Ninja Chef Naruto
By ______
Chapter Eleven: Ramen Surprise
#Tanzaku Back Alleys#
Tsunade swore as she swept down another narrow alleyway. Somehow this wasn't what she envisioned for her day when she'd won with an offhand bet in a friendly hand of poker. It definitely wasn't enough to be worth this. Damn, which hotel had she left Shizune at? They needed to skip town, now!
Apparently she'd finally built her debts a little too high as Iwa-nin, Kiri-nin and even Konoha-nin appeared out of nowhere, all intent on taking her in. She'd even seen a few Oto and Uzu-nin prowling around and while she didn't know they were after her as an absolute, there were some chances you just don't take.
She cursed again as another ninja appeared in front of her, pinning her in between two nuke, four Iwa and three Kiri ninja.
"We've all got debts to be paid, yeah?" An Iwa-nin rumbled cautiously.
"Sannin's gonna be a right pain to take down anyways. Don't need the debts cleared, just need her locked up tight in one place for a bit." A Kiri-nin noted, easing the tension between them as all nine focused on her. Ninja paranoia or not, betrayal was something for after a common goal was achieved. Teamwork to achieve the impossible and betrayal to reap all the benefits was always a better thing than betrayal followed by brutal failure. In this all sides knew each others' motives well enough to feel... not comfortable exactly, but not paranoid enough to rule out working together briefly.
Tsunade tensed. This was going to be tough, even without trying to keep from crippling any of her assailants. She had made it a point to never seriously injure, or kami forbid, kill anyone sent to collect her debts. So long as they were just after money there was no point, no reason to worsen her situation by aggravating the people she owed that blatantly. It was sort of an understanding, she doesn't hurt their collectors, their collectors have to take her in unharmed. Unfortunately incapacitating ninja debt-collectors was much, much more challenging than eluding a few samurai thugs.
She go for a 'light' tap to the right most Iwa-nin and than an electric shock on the-
"Sugoi! Ten high powered ninja all in one alley? I had to look for almost an hour to find three cheap thugs last night." The hunter shouted excitedly as he pounced, where once stood three Kiri-nin was nothing but a red gale. They died before they knew what was going on.
The four Iwa-nin fell almost as suddenly, stunned into inaction by first surprise and then by terrified recognition. The nuke-nin might have gotten away, had they not leapt in to try and kidnap Tsunade after she fell to her knees at the sight of so much blood.
The deceptively old woman withdrew into a phobia empowered coma as their red, warm fluid splattered onto her face. The coppery scent making her fear infinitely greater as the tiny, vestigial extrasensory of her kekkei genkai informed her that the orange-haired man covered in blood was either a demon or a god. She couldn't tell which.
Santoku's blade halted millimeters from her skin, seeming to almost caress her jugular before disappearing onto its wielder's back. The orange-haired shinobi dug through his pockets for a moment or two before pulling out a photo of some sort. He studied it, glancing occasionally at the unresponsive woman's forehead.
"Yep, that's the seal. Lucky I didn't hurt you by mistake, neh, obaa-chan?" The youth packed away his vic... ingredients as he talked, not particularly bothered by her lack of an answer. She was quite old after all, she probably needed her sleep.
Once ready to go he picked up the, in his mind, sleeping old woman and leapt off to find his boss, chakrasenses telling him the group was just on the other side of that oddly large collection of genin in the hotel district.
#Tanzaku Hotel District#
"I'm telling you, I was put under a genjutsu!" Sasuke shouted at one of his temporary teammates.
"And I'm saying I don't believe it. Weren't you bragging in the chunin exams how your eyes can see through any illusion." The dog ninja countered, his puppy yapping in agreement.
The Uchiha looked for support among those with him. Neji was smirking superiorly while Shino had an air of disapproval. Further from them Sakura looked on, disappointment and disbelief warring across her face. The new kunoichi glared hatefully on eye-contact and sneered in disgust as she looked away.
And the chunin of the group...
Thud. Ker-snap.
Died as a shinobiwith a massive knife and frying pan landed beside him, the handle of the pan slamming into the base of his skull with a loud crack.
Sakura gasped and Sasuke stared. "It's you..." Terrified of the legendary ninja before him, he activated his kekkei genkai. Which was, of course, a mistake.
