Ninja Chef Naruto
By ______
Chapter Six: Oden With Ramen
#Root Headquarters Entrance#
"Hmm. Your Donburi tastes a little off, trying steaming the rice a bit longer next time... Oh, Otokage-datesha. We just started lunch, want some?"
Orochimaru frowned thoughtfully, knowing his subordinate's dietary habits. On the bright side, now that all of his test subjects mysteriously activated their experimental kekkei genkai they wouldn't be in any danger from it. Just lucky they hadn't eaten enough to make them explode before that happened, he supposed. Now he'd just have to have Kabuto examine them. Was it the intense, brink of death training methods Naruto had employed? Or perhaps their overwhelming fear of him pushing their survival instincts to the edge? Maybe the jounin's chakra was less controlled when he slept and exposure to its intensity night after night prompted this response? Ah, so many questions. And so many reports he had skimmed over inattentively that might have given him a clue.
"Ku ku ku, that's quite alright Naruto-kun. I'm actually here to collect Zaku and Kin for special training before the finals. We'll be returning to Otogakure immediately to train in secret. I imagine Kimimaro will take special interest in Zaku's training and Kin's training will be supervised by me, personally. Ku ku ku."
"You mean I got something other than bigger boobs?" The kunoichi piped up, out of term and therefore disrespectful of his authority.
Still, since she was clearly overcome with the thought of being an acceptable host or potential mother to one of his future hosts, he decided to let it slide, just this once. "Ku, of course. But we won't be discussing such things here. Pathetic as its security is, Konohagakure is still a ninja village and there are likely to be spies everywhere. Just not Konoha spies. We leave in an hour."
#Medical Bay#
"Hmm..." Kakashi flipped a page of Icha Icha Lesson, trying to develop some kind of actual training regime for Sasuke. He really didn't want to but it was technically his job and with Obito being instated as Hokage soon there really wasn't a choice. In the early days he had been heralded as a genius and been all too happy with such praise. It had been his thing, spout off some intelligent sounding facts, beat Obito in a spar and tease him a bit and try desperately to evade the fan girls lurking at every turn.
But as time passed they all grew up, ultimately he'd plateaued at an early age and had been bored out of his skull ever since. Any distraction would do, really, anything to pass the time. And somehow, when he focused back on being a ninja again Obito had made it to ANBU captain through ridiculous and over complicated training exercises, the fan girls had all grown up and moved on and the kyuubi kid was missing, presumed dead.
From there everything had shifted and inverted, he was the one with bad habits, he was the one losing the spars and Obito had a crowd of gossiping young women following his every movement. Somehow Kakashi woke up one day to find that he was a has-been and honestly, he was okay with it. He'd been the glamorous prodigy long enough, made up for all of his father's mistakes in the eyes of the village and could look forward to a typical ninja retirement into information broking and spy wrangling in a few years. And then Obito, his only real friend, except possibly Gai, had asked him a favor, master the Sharingan and train Sasuke to master his own. The Uchiha military police didn't have any advanced mastery and probably wasn't able to teach it either as a result.
There was no way to refuse, outside of debilitating self-inflicted injury, so he had agreed. And then preceded to blow the whole thing off in favor of Icha Icha Bebop. And Icha Icha Arms. And Icha Icha Xephon. And gee, what do you know, Obito actually was going to be Hokage, which would inevitably make Kakashi an advisor since the Sandaime's advisors had had... accidents. Accidents he and Tenzo knew nothing about and couldn't possibly have set up on the Hokage's orders, nope.
Stupid elderly hypocrites, committing treason and ruining his future retirement. If only he was able to forget all those stupid facts about each nation he'd memorized as a kid.
The problem was he hadn't actually thought out putting them in the chunin exams. Sure it gets rid of them faster, but letting Sasuke get killed in front of the entire world was not something Obito would like and since Obito was going to be his boss soon...
"Ah, there you are Sasuke. Come on, you're probably going to need advanced training to take down that girl from sound." Kakashi was on some level pleased to find Sasuke here, leaving his teammate's room. It showed a great deal of forethought to actively cultivate a fan girl into something useful. If only he'd thought of that in his own youth.
The young genin nodded dutifully. "But what about Sakura and..."
"Don't worry, I already lined up a teacher for your teammate and he'll take care of them as soon as he gets here. He's supposed to be an elite tutor."
Sasuke smiled slightly at that. "Thank you sensei. I'm worried that she might be thinking she's useless and..."
"I understand completely, angst and pink just don't mesh very well. A while back Gai had been trying to angst over Lee's training and he'd heard pink was the new black so..."
Sasuke stabbed one of his thighs to dispel the image. "Sensei, I heard about her from Lee and Kiba and other than intense strength, endurance and speed training, I don't think I can beat her."
"Nonsense, I'll help you master the Sharingan and you'll not only be able to defeat her, you'll also turn her into a loyal mewling sex kitten by spanking her in front of an arena filled with hundreds if not thousands of people from throughout the elemental nations."
"Uh, sensei, wouldn't the humiliation make her vow to see my clan wiped from the face of the earth? Like what happened to the legendary spanking-nin?"
"If you were an ordinary, Sharingan-less ninja, yes. But Jiraiya researched the topic extensively and all super strong taijutsu kunoichi with big breasts love that sort of thing. It's why they're into taijutsu, to find a worthy mate and with the Sharingan there's no way you can lose or be considered unworthy."
"...You're reading Icha Icha Tousen again aren't you?"
"Maybe..."
