The Only Medicine
Oh my god there must be something
Something to take the pain away
And so there's nothing you can give me
It's probably better off that way
Jenny
4/14/11
3:32 p.m.
I felt alive and free.
My days were spent in a sort of giddy and light mess. I was never alone, and as I felt better and healed faster, I was no longer restricted to just my room. With slight prodding, and great patience from Draco, I managed to convey the feelings from the month locked in the cellar of his house. How it felt wrong to be safe and not on guard. How guilty I still felt for forcing myself to feel like all of my family and friends didn't matter; that my life was unimportant.
It was night that made things difficult. Draco slept with me, but the nightmares made me feel like I was still doomed. I would wake up trembling, with a raw throat from screaming. In my dreams, I would break down every time I was tortured again, and I would scream from the pain, and then from the defeat. I would tell them everything, anything important. It made me feel destroyed. And then the dreams of being groped again would come. The sick, dirty feeling of being totally helpless would make me cry myself awake. Then Kingsley would be stroking me, touching every inch of me he could, verbally abusing me and threatening me.
However, the worst dream of all would be nothingness until I would 'wake up' to find a satisfied looking Death Eater, and a bottle of Veratisereum to my left. I would never know what they asked me, and what they found out. There were so many surprise interrogations and force-feedings that made my skin crawl when I remembered them. It changed my mood. Sometimes, I would crave solitude, to be alone, so that I could be ashamed in silence. Other times, I needed someone with me, it didn't matter who it was, just someone who I knew wouldn't hurt me.
Despite my crazy moods and dreams, I could feel nothing but happiness and excitement for Tonks as she got closer and closer to having her baby. She refused to have a midwife, she insisted that Fleur, Narcissa and I could deliver her baby just fine, so no one knew the sex yet. It made me incredibly nervous, I had learned about how babies were delivered in Health Class, but I had never done it before and rightly so. But Tonks, my 'Mum' (she would yell at me for calling her that, she said she was too young yet.), insisted that it would work out.
We were sitting together on the cliffs, watching the ocean when she grabbed her belly. She had done this before to freak me out, so I ignored her for a moment. When she didn't move her hands, I looked over at her. She looked paler than usual. "Tonks?" I asked, and she looked up at me, looking like her mind had just been blown by a logic puzzle or something, that strange mix of surprise and realization. She also looked scared shitless.
"It broke. The water broke." She said almost dreamily, and I swore under my breath before apologizing to the bump that would soon be my brother or sister. I had promised myself that my fiery temper wouldn't allow me to swear around my little sibling.
"Ok, stand up, nice and easy, come on..." I helped Tonks up and almost carried her to the house, despite her complaints and threats. I was feeling a lot better and stronger. They were letting me work out again, and the powerful feeling of being deadly and in control helped with the nightmares. It also made me strong again, if not stronger than before. "Narcissa! Fleur! Her water broke, let's move!" I shouted at the ceiling before helping Tonks waddle into the guest room which had been converted into a nursery. Feet thundered from upstairs coming down, and Fleur and Narcissa appeared first, then a group of men behind them, Lupin in the lead, looking green.
"Hey, Lupin only please, until we kick him out too." Narcissa closed the door in the other men's faces as Lupin kind of sprinted to Tonks' side as she started to huff and puff.
"You are a strong woman, Tonks. I know you can do it." Lupin said shakily, and its level of adorableness made me 'awwww' inside as I helped Fleur get off Tonks' shoes and pants. Narcissa flicked her wand at the supplies we had sitting ready and started to heat water, boil rags, and Merlin knows what else.
"Holy shit, goddammit, FUCK!" Tonks screeched, and it sent us scrambling to finish getting ready. Narcissa slowly started to pry Lupin away.
"Remus, I know you are concerned, but you've seen enough of Tonks' vagina for the moment. You can come back in when she's popped that sucker out, alright?" she said patiently. It still shocked me, her easy going slightly sarcastic nature when she wasn't acting regal or like a Death Eater's wife. It made her a great person to be around, and it even made Tonks laugh before another contraction came, making her scream more obscenities at the wall opposite her. Before Lupin could object, Narcissa pushed him out the door and then came over to me.
