The Deep End
And don't tell me, I'm afraid of waking up alone
But it's waking up to find you've gone
Well you make it clear,
I had my chances
Only one way left to go,
So I'll follow it down
Draco
9/3/10
1:23 a.m.
I had finally lost it. My mind was blown, all caution and common sense obliterated.
Here I was, the proud, arrogant Draco Malfoy, locked in the enemy's attic, falling for the girl I was supposed to have helped to murder. She was the way she was partly because of me. I shouldn't be liking her! Why did I feel for her so much? Was the seclusion getting to me? She was the only person I got 'visits' from besides the troop of Aurors that let me shower, and Ron Weasley's mother who brought up food. I mean, yes, she was attractive, strong, decisive, sly, fit, and brave…See! There I was again, wrapped up in my thoughts about this girl. Every time I tried not to think about her, it happened. I cared for her well being, partly because I had slightly gotten her into the mess she was currently in, but mostly because I wanted her to be safe. I was protective of her, her! The dangerous and probably suicidal Muggle/werewolf/spy! She was my enemy. She had hit me, said terrible things to me, even though I knew she regretted it. Her sarcasm and toughness would rival a Slytherin's, especially because she was gorgeous.
When she had left, hating herself, I wanted to go after her, to hold her close, to tell her it was ok, to protect her from my world. But how could I help her, locked in an attic, wandless? Speaking of, how could she still be alive after sneaking through the Ministry without any kind of magic besides the werewolf blood now in her veins? If she could do it, using only brawn and brains, why couldn't I get out of here?
But I knew that I would never leave here without knowing if she would be alright. Plus, I had nowhere to go. I was safer here than I had been in my whole life. I didn't want to give her up; I didn't want to go back to Dark Magic. So what could I do to get out of the attic, but stay at the Order? I wanted to connect with the girl. It was pathetic that I always refered to her like that. The girl. Her. I wanted to know her name so badly. I would never call her Muggle. Ever. She was so much better than that, even though she was doing the exact same thing Lupin had done. She had started to hate herself, hate her life, and we have all seen how Lupin turned out.
I needed to connect with her more often, I needed more of her. But how? I couldn't be a spy too, the Order would never trust me, and I wasn't as strong as her, not as able-bodied. What could I do for them, and how could I get them all to trust me?
…
Jenny
9/3/10
1:40 a.m.
Unable to sleep, I silently walked downstairs to the kitchen. I couldn't trust myself to go to anyone who was unbiased in this house, because there was no one. I couldn't trust Draco anymore, not when he pulled a move like that. Who I really needed was Hermione. She had a vague idea about who I had been before the attack, she would be here to keep me sane, if I could have her. I stood still as a statue in front of the sink and listened to the house, trying to forget my troubles. The whole place was deathly silent, even though my mind was buzzing tiredly, keeping me awake. My list of troubles, seemingly magnified by the short and awkward conversation I had with Draco seemed to fill up my head.
One, Draco was far too friendly with me, and vice versa. He was my enemy, my sort of attacker. He was a Dark Wizard, a toerag. I shouldn't have felt comfort in his arms, no security. If I got even friendlier with him, and the Order found out…with a quiet groan, I turned and sank into my ball of misery in front of the sink. I knew that he was both truly evil and trying to get information out of me, or he was lonely. Both of those reasons would make him care enough about me to try to comfort me.
Two, the whole werewolf thing hadn't just disappeared. I was normal less than a week ago, happy, slightly bored, but I was free. I had a boyfriend, a driver's license, a life. I was almost a high school graduate. I had gone from studying to spying. A major WTF life changing moment for anyone. I still couldn't grasp the fact that magic existed, and that it was technically in me. I had made a hard, scary choice, to cement myself as someone the Order could trust, and to mess with Kingsley. The only way I could make myself go through with it was to tell myself I wasn't worth those potions. I still didn't know if I was right or wrong. I knew that Lupin deserved them more, but was I really worthless? Part of me said yes, part of me said no. But the more I thought about it, the less important I became, until I started to hate myself for what I was.
Three, I could die anytime I stepped inside the Ministry. Outside of Grimmauld Place, really, my new little prison. 4 floors, 3 and a half bath, filled with people who cared about me, but I didn't even know them, and vice versa. And not going to the Ministry wasn't an option. Yes, I was being whiny. Crying wouldn't get me anywhere, neither would praying, pleading, begging, or suicide. I had cowardly thought about each, especially the last one. It would do the Order a favor. How useful was I really? How long would I last in this world anyway? And if the Ministry was restored to the good wizards, what would happen to me? Suicide seemed to solve everything…
"Jenny?" Lupin's hoarse voice made my head snap up quickly. He still had his cloak on; he must have just gotten back from his angry stroll. "What are you still doing up?" He looked surprised as my heart hammered in my chest, he had scared me. I felt like a kid getting caught with my hand in the cookie jar. I knew that he couldn't tell what I had been thinking about, but my pulse was beating loudly in my ears just the same.
"I-I'm-couldn't sleep." I stammered finally, unsteadily bolting to my feet and hesitating stiffly by the counter, like a deer in headlights as Lupin grew more and more concerned with my appearance. I must be scaring him.
