Ninja Chef Naruto
By ______
Chapter Five: Karaage With Ramen
#Still In The Tower Of Death#
"(cough) And now if everyone to advan(cough)ce will please come down h(cough)ere. We'll be drawing (cough) lots."
The genin grumbled a bit but complied anyway, each forming a line and drawing a ball out of a box. Kakashi drew the last sphere in Sasuke's stead, Ryouga getting regulated to whatever spot was left.
"Very well. The first round will run Sasuke vs. Kankuro, Vivi vs. Kin, Shikamaru vs. Shinji, Zaku vs. Hinata, Generic vs. Ryouga, and Rei vs. Hotcha. The winner among the first four will fight one fewer battles than the winner among the later eight. You should all know..." The Hokage declared, stepping back into the spotlight with another speech of inspiration about representing the villages and replacing war and all that other stuff aged peace-mongers talk about before at long, boring speech last, "...so you must train hard over the course of the coming month. All of the Elemental Countries will be watching you. Dismissed."
The victorious genin all moved to stand by their respective jounin-sensei, trying to get their training planned and started as soon as possible.
In particular, Kin latched onto her sensei, grabbing the befuddled jounin before he could gather his wits. According to the young kunoichi's guide to seduction and romance, someone as dense as sensei was required quite a bit of overt flirting and positive physical contact before the idea would even sink in and since he finally started reacting to it like he was suppose to, she couldn't give him a chance to think or he'd immediately regress. Besides that confused, panicked look he got every time was so cute. Almost like he thought he had to suppress his reaction or she'd pound him. Well, if that was the case, no telling with sensei after all, she'd just have to prove that idea wrong.
For his part Naruto had already forgotten the revelation that Kin was a pervert. Seeing her beat up a leaf-nin for glimpsing her panties had dissuaded him of that idea, thank you very much, and so he was trying his hardest to ignore her like he did in the past. If only he had cooked something recently he'd be able to focus on revising the recipe instead how nice... No, no, think of something else.
Behind them Hinata simmered in a rage previously unknown to her. If it wasn't so obvious that the orange-haired vision of perfection was nervous about how his genin was clinging to him, it might have been overwhelming despair or listless hopelessness, but as it was she took the opportunity to cram and concentrate everything unfair, cruel and wrong in life and embody all of it in the long-haired Oto-nin trying to throw herself at Hinata's One True Love. Though she was still meek and uncertain about everything else, she knew and recognized that this could be the turning point. If she could just manage to defeat the horrible, crass and, and loose ...concubine attempting to steal what was rightfully hers then everything, everythingin her life could be conquered and set right. No, if she could manage it, everything else would just fall into place. Besides, the first word in Hinata's One True Love should say all that mattered on the subject. Hinata's. Hers...
And coherent thought faded into a rosy fantasy of how her life was going to be.
#Medical Bay: Examination Room#
"If I didn't have his record on hand, I'd say there was nothing wrong here. His chakra coil is a bit underdeveloped for a genin, true, but it's producing about the amount you'd expect it to. Hell, maybe the spare chakra from opening the gates so frequently finally kick-started the damn thing. In any case, there's absolutely nothing wrong with the boy. It might be some kind of miracle, but it doesn't seem to have left any adverse effects in it's passing. Congratulations, Mr. Rock Lee, you are now a perfectly average genin with monstrously over-trained taijutsu. Would you be willing to submit to a series of experiments?" A med-nin asked excitedly, rummaging through a file folder.
"Yosh! Most unfortunately I feel my flames of youth demanding I train to utilize my full potential as a genin least they be dampened. Though I may no longer be able to prove a splendid ninja despite a lack of chakra, I shall remain a genius of hard work!" The mini-green beast yelled, taking up an inspired and determined pose.
"Lee!"
"Gai-sensei!"
"Not in the medical bay!"
#Medical Bay: Room 417#
Hiashi stormed into the room in a fury of controlled and repressed anger. "Leave us." With the furor suppressed in those two words, the few nurses trying to ensure Neji's comfort fled. The noble moved to stand astride his clan's prodigy, laid out in a bed and mummified in bandages as his body was. The tiny, light touches of pink in his eyes were rapidly fading away. Good.
