.
"Are you suicidal?" he asked finally, and I chuckled just as quietly as I had spoken, starting to draw a picture of a little stick person on a hill in the dust. Then I drew my house.
"Not yet, even though my only job practically is suicide and being a werewolf isn't the safest thing in the world. How about you, cut off from the world and being locked in an attic 24/7? That's got to blow some major chunks." I said this lightly, and I felt his confusion, which made me want to laugh again. For once, being a Muggle was coming in handy. "You know, it sucks, it's not good, and it blows. Chunks." I tried to explain and failed when I looked up to see him watching me strangely. I laughed, obliterating the hillside with a swipe of my hand, feeling bitter all of a sudden. I had drawn my family in the dust, and their 'appearance' made loss shoot through me.
"Ask for the potion again." He almost sounded pleading, his voice abrupt, and I raised an eyebrow as I looked at him, studied him. His hair was getting longer, but he still looked lean and almost more muscular than before. So he wasn't getting fat sitting up here all day. Nice. But he did look desperate and powerless, and I wondered why, my dangerous curiosity tingling.
"It won't do anything to change Kingsley's mind." I said lifelessly. "Besides, I don't want it. Yes, it's dangerous for me, and it hurts like hell, not to mention scary recalling your night almost like a dream and not remembering sections at all, not to mention waking up with no idea where you are, bruised and bleeding, stark naked and freezing." I ignored Draco and put my face in my hands, ending my quick rant. "Lupin deserves it much more than I do, he's more important." I said quietly, my voice muffled by my hands. I had already made up my mind, but it didn't scare me any less. I heard Draco move and sit closer to me.
"But you're my link to the outside world…what if you get attacked as a wolf and die?" His caring attitude was cute, and I could make fun of him for it, but I wasn't that kind of person right now. I really needed someone who wanted to hurt me so I could throttle them; cause something the same pain I was feeling.
"It's more likely that I get caught spying and get tortured and executed than getting more than sore as a wolf. And you shouldn't have a link at all, Dark Wizard. You're incredibly lucky right now." He snorted, and I took my head out of my hands. We were almost face to face now.
"If only you knew." He muttered darkly. His silvery eyes looked incredibly sad, and for some reason, that made anger shoot through me.
"If only I cared, really. I came in here to rant and be pissed off, not to give you a therapy session." I snapped rubbing my temples. I heard his sharp intake of breath, and I felt a little guilty. Stop that. He didn't stop Greyback from getting you into this mess. Be angry!
"You would be a great Slytherin." He said after a moment, and hate flashed down my veins. Hermione had explained Hogwarts in detail, and here goes this kid insulting the shit out of me. I slapped him full across the face before he could react, and stood up swiftly. His one comment had gotten perfectly under my skin.
"And that knife I threw into your leg would have been great in your neck. I'm a Muggle, Dark Wizard, and that's the way it will always be." I stopped, shocked into silence at my reaction. I had never been violent outside of karate, and I had certainly yelled at people before, but never like this. Draco had one hand on the pink mark across his left cheek, speechless. "God, what the hell has happened to me?" I whispered, sliding down the wall into my sitting position once more, putting my forehead back on my knees, wrapping my arms around myself, making a little ball of misery. Why did I always take this position when I was in the attic?
An arm around my shoulders surprised me somewhere deep inside, but I stayed still under Draco's arm, too pissed off at life to beat him to smithereens. He leaned into me when I didn't. He smelled amazing for being locked in an attic for weeks, so they must be letting him shower. His arms were strong and comforting, like a shield I didn't need against the world. I entered a state I got into when life became almost unbearable, when I would spend minutes into hours just staring at something, or keeping my eyes open into darkness, not really thinking. "You'll be alright, if you stay safe." He said it softly, but it sparked the rage again, and I sprinted clear up from the ground and across the room to the door, new anguish at life sparking up from just under the surface. All the tears I refused to cry were making me tremble a little.
Draco looked shocked again, his arms slowly closing around the space that I couldn't believe I had been in. He had messed with my mind and moved right in, the git. I told myself this, it was probably true, but deep down I knew that it was just what I had needed. "I'm not even safe to myself anymore, Draco." I whispered, using his real name and slipped out, ignoring George trying to talk to me as I fled silently down the flights of stairs to my room, and curled in a ball on the floor, beside my desk, hiding. Thoughts raced through my head along with exhaustion as I silently let tears fall onto the floor, hugging myself.