"Sharingan!" The deadly foe cried, spinning around and lashing out with one hand.
Using his enhanced reflexes, the genin barely managed to move his arm to block, meaning that his opponent's deadly claw-like fingernails sank painfully into his arm instead of his neck.
"Neh? You're that scrawny one from Wave. Is your sensei here by any chance?" Naruto asked plainly, adjusting the still comatose woman partially slung over his shoulder.
At about that moment his danger sense rang, letting him know to sweep aside as a potentially fatal sphere of chakra breezed past where he was just standing. Sasuke, being vice-gripped as Naruto spun, was dragged headfirst into the rasengan. As a consequence, his arm snapped to free it from Naruto's grasp, his ribs were cracked through a combination of being struck with a rasengan and being sent flying into a brick wall and he got a clear glimpse of the woman being carried.
"Even if he is the enemy of women, I won't let you kill my fellow ninja while I'm around!" Tatsumaki cried nobly, putting her hands together to form another rasengan.
"Oh? I don't think I've heard that one yet. Hmm... You're a bit above chunin aren't you? Eh?" The last was asked as his foot bumped something while he stalked to a better position to keep from being surrounded. A quick sniff without looking made him pause. A quick glance sent him running. "Bland!"
"...What just happened." The redhead asked, her attack dissipating from between her fingers.
"It appears you just scared off an A-ranked nuke-nin and almost murdered the Uchiha." Neji noted, letting his Byakugan shut off as the enemy fled beyond his range.
"Tentative S-rank, pending review." Shino added, crouching to assess how badly Sasuke was injured.
"It was an accident! I mean, sure I hate the guy for doing that at the exams, but..." The daughter of Konoha's greatest hero panicked.
"Sa, Sakura..." A groan sounded from the rubble.
"S,Sasuke?" The mentioned pinkette asked softly, rushing to Shino's side to help her teammate and crush.
"It was him... From Wave, he ha, has Tsunade. Tell... tell Kakashi." Sasuke struggled to stay conscious, losing that battle soon after finishing his sentence.
"Hinata is our medic. I do not even know how to gauge the full extent of his injuries." Shino noted in what was a panicked manner for him.
"He has Tsunade." Sakura mumbled in disbelief. Her eyes sharpened as she realized what that meant. "He's kidnapped Tsunade! He's going to... to..."
Kiba and Shino instantly paled, looking stricken... Well, they both paled anyways which was as close to stricken as Shino ever looked.
"Inuzuka, Namikaze, track him but keep out of sight. Haruno, try to keep the Uchiha alive. Aburame and I will find our squad-leaders and inform them of the situation." Neji commanded smoothly, reactivating his eyes and preparing to leap away.
"And me?" The nondescript chuninasked before being bumped aside by the departing Hyuga, causing him to land oddly and eviscerate himself on one of his own kunai in a miraculous display of flexibility.
#Tanzaku Red Light District#
Naruto landed with a sigh at having escaped the bland before it bled on his shoe or something.
"...ld you before Jiraiya-sama, I cannot speak for Tsuna... de?" What appeared to be a mid-jounin in disguise froze upon noticing him. Damn, there sure were a lot of ninja here all of a sudden.
"Things are going to get very ugly, very soon, Shizune. She's had space and she's had time. Even in my case the time for playing these childish games is over. Konoha was leveled, do you understand? Leveled. If she refuses to be recalled this time she'll be made a missing-nin and you with... what are staring at? ...She's right behind me, isn't she?" The large, white-haired man between them said, his back remaining turned. Something was... strange about him. Or his chakra, rather. The chef paused, trying to figure it out.
Shizune nodded slowly, one hand edging under her opposite sleeve.
"Tsunade-hime! We were just talking... about..." The shinobi trailed off his jovial shout, eyes catching on blood, the woman and then the one carrying her.
Naruto almost lost his self control, licking his lips and reaching absently for a handle with his free hand. A sage! An honest to kami, fully trained sage! They were suppose to be myths.
He stopped and after painful consideration decided his mission from Orochi-datesha took priority. Unlike a genin, a sage wasn't just a snatch and run snack. And he'd probably need both hands for it too...