"Lord Hyuga..." The boy groaned, trying to move. He stilled with a single gesture.
"Neji, I was called when the medical staff noted an oddity with you eyes. Tell me, have you recently eaten anything odd, anything you didn't know the origin of?"
Neji swallowed nervously, Hiashi did not look happy. "I... There was some jerky Gai-sensei supplied us with. Said it was a gift from a youthful foreign jounin. What, what happened?"
"Your opponent awoke a rare kekkei genkai known as the Shikotsumyaku. By awakening it, his chakra network shifted itself to accommodate and created or opened new and lesser tenketsu, undoing the sealing you had performed upon him. As a result, various bones were ejected from his arms and impacted your unguarded back. Rare as it is that a kekkei genkai might awaken mid-combat, you should not have turned from a potential threat unless completely neutralized. For instance, a seal master can still activate any of their arrays with any part of their body they can send to chakra to." Hiashi then sighed, settling into a chair and suddenly looking far older than he had moments before. "But that is not why I am here. Neji, what do you know of the history of the caged-bird seal?"
"It was created before Konoha was formed. Every Hokage has protested it's existence but ultimately ended up allowing it to continue. Every generation it's applied at a younger age..." Neji recited back what little he knew about the mark on his forehead that wasn't likely to enrage his uncle.
Hiashi replied by taking on a slightly more weathered appearance with each fact listed. "Enough. I see that we no longer bother explaining the reason among the branch houses." The clanhead sighed, sitting slightly more rigid as he spoke again. "The purpose behind the caged-bird seal is to prevent the creation of another Madara Uchiha. To prevent another civil war between our own clansmen. As you must know, the Sharingan evolved from our Byakugan. What is a closely kept secret is how the new bloodline evolved. Originally, before any of the hidden villages came into being, our doujutsu was a far lesser power, being able to stun an enemy temporarily for an exorbitant amount of chakra per use. From there, we broke with the main clan and developed the Byakugan, forming our own clan. Eventually, as our numbers grew, some of those in the branch houses wished to distinguish themselves and so researched our past to discover how they might further evolve their doujutsu. They followed the rather simple practices listed but it wasn't until a trigger was discovered in life threatening combat that they had any success..."
"Lord Hyuga, why..." Neji broke in as Hiashi paused to gather himself.
"The method to build up enough power to evolve a kekkei genkai when encountering a situation able to trigger it is simple. Take in several times the chakra your body normally produces. Drained chakra doesn't work, as your body still recognizes it as foreign and refuses to integrate it with your chakra coils. Should the chakra be taken in through ingestion, however, the body can't tell the difference." Hiashi turned to face Neji directly now. "In other words, by eating something with large amounts of chakra infused in it..."
"But only a ninja would... Lord Hyuga, why are you telling me this?" Neji face turned an ashen green.
"Just recently your body was thrown into a life and death struggle by being impaled. As a result, your eyes turned a dark shade of pink for a few moments, slowly fading back to their natural shade. If I believed for even a moment you had intentionally..." Hiashi shook his head in a slow, dignified manner, refusing to show how distressed he truly was. "Fortunately, your own chakra reserves were large enough to dilute it and prevent drastic steps from being taken. You stumbled upon a very dangerous clan secret Neji, and not even I can protect you from it should any others of our clan learn of it." The noble sighed once more and withdrew a scroll from his sleeve, seeing the petulant look on his nephew's face. "Your father left this for you, before choosing to perform his duty. As the defiance that drove you to surpass Hinata will likely end up driving you to self-destruction, I suppose it is necessary that I pass it onto you now." The nobleman turned and left solemnly.
Neji took the scroll, staring at it in awe for a few moments. Then he processed his uncle's parting words and realized the man had been withholding it from him for years, just to make him hate the main house enough to surpass his own cousin, the man's own daughter, for no perceivable reason. That bastard!
#Medical Bay: Operating Room#
"Wow. Damn. So do we know what happened to her?"
"No idea. Her opponent didn't have a clue what was going on. From the description I'm guessing a gate opening technique."
Tenten drifted in a state of semi-conscious confusion. Was she dead? Why couldn't she feel anything? Whose voices were those?