"Jenny, are you alright?" His concern made me want to scream. I wanted to confide, wanted to make friends, solve my problems; but I wanted my old life, no matter how much wanting it didn't matter anymore. And, he had just found out the major lie I had told that concerned him less than 3 hours ago. I didn't deserve his kindness. I didn't deserve his help, his concern.
"F-fine. Perfect, actually." I worked to control my stutter, to try to fool him. He didn't need my problems along with the responsibility and recourses I required by being here. Lupin crossed the room almost slow mow, and by the time he was too close to run away, I tried anyway, but he caught my arm. My reflexes were leaving me now too?
"Jenny, what happened to you?" He sounded too urgent, too confused to be real. "Jenny, sit down, here." He directed me easily to a chair and sat me down. "What's the matter, now?" he asked patiently, still seeming to be worried. The whole world seemed to be waving in front of me, almost hypnotic, even though Lupin's face stayed still.
"I'm a fool, a coward, a pathetic whiny recourse sucking-" I started to whisper, despite my best try of sitting silent. It was the look on his face that made me break. He had looked so…interested and concerned, like I was his child. He looked like my father.
"Whoa, whoa. Jenny, what are you talking about?" Lupin interrupted, looking almost afraid now, but I continued.
"I'm weak, useless. How much can I really help the Order without hurting them along the way? I'm a hassle, a chore. The secret you have to protect. I don't want to be here, it isn't right. But where can I go, what can I do? Nothing. I have no options, this spying thing isn't a option. And when your war is over, what will I be used for? Nothing. I'd be better off just offing myself to-"
"Jenny!" Lupin raised his voice, finally getting my attention. I had been staring blankly across the kitchen, basically ranting for all I was worth. The injustice made me want to…want to what? What could I do? Nothing. "Jenny, you listen to me. You have every right to feel this way, to want what you had. But don't go down this road. I grew up with this…change, and I'm still not used to it. Yes, it will take a toll on you, especially because it's all you have, but despite what it may seem, you are loved here." I shook my head lightly, in a slight daze yet, and he sighed. "Jenny, you are the strongest person I know, Muggle or not. No one expected you to survive the change, and if you did, no one expected you to stay within your same personality, not even me. I barely did it with one bite, you had four. Don't second guess yourself, things will get better." He was looking at me almost pleadingly, but I couldn't understand his alarm at my reaction. "And suicide is not and never will be an option for you, Jenny Quinty." Oh…that's why he was so upset.
"I'm sorry." I whispered finally, lightly tracing the bite on my neck. Lupin watched me carefully.
"Merlin, Jenny, please don't do that again. You scared me." Lupin said thankfully, pulling me out of the kitchen chair and hugging me almost gratefully. I felt a sharp pang of guilt. I was his one companion at the Order who knew what the transformations were like, it would have been so selfish to remove that from him. Suddenly, I was hugging him back with everything I had.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Lupin, I'm sorry." I whispered quickly, and for the first time since I had been here, I felt accepted, needed. Loved. I felt petty and selfish for wanting that feeling, even though I knew that the loneliness for my family would never disappear; it would never be completely filled. I also knew that these feelings would probably come back unless I safeguarded Lupin further. "Promise me something," I whispered, and he pulled back, looking cautious, but agreed. "If I ever catch you following me as a wolf, and I attack you, you have to promise me that you'll fight me off, kill me if you have to." Lupin started shaking his head, but I plowed on, voice growing from its whisper to almost a murmur. "Scare me away, hurt me; just make me know that I shouldn't cross paths with you again, no matter what it takes."
"I couldn't, I wouldn't. It wouldn't be fair, you won't know who you are, who I am-" Lupin started, and I realized he must have thought of this before. I cut him off anyway.
"Lupin, I know now that I am worth something here, but you are worth much, much more. Think of it as tough love." I insisted, taking his hands and squeezing them, to keep his attention. "You have to, and you know it. You know that I won't show any lenience to you, so it should be the same." I could tell that the effect of my words was starting to get to him.
"I told myself I wouldn't, but…if ever the time comes, I'll hesitate, but I'll drive you off." He sounded displeased, but in a depressing way that made me want to take back what I had said, but I needed the security for him. For myself.
"Whatever it takes." I added as forcefully as my emotionally and physically tired body would allow, and he nodded, looking at our hands. "Thank you, Lupin, for everything." I said, and as he stood up, I did too.
"I hate to worry you…but I don't want you to be taken off guard by Kingsley again. The full moon is in two weeks." He said flatly, and after a brief moment of intense horror, I sighed and rubbed my temples.
"Bring it on," I said quietly, and Lupin chuckled.
Draco
9/3/10
3:02 a.m.
Finally, the idea came, and I felt stupid for not thinking of it before, considering I was trying to use Jenny's strategy of 'playing by your strengths' to my advantage. I could use my potion making ability to make the Wolfsbane Potion for her. So that she wouldn't have to lose her mind every month, so she wouldn't have to get hurt. I could make other potions for the Order as well, Polyjuice, Healing, Blood Replenishing…I could make every potion I ever tried, almost as good as Granger.
And if they didn't believe my intentions….the only way I could think of clearing my name fully to the Order was to let them use Veratisereum. It seemed like an intensely stupid idea, and I disliked it, but they wouldn't believe me any other way.
I had to stay focused. I tried telling myself that I shouldn't base my desire to help the Order and get out of their attic only on this girl, but I knew that was a lie. It was unwise to like her, care for her, but I couldn't see things any other way.