#Konoha Council Chambers#
Obito sat before the council, proud and smirking, almost disrespectful of their assumed powers over him. They could not stop him from being Hokage after Sarutobi's public announcement without losing face and presenting a weak front to the other nations. If they wanted to pretend they could undermine the Hokage, current or future, then perhaps he should illegalize this group from any dealings in ninja operations. The Sandaime personally admitted that he might have given them too much say, that that was the reason Naruto was dead and sensei's legacy all but lost to this village. To think that in the entire village only the Sandaime himself could remember that name...
But as it was they would bluster and praise and maneuver, each making it seem selecting him is a good idea, spreading it out to pretend the council was swayed here instead of Sarutobi forcing them into it. Idiot politicians. The only thing left was would they have him justify his mistakes or simply play out his victories?
"As the acting leader of this council, I make a call to order. Let us begin the review of potential Godaime Hokage, Obito Namikaze." The Hyuga clanhead declared, rising and moving to stand beside him.
Arrogant bastard, as the Hyuga always were.
"We'll begin with you mission history, which is by and large unremarkable for a war-time genin. The first, and largest discrepancy is a mission where your team was allegedly ambushed by a team of Iwa-nins. This team attempted to create a rock-slide, the failure of which has yet to be explained to this day, despite your teammates' suggestions that you stopped them utilizing your doujutsu. An ability that prior to the council's acquisition of this document, we were lead to believe had only been used against Itachi Uchiha. Would you care to offer an explanation?" The Hyuga attacked, waved a classified mission report in his hand.
"Why Lord Hyuga, are you volunteering to allow this council access to the total capabilities and limitations of the Byakugan?" Obito asked sweetly, his smirk growing sinister. The man blustered and sputtered before Obito cut him off again. "Then what right do you have to any information on my kekkei genkai? Or any clan's secrets?"
The tone of the ninja half of the council swung decidedly in his favor, the civilian end doing the opposite.
"This council has a right to any knowledge of its ninjas' abilities." One civilian declared, rising angrily. "Particularly the prospective Hokage's."
In contrast Hiashi backtracked, if only to cover his own secrets. "The powers of a kekkei genkai do qualify as a clan secret. I merely ask if there is any information you wish to volunteer to us, to make you a more viable candidate." The Hyuga was quick to stare down the civilian, displeased with the man's lack of tact.
"I was not aware there were any other candidates. On the other hand, the Sandaime will retire regardless, so who else is powerful enough to replace him?" Obito lounged in his chair, ignoring the gaping at his lack of respect.
"Moving on." Hiashi was clearly unhappy, but wasn't about to admit how correct the last Namikaze's words were. "Another notable act was the temporary leave of absence, following the war with Kumogakure. Your absence from duty during the peace negotiations was nearly enough to convince Kumo to resume hostilities. While you did return with the wolf summoning contract, how can you justify this dereliction?"
"I had felt it best to be absent. I did, after all, kill two of their 'legendary' ninja. If I had been present they might of felt we were attempting to strong arm them into a treaty favorable only to ourselves, regardless of the actual terms. Besides, it gave me time to find the wolves' forest."
"Very well." Hiashi appeared to quite enraged to Obito's well trained eye in Hyuga body language. This was actually getting fun. "Your actions following the death of the Kyuubi..." And just like that what little fun he was having fled from the room.
He watched carefully, ninjas were largely uncaring or slightly sympathetic, probably thinking he grew attached through the course of all his bodyguard missions over the child. The civilians though looked smug, as if they were about to exact some form of retribution.
"...Are perfect evidence of why I shouldn't be Hokage. Okay then, who on this council wants to inform the Hokage that they are once again defying his will?" There was silence and shocked looks, the Hyuga even had the nerve to look ashamed. "Come on, there has to be several other 'candidates' with both the power and reputation required to protect this village, otherwise you wouldn't be fighting this so hard. So go ahead, bring in the next candidate." He was vaguely amused by the stark, total stillness following his statement. Finally, after taking a moment to look at each person's face, the last Namikaze snorted. "You're all idiots, first for doubting sensei's seal work and second for doubting his choice of jailer. Naruto is alive somewhere and whatever sort of monster you imagine he might have become is entirely your own doing. If this village is ever faced with retribution for doing that to an innocent child then I hope all of you are forced to witness it, even as I fight it off, so you at least appreciate the boy holding it at bay despite you for all those years."
Without another word he rose and stormed from the room, smiling once he was out of sight. The gob-smacked look on Hiashi's face was a memory he'd treasure forever.
#Hyuga Compound: Enclosed Training Ground#
Hinata had scoured the Hyuga technique library for advanced and archaic Jyuuken forms. The advanced because such skills would be needed, the archaic because being too predictable was a risk. She had found several things to practice, few of which she could truly master in a mere month, even as driven as she was. A speed technique that fell out of use because any number of terrain conditions could negate it, including the shallowest of puddles. Chakra channeling through weapons to create crushing and explosive forces, clearly unfitting and barbaric compared to the subtly of the regal, civilized Hyuga clan's true forms. The one-hundred and ninety-two palms trigram, theoretically still in use, but far too difficult for any member of her clan currently alive.
Ignoring the muttering and stares of her brethren as they gossiped and mocked her in whispers shook her resolve, but she wasn't the shy little thing she had been before. Oh, she was still demure and hesitant, but now she had a goal, a drive great enough to give her the strength to continue on despite them. It was unpleasant to hear the things they said, but it didn't even stand close to the casual dismissal her father gave her, stating that she was to train herself and if she embarrassed the Hyuga then into the branch house she went.