"What kind of an idiot teaches a genin a gate opening technique?"
#Medical Bay: Examination Room#
"Gai-sensei!"
"L- Achoo!"
#Medical Bay: Operating Room#
"I don't know. But even then what kind of genin wastes it just to show off to future enemies?"
#Medical Bay: Examination Room#
"Gai-sensei? Are you -Achoo!"
#Medical Bay: Operating Room#
"Will you two shut up, this is serious."
"Phef, yeah right. Whatever burned the chakra system out of her arms and legs also burned the wounds closed. All that blood's just what was in the limbs at the time."
Alone in her void, Tenten felt a wave of unbearable dread sweep over her.
"He's right you know. All we have to do it make a few cut and wrap over the stumps. No way those are ever going to heal."
"We can probably save both shoulders and about the upper fifth of both thighs. Shame though, she would have been a cutie in a few years."
Panic filled the young kunoichi. Oh kami, they were talking about her, weren't they?
"Well alright then, let's get to work. Someone get the dress off her."
"Going after genin now?"
No! Not only was she paralyzed, crippled and lost in a void where only sound could reach her, but she was surrounded by perverts too!
"Well, I know usually we're proven wrong when we say this, either by Tsunade-hime, some new medical jutsu or just freaking inhuman determination, but this time I feel safe in saying this girl will never be a ninja again. Whose with me?"
"After we remove her arms and legs?"
No no no, stop! This was wrong! She was suppose to be a real kunoichi! She was suppose to follow in Tsunade-sama's footsteps! What was going to happen to her? All she knew about was ninja based. The future was suddenly a dark and uncertain place filled with terrors she was defenseless to face.
"I'm not taking that bet. She'll just learn some kind of way to fight without any limbs at all. Like, I don't know, a monstrously long tongue or some kind of weapon swallowing and spitting technique."
"Nah, I say the loss will prompt her to get super human chakra control that'll let her use basic gen and ninjutsu with her mind. From there she can just shunshin everywhere, throwing around low level attacks and creating all sort of havoc."
Huh. That actually sounded bearable. She wouldn't live up to her whole dream, but at least she'd be able to defend herself...
"Phef, you're both wrong. Obviously she'll become a seal-mistress. Then she won't even need to fight to reach the rank of jounin, her skills would just be too valuable and too in demand to be ignored. Fuinjutsu all the way."
"Well, you gonna betray me too?"
There was a lack of fuinjutsu specialists out there, wasn't there? Maybe there really was a niche for her to still fill.
"Huh... Uh, sure. I'll give it a shot. Let's see... She'll become an apprentice to four legendary ninja, one right after the other, eventually culminating in her being declared heir to some elderly, elite puppet-master from Suna who will not only build her replacement limbs that make her better, faster and stronger than she'd ever be when limited by flesh, but will also train her to build her own, leading her to advance the art to such a point that she become a kunoichi goddess proven to be capable of matching and defeating, say, a Mangekyo Sharingan wielder toe to toe."
Whoa, maybe it was the unending limbo talking here, but it almost sounded like losing her limbs was the best thing to ever happen to her.
"Ha ha ha! You almost had me going there. Beat a Mangekyo Sharingan, good one. Alright then, never fit for ninja duty again it is."
"Sure."
"Okay."
"Why not?"
"Just be sure to add some sort of 'no matter what' clause. The last thing we want is for her to have even the slightest bit of hope. Oh, by the way, did anyone sedate her yet?"
What! No! You can't give someone a vaulted dream like that and then spin it around to deny them any chance of it!
"Slipped my mind, but so what? I mean, no one's going to stay conscious with wounds like this. Hell, she's got to be out."
"Good point. Okay, I think we're done here. Have the nurses throw her off in some room until we sort through all the paperwork."
#Medical Bay: Room 513#
Orochimaru chuckled under his breath. Well, it was actually a giggle, but since the body he was wearing was trying to look male, we'll pretend it was a chuckle. It's only polite.
