A/N: This Part Five of Chapter Four of Thieves in Time. Things begin to come apart, as the Liberator approaches its showdown at Star One. Blake makes a decision that haunts Avon for years to come.
This is a long chapter, but it just wouldn't break! Warning: mature content! Warning: mature content!
The usual disclaimer: I own nothing of Blake's Seven. I just enjoy messing with their lives.
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"I can't believe you really mean to do it, Blake!" Avon tried to protest, as they talked in private. "Surely you know what will happen when Star One no longer functions?"
"Of course I do," he said angrily, "but I see no other choice. Star One must be destroyed."
"And don't you even care about all those who will die as a result of the destruction?" Avon pursued his line of reasoning, hoping to convince the man to stop his path to destruction.
"Yes, but somehow I didn't think you did, after all the things you've said." Blake looked at him intently, trying to fit the pieces of the puzzle together into a recognizable picture.
"Perhaps it's contagious, then." Avon spun on his heel, turning away from his leader and lover. "I find myself caring more and more these days. It's not something I've ever recognized in myself. I'm sure it's due mainly to your influence. I don't know whether to thank you or push you out the nearest airlock and be done with it."
Blake cocked his head, smiling indulgently at him. "I've given you a cause, Avon, something to fight for. Surely that is reason enough for a little gratitude, if nothing else."
Avon turned stiffly, planting his fists on his hips. His face darkened, eyes smoldering. "Nothing else? What do you call what I've been giving you for the past two years? That was not gratitude!"
Calmly, Blake asked, "Then what was it, Avon? Not love…surely?"
He didn't answer, merely stood glaring for several seconds, not having enough strength to deny what they both knew to be fact.
Blake chuckled softly. "So, you do love me, don't you, Avon?"
His reply came grudgingly, as though pried out of him. "I have…very strong feelings for you, Blake. You know that's as far as I will go, even for you."
"Strong feelings? That could be love…or hate. Which is it?" he demanded, feeling the room growing unaccountably warmer.
"If you don't know, then I'm certainly not going to enlighten you at this late stage in our game." Avon's bitterness made Blake want to hold him, to protect him from what was coming, but he restrained himself. He had to play the game to its conclusion, not let himself be swayed by this frustrating, beautiful, brilliant man.
Blake lifted his eyebrows in query. He had to know how far Avon would go, what he was willing to do. He demanded, "Then you will support me in this?"
"Do I have a choice?" Avon barely managed to whisper, head bowed, before Blake pulled him close and kissed away any further protest.
They fell together onto Blake's bed, grasping at clothes, reaching for each other in desperation.
Oh, yes, Avon. I think it's all coming to the final play. I just wish there were some other way. If I could have ended it without hurting you, I would have done. Blake's thoughts turned to other things as he sought Avon's lips with his own.
Several minutes passed as mutual passion claimed them. Then, without warning, Blake flipped Avon onto his stomach and began nipping softly at the back of his neck.
Moaning, Avon allowed it, then abruptly realized just what his lover was about, as he felt Blake's full weight settling over him.
"No!" he tried to protest, but Blake reached around, kissing away the rest of the words.
"It's all right, Avon," he soothed, his voice low, rumbling into Avon's back like a cat's purr. "I need you so very much…"
Lulled by Blake's voice, Avon didn't seem to understand what was happening until he felt the penetration, the cruel invasion of that part of himself he'd sworn never to give to anyone again.
"No, Blake, PLEASE…" he cried in anguish.
"Avon, don't make me stop, not now…" Blake gasped as he thrust deeper.
"Don't do this to me," Avon whimpered into the pillow, tears staining it. "You can't…" He gave up then, hating Blake for what he was doing but hating himself even more for his weakness in allowing it.
Further protestations went unheeded as Blake rode the cresting waves to completion, then collapsed onto Avon.
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Later, as Blake lay on his back, staring at the ceiling and listening to the soft breathing of the man asleep at his side, he thought, I never meant for this to happen, Avon. I have to end it before it goes so far that neither one of us will ever be free again. He reached out and stroked the bare back, the soft brown hair.
Avon stirred and rolled over to face him. "Blake." He whispered the name, but said nothing more. His eyes were soft with sleep, his face, too, trusting, if that was possible, unmasked by its usual cynicism.
"Avon, I…need to tell you something…and it won't be easy for you. It's going to be even harder for me…"
The tech rose up on one elbow, intrigued yet afraid. "What is it?"
Blake drew in a very deep breath, attempting to compose the words that he must say, knowing they would very likely have an effect not just on this man but on the entire crew, perhaps even the very cause they were fighting for. "It's about us, Avon." The mask slid into smoothly place. Blake tried to suppress a painful tightening in his gut. He had to do this. It didn't matter how he felt about Avon. It didn't.