But if she did embarrass the Hyuga in the exam tournament, then she'd also embarrass herself in front of her one true love and therefore deserved nothing less than a life of servitude to her little sister. If she succeeded and won on the other hand... Well, it was a potentially fatal event and if a certain over-chesty bimbo died along the road of Hinata's ultimate victory, who would miss her? And then her one true love would take her aside, into a narrow and dark, but suspiciously clean alleyway and thank her for freeing him from the evil, big-breasted clutches he had been trapped in until one thing led to another and finally their frantic groping and disrobing resulted in...
Wiping her nose carefully, the Hyuga princess was relieved she hadn't gotten any blood on the ancient scrolls before her. Looking them over the speed technique appeared to be the easiest and the oldest, meaning few opponents would be aware of its weaknesses in the present day.
She'd start with it after making a copy of each. The only reason she'd dared to even search was due to her father's absence and it was best she have them returned before he came home. Should he find that she had actually found and practiced something from the library he may well forbid that route from her as well.
#Danzo's Chamber#
Anko was not happy. In case and point she was physically writhing on the floor, but in her dream she wasn't very happy either.
Across from her, wrestling with each other, were two monstrous versions of herself, both in disturbingly accurate birthday suits, including that birthmark she knew nobody else alive had ever seen. One was furry with whisker-marked cheeks, two triangular fox ears on top of her head and two long, bushy fox tails covered in purple fur trailing from her rump. The other was scaly, with a white snake-faced ANBU mask, a gapping hole for a bellybutton and no legs, just a long, sinuous snake tail.
Foxy Anko wanted to be the boss, growling that it was all her energy, so she should be the mistress.
Serpentine Anko wanted to be the boss, hissing that she'd laid out all the ground work, built the entire network and was most comfortable with snake summon chakra anyway, so she should be the mistress.
Bare-ass naked human Anko was fed up with both of them. It was her damn body and both of them should get the hell out. Neither of the other two took that very well.
Finally, what felt like hours later, bitten, scratched and nude human Anko was sitting on top of both beaten, bruised and bare foxy Anko and battered, bleeding and bare serpentine Anko. After pulling one of foxy Anko's tails and kicking serpentine Anko in the ribs one last time both of them gave up and admitted that she was the boss. They promptly vanished out from underneath her in a puff of ninja smoke.
Her eyes opened, groggily. She was still in Danzo's chamber, so what the hell was that dream about. She reached up to rub her eyes, only to bolt into consciousness as she felt the cool, scaly texture of her fingertips. She tried to leap to her feet, only to find her legs felt funny. Naturally they had been replaced with a single long, scaly tail. Trying not to panic she gathered her chakra and pulsed it to erase the obvious genjutsu.
When that failed she started to thrash blindly, she wanted to have her legs back. They were nice legs dammit and she really, really liked them, preferably attached at her hips.
There was a sudden shift of energy throughout her body and without any explanation her legs had been returned to her... Only now her skirt was pinching her tails.
Human, she wanted to be human! What the hell was going on?
Truthfully Anko couldn't appreciate her situation for what it was since she never fully understood just what her cursed seal did. Using human seal work to manipulate hollow energy and eventually partially hollowfy the subject was risky, nine out of ten humans lacked enough reishi to survive the process and died over the course of it. Ninja, civilian or samurai didn't make a difference as none of them knew anything about this other form of energy and weren't going to train to increase it even if they did. Typically a non-monk, non-Omnyouji, non-priest had no training in such affairs and was forced to combat and subdue their malnourished inner hollows based purely on instinct and whatever degree of reishi they could muster. Failure meant becoming a hollow and consequentially being ejected from their bodies.
But Anko survived that. The entire energy network and biological changes needed to host hollowfied powers and even a template hollowfied form were put into place just before Orochimaru abandoned her, waiting only for her approval and summoning or an outside activation agent. When enough youki to kill her was introduced, the approval became a moot point and was overridden, writing over the template and filling through everything that had been left incomplete before. As a reflex borne of a need to survive, her body imitated the work of the seal on her natural form, making one form half-human, half-fox demon and the other four-ninths human, four-ninths snake hollow and one-ninth fox demon. To put it bluntly she was no longer human, regardless of form.
And none of that even started to cover how Orochimaru planned to control the seal-barer afterwards.
On one level, sure it employed a pain causing mechanism to enforce loyalty, but beyond that it was designed to cause love and devotion in the subject. Hollows would instinctively enslave those beneath them that they weren't going to eat so that if they ever grew in power they'd never truly be a threat. Humans instead had a deeper understanding of psychology and preferred to make those they subjugated think they liked or even loved the person cruelly enthralling them. They wouldn't try very hard to break free that way.
In turn, betraying and abandoning her for that kami-damned 'Jiro-kun' just after the sealing was sufficient to turn that artificial love to hate. When the seal had gathered new energy and run its course at long last, it had run through the second, stronger version of that loyalty protocol, still geared towards the one the energy came from and not Orochimaru specifically. All sides had their own view of it.
The hollow portion was indifferent, but was also the most minute of all three being a collection of remnants that was enforced only by Anko's affinity for, and frequent close proximity to, snakes. Notably, snakes with enough chakra to leave at least some insignificant traces of energy on her. Minor, inconsequential yet dangerous if the rest of the mind let it do what it wanted.
On the other hand Naruto defeated Anko, casually, without even really exerting any effort. Someone like that was an acceptable mate and master to a demon, desirable even, swaying its vote decidedly in favor of. And part of the whole reason demons were feared was just how strongly their emotions ruled them. Piss one off, once, and it will let itself feel all-consuming hatred towards your entire species for a few decades or centuries before its temper cools down.