He leapt away as the disguised kunoichi rolled up her sleeve, firing a dozen senbon where he once stood.
"Shizune, go get the others." Jiraiya ordered, summoning a horse-sized toad and giving chase.
"H,hai." The poor young jounin skittered around, having no idea where to find any of the other Konoha-nin.
#Still Tanzaku City#
Naruto was starting to curse his overdeveloped chakra sense and, more importantly, his inability to ignore it while hungry. Ever since finding the old woman he'd found himself running into powerful ninja group after powerful ninja group.
Currently he was being chased by a sage, a large-ish summoned frog, three Iwa-nin, two Kiri-nin and an ever growing number of Konoha-nin, all of them intent on kidnapping the poor, sleeping woman he was tasked to escort to his boss.
Jump over a lightning bolt.
And now four Uzu-nin that seemed torn between tracking him and battling the Konoha-nin, which only meant the other groups started attacking each other mid-chase as well.
Duck the glowing sphere of swirling chakra, roll aside from the sweeping tongue and kick self off a wall to avoid the newly created swamp.
Oh great, now they were all making clones too!
Shield old woman with pan, hold self above ground on handle and vault onto nearby roof.
Another two Kiri-nin.
Dodge shurikens.
What the hell was with this town? How'd all these foreign ninja get into Fire country? Was that...
Sashimi!
No, snap out it! Remember the mission. Old lady to Orochi-datesha first, then lunch.
Don't look back, don't look back. Just a little longer, just a little-
Dip past the red and black cloaked shinobi, fall into an alley, fake left and dive through a window. Run through building as explosions tear it apart.
Stumble into room with three Iwa-nin. Dammit!
#Earlier#
"And that's everything to the beginner level. Are you sure they never taught any of this at the academy? Being able to enslave officials and shinobi through sex is the whole point of being able to seduce them in the first place. Every kunoichi should at least be able to take control of civilians and mercenaries." Kurenai muttered, privately railing at the academy's teaching standards.
Watching the shy Hyuga princess imitate the chakra exercises she'd just showed her, a bright red face and slightly glazed eyes told the jounin her favorite student already had a target in mind. It was odd it'd taken Hinata asking for Kurenai to realize she'd never checked her teams' abilities relating to more... intimate ninja arts. Probably because she was embarrassed at the thought of training young men in that regard, which was doubtlessly what got it mostly removed from academy criteria.
Basic sex-ed was bad enough without even mentioning the purposes behind ninja sex-ed.
A large part of the reason relationships between ninja and civilians failed was because the non-ninja partner usually ended up enthralled when the ninja got just a little carried away making love to them. And having a mind-fucked zombie around wasn't nearly as emotionally fulfilling as having an actual person.
And then of course, something completely different derailed that line of thought.
"Sensei!" Shino exclaimed, bursting into the room.
(What? He can exclaim things... Okay fine.)
"Sensei." Shino stated, bursting into the room.
Two small, dark circles of glass reflected an expanse of exposed female skin and loose, hanging bandages. The Aburame froze, a dark red spot appearing on the raised collar of his jacket.
Kurenaiuncoiled herself from the incredible demonstration of flexibility she'd been giving, hands darting up to cover her breasts and down to shield the junction of her legs. "Shino. What did I tell you and Kiba about knocking?"
The chill in his sensei's voice knocked the genin's brain back into gear. "The orange haired Oto-nin from Wave has captured Tsunade. Kiba and Karyu are pursuing him but they'll inevitably require back up."
The jounin nodded, turned around and started wrapping her bandages back over herself as quickly as possible even while dreading the nightmare she knew was to come.
And off to the side Hinata blushed, frantically repeating the chakra pulse her sensei had explained to her. If only she had more time to practice first...
#Also Earlier#
When it started Jiraiya had been bemused.
Someone trying to kidnap Tsunade? Heh, they were in for it when she snapped back to her senses. He followed to try and keep her safe in the meantime, only to be left just barely keeping up. That alone wasn't a big deal, he never was the fastest shinobi in a footrace.
Then things started to get weird. The kid almost literally ran over a pair of Iwa-nins, here in Fire country. Not only that, but rather than fight him, the great Jiraiya, sensei of their nation's worst enemy, they immediately set out after the shinobi carrying Tsunade.