Kerr Avon knew now, without being told, what would come next. He'd guessed for some time that Blake would have to end their relationship eventually but had hoped he would be able to prevent it, talk him out of it somehow. He knew he was in love with this charismatic figure, knew Blake had managed to cast a terrible spell over him. He refused to believe that their leader would push him aside now, after what they had shared over the past two standard years. If it did happen, he wondered, what would HE do without the leadership of the tall, curly-haired rebel? Without the warmth, the glow he seemed to have that bathed them all, but him especially. And, what would he do without the love they'd shared?
"Please, Roj…don't…" He hated himself for begging, for sounding needy like that.
"It's necessary, Avon, and we both know it, have known it since the beginning."
Avon rolled over onto his back, eyes closed. "I assume you're attempting to tell me it's over between us?" He tried very hard to keep his voice steady.
Blake didn't respond immediately, gazing at Avon, his soul demanding that he turn back, make things right between them. But Blake's mistress, the one he'd always followed without question before this, would have none of it. This was the way it had to be. He nodded his acceptance of her order. "I...yes, Avon, I'm afraid that is what I'm doing."
His eyes popped open, the warm brown turned to black. "Why?" he demanded. Will I get the truth or will you lie to me like so many others? Avon steeled himself, waiting for the answer.
Those great shoulders shrugged helplessly. "There isn't enough room in my life or my heart for what we've had. You must have realized that from the beginning. The fight for freedom must be the most important thing. It has been, or was, until I met you."
"And you want to be free…of me…is that it?"
"I have to be." He pleaded silently with Avon to understand, to not make this harder than it already was.
"And I can no longer share that space in your heart?"
"No."
"I love you, too." Avon said bitterly.
Then I'll have to make you hate me. It's the only way out of this, Blake thought. "You don't know what I've done to you, do you?"
"Oh, I know very well." Avon's beautiful voice dripped acid. "You seduced me quite nicely, stole my affection, made me…fall in love…with you. Is that what you wanted to hear, Blake? Is it?"
He shook his head sadly. "No, not even if it's the truth. But there's more to it than that."
"More?" Avon's brow furrowed in thought. What more could there be? He felt an icy finger of apprehension run down his spine, but repressed the shiver.
"I'm afraid I have a confession to make, Kerr Avon, one you won't want to hear but you will listen, even if I have to restrain you."
"A confession…do go on, Blake." The cold sarcastic tone was the one heard on the flight deck, in front of others. The voice he had saved for Blake alone, that would never be heard again.
"I used you, Avon. Pure and simple."
"Used me?"
"I needed you, your skills, your calculating manner, your lack of emotion. All the things I couldn't be, you were. Together, we had a chance of success, or at least that's what I thought at the beginning. I just didn't count on your falling for me the way you did." Nor on my falling for you the same way.
"Your ego is showing, Blake."
"I'm only repeating what you said to me. Look, Avon, if I must be blunt about this, then I will be. I set out to pull you in so deeply that you would not want to leave, no…so you couldn't leave. Not just me but the whole fight for galactic freedom."
"I don't give a damn about galactic freedom, Blake!" he spat.
"I know that, and that's why we have to end it, here and now. I care more about that cause than I do…about you." There, he'd said it, and if it hurt his lover, then so be it. It had to be said.
Avon swallowed the lump in his throat. "If that's the way you feel about it, then I believe it's time I got dressed and returned to my own quarters."
"You do that."
The tech rose from the bed, gathering up his clothing and the few belongings that had collected over the last two years. Dressed, he headed across the room, pausing in the entrance. "I am confused about something, Blake."
"Yes?"
"You said you set out to make me…fall for you, yet when I obviously did, you pushed me away. There's something faulty in your reasoning. It doesn't make any sense. Why did you do it? Can you answer me that?"
"Avon, if I could, then all this would have been unnecessary." Blake lay on his back, refusing to meet the other man's eyes.
"Then, there is only one other thing that needs to be said."
"And that is?"
"I want this ship, Blake."
Now Blake did turn over and face him. "You mean if you can't have me, you'll take the Liberator?"
"Yes."
"It'll make for a cold and lonely bed, Avon."
"Possibly. But in any case, I'll deal with it."
Blake sat us, pulled on his robe and stood. "Avon, there's too much passion in you to settle for a solitary life. You may not even admit it to yourself, but I've known you better than anyone for the past two years. The fire in you won't stay smoldering for long before it blazes up again. I just wonder who'll be consumed when it does."
"There's no fire left, Blake. It's all turned to ice now, thanks to you."
With those words, Avon turned and left Blake's bed and his quarters, never to grace either of them again.
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Avon paced the deck, then bent over Blake's shoulder. "One clue," he said. "Just one. And we have got it. Why are you listening to this drivel, Blake? We can take Star One. Let's get on with it!"
"Very stirring," Jenna interjected. "When did you become a believer, Avon?"
The tech glared first at her, then at Blake. "Are you just going to sit there? You have led THEM by the nose before."
Blake turned slightly. "Excuse me, Avon, are you going to answer her question? Are you a believer now?"
Avon favoured his former lover with an icy stare, waiting for him to continue.
"I meant what I said on Goth, Avon. We are not going to use Star One, we are going to destroy it!"