He had just acquired perhaps his greatest goal within Konohagakure, short of burning it to ashes while his sensei was forced to watch. Reject his prized student's affections would he... No, no, happy thoughts. After all, something wonderful had happened! He had gotten to give Sasuke a physical. True, he had technically just been standing off to one side taking notes as the med-nin he stole his face from was apparently an assistant, but he got to sit through the whole thing so it was all the same. Konoha was so paranoid about the foreign ninja cheating against the 'last' mainline Uchiha, ku ku ku. And to think he'd only hoped to get a few drops of blood off the Hyuga. Ku, he had a practical gallon. Who knew they all had a special blood type and couldn't use anyone else for transfusions? Certainly explained why so many of his creations died. If only he had studied this stuff at the hospital before trying to reproduce it from purely artificial means.
Oh well.
The snake was so overjoyed, in fact, that he was happy to run through the rest of the now deceased man-whose-face-he-was-wearing's schedule and not just to keep up appearances.
Which brought him to where he was standing, looking over the chart of a very damaged kunoichi. The entire situation reminded of when he had taken Anko on as an apprentice, except this girl's damage was physical not emotional. Both then and now he was in a rare, benevolent mood and so actually tried to do something nice for someone, in his own twisted way.
Hmm. Never to be considered a ninja again with a no matter what clause. Ku ku ku, well if it made Konoha look stupid, why not?
Taking out the training scrolls he always left for his apprentices to master in his absence so he could focus more on his experiments, he gently placed them on the bedside table where the girl was sure to find them.
With a quick set of hand-signs he dubbed the girl one of his apprentices, so that the scrolls wouldn't poison her on touch and left the room. After all, only those worthy deserved to know how to swallow an entire unsheathed zanbato or how to stretch their tongue up to three hundred meters. Such a shame he was wasting a set of these precious scrolls on another female after how ungrateful the first one had been. Honestly, such a fit just because he chose young Jiro-kun over her. Anko always was a jealous one.
And to think, Jiraiya and Tsunade took nearly a decade to turn out anything of quality from a single apprenticeship. They somehow made it seem that there was a degree of work involved on their part. Sad really, how self-absorbed some people could be.
A small part of the snake's mind wondered how long the laughing gas took to wear off.
#Roots Headquarters#
"So I was browsing through town and found this place. I even checked with that old guy who gave all those boring speeches, just to make sure. He didn't just say they don't officially exist, he actually offered a reward for every last one of these guys that we can prove we've... How'd he say it? Dealt with? So anyway, we don't just get a meal out of this, we get paid too. Weird eh?" Naruto led his team lazily down the ominous, dimly-lit hallway, his genin following just a step behind him. Well, Zaku and Dozu were anyway, Kin hadn't let go yet. "I figured, we need a good meal and a good test of your new abilities, so here we are."
Dozu and Zaku nodded at that wisdom, Kin just pouted. Breasts were nice and all, but they just didn't measure up to precognitive reflexes or super dense, unlimited bone weapons. If it wasn't for how much more flustered sensei was, she'd almost think she got completely gypped, as opposed to just mostly gypped.
The ominous hallway ended in an impressive, imposing door that stood nearly as grand and tall as the village gates. Kin pouted again as she detached from her sensei to let him draw his skillet.
Klonk. Thud. Once more proving its infinite usefulness, the skillet knocked the ostentatious doors off their hinges in a single blow.
"Lunch time. Let's see... today I'll teach you Ne-nin donburi with ramen, Ne-nin pan with ramen and Ne-nin karaage with ramen. We'll split up from here to gather ingredients so we don't start fights over who gets which this time." Dozu glared at Zaku as Naruto continued. "And don't forget to get a few spares in your storage scrolls, this might take a few tries to get right. Meet back here in... about forty minutes."
"Yes sensei." The three Oto-nin dutifully choired, each racing off to try and find the best quality available before the other two did.
Naruto chuckled, watching his pupils scatter through the catacombs. Ah, the memories this brought back. Nii-chan loved storming secret outposts. There was that one time, during the civil war in Kirigakure... Ah, so tasty... And there were six more sword guys just like him out there somewhere, minus the one he lost in Wave of course. Well, he certainly hoped there were still six of them, maybe he should get a newer bingo book to make sure.