There was only one conclusion the pervert could reach, Iwa already knew what happened to Konohagakure and was trying to stop Tsunadefrom being recalled to rebuild their forces. Yet they never used fatal attacks, instead trying to trip up the Oto-nin and restrain him. As if that wasn't odd enough, the kid jounin had then bounced past two Kiri-nin in a sake bar before bolting off in yet another direction, alerting them and a third Iwa-nin of his presence.
An Inuzuka genin appeared soon after that with Tatsumaki following him, though they struggled to even hold position at the far back of the chase.
At that point the large, white haired man decided it was best to kill the kidnapper before he alerted any more potential opponents and, however inadvertently, got the greatest future jounin, if not kage, of Konoha killed.
Almost like a signal the other pursuers starting throwing out more dangerous attacks at the carrier alongside him. Unfortunately those assaults were toned down in hopes of not killing Tsunade on accident and proved almost ignorable to the shinobi carrying her.
He cursed and used a general signal that told everyone to get Tsunade away first. Then something Jiraiya almost dreaded appeared.
Akatsuki.
The young jounin ducked past them without taking a second glance. The Uchiha gave an almost invisible nod as the Oto-nin slid between them and leapt down into the streets below.
It proved beyond any doubt, in the older shinobi's mind, that they were ultimately behind all this. The trying-not-to-kill-Tsunade-on-accident gloves came off. There was a toad-oil assisted explosion and everyone scattered.
#Elsewhere In Tanzaku#
"Sniff. B, but Gai-sensei, what can I do now that my rival has proven, proven... Sniff." Lee cried quietly, having finally accepted the full, enormous weight of what Sasuke had attempted at the chunin exams.
"I know Lee. I know. The truth of the matter is..." The green beast took a pose of sorrow, an impressive and dramatic backdrop of dark, bruised and sullen storm clouds eclipsing what was probably a sunset appearing behind him. "This, is my fault, Lee. The truth is I had long known my own eternal rival had an addiction to porn, but I had never, despite all warning signs, believed he would sink so low as to-"
"Hmm? Did you say something?" A fellow Konoha jounin asked, flipping a page of a little orange book entitled 'Icha Icha GPX'.
"But fear not Lee, for no matter how hip and how swayed onto the Adult Side, if the flames of your youth burn bright enough, that light can still reach him!" The green jounin continued, for once ignoring his rival ignoring him. "Call forth the flames of youth!"
"Yosh! You're right Gai-sensei! If I just train harder and-"
"Gai-sensei, Kakashi-san!" Neji shouted, sliding to a halt by the food cart the other Konoha-nin were loitering in front of. "Zetsu's Chef has captured Tsunade, Namikaze-san and Inuzuka-san are tracking them."
"Yosh, we'll need to-"
Woosh.
Woosh, of course, being the sound made by a young super ninja carrying another, much older super ninja and two extremely large pieces of metal on his back sweeping by roughly at as fast as human eyes were capable of taking notice.
"Dynamic pursuit!"
#Just Outside Of Tanzaku City#
"Orochi-datesha!" Narutocried excitedly, his boss and co-workers coming into view. He landed gently beside the red-headed kunoichi who immediately started muttering about idiots and not impressing her by single-handedly completing extremely dangerous missions.
"Ku ku ku. That's Orochimaru-sama where simple shinobi might overhear us. We have an image to maintain after all." The snake-sannin chided lightly, using chakra to collect vanilla ice-cream on a pickle like cotton candy on a stick. And then the traumatically long tongue and sucking noises came into play, making everyone of the Oto-nin present find something else to look at.
In Naruto's case this happened to, unfortunately, be one of other his allies.
"Wh,what? You think I care what a limp dicked bastard like you thinks about how I look, fucking baka." Tayuya demanded, her cheeks turning red under his gaze.
"Uh, you look... good?" Naruto replied cautiously, hoping to avoid the beating he sort-of thought was suppose to go with feminine rage. Between the girls he'd met so far that idea was looking more and more unrealistic. Maybe it was just at bath houses that sort of thing happened?
"Y,yeah, well... Stupid mother fucking baka. This is how I always fucking look. Baka bastard." The girl muttered, turning away to hide her blush as it worsened.
