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It's The Fear

I fear who I am becoming,

I feel that I am losing the struggle within.

I can no longer restrain it,

My strength it is fading,

I have to give in.

Jenny

9/16/10

4:25 p.m.

Despite the lingering threat of Kingsley destroying everything that had built up around me, my days leading up to the full moon had been some of the happiest I had ever had in Grimmauld Place. Even though Draco insisted that we could be together, I kept denying him, and got more and more introverted as the full moon came closer and closer. Every night, I would sit on the front step, still within the protective barriers of Grimmauld Place and watch the moon get larger and larger. Death Eaters watched the place where Grimmauld Place would have been from across the street with dark faces, and I watched them in between watching the moon.

Draco, after finally opening up to me more, had worked like a madman, preparing potions of all kinds, healing potions, large stocks of the tea that helped with stiffness, and of course, the Wolfsbane Potion. But it was too little too late, the potion needed another week and six days, and the moon would come in two hours or so. To avoid his self-fury and pleas to take a Wolfsbane Potion, I had escaped to the attic, lying on the floor, trying to pinpoint each second of a transformation, trying to find the point where I lost who I was. First, the shock of the moonlight, then the ice cold pricking of every cell in the body. The fear dimming away as your body elongates, humps and stretches, busting through clothing. Somewhere in there, you lost yourself to the wolf.

"Jenny…are you ready to leave?" Lupin asked almost reluctantly from the doorway, and I sat up, trying to smile but failing miserably. I didn't answer him, just got up and followed him downstairs. Draco was waiting, anxiously tapping his foot on the floor by the door. He looked tortured; absolutely miserable. I picked up my bag with the change of clothes, and put on my boots, then my coat. Only when I faced the door did I drop my bag and hug Draco back when he wrapped me securely in his arms. I wanted to give in to him, to agree for us to be closer, but every time he reminded me of Brian, I felt like a dirty whore going after another guy so quickly.

"See you tomorrow." He said, keeping our promise not to tell each other to stay safe; that was out the window already. I smiled and lightly kissed his cheek before one last quick hug. Then I was out the door and Apparating with Lupin to the forest I remembered. He left me in the clearing with a quick hug and the growing darkness. Once it got completely dark, I stripped down, then folded the clothes and put them in the bag too. I didn't want to shred them. Then I sat in the center of the clearing, thinking about Ron, Hermione, Harry, the twins, all the Aurors at the Order of the Phoenix, the Weasley's, and finally…Draco and Brian. As soon as I thought about them, bits of moonlight started to break through the clouds, touching the ground a few feet away. I watched that moonlight, watched it get closer and closer until its icy coldness touched my skin.

…

I greeted the moon again, howling gratefully to it, feeling alive. The forest welcomed me back like an old friend, and I could smell where I had been last. Other scents and smells mixed into the dark bracken that I bounded through, thinking less about the moon this time, and more on my boundaries. These were my woods to protect. I started rubbing against trees, leaving fur and scent to scare creatures away. I was scenting another tree when a scent came across the breeze, making me crouch and listen, sniffing the air. It was another wolf. I silently started to stalk it, finding paw prints. I was determined to find it and get it out of my space. Standing on the top of a tiny cliff, I could see it lapping at a stream with its back to me.

Springing, I tackled the other wolf and when it wiggled away in surprise, I growled fiercely at it. It was definitely a male, but not mating material. He had strong muscles and sharp teeth, but his short brown hair was getting silver patches in it, showing that he was old, weak. It just watched me, looking desperate and yipped quietly, holding its head low, but not backing off like I wanted him to. I jumped him again, and we tumbled down the stream, biting and scratching. Every time he tried to pull away, it made me angrier. Suddenly, he started to really fight back, and my fur tingled at the thought of a challenge, it made me happy. Maybe he could prove himself worthy enough to be a companion.

His moves were unexpected, but they wouldn't hurt me. So he was playing with me? I'd show him, show him who was dominant here. Growling, teeth bared, I faked him out and bit his leg, but in a move that stunned me, he kicked out, sending me barreling down the ravine, yelping in pain when something in my front leg broke. The wolf cautiously poked his head around the corner of a rock, and I snarled at him, getting up but holding my hurt arm up. I'd show him, this was my territory, I wasn't about to let it go without a fight. The wolf bolted, and I gave chase, bounding easily on his tail, even with three legs. I wanted to use all four to catch him, so I did.