As his mind drifted, the chef's body ran on auto-pilot, guiding him to the three strongest chakra signatures while brushing aside the pathetic attempts to stop him. Really, for an elite group there weren't very many of them and even fewer of them that had any degree of power at all. And a rather large portion of these nin had that accursed blank scent to them, effectively halving everything he reaped. At least now he knew better.
Finally he reached the end of the puny gauntlet, entering a wide, foreboding chamber where his targets were rallying the rest of the ninja. Drawing santoku in his left hand and casually spinning his skillet in his right he looked over the offerings before him. A one-armed, one-eyed, elderly invalid, a black haired boy who stank of ink so strongly it overpowered every other scent in the room and a blond idiot who seemed to be nodding about something. It was incredibly disappointing to realize the old guy had the strongest chakra between them all.
"So Orochimaru makes his move. Hmm. Unexpected, yes. Most unexpected. I would have thought his immense hatred would prompt him to attack the village recklessly, out in the open. It seems Sarutobi will not be the one to receive my parting gift for everything he has done against me." The old man muttered and mumbled as Naruto stepped forward, batting aside some drawings that chose to attack him.
The blond Ne-nin charged and fell in a gout of blood without the Oto-jounin even glancing his way.
"Donburi." The chef spoke, stepping over the body.
"Shin!" The ink-stinking one cried out, emotions running through him for what seemed the first time in his life. He cast his brush frantically across the page before him. And hit the ground as Naruto passed, similarly ignored.
"Pan." The feral-looking teenager now stood before the invalid elder. "And Karaage."
The old man smirked ghastly. "I recognize that chakra, diluted and warped as it is. At least I will do what even the Yondaime could not to protect our village. Die, Kyuubi." The retired shinobi forced his chakra into a single point within his own coils, intentionally rupturing them. His body burst into a minute explosion of energy that filled the chamber, setting off seals embedded within the wall. With the force of five hundred explosive seals the chamber was filled with destructive energy.
There was silence and stillness as the smoke cleared.
#Medical Bay Room 327#
Sasuke stood at one side of his lightly charred teammate's bed, awkwardly wondering just what he should do right now. He wasn't very good at this sort of thing, having focused most of his time into training either to be a ninja or to be the Uchiha clanhead. Both were important, hazardous and challenging jobs that had until recently taken up nearly every waking second of his thoughts in one way or another. Having now seen just how powerful and how abominable ninja were capable of becoming, some small part of his mind whined about wasting time here waiting for Sakura to wake up.
There were monsters out there, with seemingly unlimited strength and chakra, looking specifically to kill him whether because his Sharingan tasted god-mod good or simply because he was the Uchiha clanhead apparent and therefore an incredible war trophy. To think that at the Academy he had believed being a ninja was about prestige, a way of showing the world that near total destruction wasn't enough to keep the Uchiha down. That it was some sort of game won by becoming as legendary as possible as quickly as possible.
He had been a fool. Legendary ninja were the most hunted, either for the price on their heads or for the glory of being the one to kill them. And by being the 'last' Uchiha ninja, he had started out with an undue amount of fame, hailed as a prodigy. The reality of it was frightening to realize, he was nearly legendary, but didn't have anywhere near the necessary skills or power to back that fame up. Leaving him with just two options, develop the skills of a legendary shinobi before a truly skilled head hunter came along or perish to unnervingly strong opponents.
Sakura... He did like her, thinking it over now. She was nice, stood by him no matter what and could on occasion actually be prompted to act like a responsible, but fun, kunoichi. You could always tell when too, because she'd start saying 'cha' a lot. But honestly, she just wasn't strong enough. The people and monsters that were going to be coming after him were powerful beyond his current ability to measure, Sakura was a slightly less than mediocre genin kunoichi. They'd slaughter her without a thought, just to hurt him. No, he couldn't do that to her, she deserved to live her life without the guarantee of death hanging over her like it was hanging over him.
She'd understand. He told himself, writing out a quick note. She was the smartest girl in their class after all.
Moments after he left the pink-haired kunoichi awoke, feeling dizzy and uncoordinated. After finally manging to sit upright she noticed the note left beside her bed. It was Sasuke's handwriting. After reading it three times, she finally understood. Sasuke was worried about her, because he didn't think she would be able to protect herself when he wasn't around. She knew something like this was going to happen, if only she'd had more time to train before the exams. She must have looked so pathetic, getting taken down in a single attack like that. No wonder Sasuke was worried that the people out to destroy the Uchiha would hurt her.