Narutoquietly patted himself on the back for not getting brutally assaulted by the one girl he was fair sure would actually do it if even slightly provoked.
"Heh heh, looks like Tayuya's in-" The six-armed shinobi started mockingly.
"Shut it you dickless, shit-licking cock sucker."
"Now Tayuya, a lady shouldn't-" The large shinobi reprimanded, quickly shutting up as the girl whirled to face him, her face a mask of rage.
"You too fatty!" Her flute was suddenly in her hands, threateningly close to her lips.
"Ku ku ku. It would appear you've led quite a group straight to us, Naruto-kun." Orochimaru quietly interrupted the building fight, swallowing the ice-cream covered pickle.
#Just A Few Dozen Feet Away#
Jiraiya stared, his emotions fighting between grim acceptance, explosive lust and retching disgust.
He'd almost convinced himself that Orochimaru had given some new female second in command the right to summon Manda during Konoha's destruction. Unfortunately his ability to lie to himself couldn't stand up to the shinobi kidnapping Tsunade handing her over and casually calling the dark-haired kunoichi Orochi-datesha and her correcting him with Orochimaru-sama.
That meant those rumors of his former teammate discovering a way to slip from body to body like clothes had some truth behind them. That also meant he'd slept with his former teammate and not the one he'd been wanting to for decades.
In turn, the fact that she was licking a pickle that had a glob of vanilla ice-cream balanced on the end with chakra indicated that when he'd slept with hi-
Her. Definitely not going to refer to Orochimaru as 'him' from now on.
Slept with her, she either hadn't known or wasn't under the effects of typical kunoichi contraceptive jutsu. Hence, in the sickest way possible, he was finally going to be a real father. Admittedly he'd always dreamed of raising a family with his teammate, he'd just thought it'd be with the one who was female back then. This entire situation was so... so twisted. Had he angered some kami by writing Ah My Icha Icha? Or was it Icha Icha Goddess that pissed them off?
The white haired man tried to drag his thoughts back onto the subject of rescuing Tsunadeonce more, but with this new, horrible reality crashing in on him all he could do is stare on.
Stare at the future mother, shiver, of his child as she nibbled at the side of a pickle, making lewd sucking sounds before licking up to the ice-cream with an unusually long tongue. By now the ice-cream had started to melt, leaving a small trail of sticky, milky white goo over the vegetable and onto her fingers, prompting her to lap up the mess and then lightly suck it off her fingertips. There was a brief flicker of pink as she gave a few trailing lashes before opening her mouth to slide the entire treat in, ice-cream end first, and...
Gah! What the hell was wrong him! This was Orochi-betray-Konoha-and-commit-acts-of-unspeakable-evil-maru! Even if h... she was wearing a highly attractive and flexible female body that-
No, bad Jiraiya.
But at the very least he had a problem on his hands. Regardless of the fact that, shiver, Orochimaru was the, shudder, mother, it was still his childtoo. And knowing that, how could he possibly fight h...er with the intent to kill? Saving Tsunade was paramount, of course, but, but... Dammit!
Maybe he could, could just fight the kid. Yeah fight the orange-haired, highly dangerous shinobi and leave the other Sannin and his guards to face a few genin teams and their sensei. Shit. Maybe he could just grab Tsunade and run? And then the snake-nin called him out.
He skidded to a halt facing the group, other Konoha-nin rallying behind him. "This is as far as you go, Orochimaru."
#Same Place#
"Dynamic Entry!" "Rasengan!"
Tied down by the fact that his fellow Oto-nin was directly behind him and armed only with one weapon thanks to his cargo, Naruto blocked the swirly ball of chakra with his pan, burning the girl using it if her flinch and backpedal were any indication.
The green man's kick to the ribs sent him skidding aside from there, though he managed to retain his balance through the brief pain. As soon as the momentum bled off he leapt into the air, over the crackling 'chidori', only to get nailed on the chin by a miniature of the green man who first hit him.
Between the enormous weight of his weapons and the shallow angle, he remained still in the air instead of flying upward as expected, allowing a moment of evaluation.
What the hell was going on?
Moment over the chef spun awkwardly to evade another 'rasengan' in midair, slipping narrowly past two kunai and an orange leg warmer, all while still carrying and shielding the resting old woman with one arm.