"Since this would be really awkward for you, more awkward then it will be with just me, I'll check to see how dilated she is…oh hot dragon dung, this baby is coming fast." She said after checking Tonks.
"Drink zes. It vill help with ze pain in ze contractions." Fleur ordered, then pawed through the supplies and swore long and hard in French. "We need zome essence of dittany, and—" Tonks shrieked something behind her about how she was going to castrate Lupin for doing this to her, and it drowned out her words for a moment. "Go, Jenny, go to ze kitchen, ze bottle should be labeled…!" She ended up shouting from over by Tonks as she mopped her forehead. I took off with out another word, dashing down the steps.
The men had a bottle of firewhisky open on the table, and they all looked slightly drunk as I dashed through the door and over to the cupboard. "What is it? What's wrong? What do you need? Is Tonks alright? What are you looking for? Can I help? What—" Lupin started, leaping to his feet and addressing my back as I pawed frantically through cabinets, but Lucius grabbed his shoulder and lightly pushed him back down, and refilled his glass of firewhisky.
"Um, nothing is really wrong at the moment," I paused and winced as Tonks shouted something foul upstairs, "well, as good as it's going to go, umm-er, wait, got it!" I seized a bottle full of green stuff and bolted back out of the room, ignoring Lupin as he shouted something after me.
"How are the men taking it?" Narcissa asked as I came back into the room and had the dittany snatched by Fleur.
"They are trying to get Lupin drunk," I informed them, holding Tonks' hair back from her face. It was currently down to ear shoulder height and brunette. Seconds later, she was bald, and then she was sporting a monobrow.
"Ah, figures. What do you see, Fleur?" She asked as Tonks puffed for a moment.
"Well…ze baby has blue hair." Fleur said after a moment, sounding slightly mortified. A huge grin broke out over Tonks' face.
"REMUS, REMUS ITS A METAMORPHAGUS! FLEUR SAYS IT HAS BLUE HAIR RIGHT NOW!" She shouted at the top of her lungs.
"REALLY?" I heard Lupin bellow back, sounding slightly drunk.
"Now ze hair ees…rainbow. Wait, now ze hair ees—sacre bleu!" She shrieked, and after a moment of Tonks screeching, cries entered the room, a baby's cries. "A boy." She informed Tonks, who sat back, exhausted. I got a cold cloth this time and quickly washed off her face.
"Congratulations, Tonks!" I told her cheerfully, glancing over at the baby and seeing that its nose was changing to one that resembled Dumbledore's as it shrieked loudly. "I'll be right back, ok? I'm going to go keep Lupin from getting anymore drunk, and to tell everyone else it's a boy." I glanced once more at my new little brother, a grin stretching over my face. Then I walked downstairs, stretching out my hand as I did so-Tonks had been squeezing it really tightly.
"Jenny," Lupin croaked, looking relieved as I came back downstairs. He staggered across the kitchen and I steadied him when he tripped over his own feet. The men had succeeded in getting him sufficiently drunk.
"You have a daughter and a son." I said softly, but I was smiling, and excitement was bubbling just under the surface. Lupin looked at me stupidly for a moment.
"A-a son?" He stammered, then a grin flew over his face, the scared shitless look I had seen on Tonks was now on him. "Really? A little boy?"
"Congratulations, Dad." I emphasized, and returned his hug, then looked at the other men. All of them looked flushed, which meant they all had a bit of firewhisky. All of us trooped upstairs, and when we came in, any coldness left in my heart vanished. Tonks was sitting up, glowing with pride, holding a bundle in her arms. We all got a chance to hold him, and I was spell bound when it was my turn. I loved children, I loved them to death, and holding my little brother in my arms made gratitude and new faith at life rush into my bones.
It was perfect.