Well, if that was the case, she'd just have to get stronger, strong enough to prove she could stand up to them and help Sasuke in his time of need. Stronger than she had been when that stupid seal had activated. Cha! She could do this!
#Roots Headquarters#
Anko whistled as she took in what little was left to be seen. There had been a massive and muffled burst of chakra from this room just a few minutes ago and it hadn't been very difficult for her to sneak in. Hell, she hadn't so much as seen a guard since she arrived to find the front door caved.
Since the kyuubi brat had gone missing, ultimately been declared dead when a blood filled clearing was all that could be found, the Hokage decided that more than a few operations needed to be closed. Thoroughly.
Roots had managed to resist and avoid it for a few years, much of the council had supported the man behind it after all, but couldn't outlast the Sandaime's wrath. Slowly and secretly the organization was carved away, Danzo being declared a traitor for his part in it and more than a few among the council were executed for various reasons until his support network was subtly erased. He'd been pressed in upon but refused every chance to flee, until at last only one outpost of his people were left, harried and besieged in secret. Sarutobi wanted to face him down himself after passing on his position officially at the chunin exam finals.
The ANBU guarding the only entrances and exits said only the sound team had gone by, having somehow gotten the Hokage to sign off on a bounty for the Ne ninja. The Hokage was going to be pissed to learn that they'd fried everything in Danzo's chamber. There were still some archives he wanted.
Now all that was left were a few charred remains and scattered ashes with a stink of burning flesh.
Though looking at it, that one lump looked odd. Some sort of metal, obviously, maybe it was a filing cabinet or...
"Argh!" Naruto burst from beneath his skillet and knife, tossing the two still hot instruments away to pounce on whoever it was that woke him up. His clawed hand closed around her throat none to gently.
Anko struggled to breath, taken completely flat footed. The metal, which she now saw was a large pan of some sort, had given off no detectable chakra. Everything in the room had seemed either dead or inanimate, there was no way she could have missed a ninja. Panicked as she was, her trained eye still seized details from the one choking her. Sound headband. Charred skin flaking and peeling off to show pink skin underneath. Kunai she'd stabbed his shoulder with dropping out as flesh under it healed, apparently unnoticed.
Naruto looked around the chamber, seeing only chakra-less cinders remained. The karaage. The karaage had stolen everything from him. Why! How could anyone be so cruel! He felt his eyes tear up as he looked at the one he'd grabbed. Ick. More tainted meat. Orochimaru said only he did that though and this one was wearing a leaf headband. How'd he make them again? Bites right? And if you sucked the poison out of a snake bite...
Well, might as well try it. At least then he'd have something.
She was losing it. She knew she was, her vision was failing and her mouth was probably starting to froth. But neither of those explained the tears she saw in the other ninja's eyes as he looked around the room. No matter how much she stabbed him or how many snakes she bit him with he didn't react, didn't even notice as they healed right over, his grip never wavering. Oh kami, she, she wasn't going to die like this. Not like- She whited out in pain as he bit her shoulder, burning chakra coursing from the bite and warring with her curse seal.
The taint was chakra. Poisonous chakra, but chakra nonetheless. Obviously, biting her where it was centered and physically sucking wasn't going to work, so instead he shoved his own chakra into her and tried to wrap it around the poison before pulling it back into himself. This didn't work, the tainted chakra was slippery and oozed through whatever cocoon he made for it, no matter how fine his weave. He tried using more, but her body had shuddered and that little inner-source thingy had started to break like the old guy's had. Since he didn't want to get hit with incredible destructive forces again, he stopped and tried to think, absently rolling the tainted chakra around with his own.
Hmm. If there was a limited amount of room to work with... Pushing all the energy he'd put in her away from his bite forced the energies to order themselves, the tainted chakra sat on top, with her normal chakra below it, resting directly on his own. Enthused, he pumped more and more energy into her, pulling the oily tainted energy into his mouth to store it.
Success.