"This isn't good..." The scentless, gray-haired ninja behind him muttered.
"Indeed. But the others are tied down keeping Orochimaru's bodyguards at bay." The big green shinobi on his left said.
"Yosh. We must defeat this foe quickly. Is it time, Gai-sensei?" Little green shinobi on the right asked.
"Who is this guy anyway?" Redhead kunoichi in front threw in, creating another swirly ball of death between her palms.
After a split second wondering why the other ninja all stopped to chat over his head, Naruto got a great idea.
"Tsunade-hime!" "Tsunade-sama!" "Lady Tsunade!"
The group around him shouted as he tossed the old woman straight above him, using that single second to draw his knife and charge the fake, delicious Sharingan wielder behind him. The artificial shinobi was so startled the feint with the pan struck him poofing the scarecrow shadow clone, allowing the Oto-nin an extra quarter of a second to recover his mission objective before the Konoha-nin could.
And then the field flooded.
"Kisame." A stoic voice reprimanded as everyone regained their footing on the water's surface.
"What? It worked didn't it?" A gruff voice grumbled back as the two Akatsuki members attached to them leapt into the fray.
"We are not assigned to capture the target. That is Tobi and Kekko's job." Itachi countered coldly, eyes spinning with evil Sharingan power.
"What's the big deal? They aren't here and Jiraiya's already distracted. We do this and get it over with, right?" Fishman grinned as only a shark could, fingering the hilt of his bandaged blade in anticipation.
"I did not approve of this course of action." The Uchiha huffed, turning to face off against the unsung green beasts of Konohagakure.
"Come here gaki!" Kisame yelled gleefully, swinging his weapon merrily at Tatsumaki's hips to clip off her legs. The girl floundered under the killing intent pressing against her, having no experience with that particular element of ninja combat. Her muscles locked up in terror, she couldn't move, she couldn't move. Why couldn't she mo-
Clang.
"Sashimi." Naruto acknowledged, pan interspersed between the red headed kunoichi and Samehada's jagged edge. He struggled not to drool at the thought of the feast to come.
"Gah! What the hell are you doing here? I just want to kidnap the Kyubi brat." Kisame cried, abruptly bringing unwanted attention onto himself. Tatsumaki tore her gaze from her savior to the shark-like humanoid she'd just been rescued from. Jiraiya's eyes jerked from the freely jouncing breasts of his opponent at that damned nickname. Orochimaru herself couldn't help but glance at the one claiming to know who and where the Kyubi container was.
After a moment of confusion Tatsumaki figured out why the perfect sashimi with ramen was looking at her like that. "Me? You think I'm a jinchuriki?" She murmured in disbelief, cutely pointing at her own face with her index finger.
"Of course he means you. Where else would you hide a biju of that power, but in your most loyal, powerful ninja's offspring?" Itachi noted in the silence that followed.
"Eh, who really cares about stuff like that?" Naruto declared, shoving his opponent back and preparing for the hunt. Only to be abruptly reminded of his cargo as the sharky-one sliced at him in retaliation. Without a thought he tossed the old woman to the redhead, trying to get her out of the line of fire even as the jagged weapon tore across his body. He gurgled in surprise, stumbling back but not toppling at the damaged done. "That... hurt..."
But even grievously wounded, once two hands were free he was a more than capable shinobi and the follow up swing was blocked by Santoku, Kisame dropping back to avoid the super heated pan.
"Naruto!" Tayuya broke away from the dog based genin she'd been trouncing, her curse seal leaping into its second form as she swept in to stand between her comrade and his foe. "N,not that I give a flying fuck if you get yourself beat up or anything!" She quickly amended, flute flying to her lips.
Jiraiya froze once more, head turning at that name. It couldn't be, he would never have become something so, so...
"Ku ku ku. So we see who is the better ninja once more Jiraiya." As Orochimaru's feminine, semi-sinister giggle reached his ears he suddenly found himself paralyzed, falling over to float face up in the water. Dammit! Why did that laugh have to sound so hot? "...But I suppose I have a use for you. If they believe your disciple to be the Kyubi jinchuriki then we both need Akatsuki destroyed. You may live this time, perverted fool." With that Orochimaru stepped directly over him, proceeding to the other battleground and reminding him how that butt had looked when they were-
Bad Jiraiya!