The rational human part managed to strike back, he was too young, he was a foreign ninja and why the hell was she even considering this right now? Maybe in three or four years.
Just like in her dream, the human part beat down the other two easily enough. Then she started thinking again. The Sandaime. He'd know what to do.
#Otogakure, Training Area 20#
"Ku ku ku. Now, Kin-chan, you remember those little... tests you were run through before being made a genin, correct?" Seeing the girl scowl slightly, the Otokage continued. "Those tests were meant to... bless you with a kekkei genkai of your own, in your case Mokuton." Seeing the girl gape at him he smirked and continued. "Yes... Ku, ku. Mokuton, the legendary kekkei genkai of the Shodaime Hokage, carrying with it not just the elemental release in question, but also higher natural strength, faster healing, large chakra reserves and the ability to suppress any demon, god or Sharingan-user once they've been angered."
"L, like Tsunade?" Kin murmured softly, sounding almost fearful.
Orochimaru frowned. He had hoped she'd take this news somewhat better. "Yes, Tsunade does have the kekkei genkai markers, but hers is only partially awakened. To my knowledge all she achieved was greater strength, healing and chakra than normal, all of which she refined with new techniques that greatly enhance each aspect from studying herself compared to a normal kunoichi. She does not have the actual Mokuton or the ability to calm supernatural beings that I've seen, but she does have a lesser version of what you have."
"Wh, what are the kekkei genkai markers?" The young kunoichi managed, praying it was the mark on Tsunade's forehead.
"Why, enlarged breasts, of course. All too common really, like Kami-sama is some kind of pervert. Though Mokuton is much more noticeable than most other bloodlines..."
"No! If I get that big, they'll sag and I'll look like a freak and be too top-heavy to stand upright and sensei will never look at me again and..."
Orochimaru promptly slapped her. "Don't they teach kunoichi anything? Even basic chakra control applied to the chest prevents any degree of 'sagging' and eliminates the need for supportive undergarments. Why, I remember when Anko learned the skill while still at the tender size of an A cup..." Orochimaru frowned. "And she never turned it off since. Such a jealous girl."
When he returned his attention to the here and now Kin was kneeling before him, head bowed with tears streaming down her cheeks. "Sensei, Otokage-dono, please, train me well."
#Otogakure, Training Area 11#
Kimimaro flipped his hand, suddenly holding a bone rapier and batting aside the bones flying through the air, leaving most in more than a single piece. "No, more chakra to the density, less to the ejection through the skin! Again!"
"Give me a minute. (pant) This isn't as easy (pant) as you make it look. Can't we do some actual (pant) combat training?" Zaku gasped out, kneeling and breathing heavily.
"Until you can make a proper weapon and keep it in your hand there can be no combat training." Kimimaro said dangerously. "Now stand up and do it again. And be grateful Orochimaru wants you to survive this, a Kaguya who does as poorly as you seldom survived in the clan."
With a gulp Zaku rose and flexed his arms again, growing a long, ill balanced bone-blade from his wrist. As he drew it, it shot from his skin and split a post.
"Too much chakra. Again!"
Zaku groaned.
#Konoha, Training Ground 17#
Sakura laid flat on her back, panting. Ever since Sasuke had left her that note she'd been coming here each day, training in everything and every way she could think of. Yet, she never seemed to get perceivably stronger.
There was a smidgen more chakra once she reached the final dregs, a tiny bit of extra time between the routines each day and it was just a hair easier to pluck her kunai from the impaled targets. A sign that she was improving, slowly. Far too slowly.
Unfortunately without an instructor there was no way for her to find new training methods and improve faster than she was and everyone was more concerned with those who actually made it to the finals. There was no one there for her. No one to train her. No one to help. And no way to get as strong as she'd need to impress Sasuke.
...Well, maybe 'no way' was a bit of an overstatement. The mark was still there, after all, unbound and unrestrained. It had given her the strength to match the sound team, each in turn had shown themselves to be far beyond most of the leaf genin participating.
Maybe... maybe if she just fed it a little chakra...
Like a light being turned on the training ground was awash with sinister, cutesy chakra, visible to the naked eye as a stream of bright pink energy.
Her exhaustion, her limitations and her hesitations bled away in the scant second it took her to climb to her feet. A quick test of speed, reflexes and strength later, she decided she could get use to this.
Then her chakra ran out and she fell asleep, toppling over to land face-down in the grass, snoring.
#Edge Of Konohagakure#
"He seems to have some trouble sleeping under a full moon." Kabuto noted, watching the twitching Gaara sit on the roof of an inn, staring at the sky.
"Is there a reason you're here, leaf genin?" Baki growled back.
"I'm here on behalf of Orochimaru. To make sure Gaara will be ready when the time comes." Kabuto replied smoothly.
"Orochimaru?" Baki asked, feigning ignorance.
"The Otokage." Kabuto shifted uneasily. Something was wrong here.
"If that was true, wouldn't he have sent the jounin of the sound team instead?" Baki hated this part of being a ninja. Word games and fishing for information was never his strong suit.
"That was Orochimaru himself." Kabuto stated, remembering the plan as it had been when he left.
Baki raised an eyebrow. That nervous, idiotic wreck was Orochimaru? The man would never act like that idiot had, he was too dignified. Wordlessly Baki formed a wind sword and bolted towards Kabuto, swiping it in a wide arc.
The fake genin was lucky to escape the sudden attack with only a deep gash to his left arm. It was quick to heal over, but...
Kabuto barely avoided the shurikens that the sand jounin followed up with, chasing him. What was going on?