As soon as I set the foot down, something else cracked, making my paws tangle together and I rolled off into the trees, down a steep hill, crashing against boulders and fallen trees until I flopped down into a tiny clearing. My roll finally finished, and suddenly, I was howling in agony, my paw caught in something sharp and crushing, holding my already hurt paw tight as something crunched. I sniffed it cautiously, winded and now bleeding. It smelt like humans, and it wouldn't come off. I licked continuously at my wound as it bled heavily until I was sleepy again, the rolling waves of pain helping me fall into sleep, the other wolf and my territory forgotten…

…

I woke up gasping for air. I was in a weird position, my right arm sticking out awkwardly next to my face, and as my vision focused, I could see that it was stained red. Red? I went to sit up and screamed. My ribs were throbbing enough to make me move a scratched and sore left arm to feel with trembling fingers around them, and I felt something pushing against the surface of my skin, and I knew it was a rib. I looked up farther, and knew my arm was broken, two white bone tips were sticking out of different parts of my arm, and my right wrist was stuck in a bear trap of all things. I didn't try to move it, at least not yet, anyway. Instead, I tried to remember what had happened last night that made me injured so gravely. Blood was still slowly falling off of my fingertips into a disturbingly large pool of blood, I had broken bones... I knew I had fallen down a steep decline, and I had been chasing something…

The older, stronger male, with the brown hair with silver patches…

No, god no! I had attacked Lupin. I had attacked him, my father figure, my friend. The only one who knew what it was like for me. Was he hurt as bad as me? Was he dead?

My thoughts tortured me as I listened carefully, not daring to move after trying a second time and almost blacked out from the pain. My wrist was almost flattened by the trap, and I couldn't move because of my ribs to find the release. Even if I did find it, I wouldn't be able to force it down enough, I didn't have the strength. So I was forced to wait, listening hopefully and tearfully for Lupin, to know that I hadn't killed him. In the mean time, I checked over the parts of my body I could see for other injuries, and saw tons of new bites, but bigger ones, actual wolf ones, along with huge sets of scratches definitely made by claws. I filled with self hate. This had been the last time I would go without the Wolfsbane Potion, and I attacked Lupin. Why? I had been so, so close to never having this problem.

I thought of Draco, of everyone at the Order as the sun rose higher in the sky and as my spirits and energy sank lower. I had promised to see him in the morning. What if Lupin was dead, how would I ever get back? I knew the answer; I wouldn't, at least, not in time. I could feel the brokenness inside to know that I wasn't just bleeding onto the forest floor. Even if the Order members came, they could do much if I was dead. The clearing seemed to shimmer as the sun rose higher. My rib was slowly sliding forward, threatening to push through my skin and making me pant when it shot pain to my head, making me dizzy.

I think I slept for awhile. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. It was hard to tell.

Finally, I thought I heard something running through the woods, a quiet noise that was getting louder and louder, and it sounded frantic. My head felt hot as the sound reached my pounding ears. "JENNY!" A hoarse voice was bellowing over and over again, and it clicked in my brain that it was Lupin, he was alive! I raised my head and blearily took in the edges of my vision. He sounded like he was getting closer. "Jenny, where are you?" He called, sounding distraught, tortured.

"Lupin," I whispered, meaning to yell his name, but the dryness of my voice from all the howling the night before ruined my plan. "Lupin," I croaked at a normal voice level, unable to move or make much noise other than that. I heard him limping closer, following the tracks, and then the skid marks. I heard him stop, and I knew this was it, either he heard me, or I'd surely never be found. "Lupin?" I called fuzzily, my voice cracking, and I heard him swear, then he was skidding down the ravine. I closed my eyes, feeling like I was floating as I heard him running over.

"Jenny! Jenny, Jenny, look at me right now!" Lupin was suddenly next to me, calling me, and I made myself open my eyes and meet his gaze. His face was unfocused and misting around the edges as he held up my head.