As her curse seal failed under Samehada's chakra draining, Naruto scooped up Tayuya and parried yet another swipe. Regeneration knitted muscles and skin back together even as he was pressed to retreat.
Several snakes drove Kisame away as Orochimaru joined the battle. Naruto fell back to get Tayuya to safety before-
Smack.
A dainty fist collided with his face, sending him flying backwards at the staggering force of impact.
"Monster." An old woman wearing an extremely voluptuous body shouted, leaping after him. The next punch was blocked with the flat of Santoku, almost denting the blade from sheer force.
"Neh, obaa-san relax. I was just taking you to see Orochi-datesha." He tried not to show it, but that first punch really hurt. Feeling the bones pop back into place as they regenerated was even more painful than the actual attack. And that didn't even mention how the world was swimming and blurring.
He dodged away from the irate sennin, still carrying his irate kunoichi teammate.
"Ku ku ku. Calm yourself Tsunade-hime. The boy was simply following the orders I gave him."
Tsunade's anger stemmed briefly at that, before surging again at sight of the speaker. "Orochimaru." She snarled as much as a dignified noble of her stature was allowed.
"Hmm. How disappointing, I had hoped you would be open to making a deal. I see now you're still upset. And we can hardly make any offers here, surrounded by enemy ninja, now can we?" Orochimaru tutted sadly. "I suppose this entire mission was a waste. How unfortunate. Fall back."
"You're not going any-" Tsunade stumbled to a halt as Itachi appeared before her, her gifts as a Senju preventing her from adopting the thought of 'my top is too confining, to fight such an advanced foe I must remove it'. It did let her sense that he tried to hypnotize her though.
The Oto-nin swept out as two Akatsuki took on the Konoha-nin present for what they thought was the Kyubi container.
As they left, Naruto finally succumbed to the head injury he'd recently suffered, only to be caught by the girl he'd been carrying. "D,don't read anything into this, fucking baka. I'm only... only paying you back for your help with that dickheaded shark-faced shit stain. It, it's not like I like you or anything."
"Dammit! Where the hell is Kekko?" Kisame demanded, being quickly driven back by one full powered and one partially recovered sannin.
#Konohagakure#
"Ah. Not bad. You just barely managed to make up for the scarf." A glowing and refreshed Kekko murmured happily as she settled her recently arched back and rested her hips on her victim's. "Hmm. Maybe next time she escapes we can do this again."
With that the kunoichi rose, ignoring the sounds and mess disconjoining their hips made as she stalked to the shower. The pale, withered husk she'd been on top of rasped weakly, his chakra and fluids depleted so completely he could no longer move.
#Tanzaku#
"I would rather not know." His partner stated, sounding almost bored as he watched both Tsunade and Jiraiya attack the Arlong-wannabe.
"And why aren't you helping me!"
"It appears Tsunade has already been rescued." Shino deadpanned upon arrival.
Hinata fumed in frustration as Kurenai sighed in relief.
And then an astonishing number of debt collecting ninja charged into the clearing.
#Otogakure#
"You missed a spot Yugito-chan."
"Gah, dammit Kin, stop fondling me there!"
"Tell me what sexual means!"
#A Brief Omake/Spelling Error#
"Gai-sensei, Kakashi-san!" Negi interrupted, shocked to discover that places like this were still present in Japan and wondering where his students had gotten to.
…
Wait a second...
#Author's Notes#
Looking through my lost, vague outline to try and figure out where this is all going, most of what happened last chapter was suppose to be a surprise interlude in either this or the next chapter... Oh, incidentally I found my old outlines which prove at one point I did in fact have an overarching plot.
Also, any odd spacing, word-fusing or misuses of things that might once have been could, would, oldor blade are purely the fault of the site's spell checker which splits and fuses things at seemingly random if they end with de or ld or are simply next to an actual misspelled word.
Sugoi – Might mean really horrible/dreadful, might mean really terrific/amazing. Couldn't quite figure out which it was...
Obaa – Aunt or grandma. As with sugoi, who can tell? Used because Naruto is casual with how he refers to people.