"Baki..." The pained voice of Gaara came from behind him, meaning he was surrounded.
"Gaara, that man is either a leaf spy or an assassin, likely here to prevent Kankuro from facing the Uchiha." While Baki sucked at wordplay, he knew exactly when and how to tell a lie. And with the full moon it was better to have Gaara sate his demon's bloodlust a little than spend the next week recovering from resisting it.
"Wait, there's been a misunderstanding."
"You won't hurt aniki!" An explosion of sand and wind tore into Kabuto from two directions at once, leaving behind his left arm and part of his left leg as he narrowly escaped.
"He won't survive with those injuries. I must inform the Kazekage." Baki told his red-haired charge, pleased that the boy was now sleepily rubbing one of his eyes and heading back to his room. It meant the demon had calmed enough to be suppressed again.
Hayate frowned before leaving. The Hokage would need to know and apologize for the actions of Kabuto or there might be an incident. Bad enough they believed he was an assassin sent against the Kazekage's children, but even worse that he escaped. The sickly man hoped he bled out slowly. Besides, Kakashi had already reported that the sound jounin was Zetsu's Chef and posing as another, if lesser, threat was not Orochimaru's mode of operation. Every leaf jounin knew he preferred to be faceless and anonymous when in disguise so no one had a basis to compare his behaviors against.
And in the shadow of the building Kabuto crunched another soldier pill, pouring chakra into regenerating his arm. It'd take a few days, but he'd eventually make a full recovery. For now he had to find and inform Orochimaru of this betrayal.
#Otogakure, Training Area 20#
"Ku ku ku! Yes, just like that. Now feel the wood, embrace it and gently, coaxingly work your will upon it."
"Orochimaru-sama, that sounded perverted. Anyway, since I've got basic element manipulation down, can we move back to chakra support methods? I think I might be slipping, just a little."
"Ku, yes. I suppose you are still a genin and even despite the Mokuton your chakra is still limited. We'll take a brief break and then pick up again tomorrow."
"Maybe I should see how Naruto-sensei and my team are doing."
"Ku... Actually Naruto-kun took his team to train Zaku's weapon skills abroad. I belief he mentioned jutsu blocking chakra armor. Kimimaro is running a few... errands at the moment."
"Sensei... sensei left me behind?" Sniffle.
"Actually I had to forbid him from taking you along. Something about teamwork and advance taijutsu grappling training, but mastering the Mokuton is far more important right now."
Kin immediately collapsed into tears.
"Don't concern yourself, we will meet him again just before the finals and then I'll send him as far away as possible." Orochimaru loved it when a plan came together. Apparently the kunoichi was so terrified of Naruto-kun that she shed tears of joy at the thought of avoiding him. Perfect. "Now, remember, you are what you eat, so an all vegetable diet until you completely master Mokuton." She started crying harder, good. The mere thought of meat must have so many horrifying connotations to her by now.
As her life was progressively ruined by each of Orochimaru's new sentences, Kin vowed to step up her efforts. Now, what did the young kunoichi's guide to seduction and romance say was the ultimate step in seducing an utterly clueless target?
#Land Of Snow#
"Man this place sucks." A broom-haired sound genin complained, looking out at the vast, snowy landscape before them.
"Quiet you idiot. Kimimaro would have been more than happy to continue your training in the village you know." A haystack-clad sound genin countered, also staring at the vast, snowy landscape before them.
"So how are we gonna find the snow ninjas, sensei?" Zaku asked, shivering from both dread of Kimimaro and the biting cold of the winter wastes.
"We already have." The orange haired sound jounin was not staring at the vast, snowy landscape before them. Instead he was staring up at the massive, flying ship suspended above them.
"Damn. How'd we miss that thing?" Zaku muttered, now looking up at the massive, flying ship suspended above them.
"Idiot. Clearly sensei knew exactly where it was the whole time." Dozu grumbled, also staring up at the massive, flying ship suspended above them.
"Dozu, non-katon/raiton ninjutsu only, we don't want it exploding and ruining the ninja inside with the taste of burning hydrogen. Zaku, Shikotsumyaku only, since their armor's suppose to block out everything else. Once the balloon's down we'll stall them and you practice. And then, snow-nin oden with ramen."
The genin were immediately on the attack.
#Konoha Training Ground 72#
Neji watched his cousin practice her forms, here on the opposite end of the village from the clan compound. She had rejected her teammates, in hopes of keeping what she was doing a secret. A Hyuga using anything other than the Jyuuken would be an embarrassment after all.
Some of what she did was truly remarkable, the shattering and explosive force of the Jyuuken channeled through a simple kunai was monumental in comparison to almost invisible damage the normal Jyuuken yielded. Once upon a time the clan had actually had the entire range of skills needed to round out its ninja, who knew?
She was surprisingly competent in the two side skills she had been training in, the other being a trick to slide over surfaces on a bubble of chakra without any friction what so ever, a precursor to the Kaiten in someways. Of course, once anything other than air touched any part of her above the bubble it grabbed on and tripped her, but she had quickly learned to use the Byakugan to avoid that.
Outside of the pure taijutsu style they had become hung up on, she was a true Hyuga prodigy. The only skill she flounder in was the trigrams, being incapable of even the half-trigram, thirty-two palms.
But that's where he'd come in. That bastard Hiashi clearly wanted Hinata to fall for some reason and after having been manipulated into giving him what he wanted over all these years it was time he interfered against the wants of the clanhead. If he desired Hinata out of the main house, then Neji would do whatever he could ensure she remained.