"I never doubted it," Avon informed him coldly. "I never doubted your fanaticism." He stood straight, not looking at anyone for a moment, then leaned over Blake again. "As far as I am concerned, you can destroy whatever you like. You can wade in blood up to your armpits. You can lead the rabble to victory, whatever that might mean." He hesitated as Blake turned and looked at him. "Just so long as there is an END to it. When Star One is gone, it is finished, Blake. And…I…want…it…finished." Avon's voice dropped to a barely audible whisper. "I want it over and done with. I want to be free."
"But you are free, Avon," Cally reminded him, tilting her head in puzzlement.
The tech's eyes narrowed as he walked away from Blake. "No…I want to be free…" he turned back, "…of him!"
Blake's expression never changed. "I never realized," he said. Yes I did, but that's just between the two of us. "You really do hate me, don't you?"
Avon ignored the obvious answer. "When we have dealt with Star One," he continued, "I will take you back to Earth, and then the Liberator is mine. Agreed?"
A slight nod from their leader. "Agreed. Assuming the others go along with it."
Avon moved away, towards his station, ignoring the others' comments, Blake's question still echoing in his mind: 'You really do hate me, don't you?' He watched as Blake stood and met his eyes. Oh, if only I could, Blake, if only I could.
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"I gave him my word," Avon stated matter-of-factly.
"To fight off that fleet until the Federation gets here?" Vila asked, wondering if he'd heard correctly.
"Because that is what I promised," Avon said stonily.
"But why, Avon?" Jenna asked.
Avon's gaze never wavered as he shrugged. "Why not?"
Vila primed the weapons system as they waited for the precise moment to act.
"Zen, put up the force wall." Avon ordered.
Blake chose that moment to appear at the entrance to the flight deck, pale and weak.
"Why didn't you stay in the medical unit?" Avon berated him. "Couldn't you bring yourself to trust me, just this once?"
The rebel lowered his eyes. "I thought I might be able to help."
"In that condition?" Avon sneered.
"All right then, I'll go back."
"Can you manage?" Avon asked him, then added, "…alone?"
"Yes," Blake replied and at that moment, there was no one in the universe but the two of them. He had to say something, something that might, just might, make things better for the man he loved. "Avon, for what it's worth, I have always trusted you…from the very beginning." And with that pronouncement, Roj Blake turned away and left Avon to carry a burden never asked for and never wanted. Blake only hoped the man would be strong enough.
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EPILOGUE:
Avon's head was pounding from lack of sleep. It had been a year since he'd parted with Blake and thirty-six hours since he'd received the message. He rubbed the bridge of his nose, starting when Vila came up close behind him.
"You all right, Avon?" he asked, worry evident in his words and in he eyes. He knew Avon was past being tired and was holding on only by a thread of iron will.
"No, I am not all right," he admitted. This was Vila, after all. Vila knew him like no one else could. And he had to share at least this part of his burden with someone.
Vila dared to place a comforting hand on Avon's black-clad arm. He'd do anything for this man, but a little comforting was the most he could offer without being outright rejected. He'd watched Avon bend to the point of breaking, trying to carry the burden of Blake's Cause, and hadn't been able to stop him. So he gave whatever he could, whenever he could, offering his strength to Avon. "Then, are you ready to tell me what's going on?"
Avon's head came up, heavily, like a wounded beast. "I'll tell you, Vila, but no one else."
"Tell me what?"
"I've received a message from Blake…I think."
"Is that what all this is about?" Damn! Would the man never be out of their lives?
"I'm going after him." Avon's voice was almost a whisper, like a prayer in a chapel.
"Why?" Vila cried. He'd seen what Blake had done to his friend. Why would Avon even want to find him? "After all this time? It's been a whole year!"
"Jealous, Vila?" A smile tugged minutely at Avon's sculptured lips.
That almost-smile tugged at Vila's heart. In the back of his mind, a long-ago-Avon laughed and teased and smiled, unknowing of the dark future that awaited him, where even an almost-smile was cause for Vila to rejoice. But Blake…Blake had been their leader. Had been the warmth that kept the crew together. Had been Avon's lover. "I might be," he admitted, sucking in his lower lip and ducking his head a trifle.
"There's no need."
"Why, then?" Vila demanded, looking up, more concerned now than ever.
"There are things I never had the chance to say to him." Darkness swirled beneath the surface of Avon's brown eyes and his shoulders slumped. He wanted Vila to understand, but couldn't find the words to convince him.
"Then I hope you get your chance, Avon." Vila turned and fled the flight deck.
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He was my strongest weakness, I surrendered heart and soul
Gonna be a long, long time, before I regain control.
I'm still a prisoner, held captive by his memory,
He was my strongest weakness, and I'm afraid he'll always be.
My Strongest Weakness by Winona Judd
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A/N: Has Vila finally given up on Avon? Stay tuned for the next story, Encounter With Violence. I wish I could up the Mature rating for it, but Mature is as high as it goes.
Reviews would be welcome!