"Lupin," I breathed almost silently as I saw him draw his wand with a trembling hand. "I'm…sorry." I apologized as he moved around me to the trap. After a agonizing moment and a sick screech of metal on bone, the trap freed my wrist, and it fell, sending pain zinging up my broken arm, making me choke.

"Jenny, hold on, alright? This will hurt a little," His voice was trembling more so than his hands, and my wrist setting made me whimper when I didn't want to scream. "Almost there, Jenny, I'm almost done," Lupin sounded like he was convincing himself more than me, and he pointed his wand at my arm.

I screamed, I couldn't help it, and my ribs cracked further from the expansion of my lungs, making me stiffen and start to feel cold, the scream abruptly stopping. I could feel where it pushed through the skin, and a sudden warmth blossomed around my stomach, and I could hear the blood starting to pool already. I could feel blood coming up my throat too, staining my lips red, the disgusting taste filling my mouth. All the blood I had been bleeding out inside was finally coming out as I gasped for air with difficulty. Suddenly, I was biting back a scream with a whimper as he fixed my ribs, then moved down to one of my feet, fixing something down there with a sick snap. I was too far gone to react to the pain.

"Jenny, look at me." Lupin's voice was suddenly back, and his face flickered as I opened my fluttering lids. "Jenny, are you hurt anywhere else?" He looked like something inside him had been destroyed, he looked so tormented. I felt my face twist as I knew that I was responsible for what died inside him. I had made him promise. He hadn't hurt me that much, but he would take responsibility for everything.

"My heart is breaking," I whispered, feeling delirious as I started to feel tears snaking down my face, stinging in cuts I couldn't imagine yet. I hurt everywhere, it made me want to almost throw up or pass out, but I gave myself another option-to stay with Lupin, stay awake at least until everyone could see that I was alright. "Lupin, I hurt you," I gasped as he picked me up effortlessly, despite the fact that I knew I had bit and scratched him for all I was worth.

"Jenny, I hurt you so much more." He Apparated to the clearing, and wrapped me up in a blanket.

"I'm a monster," I whispered as I saw a huge scratch almost outlining his collarbone, and it disappeared inside his shirt. He Apparated without answering, and as soon as he shut the door to Grimmauld Place, he was shouting.

"We need help!" he bellowed to the seemingly empty house. "Someone call Madam Pompfrey, now!" His voice was terrible as he ascended the steps as people burst from doorways as he made it to the landing.

"Oh, Merlin," I heard Tonks cry out when she saw us, and Lupin kicked open the door to my room without waiting for someone to open it. Someone pulled back the bed-covers, and that's when I realized the world was like a slide show. My lids were fluttering out of my control, and with each blink, I felt myself losing the battle to stay awake. I heard feet flying down the stairs and bursting into the room. Then a hand was shaking, but tenderly stroking the side of my face.

I finally registered that Draco was next to me, looking down at me. I knew this would kill him, he would hate himself forever now. "Out of my way!" I heard Madam Pompfrey snap suddenly, and he vanished. "I set the breaks, but I didn't trust myself to heal them," I barely heard Lupin say. I heard a sigh, and then a warm but bony hand pulled out the arm that had been caught, and I cried out quietly, finally controlling my eyes to keep them open. Madam Pompfrey muttered something, and I choked silently, a gentle set of hands holding me lightly still as I arched and tensed up. It felt like my arm was being beaten repeatedly. My voice couldn't project anymore, and that's what was killing me. It hurt more than when Lupin had set them in the woods. The combined pain from what I had done and my body made the moment unbearable.

I could see Draco a ways down the bed, watching me with a horrified, hurt expression, and I couldn't say anything to him. The world seemed to have gone silent as our eyes locked. I remembered the determination I had always seen from him, and I fought down my last bit of resolve and used it to meet his gaze that way as best as I could. I felt Madam Pompfrey's wand tip on my wrist, and his gaze vanished as my eyes closed and my body bucked weakly and twisted slowly and fruitlessly in someone's grasp as my wrist began to expand to its normal shape again. "Dra-co-" My throat managed to whisper out quietly, painfully too. Not a moment afterwards, two strong hands had captured my free, uninjured shaking hand, and gave it a gentle squeeze. My wrist stopped hurting, I could give in now, it was over…