With that in mind he stepped from hiding and stalked forward to give her what was perhaps the first serious Jyuuken lesson she'd received since her mother's death.
No more mindless spars, only true instruction. Whatever it was Hiashi was aiming for, Neji would deny him.
#The Konoha Hot Springs#
"Now, this advanced training will further your chakra control beyond anything mere tree walking could refine it to. As your chakra control is only just below average, I expect we'll spend a day or two on this before you're practiced enough to move on to some jutsu and elemental chakra training." Ebisu was pleased with how attentive his student was being, hanging from his every word. If only the honored grandson paid so much attention. "This training is an extension of the tree walking exercise, you must gather chakra to your feet and..."
"Yes sensei!" The utterly uninteresting genin chirped, charging chakra to his feet and planting them on the bubbling water which promptly sucked him under to be boiled to death.
"Ah, yes. As I was saying, gather chakra to your feet and push away instead of pulling towards. And do try using just a smidgen less this time." Ebisu dictated to his newly arrived pupil.
Following these instructions the nondescript genin managed to wobbly stand with just his ankles beneath the surface right up until the corpse of the first student burst to the surface, throwing him off balance to smash his head against the side of a small bridge, knocking him out as he fell face down into the bubbling spring.
"Your balance was still a bit off, but only practice will solve that. Now, why don't you... You! Who dares to peep on unsuspecting women while I, an illustrious Konoha jounin am nearby?" Ebisu cried, leaping towards a mass of giggling white hair.
A giant toad promptly appeared, slapped the jounin aside with one flick of his tongue and twisted the genin's neck at an odd angle while sending him tumbling backwards into the bubbling water behind him with a second.
"Who's there?" A feminine voice rang clear following the splash.
"Oh crap!" The large white haired man yelled, already fleeing past the approaching bland genin. "Here kid, hold this."
The nondescript genin looked down at the pair of lacy blue panties with a custom chibi-nin-dog print on the front, then up towards the raging tide of unhappy young women, lead by a feral, towel clad Hana Inuzuka.
Needless to say, the dull-looking genin did not survive.
#Land Of Fire#
Kin was pumped.
Having been forced to suffer through Orochimaru's dietary restrictions, ridiculous focus on wood-based abilities and the hopefully idle threats of separating her from sensei, time was now up.
Yes, motivating herself each day had been difficult, but now they were making the trip back to Konohagakure and she was going to kick so much ass sensei would have to notice her!
Not that her time with the Otokage had been a complete waste, for some reason Orochimaru knew over twenty variations of the bra-replacement chakra control exercise, including vastly increased motion sensitivity, gravity resistant yet highly suggestive bounce and the dreaded unending wobble. In between his useless, perverted lectures on wood and practice using the Mokuton she had wheedled out every single one and managed to create her own alternative versions of a few. The best part was, it trained chakra control at the same time it would seduce sensei. No wonder Tsunade had such inhuman chakra control, these things were heavy and keeping them supported twenty-four seven gave her a lot of practice.
Oh, she'd also figured out about a dozen Mokuton jutsu, the exact extent of her enhanced strength, how to improve her healing speed and the suppression of gods, demons and Sharingan-users. Not bad for a month, but Naruto-sensei had taken her so much farther in the same amount of time. Bells, ha! She really had been pathetic.
Besides, if worse came to worse, she still had the young kunoichi's guide to seduction and romance's final tactic to employ. Since it was guaranteed to work except against self-deluded avengers, gay shinobi, homophobic kunoichi and any ninja fearing that you want to steal their youthful fires, and she knew sensei wasn't any of those, there was no way it could fail. MWA HA HA HA! Sensei would be hers, no matter what!
Orochimaru felt inordinarily proud of his temporary student as she suppressed evil giggles while keeping astride of him. Hopefully she wouldn't start coming on to him like Anko had when he finished teaching her all those chakra control exercises. Girls were so weird.
#Also Land Of Fire#
Yugito was terrified. She'd been sent as extra muscle to find out what happened to the other Kumo-nin spying on Konohagakure when they suddenly disappeared, only to stumble onto a group of Oto-nin. Oto-nin that took down the relief team in seconds, a feat she feared she was incapable of even in Nibi form. And so here she sat, bound and forced to watch as her team was reduced to... The struggle to keep from vomiting was overwhelming.
"Sensei, what about the kunoichi?" The broom-headed bone wielder asked, looking oddly content.
"Idiot. Can't you feel her chakra? There's something wrong with it." The psychic haystack countered, keeping a close watch on her every movement.
"Well excuse me for not having the Yogen-mimi."
"I refuse to call it that."
"Phef, like you have a choice. Orochimaru's already decided, remember?"
The haystack growled, but was interrupted by the most dangerous of the group. The dreaded Demon Butcher.
"Ramen's on." He declared jovially, serving out a tray filled with noodley goodness. Horrifying noodley goodness. "Shame about those Yuki-nin. I thought there'd be more of them."
"There there sensei, you couldn't know the idiots inspiring such terror only numbered three." The haystack counseled the disquieted jounin.
"There was four of them, wasn't there?" The broom-head mumbled, changing out an empty bowl for a new one.
"That weakling on the throne could barely even qualify as a genin. Idiot." The haystack muttered back, savoring over a single bowl for an inordinarily long time.
"Ah ha ha, sorry about your hands, but you trying to kill us would ruin the meal, you know? Say 'aw'." The monster said obliviously, crouching next her.
"Wha..." As soon as her mouth was open, Yugito found it filled with a wonderful, delicious broth. Without thinking she made a tiny, purring noise and sucked down the offering, only to realize once it was gone just what she had eaten. It was... But it had been... And why the hell did it taste so good? The Nibi purring in the back of her mind didn't help.