Oh kami it tasted like raw sewage! Ew! Ew! Ew! Dropping the kunoichi he staggered a few steps and crouched, vomiting the foul purple energy out to dissipate along with his bile and stomach acids. Ick. And this woman had clearly been stewing in it for much longer than Orochimaru's bodyguards. Bleh, no way was she edible.
Sniffling unhappily, Naruto collected his weapons, heedless of the effects an injection of his inhuman chakra, along with a decent amount of fox biju youki, had on a human.
Luckily, Anko had borne a curse seal for years, even if she never used it, so her body had been prepping to transform using an energy poisonous to herself for just as long. Though fox-demon youki wasn't quite the same as the snake-hollow reishi Orochimaru had used, not that Orochimaru would ever figure out he'd turned himself into a human-hollow hybrid, it was still poisonous to her and it was definitely easy to tell apart from her human chakra.
Unlike hollow reishi, demon youki was much more readily adaptable to human uses without undergoing various rituals that piss off uncountable shinigami. Once her seal discovered this energy had replaced what was there before it was infinitely easier to undergo the functions it was designed for but had been incapable of without its host's consent. Within minutes the transformation was complete. Unfortunately youki tended to degrade most human seal-work and soon after its work was finished the seal succumbed to exposure, bubbling and evaporating off Anko's skin. It was just as well, without his reishi contained in it any degree of control was beyond Orochimaru.
#Entrance To Root Headquarters#
Naruto sighed, seeing his students sitting around a freshly made firepit, sections of the door already carved away to provide fuel. And him without quality ingredients. Damn, time for an object lesson then.
With a minor burst of energy the storage seals in his skillet released the numerous bland shinobi he'd gathered, letting him toss them into a pile on his right before unsealing the few non-bland ninja into a pile on his left. He looked back to find his students staring at him. "What? Is there something on my face?"
"S, sensei... your clothes..." Kin mumbled, both nostril dripping blood from her chin.
Glancing down the chef noticed that only a few, crumbling fragments of his charred outfit remained in place. Completely misunderstanding the situation he lazily pulled out one of his spare clothes storage scrolls and replaced his burned outfit with a new one. He then turned to instruct his students again, only to find Dozu and Zaku pointedly looking away, with Kin passed out in a large puddle of her own blood, all of which was flowing from her nose.
Weird.
"Okay. Zaku, wake Kin up and give her a blood replenishing pill. One of these days we should have Kabuto look into that, it has to be unhealthy." After Zaku had revived their kunoichi instructions began. "Now, which of these two piles would you think a meal should be made from?" The three genin pointed to the larger pile on his right. "Ordinarily you would be correct, however..." Naruto pulled one of the bodies into a sitting position. "...you'll notice that all of these ninja look bland. Flat. Uninteresting. This is because they are totally and completely tasteless and not just in combat." The chef casually tossed the now unmasked Ne-ANBU back on top of his compatriots. "They so completely lack any degree of flavor that their very presence sucks it out of the other spices and ingredients used. Never, ever cook them. In fact, if you can help it just avoid them as a single drop of their blood accidentally landing on what you want to cook is enough to ruin the entire thing, I learned that with two mercenaries in Wave."
The students looked properly horrified at that revelation.
"Now, lets start with pan. Take out your cookware and some baking instruments..."
#Author's Notes#
I gotta tell ya, this is just a sort of mindless whimsy and dark humor on my part. I especially didn't expect positive reviews or the 200+ emails from forgetting to turn off the site's alert+. The entirety of my plans for this were: 1) You know, Naruto has a really screwed up power scale. And 2) I don't think I've ever seen him raised by Zetsu before. Or Tobi... Hmm...
Everything after that is just kind of been played by ear with an overarching aim to entertain.
Karaage – Bite-sized floured and deep-fried meat, typically chicken or fish. A kind of tempura.
Donburi – Donburi is just a bowl of steaming rice with toppings, typically a type of meat, though tempura versions might have vegetables instead.
Pan – You know in school any given anime were various characters fight over the curry and melon bread? That bread is pan, which has been stuffed with some kind of filling sort of like a jelly donut. Except instead of being jelly or a donut, it's more like a sandwich in bread type and filling. A pork bun might also be considered a type of pan.