For a while her brain short-circuited, by the time it had rebooted she was eating from a pair of offered chopsticks, held by the smiling, demonic chef himself. What... What the hell just happened? Had she just... After all the time trying to convince herself that she wasn't the demon held within her she had...
The broom-head scowled, muttering about wasting food on the unappreciative. The haystack smacked him, called him an idiot and took another serving.
"...and then we'll leave a kunai here so you can escape once we're gone. I mean, anyone who likes ramen enough to purr while eating it can't be all bad, so letting Konoha catch you would be..." The demon butcher explained to her drifting attention, unaware of the intense inner conflict Yugito was now undergoing.
Kami, why did it have to taste good? Stupid Nekomata.
#Konoha Hospital, Room 541#
Tenten flicked her tongue out, reaching the entire ten feet across the room to coil it around the hilt of a kunai embedded in the opposite wall, carefully looping it through the ring at the end. With another flick it was wretched from the wall, flying back towards her as she struggled to keep the chakra flowing through her unnaturally elongated tongue. It landed on its side at the foot of her bed, well away from her actual body, letting her reel it back in a bit slower. Unhinging her jaw by creating a chakra based free-floating joint felt only a bit odd now, compared to the anxiety attack it had brought on when she first attempted it.
With deliberate, delicate control she laid the kunai in her mouth and slowly swallowed it, careful to engulf the blade edges with a smooth cocoon of chakra until it reached her stomach. There, with another measured, precise burst of chakra she sealed it into a storage pocket that existed only within the field of energy her coils produced at that exact spot, an effect not unlike a living storage scroll with its capacity measured by her chakra reserves. She heaved a sigh and with narrowed eyes glared at the pierced wall across from her before opening her lips and launching the same kunai faster than the eye could track.
It embedded itself in the wall just a little low and to the right of her decided target.
"Ninety-four." She growled, flicking her tongue out to grasp the weapon again.
#Konohagakure, Enchanted Evenings Love Hotel#
It was a rare occasion that Orochimaru let himself get drunk. The medication and neutralizers necessary to let such a harmless poison as alcohol affect him were complicated and wore off quickly. Yet, here, on the eve of his final victory over Konoha, he felt justified in allowing himself to get just a bit tipsy. Of course, he couldn't roam the streets in the visage of his true and perfect self, but fortunately the body he'd stolen was mostly unknown outside of Muregakure, having been one of their most powerful guardians and seldom even leaving the village proper.
Unfortunately she had been somewhat of a teetotaler and just one bottle of sake was enough to get absolutely smashed. He hadn't known this until his third.
The result was a dull, fading hang-over as the neutralizers reached their limit and his abnormal poison resistance kicked in. There was an immediate desire to pretend he hadn't woken up and was still dreaming as a combination of location, a semi-fancy love hotel from the look of his room, dampness, yep, these sheets needed changing, and dulled pain, how could this body get sore with such loose joints anyway, told him something he had/would never want to consider. And now he had to figure out who to kill.
The only other person at the bar before he'd gotten too drunk to remember had been a man in a red kabuki outfit with overflowing white hair and red tear tracks similar to what his old teammate Jiraiya had had. But Jiraiya hadn't returned to the village for at least ten years and there was no reason for that to change now.
The similarity was probably what allowed this to happen. Then again, like sensei, Jiraiya had chosen to reject his feelings and went so far as to lash out in clear denial of his true, yaoi nature by writing that overblown, grotesque and explicitly detailed yuri and hetreo garbage! Come to think of it, revenge was in order against him as well.
So, all he need to do was find a gay Jiraiya impersonator and punish them for taking advantage of him while he was drunk. And then maybe keeping him for a while. There a few... role plays he wanted to work through his lingering feelings with.
Never once did Orochimaru take into account that he was, in fact, female now. And a very attractive, if slightly creepy from his idiosyncrasies, female at that. The sort of girl someone like say, Jiraiya, might consider kinky if he didn't know her actual nature. Especially once he knew just how flexible she was. Or those things Tenten was training in. And fact that she, some complete stranger, was crying out his name interlaced with expletives and instructions at the top of her lungs for most of the night. Well, that last one was appealing for other reasons...
Orochimaru was less than pleased to see that he had only two hours to get to the stadium. Not nearly enough time to don a proper disguise, but then again why not have outsiders think his female form was the current Otokage? He'd be leaving it in a year and a quarter anyway.
#The Stadium, Ticket Booth#
"If (cough) the contestants will (cough) please gather in (cough) the middle of (cough)..."
"Come on, I got us some seats over in section 4." A large man in green merchant clothes said, leading an apparent wife and daughter in white and blue kimonos respectively.
"I don't like this. We shouldn't be sulking back, we should just get the Hokage and..."
"With all these foreign nin around? You'd be better off sitting in a training field with a henge to look like a practice dummy. Besides, Tatsumaki's only had me train her so far, so maybe it's time she saw what other ninja her age are capable of."
"Hmm, you had to have spent some of your time actually scouting I suppose. I just hope you're right Ji..." The man in green promptly clamped a hand over the woman's mouth.
"Your name most people won't remember, nobody will remember Tatsumaki's name, hell I doubt anyone remembers Naruto's actual name after all these years. But somebody will remember my name and they'll report anyone using it immediately." The green-clad man removed his hand and straightened his stride, grinning now. "So just sit back and enjoy the show Kushina, we can worry about the rest later."
#At The Kage Box#
Orochimaru felt oddly alert as he approached the Kage box. There was a faint, asthmatic hiss that for some reason sent him completely on edge. It was familiar, but...
Entering the area after proving himself as Otokage, still in his undisguised female form, he beheld the most terrifying sight he'd seen since his team was defeated single handedly all those years ago. The salamander man.
"...And after stabbing me he, all seven of him, just turned and walked away, didn't even bother to set me on fire or check for a pulse or anything. Damn brat even had the gall to look surprised when..."
Why was the salamander man here? On the bright side his wheezing was worse than Orochimaru remembered, for what little good that did. Maybe he was permanently attached to that oxygen tank next to him and wouldn't be anywhere near as much of a threat as he was before.
Crap, it looked like he was friends with Sarutobi. And why were there two Hokage here! Who the hell was the Godaime? Kabuto should have reported this.
He caught the Kazekage's eyes, but the useless man just shrugged and poured another saucer of sake.
"...It was a civil war, security had to be tight because I couldn't tell who belonged and who didn't just by where they were born anymore. No loyalty these days..."
Orochimaru shakily downed his own cup in a single gulp, glad Kimimaro was sticking close. Though between the two of them he doubted they could beat the salamander man.
The second cup was as useless a gesture as the first. Where did he put his poison resistance neutralizers?
"...But Hiruzen, you did what you could. Hell they even impressed me at the time, you couldn't help that they were all whack-jobs..."
This was going to be a long tournament.
"...Just glad I ignored that fool Danzo and challenged them head on. Calling out and beating down their strongest shinobi broke them better than I thought..."
#With A Concession Seller#
"Oh, Tobi is kind of hungry. Tobi will have an ANBU mask taiyaki. Tobi also thinks Kisame might like some hoshigaki, even though he hates persimmons. Should Tobi buy some? Hmm, Tobi's brain says no, but Tobi's deep writhing hatred for Konoha doesn't care. Please add some hoshigaki to Tobi's order. And now Tobi must return to the otherwise inconspicuous god-like shinobi here to raze your pathetic little hovel to the ground for losing the Kyuubi. Tobi hopes you have a nice day until you're brutally murdered. Kisame-sempai, Tobi got you something! Guess what, it's named after you! Isn't Tobi a good boy? Praise me, praise me, praise me!"
#Author's Notes#
Ha! I just explained why various kunoichi don't wear bras and most have better chakra control than shinobi. I mean there has to be something strange going on when Tsunade doesn't bounce everywhere or pop out of her top during intense combat. It was either attribute it to her chakra control or they were fake and ninjas don't seem to have very advanced medical capabilities. Although if anyone could do it, I suppose it would be Tsunade... Hmm, that might explain why she was allegedly flat as a genin yet is clearly over blessed as a jounin. But then, that could also be when her bloodline partially activated... Moving on.
Anko is ten years older than Jugo. Anko was given her cursed seal at an indeterminate age that appears around fourteen at the absolute oldest. Ergo, Jugo, alleged source of the cursed seal, had, by at least the tender age of four, slaughtered and eaten an entire village, already achieved nigh infamous status as a homicidal psychopath and grown so tired of killing that he isolated himself in a cave and survived long enough for Orochimaru to take note, send Kimimaro, retrieve, study and extract the enzyme from his body and then distill it into a refined form. Yeah, like I'm going to believe that. On the other hand with the research methods my version of Orochimaru has employed thus far, it is entirely reasonable to believe he thinks the enzyme is an important component, if I bother to have Jugo at all.
Anyway, even if Anko's seal was purely experimental, Jugo is simply far too young to have lived out the back story supplied for him and while he is a more important character in post-time skip Naruto, even if only for Sasuke's little screen hogging, I like Anko more. Even with the knowledge that her memory has been screwed with I'm more inclined to believe her over any of the post-time skip characters.
Three guesses who the salamander man is.
So I'm thinking someone needs to set up a poll for most popular incarnation of Tobi.
Both Obito and Dozu have kekkei genkai based off of other manga/anime characters. See if you can guess whose as their abilities are revealed.
Oh and this was delayed because I finally decided to join Billy vs. Snakeman after reading Chibi-Reaper's profile one time to many. Incidentally, Chibi-Reaper-Sempai, why did you reject me from your village? Why? Stella! Oh, and I hope you don't mind the whole stealing weapon-Jyuuken from 'Overlord'. Remember, flattery.
Of course thinking of it now, I don't even know if Chibi-Reaper has read this story, and if they (being decidedly gender neutral so as not to be rude) have, aren't offended by the subject matter herein. And then I remember the line about Mangekyo activating every time Sakura dies... Yeah, nevermind.
And dammit, fine, I admit that pan refers to just bread in Japanese, but they make no apparent distinction between pure bread and stuffed bread and I was referring to the stuffed kind okay? Because making unstuffed bread out of... Oh wait, right, Jack and the Beanstalk... Nevermind x2.
Oden – A wintertime dish consisting of daikon radish, boiled eggs, and fish-cakes in soy-flavored broth. Typically anyway.
Yogen-mimi – Psychic or predicting ear.
Taiyaki – Fish-shaped fried dough filled with sweet paste. Usually fish-shaped anyway, this one is shaped like an ANBU mask.
Hoshigaki – Dried persimmons. Yep, the main villain is named after a dog from overly simplistic children's books and one of his lead henchman is named after a healthy, and therefore unpopular, snack food. Incidentally this guy's partner is named weasel, an uninspired villain's name if I ever heard one. Backstabber too.
Mure – Swarm, typical of the insect variety.
Sempai – Senior or upperclassman.